Title: Rose Colored Glasses Author: Clay Pairing: Ryan/Colin Rating: R Summary: Vacations should be a time for relaxation, a chance to escape the real world and just have fun, but Colin is quickly coming to find that there’s no escaping fate. Author’s notes: Forgive the first chapter. I think my Colin comes out mildly psychotic and Deb as the Queen Bitch of the Universe, but they get better. Also, I do believe that the end of this story was the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to write. But it was worth it. ^_^ Day 1 Colin picked up the phone on its fourth ring. “Hello?” he panted into the receiver. He had been out in the garden; the palms of his gloves were crusted with dirt as were the knees of his jeans. In his haste to get to the phone, he’d ended up tracking dirt into the house, dust and clumps of soil making a trail from the back door, through the length of the kitchen to where he now stood, one hand against the wall as he caught his breath. Deb was going to kill him. But all thoughts of his wife, the floor, or even the dismally overgrown patch of land out back were forgotten as soon as he heard the voice on the other end of the line. “Col?” Was it? No, it couldn’t be. “Ryan?” “Hey How are you?” “But you never call me.” It wasn’t the most intelligent answer, but Colin was too dumbfounded to care. Ryan really didn’t call him. They had exchanged numbers once upon a time years and years ago without thinking, but long, drawn out phone conversations had never been very appealing to either, and while they resided on opposite sides of the continent, that was all they could have. So Ryan never called Colin, but he’d never had to, not when they could go for so long without seeing each other and still pick up a conversation they’d left off in the middle of six months earlier. “Well, I’m calling you now.” Ryan sounded annoyingly chipper, so Colin decided not to bother asking if something was wrong. Instead he just smiled, confused but pleased, and asked, “What’s going on?” “What’s going on,” Ryan replied, still excruciatingly happy, “is that you are going on a cruise with me.” Well this was unexpected. “I am?” “Yes ” Ryan gave a sudden, heaving sigh into the phone, and when he came back it was much quieter, but no less content. “I miss you, Col. We never see each other except when we’re working. Remember back in Vancouver when we could just hang out and do absolutely nothing because we saw each other all the time?” “Yes,” Colin chuckled ruefully, “but half that time we were too tired from working long hours at shitty jobs to do much more than crash in front of the tv.” “But we did it together.” Colin had to admit that it sounded like fun. The last time they had really gotten to spend time in the other’s presence, not doing anything in particular – just being, back before wives and Whose Line and fame had to be twenty years ago. At least. “Things are just so different now.” Colin didn’t even realize he’d spoken aloud until Ryan replied, “Which is exactly why we need to get away. Just us. And Pat and Deb, of course, but let’s do it. We’ll get on a boat and sail away and leave work and lives and kids back on land for a week. What do you say?” Colin smiled into the phone. Ryan had him convinced ages ago, but he wasn’t about to let on to that just yet. “And just when did you plan on going on this cruise?” Ryan came back succinct and certain. “One month from today.” He paused then and Colin’s smile grew wider. “You know why?” Ryan asked, light and playful. “As if I could forget.” “Well?” Colin sighed and closed his eyes, letting the memory wash over him. “I guess you could call it our anniversary.” “Twenty five years from the day we met,” Ryan agreed in a rare show of sentimentality. “So what do you say? Will you go?” Colin couldn’t seem to stop grinning. From the second he’d heard Ryan’s voice everything looked just a little bit brighter, the colors richer. “Of course.” “Fantastic I’ll make the arrangements. You just show up.” “Wait...” Colin frowned, ever the logical one. “What about work? And how much will this cost?” “Work?” Ryan scoffed. “Jesus, Col, let yourself take a vacation.” In the scant pause that followed, Colin opened his mouth to retort, but Ryan beat him to it. “And before you bring up the money argument – I’m paying for it.” “But–“ “No buts It’s a present, and yes, you deserve it,” Ryan said, effectively reading Colin’s mind. “Think of it as an anniversary present. You can... I don’t know... get me a watch or something.” “Ryan...” Colin chastised, finally able to get a word in. “I can’t let you do that. I have money.” “Too late.” The smarmy grin was evident in his tone even 3,000 miles away. “I’m paying. You’re going. That’s that. Bye, Col; see you in a month.” And that was how Colin came to be standing on a dock in the Tampa Bay, suitcase in one hand and nagging wife at the other. “Well? Where is he?” Colin bit back the urge to sigh and replied as levelly as he could. “He’ll be here. He’s probably here already. There are a lot of people.” “Well, I don’t know how we could miss him in this crowd; he’s so tall. I don’t think he’s here yet. This was his idea, wasn’t it? And he has our tickets. I think it’s rather rude...” Colin turned away, doing his best to block out Deb’s running commentary. The Florida sun was bearing down on them, making the rather pleasant 80 degree weather seem like a cool day in Hell. He’d probably end up with sunburn on the top of his head. He heaved a sigh, looking back to Deb. “...and will you just look at that woman’s hat This is why I don’t like coming to the states...” Colin found himself wishing for the hundredth time since stepping foot on the airplane in Toronto that it was only he and Ryan on this trip. Oh, Deb would surely lighten up once they were on the boat; she was merely hot and cranky and nervous at the moment. They’d all end up having fun together, but Colin honestly would have preferred to spend the week with his best friend. Speaking of whom.... Colin glanced around. There was still no sign of Ryan. He reached up to wipe a beaded line of sweat from his forehead and looked out over the ocean. It really was a gorgeous day. The sky was a deep blue, only marred by a few wispy white clouds. One of those clouds hanging low over the horizon caught his eyes. If he turned it sideways it almost looked like– “Hey, a dinosaur ” Grinning wildly, Colin spun to greet his best friend in the entire world. Ryan looked great as usual as he smiled at the same cloud Colin had been watching. A short sleeved dark blue button down beautifully accented his naturally tan skin and dark blond hair. In jeans and sneakers he appeared completely at ease. Colin looked down at his own clothes, an environmental t-shirt he’d gotten free at some benefit or other and a pair of khakis, all chosen for purpose rather than style. He grimaced self consciously before once again looking up at Ryan, wondering if there was ever a time he’d looked that good. “I was thinking more of a giraffe,” Colin replied, flawless grin still in place, “though dinosaurs are better....” Ryan just grinned wider, scooping Colin into a tight sideways hug which Colin returned with relish. Seeing Ryan always left him practically overjoyed. It wasn’t anything he said or did; just his sheer presence seemed to make everything right in the world. As corny as it sounded, it actually made perfect sense. How could anything be wrong when there was someone around who he knew, just knew beyond a shadow of a doubt would understand his every word, spoken or not, and back him up till he was blue in the face even when he was dead wrong. Someone who laughed at same things he did, who he could just sit with, each doing his own thing, not even speaking because it wasn’t necessary. Just his being there would be enough to put Colin at ease. Colin realized with a start that while he had been staring at his friend like a love sick puppy, Ryan had asked him a question. He gave himself a shake and asked, “What?” “I said, are you two ready to get the Hell off this God forsaken continent?” “Oh,” Colin laughed. “Yeah.” He stepped back, swinging out the arm that wasn’t encumbered by his suitcase toward the ship. “Lead the way.” But it was actually the women who took the lead, chatting pleasantly all the while. Ryan and Colin fell back a few paces, matching each other step for step as they followed in their female counterparts’ wakes. They were silent as they walked and very comfortably so, faces forward, arms brushing ever so slightly as if a subtle but constant reminder that they weren’t alone. Colin loved walking with Ryan for just that reason. He loved to be touched, craved it like a flower craves sunlight, and Ryan was always very good at complying. From their everyday life to their on stage personalities, Ryan always found a way to touch him, to let him know there was someone there who cared for him. Deb didn’t like to touch. She had at first, back in the days when she was pursuing Colin and they were very much in love, but after the wedding things changed. Luke was born. They could no longer hold hands as they walked down the street because one or the other would be holding the baby. If Colin tried to walk closer, Deb would complain that he was crowding her. In fact, he got that a lot. Lounging on the sofa or snuggling in bed she’d often push him away and always with a soft, but stern “You’re crowding me.” With Ryan he didn’t have to beg to be touched. Perhaps that was one of the reasons he so adored the company of the tall goof. Ryan had picked up on the need early on in their friendship, back when they’d lived in Vancouver, and catered to it accordingly. It was just the touch of his knee while watching tv or the infamous brushing of the arm while they walked, but it was always there; there was always something letting him know he wasn’t alone. Now it was more likely reflex than a conscious decision, but Colin appreciated it all the same. Once inside their cabin Deb couldn’t seem to stop talking, and Colin didn’t mind. As long as she talked he didn’t have to. He was more than content to reside in his own thoughts, paying the barest of attention to her words so he could give the appropriate responses. Her chatter was something he had gotten used to over the years so that by now he could block it out or use it like white noise to help himself think. At this point, if faced with the prospect of absolute silence, he wasn’t sure he’d know what to do with it. “...and we’re going to go wave to the people on shore. Are you coming?” He could recognize it in her voice when she was wrapping up and took special care to put his full attention on the last two sentences. “No,” he shook his head, smiling complacently. “I think I’m going to just read for a bit.” Deb looked at him incredulously. “Please tell me that you’re at least going to go on deck to do that ” Colin shrugged. “Well, I–“ “Have you been outside? It’s gorgeous. You are not spending this whole vacation holed up in here like some moody teenager. You know, this is where Luke gets it. If you were more active...” She went on like that for another full minute, but Colin just watched her, his mind on the books in his suitcase, a couple of sci-fi novels. He considered them as he watched his wife’s lips move, forming words he didn’t register. Books had been a welcome escape his entire life, second only to improv. The two in his bag were calling to him, begging him to run away to worlds of perilous quests and epic battles. All of this went through his head without any outward indication. He had gotten so used to Deb’s rants that he had perfected this sort of poker face. She wasn’t really mad. She just liked to talk, and now she wanted to talk about her disappointment in Luke in a way that left her free of blame. Colin didn’t mind. It was a self esteem issue, he was sure, so he would let her talk and she would be happy, and in turn she would leave him alone and he’d be happy. When finally she finished, Colin put on the appropriate face and said, “Of course I’ll go outside.” Luckily this seemed to satisfy her. Just then there was a knock on the door and Deb turned from nagging wife to gracious host in less than a heartbeat. The transformation would have shocked Colin had he not seen it thousands of times before. As it was, he simply sat back and watched with a carefully neutral expression as Deb greeted Pat and Ryan with hugs and air kisses. Her earlier annoyance at Ryan had fled the second she’d spotted him, outwardly at least. If Colin hadn’t heard her complaining earlier, it would seem that she thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread. Their wives were in full on girl mode now, exclaiming excitedly over every little thing, accented by thousands of tiny touches. Their hands flew about like small, white birds, excited beyond all belief, flitting about in an effort to break free of their cage. Ryan met Colin’s eyes over their heads, rolling his eyes and shrugging in a good natured ‘what can you do?’ sort of way. The girls were still talking in the doorway, so he squeezed around them to plop down next to Colin where he sat on the edge of the bed. “So?” he asked, leaning forward, elbows on his knees, slouched and half turned to smile at Colin. It was the vaguest of questions, but Colin knew exactly what he was asking. “Well, it hasn’t even started yet,” he replied, referring to the cruise in general, “but it looks promising.” “You’ll have a blast,” Ryan assured him, “and we’ll definitely find some time for just the two of us.” At those words Ryan lifted one hand to lay it gently on Colin’s knee. Colin smiled, and it was that touch that caused it, conscious or not. Ryan was here. Of course he would have fun. “You boys going to stay here?” That was Pat, cute and petite in a little yellow sun dress. Colin smiled vaguely at her. She was so small and perfect. Ryan used to pick her up and swing her around in their younger days. Colin had always hated her. But he pushed that thought aside with relative ease. He’d gotten so used to doing it, to plastering a genuine smile on his face instead of crossing the room and strangling the life out her thin, perfect body that it was second nature. He didn’t know why he hated her; he’d never really let himself contemplate it. All he cared was that Ryan was still sitting beside him, long fingers warm against his thigh. “Yeah,” Ryan answered. That was another habit they’d acquired over the years. If someone addressed them as a pair, Ryan would take on the duty of responding. Colin didn’t mind; Ryan knew him well enough to correctly deduce his responses, and besides, Colin liked hearing Ryan’s voice. “You two go ahead,” Ryan was continuing. His eyes crinkled at the corners as he smiled at their wives. “We’re going to stay here and catch up.” The women nodded and turned to go, but then Deb turned back, pointing at Ryan and saying with a playful sternness, “Don’t you let him stay holed up here all day. He needs to get some sun.” Apparently it was funny, her talking about him as if he were a deaf five year old. Ha ha. Colin smiled as they all had their chuckle, waiting patiently for the joke to dissipate. Soon after the women were gone and Ryan and Colin were left alone. Finally. Colin looked to Ryan as he scooched back on the bed, leaning against the headboard, long legs settled across Colin’s lap. He didn’t ask if the intrusion of personal space was okay; he didn’t have to. Through trial and error over two decades, Ryan had learned that pointing out Colin’s need to be touched was as good as not touching him at all. Asking permission led to awkwardness and embarrassment, so he’d just stopped. “So, what’s new with you?” Ryan asked, threading his fingers together and pillowing his head on his open palms. “Not much,” Colin shrugged. And then with a playful smile, “Did I tell you I was going on a cruise?” Ryan chuckled. “No, I don’t think you mentioned it.” “Oh, yeah. My friend set it up. You know the guy: tall, gawky, huge nose...” Ryan was outright laughing now. “Yeah, I think he told me about that. Said it was for this balding, backwater old man...” They both dissolved into soft, sighing laughs and then just looked at each other. There was an incredible warmth in the room, an unspoken connection. Had they been women it would have been followed by squishy hugs and tearful ‘I’ve missed you’s,’ but they were men. Men didn’t do that. Instead Ryan just shuffled a little, nudging Colin’s stomach affectionately with one calf. “What were your plans for the day?” Colin blinked and then settled back on his elbows, staring at the opposite wall thoughtfully. “What is there to do?” “Well,” Ryan said, pulling his hands from behind his head to tick off a list on his fingers. Most of it sounded incredibly boring to Colin, though he was sure Pat and Deb would be taking full advantage of the spa and Ryan would drag him down to the pool at least once over the course of the week. “And then we’ll be docking at an island in the keys for a day for a luau,” Ryan remarked as he wrapped up. “Oh, and there’s a ballroom with dancing, but...” he waved a hand dismissively. “What do you think?” Colin smiled, still watching the wall. “I think I want to read.” Ryan laughed. “No wonder Deb asked me to take care of you. We’re going to have to drag you kicking and screaming to get you to have any fun.” Colin turned to him, still smiling. He didn’t say it, but he was already having the time of his life. Just talking to Ryan, hearing that deep, rumbling voice and feeling the warmth of his skin through his jeans was enough to keep Colin content for months. “You know what?” Ryan said after another moment of just watching each other. “I bet it’s going to be really crowded up on deck for a while, and I’m tired. Do you mind if I take a nap while you read?” Colin wasn’t stupid. He knew Ryan was just making excuses so as to make his choice of activities feasible, and though he felt bad for keeping Ryan from going out and doing something, anything more active, the thought of lying on his belly reading a good book with Ryan snoring softly beside him was too good to pass up. He’d make it up to him later. “I’d like that,” Colin said honestly, gratefully. They had the kind of friendship where one could never be truly happy while the other was not, and on the other end of the scale, if one did something to make the other smile, anything they were giving up would be more than worth it. Now was no different; Ryan didn’t mind putting his plans on hold, not when he could do something for Colin. Besides, Colin would have done the same for him. He curled up on his side, his back resting lightly against Colin’s side and was soon fast asleep. Colin had intended to start in on one of his books, but after only a few pages he became far too distracted to continue. With each inhale Ryan’s back pressed light against him. Even in sleep Ryan couldn’t seem to stay still. Fascinated, Colin removed his glasses and folded them neatly, laying them on the beside table along with the novel. He lay his head on his folded arms, watching the back of Ryan’s head as it shifted with every breath. The tiny dark blond curls made intricate patterns, and soon Colin found himself drifting to sleep trying to find pictures in the back of Ryan’s head. “They’re sleeping. It’s probably fifty degrees and pouring rain back home and they’re wasting this gorgeous day sleeping ” “Well, Ryan did have to get on a plane, and you know how much that takes out of him.” “Then what’s Colin’s excuse?” “Deb, honey, they’re boys. We’ll never understand them.” Colin opened his eyes slowly, awoken by the increasingly intrusive chatter of their wives. Some time while they’d slept, Ryan had rolled to face him and now Colin stared straight into his laughing green eyes. Ryan was smiling widely, lips pulled into an almost horizontal line, corners tilted dramatically, eyes squinted in silent laughter. Colin always thought he looked beautiful when he smiled like that. He couldn’t help but grinned in return despite the rude awakening. They stayed that way for a moment and then Ryan winked, crying, “All right We’re up We’re up ” He sat up and Colin followed soon after, blearily rubbing the sleep from his eyes. “Well, it’s about time ” Deb was standing a little ways off, hands on her hips, frowning slightly. Pat was just behind her and to the left. She had her arms crossed, amusement lighting up her eyes. Colin watched her. He saw her look from him to somewhere above his head – meeting Ryan’s eyes, he assumed. She started laughing then and Colin knew it was because of something Ryan was doing just for her. He couldn’t stand to look at her one more second. “Come on, boys,” Deb said with a sudden spring in her step. She gave a twirl, her floofy, printed skirt lifting with the movement. “You’re taking us to dinner and then dancing ” Ryan pulled a face. As Deb was speaking he had crawled off the bed and crossed the room to envelope Pat in a tight backwards hug. Colin was still staunchly not looking at them. “I hate dancing,” Ryan groused. “But Colin loves it,” Deb countered, now doing a little impromptu dancing of her own. She stooped down, reaching for Colin’s hands and attempting to pull him to his feet. He gave only the weakest of resistance but was too heavy for her to pull him to his feet without his allowance. It was true that he liked dancing. There was just one problem. “I’m a terrible dancer.” “Then you’re in luck ” Deb smiled, reaching for Colin once again. This time he let her tug him forward, climbing to his feet reluctantly. “There are salsa lessons tomorrow morning ” she declared, guiding Colin into a waltz. “You two are too much,” Pat giggled, still settled securely in Ryan’s arms. “My little Frank Sinatra,” Deb cooed, spinning Colin and giving him a brief hug. Colin stumbled out of the spin gracelessly to fall back on the bed. “More like Frank Zappa.” “Not even,” Ryan laughed. “At least he could sing.” “Oh, posh.” Deb waved a hand at him, and then finally stopped her dancing to address their friends. “Well? What are you waiting for? Go get changed We’ll meet you outside the dining room in an hour.” “An hour?” Ryan exclaimed. “Honey,” Pat said, tilting her head far back to look into her husband’s eyes. “You can’t rush greatness.” “Exactly,” Deb smiled. “Now go.” She waved her hand dismissively. Colin watched them leave with a carefully controlled mask. Ryan turned at the threshold to wave, and Colin flashed him a genuine smile and waved right back, but the moment Ryan was gone, the smile went with him. Colin’s eyes followed Deb as she flitted about the room. First she had to lay out clothes for herself and then she laid out clothes for Colin, knowing he was just as content to show up in jeans and a t-shirt. She rethought her dress, took a quick shower, rethought her dress again, put on makeup, rethought her dress yet again, did her hair and then finally end up in the dress she had originally chosen. It really did take an hour. Most of the time Colin spent resuming his reading. With Deb’s running diatribe in the background, it was easy to concentrate. Fifteen minutes before they were set to go, and just as Deb was starting to freak out, Colin jumped in the shower, shaved, dressed and still had five minutes to spare. They ended up ten minutes late. “It’s these damn shoes,” Deb was complaining as she walked arm in arm with Colin through the uncomfortably cramped corridors. “They’re the only ones that do this dress justice, and you had to go and pack them all the way at the bottom of my pink suitcase....” Deb had packed all her own clothes, but Colin didn’t mention that. He spotted Ryan down the corridor, looking down and smiling, presumably speaking with his wife though Pat wasn’t visible over the heads of the people crowded between them. Just then he looked up and caught Colin’s eye. He smiled wider and waved them over. Colin was suddenly reminded of their days in England. It had been that long since he’d last seen Ryan in a proper suit. He looked good. Then, he always looked good. When they met up, Deb greeted their friends with those air kisses she was so fond of while Colin stood back and watched. Dinner was an erratic affair. They were seated at a large table with two other couples. Pat and Deb bonded instantly with the other wives, though all four men remained somewhat reserved. It frustrated the women to no end, but what they didn’t realize was that men were far less interested in talking than they were about doing. They didn’t get to know each other by asking questions; they had to challenge each other, sort out strengths and weaknesses and only when a sufficient bond was formed would any sort of real conversation commence. They tried, if only for the womens’ sakes. Conversation was short and halted and eventually completely overpowered by the force that is the female gossip. Colin made a minimal effort to be social. Sandwiched between Deb and Pat he felt very alone, an island surrounded by miles and miles of water. Ryan tossed him an encouraging smile every now and again, but it wasn’t enough. He wanted a touch, but there was no way Ryan could comply without making things awkward. Instead Colin shuffled his chair closer to Deb, brushing his thigh against hers. A moment later she scooted away. He tried again, laying his hand on the table so that the back of it just brushed the hairs of her bare forearm, but again she moved away. Finally Colin reach out to lay one hand on her back in a gesture he’d always assumed was loving but not too intimate for public display. Deb had been leaning forward, discussing some sort of perfume with the blond woman across the table, but now she sat up, shrugging his hand off as she did so. “Colin,” she barked, and then paused, remembering where they were. “Darling.” She was smiling now, voice sugary sweet. “Would you mind moving over? You’re crowding me.” “Sorry.” Colin gave her a weak smile and pushed his chair back. He could feel Ryan’s eyes on him, but refused to look up. He knew his friend would be watching him with pity, and he couldn’t stand it. Suddenly he couldn’t breathe; he had to get out of there. Now. He jumped to his feet so quickly that he actually toppled his chair. One leg collided painfully with his calf, but he didn’t let on, didn’t even flinch, just carefully bent down to right the chair. “Sorry,” he said for the second time in less than a minute. “I think I’m going to go. I’m beat.” “You can’t go...” Deb was whining adorably, but he could see the anger in her eyes. “I’m really tired.” “But the dancing...” “We can go dancing tomorrow,” Colin offered. She was still watching him, anger melting into curiosity. He lowered his voice considerably. “Please?” “Well, of course ” Deb stood then, hugging him in a way that wouldn’t crinkle her dress. “If you’re not feeling well, then of course you can go.” She smiled brightly and shooed him away. “Get some rest. We have a lot planned for tomorrow ” The gracious wife act was just for show, Colin knew. He’d hear about her anger and disappointment later, but that was okay. Just more background noise to read to. He didn’t go back to his room, however, but made his way around the deck, circling the large ship in a lazy circuit. The air was still warm from the day’s sun, but it held the promise of growing far colder before morning. Young couples traversed the ship hand in hand, arm in arm. It was a depressing sight, Colin thought as he wandered the deck alone. They were far from shore now, land just a pithy line on the horizon. Out on the ocean the stars shone brightly in an inky black sky. Colin looked up as he walked, trusting his feet to take him where they may. Staring up like that he felt as though he were falling. “Hey.” Colin jerked to a halt, his gaze swinging down to find the owner of the voice. With the sudden movement he became disoriented. If he had been falling into the sky, then wasn’t he upside down now? Confused, his body took a stumbling step backwards, but a large, warm hand reached out to steady him. “Hey, are you okay?” Concerned green eyes looked almost black in the moonlight. “Ryan.” Colin smiled. “Hi.” “Hi,” Ryan returned, smiling bewilderedly. He searched Colin’s eyes, the hand that had steadied him sliding around his shoulders in a vague hug. “Seriously, are you okay?” “Me? Yes, I’m fine.” “You’re sure?” Ryan certainly didn’t look convinced. Colin knew he Ryan could read him far too well to be placated by such an obvious lie, but he wasn’t in the mood to discuss his shortcomings at the moment. Colin smiled into Ryan’s eyes, knowing Ryan wouldn’t believe him, but saying it anyway. “I just needed some air.” Ryan continued to watch him, wanting to pry, but wondering if any good would actually come of it. Colin just met his gaze evenly. He had gone to his zen place. No matter how long Ryan stared at him, he wouldn’t crack. Rather, he found he was enjoying the moment. Ryan still had one arm slung around his shoulders; their faces were inches