Title: Worth it Author: Harriet Pairing: Ryan Colin Genre: Angsty Smut.. Rating: NC-17 Word Count: 2,241 Disclaimer: S'all Fiction. Misc: Wrote this at work. My boss surprised me by sitting next to me half way through. Didn't go down well.. Worth it. I hated him. At that moment I truly and utterly despised him. I knew of course that I didn’t actually hate him, that all I felt towards him was burning love and desire tainted with jealousy, that overwhelming sense of unfulfilment that couples with unrequited love. No matter how much it’s hurting me I still can’t take my eyes off him. I watch him as his hand slips further down the girls side until it rests firmly on her ass. I watch as he leans intimately towards her to whisper in her ear and they giggle together. I feel physically sick in the pit of my stomach, my cheeks are burning and my hands tremble slightly. Ryan of course knows this. He knew when he got up from the table to talk to some random slag at the bar that it’d tear me apart. He hasn’t once looked back in the last half an hour, I don’t think he could bear to he’d feel too guilty. So he continues as if I don’t exist because it’s easier for him. If he turned around to see me looking so lost and broken he’d have to face just what a bastard he was. He’ll probably still expect to fuck me tonight, granted he doesn’t go home with Miss-big-tits at the bar. I’ll let him too. I need him. Anything he’ll let me have of him I’ll settle for. I can see his every last fault I can see how he’s unremorsefully tearing me apart for his own selfish needs and yet... I wouldn’t want anyone else in the world. He turns back suddenly probably hoping that I’ve given up on him and left him to be free. Catching my gaze his eye line flickers nervously to the ground and he turns away from me again. This is getting ridiculous. I hate how weak he makes me. Desperate for attention I get up from my seat and needlessly walk past him to the toilet. I don’t need to go. I just need him to notice me to have me on his mind for one godamn second instead of on his dick. I just stand around opposite the mirrors twiddling my thumbs disgusted at the pathetic reflection I see before me. I hear the door start to open and I spring to the sink making it look like I’m doing more than loitering around urinals. My stomach bounces, either with pain or delight – I’m unsure which, when I realise who has followed me. He’s wearing that stupid look on his face again. A self satisfied smirk reserved only for when he wants to play stupid fucking games with me. I’ve learnt to read him perfectly. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re playing at Colin” he tells me his mouth twitching with excitement. He knows exactly what I’m doing he too can read me perfectly. “I’m not playing at anything, I’m just going to the bathroom” I try and say as aggressively as I can to make up the strength I know I don’t have. He raises his eyebrows knowingly “Mind if I join you?” He signals with his eyes to the empty cubicle behind me. Crap. This is where I’m supposed to draw my strength and self respect together and say a dignified no. Did I just say yes? I don’t even know, my brain’s not doing my thinking anymore. All I know is that I’m inside the cubicle already Ryan pressed tightly against me maintaining complete control over me. “What about your girlfriend at the bar?” I say through gritted teeth, more annoyed with myself than him. He shrugs indifferently and looks at me up and down. He looks amused more than anything like I’m some kind of sport he enjoys. “I told her” he says after some time “That you were going through a rough time and that I wouldn’t be long.” His hands trail down my shirt and find me achingly hard “I guess I was right. This won’t take long at all” he adds with a chuckle. I hadn’t even noticed that I was hard. I had too much to take in; the feel of him so close, the warmth in the pit of my stomach as I inhaled his scent and felt his breath on me and his arm loosely resting on my waist. He’s probably not even aware that he’s holding me but his touch is burning through my skin and for the moment, even if it’s in a dingy toilet cubicle for a precious few minutes, he’s mine. However daring to look up into his eyes I’m smacked once again with reality. They’re cold. Empty and indifferent to me despite the smirk plastered on his face. He leans harder against me and I can feel him, soft. Not an inch of arousal to reassure me. I don’t even turn him on anymore. I’m convinced he only does this to assert his power that he knows he has over me. I realise what I am. Just a warm up act for the girl at the bar who he’s going to take home and fuck and kiss.. oh God I wish he’d kiss me. I know he won’t. It’s only when his hands find their way into my boxers and start stroking me painfully slow that these familiar thoughts of love and hate that plague every day of my life are pushed aside and all I desire is a quick and satisfying release. He pulls his hands out again and I groan unwillingly at the lack of touch. He opens his mouth as if to say something. I know exactly what he wants to say. He’s done this speech a million times before “We’re just friends.. don’t read into this too much. I’m straight” Bullshit. I decide to stop him before he starts. “Don’t stop” I tell him guiding his hands back to my painful erection. He slides one hand underneath my boxers and gently cups my balls whilst using his other hand to play with the tip of my cock outside my boxers. I arch my back against the wall and sigh. I can just make out the smirk this causes on the edges of his lips. