Author: Indy Baggins Title: The Very Secret Diary of Ryan Pairing: Ryan/Colin, Ryan/Greg, some others. Rating: R for language Summary: Ryan has a seduction diary… This is pure crack! Author’s notes: This type of “diary” was very famous back in the LOTR fandom, originally written by Cassandra Claire but copied by many. I always thought they were hilarious, so I thought I’d give it a try… Day 1: My name is Ryan. Am v. lonely and in need of man. Must try and get one. Possibly two. Day 5: Met slightly balding guy doing improv. Realized it’s good thing I’m tall, as people will never notice any bald spots. Told him on stage I wanted to fuck him and he agreed. Tried to find him later but he went home. Big tease. Day 7: Balding guy’s name is Colin, seems shy. Will just have to put in an effort. Day 19: He called me “big goof”. Am pleased he noticed I’m big, not so pleased about “goof”. Will work on that. Day 23: Attempted to be v. serious. Took Colin to museum and talked about Renaissance for several hours. Then suggested to have a go at it in the dinosaur section. He laughed. Am afraid still not serious enough. Day 44: Invited Colin over for wine. He fell asleep after first bottle. Big wuss. Has lovely blush when asleep though. Tried to feel him up a little but he murmured something about “No… Phil!”. Probably ex-lover. Will remember name to bring up on stage later. Day 75: Tried to kiss him. Big fiasco, as he thinks I’m just being friendly, tongue and all. Day 79: Tried to get him hot by suggesting he’d tie me up and lick whipped cream from every inch of my body. He patted my shoulder and walked away. Starting to think I’m missing something. Maybe just need better plan. Day 99: …still nothing. Day 148: Decided to send him Valentine with copy of Kamasutra, handy little post-its at the interesting pages. Didn’t look me in the eye all day. Have the feeling I’m finally getting somewhere. Day 176: A woman? A woman??? Who is he kidding? Feel v. depressed. Day 323: Had to go to wedding. Asked me to be his best man. Tried to convince him best man gets at least a small pre-wedding fuck, but ignored me. Am not able to be angry at him though, as he looked v. sad all day. I would be too, wife seems v. bitchy. Day 381: Got married myself, as Colin made it seem v. easy. Was not sad, fucked best man twice. Quite like weddings. Day 474: Since both married now, proposed sinful affair to Colin. He didn’t even smile. Suspect wife bad influence on him. Day 650: Took horrible plane ride. British are so far away. Tried to fuck steward in bathroom, but too much turbulence. Am feeling excessively disappointed in life. Day 652: Met snarky guy with glasses. Might finally get some. Day 653: Snarky guy’s named Greg, said I wanted to fuck him. He seemed pleased, so fucked him twice against the wall of his dressing room later. Called me “Mr. A” but who cares. Life is good again. Day 667: Took up smoking, as well as drinking. Fucked Greg three times today, seems still v. into it. Day 703: Found out what “Take me Mr. A!” and “bend me over the desk and fuck me raw!” is all about. Am not v. disappointed, as Greg says he has no chance with Clive, since Clive already is fucking both Richard and Tony. Am struck by the thought there are no straight men in Britain. Quite like it. Day 785: Convinced Colin to come over to Britain. Might be in the water, after all. Day 787: Shared long, meaningful glances and hugs with Colin. Fucked Greg when Colin wasn’t looking. Am feeling both torn and v. horny. Day 902: Told Greg about issues with Colin. He said he’d tried to get it on with Colin in bathroom but was ignored. Had to fuck him twice just for that. Day 954: Could not take tension anymore, snuck up on Colin in dark hallway and started making out. Was v. enthusiastic. Bumped light switch by accident, turned out it was not Colin. Blame self, lack of neck should have warned me. After awkward moment excused myself to Clive. Bugger. Day 956: Told Greg about making out with Clive. Was fucked repeatedly, so totally worth it. Day 967: Had Greg strung up to bed with leather ties and was using multiple colorful dildo’s when Colin knocked on door. Let him in gingerly, but seemed oblivious. Greg agrees Colin might be hopeless case. Day 1012: Was almost ready to accept never fucking Colin when he crawled in bed with me and fondled me. Almost thought I was dreaming or Greg had shaved head, so turned on the lights to check. Said he had had bad dream. Was v. excited, pinned him down and kissed him repeatedly. Seemed flustered, but not unhappily so. Made hot sweet love