apart. He could taste the filet mignon and rich bordeaux on his friend’s breath and wondered, for just a moment, if he would be able to taste it on his lips. “There you two are ” Pat was striding toward them, hands on her hips, a smirk playing about her lips, and the moment was gone. Ryan stepped back, leaving one hand on Colin’s back but raising the other arm to wrap around the tiny, perfect waist of his tiny, perfect wife. “We were starting to think you two had run off together,” she laughed, snuggling into his side. Deb came up beside Colin and threaded her arm through his, tugging him away from Ryan. He let her. Her touch wasn’t the same, but it would do. “I thought you were going to bed,” she said as they all began the walk back toward their adjacent cabins. Colin shrugged. “I never made it.” Deb laughed quizzically, giving his arm a squeeze. “Colin, darling, you are a piece of work.” Colin flashed her a humorless smile and then moved his gaze to the horizon. A head of them the sky met the water in a thin white line that quickly graduated to blue and then black. Somewhere the sun was still shining, but for now Colin had only the light of the stars to guide his way. Day 2 The next morning dawned annoyingly cheerful. In Colin’s mind vacations were all about sleeping in and walking around with no pants on, not being dragged out of bed at nine am to go to dance lessens he didn’t want and really, really wasn’t going to enjoy. He went anyway. They met Ryan and Pat just outside the classroom. Ryan was dressed in shorts which accented how stick thin his legs really were, but Colin didn’t notice. He was too busy contemplating how the sea foam t-shirt Rysn wore really brought out the blue in his eyes. They were fascinating things, Ryan’s eyes; Colin had always loved them. Depending on the color he wore or even his mood at time, Ryan’s irises would shift from a deep forest green to a soft sea blue and every color in between. Colin often imagined that he could spend hours just watching them. “Colin? Hello?” Colin blinked. The other three were all staring at him amusedly. “Hello,” he replied, sharing with them a little grin of his own. They all burst out laughing. Colin smiled, vaguely wishing he knew what the joke was, but knowing it wasn’t really important. What was important was that Ryan was laughing. Making Ryan laugh was Colin’s greatest joy in life. More than anything in the world, he strived to make those eyes go squinty, crinkling adorably. He loved to hear the deep baritones of Ryan’s laugh, but he loved it even more when he got high pitched and out of breath from laughing too much. This wasn’t one of those times, but it was still wonderful. “That’s my Colin,” Deb declared, scooping him into a sideways hug. “Off in his own little world.” “From the way he was looking at Ryan,” Pat said, looping her arms through her husband’s, still chuckling, “I was starting to think that maybe they really did have plans to run off together.” That had the women laughing anew, but Colin didn’t look up to see Ryan’s reaction. For some reason he hadn’t found it very funny, and he didn’t want to know if Ryan did. The salsa, they learned, just minutes later in the poorly air conditioned dance studio, was a simple dance. “Simply disastrous,” Ryan had whispered to Colin as they stood in a large group, listening to the teacher’s introduction. At the time Colin had laughed, but it turned out that Ryan wasn’t too far off. The salsa was a dance of passion, all dips and gyrations. Even had Colin not had such a bad back, he still didn’t think he’d get it. It just didn’t feel right. He tried. He put one hand on Deb’s waist, the other on her shoulder, mimicking the moves as best he could, but no matter what it still came out jerky and stilted. It wasn’t Deb’s fault. She flowed in time to the music, swaying to and fro, her heels clicking delightfully on the polished wooden floor. Colin followed her dutifully; he could do the moves just fine; he had always had a good memory for details, but the moves were not enough. The instructor sought them out, encouraged them time and time again, fretfully watching his jerky, puppet-like steps, cringing along with Deb when he once again trod on her foot. Colin watched the other couples. They weren’t all fantastic, but not one was as poor as he. Then Colin’s eyes found Ryan. Ryan’s eyes were closed as he danced. He wasn’t the best in the studio, but he was damn good. His height usually lent him an awkward gait, but here on the dance floor there was no sign that he was anything but graceful. Maybe it was due to all those dance numbers he’d had to do on the Drew Carey Show; perhaps it was just some inert, latent talent finally shining through. Colin pictured him high up on a cliff, nothing but sheer rock face between him and the world around him, a majestic 36 point buck buffeted by the wind, drifting to the music of the trees. “Now you’re getting it...” It was the instructor’s voice that broke Colin from his trance. He finally looked away from Ryan to stare into his wife’s wide, smiling eyes. That sense of wrongness settled over him again and he stumbled, treading on her toes, earning a pained yelp. “Well, you had it,” Deb grumbled, but the next moment she was all smiles again, never one to give up without a fight. Once the horror of the dance lesson was finally through, they all retired to brunch. It went not unlike dinner the previous evening with the women all getting to know each other while the men sat in uncomfortable silence. This time, however, Ryan made a deliberate effort to seat himself next to Colin. He favored his friend with small touches throughout the meal. It was just the brush of his hand over Colin’s or the bump of their shoulders, but it was all Colin needed and he drank it in like wine. The girls were dying to get in the pool, so after brunch they returned to their rooms to change. Then Colin dropped the bomb. “I think I’m going to take a nap.” Deb had been rifling through the closet, having taken it over the previous night, and was trying to chose between the three swimsuits she’d packed, but suddenly she stilled. He could see the tension in her shoulders as she slowly turned toward him, blue and pink spandex clutched in her fist. “You’re going to take a nap?” “Yes,” he replied, shrugging and stretching out on the bed. “I’m tired.” Her heels clicked as she stalked across the room to face him, and all Colin could think was that she was better at this dance than he. “You’re telling me that we’re out here in the middle of the ocean on a beautiful sunny day and you’re going to waste it – waste Ryan’s money – sleeping?” She frowned down at him, fists settled on her hips, suit still clutched in one hand. “Yes.” She stared at him a moment longer and then heaved an enormous sigh, flinging her arms up in exasperation. “Fine I give up Waste the only vacation you’re going to get this year sleeping. See if I care.” She dressed as she lived, in a constant state of chatter. Colin couldn’t make out most of the words, though he did manage to catch “Why do I even bother?” and something that sounded suspiciously like “...better off without him....” When she finished dressing Colin was still watching her. She looked fabulous. Even at her age Deb still had the small, perky breasts of her youth, and with only one child, her waist was still trim, tapering from her shoulders to bloom out over full hips that rounded out in a very fine ass. It was a barely clothed body that should have had Colin hard at the mere sight of it. But it didn’t. Rather, he couldn’t wait to see her go. And she did, albeit reluctantly despite her outraged ramblings. She stood in the doorway, a woven bag brimming with sun tan lotion and other amenities slung over one shoulder, watching him sadly. There was a long moment of silence where they just stared at each other. It was as though Deb were trying to read his mind. She studied the calm face of her husband, his soft chocolate eyes so blank and unreadable. “I wish you would join me,” Deb said in a way that would have been a plea if not for the demanding undertone. Colin said nothing. “We haven’t done anything together in so long. We’re both working so much... sometimes I think it’s deliberate. You’re avoiding me.” Still, Colin said nothing, just watched her. “I know you don’t want me here,” Deb continued, “I think you resent me sometimes, but I love you. We should be using this time to reacquaint ourselves. To fall in love again.” “I don’t resent you,” Colin replied, softly, not willing to consider whether he meant the words. Deb smiled sadly. “If you change your mind... and I truly hope you do, I’ll be at the pool.” The next instant she was gone. The overhead lights of the hallway shone brightly for just a moment before the door swung shut with a nearly inaudible click. Colin stared at the place where she had stood for a few minutes longer before turning to look at the ceiling. He hadn’t intended to actually sleep, but now he felt quite drained. He stared at the imperfections above him, his eyelids growing heavy as he contemplated her parting words. ”I know you don’t want me here,” she had said, and it was true... to a point. This week was meant for him and Ryan, and her presence did nothing but impede that. So no, he did not want her here, but he needed her. Deb was his hold on the real world. She supported him, comforted him, made love to him and for that he was grateful. Then why did none of it matter when Ryan was near? Sometimes when Ryan went away Colin felt as though he were drowning, but then Deb was there and everything would be okay. Colin supposed that he must love her, but lately she seemed little more than a substitute, a hold over until he could be with Ryan again, a constant IV of watered down ale when what he really needed was a strong, clean shot of Jack Daniels. But the times that he was getting to see Ryan were growing fewer and farther between. The craving for a look, a touch, for anything of him was growing stronger with each passing year, but he had learned to do without. He could do it. He could survive, but not without Deb. And he needed her here now. He was used to seeing Ryan at work on Whose Line or when he did the occasional spot on the Drew Carey show; they were always surrounded by people, a buffer to make sure he never got a pure hit of Ryan Styles. If Deb wasn’t here this week, if it were just he and Ryan for seven glorious days and six uninhibited nights, he doubted that any amount of Deb would ever be enough again. But he was slowly coming to the realization that he didn’t care. Wild fantasies flashed into his mind before popping like so many bubble tossed about on a summer breeze. He could leave Deb to move to Washington, and buy a house down the street from the Stiles home. They could have coffee and croissants every morning while they perused the newspaper and the children played in the yard. Inevitably, however, Pat would come into play, waltzing in to share a loving smile with her husband as she refreshed his coffee. In Colin’s mind’s eye he could see her, the perfect wife, her hips swishing beneath a simple white apron lined with lace, crossing the kitchen to drop a chaste kiss on her husband’s upturned lips. And that was where the fantasy ended, because no matter what happened, things could never be the same again. Colin could destroy his life and those of his wife and son, but it wouldn’t be worth it. Ryan would never be his. Colin never contemplated exactly what he meant when he considered the fact that he wanted Ryan all to himself. He had an inkling suspicion that his desires went beyond the platonic, but that was a scary thought and something he could never dwell on for long. Perhaps if Ryan were the one to broach the subject... But no, that would never happen. And so Colin needed Deb, if only to keep him sane until the moment he could be with Ryan again. A soft knock on the door woke Colin some time later. He hadn’t even realized he’d fallen asleep, but the sun had drifted quite far west, casting long shadows around the room. “Come in,” Colin called, wiping sleep from his eyes. Ryan appeared in the doorway, a gentle smile playing about his full lips. “Hey,” he said in greeting, moving a few steps forward to stand in the middle of the room, “we missed you out there.” A t-shirt clung to his damp skin, accenting the wiry frame. The dark curls of his hair shone in the dim light. An errant drop of water slid from his temple and over one tanned cheek, lazily marking a trail from hairline to jaw. “I was tired,” Colin said simply, shrugging and pulling himself into a sitting position. Ryan nodded. “I think Deb is worried about you.” Colin was settling back against the cheap wooden headboard. “She’s always worried about me.” Ryan had to frown at the nonchalance of his words. He crossed the remaining distance between them to perch on the bed at Colin’s feet. Instinctively one hand came out to rest on his shin. Colin thought distantly that the covers would be damp when Ryan stood. “I think I’m worried about you, too,” Ryan said, meeting Colin’s eyes solemnly. “You’ve been... a little off ever since we got here.” His concern was met with a humorless chuckle. “I’m always a little off.” Ryan’s frown deepened, his gaze growing dark. He knew Colin had less than perfect self esteem, but this sounded like some far deeper issue. “You’re glad you came, aren’t you?” “Yes,” Colin replied instantly and with complete honesty. Ryan had to smile at that. “We should find some time to spend together, just the two of us.” Colin nodded, but his face was drawn as he replied, “It doesn’t look like we’ll have the chance.” “Yes we will,” Ryan told him. “I’ll make sure of it.” As if by fate, their conversation was soon interrupted by the arrival of Pat and Deb. They were enthusiastic, refreshed by their dip in the pool. They separated the men then, as Deb was desperate for a shower and besides, it would be time to dress for dinner soon. Now that Deb had returned, Colin decided to continue the task of reading. The heroine of his novel had just barely begun her journey, leaving behind the nearly unbearable depression that was her life and literally walking away toward the unknown. Colin found himself deeply immersed in her story. He did like his life, but he couldn’t deny the temptation to just up and leave everything at times. A good book did that for him. Just like improv it was food for the imagination, an adventure without having to leave the safety of the familiar. It took Deb three tried before she could successfully pull him away. “Colin. Colin... Colin, darling, come on. You need to get dressed now or we’ll be late.” Colin blinked at her, still lost in his mind for a moment before her words registered, and he complied with a slight smile. Dinner was a clone of the previous evening. Nestled between Pat and Deb, Colin picked at his salad. Ryan would spare him the occasional glance, but since they already knew the other couples at the table, the men were far more comfortable with each other than last night’s dinner. Ryan was right in there, regaling the others with joke and stories. Colin did his best to play along, but he had no desire to know these people. He listened to their stories, and was just left feeling like an outsider. The other husbands were what Colin considered to be ‘men’s men,’ strong and callous, the type of men who hunted for fun, who watched football and got drunk on cheap beer and leered at strippers. They reminded him of Drew in a way. While Colin adored Drew, he knew that had they not been thrown together on Whose Line, he wasn’t the type of man Colin usually associated with, and had no desire to do so outside of work. Ryan, of course, had no problem fitting in. It was part of his charm: his wide variety of likes and ability to adapt. So as Ryan made an actual effort to enjoy himself, Colin shut himself away. He even went so far as to close his eyes, taking himself away to a daydream. The images in his mind shifted and changed, refusing to stay on one scenario for very long, but that didn’t matter. He didn’t care where he was as long as he wasn’t here, separated from his best friend by the ocean that was Patricia McDonald. A hand on his brought Colin back to the present. He opened his eyes, hoping to see Ryan, expecting it, but instead it was Deb’s angry gaze he was met with. She leaned in close enough to whisper, “What are you doing? What is wrong with you?” How was he supposed to answer that? “I have to go to the bathroom.” It wasn’t an answer, but it was the best excuse he could come up with to get away from the accusing glare of his wife. When Colin was washing his hands in one of the yacht’s pristine lavatories he heard the door open. At first he paid it no mind, but the newcomer didn’t go to one of the stalls or a urinal; he didn’t even join Colin at the sinks. His footfalls stopped just behind Colin. He was close. Colin could feel the heat of the man’s body through the thin material of his dress shirt. Colin jerked his head up and met Ryan’s somber gaze in the mirror. “You’re not okay,” was all Ryan said. Colin couldn’t lie to him. “I’m not.” There was the tiniest hint of satisfaction in Ryan’s eyes before it was overwhelmed by concern. He hesitated for a moment and then placed a hand on Colin’s shoulder, leaning in to whisper, “I have a plan.” There was absolutely no reason for him to be whispering; they were alone in the bathroom; but it gave Colin a rush. It was a secret. Amusement, excitement danced deep in Ryan’s eyes and Colin could see the sentiment mirrored in his own. “Right after dessert is served,” Ryan continued, “I’ll give you a signal and we’ll make a break for it.” He waited just long enough to see Colin’s answering nod and then he was gone. Back at the table, Colin was finally getting into the conversation, going out of his way to be pleasant and accommodating. Out of the corner of his eyes Colin could see Deb’s pleased smile, but he wasn’t doing it for her. If she wanted to believe that he was finally enjoying the sadistic game that was dinner, however, all the better for him. Colin laughed and joked and drank his wine. It didn’t matter that he was counting down the seconds until he could get away. He was playing a role. He was playing the part of a man who didn’t care that his best friend was too far away to touch, a man who was confident and happy and who actually enjoyed the company of these rich American assholes. And he did it flawlessly. But it still took far too much out of him. By the time their plates were taken away and the waiter had finally copied down their dessert orders, Colin was nearly crazy with impatience. He refused to let it show, but to someone like Ryan it was impossible to hide. His friend could read it in his eyes. Ryan offered Colin a small, knowing smile and mouthed one word: “Soon.” Colin just smiled in return and took another huge gulp of his wine. It seemed to take hours for their waiter, a boy would could maybe pass for nineteen, to return bearing two trays absolutely laden with decadent sweets. He laid a thin porcelain plate with the darkest chocolate cake in front of Colin. Colin couldn’t remember ordering it, and considered the possibility that his character had ordered for him. Everyone was digging into their own desserts now. To Colin’s left he could see Pat slicing off the tip of a berry covered cheesecake with the edge of her fork; to his right Deb cracked the delicate sugar shell of her crême bruleé. And Ryan... Ryan was sitting perfectly still, his own dessert untouched. He smiled at Colin, warm, mischievous and absolutely at ease. He winked, slow and easy, and his lips parted. “Now, Col Run ” Colin blinked and Ryan’s seat was empty. Colin blinked again and he was twenty feet away, suit jacket flapping behind him, Pat, Deb and the rest of their party staring after him in open mouthed shock. Before he could think Colin was up and chasing after him, dodging tables and nearly tripping over his own feet as he made a mad dash after his best friend toward freedom. Ahead of him Ryan had just reached the dining room doors; he hit them at a run and held tight to the handle, using his momentum to swing to the right and continue down the hall and out of sight. Seconds later Colin was at the doors. He paused just long enough to throw a look back at their table. The confusion was gone, and now both Pat and Deb stared after him with twin expressions of quickly growing anger. Pat was already on her feet, intent on following them, and then Deb was, too, but the door swung shut behind him and Colin ran. Ryan was at the end of the corridor, waiting, watching as he bounced impatiently on the balls of his feet. “Come on ” he called as soon as Colin met his gaze. Colin forced his legs to move faster. “They’re following us ” he called back. Ryan laughed. “Then hurry the Hell up ” And then they were on the deck of the ship, warm summer air whipping past their faces, tugging at their clothes. The stars shone bright and silent above them. Ryan was still laughing joyously as they wove through the thin night crowd. “This was your ingenious plan?” Colin asked amidst gulps of air and his own giggles. Ryan threw him a sideways glance, eyes sparkling. “It worked, didn’t it?” But then their wives were calling them, distant, but not far enough away that they dared stop. Ryan grabbed Colin’s wrist and tugged them both around a corner. They were at the pool; the water shone black and calm, reflecting the night sky. Ryan was racing toward it. He wouldn’t– Colin thought and dug his heels into the ground, yanking back on his hand. Ryan stumbled and then threw Colin a concerned look. “Come on ” he insisted, pulling hard on Colin’s hand in and effort to get him moving again, but Colin stayed put, shaking his head. “We’re not...” he started, eyes lock on the mass of black glass that was the surface of the pool. “No,” Ryan agreed, “we’re not. Now come on Hurry ” So Colin went. He’d never had any reason to doubt his friend, and he wasn’t about to start now. Ryan came to a halt just short of the pool. He placed both hands on Colin’s shoulders and pushed him down saying, “Under the chair.” Colin complied without thought or hesitation. He ignored the fact that scooting along his belly over damp planks in an attempt to crawl under a plastic deck chair was not only insane but juvenile to boot and just did it. He’d probably crawl through broken glass if Ryan gave him a good enough reason. It was a tight fit – very tight. Above him Ryan was lowering the chair’s back to make their impromptu hiding place a couple feet longer and then draping towels across it to pool on the deck and obscure them from sight. In another moment Ryan was joining him, folding his long legs and twisting them around Colin’s in an effort to fit in the very small space. And none too soon. Colin opened his mouth, ready to ask just what in the Hell it was they were doing squished into this makeshift fort, but Ryan clapped a hand over his mouth before he’d even gotten one word out. And then he heard it: the distinctive click of high heels not twenty feet from where they lay. “Ryan? Colin? Where are you? What’s going on?” That was Pat, and then Deb spoke up with, “Colin, darling, stop playing and come out.” The footsteps slowed, and Colin imagined the women looking out over the pool. This area of the ship was mostly open and they would have had to be running nearly twice as fast to disappear as they had. Ryan’s heart was beating like crazy. Colin could feel it against his own chest. They were pressed tightly together; Ryan’s hand that wasn’t still over Colin’s mouth was around his back, holding them close enough to keep them both under the chair. They were twined together, legs threaded around each other in an oddly intimate position. Colin could just barely make out Ryan’s eyes, dull pinpoints in the darkness. He was breathing in rapid pants, his warm breath washing over Colin’s cheeks and forehead. Suddenly Colin thought he wouldn’t mind spending the night lying here wrapped around his best friend. The footsteps were moving away now, the increasingly desperate calls of their wives growing fainter with each passing second. Colin realized vaguely that they were lying in a puddle. He could feel the cold chlorinated water soaking into the side of his three hundred dollar suit. It was another minute before Colin was sure they were alone, but Ryan had yet to remove his hand or make any move to pull away. Colin smiled. On a whim he parted his lips ever so slightly and licked Ryan’s palm. Ryan jerked back with a yelp and then laughed, punching Colin’s arm and pulling him back for an awkward hug. “Jerk,” Ryan said, still chuckling. Then he was moving back, giving them both room to breath. Colin couldn’t help but laugh himself. The whole situation had him giddy, almost drunk with the absurdity of it all. “You’re nuts,” he whispered. “That’s why you love me,” Ryan replied with a smirk. Colin just smiled. “Yes, it is.” They remained beneath the chair for another moment, neither speaking. Colin was too busy contemplating his own words. Of course he loved Ryan. It wasn’t a strange thing to say; they’d both told the other as much numerous times before, but something about this time felt different, though he couldn’t quite say how. Suddenly Ryan kicked up, sending the chair toppling off them. A rush of air chilled Colin where the water had drenched his clothes. He felt himself shiver and they both climbed to their feet. “We’ve got to keep moving,” Ryan said. “They’re gone now, but they’ll be back.” “Where to, oh fearless leader?” Ryan furrowed his brow, thinking. “Up,” he said at last. “Let’s get as high as we can.” That ended up being three decks higher on a small balcony behind the control room. Ryan and Colin crept along, sneaking up staircases like children playing at being spies. It was incredibly stupid, Colin reflected as they finally made it to their destination, but incredibly fun. Something about being with Ryan made Colin not care about how childish he acted; he didn’t care about how they appeared to the other tourists. The odd and often disapproving looks they received didn’t bother him in the slightest. Maybe they were two grown men acting like five year olds, but they were doing it together. Once they had made it to the balcony, the mood seemed to turn somber. They stood side by side, gazes turned out over the back of the ship. In the distance Colin could see the ripples trailing after them as the yacht cut through the water. “Right now we should be in the ballroom dancing with Deb and Pat,” Colin said quietly. He didn’t know what prompted it. Maybe he was feeling guilty for abandoning them. Ryan shrugged. “I hate dancing.” “But you’re good at it.” “Not that good.” “Better than me.” Ryan threw him a sidelong glance. There was the tiniest hint of a smile as he replied, “Maybe you just need the right partner.” Colin turned to him, grinning in confusion. That morning he had been dancing with Deb; who would possibly be a better partner than her? “Are you offering?” It was said in jest and Ryan seemed to know that. He was grinning mischievously as he turned to face Colin, leaning sideways against the railing. Still, he was never one to back down from a challenge. “Yeah. I am.” If Colin thought their earlier game was stupid, then this was downright ludicrous, but with an odd, twisting feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized that he wanted to dance with Ryan. Something about being so close to his best friend, hand in hand, cheek to cheek was suddenly undeniably appealing. Ryan held out one hand in invitation, and Colin took it without hesitation. Silently he led them a few feet from the railing until they had plenty of room on all sides. Ryan maneuvered them into position, pulling Colin’s hand to sit at his waist while he placed his own on Colin’s shoulder. And they danced. It wasn’t anything fancy; more it was reminiscent of children dancing, shuffling around in small circles pressed tightly against your partner. Colin felt his eyes slide shut, and he wrapped his arm tighter around Ryan’s waist, his hand settling at the small of Ryan’s back. He lay his head on Ryan’s shoulder, listening to the other man’s slow, steady breaths, calmed by the strong heartbeat he could feel beneath his cheek. He was reminded of the time they had danced once during a game of Greatest Hits years ago. He hadn’t let on at the time, but the simple invitation Ryan had made when he lay one hand on Colin’s shoulder had been very much appreciated, even if it was done solely for laughs. It had been a strange, calming moment in the otherwise hectic world that was Whose Line is it Anyway. They had continued to dance even after the buzzer had sounded, each eventually pulling away from the other with obvious reluctance. Now, pressed so perfectly against his best friend, Colin felt that same sense of serenity wash over him. This was exactly the mood he’d hoped for when Ryan had invited