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He stops for a second and leans against me and I can feel that he’s now hard and that’s enough to make me throb involuntarily against him. I attempt to rub against him, to create some long needed friction but he has me pinned so tightly to the wall that I fail. He steps back from me and my hands desperately reach for his crotch. I need to feel him. He just shakes his head slowly at me. He doesn’t need to physically restrain me I realise that today, like many other days, he has no interest in me touching him. He pulls my boxers over my cock and down my waist painfully slow. I’m aware that I’m straining with the need to be touched. He crouches down to pull my boxers to my ankles and as he does so his mouth is so close to my cock that I can feel him breathe against it and I moan. He looks up at me pleased with himself as ever. My hands tangle themselves in his hair and tighten with need. I daren’t push his head any closer. He’s never sucked me off before, this is the first time he’s ever considered it. I could come just thinking about it. He starts to stand up again “No...” I hope I didn’t say that out loud.. He unbuttons his jeans excruciatingly slowly. I don’t think I’ve ever been this turned on without being touched. Pulling down his own boxers to the ground he stands and looks at me. My eyes trail down to the erection disappearing under his shirt. I try again to reach for his cock but he grabs both my wrists and pins them on the wall above my head. He’s gripping me so hard that it hurts, but this only turns me on more. His exposed cock rests against my thigh and I think I might die from anticipation. He leans into me and for a split second I think he’s going to kiss me. Shit, he’s going to kiss me. I close my eyes as his lips press against mine. I open my mouth slightly to gently suck his bottom lip. I feel him groan beneath me and it’s driving me insane. He opens his mouth and soon he’s kissing me hard and slow. He’s in control again, as usual, but I don’t care. He’s kissing me. I groan again when he pulls his mouth away but this time in disappointment. His lips are red and moist from the kiss and he looks almost as hard as me, almost. He leans towards me again so that our cocks are against each other and he unpins hands and brings one to rest over our cocks. Wrapping his hand firmly around mine he forces my hand to slowly stoke both of us simultaneously. I can’t deal with slow right now and he knows this. “Faster” I moan into his shoulder. Surprisingly he complies guiding my hand quickly twisting and rubbing us both together. He pins my hands against the wall again and this time thrusts against me. Feeling him hard and leaking with pre cum sliding against me like he needs me is too much to bear. I feel my balls tighten and a wave of ecstasy start to ride within me. He knows I’m close and he pulls away. I know this is because he doesn’t want me to cum all over his cock. He doesn’t want any reminder that this happened. There’s nothing more I want at this moment than for him to cum onto me. “Please cum” I moan. He doesn’t reply. I don’t think I’ve ever made him cum. He wouldn’t let himself. His hands have found my cock. Wrapping his hand fully around me he’s resorted to quick and tough movements and I moan louder than I should in a public place. He’s watching me intently, watching me writhe and lose control while he’s so calm. If it wasn’t for the memory of his cock hard against mine I’d think he wasn’t enjoying this at all. Though it’s the memory of this that finally tips me over the edge spilling all over Ryan’s hand with a throaty moan. After my sharp intakes of breathe have steadied out to deep and satisfied breathing I chance an embarrassed look at Ryan. I can see that guilty look in his eyes again as he looks down at his stained hands and straining cock. I know he feels dirty. I can see it in his face that he’s already vowed to himself that he’d never do this again but broken his own promise. I want so much to touch him, to wrap my hands around his cock and slowly bring him to release until he’s collapsed on my shoulder moaning my name. I want him inside me, I want to be able to tell him how much I love him and have him say it back. But I know I can’t. He’s guarded today, out of bounds. “Well buddy “ he laughs trying to brush off how helplessly and miserably I’m looking back up at him. How dare he call me buddy. “Do you do this with all your ‘buddies’?” I say with a nervous laugh. “Hopefully with that hot piece of ass out there” he tells me. He knows as soon as he’s said it that he shouldn’t have. Before I can check myself the smile I was trying so hard to keep plastered on my face has disappeared. I’m looking down, embarrassed to be faced with the evidence of how weak I am. I start trying to clean myself up and generally avoiding his pitiful eyeline. “Look...” he begins on a road I don’t want to follow “You’re my best friend.” I sigh. I know he’s my best friend tomorrow we’ll be able to hang out in the studio like always laughing and talking like none of this piece of shit exists. “I know.” I mumble looking at my feet, feeling my whole body well up with hurt and resentment. He shrugs me dismissively knowing there’s nothing he can say to stop me loving him. “I, er, need to get back” he nods his head in the direction of the exit. My eyes flicker to his erection just visible under the trousers he’s so hastily pulled up. I know I caused it but he sure as hell won’t be thinking of me when she finishes it. He opens the cubicle door and leaves without another word of look in my direction. I close the door and sit on the floor against the wall. I give up. I don’t want to go back out there. I can’t stand to watch them anymore. To be ignored. All I can do is picture them laughing and him proposing that they leave together. I know within five minutes they’ll be gone. Resignedly I allow the tears to roll down my face, loathing the state I must look in crying silently in a dingy cubicle. Nothing will ever change. But I decided long ago that these short moments with Ryan were worth all the pain.