all night. Am quite sure he read Kamasutra after all. Sense a happy ending. Title: The Very Secret Diary of Greg Pairing: Greg/Clive, Greg/Ryan, Ryan/Colin, some others. Rating: R for language Summary: Greg has a seduction diary… This is pure crack! Author’s notes: This type of “diary” was very famous back in the LOTR fandom, originally written by Cassandra Claire but copied by many. I always thought they were hilarious, so I thought I’d give it a try… Day 1: I am Greg Proops. Although fabulous in many ways, feel sort of stuck in current relationship. Mike is wonderful person, but too pushy. Am too young to commit. Day 5: Tried to break it up with Mike, said we should see other people, bla bla bla. He cried on my shoulder all night. Am sore now. Day 7: Mike sent me five dozen roses and a string quartet. The guy doesn’t know when to quit. Cannot cope anymore. Off to Britain! Day 19: Britain v. rainy but wonderfully gay. Met slightly balding guy behind a desk. Hear he is somewhat of a legend. Sense a challenge coming. Day 23: Slightly balding guy’s name is Clive. Tried to seduce him, but ended up in a shouting match. British are so much fun to piss off. Also, accent is somewhat of a turn-on. Day 25: Feminine guy behind the piano keeps on winking in my direction. Think his name is Richard. Am keeping him as back-up, in case seduction of Clive fails. Day 31: Walked in on Clive bending Paul over the desk and screwing him quite enthusiastically. Was fun to watch, but feel somewhat depressed now. Desk seems to be made out of v. sturdy material. Quite impressive really. Day 42: Decided to sneak up on Richard and kiss him senseless. Turns out he wasn’t winking at me, but at Clive. Figures. Day 45: Went drinking with Tony to forget my sorrows. Finally got me some too. Tony apologized in the morning, as he is already being screwed by Clive. Seriously, am I the only one the guy is not fucking around here? Day 52: Met tall, skinny guy. Seems somewhat desperate. Might finally be in luck. Day 53: Skinny guy’s named Ryan, and was quite articulate about wanting to fuck me. I might have slipped and called him “Mr. A.” but he didn’t seem awfully bothered by it. Could be love. Day 69: Still being fucked by Ryan, occasionally fighting with Clive. Life is tense but wonderful. Day 103: Ryan finally figured out my unrequited love for Clive. Explained to him I have no chance with Clive, as Clive already has been rumoured to be fucking both Richard and Tony, also Paul, and Mick the stage-hand, as well as John, the handy-man and at least four out of five of the camera guys. Ryan seemed sympathetic, even offered to fuck me on the kitchen table and pretend it’s the desk, but asked I’d shave my head in return. Am convinced it is not the healthiest of relationships. Day 175: Ryan asked me if there are any straight men in Britain. Thought about it, but drew a blank. He ran off to make a collect call to Canada, seemed v. excited. Day 186: Met Colin. Balding men seem to be quite the hotties around here. Am truly considering shaving my head now, but think it will look kind of neo-nazi. Day 187: Ryan has been forcing Colin to drink tap water all day. Is v. peculiar. Has been fucking me when Colin isn’t looking though (probably spending time in the bathroom, all that water has to go somewhere) so I have no complaints. Day 279: Was curious what the fuss was all about, so tried to get it on with Colin in the bathroom. Jumped up behind him and whispered in his ear: “you are so very hot… you know we all want you right?” But he just smiled and ignored me. Am starting to really feel for Ryan. Day 356: Ryan made out with Clive? Why??? Am feeling v. jealous. Universe conspires against me. Day 361: Went out for a late-night cigarette, found Richard passed out face-down in the hallway, wearing a pink thong and feather boa. Dropped him off at Tony’s, who didn’t seem surprised. Sometimes I really don’t want to know. Day 367: Was strung up to bed with leather ties, Ryan using some of our Christmas presents from Tony (was Friday night) when Colin knocked on door. Ryan let him in (probably hoping for a threesome, the pervert) but Colin didn’t notice. Canadians truly are quite dense. Feel somewhat of a challenge there. Day 413: Colin spent the night with Ryan because of “bad dreams”. Suspect Tony had something to do with it. Ryan is blissfully happy though, has been whistling the theme from “YMCA” all morning. Colin seems a little shell-shocked, so took it upon myself to comfort and assure him Ryan is quite the catch. He looked at me strangely. Maybe he