him on this cruise. He’d nearly forgotten, what with all their antics and interference from their wives, but now, with one of Ryan’s large hands wrapped around his, the other sliding lightly over his shoulder blades, he finally felt at home. “I’ve missed you,” Colin said quietly, muffled into Ryan’s neck. Ryan untangled their hands to wind both arms around Colin’s back. Colin could feel the heat of his palms through his shirt. Up as high as they were, there was a substantial breeze. Even through his clothes were now mostly dry, Colin still felt chilled. Everywhere Ryan touched, however, he felt warm, safe, happy. “I’ve missed you, too,” Ryan whispered. His breath tickled Colin’s ear, fluttering the fine hairs at his temple. They weren’t even dancing anymore, just hugging, wrapped up in the joy of finally, finally getting to spend some time alone. “Do you wish I hadn’t invited them?” Ryan asked suddenly. “No, of course not,” Colin answered instantly. “They need a vacation just as much as we do.” Ryan was quiet for a moment and then he squeezed Colin tight, saying, “I do.” Surprised, Colin pulled back to look into his best friend’s face. He had thought Ryan was happy here with Pat. Ryan looked right back at him, a small, sad smiled playing about his lips, his green eyes black and large in the star light. “Don’t get me wrong,” he said quietly, almost to himself, running two fingers down the side of Colin’s face, from temple to chin along his jaw, the way a lover would. He did it almost unconsciously and without comment. “It’s nice to be here with Pat and Deb. I can tell they’re really enjoying themselves, but this week was supposed to be about us. It’s already been two days and I feel like I’ve barely seen you.” Just as unconsciously Colin leaned into the touch. He gave an almost inaudible sigh when Ryan pulled away to replace his hand on Colin’s hip, regaining the vaguest hint of a hug. To anyone watching, it would have all seemed rather romantic, but to the two men it was simply nature. After twenty five years they had grown comfortable enough with each other that hugging was no stranger than a smile or a handshake. “Let’s spend tomorrow together,” Ryan continued. “Just us. Pat and Deb will understand.” “Here you two are.” Deb’s voice rang over the balcony, loud and harsh after the near whispers the men had been conversing in. Colin nearly jumped back in surprise, feeling oddly guilty at the sight of their wives approaching, but Ryan’s hands tightened at his waist, keeping him firmly in place. Ryan turned to smile at their wives. “Hey, ladies.” Pat chuckled, but Deb was watching them suspiciously. She looped both arms around Colin’s waist from behind, tugging him away from Ryan, and he let her. “You gave us quite a scare,” she murmured into Colin’s shoulder blades. “We just wanted some time along to talk,” Ryan answered for Colin. Now that they were apart, he was opening his arms to Pat, pulling his wife into his side. “We were supposed to go dancing tonight,” Pat said, looking up into her husband’s face. She sounded like a petulant child, pouting adorably. “There’ll be plenty of time for that,” Ryan said. He smiled down at her before dropping a kiss on the end of her nose. Pat smiled. She stood on tiptoe to pull him into a proper kiss, chaste but heartfelt. Colin felt a painful twist somewhere around the area of his heart, especially at the way Ryan’s eyes lit up at the sign of affection. Her small hands traveled up to toy with the lapels of his jacket, tugging him toward the stairs. “Why don’t you take me back to our room and make it up to me...” Ryan chuckled low in his throat and let her lead the way. Just before they disappeared from view, he turned back to smile at Colin. “Tomorrow?” he asked. Colin only nodded in response. There was a thick, cold lump in the base of his throat, constricting it so no words would come. Once they were gone, Deb finally let Colin go. He could hear the frown in her voice as she said, “You’re all wet.” “I was lying on the ground,” Colin replied. He was still watching the spot where Ryan had disappeared. “Why were you doing that?” Colin didn’t answer. He merely shrugged and started off for their room, sure that Deb would follow. Day 3 When Colin woke the next morning Deb was already gone. There was a short note on the bedside table written in her familiar loopy handwriting on scented purple stationary. It told him that she and Pat were at the spa for the day and would meet him and Ryan for dinner. That was followed by a joking threat about how they would go dancing that night or he’d get no sex for a month. Colin didn’t see what was so threatening about that. He decided to stay in bed a while longer, just staring out the porthole at the wisps of clouds passing by. He was reminded of the day they boarded (was that really only two days ago?) and the cloud both he and Ryan had spotted. Just thinking about Ryan brought a smile to Colin’s lips. They were finally going to get to spend some time together. As if on cue there came a knock on his door, followed by a muffled cry of “You up yet?” Colin recognized the voice immediately, and his smile widened. He padded across the floor, his bare feet making pleasing slapping sounds on the wooden planks. Yanking open the door, Colin was greeted by the sight of his best friend in a t-shirt and swim trunks, a towel slung over one arm. “We’re free,” Ryan said, a manic twinkle in his eye. He pushed past a laughing Colin and flopped down on the unmade bed. Colin was still in the doorway, grinning at him, and Ryan rolled his eyes impatiently. “Well? Get dressed We’re going swimming ” “We’re going swimming,” was more correctly translated as “I’m going to try my damndest to get you into the pool, fail miserably, and then go swimming myself as you read on a deck chair,” and they both knew it. They also both knew that Colin would placate his friend by putting on a swimsuit anyway, even if he had no intention of using it. It wasn’t that Colin disliked swimming, quite the opposite, but he also had severe problems with being half naked in front of complete strangers. Still, he dutifully changed and even scrounged around his luggage until he came up with a bottle of water proof suntan lotion. Gathering up a book, they made their way to the deck. The pool was teeming with people young and old. It was far too crowded for Colin’s tastes, but with the sun bearing down on them he had to admit that it looked inviting. Maybe he’d surprise them both and actually go in. Maybe. They picked out a couple of chairs and set their belongings down. Ryan quickly stripped himself of his shirt and grabbed the lotion, spreading copious amounts on his arms and chest. With a mental shrug Colin did the same, taking off his shirt and procuring the bottle. Soon Ryan was turning around, a silent indication for Colin to do his back, and Colin dutifully complied. It was a sort of ritual, something that had become a pattern when using Ryan’s pool in his home in L.A. When Colin was finished, however, he found himself at a bit of a loss. Instinct told him he should turn around and let Ryan return the favor, but that had never happened before. On the rare occasion Colin did go swimming, he always took care of himself or possibly let Deb do it. Ryan stood, ready to go in the pool. He looked down to say as much and then paused. Colin looked amusingly lost, staring at the suntan lotion as though he’d never seen it before. Ryan smiled. He plunked down next to Colin and took the bottle from his hands. “Turn around.” “What?” Colin was blinking up at him, still adorably confused. Ryan reached out to physically turn him. “Come on. You don’t want your back to get burned, do you?” Colin let it happen, though he was still feeling somewhat unsure. The feeling only worsened when he heard the click as Ryan flipped open the cap, followed shortly by the slurp of lotion hitting his palm. The cream was delightfully cold against his already sun warmed back, but as Ryan worked it in, sliding his hands over the skin, it quickly warmed. Colin couldn’t remember Ryan ever touching him like this. It felt strange. Good, but strange. Soon Ryan wasn’t just rubbing in the lotion, but kneading it in. His long fingers worked at the muscles of his back in an impromptu massage, starting at the base of his neck and slowly trailing down the sides of his spine, blooming out to work at his shoulder blades and then lower, at his sides just above his hips. Suddenly it didn’t feel strange anymore; it didn’t even feel good; it felt great. Colin found himself leaning back into the touch. He’d always thought of Ryan as somewhat of a gentle giant, and this did nothing to allay that image. He could feel the strength in Ryan’s hands, but it was masked by a softness, a carefulness that let him know that Ryan would never, could never hurt him. Ryan’s hands were very low now, working the skin just above the waistband of Colin’s shorts. And it no longer felt like the kind touch of a friend, but the sensual touch of a lover. Each press of Ryan’s fingertips shot like a bolt of lightning up his spine and then back down, spreading out, warm and liquid to pool around his groin. Colin jerked forward, breaking contact. The next moment he was on his feet, giving Ryan a nervous smile and praying to God that the pool was cold. “Ready to go in?” Ryan asked, getting to his feet as well. There was something in his eyes, a shimmer of playfulness. If Colin didn’t know better he’d think that Ryan knew exactly what he was doing. “Yes,” Colin replied. It came out low and gravely. Colin cleared his throat and nodded at the shining blue water. “I think I will. Just for a bit.” They trotted to the edge of the pool and slipped in, side by side. Ryan went immediately underwater. Colin watched him as he wove through the mass of bodies to resurface some twenty feet away. Colin stayed where he was, arms slung over the concrete rim, content to feel the water lapping at his waist. There were far too many people in the pool, and to go in any further would leave him feeling claustrophobic. He watched as Ryan broke the surface, bobbing up, head flung back to shake the water from his eyes. Colin couldn’t take his eyes off him. The midday sun glistened on Ryan’s body and dotted his darkened curls like diamonds. Colin couldn’t help but feel like a voyeur, like he had no right to see his friend looking so beautiful, but no amount of money in the world would force his gaze away. Ryan looked to him then, and Colin blushed, feeling caught, like a child with his hand in the cookie jar. Ryan beckoned him over, but Colin just shook his head. The water was doing nothing to cool his hormones, rather he was feeling more riled up than before he’d gotten in. He needed to get out, get away, bury himself in a book to rid himself of these disturbing feelings and indicated as much, nodding toward their chairs as he headed for the steps. Ryan looked disappointed of course, and Colin couldn’t blame him. It must have been a pleasant surprise that he’d agreed to go in the pool in the first place, and here he was backing out after maybe two minutes. Colin couldn’t let that bother him. He returned to his chair without looking Ryan’s way again. He didn’t want to think about the feelings the sight of his wet, half-naked friend evoked. He was determined to lose himself in a novel and forget it ever happened. But Lady Luck wasn’t on his side. Was she ever, Colin mused as a long shadow fell over him. Water dripped, falling on his arm and even staining the pages of his book. With a very weary sigh, Colin looked up. Ryan stood over him, smiling down, completely unaware of the battle that raged in his friend’s mind. He was still soaking wet, not having bothered to towel off. Water ran in rivulets from his temples, caressing his cheeks and then dripping from his chin. It dripped down his chest, outlining the planes of his pectorals, dipping and swaying around his abdomen. There was a little shining pool in the hollow of his navel , and Colin had the sudden urge to scoop out the water with his tongue. Ryan’s voice brought Colin back to reality like a slap in the face. “Come on,” he urged, laying one damp hand on Colin’s shoulder. “Come back and play with me.” “I don’t know...” Colin argued. His voice sounded weak to his own ears, and he couldn’t meet Ryan’s eyes. Instead he focused on his book, eyes locked on the little 42 in the top left corner of the page. “I’m reading,” he said, “and besides, there’s too many people in the pool.” Ryan opened his mouth to retort, but whatever he was about to say was drowned out by a sudden lascivious cry of, “Hello there, boys.” Startled, they both looked up to see two women approaching them. Colin didn’t know them, and from the looks he and Ryan were receiving, he doubted the girls recognized them either. They appeared to be in their late thirties, early forties, and not the types who watched a lot of prime time sitcoms. “My name is Cheryl,” one of the women, an attractive brunette, said. She motioned to her friend, a blond, and not quite as pretty, who was making eyes at Colin. “This is Denise. Mind if we join you?” Colin gave them a polite smile. “We’re married,” he told them, lifting his hand in proof at the same time that Ryan said, “We’re gay.” Colin blinked, started and shot his friend a questioning look, but Ryan was still smiling calmly at the women. “Well, which is it?” Cheryl laughed, sounding dubious. “Married or gay?” “Both,” Ryan replied smoothly. He sat down next to Colin, perching beside him on the deck hair and throwing one long arm around his shoulders. “We’re married to each other.” Denise shook her head. “Gay... er... men can’t be married.” Colin still wasn’t sure why Ryan had told them as much, but he went along with it, not missing a beat. “We’re from Canada. It’s legal there.” But the women still didn’t look convinced. Cheryl crossed her arms over her chest, raising one eyebrow. “You wouldn’t just be trying to get rid of us, would you?” “No ” Ryan laughed, shaking his head as though the very thought were ludicrous. He gave Colin a squeeze and tilted his head to touch temples with him. “Is it so hard to believe we’re a couple?” Cheryl’s posture alone said quite clearly that yes, it was that hard to believe. Ryan chuckled low in his throat. The sound reverberated through his chest, tickling Colin where bare skin met bare skin. “I guess we’ll just have prove it, right honey?” It was said quietly, almost as a thought spoken aloud, and as he spoke, Ryan curled his fingers under Colin’s chin, tilting his head until they were face to face. Colin had no idea why Ryan would do this. He asked, no, begged for answers with his eyes, but Ryan just smiled, small and mischievous. Laughter danced in his dark ocean colored eyes, and then Ryan’s breath was ghosting over Colin’s cheek, warm and sweet, and Colin found his gaze drawn to his lips. He was captivated by how soft they appeared and the way they tilted up ever so slightly on one side. And then Ryan was kissing him. On instinct Colin closed his eyes. He wanted to focus on the sensation of Ryan’s lips, which were just as soft as they looked, as soft as he’d always remembered them being. Without thinking, he lifted one hand to cradle Ryan’s jaw; he slid his tongue out and along Ryan’s upper lip. Ryan opened up to him immediately, and then it wasn’t lips he was tasting but another tongue. Colin’s breath caught in his throat. They’d shared numerous kisses on stage, but never one like this. He’d never dreamed that he’d get to feel what Ryan’s tongue playing across his teeth and along his own would be like. He’d never imagined it would feel so perfect. Even when the kiss was over, they didn’t pull away. They lingered, their lips just barely brushing, sharing in each other’s breathing. Suddenly Cheryl cleared her throat. Colin finally pulled back, turning to find the women staring at them, twin masks of just barely hidden disgust adorning their faces. A moment passed where they all just looked at each other, and then Denise swallowed nervously, muttering, “Sorry for bothering you guys.” She took hold of Cheryl’s hand and tugged her away none too gently. “You’re welcome to join us, though ” Ryan called out to their retreating backs. He watched them scurry off, waiting until they were well out of hearing range before bursting out in laughter. Colin was still very confused, but Ryan’s laughter was contagious. Soon he found himself smiling, even chuckling along with his friend. “Oh wow,” Ryan gasped out between giggles. “Did you see their faces? They did not expect... oh, that was perfect ” Yes, Colin thought distantly, that was perfect. “Ryan?” he asked, trying in vain to catch his friend’s gaze, though Ryan was still far too gone to do anything but wipe amused tears from his eyes. “Why did you do that?” Ryan didn’t seem to hear him. He was still chuckling, muttering to himself. “Why did you tell them we were gay? Ryan?” “What?” Ryan finally looked to Colin, still smiling bemusedly. “Oh, right. Well, you saw them,” he said, gesturing in the direction the women had disappeared. “They weren’t going to take no for an answer. It was the only sure way to let them know they were wasting their time.” “We’re married,” Colin replied. “That should have been enough.” Ryan shrugged. “This way was more fun. Besides,” and now he paused, leering at Colin playfully, “you know you liked that.” I did, Colin thought, a little too much. But even if he had the guts to tell Ryan as much, he wouldn’t have had the chance. Ryan was standing, stretching so that his back cracked in audible pops. “I’m going to go back in,” he declared. “Sure you won’t come?” “Yes. I’m sure.” So Colin went back to reading, but he was finding it harder and harder to concentrate. Inexorably his eyes would be drawn to Ryan, watching him as he swam, as he took the time to play with children or get pulled into a game or two. He looked so happy, so care free. Colin longed to be like that, to let go of his inhibitions and just have fun, but he couldn’t, so he read. And he watched. Lunch was enjoyable for the first time since the start of the cruise. They chose to eat at the bar and snacked on deli sandwiches and chips, washing it all down with bitter imported beer. They took the time to catch up, talking of work and life between bites. By the time they adjourned to Colin’s room to play cards, Colin was feeling almost normal again. This morning’s escapades were a silly, distant thing in his mind. If asked later he wouldn’t have been able to say what games they played because it really didn’t matter. All that mattered was that he was spending time with his best friend, and he was finally seeing this as a vacation. Ryan, however, was restless. He was stretched out on the bed, half sitting, half lying, propped up on his elbow while he stared morosely at the cards in his hands. One knee bounced up and down, a nervous habit that Colin had come to accept over the course of their friendship. He generally ignored it, but he still knew what it meant; Ryan was bored. They’d been holed up for the better part of two hours, the salty summer breeze filling the room with the scent of adventure. Colin smiled. Ryan was the more action oriented of the two. All this sitting still must have been driving him insane. Colin had asked him if he wanted to do something else a few minutes earlier, but Ryan waved the concern off. It was actually quite a sweet gesture; he was trying to content himself with Colin’s choice of activities. He didn’t know that Colin really didn’t care what they were doing as long as they did it together. Colin sat and continued to play, the picture of patience. The quiet would get to Ryan soon enough, and he quite looked forward to the little outburst that would follow. He didn’t have long to wait. Less than a minute later, Ryan tossed down his cards, jerking into a sitting position. “That’s it ” he exclaimed. “We have to get out of this room. I’m going stir crazy ” Colin lay his own cards down, fighting not to laugh. “Okay. What should we do?” “I don’t know Something. Anything Let’s just go.” He jumped to his feet and reached an arm out to help Colin up as well. Colin grasped Ryan’s hand, feeling the rough, warm fingers against his palm and allowed himself to be pulled up, no longer trying to hide his amusement. He loved it when Ryan got like this: so full of life. When they were both standing face to face inspiration seemed to hit Ryan. His face split in a manic grin. “Hide and seek.” “Pardon?” “Let’s play hide and seek,” Ryan repeated. He was bouncing again. “I don’t know...” Colin began, but it was just for show. He was supposed to be the logical one after all. Truthfully, it sounded like fun. Ryan didn’t reply. He just stood, grinning at Colin. Then suddenly he shouted, “You’re it ” and bolted for the door. Colin almost considered going after him, but he forced himself to stay put and count to fifty. He should have counted longer, he berated himself as he scooped up his room key and headed out the door, but they were on a big ship. He was going to have a hard enough time finding Ryan as it was without giving him a proper head start. Ryan wasn’t in the corridor, nor in sight when Colin stepped on deck. The early afternoon sun glinted off the railing, a bright, dusty yellow, nearly blinding him. Colin shaded his eyes and thought. There were five open air decks as well as several more below. If he was lucky, Ryan wouldn’t have strayed too far. Surprisingly, Colin didn’t feel the least bit childish as he set off across the main deck, pausing every so often to check places a six and a half foot tall man could be hiding. Rather he just felt alive, even a bit indulgent. When he’d met Ryan so many years ago, he’d been barely surviving, working at a job he hated while he desperately attempted to follow his dreams. Now he could afford to spend a week floating about the ocean while he played games. His life, his future were more than secure. A memory surfaced as Colin stooped to check beneath the cover of a life boat. He had known Ryan for maybe six months at the time; they’d clicked immediately and by that point hung out almost every day, mostly doing improv, though often retiring to one of their friend’s apartments for beer, television and a game of cards. Then one fateful Tuesday night, Ryan suggested something different. “Let’s play tag,” he had said, crowded in the backseat of Patrick’s Buick with Colin and Rick. Patrick had glanced at him in the rearview mirror. “Freeze tag?” he had asked, referring to the improv game. “No,” Ryan shook his head. “Just tag. There’s a park up ahead,” he said, extending his arm to point out the windshield. The sun had fallen quite some time ago, and the park was empty of inhabitants, though most likely due to the fact that it had been freezing rather than the darkness. The guys had looked dubious as they got out of the car, freshly fallen snow crunching under boots and sneakers, but they played anyway. They had raced around in the dark for hours, breath illuminated by the random street lamp, all the while ridiculing Ryan for the juvenile suggestion, but he’d taken it in stride. No matter what the other guys said, it was obvious they were having the time of their lives. When they’d finally climbed back into the car, collapsing against each other, out of breath and laughing, they were all covered in sweat. A few had even peeled off their heavy winter coats. Colin had wound up in the middle of the back seat, Rick and Ryan to either side of him. He remembered very clearly Ryan throwing one arm around his shoulder and drawing him close to whisper, “Now that was fun.” So caught up in the memory was he that it took Colin a moment to realize he was staring into a set of dark green eyes. Ryan flung himself out of the lifeboat and took off at a run, shouting, “I’m not it yet You have to catch me first ” Colin sprinted after him, laughing joyously. Ryan had longer legs, but he was impeded by the groups and couples still walking the deck. He had to push his way through them, and Colin followed, cutting deftly though the openings Ryan forged. They were getting their fair share of dirty looks, but Colin didn’t pause to apologize. Even the slightest hesitation could cause him to lose sight of Ryan. When he finally caught up, Ryan was swinging around a corner, one hand looped over the railing of the stairs leading to the next deck. Colin’s fingers scrabbled at the material over Ryan’s back, but it was pulled from his grasp as Ryan shot up the steps, laughter trailing after him. Colin redoubled his efforts, taking the steps two at a time. He reached the top a millisecond after Ryan, and without thinking, flung himself forward, arms outstretched. He caught Ryan around the waist and continued forward, wrenching them both to the ground. The heel of Ryan’s sneaker dug into Colin’s abdomen just above his navel, knocking the wind out of him, but Colin held tight, absorbing the pain as part of the game. Ryan was squirming beneath him, one hand cradling his elbow, eyes squeezed tight in pain though he continued to laugh. “All right All right Uncle You got me ” But Colin didn’t let go just yet. He knew Ryan too well to imagine he’d given up so easily. Ryan was trying to sit up now, and Colin remained wrapped around him, looking up into his face, cheek pillowed on his hip. He could see it in Ryan’s eyes; the second he let go, Ryan would be back on his feet, running away, so Colin held on, sweated beaded along his forehead, and just caught his breath. Ryan seemed more than willing to do the same. They really were too old for this kind of shit. Eventually his shoulders slumped and he rolled his eyes, falling back. His head hit the deck with an audible thump, and he giggled in pain. “Give up?” Colin panted. “Said I did.” “Yes, but do you really give up?” It took Ryan a moment to answer. Colin could hear him breathing heavily, his chest heaving with the effort. He could imagine the wheels turning in his friend’s head, looking for any way out. “Yeah, I give up,” and he actually sounded like he meant it. “Now get off me.” Colin complied. He crawled up alongside Ryan’s body only to collapse again when they were face to face. People were still milling around them; they were lying on the deck, pretty much dead center in the corridor leading to the stairs, but they didn’t care. People could walk around them if they wanted to get through badly enough. Colin lay stomach down on the deck, his head turned and resting on his folded arms, watching Ryan. Ryan watched him right back. They were both smiling like idiots. “Remember playing tag in the park?” Colin asked suddenly. Ryan’s smile widened. “I was just thinking about that. God, that was great.” “Do you ever miss it?” “Vancouver?” Ryan laughed and shook his head, turning to face the sun. It glinted off his cheeks and neck. “You mean barely making rent and working at the club? It sucked.” And now he turned back to Colin, eyes alight with the memory. “Yeah, I do.” “That was before Deb and Pat,” Colin commented, almost to himself. Ryan nodded. “Things were different then.” Colin had closed his eyes. He was picturing nights spent sprawled out on the couch complaining about work while they watched sitcoms and then breaking into improv games just for the Hell of it. “It was better,” he whispered. He could hear Ryan’s answering chuckle. “I wouldn’t go that far.” “I would.” Colin kept his eyes shut. He could feel Ryan’s gaze settle on him, most likely questioning, concerned. He wasn’t prepared to clarify that statement. He should have known he didn’t need to. “Col?” Ryan said, very quietly. “Is everything okay between you and Deb?” When Colin refused to answer, Ryan sighed. “That’s what’s wrong, isn’t it? The thing you’re not telling me.” Colin opened his eyes then. Ryan had propped himself up on his elbows and was staring down at him. Colin tried to give his friend a reassuring smile, but it wouldn’t come. “Things are the same as they always were.” Ryan frowned, obviously not finding that answer to be the least bit satisfactory. With another sigh he leaned down, touching Colin’s forehead with his own. “Talk to me.” “I...” “What the Hell are you two doing?” Their heads snapped around so quickly it was a wonder they didn’t get whiplash. Deb and Pat stood a few feet away, staring at them in disbelief. Deb had her hands on her hips and Colin could see the anger in her eyes. He swallowed reflexively. But it was Pat who spoke. “Ryan, please get off the floor. You’re embarrassing us.” It was said very quietly, but she was obviously just as mad as Deb. Apparently her ‘boys will be boys’ attitude didn’t extend to everything. Ryan grinned sheepishly. “We were just playing.” He sounded like a petulant five year old. “You are two grown men,” Deb growled. She still hadn’t moved. Her knuckled were white where they rested on her hips, fists clenched. Colin imagined that it must be painful: her long reg nails digging into her palms as they must be. “Even Luke wouldn’t behave so childishly.” Now Colin was getting angry. He had lost count of the number of times Deb or Pat had interrupted them over the past three days, every time with a disparaging if not downright insulting remark. He was sick of it. “Of course he wouldn’t,” Colin spat, straightening and dusting off his pants as he spoke. “You won’t let him just be a kid.” He needed to feel equal to her if he was going to finish this argument without backing down, and there was no way that would happen if he had to look up to her. Deb stalked the remaining feet between them to jab at Colin’s chest with one brightly painted nail. “You don’t get to say anything about the way I raise our son. You’re barely a father as it is, always flitting around the states. He barely knows you ” That hurt. Even more so because it was true. “Shut up,” Colin hissed. He kept his arms locked, hands at his sides. Deb smiled, nasty and righteous. She knew that she’d hit a nerve. “You don’t think I know?” She took a step back, crossing her arms smugly. “You’d rather spend your nights in a hotel room with another man,” she said, referring, of course, to Brad, “than at home with your wife and son.” There was something very vindictive in her gaze as she looked him up and down, still with that little incredulous smile. “Do you share a bed with him?” she asked. “Are you fucking him, Colin?” “I said shut up ” Colin involuntarily took a step toward her, but strong arms wrapped around his waist, pulling him back. He could feel hot breath against his ear and then Ryan whispering, quickly, quietly in a vain attempt to soothe him. “Calm down. Calm down. It’s okay. She doesn’t know what she’s saying. She’s angry. Calm down. Shh...” It almost worked. At Deb’s final words, Colin’s vision had flashed red, and he was left feeling light headed with fury. His body was still strung through with tension, but he was feeling far more grounded. It helped that Pat had stepped in front of Deb, blocking her from view, and was talking to her much in the same way Ryan spoke to him. Suddenly Colin could hear taking, indistinct chatter that seemed to surround him. He looked around and was startled to see that they’d attracted quite a bit of attention. The crowd was talking amongst itself in twos and threes, not bothering to keep their voices down. He could see recognition on quite a few faces, and as each person turned and spoke to the person next to them, that recognition grew. This was not good. “We have to get out of here,” Colin said. He felt rather than saw Ryan’s answering nod. And then Ryan had taken him by the hand to pull him down the stairs and back to his room. Once inside, Colin immediately flopped down on the bed and put his head in his hands. Ryan was pacing the room in a few long strides. Back and forth. Then the sound of heels clicking down the hallways, muffled but distinct reached his ears followed by the sound of a door slamming shut, and Colin knew that Pat had taken Deb back to his and her room. A few minutes passed while neither man spoke. Ryan continued his pacing. It was getting on Colin’s nerves. “Can you please stop?” he asked, dropping his hands. Ryan stilled immediately. Colin could see Ryan’s feet turn toward him, large white scuffed sneakers, and kept his gaze trained on them, unwilling to meet his friend’s eyes. “Are you calm now?” Colin just shrugged. Ryan moved, sneakers heading toward him before veering slight to plunk down on the bed next to him. An arm came out to hesitantly lay across Colin’s shoulders. “You know she didn’t mean any of that.” “Yes, she did.” “No,” Ryan insisted, “she didn’t. She was angry. She wasn’t thinking.” “Well, it’s all true.” Ryan chuckled humorlessly. “Even the part about Brad?” It was said as a joke, but Colin could hear the genuine curiosity behind it. “Well, no, not that. But she’s right. I’d rather be on tour than at home.” Colin buried his face in his hands again. “I’m a horrible father.” “You are not,” Ryan said vehemently, emphasizing his words by squeezing Colin tightly in a sideways hug. “Are you avoiding Luke on purpose?” “No.” “Don’t you call him while you’re on the road?” “All the time.” “Then I’m sure he doesn’t think you’re a horrible father,” Ryan said quietly. “He knows that your job takes you away from home... and if you like it that way, then I’m also sure that he knows that it has nothing to do with him.” And it had everything to do with Deb, Colin thought. The words weren’t spoken, but they were clearly implied and unfortunately, horribly true. “Col, look at me.” Colin still had his head in his hands, and Ryan had to pry them away before he could tilt Colin to face him. Colin blinked at Ryan, comforted by the concern and love he could see in his friend’s face. Impulsively, Ryan leaned forward and pressed his lips to Colin’s in a quick, chaste kiss. He pulled away just as suddenly, and, eyes closed, rested his forehead against Colin’s just the way he’d done on deck. “We’ll get through this. We’ll fix it,” Ryan whispered fiercely. “So stop beating yourself up over it. You’re a good person and a good father.” His eyes opened then; just inches away, Colin could see gold and blue flecks making vague circles in his irises, like the ocean at dawn. “No matter what, I’ll always be here for you. I love you, Colin.” “I love you, too,” Colin replied, but it was shattered by a sudden knock on the door, followed by Pat calling out, “I’m coming in ” She opened the door and poked her head in just as Ryan was straightening. She entered the room proper and looked to Colin briefly before addressing Ryan. “She’s not happy, but she’s willing to be civil until they both calm down enough to talk.” “She doesn’t want to talk now?” Ryan asked. He still had his arm around Colin’s shoulders. “No,” Pat shook her head. She looked back to Colin, lifting her hands. He hadn’t noticed before, but she was carrying something – a bundle of cloth. “She wants to go to dinner. Something about keeping up appearances. I brought some things for you to change into.” Brown, Colin noticed. It was his brown suit. He despised his brown suit. He smiled at Pat and rose to his feet, letting Ryan’s arm slide down his back before dropping away completely. “Thank you,” he told her, taking the clothes from her outstretched hands, “but I won’t be going to dinner.” “You have to eat,” Ryan protested. Colin didn’t turn to face him. “I will,” he said, still smiling at Pat. “I’ll catch up with you guys tonight. We’re still going dancing, right?” Pat wasn’t smiling, but she wasn’t frowning either. She looked over Colin’s shoulder to meet her husband’s eyes. “I... I guess so.” Colin nodded. “I’ll see you then.” Colin ended up wandering the deck for over an hour, clutching the suit to his chest like some sort of life line. He made sure to steer clear of any areas his friends would possibly pass through, which mostly meant he hung out by the pool, staring over the back end of the yacht to watch the ripples in the ocean as the sun set. He had lied to Ryan. He didn’t eat, and he had no plans on rectifying that. Just then the thought of food made him want to vomit. He had too much on his mind, and when dinner came into the mix, it was just too much. It jumbled his thoughts into a queasy kind of disarray that left him feeling off balance. It was like before he’d quit smoking: if he was too busy thinking and not concentrating on the inhalations, he’d end up gagging. One thing at a time, he told himself. The action of the moment was dwelling on the immense failure of his marriage. It wasn’t because of the fight, though that had certainly been a catalyst. He and Deb had gotten into some pretty bad rows over the years, particularly when they’d resided in the Hell that was the City of Angels, but they’d always managed to bounce back. It would be an easy feat to do so now if he wanted to. If. Because there it was. He didn’t want to resolve this. He wanted out. He wanted that flawed dream of a little cabin in the woods in northern Washington, just a short drive from Ryan’s home. It would never, could never be perfect, not when he’d still have Pat to contend with for Ryan’s affections, but it was one step closer. It was a flaw he could live with. What he couldn’t live with was staying in a home with a woman he was rapidly coming to realize he felt nothing but contempt for. Oh, there had been love once, an enamored kind of puppy love that could withstand any trial, but time and fate had changed that. Deb was different. He was different. The only think that seemed to keep them together now was Luke and a fear of change, but that wasn’t fair to any of them. Colin wasn’t happy. He hadn’t been in a long, long time, and it was hurting his wife, hurting his son. It was time to face up to the fact that they’d all be better off apart. With a heavy sigh, Colin pushed away from the railing to head back to his room and dispose of the horrid suit he hadn’t even remembered packing. Enough time had passed that he was sure the others would be well into the main course by now. When he arrived in his cabin, he threw the clothes into a haphazard pile by the closet. He hated it too much to bother folding it or hanging it up. Truthfully, he’d rather burn it. He was still wearing the shorts and t-shirt he’d donned for lunch, but he wasn’t about to change into anything nicer. Yes, he was going to meet Deb in the ballroom, but he wasn’t going to dance. It was quite some time before he forced himself to leave the safety of his room to search out his wife. The ballroom was filled with elegantly dressed men in fitted suits and tuxedos and women in flowing silk and chiffon. Colin felt like an outsider in his old t-shirt and faded cut offs, but he turned on his acting skills and strode in like he belonged, like it was everyone else who was overdressed. He didn’t see Deb straight away, so he went to the bar to order a shot of confidence, followed by a tumbler of relaxation. He found one of the empty tables that lined the room and sipped his brandy slowly, fully intending to wait until Deb found him. He didn’t have to wait long. The glass was only half empty when Deb spotted him from thirty feet away. She looked magnificent. Her hair was done up in some deceptively complex style, a dark maroon dress hugged her curves, glittering with each step. She had actually been dancing with another man, but left with a smiling apology the moment she spotted her husband. The smile never left her lips as she crossed the room to meet him and sat herself gracefully in a chair to his right, but up close Colin could see the barely masked anger in her eyes. “You look like a bum.” It was said with tight lips still straining to smile. It would have been funny had Colin not been so used to it. This was how they normally argued in public, with cutting remarks through fake grins, looking for all the world like they were a happy, well adjusted couple having the time of their lives. Colin played along without thinking. “Don’t I always?” he asked, his own smile relaxed and to all appearances quite genuine. “You’re trying to embarrass me again.” Colin sipped from his glass and shrugged. “I’d say I never have to try very hard, but that actually wasn’t my intent tonight. I’m not staying. I’m just here to talk.” “Funny, it looks more like you’re here to get drunk.” Deb paused to wave at one of their newfound friends and then turned back to Colin, lips still curved upward. “Why don’t you want to dance?” “I hate dancing.” “You love dancing,” Deb retorted. She smiled wider and then laughed, laying one hand on Colin’s arm as if he’d just said something hilarious, most likely for the benefit of the couple passing by their table. What wasn’t obvious was the way her nails were digging into his flesh. “Maybe it’s just that you hate dancing with me?” Colin considered her words and then grinned wide enough to show teeth. “Yes. I think that’s it exactly.” “Oh?” Deb giggled. “Then who would you rather be dancing with? That Brad, perhaps?” “There’s nothing going on between Brad and me.” When he spoke, just a sliver of anger showed through, but at a sharp look from Deb, Colin was smiling once again. “Not Brad? Some little girl perhaps?” “There’s no one else,” Colin told her. Deb laughed again, and this time it seemed very real. “You must be joking. We haven’t had sex in months, and you’re trying to tell me you’re not getting it somewhere else?” “Are you saying you are?” “Nothing of the sort, Colin, darling, but I have a child to occupy my days. Some of use have too great a sense of responsibility to go traipsing off across the continent to tell jokes.” Colin tipped his glass to her, letting his admiration for the quality of the insult override his anger. “And some of us have too much self respect to stay with a woman he doesn’t love.” That wiped the smile clean off her face. It was a full thirty seconds before Deb regained her senses enough to give him another smile, though it was shaky at best. “You don’t mean that.” “Oh, but I do.” “Come off it, Colin.” Though she was still smiling, there was no denying the anger that colored her words. “Let’s stop this silly mud flinging and work on fixing this. You know that’s what will happen eventually anyway.” “Not this time, Debra, darling.” He put a significant amount of emphasis on the last word, turning the endearment into a mockery. “What are you saying?” “We’re finished,” Colin said. He flung back his head, swallowing the remainder of his drink in one gulp. “I want a divorce.” “You’re joking.” “I never joke,” Colin replied cheekily. The irony was not lost on either of them. He stood then, slamming the glass down on the table so that the ice within rattled noisily. He turned to go then, but Deb stopped him with a hand on his wrist. “Sit down,” she hissed. She wasn’t even trying to smile any longer. “This discussion is not over.” Colin looked down to her, smiling sadly. “Yes, it is. It’s something I should have done years ago.” He gently pried her fingers off him and walked away. “Don’t bother coming back to the room tonight ” Deb called after him. “You’re not welcome ” Colin shrugged. He was feeling light, free. Nothing could bother him. “I wasn’t planning on it.” Day 4 He was cold. That was Colin’s first thought when he woke the next morning. He tugged at the blankets, sleepily arranging them to cover his bare legs, but the blanket seemed oddly short and thin... and smelled very strongly of chlorine... Colin’s eyes snapped open. He was immediately awake, eyes darting about in a desperate attempt to figure out exactly where the Hell he was. At first all he could see was sky, the misty pink-grey of dawn. A seagull drifted overhead, followed soon after by another. Slowly, memories of last night trailed back: the fight, and then wandering the deck for another couple of hours, not quite knowing what to do. He’d half hoped Ryan would find him, talk to him, make everything better, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to explain himself. He’d gone over what he’d say a dozen times, discarding each idea only to come up with another and then discarding that as well. By the time he’d lain out on a deck chair and dragged a beach towel across himself, Colin was too exhausted to think anymore. It hadn’t mattered anyhow because Ryan never came looking for him. Colin’s last thought before sleep claimed him was a bitter, ‘He’s probably fucking his wife.’ And that was where he was now, curled up on the hard plastic, shivering in his shorts and t-shirt as day broke. It was still early enough that few patrons were up and about, and those that were paid him no mind. His mind skipped inevitably back to Ryan, and the thought that he was most likely asleep, spooned around Pat without a care in the world. Colin briefly considered that had things been different, he’d be in much the same position, but that thought was met with a blank feeling of resignation. There was no guilt, no regret; in fact quite the opposite. Colin felt suddenly vindicated and quite comfortable with his choice of beds. Still, the hard plastic and chill of pre-dawn did nothing for his back, so soon he was up and eager to find out when the dining hall opened for breakfast. He was finally hungry. He managed to discern that it would be another hour yet before food was served, so he continued last night’s wanderings, the course of which told him that the ship had docked some time in the night. A little ways up the beach there was a quaint resort with lights and torches set up to one side. The luau, he remembered. They would be spending the night on the island and then setting off for home the next morning. At least he didn’t have to spend the day cooped up and avoiding Deb. When Colin finally had the chance to eat, he found that he was absolutely famished. He’d forgone dinner, he remembered and now his stomach was not happy. It wasn’t until he was finishing that Deb showed up. She waltzed into the room, swaggered really, exuding an air of complete confidence. Colin knew that it was just her way of dealing with rejection and the resulting insecurity. He almost felt sorry for her. He might have said something to her, but she was proceeded by both Ryan and Pat. Pat was putting on a cheerful face, calling out to Deb in pleasant conversation, but Ryan just looked sullen. He entered the room and immediately looked around. Hiding in a corner, Colin hoped he’d go unnoticed, but as though he were telepathic, Ryan immediately searched him out. Ryan made a hesitant step toward him, but paused to look back to Pat and Deb. Colin took the opportunity to hurry off, escaping through a side door. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see Ryan, to talk to him, but he knew that a cross examination would follow any pleasantries, and Colin still had no idea what to say. What was worse was it would all go on as Ryan stared at him, eyes full of pity. And that he really didn’t need. Now that he knew Deb was out, Colin finally went back to his room to shower and change. Confrontations were bound to happen, and he fully planned on looking the part of happy and self assured. Unfortunately, he was only just out of the shower when there came a knock on the door. It was too soon. Colin stayed quiet, not moving, staring at the handle as if it would unlock of its own accord. “Come on, Colin, I know you’re in there.” Colin should have tensed at the sound of his friend’s voice, but he felt himself relaxing. That deep timbre had a way of resonating straight through him, like a virtual massage. His feet seemed to have a mind of their own as they took him to the threshold. His hand betrayed him by undoing the lock and pulling open the door. Ryan smiled at him. His hands were in his pockets in a forced show of casualness. And there it was: that God damned pity. But Colin had less than a second to consider it because suddenly Ryan was through the door and scooping him into a tight hug. He was holding Colin to his body as though he hadn’t seen him in years and hardly believed he was real, but Colin didn’t mind. Like everything about Ryan this just calmed him further. He brought his arms up to return the hug and laid his cheek against Ryan’s neck, breathing in his scent. They stayed that way for minutes on end, neither speaking. Colin couldn’t say quite what Ryan was trying to achieve, but it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered but the feel of the man in his arms. Eventually Ryan pulled back to smile at Colin, and now it was just a smile, not a question and thankfully lacking even a hint of pity. Ryan took it upon himself to close the door behind them and steer Colin to sit on the edge of the bed. With a start Colin remembered that he still wore nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, but that didn’t seem to bother Ryan, so he wouldn’t let it bother him either. When Colin was seated, Ryan stooped to kneel at his feet. It reminded Colin of years ago, the way he would do much the same when talking to Luke, trying to get on his level so as to appear less threatening. “Tell me what happened,” Ryan said. Colin shrugged. With Ryan looking up at him so earnestly, the words he had feared to speak came naturally. “I asked her for a divorce.” Ryan frowned but nodded, milling it over, rolling it around in his mind to look at it from all angles. “I thought you were going to try and work it out.” “I changed my mind.” “Why?” That was the hard question. Colin broke eye contact to look down at his hands. They were folded in his lap, the fingers of his right hand unconsciously twirling his wedding band. “I don’t want to be married to her anymore,” he said very quietly. “Just like that?” Colin shrugged again. “It’s not as sudden as it looks. But now...” With you by my side. “... I finally decided to do something about it.” Ryan sighed. Colin dared to meet his eyes again and found him staring back intently. His pupils were skipping back and forth as he searched Colin’s eyes. Ryan opened his mouth and sucked in a quick breath, but he closed it again almost immediately, thinking better of it. With another sigh that betrayed thoughts unspoken, Ryan lifted himself to his feet and then moved to sit next to Colin. He sat close enough that their shoulders bumped, keeping up the ritual of touching without even being aware of it. “She’s miserable, you know,” Ryan said. He wasn’t looking at Colin now but at the partially open closet and the rainbow of dresses within. “She dragged Pat off to tell her about it last night. Pat didn’t tell me everything, but she did say that Deb is sorry. She wants to stay with you.” Colin stared at his hands, frowning. “It doesn’t matter. This is what I want.” “And what about Luke?” Ryan asked, coaxing Colin to meet his gaze once more. “Luke has nothing to do with this,” Colin replied calmly. Ryan frowned. “You’ll be leaving him without a father. How can you do that?” “It’s happens every day,” Colin said. “Besides, I think he’s old enough to understand.” “Yeah,” Ryan growled, “old enough to understand that his father’s abandoning him ” Colin just stared at Ryan for a moment, wondering why he was getting so worked up, why this decision to leave Deb was bothering him so. “I’m not abandoning him,” Colin said, a slight edge to his voice as he registered the accusation, “though you’re right and he probably will see it that way, but in time he’ll also see that this was for the best. If I stay with Deb then I won’t be happy. If I stay because of him I might end up resenting him for it. I’m not going to let that happen.” “But don’t you love her?” Colin frowned. He looked down at his wedding ring again. “I think I’ll always love her, but it’s not enough anymore. I’m not in love with her.” “But that’s part of marriage,” Ryan reasoned. “You can’t stay in love forever.” “That’s true...” Colin nodded, “but when the passion fades, you need to be friends or you have nothing left.” The gold band glinted softly in the afternoon sun. “Deb and I were never really friends.” “But...” Ryan sounded desperate, floundering for arguments. “You married her. That’s supposed to be forever. And then there’s kids, and... and it shouldn’t matter if you’re in love with someone else.” Colin looked up at him, startled. Ryan was still watching him, his breathing quick, shallow pants. He seemed agitated, hand clenching and unclenching in the covers, knee bouncing nervously. “Ryan, I never said–“ but Colin cut himself off, replaying the conversation in his mind with a sudden burst of clarity. “Are we still talking about me?” Ryan blinked at him, the consternation melting off his face. “Of course. Who else would we be talking about?” Colin narrowed his eyes. “How is your marriage?” “My marriage is fine,” and now Ryan sounded like he was getting angry again. “Don’t change the subject.” Colin sighed and shook his head. He looked down to his hands one last time. He was still toying with his ring, and with a sudden vindictiveness, he yanked it off, staring at the gold band for a moment before reaching out to place it on the bedside table. He didn’t know what he thought Ryan might have been saying or why the easy dismissal had him so disheartened. “I’m divorcing Deb,” Colin said with a stark air of finality. As far as he was concerned this discussion was over. He stood before Ryan could say another word and crossed to the closet, pulling it open to search through his suitcase. “I’m going to get dressed and then I’m going to go have fun. Are you coming?” Ryan remained silent as Colin dressed. When he was decent and seated on the floor to pull on sneakers and socks, Colin looked to his friend. Ryan still hadn’t said answered him. He was staring down at his own hands, caught up in thought. “Ryan?” Ryan’s breath caught and he blinked up at Colin. “Are you with me?” It was another few seconds before Ryan spoke. He smiled ever so slightly and nodded. “Yeah. Let’s go.” They ended up leaving the yacht to see what entertainment the island had to offer, which, aside from the luau that evening, wasn’t much. There was, however, a small bar with a couple of pool tables. They picked out a table and played for hours. It wasn’t a bad way to while away the time, and it kept Colin’s mind off the inevitable confrontation with his wife. The clack of pool balls and easy banter had him feeling more than relaxed. They even accepted a challenge to play against a couple of guys – not for money, but just for fun. And it was fun, even though he and Ryan lost horribly. The other two fellows even bought them a couple beers to make up for it, and they all chatted amiably. Colin was feeling incredibly refreshed by the time they set out from the bar. There was just one thing bothering him. Throughout the entire game and into the conversation, Ryan kept checking his watch. He did it again as they stepped into the sunlight. “Have a prior engagement?” It was a joke, but Colin doubted he could hide the irritation in his voice. Ryan frowned at him, confused, but soon realization dawned on his face and he looked away, cheeks coloring. Even with his eyes downcast, he continued to walk, trusting Colin to guide him. “I made the mistake of telling Pat and Deb I was going to talk to you. They wanted me to... report back to them, I guess. They’re probably wondering what happened to me....” Something about that struck a chord in Colin. A very negative one. “Taking orders from your wife?” Ryan glared at him. “I’m with you, aren’t I?” For some reason that only made Colin feel worse. “But you’d rather be with her.” He regretted the words the instant they left his lips, but anger, irrational though it may have been, kept him from apologizing. Two minutes ago he’d been happy, content, but just the mention of Ryan’s wife brought that all crashing down. Ryan snorted. “That’s ridiculous.” Colin shrugged. He’d picked up his pace so that he was walking a few feet ahead of Ryan, and he refused to look back. He could feel Ryan’s eyes on him. “She is your wife. It makes sense.” “Don’t do this.” “Do what?” “I’m here for you. For us,” Ryan said. His fingertips brushed the back of Colin’s shirt, and Colin walked faster, drawing away. Ryan wasn’t about to be shut out, though. He practically ran to catch up to Colin, his sneakers swishing in the sand. He looped one arm around Colin’s shoulders in a sort of backwards hug, holding him until Colin gave up and stopped walking. “You need me now, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be.” Ryan gave him a slight squeeze, resting his forehead on the back of Colin’s head, his breath washing warm over Colin’s neck. But it hurt. More than anything Ryan had yet to say or do, the absolutely honesty in his words now, the truth of his stance was downright painful, because as much as he meant it, there were limitations. The moment they got back to the states, none of it would matter. Ryan would traipse home with his wife, leaving Colin to deal with the ramifications of his divorce – alone. “What I need,” Colin replied, very quietly, “is to be by myself right now.” “I’m not leaving you alone to sulk.” Colin turned then. Ryan’s hold on him had loosened enough for him to break away. He looked into Ryan’s eyes, suddenly hating the concern he saw within them, a small, sad smile curving his mouth. “I’m not giving you a choice.” This time when he walked away, Ryan didn’t follow. For lack of anything better to do, Colin went back to his room. It didn’t occur to him until he was opening the door that Deb might be inside, but the room was blessedly empty. With the sun high in the sky, it left the room mostly in shadows and relatively cool and comfortable. Colin tried to sleep, but thoughts and questions kept him awake. He tried to read but couldn’t concentrate. Images overlaid the words. Finally, Colin rolled onto his back, accepting the fact that he’d find no peace until he worked through his thoughts. He was starting to regret the way he’d spoken to Ryan. He was jealous of Pat, had been since the day they’d been introduced and had accepted it years ago, but never before