pines for Clive too? Day 439: Am feeling increasingly desperate. Everyone coupled up but me. Think I need to step it up with Clive. Day 444: Snarky shouting match with Clive turned into “can’t you see I love you” turned into hot, sweaty man-love. Am feeling quite smug. Sense a happy ending. Title: The Very Secret Diary of Colin Pairing: Colin/Ryan, some others. Rating: PG Summary: Colin has a seduction diary… This is pure crack! Author’s notes: This type of “diary” was very famous back in the LOTR fandom, originally written by Cassandra Claire but copied by many. I always thought they were hilarious, so I thought I’d give it a try… Day 1: My name is Colin. Work with Ryan, who is a good platonic friend. He gives great brotherly kisses, and rubs my feet when I get tired. Am quite happy with life, but feels like something is missing still. Also, am afraid I’m starting to lose my hair a little. Day 176: I know! I’ll go out with Deb and marry her and have babies and we’ll grow old together and… Ryan looked v. down today. I don’t know why. Day 323: Got married. Was like a wonderful fantasy, until Ryan got v. v. drunk and tried to wash his underwear in the punchbowl. Started singing “I will always love you” and karate-kicked Deb in the face as I dragged him outside. He must be v. lonely. Day 785: Got a call from Ryan today, got me on the show in Britain. He does the impossible for me, is such a good friend. Sounded v. excited too, said something about British being the solution to all our problems. Day 787: In Britain. Ryan has been asking me if I’m thirsty and urging me to drink all day. Also asked if I know any Village People songs, or if I felt the urge to color-combine his wardrobe. Has been acting v. strange. Day 820: Passed Tony in the hallway. He opened his raincoat and flashed me. Europeans are such open, welcoming people. Also, Tony quite well-endowed. Would be proud too. Day 901: Told Ryan to stop making me drink already, as I’m spending more time in bathroom than anything. Saw Greg in there today. Gave me a hug and said something about it being hot, and everyone wanting me. I assume he was talking about the show. Greg such a cuddly person, makes me feel right at home. Day 908: Heard Ryan and Greg arguing back-stage. Something about “I’ll have to fuck you twice just for that.” Should really tell them to use better language. Day 961: Went into Richard’s dressing room, wanted to show me v. special trick with ping-pong ball and guitar. Am quite impressed. Richard also has whips, feather boas and sparkly make-up in dressing room. Offered to give me a make-over, but I declined for now. Ryan would probably laugh and say I looked gay. Day 967: Ryan and Greg were playing with kiddie-toys today. I wonder why. In other news, have less hair than Clive now. Makes me v. sad. Day 1012: Tony flashed me again, then pinned me to the wall. Europeans v. forthcoming. Scared me a little up close like that though. Couldn’t sleep, so went to Ryan’s and asked for a foot rub. Ryan was v. v. friendly, kept me warm all night. Good thing I have such a wonderful, platonic friend like him. Rubbed quite a lot though. Am feeling confused. Day 1013: Greg told me I would make Ryan a proud man, asked me if he would look like a nazi if he shaved his head and then ran to the bathrooms to cry. Wonder what’s up with him. Day 1024: Told Ryan Greg looked v. sad, urged him to go cheer him up. Ryan said I was the best boyfriend ever before running off enthusiastically. Starting to feel like I’m missing something. Day 1090: Found Clive crying behind his desk. Begged me to yell snarky insults at him, call him “Mr. A,” or let him use his buzzer to stop me from talking. Clive is v. peculiar man. Day 1102: Am questioning my sexuality. Maybe Ryan more than just platonic friend? Should sleep with him again to make sure. Day 1116: On my way to Ryan, walked in on Greg and Clive on top of Clive’s desk. Seemed v. cheerful affair. Am happy for them. Tony was in hallway again too, flashing Richard until Richard took off Stilettos and threw them at Tony’s sensitive area. Looked v. painful, but both were laughing. Wonder if it was foreplay. Day 1118: Ryan tied me to the bed tonight. Is tired of me running away. Sleeping with him has been fun, although v. little actual sleeping. Am feeling slightly overwhelmed, but happy. Apparently British are gay? Day 1156: Clive and Greg invited Ryan and me to come over and check out their bedroom tomorrow. Ryan seemed v. excited, so I said yes. Wonder what is in bedroom. Plan on fucking Ryan tonight, as he turned out to