had it affected his friendship with Ryan. Perhaps it was doing so now because Colin found himself free, and for some odd reason he expected Ryan to be as well. But he wasn’t. Their lives had always run parallel before. It was strange to think that Ryan was still happily married while Colin was so enthused with the knowledge that he’d soon be a bachelor. Ryan. Colin rolled onto his stomach, contemplating a knot in the headboard. Could there be more to this jealousy than he was letting himself in on? It was easy enough to explain it away as someone else taking up time he’d like to be spending with his best friend. After all, that’d been his reasoning for the past twenty-odd years, and he’d never before doubted its validity. He wasn’t doubting it now, but he had to wonder if there was more to it. Ryan had kissed him yesterday. Twice. The second time had been so fleeting, so natural that it had barely registered, but the first time by the pool... Ryan had kissed him before, of course, so many times that he’d lost count, but they had all been stage kisses, written off as jokes and quickly forgotten. Well, forgotten wasn’t quite the right way to put it. Rather they’d been pushed from his mind, forcibly shoved into the background along with his willingness to deal with them. But yesterday’s kiss, that had been different. It had been real. And for the first time in his life, Colin had let himself get lost in the sensation of Ryan’s lips on his. He’d liked it. He’d loved it. Colin had never questioned his sexuality, but there was something about Ryan that drew him. Perhaps it was finally time to face up to the fact that his feelings went beyond platonic. Or maybe not. Ryan was, he told himself once again, happily married. The thought left a bitter taste in the back of his mouth, stung like bile. And there was his old friend jealousy, lodged in his esophagus, thick and gummy. He tried to swallow it, but it refused to budge, just sat, a lump in his throat, disturbing his breathing. Suddenly someone was opening the door, and Colin forced himself to relax, close his eyes, thankful that he was already facing away, head turned toward the window, pillowed on his forearms. It was Deb of course, and it sounded as though Pat were with her. Conversation came to an abrupt halt the moment they spotted him. A moment later it resumed, far quieter. Good. They assumed he was asleep. Colin knew he’d have to talk to Deb eventually, but he had nothing to say save a reiteration of last night’s decision. She wouldn’t give up that easily, however, and a fight would inevitably ensue. He sure as Hell wasn’t up for it at the moment. Fortunately, they merely rummaged through Deb’s things for a few minutes and soon after left. Just the thought of a confrontation had Colin’s heart racing. Scenarios began to play out in his already overtaxed brain. Colin wanted to scream. He was so God damned sick of thinking. Was it too much to ask to just forget it all for one fucking second? It was overwhelming. He was stuck on a bloody boat for three and a half more days with his soon to be ex-wife, another woman he hated, and a twenty five year friendship crumbling around him. If only he’d refused to go in the first place. Colin had been staring out the porthole, watching small grey strips of cloud hurry past. They were swaying and shifting, blurring into unrecognizable blobs, and he suddenly realized what the stinging behind his eyes was, but he wouldn’t cry. He was miserable and exhausted, but crying would not help. Instead he slammed his eyes shut and tried not to think about how there was a good chance that things were only going to get worse. His dream flashed through his mind, his fantasy of rebuilding his life on the west coast with Ryan, but it was cracked and fraying around the edges. Only yesterday it had been an anchor, something to cling to, to get him through this, but now it left him feeling hollow and wanting. Eventually, and despite the thoughts still warring in his mind, sleep overtook him. He awoke hours later. The sun had set while he slept and now only the glow of the moon illuminated the room in golden blue hues. Colin sat up. There was a dull ache at his temples, leaving him wanting to just curl back under the covers, but as he stood a new sound assaulted his ears, wafting through the open window on a sultry breeze: music and distant chatter. The luau. It was in full swing if what he heard was any indication, but no one had come to wake him. Not even Ryan. The message was clear; he wasn’t wanted. Still, the allure of food and the desperate need to get up and do something with the energy regained by his nap had him fishing out his wife’s bottle of Excedrin and downing three pills before searching for something decent to wear. If his friends didn’t want him around that was fine. He’d find his own fun. He slipped on khakis and a short sleeved button down and started out. He could see the orange blaze of a fire in the distance as he left the ship. Dark shapes moved around it, black and backlit so that they glowed red around the edges. As he moved closer, the scent of roasted pork washed over him. Burning flesh, his mind translated, and he couldn’t help but see the scene before him as a vision of Hell. Up close the image wasn’t much better. Strewn among the casually dressed attendees were half naked men and women, exaggerated natives painted in reds and golds, dancing, luring the people toward sin. To his right was a fire eater surrounded by a gawking group of pale, pasty tourists. Colin stopped to watch himself. The fire eater paused and looked over the heads of the crowd to meet Colin’s eyes. He smiled, white teeth flashing in the firelight. It was unsettling and had Colin wanting to run away, but he was transfixed. As he watched, the man threw his head back, lifted a thin rod high over his head, the end drenched in flame, and took it deep in his throat. Colin finally found the will to break away. He practically ran, searching out and honing in on the bar on the far side of the party. The need for a stiff drink was nearly painful. People were talking and laughing all around. Just to his left a middle aged man was drunkenly flirting with a waitress. She went along with it with a practiced ease, her need for tips far outweighing her dignity. Colin turned on his stool to look out over the dance floor. He watched the party goers with a strong sense of detachment as he quickly gulped down his glass of scotch. It warmed him, but gave him no desire to join in on the fun. Maybe coming here was a bad idea. The feeling only grew worse when he finally spotted Ryan. He was dancing with Pat, unskilled, but beautiful all the same. He had both arms wrapped around her tiny waist. He was smiling at her, caught up in the moment. He bent down to whisper in her ear and she pulled back, laughing and slapping him lightly on the chest. God, how he hated her. And then there was Deb, skipping across the dance floor on slim heels. How she’d managed to walk through the sand in them was a wonder in itself. She stopped a few feet from the laughing couple, flushed and breathless, motioning behind her as she spoke quickly, laughing between words. They all looked so happy. Colin’s eyes skipped to each in turn, feeling a slow twist in the pit of his stomach that made him ill. He really wasn’t needed, wasn’t wanted. He’d thought it before, but actually seeing it, knowing it to be true left him wanting to vomit. All that stuff that Ryan had said before, wanting to be there for him, it was all a lie. He needed Colin like he needed a hole in the head. The sick feeling was fading, only to be replaced by anger and a deep sense of betrayal. Colin couldn’t take it anymore. He had to get out of there. Of course that was the moment Ryan looked up and saw him. He was still smiling in a way that was heartbreakingly beautiful. Colin couldn’t deal with this. Not now. Not here. He was up and off the bar stool in a fraction of a second, hurrying off to the yacht, black and looming, quiet and safe. He burst free from the crowd and onto the deserted beach again. There was still a constriction around his heart and lungs, iron bands wrapped tightly around his chest, but away from the people it lessened ever so slightly. The ship took up his entire being. If he could only get to it, he’d be able to cope. Suddenly a hand dropped into his shoulder and held on tightly, fingers gripping the cotton of his shirt and skin beneath tight enough to leave bruises. Colin knew who it was immediately. If the hand itself wasn’t so familiar, he would have recognized Ryan by the sound of his breathing or the immediate sense of calm that stole over him at the contact. No He was supposed to be angry, hurt, but when Ryan circled around him to look into his eyes, Colin could do nothing but stare up at him and cling to the desperate hope that he had been wrong. Ryan was going to tell him it had all been a mistake. He was going to ask, no, beg that they run off together, make a home on the island in the surrounding jungle and forget about their wives and obligations. But Ryan said none of that. He watched Colin, pupils flicking back and forth in the darkness. They stayed like that for a full minute. Colin could see thousands of unasked questions in his friend’s eyes, but when Ryan finally spoke, it was only to say, “Come on.” His hand fell from Colin’s shoulder, fingers trailing to the hem of his sleeve and down over bare skin to hold his hand in a gentle but firm grip. He turned and led Colin away from the ship, away from the party and down the darkened beach. They must have walked for nearly fifteen minutes without speaking. Colin had followed Ryan without a word, without question. He looked over his shoulder to see the yacht, a toy boat tied to a dock of twigs. The fires of the luau were a distant memory. Ryan finally stopped and let his hand slip from Colin’s. He looked around and then out over the ocean and put both hands at the hem of his shirt. “Get undressed,” he practically demanded, accentuating the request by lifting his own shirt over his head and tossing it into the sand. When Colin didn’t move, Ryan sighed and approached him. “We’re going swimming,” he told Colin in an oddly gentle voice, and proceeded to undo the top few buttons of his shirt. “I don’t have my shorts.” Colin still didn’t lift a hand to help him. He rather liked Ryan undressing him. Ryan’s fingers brushed the hair on his chest, and he suppressed a shiver. Ryan dutifully continued, not seeming to mind Colin’s reluctance. “That’s fine,” he replied, voice still low and soft. “We’re going skinny dipping.” That was a little too much. Colin took a step back, stumbling slightly in the uncertain sand. “What? Now? Here?” Ryan shrugged. Now that Colin had pulled away, he went back to work on his own clothes. “There’s no one around.” “But what if someone comes?” Despite his protests, Colin found he was soon slipping his button down over his shoulders. It landed at his feet with a soft whoosh. “Then we’ll get in trouble,” came Ryan’s simple, blunt response. Soon they were both undressed, their clothes lying in small haphazard piles in the sand. Colin found himself contemplating the granules between his toes as Ryan headed toward the water. Somehow it was embarrassing, being completely exposed in front of his best friend, but that was ridiculous. They’d seen each other in the nude dozens of times before; it was just something that happened knowing someone as long as they’d known each other. That morning, in fact, he’d been completely nonchalant about Ryan being there as he’d gotten dressed, but now... something was different. Maybe it was the setting that seemed so intimate, so inappropriate, the moonlight glinting off Ryan’s hair and shoulders as he stood calf deep in the waves. Colin had the sudden urge to cover himself, but he kept his hands resolutely at his sides. There was nothing romantic about the situation, he told himself; it was something kids did all the time, and there was no need to overanalyze it. Still, as Ryan turned to watch him over his shoulder, Colin had to fight to keep his eyes on his friend’s face. He’d always admired Ryan’s body. Oh, maybe he was too tall and too thin and had that big nose, but something about him was undeniably beautiful. There was a grace and a strength in the way he stood there, unabashedly naked, letting the water roll around him, like a lone heron in the center of a lake, perfectly at ease as he waits for his prey to come to him. Colin went to Ryan now, feeling very much the koi going to its ultimate demise, but unable to stop the natural course of things all the same. The water was downright freezing, and it took a lot of courage for Colin to get out even as far as Ryan, and once he’d gotten out that far Ryan just went deeper, and Colin had no choice but to follow. He was chilled to the core, but as he went further and further into the ocean, Colin felt himself growing lighter, freer. Ryan was laughing, dunking his head in the water and bursting out to fling droplets everywhere. They splashed down like rain, falling on Colin’s face and chest. He smiled through the spray at Ryan, laughed when he saw the joyous look on his friend’s face. Distantly he remembered he was supposed to be mad at Ryan, but for the life of him he couldn’t remember why. It seemed absurd to feel anything at the moment but happiness and pure, untainted love. So they swam. They didn’t go out very far. To be alone in the ocean was a dangerous thing, and they kept close to the shore, only once or twice darting out to where the water would be over their heads. Colin didn’t know how long they swam; he wouldn’t have been able to say if another person passed them by; he was far too caught up in the play. Eventually, though, he grew tired. Muscles ached from going far too long unused, and he began to make his way back on shore for a rest. “Where are you going?” Ryan called to him. It was the first actual words spoken since they’d entered the water. Colin stopped and turned, the water just brushing the tops of his feet, to see Ryan pushing through the waves toward him. “I’m tired,” Colin told him. Ryan didn’t stop. “Don’t leave yet,” he nearly begged. Just then the waves rushed in, up toward the sand, and left Ryan fighting far less resistance than he’d expected. It carried him along, throwing him off balance, and he slipped in the loose sand. Colin didn’t have time to react. Ryan stumbled and fell forward. His chin caught Colin just below his breastbone; Ryan flailed and clutched at his forearms, searching for something, anything to steady himself. His weight and momentum sent them both tumbling backward. Colin fell back into the damp, matted sand under the weight of a virtual Ryan blanket. He actually heard the air leave his lungs and lay still in the sand, desperately trying to catch his breath. Ryan was doing the same, chuckling softly and wheezing out an apology between long pants. When Colin had finally had enough time to regain his wits, Ryan still hadn’t moved. He lay over Colin, their bodies slightly offset, his cheek resting at the juncture where Colin’s arm met his torso. He was heavy, but not unpleasantly so, warm, wet and alive. With Ryan’s every inhale there came a slight bearing down on Colin’s chest, but he did nothing to attempt to remove him. It was nice. The night air was beginning to kiss each hint of moisture on his skin, leaving him awash in a thin, cool sheet. The sand beneath and the water still flowing around his calves and ankles didn’t help, but everywhere Ryan touched was hot, almost unbearable. The contrast left Colin feeling oddly comfortable. More than comfortable. It felt absolutely wonderful. Ryan lifted his head a fraction of an inch until he could meet Colin’s eyes. Colin was reminded of their first night on the cruise, the way his friend smelled of wine and filet mignon, and that brief, insane urge to kiss him. Now the only scent was the salty sea air, the subtle mixture of seaweed and decaying ocean life, but it still left him intoxicated, and that crazy urge was stronger than ever. Ryan blinked. The moon shone on his damp eyelashes; his eyes seemed to glow as they widened minutely. He sucked in a breath and held it, watching Colin while staying perfectly still. “You’re hard.” The words took a few seconds to register, and then another moment passed as Colin realized they were absolutely true. He could feel himself stiff against Ryan’s hip. With the realization came a rippling sensation, warm lightning shooting through his body in a combination of arousal and embarrassment. All the blood that hadn’t rushed to his groin seemed to pool in his cheeks, leaving him flushed, eyes averted to stare sightlessly at the to and fro of the waves. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. He made a feeble attempt to extract himself, but Ryan had yet to move, and his weight kept Colin in place. “Why?” And still Ryan wasn’t moving. Colin could feel his chin propped up on his chest and the movement of his jaw as it formed that one word. “I didn’t mean... it was an accident. I can go...” The words stumbled from his lips quickly and quietly. He knew Ryan must be incredibly uncomfortable. After all, he was. And now Ryan finally lifted himself up on his forearms, settling into the soft sand so that he was looking down into Colin’s face. His hips had barely moved, just sliding a bit to rub teasingly against Colin’s erection. He didn’t speak for a minute, just stared. Colin could feel Ryan’s eyes on him even though he kept his own averted. “Look at me.” It was a demand, and Colin could never refuse him. He gulped in a deep breath, eyes sliding shut before he turned his head and reopened them to see Ryan’s beautiful green irises inches from his own. They were dark and serious, and the sight of them took Colin’s breath away. “I should be the one apologizing,” Ryan said. Colin heard the words as though from a distance, still too focused on Ryan’s eyes and his body, all hot angles and planes against his own. “I know how you feel about me, and I asked you to do this anyway.” Whether he was referring to the skinny dipping or the cruise in general, Colin didn’t know, but that wasn’t important now. What was important was, “How do I feel about you?” A small, sad smile tipped the corners of Ryan’s mouth. “You’re in love with me.” Colin blinked, startled. “No, I’m not.” Ryan laughed now, weak but amused and shook his head. “You’re kidding.” But when Colin didn’t respond, only continued to stare in a mix of horror and confusion, the smile dropped from Ryan’s face. “You didn’t know?” He didn’t. He hadn’t, and it seemed incredibly absurd for Ryan to be informing him of his own feelings. Perhaps there had been a time when he’d questioned his them, but he’d always managed to ignore it or write it off as something else entirely. He’d still be doing so now if Ryan didn’t sound so absolutely sure of himself. “I’m not in love with you,” Colin said again, and while it had been the truth mere seconds before, now it was the most obvious lie he had ever told. But Ryan acted as though he hadn’t spoken at all. His eyes were locked on Colin’s lips, and he opened his mouth, whispering a diatribe in rushed, muted tones, almost to himself. “I don’t know what you want from me,” was how it began. “I’m not asking you for anything.” Ryan continued, oblivious to Colin’s protests. “I’m married. I love my wife. I love my children. I can’t give you what you want.” “Ryan,” Colin whispered fiercely, “I just want to be your friend.” “I see the way you look at me, and I’m sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I... I don’t feel the same.” “Ryan,” Colin said again, louder and harsher now, ignoring the lump in his throat formed by Ryan’s words. “It’s okay. I like what we have.” “But it’s never going to be enough.” Ryan was still looking at his lips, but at least he seemed to be acknowledging his speech now. “You’re always going to want more, and I can never give that to you... I’m married.” Colin smiled gently. “You said that.” “But you don’t understand. I mean it. This can’t happen. We can never be more than friends. I’m married, and you’re married... but now you’re going to be single, and it doesn’t change anything.” He paused, swallowed. “It doesn’t change anything.” Colin could only stare. There was something going on in Ryan’s head that he wasn’t privy to. Something was nudging at the back of Colin’s mind, as if he should know exactly what was going on but couldn’t quite figure it out. Finally he went out on a limb and asked, “Who are you trying to convince?” Ryan didn’t answer. He just moved his gaze to look into Colin’s eyes and asked, “Can I kiss you?” “What?” “Can I kiss you?” Ryan repeated. He was still staring at Colin, fierce and oblique. Colin wasn’t sure what to make of it. Was this some sort of game? “You never asked permission before.” Ryan gave the tiniest nod of acknowledgment. “I never wanted you to say no before.” And still Colin had no idea what was going on in his friend’s head. He tried desperately to piece it together, but there were large gaping holes in the picture. Ryan had lifted one hand to brush the hair at Colin’s temple. Colin fought to keep from leaning into the touch. “Are you afraid that if I say yes, then I won’t be able to remain just friends?” It was the only thing that made even the vaguest resemblance of sense, though why Ryan was even asking still didn’t. “No,” Ryan answered. He had leaned down while Colin spoke so that his breath washed over Colin’s lips. His eyes were half lidded and unreadable. “I’m afraid I won’t.” Colin had no answer for that, but it didn’t matter because then Ryan was kissing him, long and hard, lips parted, tongue in Colin’s mouth, skirting over his teeth and entwining with his own. And Colin was kissing him back on pure instinct, hand lifting to thread through Ryan’s hair, luxuriating in the feel of the soft, resilient curls between his fingers. But reality was still a huge, looming thing, overshadowed as it was by the feel of Ryan against him, the taste of his lips, soft and salty with ocean water. Ryan’s own growing arousal pressing against him... With a gasp, Colin pulled away. Ryan’s eyes were closed, and a small, contented smile brightened his face. “You taste so good,” he whispered. “Ryan?” Colin asked, small and weak. But Ryan was sliding against him, rubbing their bellies and erections together and it was hard to think, hard to breath. “Just tonight,” Ryan said, eyes still closed, tongue darting out to lick his lips. “I’ve wanted this for so long... just give me tonight...” “But... but...” There was a reason they couldn’t. Colin searched the jumbled mass that was his thoughts, looking for an answer that kept jumping out of reach with each movement Ryan made. “But... Pat...” That wiped the smile clean off Ryan’s face. He opened his eyes slowly, blinking languidly at Colin. “Shit.” His eyes closed again, and he lowered himself, arms stretching out and winding beneath Colin’s head to hold him close. He lay his forehead in the sand and buried his nose in the side of Colin’s neck, breathing deeply. “I’m so sick of this,” he whispered. “I miss you so much when you’re gone, and it keeps getting worse.” He was speaking quietly, whispered and rushed as though thoughts spoken aloud. “I just... I want this... I know you do, too. Why can’t we? Just once. Just tonight. It’s our anniversary...” It was nearly Colin’s undoing. Colin wound his arms around Ryan’s back, loving the warm, tight skin, the feel of his shoulder blades and the ridge of his spine beneath his fingers, but there were still too many questions yet to be answered before he could let himself get lost in feeling. “You said you didn’t feel the same.” Colin was staring at the moon, half hidden by long black clouds, and it was easier to think. “I didn’t have a choice,” Ryan replied simply. “I still don’t...” He paused, just breathing, and then continued, “... but it’s getting too big for me now. And you’re leaving Deb and all I can think is what this means for us. It’s selfish, I know, but it’s true.” “But it doesn’t change anything,” Colin said, echoing Ryan’s earlier words, finally feeling the full weight and truth of them. Ryan lifted himself back up on his elbows to look into Colin’s eyes. His own seemed to shine unnaturally as though reflective with unshed tears. “You don’t know how much I wish it did.” Colin know. Of course he knew, but he couldn’t say that. He ran one hand up along Ryan’s back to cradle his neck, pulling him down for another kiss. This one was softer, slower, each man trying desperately to convey twenty years of pent of love and passion that could never come to fruition. They stayed that way for some time, leisurely exploring each other as though they had all the time in the world. Eventually Ryan pulled back, chuckling softly. “Okay,” he breathed. “We really have to stop now or I’m not going to be able to.” With Ryan’s words Colin realized how incredibly turned on he still was and nodded, swallowing thickly as Ryan rolled off him to lie in the sand on his back. They both needed to cool off. They were only apart for maybe a minute when Ryan reached over and took Colin’s hand in his. He raised it up to toy with his fingers. Colin watched him out of the corner of his eye. “I should have known this would happen,” Ryan remarked after another moment of silence, still smiling gently, face upturned toward their entwined hands, the pale light of the moon coloring his skin. “Eventually I would give in, or you would, and everything would go to Hell.” “But we’re not giving in,” Colin asserted. “It all has to go back to normal in the morning.” Ryan sighed deeply. Colin saw him shut his eyes tightly , his grip strengthening around Colin’s fingers. “Yes. It does.” He looked so horribly miserable that Colin prayed he could do or say something to make it better, but faced with reality, no words came. “Let’s run off together. We can live in the jungle and eat bananas.” “Ryan...” Despite the gravity of the situation, Colin found himself smiling. Ryan was echoing his thoughts from earlier, reading his mind as usual. “Well...” Ryan finally let go of Colin’s hand to turn and face him, head propped up on one hand, elbow sinking into the sand. Colin looked to him and was startled to remember that they were both completely naked. “Let’s stay here tonight. Just you and me. We’ll sleep on the beach.” And, oh, it was tempting, but Colin shook his head. “Ryan,” he said again with far more admonishment. “Just sleeping,” Ryan insisted. “Nothing... no... no sex.” His voice caught on the last word, and at the sound of it, Colin’s heart tripped a beat. Neither had yet to say as much, but that’s what their confessions came down to: crossing the line from friends to lovers. Even when Ryan had been lying atop him, Colin hadn’t considered that it would lead to actual sex. The idea was just so foreign... and incredibly intriguing. “Okay.” He hadn’t realized he’d spoken until Ryan was up and moving, retrieving their clothes from further up the beach. They dressed in silence and then picked out a spot well away from the waves to lie down, Ryan first, opening his arms to invite Colin to lie with him. Which Colin did, not daring to think of the consequences. And there were no more words, just the rush of the waves and the steady beat of Ryan’s heart beneath his cheek as Colin drifted to sleep. Day 5 The first thing Colin became aware of was a breeze that tasted like salt skimming over his skin, raising goose bumps in its wake. Where the Hell was that damned blanket? He opened his eyes slowly. The pink light of dawn colored the sky over the ocean. The thin grey clouds of the previous evening had filled out and multiplied. They hung low in the sky, darkening toward the horizon. Rain was imminent. But all of this was merely a backdrop to more pressing issues, like the man lying beneath him. Colin lifted his head to look down into Ryan’s face. Ryan lay back in the sand, breathing peacefully, still sleeping. He looked so natural lying there on the beach, as though this was where he made his bed every night. Colin supposed it had a lot to do with the improv, acclimating to different surroundings at a moment’s notice. It didn’t matter that they weren’t on stage; it was in his blood. Even though he was still in Ryan’s arms, Colin found last night seemed more a wonderful dream. Had Ryan really told Colin he was in love with him? Perhaps not in so many words, but yes, he had. And he’d said much, much more, that he’d been in love with him for years, and that he’d gone so far as to factor actual sex into his fantasies. Colin thought that hearing Ryan say as much would put him in a near catatonic state of shock. After all, he’d really only admitted to the extent of his own feelings last night, but on the contrary he felt quite comfortable with the realization. It was the natural progression of things. They’d both been living with this secret for years. Finally speaking it aloud and consequently acting on it was just one more step in a lifetime of love and friendship, years of teetering on the edge of a platonic sort of “in love” where the idea of sex was a constant blip in the back of their minds, always pushed away and forgotten, however, in lieu of keeping the best friend either would ever have. What was unnatural was the imminent regression, the step back toward “just friends” that had to happen. Colin wanted nothing more that to awaken Ryan with a slow, lingering kiss, but they’d decided that last night would have to be a one time deal. Even if Colin would soon be free, Ryan was married, and the idea of becoming lovers would have to remain just that: an idea, a dream locked away for all time. So Colin didn’t let himself kiss Ryan, but he couldn’t help trailing his hand along the other man’s jaw, delighting in the feel of stubble beneath his palm. His fingers detoured of their own accord to trace Ryan’s lips with feather light touches. Ryan’s eyelids fluttered open at the contact, and Colin pulled his hand back, otherwise staying put with his head pillowed on Ryan’s chest. He watched as Ryan blinked slowly up at the sky, taking his time to remember exactly where he was and who he was with. When he did remember, he smiled and tilted his head down to meet Colin’s eyes. “Good morning.” Colin grinned back. “Morning.” They stared at each other for a moment, and then Ryan groaned, flopping his head back into the sand, still smiling. “I bet I’m absolutely covered in sand.” “Mm.” It was a soft sound of acknowledgment, gently hummed into Ryan’s shirt. They should have been getting up and getting back to the yacht, but Ryan was so warm, so nice beneath him. Still, they had to get back eventually, and truth be told, the sooner the better. The guests had the option to stay at the island’s hotel for the evening with the stipulation that they be back on the ship by noon to begin the return trip. Pat and Deb would have stayed in the hotel, so now was the perfect time to head back to their cabins to shower and change. Colin chuckled as something occurred to him. “I seem to be making a habit of sleeping in my clothes.” Ryan laughed along with him, unconsciously threading his fingers through the hair at the back of Colin’s head. “I think it’s cute. I like you all rumpled.” And even if Ryan’s words warmed Colin to the core and only made him love the man more, they also threatened to destroy the last of Colin’s willpower. He found his mind slipping to his shower and the prospect of Ryan joining him, and that was not good. Reluctantly, Colin pulled himself up and away from Ryan, scooting back on hands and knees and feeling immediately chilled at the loss of contact. “We should get back,” he whispered. But Ryan just stretched and closed his eyes. “Or we could stay here and do improv at the hotel for tourists.” “Ryan... come on...” Colin said, ignoring the fact that it sounded like wonderful idea. “I want to get a few hours sleep on a real bed.” Ryan opened his eyes, slowly turning to face Colin again. “Do you want to stay in my room?” The real question, what he wasn’t asking was, “Can we go back to sleeping together?” And that was an absolutely horrid idea, but it sounded so, so good. Still, Colin had to fight and find his fading rationale. “Pat will find us.” Ryan shrugged, incredibly amusing as he was still lying flat on his back. “They found us napping that first day and didn’t think anything of it.” “But they’ll think we spent the whole night together.” Ryan smiled. “We did,” he said, but as Colin continued to frown at him, the smile dropped and Ryan lifted himself to his feet. “Look, they probably think it already. You were upset, so I stayed with you because I’m your friend. That’s all.” He had a point. Not a great one, but in Colin’s mind it was all he needed. “I liked sleeping with you,” he said very quietly. He could feel the beginnings of blush touch his cheeks. Ryan laughed, but it wasn’t mocking or malicious. It was strung through with a muted, though unmistakably joyous tone. “Me too,” he whispered back, and then held a hand out to help Colin to his feet. Thankfully it really was too early for their wives to have yet returned. Colin went to his room to shower, shave and change and fifteen minutes later was standing in front of Ryan’s door, hand hovering just before the painted white wood uncertainly. In the short time they’d been apart, the rational part of Colin’s mind had kicked back into gear. Logic told him he should stay in his room and avoid Ryan until they were both thinking clearly, but yet here he was, his feet having taken him to Ryan anyway. He could still back out. Just then the door swung in and Colin found a smiling Ryan looking out at him. “Chickening out?” he asked. Colin smiled, his eyes dropping toward the floorboards. “Thinking about it,” he admitted. “Get in here,” Ryan chided, still smiling. Colin would have preferred to lie down and go directly to sleep, but it just wasn’t their way. They lay facing each other in Ryan’s bed, each wishing he had something to say beside the obvious, but after a few minutes, Colin realized that nothing else was going to come to mind and finally said, “So last night...” “What about it?” Good question. Colin stared down at the comforter beneath them, tracing the stitching with his eyes. “We’re just going to forget it ever happened, right?” “Is that what you want?” “Well... don’t you think we should?” “Should we?” Colin looked up at Ryan, frustrated at the lack of answers, but amused all the same, feeling not unlike they were playing a bad game of Questions Only. Ryan was looking back at him, however, with all traces of humor gone. He lifted a hand to trail his fingers down Colin’s arm. “I can’t forget,” Ryan said after a moment. “I don’t want to. You’re right, and we should...” He closed his eyes, swallowing, his throat working in a way that had Colin transfixed. “And none of it matters because nothing can ever happen, but I can’t forget.” “Good.” Colin said, his voice coming out low and oddly rough. He smiled and pulled Ryan to him, laying his cheek against the soft material covering Ryan’s chest. “Neither can I.” Colin half awoke to the sounds of soft conversation. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognized it as Ryan talking to Pat, but Ryan’s arms were still around him, and Colin couldn’t bring himself to care about anything else. He breathed in Ryan’s scent deeply and drifted back to sleep. The next time Colin woke, he was alone. He blinked the early afternoon sun out of his eyes and stretched languidly. The blanket beside him was still warm. There was the muffled sound of a toilet flushing, and then Ryan emerged from the bathroom. He smiled when he was saw Colin gazing at him sleepily and moved to sit next to him on the bed. “Ready to wake up?” Colin smiled drowsily up at him, and Ryan returned the grin. He reached out to caress Colin’s cheek. “Come on,” he urged gently. “We’re going to go swimming.” Colin frowned and stuck his tongue out. “You know I’m not going to swim.” “I know,” Ryan said, “but I want you to come with me anyway.” They both knew that Colin’s vague protest was perfunctory. Colin would go. He’d follow Ryan anywhere. Ryan collected his swim trunks, and together they adjourned to Colin’s room so he could do the same. As they were dressing, Colin asked, “So what did Pat have to say?” Ryan shrugged. “She wanted to know if you were okay. I said you were.” He paused, rubbing suntan lotion over his forearms. “We’re having dinner with them tonight.” Colin wasn’t surprised. “Is Deb still upset?” “I didn’t ask.” Ryan was quite another moment. He looked to Colin seriously. “Are you okay seeing her?” “I suppose,” Colin said after a moment. “The divorce was my decision after all.” Ryan still didn’t look convinced. “You’re sure? Because I could get of out of it if you want.” It did sound tempting, but Colin shook his head and smiled. “Really. I’m fine,” he said. He had to turn away as he added, “Besides, you should spend some time with your wife.” Ryan didn’t reply. As soon as they stepped outside, the jovial mood was back. The day was generally overcast, with the sun fighting to peek out through thick grey clouds, but it was warm, and the pool was still crowded. Colin picked out a deck chair and settled down to read while Ryan swam. Every so often he would find himself distracted, watching the other man, his long, lean body cutting through the water with ease. Ryan caught him watching now and again and smiled in return. They hadn’t really spoken about last night, not in any sort of detail, and even now it seemed little more than a stumbling fantasy. It had all been so surreal in the moonlight with Ryan’s half spoken confession. It didn’t seem real, and Colin knew that even that scant memory would fade with time. He dared to hope that he would be able to cling to bits and pieces of it when life went back to “normal,” once they were off the boat and away from each other again. He didn’t want to forget, but at the same time it seemed the most reasonable thing to do if he planned on keeping his sanity while spending his nights alone, and Ryan remained warm in his bed with Pat. Ryan... He was climbing out of the pool now looking far more beautiful than a man is meant to. Water trailed down his body and left small, foot shaped puddles in his wake as he made his way back to Colin. Ryan paused for half a second once he’d reached Colin’s chair, and then, very slowly, he leaned down and kissed him. It was like he was still dreaming. It seemed so natural that Colin simply tilted his head up to meet Ryan’s lips, returning the chaste kiss as though they’d always done this. Only when Ryan pulled back and then scooted Colin over to make room for himself on the chair did Colin have a mind to question it. “Why did you do that?” he asked, almost a whisper. “Those girls,” Ryan responded. He tilted his head slightly, and Colin looked past him to see the women they’d met pool side a few days earlier watching them. “They think we’re a couple, remember?” Colin couldn’t meet Ryan’s eyes. “I remember.” He swallowed. “Do you think it’s a good idea?” Ryan laughed and the sound reverberated through him, tickling Colin were they touched, cuddled so close on the small chair. “Kissing you is always a good idea.” “But...” And Colin knew he had an argument in there somewhere, something about wives and secrets and dreams, but Ryan was tilting his face toward him, fingers gentle on his chin. “Tell yourself it’s a game,” Ryan said, very quiet and very serious. His eyes were dark. Colin looked back at him. “I don’t want it to be a game.” Ryan smiled slightly. “Then do it because you love me.” And that was all the arguing Colin was prepared to do. He lifted both hand to cradle Ryan’s jaw, pulling him down for another kiss. This one was slow, intimate, with tongues entwining and Ryan’s arms going around his waist to draw him in close. It brought Colin immediately back to the beach, Ryan warm and pliant above him, holding him, his whispered words, ”You taste so good...” Colin let out a whimper, feeling immediately ashamed at the girlish sound, but also too far gone to care. They shouldn’t be doing this. It was so good, and if they kept up, he didn’t know how he’d go on without Ryan. “Wait. Stop.” It was a struggle to make himself pull away from those beautiful lips, and even harder to stay away when he met Ryan’s eyes and saw the love and desire they held. “Do we have to?” It was said with a slight upturn of the lips, a weak attempt at hiding the pleading tone trailing the question. Despite himself, Colin reached up to kiss Ryan again, a quick peck. “If we don’t stop now, I won’t be able to.” “I can live with that.” Oh, that was definitely what Colin wanted to hear, but he shook his head, closing his eyes, blocking out Ryan, blocking out temptation. “Someone will see.” Ryan laughed. “I think they already have.” Colin swallowed. “Pat will see.” “Maybe,” Ryan agreed, running his fingers along Colin’s collar. “We’ll just tell her the truth.” Suddenly a new voice broke in with, “And that would be?” Colin stilled. He could feel Ryan’s hand on his neck, not moving, tense against his skin. He opened his eyes slowly, but he didn’t dare look at the newcomer. He didn’t have to. He recognized the voice as clearly as one would a beloved friend or a loathed enemy. Instead he watched Ryan. Their eyes locked, and Colin could see his friend thinking fast. Ryan blinked, and in the half of a second that passed something changed. When Ryan smiled and turned to face his wife now he was acting, playing a role. Colin doubted Pat would see it, but he had seen Ryan switch into one character or another a thousand times over the past twenty five years. She hadn’t. “We’re messing with a couple of girls,” Ryan said, turning smoothly toward Pat, the half truth rolling off his tongue as though it were that simple. “We told them we were gay to keep them from flirting with us. It’s just for fun.” Pat wasn’t convinced. Colin had yet to look at her, but he didn’t need to. He got all the information he needed from every minute change in Ryan’s expression. “This is how rumors start,” Pat said. She wasn’t happy. Ryan chuckled, and he finally removed his hand from Colin’s collar. “Rumors don’t bother us. We don’t pay attention to them.” “But you don’t need to help them,” Pat said. She sounded pained now. Colin could hear the words she wasn’t saying: “They bother me.” “Honey...” Ryan said. He lifted himself from the chair, pulled away, leaving Colin cold and alone, to wrap Pat in a loose embrace. “Don’t be upset.” Colin really couldn’t look at them now. He sprang to his feet, eyes averted. “I’m going to go,” he said as he gathered up his book and few other possessions he’d thought to bring along. “You don’t have to,” Ryan argued. “I do.” Colin looked very, very briefly to Ryan, hoping the truth of those two words showed as clearly as he felt them. “You two should spend some time together,” he added, looking away once more, If either Ryan or Pat had a reply to that, Colin didn’t stick around to hear it. He fled. He had no idea where he would go, only that he couldn’t stand to be around them for one more second. Thoughtlessly, he passed by the two girls in his haste. Their words haunted him as he hurried away. “I knew they weren’t really a couple.” It finally started to rain as Colin wandered the decks. He had gone back to his room to drop off his things and then immediately left. Despite what he’d said to Ryan earlier, he wasn’t quite sure he was ready to face Deb. In his current state of mind he wasn’t sure how he’d react to her, and he still didn’t know how she was feeling toward him. Pat had said she was upset, but there was a good chance that sadness would have translated into anger by now, and Colin knew he was in no shape to win a fight. And remembering Pat wasn’t helping. Colin paused in his circuit of the ship to look out over the railing. It was nearly pouring, but he was already soaked to the bone, so standing in the rain would make little difference. Besides, he was suddenly too tired to continue. He’d always been jealous of Pat, even if he never let himself dwell on it before, but now... now it was almost overwhelming. He had never known what he was missing before, just disliked the fact that she had staked her claim on Ryan, kept them apart as it were. Now there was far more to it. Not only did she take up Ryan’s time, but she got his touches, his kisses. Had Colin not gotten a taste of the man it never would have been an issue, but he had, and he knew he’d not be satisfied with just the bit of Ryan allocated to him. He wanted all of him. And that was precisely what he shouldn’t be thinking. Ryan’s actions were saying otherwise, as was Colin’s heart, but they had decided that remaining solely friends was the best course of action. And it was. He knew it was, but that didn’t make it any easier. When Colin showed up for dinner, he was still wet, not quite dripping though his clothes shone with water. Not only that, but he was still wearing the t-shirt and jeans he’d donned after waking. There wasn’t a man in the dining room wearing anything less than khakis and a presentable shirt. As Colin sought out and then joined the table inhabited by Deb, Ryan, Pat and a few others, he felt he should have been ashamed of his appearance. Deb was, if the scowl she aimed his way was any indication, but he wasn’t. He couldn’t be, not when Ryan was smiling at him so beautifully. But no one said a single word as he claimed his usual seat between Deb and Pat. Almost everyone at the table was gawking at him with an expression along the scale of disparaging to downright horrified. Everyone but Ryan. Ryan, it seemed, was trying very hard to control his laughter. He wore a very tight smile, his eyes crinkled at the corners, and it was that look that gave Colin strength. “So,” Colin said when nearly a minute passed in absolute silence, “have we ordered yet?” “What the Hell happened to you?” Ryan finally burst out, his barely contained laughter seeping into the words. Colin shrugged innocently. “I went for a walk.” “A walk?” Ryan chuckled, shaking his head. And even though the women remained quiet, this seemed a cue for the men to begin talking. Conversation flew between them, jokes and stories, emboldened by Colin’s appearance. With each inappropriate tale, the women grew yet more sullen, but Colin finally felt like he belonged. He joined in the conversation, feeling not unlike he was playing a game of Greatest Hits, letting the words roll off his tongue, looking for laughs, earning smiles and giggles from Ryan and the others with surprising ease. Colin found himself recounting the story of the game of tag in the snow, to which Ryan replied with his own story of he and his brothers getting lost in the woods for two full days when they were teenagers. The other men had chimed in with their own embarrassing encounters, and soon they were all laughing like old friends. It wasn’t until the food arrived that the men finally quieted down, allowing the women to once again reclaim the conversation, but the damage had been done. Colin was no longer an island, dependant on Deb for a touch or an assurance. For the first time in a very, very long time, he felt his own man, independent and self sufficient, and he knew he could never go back. Almost. The sun still rose and set on Ryan’s smile. Without it, Colin feared he would be awash in darkness, but he would no longer cling to the artificial light his wife provided. He would rather stumble through the black than let Deb be his flashlight. As dinner wore on, the fact that he was still separated from Ryan by Pat started to get to Colin. He considered just picking up his chair and forcing his way between them, but he wasn’t sure how Ryan would take that. Even if most of Ryan’s attention remained on Colin, he certainly wasn’t neglecting his wife. Every so often, Colin would catch him leaning over to whisper something in her ear. She would laugh or whisper something back. It was nearly sickening to watch. Eventually Colin excused himself to use the restroom; his bladder was calling to him, but more it was an excuse to get away, to find a semblance of composure before he forced himself to get through what remained of dinner. The last time Colin had been in this particular bathroom, Ryan had found him to share an insane plan of running off together, but Colin had no illusions that he would show now. Still, he lingered over the sink, washing his hands three times before giving into the inevitable and leaving the washroom– –only to find someone waiting for him just outside. Colin sighed deeply. “Hello, Deb.” “Colin,” she greeted him, arms crossed over her chest, face a carefully controlled mask. For a moment she said nothing, just watched him. Colin felt himself growing agitated. “Did you want something?” She closed her eyes very briefly, and in that moment her mask slipped just a little, showing a hint of the anger she was really feeling. “Just what do you think you’re doing?” she said once she had opened her eyes again. Colin smiled. “Well, I was going to the bathroom...” She cut him off with a wave of her hand. “Don’t be cheeky. You come to dinner dressed like that, soaking wet and... are you going out of your way to embarrass me?” The smile dropped from his face in an instant. “What I do has nothing to do with you.” “Of course it does ” Deb hissed, taking a step toward him and lowering her voice. “I’m your wife.” And just like that, the smile was back, small and vindictive. “Not for long.” She was momentarily speechless. It always gave Colin a triumphant sort of happiness when he found he had bested her. When she spoke again, the anger was gone. Deb sounded sad, almost lost. “Stop it, Colin. Let’s go back to our room and talk about this. I...” She paused, searching his eyes. “I’m sorry for what I said to you the other day. Please forgive me.” Colin shrugged and looked past her, wondering what Ryan was doing just then. “I already have.” “Then...” Colin looked back to Deb sharply. That one word had held far too much hope and raw honesty, leaving Colin feeling like a complete ass. He could see the question in her eyes, the desperation, and he looked away once more. “I still want a divorce.” “You can’t mean that.” “I do,” Colin said very quietly. “I’m sorry. I love you, but I don’t want this anymore.” “Colin.” Now she sounded on the verge of tears. Guilt rose up in a nauseating wave. “I’m sorry,” he said again. He pushed past her, walking away. He considered going back to the table, but then he’d have to deal with Pat’s presence and Deb’s imminent return. He turned sharply and headed outside. Eventually Colin found himself on the top deck where he and Ryan had danced back on their second night aboard. He sat on the edge, legs tucked under the railing to dangle over the side as he stared out at the ocean. Even though there were still people swarming the lower decks, Colin’s was relatively untouched. There really was nothing there; it seemed a place more suited to lovers looking for time alone. Every so often Colin could hear footfalls on the steps behind him accompanied by indistinct whispers, but once his presence was noted, the couples soon retreated. The rain had stopped some time during dinner, though it left the ship shining in the moonlight and the boards beneath Colin relatively damp. It was a nice night, clear, beautiful with the stars reflected in the black pool three decks below. Colin sighed contentedly and leaned against the railing on his forearms, ignorant of the drops of water clinging to his bare skin. “I thought I might find you here.” Colin smiled as Ryan settled down beside him, mirroring his posture, legs swung out over the side of the deck, chin pillowed on his upraised arms. “It’s a nice night,” Colin commented, almost to himself. Ryan hummed his agreement, and for some time they sat in silence, both watching the flow of people far below and the ripples marking the movement of the ship through the water. Colin could feel the heat of Ryan’s body. Their elbows barely grazed along the railing, and his thigh was pressed to Colin’s. “Do you think I’m making a mistake?” Colin asked suddenly. He doubted he needed to clarify that, but he did anyway. “Divorcing Deb, I mean.” Ryan didn’t answer straight away, and Colin looked to him out of the corner of his eyes to see his eyes downcast, watching a particularly wealthy looking couple strolling along the pool’s edge, arm in arm; their laughter wafted up on a breeze, quiet but distinct. “Do you think you’re making a mistake?” “No,” Colin said immediately. “Then you’re not.” Colin nodded and returned to watching the ocean and the thin white line of the horizon. “It’s twenty years of marriage. All for nothing.” Ryan shrugged. “I wouldn’t call Luke nothing.” “But...” Colin trailed off, not quite sure how to precisely word what was on his mind. He should have known that he didn’t need to, not with Ryan. “Don’t stay in a marriage you don’t want for the sake of a child,” Ryan said, effectively reading Colin’s mind. “I think you were right when you said you would grow to resent him for it. It’ll be better this way, and he’ll realize that. He’s a smart kid.” A wry smile tilted the corners of Colin’s mouth as he said, “That wasn’t what you said yesterday.” Ryan laughed, low and humorless. “Yesterday,” he said, pushing away from the railing to flop flat on his back on the deck, “I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was...” He paused now, and Colin half turned to watch him. The stars turned Ryan’s eyes into bright points of light. He was staring straight up into the black sky, worrying his lower lip. “I was thinking about myself. I was trying to convince myself not to leave Pat for you.” “Oh.” There was a strange pulling sensation deep in Colin’s belly, like someone had grabbed a handful of his organs and tugged – hard. He hadn’t known Ryan had thought of anything along those lines, hadn’t even guessed, even with last night’s revelations. It left him feeling a strange mixture of hope and despair. Ryan didn’t say any more, and Colin had no idea how to reply to that. He opened his mouth, but words wouldn’t come. His throat felt constricted, mouth dry and useless. “What did you decide?” he eventually croaked out. Ryan sighed and closed his eyes. “That I can’t. That it would be too hard.” He opened his eyes once again, shifting his gaze to meet Colin’s. “But it’s very, very tempting.” “I think I’m leaving Deb for you,” Colin blurted out. He hadn’t meant to say that. He hadn’t even been thinking it, not until the words were out of his mouth, and they were absolutely true. Ryan blinked, frowned. “Don’t.” “Don’t what? Leave Deb?” “No.” Ryan shook his head and turned his face away to stare off into nothing in particular. He was smiling now, very slightly. “Don’t tempt me.” “I don’t expect anything of you.” Colin said. He swung his legs back up on deck and turned around to lean back against the railing, facing Ryan. “I just want to be close to you. ...and to not have to worry about how that affects her.” “I’m not leaving Pat.” “I don’t want you to.” Ryan snorted. “Liar.” The scant, pained humor accompanying that word didn’t last. Ryan pushed himself up on his elbows, looking very seriously at Colin. “If you do this... if you...” He frowned. “What are you planning to do, exactly? Move out to the west coast?” He paused for Colin to answer, but Colin couldn’t. He didn’t need to. “I would love that,” Ryan said, voice tainted by some deep, unidentifiable emotion, “but it would be too easy to spend all my time with you and neglect Pat and the kids.” Colin stared back at Ryan impassionately. “You can’t stop me.” Ryan smiled. “I don’t want to. That’s the problem.” “We can control this,” Colin argued. But Ryan shook his head. “I’m not sure I can.” He licked his lips. “You don’t know how badly I want to kiss you right now.” Colin swallowed, feeling those words stir things deep inside him. “I think I can imagine,” he whispered. Ryan raised himself up further until he was sitting properly. He and Colin were side by side now, facing opposite directions; their thighs still pressed together, sending warm waves up Colin’s spine. Ryan leaned forward ever so slightly and Colin half closed his eyes in anticipation, but in the next instant, Ryan was on his feet, moving away, shaking his head. “And that’s exactly why I should go back to my room right now. Pat is probably waiting for me.” Colin bit back a groan, shutting his eyes and leaning back into the railing, searching for strength in the solid metal pipes. Ryan’s words conjured up unwelcome images of Pat laid out on their bed, naked and beckoning. “You’re going to fuck her, aren’t you?” He hadn’t even realized he’d spoken aloud until Ryan replied, “No, I’m not.” “You are,” Colin asserted, opening his eyes to meet Ryan’s. Ryan sighed and looked away. “She’s my wife.” He had a point. Colin frowned. He should let Ryan go, let him make love to his wife and forget this entire conversation, but he didn’t have the will. “Don’t leave me.” He wasn’t looking at Ryan now. Rather he was staring down at his jeans, thinking they did a fine job of hiding the pale, pasty legs of a fifty year old man beneath. Ryan had no reason to stay. Why the Hell was he even considering a relationship with him? Colin could never compare to Pat. Ryan hesitated a moment longer, and then with yet another sigh, slid down the railing to rest beside Colin. “Okay,” he said at the same moment Colin said, “Never mind.” The second Ryan’s speech registered, Colin looked up to him, startled. “What?” Ryan blinked and laughed. “I said okay. I’ll stay.” “I shouldn’t have–“ But Ryan cut him off with a shake of the head. “Don’t worry about it,” he said, turning to look out over the ship again, the smile falling from his lips. “This is really where I want to be.” Day 6 After another moment of