be v. good platonic friend. Good kisser. Possibly also boyfriend now. Sense a happy ending. Title: The Very Secret Diary of Clive Pairing: Clive/Greg, Greg/Ryan, Ryan/Colin, some others Rating: R for language Summary: Clive has a seduction diary… This is pure crack! Author’s notes: This type of “diary” was very famous back in the LOTR fandom, originally written by Cassandra Claire but copied by many. I always thought they were hilarious, so I thought I’d give it a try… Day 1: I’m Clive. Britain is so boring. Am tired of rain, silly accents, pansy men. Everyone always so polite. Is always “Oh Clive, if you have a minute, could we have tea and maybe sex on the desk after?” or “Oh Clive, if you have the time later could you let me suck you off in the bathroom?” Am in need of someone who’ll talk back to me, so told Dan to bring in some Americans. Day 4: American plan paid off. Met snarky, stylish witty oh so gay guy with glasses. Was stuck trying to decide if he was my type when he went into two-hour litany of why Britain is inferior to San Francisco. Will end up being either dead-annoying or true love. Possibly both. Day 5: Tony was running hallways again, trying to scare women with his look-what-I-have-here trick. Richard told him raincoats are so last season, and sexually charged brawl ensued. Locked them both up in dressing room and told them not to come out before they made up. In hindsight, bad idea. Never knew one could do that with ping-pong ball and pointy end of guitar. Day 7: Snarky, stylish witty oh so gay guy with glasses’ name is Greg. Tried to seduce him, but ended up in a sardonic bitch-fight. Americans so entertaining when pissed off. Is quite cute really. Day 12: Richard keeps on winking at Greg. Is slightly disturbing. Feel like I should do something, but don’t know what. Maybe should hit on Richard myself, will tell him I would like make-over. Day 23: Keep on trying to hit on Greg, but is always either being fucked by Ryan, or fucking Ryan. Are like horny bunnies. Day 39: Ryan is bouncing off the walls because his boyfriend is coming to Britain. Hear is quite the sex-machine. Maybe will finally have a chance with Greg? Day 45: Had dream where Greg was gagged and bound under my desk, forced to pleasure me every time buzzer was used. Fear Greg-obsession is starting to get out of control. Day 56: Thought I was making out with Greg, finally, finally, until someone bumped light switch. Am v. annoyed. Although likely Ryan tasted like Greg, so maybe was worth something. Day 79: Can’t take it anymore. Was crying behind desk. Could fuck so many men on there, but want Greg. Begged everyone who passed by to yell degrading insults at me, or call me “Mr. A,” or let me use the buzzer on them. Camera guy number four was v. kind, but is not the same. Day 103: Snarky shouting match with Greg, could no longer detain myself so in moment of utter desperation used Tony’s look-what-I-have-here trick. Greg sufficiently impressed. Spent all afternoon having hot, sarcastic sex. Am feeling worn, but quite smug. Greg v. adventurous. Was even into kinky gagged-and-tied-under-desk scenario. Am so lucky. Day 106: Colin walked in on Greg and me on top of desk. Uttered a small cry, covered his eyes and ran away. Colin v. strange man. Must be Canadian thing. Day 128: Invited Ryan and Colin to come fuck Greg and me. Hadn’t done foursome since seventies. Greg and Ryan v. enthusiastic, was great fun to watch. Colin v. sweet man, little shy but once drunk indeed sex machine. All had wonderful big cuddle on bed afterwards. Was bliss. Day 129: Dan pissed off because he wasn’t invited to orgy. Am starting to suspect won’t be made host when there is another series, but don’t quite care. Dan v. unattractive. Day 135: Spent all day in bed with Greg. Doing crosswords, reading Wall Street Journal, discussing politics. Is quite the turn-on. Even had sex twice, but was after trading recipes for Filet Mignon and argument about which Merlot has most intriguing bouquet. Never knew Americans so delightfully gay. Suspect they just hide it better. Day 144: Ryan and Colin always hand-in-hand now. Feeding each other, going to bathroom together, cuddling when think we’re not looking. Is hard to tell where one ends, other begins. Seem content though. Tony still running hallways, but is chasing Richard now. Don’t know if love or just v. peculiar hobby. Greg… Greg still fucking Ryan sometimes, but mostly me. Am v. happy to have found someone who will talk back to me. Spend every day both annoyed, and in love. Think we all do. Is a happy ending.