awkwardness, the conversation picked up again, this time venturing to safer topics. Mostly they discussed work and the upcoming tour, the “Ryan’s House” tour as Colin liked to call it. These days, it was usually the only time of year he saw his friend, but all of that would soon change. “When you’re not on tour with Brad,” Ryan commented, not looking at Colin; they had yet to properly look at each other since Ryan made the decision to stay, “you could join me at the club in Bellingham. If you want to, of course.” Colin nodded. “It’s small, but... it’s nice. I think you’d like it.” “Of course I will,” Colin replied. He allowed a ghost of a smile to cross his lips. “You’ll be there.” Suddenly Ryan laughed. For the first time in almost half an hour he looked to Colin, smiling, though it didn’t quite touch his eyes. “You’re going to get sick of me.” Colin smiled right back. “I could never.” Ryan just shook his head and looked back to the sky. “We’ll see how you feel in a few months.” “Yes,” Colin said, “we will.” And though the subject of conversation was quite somber, neither man could bring himself to feel anything less than overjoyed at the prospect. “I’m going to show up at your house at all hours,” Ryan said. “Drag you out on stupid adventures at three in the morning. You’ll end up posting guard dogs to keep me away.” “I’ll probably give you a key,” Colin countered. He considered Ryan’s words, imagining Ryan pulling him from sleep at some ungodly hour, dragging him to a 24 hour grocers for something silly like jelly beans or water balloons or perhaps rousing him for an adventure, a romp through the woods in the black of night, searching for a rock or a tree that had significance to only Ryan that he just had to show Colin right now. The smile slipped from Colin’s lips. “Pat won’t like that.” Ryan shrugged. “She’ll deal.” “I hate her.” Colin didn’t know how he had expected Ryan to react to that. Surprise, perhaps, or maybe anger, but certainly not with the soft sight of acknowledgment that left him, hovering on a breath. “I know.” “Are you mad at me?” Ryan considered that. “No.” “Disappointed?” “Maybe I was back when you first met her,” Ryan said with a chuckle, “but you’ve felt like that for so long that now I just accept it.” He paused for a moment, still smiling. “I wonder why I never hated Deb.” Colin frowned. “You introduced us.” “Yes, but... only because I already had Pat. I think I did it on purpose,” he mused. “Making sure you were taken so I wouldn’t have to wonder anymore. And she was good for you,” Ryan said, looking back to Colin. “She was good enough for you. I thought she could take my place.” “That was silly.” Ryan grinned cheekily. “It worked, didn’t it?” “Until now.” “Until now,” Ryan echoed, smiling gently. He sighed and checked his watch. Colin could see the little lights telling them it was half past midnight. “I really should get back,” Ryan said. He wouldn’t look at Colin. And this time Colin let him go. He stood himself, and then extended a hand to help Ryan to his feet. “I think I might actually sleep in my own bed tonight,” he said. Ryan nodded as he took Colin’s hand, a slight frown turning down his lips. They went back to their respective cabins together in silence. If Deb was surprised to find her husband next her in bed the next morning, she didn’t let it show. Merely she shared a terse “Good morning” with him once he’d opened his eyes. She was in the middle of dressing for breakfast. A slim skirt hugged her hips, a flowing blouse held aloft as she studied its sheen through the light streaming in the window. “Morning,” Colin murmured in reply. Without sparing her another glance, he dug through his own suitcase for something suitable to wear and then proceeded to the bathroom for a shower. When he was finished and dressed, Deb was still there, staring despondently out the port hole. She glanced to Colin briefly as he tied his shoes. “You look nice,” she said, turning to look back out the window. Colin snorted. “Surprised?” He was looking for a fight, unconsciously perhaps, but true all the same. Deb, however, didn’t rise to the bait. “You’ll be joining us for breakfast, won’t you?” “I suppose.” “Good.” Colin looked up in surprise. Deb was smiling at him, very slight and very sad, and it hit Colin that maybe she finally understood that he was serious when he’d asked for a divorce. He felt guilty for just a moment, and the thought crossed his mind that to stay with her, to forget his fantasies and go on as life was before would be far too easy. For now. In a month, maybe two, he knew he’d regret that decision. He couldn’t let himself stay in a marriage out of guilt or ease. He had to do what would make him happy. They made a weak attempt at conversation as they walked to the dining hall, speaking of Luke and projects to be dealt with once life went back to normal. Deb asked Colin if he had plans to continue with Getting Along Famously, but Colin only shrugged in response. He adored the show like it was his own child, but working with Deb on a daily basis was far from an appealing prospect. Given time perhaps he could pick it up again, but not now. Production wasn’t slated to begin for a few months. It wasn’t far off, but maybe, just maybe, it would be enough. Pat and Ryan were alone at a small table on the edge of the hall, chatting happily. The sight made Colin nauseous. Deb automatically took her seat one down from Pat, leaving a space for Colin between them, but he sure as Hell wasn’t going to fall into that trap. Instead Colin moved around the table to plop down next to Ryan. Deb frowned at that, but Ryan just smiled, nudging Colin gently on the arm as he said his hellos. They ordered food, from Colin’s simple coffee and muffin to Ryan’s full entourage of eggs, bacon, toast and hash browns. Colin had to admit, as he watched Ryan eat, that it looked delicious, but he feared his stomach would protest to anything so greasy, especially when Ryan continued to favor his wife with small touches throughout the meal. Colin polished off his muffin in record time and then just sat, idly sipping his black coffee, listening to Deb and Pat’s chatter, his own mind miles away. “Did you want some?” Colin blinked. It took him a moment to realize Ryan was addressing him. “Pardon?” Ryan had his fork upraised, a cheesy mass of egg speared on one end. He looked on the verge of laughing. “You’re staring at my plate like you haven’t eaten in days. Do you want some?” He offered the fork again. Oh. Colin smiled and started to shake his head. He hadn’t realized he was looking at Ryan’s food. Rather he’d been off in his own little world, staring without seeing. The movement caused him to catch a glimpse of Pat’s expression, however, giving him pause. She didn’t look happy. Colin’s smile widened with satisfaction. “Sure.” He shrugged as casually as possible. “I’ll try it.” He looked straight into Ryan’s eyes and opened his mouth. It was clear from Ryan’s expression that he didn’t know quite what to make of Colin’s actions, but he went along with it willingly enough. He lay the prongs down on Colin’s tongue, waiting for him to close his mouth around the fork before slowly drawing it out. Colin closed his eyes, grinning wickedly as he savored every last morsel. It wasn’t that much of an act; they were damn good eggs. When he opened his eyes, Ryan was still smiling at him, chuckling softly. “Could I try some?” Pat asked suddenly. It took a moment for Ryan to register the question. He did so with a shrug, saying, “Sure, honey,” and pushing eggs onto her plate with his fork. She scowled down at her plate and then reluctantly began picking at the food. “Would you like to try some of my eggs?” Deb said, but Colin didn’t even spare her a glance. He just continued to watch Ryan, and Ryan watched him right back. “More?” Ryan asked very quietly. Colin grinned. “I’d love more.” Breakfast went on that way in a passive aggressive vying for attention on all sides. Only when Ryan’s plate was clear, himself only eating maybe half of the breakfast he’d ordered, did it come to an end. By that time both Deb and Pat were in decidedly foul moods and left together in search of peace and quiet discussion, leaving the men alone with barely a word of parting. Colin found himself strolling the deck alongside Ryan. The sun was out, the air warm and humid. They steered clear of the pool and other overcrowded parts of the yacht, eventually ending up in a small alcove deep in the belly of the ship, leaning against the wall between the door to a janitor’s closet and a case for a fire hose as they watched patrons of the poorer rooms come and go. They hadn’t spoken much since leaning the dining hall, just a word now and again as they decided which direction to take. So it was with no small amount of surprise when Ryan suddenly asked, “What was that all about?” “What was what about?” Colin came back smoothly, though the question was rhetorical at best. And Ryan knew it. “You know.” “I was hungry.” Colin gave a half hearted shrug. Ryan nodded, digesting that. “Deb’s breakfast looked a lot nicer than mine.” “Why would I take anything from her?” Colin shot back, his tone a strange mixture of honest innocence and bitter humor. “Point.” Ryan smiled, giving Colin a sidelong glance. He stayed silent for a very long time then, just watching his friend, and then said, “I shouldn’t have allowed it.” “You offered.” Colin said. “Shouldn’t have done that either.” Ryan licked his lips, frowning slightly. “I don’t think Pat is very happy with me. I doubt I’ll be getting any tonight.” “Can’t say I’m sorry.” Colin wasn’t sure if he meant to say it aloud, but the words were out there now, and he couldn’t take them back. Ryan sighed. He was looking down, staring at the boards beneath his sneakers. “I know. The scary thing is...” and now he hesitated again, “I’m not sure I can either.” Oh, this was not good. Colin fought the urge to smack the back of his head against the wall. “I’m sorry,” he hurried to say. “I shouldn’t have said that.” Ryan shrugged. “It’s okay.” “No, it’s not.” He wanted to grab Ryan, spin him so they were face to face and drill the point home, but he knew that if he looked into Ryan’s eyes right now, he’d lose his nerve. That wasn’t an option. “You’re supposed to want your wife, and I... I’m not helping.” Ryan chuckled softly. “Don’t you dare say you’re not going to be my friend anymore.” Despite his tone, there was a vehemence in Ryan’s voice that startled Colin speechless. He finally risked a glance up to find Ryan staring at him, a smile on his lips that went nowhere near his eyes. “I won’t let you get away that easily,” Ryan said. Colin didn’t know quite what to say to that. He hadn’t even considered shunning Ryan’s friendship, but now that it was in his head, it did seem like the most logical option, even if Ryan had just made it perfectly clear that it wasn’t an option at all. They watched each other wordlessly for another minute, and then Ryan pushed off the wall. “Let’s go get our minds off this,” he said. “It’s too depressing.” “What are we going to do?” Colin asked, obediently following Ryan down the thin hallway that would lead to higher decks. “We...” Ryan said, drawing out the word as though he didn’t quite know himself. He paused at the foot of the staircase and turned to Colin, smiling. “I have no idea, but it’s going to involve a lot of drinking.” Colin stifled a laugh. “You do realize that it’s not even noon yet, right?” Ryan just smiled and started up the steps. “Last I checked, beer didn’t change flavor depending on the time of day.” The bar, however, didn’t see things quite the same way as it didn’t even open until lunchtime. Luckily that wasn’t too far off, so they waited the time out on the deck, watching the ocean and commenting on the other tourists. Colin could tell the ones with money at a glance. It wasn’t in the clothes; everyone dressed pretty much the same. Oh, their jeans might have been a little less thread bare, shoes a little less scuffed, but that wasn’t something someone would catch unless they were really studying a person. It was in the way they carried themselves, in the way the women would take these tiny, graceful steps and in the way the men looked down their noses at the ship’s staff hurrying past. It was a strange sight, Colin mused, because after all, they were all on the same boat. When the bar opened, they decided to dine there. Colin would have been just as happy scrounging up a six pack and returning to their familiar spot on the top deck, but taking alcohol from the bar wasn’t allowed as a general rule. Instead they found a table in an out of the way corner of the outside dining area overlooking the starboard bow and nursed a pitcher of draft. It was still too early for most of the guests to be eating, and the bar saw barely another soul in the hour Ryan and Colin spent in its confines, but their seats afforded them privacy from even those few. “Thought of a game yet?” Colin asked when the pitcher was just about empty. They’d run out of things to say nearly twenty minutes earlier, opting instead to watch the glint of sunlight off the water in companionable silence. Ryan shrugged. “A few. Anything in particular you wanted to do?” Colin pondered that as he searched the sky for clouds, but there was nothing but a clear expanse of cerulean blue as far as the eyes could see. He kept a perfectly straight face as he said, “I was thinking that it might be fun to show up to dinner absolutely plastered.” Ryan let out a barking laugh. “Sounds like you’re trying to get us in trouble!” “Trouble is fun,” Colin confirmed with a smile. Ryan smiled right back. “Especially when you have just the right person to get in trouble with.” The warmth that spread through Colin at those words was absolutely undeniable. It was at that very moment that he realized he was doing the right thing. He never felt more alive than when he was on stage, playing, but years of doing what he felt he should, what he had to do seemed to have made him forget that. He lived for improv, for the childlike fascination of pretend. It was in his blood, his soul. He’d let the misconception that he’d had to grow up get in the way of that, but no more. “Come on,” Ryan said, getting to his feet and extending a hand to Colin. “Let’s go do something monumentally stupid.” The second the woman was up, Colin was there, eyes darting back and forth, searching out other scavengers or those that meant to stop him in his tracks, but luckily not one person looked his way. Even the lifeguard had his attention elsewhere, on a pretty girl showing more skin than should be considered decent. With a deep, fortifying breath, Colin darted forward, deftly lifting the large plastic deck chair and then spun, racing back to the far end of the pool. Even sitting, Ryan seemed to tower over their makeshift fort. They already had two chairs, each lying on its side, placed end to end to make a sort of wall, an enclosure blocking them into the corner of the deck. Colin’s bounty would make three. He sat it neatly atop one of the chairs already in place, making sure it was steady before looking down to where Ryan sat, cross legged in the middle of it all. “We’ll need one more,” Colin said, sweeping his gaze over the pool. In the heat of the day it was swarming with people, and they were starting to get some odd looks. Ryan nodded solemnly. “There.” He pointed down the deck to where a couple was drying off, lifting their things off two chairs and then ambling away. Colin gave a succinct nod and headed off. It was like a war zone, he reflected as he darted around children, weaving through occupied chairs, sights set. He had to remain unnoticed, camouflaged as it were. He was just another tourist, just a branch swaying in the breeze, barely registered and then immediately forgotten. Just ten more steps and he’d be at his quarry. Five more. Two. One. And then– “Oh, I’m sorry. Are you sitting here?” Colin blinked. The pretty girl showing too much skin was smiling up at him, a flowered canvas bag hanging on the tips of her fingers, hovering over the chair. “I–“ he looked past her, but the other empty chair was currently being taken by an old man in a speedo. Colin frowned and looked back to the girl. He couldn’t take it now; it wasn’t right. She was actually going to use the chair. “No...” “No, he’s not,” Ryan said, suddenly appearing at Colin’s side. He grinned at the girl. “I am.” And with that, he scooped up the chair and took off at a run. Colin caught just the vaguest hint of her bewildered expression before he was sprinting to catch up with Ryan. “That wasn’t right!” Colin admonished in a harsh whisper. “But we need it!” Ryan countered. “No, not that! You left the fort unattended!” “Oh, that!” Ryan let out a deep laugh. They skidded to a halt and then deftly leaped over the lower half of the embattlement, both safely inside when Ryan fit the final chair in place, their fort complete. Ryan stooped down to peer through a gap in the chairs. “It’s not like there’s anything of value in here.” Colin plopped down on the floor beside him. “Our ammo’s in here,” he argued and proceeded to check on said ammunition, two handfuls of Sweet n Low packets and a bowl of celery stalks snatched from behind the bar. It was all there. Satisfied, he looked to Ryan. “What’s happening out there?” “Nothing yet...” Ryan worried his lower lip. Colin could see his pupils dancing back and forth as he surveyed their surroundings. “No, wait!” Ryan sucked in a breath, stilled. “We’ve been spotted.” Colin started to get up but a hand on his arms gave him pause. “Steady now,” Ryan advised. His hand left Colin’s arm to gesture at the ammo without looking. Colin looked to their meager stores. “Big guns?” he said. Ryan shook his head. “Not yet. A couple of packets should do it. They’re just scouts.” When the Sweet n Low was in Ryan’s hands, he settled back on his heels, still watching the gap. “Get armed,” he whispered. Colin complied without question. It didn’t matter that he had no idea the kind of enemy they were facing. He trusted Ryan to get them through it. “Ready...” Ryan cocked his arm back. “And.... fire!” In seconds the air was filled with a barrage of pink packets flying every which way as the air currents caught and tossed them about. It was immediately followed by the slap of paper meeting skin, gasps and then the unmistakable sound of children’s laughter, a boy and a girl, Colin surmised. Ryan flung an arm out, halting Colin as he reached for more ammunition. Colin let his hand hover over the pile, watching Ryan warily. They hadn’t hurt anyone, had they? But the next second Ryan was motioning frantically. “More ammo!” he cried. “More ammo!” More laughter more like, and those same pink packets were flying back over the wall, raining down on them, and the real war began. Some time later, after the children had been herded away by a very disgruntled mother, after most of the packets had split, showering all around in a thin sheen of sweet, white powder, Colin and Ryan settled back against the side of the ship, still safely encased in their surprisingly sturdy fort, and chewed thoughtfully on the remains of the wilting celery. “I think we lost,” Ryan remarked after a few minutes. Colin peeled a string out of his stalk of celery. “I’d say it was more of a draw.” “Mm.” Ryan nodded and chewed. A smile bloomed over his lips. “We should do this more often.” “We should.” Colin smiled. “We could.” He stared down at the celery in his hands, but he was no longer seeing it. He was looking at himself and Ryan holed up in a not dissimilar fort tucked away in a corner of Ryan’s spacious yard. Sam, Mac and Luke were across the yard in their own embattlement, making plans, sending Luke out with a water balloon in each hand. He could see his son sneaking along the perimeter of the yard, hoping to go unnoticed and failing miserably. Pat and Deb watched them from the porch, smiles on their faces. No, that was wrong. The image shifted and changed. Deb was gone. Luke was gone. Pat was watching them with disdain now, Claire huddled safely in her arms. Pat knew Colin’s motives, could read it in his eyes. When she smiled it was with a smug sort of pity. Colin hated her. Envied her. Jealousy boiled his blood, marked his skin with thick, red, penned lines, poison in his veins. But then Ryan was laughing, and Colin was blinking up at him. The image dissolved, and all he could see was Ryan smiling at him curiously. “You really do live in your own world, don’t you?” he mused. Colin sighed. “Just thinking about the future.” That wiped the smile off Ryan’s face. He averted his eyes to stare down at his hands. “I’ve been thinking about that myself,” he confessed. He licked his lips and let out a long, shuddering breath. “And I’ve been thinking that this isn’t fair to you.” “Ryan...” Colin said with a sigh, but Ryan was shaking his head, a silent plea for quiet which Colin unthinkingly obliged. Ryan nodded to himself, still not meeting Colin’s eyes. “I know you think you’ll be fine with it. Being by my side, wanting more and never getting it, having to watch me go back to Pat every night... but I was thinking...” He finally looked up at Colin. There was a pain in his eyes, pain and an honest love that took Colin’s breath away. “I was thinking...” he said again. “Was it too much to hope that you two could go one day without embarrassing us?” Colin shut his eyes, biting back a groan. He had the impression that he really hadn’t wanted to hear whatever it was Ryan was about to say, but he needed to hear it, and that certainly wasn’t going to happen now. He wanted to take Ryan’s hand and march away, right off the boat if need be, anywhere they could go in order to finish this conversation in private. Instead he grinned nastily up at the woman who was still his wife and said, “We do try.” “Try our patience,” Pat agreed from her place next to Deb. Colin did groan now, his gaze drifting back to Ryan, looking for back up, but Ryan was looking down. Ashamed? Colin thought, worried, until he saw exactly what Ryan was looking at: the half full dish of celery still nestled between them. Ryan looked up and met his eyes. “Big guns?” Colin asked around the makings of a smile. Ryan grinned. “Big guns.” Needless to say the women weren’t very happy with them by the time dinner rolled around. They’d stormed off in a huff after being bombarded by celery, but soon Ryan was feeling guilty and went searching for Pat, leaving Colin alone. “We will finish this talk,” Ryan had said very quietly just before he stood to leave. He watched Colin a moment, his eyes strangely unreadable and then leaned in to place a soft kiss on his lips. “Tonight,” he had said, and then he was gone. Dinner was more or less a repeat of breakfast if perhaps a bit more subdued. Deb was still making a strained attempt at winning Colin’s affections while the war for Ryan’s heart went on around her. Ryan did his best to keep out of all of it. He appeared preoccupied, remaining far quieter than he had on previous evenings, speaking only when spoken to, which, considering the amount of attention he was getting from both Colin and Pat, was substantial, but even then he kept his replies succinct. Colin caught Ryan watching him a few times throughout the meal, but by the time it registered, Ryan was already looking away. Even if Pat felt the need to covet Ryan’s attention, she was still far from happy with him, so after dessert, she retired with him to their cabin for a talk. As he was leaving, Ryan leaned over to whisper in Colin’s ear, “Meet me on our deck in an hour.” Colin had to smile at that. He watched Ryan go, still completely in the dark about what, exactly, Ryan had to tell him, but he couldn’t find it in himself to be overly concerned. When Ryan disappeared from view, Colin looked to Deb only to find her frowning at him. They stood and left the table together. Colin wasn’t sure what Deb had planned for the evening, but he intended to change into something more comfortable. For the first time in days he’d actually dressed for dinner, and the suit he now wore left him feeling stifled. “What are your plans after...” Debs said suddenly when they were nearly to their room. She couldn’t seem to finish the question. “The divorce?” Colin said for her. He shrugged, keeping his gaze straight ahead. “I think I’ll move back west.” “Back to Vancouver?” “Something like that.” He let her unlock the door. “For Ryan?” She asked. It was said very softly, almost quiet enough to hide the trembling in her voice. Colin didn’t answer. He looked to her, seeing understanding dawn in her eyes along with a healthy dose of pity. She knew, and yet she found the tact to not say it. Instead she began to undress, simultaneously pulling out her bedclothes. “Luke could stay with you over the summer.” It was generous offer all things considered. Colin shared a warm smile with his wife. “I’d like that.” It was actually closer to an hour and a half before Ryan found Colin on deck, but Colin didn’t mind waiting. He enjoyed a little time to himself every now and again. There was a couple making out in the shadows when he’d first arrived, but he ignored them, and when it became obvious he wasn’t leaving any time soon, they picked up and hurried off in search of privacy. Colin felt Ryan’s presence long before he joined him at the railing. Ryan ascended the steps and stood there for a few minutes. Colin knew it was him without turning around. He wasn’t sure how he knew; he’d stopped questioning those instincts years ago. “This is our last night here,” Colin said suddenly. Ryan didn’t respond, and he didn’t come any closer. “Tomorrow evening we’ll be back in the states.” Going our separate ways, Colin added in his mind. “We’ll see each other soon, though,” Ryan said. He finally came forward, sitting by Colin’s side and joining him in looking out over the silent water. Colin nodded. In a few weeks they’d be together. Between then and now, however, his time would be consumed by divorce proceedings and finding a new home. He’d certainly need the tour, the play, to calm his nerves after all that. “And... about that...” Ryan breathed in deeply. Colin looked to him out of the corner of his eye. Here it was, the words he knew he didn’t want to hear. “I think it’s time for a change.” Colin blinked, chuckled. “Me divorcing Deb and moving to Washington isn’t enough of a change?” “No, it’s not.” Ryan looked at him properly now, still with that undefinable gaze from earlier. “What’s happened here... I can’t forget it. I don’t want to. And I was thinking... maybe I don’t have to.” Colin just stared at him uncomprehendingly. Out of all the scenarios that had flitted through his mind, this was not one of them. “I don’t think I understand.” Suddenly Ryan was over him, leaning forward and invading Colin’s personal space in a way that had his blood singing. Ryan reached a hand out to steady himself and continued moving forward, pressing Colin back. The other hand curved around the nape of Colin’s neck, drawing him back up. “I want you,” Ryan whispered against his lips. And then he was kissing him, hot and wet and messy, and Colin was kissing him back with a fierceness he hadn’t realized he possessed. Ryan’s hand left Colin for just a moment, and then it was over Colin’s heart, pushing him down with the slightest pressure until Colin was lying back on the cool deck. Ryan adjusted himself until he was straddling Colin’s hips, and throughout it all, he never left Colin’s lips. It was absolutely amazing. They’d shared less than a handful of real kisses, but Ryan seemed to know exactly what Colin liked. Powerful but not intrusive. Ryan caught Colin’s lower lips between his own, lavishing it with attention, sucking it in gently before delving back into his mouth. And Colin would have liked to just forget everything and kiss Ryan for hours, but common sense halted on its detour to his crotch, coming to the forefront of his mind. “Ryan,” he whispered, the name catching in his throat. His hands were on the other man’s shoulders, reluctantly pushing him away. “What are you doing?” Ryan laughed, not quite willing to part from Colin’s mouth just yet. The sound caressed his lips delightfully. “I think that’s pretty obvious.” “But...” Oh God, he had to get Ryan off him now or risk drowning in him. “I don’t think this is what you want to talk about...” Ryan finally drew back, hovering just inches away from Colin’s face. “It is,” he said. He had an almost smile on his lips. “I don’t want to give you up. I can’t leave Pat, but... I can’t ignore this.” “What are you saying?” Colin asked despite the fact that it was quite clear. “I want this to continue after this vacation. You and me. And not just friends. I think...” He swallowed, tasting the words in his mind and weighing them before he’d allow himself to speak them aloud. “I want to have an affair with you.” “Oh.” Not the most eloquent of replies, but then Colin was still reeling from all the implications of that one sentence. He wanted to jump at the offer. He wanted to try this thing with Ryan and see where it took them, but at the same time Ryan had a family to consider and... “I can’t let you.” Ryan frowned. “I’m not leaving it up to you.” Colin actually laughed. There was a cold, hard mass settling into his chest and it came out slightly hysterical. “You can’t make me have an affair with you.” But when it came down to it, there was no way in Hell Colin was going to keep up this morally upright bullshit for long, and they both knew it. So it was that a smile curved Ryan’s lips as he stayed, still bent over Colin, inches from his mouth. “Wanna bet?” And it really was the worst idea Ryan had ever had, but Colin didn’t even try to stop him when Ryan kissed him again. Colin twined his arms around Ryan’s neck, dragging him down, needing to feel every inch of the other man against him, needing to get lost in his scent and the harsh whisper of his breath between kisses. If this kept up, it was going to go far beyond kissing, but Colin couldn’t make himself stop. He could feel the hardness of Ryan’s erection through his jeans pressed against his hip and arched up, sliding their stomachs together, groaning in response to the delicious hitch in Ryan’s breathing at the contact. Suddenly Ryan tore himself away, leaving Colin blinking hazily up at him. Thoughtlessly he reached up to pull Ryan back down, but Ryan resisted with a smile. He kept Colin flat on the deck with one hand pressed down on his chest. The other moved to his zipper. The quiet grate of metal teeth was strangely loud, even over the backdrop of waves thumping against the side of the ship. The sound alone had Colin heart beating erratically, more aroused than he could ever remember being, the situation made all the better by the fact that they were basically in public. At any moment someone could come up there and find them. Ryan’s fingers were sliding into his jeans, beneath the elastic of his briefs to wrap around his erection. Colin sighed at the touch, closing his eyes briefly in bliss before opening them again to look into Ryan’s eyes black as night. Ryan had pulled him free and was staring down at his erection, still smiling slightly as he stroked the length of it. It suddenly hit Colin that this was Ryan. He was about to have sex with Ryan, his best friend. For a moment even the pleasure of being touched was overwhelmed by the look on Ryan’s face, the absolute fascination, and Colin could tell Ryan was feeling it, too. “It doesn’t seem real, does it?” Colin didn’t even realize he’d spoken until Ryan looked up and answered, “No.” He smiled, wrapping his hand more firmly around Colin now and squeezing gently as he lowered himself to take Colin’s mouth again, swallowing his gasp. From there it was a strange mix of instinct versus uncertainty. When it came down to the bare bones of the situation, sex was sex, but neither had been with a man before, and this was far too important to screw up. Colin found that he’d never been so concerned with pleasing another person. As Ryan continued to stroke him, Colin just had to return the favor, bringing both of their abilities to concentrate down to nothing. That, however, just made it better. Colin couldn’t take his eyes off Ryan’s face, gauging his every reaction, laughing when he realized Ryan was doing the same. Time and again, Ryan leaned down to share broken, half finished kisses with him, his breath shuddering over Colin’s chin like a drug; the sight of his heavily lidded eyes and flushed cheeks were almost better than Ryan’s hand on him. Colin came first, head smacking into the wood of the deck, laughing at the pain around harsh, wet breaths. It was all he could do to remember to finish off Ryan. The entire time Ryan had stayed propped above him, but now he let himself drop, settling over Colin and looking more than ready to fall asleep on the spot. Colin wrapped his arms tight around him, feeling the tremors in his overworked arms. He breathed in deeply the scents of sex and sweat that mixed so perfectly with the salty air. “That was amazing,” Colin said, almost to himself. Ryan hummed his agreement. He stirred slightly, absently attempting to regain the strength to sit up when something stopped him. Colin turned his head to look at him, feeling Ryan’s body go tense. “What’s wrong?” But before the words had even fully formed, Colin heard it: a slow, steady clapping. Shit. In unison they bolted up, turning to face their audience. Colin could swear that his heart actually stopped. Standing at the top of the steps, night gown swaying around her calves, was Deb. Her face was hidden in shadow, but her posture was clear, arms lifting to cross over her chest, head held high. “I know I guessed,” she said, voice devoid of emotion, “but I just had to see it for myself.” Day 7 Deb lingered for just a moment longer. She tilted her head ever so slightly, and despite the fact that Ryan couldn’t see her eyes, he knew she was looking at him, watching him, judging him. He blinked and she was gone. “Shit,” Ryan breathed. Colin was kicking into gear, still half beneath him, and Ryan moved out of the way, collecting himself as Colin did the same. “I have to go talk to her,” Colin said once he was decent and on his feet. Ryan nodded. He felt numb. He knew he should say something. He should try to comfort Colin, assure him that everything would be all right, even if the words were hollow and meaningless, but when he finally got his mouth working again, all that came out was, “Don’t let her tell Pat.” Colin paused in his crossing of the deck, looking back at Ryan, face a mixture of hurt and understanding. He didn’t respond, but Ryan knew that Colin would try his best. The thought nearly broke his heart. After Colin had gone, Ryan stayed on deck, just leaning back against the railing and staring up at the stars. It was his own fault they’d been caught, he reflected, and it was very, very unfair of him to ask Colin to suffer the weight of the consequences. God, he was being selfish. Ryan slumped down, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands, suddenly hating himself. He’d denied his feelings for Colin when they’d first surfaced some twenty-odd years ago, pushed him away, married Pat, and now... now he was going back on the one decision he’d always regretted, and screwing them all over in the process. Someone was going to get hurt beyond repair if he went through with this affair. Maybe all of them. But he couldn’t back out. He’d watched Colin as they’d made love, seen the love and the pleasure on his face and was thrilled at the fact that it was all because of him. There was no way he could live without seeing that look on Colin’s face again... but there was still Pat. Hurting her was the last thing he wanted to do. She was the only woman he ever loved... still loved. Even if he had the sinking suspicion that what he felt for Colin went far beyond that, he wasn’t willing to give her up just yet. “I really am a bastard.” Ryan said, chuckling mirthlessly as he lifted himself to his feet. He would go back to her now, lie with her and think. Maybe this would all be clearer in the morning. But three decks down, just as Ryan was approaching the pool, he stopped dead in his tracks. Two figures stood by the edge of the pool, illuminated by the moon. Deb was facing Colin, breathing harsh, hands balled into fists at her sides. Colin seemed just the opposite, lax and far too calm. Neither were speaking. Ryan slipped into the shadows of the overhang of an upper deck and watched. Eventually Colin sighed and said “Yes” to some unheard question. Deb seemed to cave in on herself at this response, but in an instant she was standing tall again, mouth opening. But whatever reply she had was cut off as Colin hurriedly continued, “It’s not what you think. Nothing happened... not... not until after.” It struck Ryan then that they were talking about him, and he immediately wanted to kick himself for being so dumb. Of course they were talking about him. Deb had just caught them with their pants down; what else would they be talking about? “Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Colin lowered his head. “I’m sorry,” he whispered so quietly that Ryan had to convince himself he hadn’t imagined it. “...Don’t tell Pat.” Deb laughed then, and both Colin and Ryan looked to her in surprise. Her fists were still clenched at her sides, and even at a distance there was no mistaking the angry smile cut across her face. “Tell Pat? I have no intention of telling Pat.” Her voice lowered, calm and deadly, and Ryan had to strain to hear the rest of her words. “You know what’s going to happen, don’t you?” She paused, smile dropping off her face. “You’ll have your little affair, and Ryan will feel guilty. He’ll ignore it at first, but it’ll eat at him. Maybe it will be weeks from now, maybe years, but he’ll leave you. He’ll resent you for taking him away from his family and this...” She waved her hands about indistinctly, scowling. “...this thing will destroy you. So, no. I have no intention of telling Pat, because that would make this far too easy.” She nodded to herself and took a step back. She almost sounded sad as she looked him over, words still barely above a whisper. “I’m sorry, Colin, but I want to see you suffer.” And there wasn’t a damn thing Colin could say to that. Ryan watched it all with a detached sort of horror, feeling Deb’s words cut at him, slow and steady, hacking away with a dull blade. More than anything he wanted to go out there and take Colin in his arms, assure him that Deb was wrong and nothing would ever tear them apart. But he couldn’t. So he watched. He watched as Deb turned on her heels and stalked away. He watched as Colin just stared after her, not moving, barely breathing. He watched until the sight was just too much to bear. “Col?” Colin started and turned to him, watching Ryan now as he crept out of the shadows and into the moonlight. He smiled gently. “How much of that did you hear?” Ryan shrugged. “Enough.” He could see it in Colin’s eyes, the set of his mouth. Colin was going to try and comfort him when it should have been absolutely the other way around. He was starting to get angry at himself for doing this to Colin, at Colin for not even trying to get angry in return. “She’s probably right, you know.” He didn’t know why he said other than the fact that it was the truth, and he didn’t know how he expected Colin to respond, maybe with shock or fury, but if that were the case, then he was sorely mistaken. Because Colin just nodded very slightly. “I know.” “What do you want to do?” Do it, Ryan thought, tell me I’m an asshole and a coward and that we should forget this ever happened. Colin was the logical one, the sane one, and Ryan had grown dependant on him being the voice of reason in their relationship. Colin would make the hard decisions so Ryan didn’t have to. But Colin just sighed and said, “I don’t know.” Damn it. “I won’t leave Pat.” Get angry, damn you. Yell at me. Scream at me. Tell me you never want to see me again. That, at least, I know we’ll be able to work through. But again, Colin sighed and nodded. “ I know.” “Fuck.” Ryan couldn’t take it anymore. He crossed the few feet between them and wrapped his arms around Colin, drawing him into a tight hug. Colin’s whole body was strung through with tension, but he seemed to melt into the embrace, pillowing his cheek against Ryan’s shoulder, hands coming up to clutch at the material over his back. Ryan closed his eyes, wishing to God that Colin didn’t feel so good in his arms. “We can’t do this,” he whispered. “I know.” “I’m so, so sorry.” “Don’t be.” Colin pulled back slightly to look into his eyes. He was smiling now, but in his eyes Ryan could see nothing but pain. “This is what you have to do.” Ryan only tightened his hold further. “I don’t have to do anything,” he wanted to say, but that wouldn’t be fair. Instead he leaned down and kissed Colin, slow and soft. It felt like a goodbye, but Ryan couldn’t let go just yet. “Come on,” he said against Colin’s lips. He took Colin’s hand and led him to a deck chair, laying down and then pulling Colin with him so that the other man was practically on top of him. Colin didn’t hesitate, but once he was down he asked, “What are we doing?” “Sleeping,” Ryan said and closed his eyes. He could hear Colin’s frown. “You should sleep in your cabin.” And leave you alone? Ryan snorted. I don’t think so. “This is our last night here,” he said, murmuring the words into Colin’s hair, “I’m spending it with you. Colin didn’t answer right away. He relaxed, breathing deeply. When he did speak, it was very quiet. “This will only make things harder.” “Good.” He felt Colin’s surprise, but he didn’t open his eyes, just lay a kiss on his temple and said, “Leaving you shouldn’t be easy.” The looks they were receiving would have been funny had Ryan not been in such a foul mood. He woke with the sun in his eyes, harsh and high in the sky; people were milling about, making full use of the yacht’s amenities before they’d all have to return to reality. There was confusion, a little disgust and even a few smiles on the faces of the men and women who caught his eyes as he awoke, and surprisingly enough, it was that last that hurt the most. Colin was tucked against his front, just starting to stir himself, and Ryan pulled him in close, a tight, protective hug before he had to force himself to let go. He felt it when Colin was fully awake, a stiffening in his back and shoulders, and without thought, Ryan laid a quick kiss to the nape of his neck in an attempt to calm him, but this just intrigued the passers by further, and Ryan drew away. “What time is it?” Colin’s voice was adorably thick with sleep as he checked his watch and replied, “Almost ten.” “Shit.” Pat and Deb would have been up for nearly an hour. “We have to get up.” Colin nodded, cringing as he sat up. The hard plastic of the chair was wreaking havoc on both their backs. Ryan hoped Pat remembered to pack his pain relievers. Pat... She had been more than understanding when he had spent the night with Colin on the beach, but now Ryan had to wonder if it was obvious that he was avoiding her. They hadn’t made love since their second night aboard, and though Ryan thought he should be feeling negligent in that respect, guilty even, he couldn’t muster up the will to do so, not when the sight of Colin mussed with sleep, smiling vaguely at him in the morning light made up for it ten fold. “Do we have any plans for today?” Colin asked. Ryan realized that he’d been staring. He grinned, willing himself to find that guilt and focus on it, on something, anything other than how kissable Colin looked. “I have to go find Pat.” The second the words were out, Ryan wanted to take them back. The smile dropped off Colin’s lips in an instant, but that was what he’d wanted, wasn’t it? Remind Colin that he was married and was going to stay that way? “Right. Of course.” Suddenly Colin was smiling agin, and it was the worst imitation of a smile Ryan had ever seen. He stood, still watching Ryan as he backed away. “I’m going to go take a shower. I’ll see you later.” And without even waiting for a reply, he turned and fled. Ryan had expected at least an hour or so to compose himself before facing Pat, but there she was the moment he stepped in the door, perched on the bed, gazing out the window. She turned as the door opened, smiling brightly. “Hey, honey.” Ryan smiled but said nothing. He wasn’t sure what would come out of his mouth if he opened it. “Spend last night with Colin?” She was still smiling as she asked, patting the space next to her on the bed, inviting him over as though everything was perfectly fine, but he heard the unasked questions hanging in the air. The night on the beach had been different. She had assumed he’d spent the night in their cabin, but this time that wasn’t an option. He could see it in her eyes: Where did you sleep last night? Did you sleep at all? What aren’t you telling me? But if she wasn’t willing to ask, then he had no obligation to answer. He joined her on the bed and gave her a brief hug. “Yeah. It was our last night. I had to spend it with him.” Pat nodded, leaning into his side as she returned to looking out the window. “And Deb? Are they going to be okay?” Dear Lord, how to answer that? Ryan finally settled on the truth. “No. It’s not... not fixable.” “That’s such a shame. They were so perfect together.” And Ryan had to see the truth in that. Colin and Deb had always completed each other in their own way. Still did. Oh, maybe not as well as he and Colin, but... ... but best to stop that train of thought right there. So he went down a different track, unwilling to delve into that particular subject but unable to think of anything else. “He’s moving out west, you know.” “Oh?” Pat was still watching the sky, her tone obviously telling him that she was only half listening. After a moment, however, she tilted her head to one side and then slowly turned to look at Ryan. There was a quirk to her lips, new questions in her eyes as she searched his. “Did he tell you why he was divorcing Deb?” “No,” Ryan said. Pat stared at him for a moment longer, studying him. He couldn’t take it. He turned away, shrugging. “He said something about not wanting to be married anymore, but he never went into details.” “I see.” He felt her weight leave the bed and glanced up. Pat crossed toward the door, scooping up purse and room key as she went. She reached for the handle, and Ryan opened his mouth to ask just what was going on, where she was heading off to in such a hurry, but before a word had left his lips she looked back to him, gaze closed, lips cutting a straight line across her face. “I think that was the first time you ever lied to me.” When Colin found him an hour later, leaning on the railing as the first hint of land formed on the horizon, Ryan was still mulling those words over. She had left immediately after speaking them, and he hadn’t stopped her. He had wanted to, but for once common sense overruled emotion. He wouldn’t have been able to deny the accusation, and he wasn’t yet ready to answer questions. Truth be told he was starting to regret that decision. He couldn’t afford to be fighting with his wife. Not now. “Hello.” Ryan didn’t look up. “Hey.” Colin sidled up beside him, brushing their arms as he joined Ryan in watching the horizon. “What’s wrong?” Ryan opened his mouth, closed it again. It wouldn’t be fair to Colin to ask for his advice on this. He heaved a deep sigh and turned slightly to his friend, wondering if he could muster up the strength to tell another tremendous lie in such a short time and paused. Colin was looking at him with such concern and such love that Ryan just had to smile. “Nothing,” he said. “Everything is fine.” And it wasn’t a lie, not anymore. “Are you sure?” “Yes,” Ryan said with absolute certainty, now grinning like mad. He turned to face Colin completely, pleased when Colin followed suit. He lifted his arms. “Give me a hug.” “What?” Colin said around a chuckle, but he folded himself into the embrace nonetheless, returning the pressure of Ryan’s arms without hesitation. Ryan breathed in deeply, pressing his cheek to Colin’s. “You’re acting strange,” Colin whispered against his ear. “Because you’ve been the picture of mental health all week...” It was said in jest, but still Colin tensed at the words, and Ryan squeezed him tighter. When they parted, Colin was frowning. “Pat is looking for you.” Ryan ignored the obvious jealousy coloring his tone and continued to smile. “Then I guess I should go find her.” He looked out over the ocean again, and the smile faltered for just an instant. “We’ll be docking in a few hours. I’ll find you again before then.” Colin nodded and turned away as Ryan went off in search of his wife. “He’s in love with me.” For Ryan the truth had always seemed the best course of action. He found that more often than not it came to his lips with ease. He seemed to have forgotten that as of late. And he’d been lying to himself for years when it came to Colin, but it hadn’t been easy. And it wasn’t right. If he’d only told the truth all those years ago, he wouldn’t be having this conversation now. Pat looked up from her packing curiously, taking a moment to look Ryan up and down. “I think I knew that.” Of course he wouldn’t have Pat, Mac, Sam or Claire either, and he wasn’t about to give them up for anything. Not for all the money or all the fame or, he told himself, wondering at the tinny, rusted sound of the words even in his own mind, for Colin. The truth also carried with it a certain sense of freedom. An indescribable weight lifted itself from Ryan’s shoulders, and for the first time in days he could meet his wife’s eyes without guilt. “So how did you break it to him?” Ryan blinked. “What?” Pat shrugged as she went back to folding her clothes. “That you didn’t feel the same.” “I...” Oh. Damn. Now what? Ryan raked a hand through his hair and crossed the room to slump down on the bed. When he didn’t answer right away, Pat paused once again in her task, twisting around to look at him. “Ryan?” “I didn’t.” “You...” Pat frowned. “All right.” Ryan risked the slightest glance at her, surveying her reaction without meeting her eyes. She had turned around completely now, still sitting on the floor, folds of yellow cloth draped over her hands. “Why? You haven’t had the chance?” Wouldn’t it be simple had that been the truth? “No.” “Then you do feel the same?” She didn’t sound surprised or even upset, just curious. “I love you,” Ryan said, finally daring to meet her gaze. That, at least, wasn’t a lie. “But you love him, too?” “Of course. He’s my best friend.” He couldn’t keep from sounding defensive. Pat was frowning again. She stood, leaving the clothes behind, letting the pale yellow cloth tumble from her fingers to pool at her feet, and then came to sit by him, watching him all the while. “Ryan,” she said again, tentative and curious, “what are you telling me?” “I...” He turned away, slammed his eyes shut and took a breath, opened them again and forced himself to meet her gaze. “Nothing. Just answering the question.” “I lied to her.” Colin nodded. He was exactly where Ryan had left him, and his eyes were still on the horizon and the now rapidly approaching strip of land. There was a thin white line of beach and then a gray and coral mix of buildings rising from it, all still mostly indistinguishable at their distance. Colin continued to watch the skyline and water, not saying anything for a moment. Ryan felt the urge to explain himself. “I just... she can’t...” “No, it’s okay. I understand.” Colin looked to him then, smiling. “We all do what we have to do.” God damn it, there was so much hurt in his eyes, and he was just smiling like none of it mattered, like his heart wasn’t breaking. It was more than Ryan could deal with just then. He pushed himself forward, trapping Colin in a tight hug. “No, it’s not. It’s not fair.” “Ryan...” Colin chided gently, trying in vain to pry the other man from him, but Ryan just squeezed tighter, breathing in the scent of him, needing to remember this moment. “If I could do anything...” Ryan trailed off, a choked whisper fading to nothing. “This is how things are,” Colin told him firmly, and the finality of his tone forced Ryan to let go. “We both know this is for the best,” Colin said, holding Ryan at arm’s length and meeting his eyes with determination. Ryan couldn’t speak. He could only stare in wonder. Colin was so strong, stronger than anyone, himself included, had ever given him credit for. As they continued to stare at each other, Colin’s eyes slowly softened. “Please,” he said, the conviction all but gone from his voice, “don’t make this harder.” “I don’t want to forget,” Ryan whispered, leaning in to brush his lips over Colin’s. But Colin jerked back before they could touch. He spun and stalked away, but Ryan wasn’t about to let him leave. “Col, wait...” Ryan jogged after him, laid a hand on his shoulder. “Stop it,” Colin said, stilling but refusing to face him. “Colin–“ “Seriously, Ryan. Don’t.” He drew in a deep breath and the next time he spoke, the hard edge was gone from his voice. “We’ll see each other in a few weeks.” Unconsciously, Ryan’s hand tightened on Colin’s shoulder. “I can’t wait that long.” “Wait?” Colin said, a mirthless chuckle escaping his lips as he tugged away, turned to look at Ryan. “We go for months without seeing each other. Three weeks is nothing.” But it was. Ryan couldn’t imagine not seeing Colin again for three days much less weeks. “Everything is different now.” Ryan needed to reach out to him, but Colin was staring at him with such disbelief, such incredulity that it stayed his hand. “No,” Colin said, “it’s not.” “You can’t be serious.” “Ryan...” Colin shook his head, backing up another step. “You said it yourself last night; we can’t do this. Everything has to go back to the way it was.” And of course he was right; Colin was always right, but, “I can’t.” “What about Pat?” The anger was back in his voice. “God damn it, what about her?” And oh, Hell, he hadn’t meant to say that, hadn’t even realized he’d been thinking it. Colin stared at him. His deep brown eyes were absolutely unreadable. His lips were parted, sucking in quick, shallow breaths. Very slowly his eyes closed and he said, completely monotone, “I’m going to leave now. I have packing to do. I suggest you do the same.” “Col...” Colin tensed at that one, simple sound, but he remained where he was, eyes closed. “Colin–“ “You can’t have everything,” Colin said suddenly. “You have to choose.” Colin opened his eyes. He watched Ryan for a moment and then let out a shuddering breath. “I think you’ve already made that choice.” He turned and walked away, and Ryan didn’t try to stop him. There was nothing more to say. He watched Colin go, knowing the thought was absurd, but wondering if they’d ever have anything to say to each other again. “Ryan Lee Stiles...” Ryan forced himself not to growl at the superior tone. He simply stared at the place where Colin had disappeared, waiting as Deb’s heels clicked closer and closer. “You heard that, didn’t you?” Her smirk was evident in her tone. “Every word,” she said. The holier-than-though facade faltered and eventually fell away completely when she said, “I suppose neither of us get him.” She was the very last person Ryan wanted to talk to. “I’m sure that makes you happy,” he said then and started away, but Deb didn’t seem to take the hint. She kept up with him step for step. “You’d think.” He tried to ignore her, to step up his pace and just get away, but she wasn’t going anywhere. They were halfway across the ship when Deb spoke again. “Come with me,” she said, twisting her fingers into his sleeve and giving a sharp tug. “I need a stiff drink like no one’s business. I think you do, too.” “Actually,” Ryan said, not looking at her, trying to not even think of her, “I’m going to finish packing with Pat. My wife.” “Uh huh.” He could hear the smile around the words. She pulled on his sleeve again. “Come. We’re getting drunk.” “Deb–“ “Don’t “Deb” me. Don’t you dare.” The smile was gone as quickly as it had come, and Ryan let himself be pulled back the way they’d come until they found the ship’s bar. It was empty. The bartender himself was escorting the last two patrons out the door, hand already poised on the lock. “I’m sorry,” he said, smiling politely at Ryan and Deb. “We’re closed for the duration of the trip.” “No.” Deb frowned. She stared at him a moment and then abruptly turned to Ryan. “Give him some money.” “What?” Ryan managed to ask around a laugh. “Money. Now.” She snapped her fingers three times in quick succession inches from his face. She looked back to the bartender just as Ryan was reaching for his wallet. “Hundred dollars, American?” The bartended was staring at her with wide eyes, mouth hanging open. Deb nodded. “Hundred dollars,” she affirmed. “Ryan?” Ryan was still laughing, shaking his head as he flipped through bills. Eventually he pulled some out and held them up. “I have eighty.” “Good enough.” Deb snatched the money from his hand and shoved it toward the bartender. He stared at her. Deb didn’t even blink. She fluttered the bills and then pressed them to his chest. “Will this buy us a bottle of tequila?” “I...” The bartender finally took the money, smiling bemusedly. “Yeah, okay. Come on in.” Deb smirked at his retreating back before turning her gaze to Ryan once more. “Shall we?” Ryan shook his head again, smiling. “This had better be some damn good tequila.” Ten minutes and three shots later and Ryan still had no idea what he was doing there. Deb had been right when she’d suggested that getting a drink was an appealing prospect, but he couldn’t afford to get drunk, not when they’d be off the boat in less than two hours, and there was still packing to be done. “You have to love this stuff,” Deb said suddenly, refilling her glass with the amber liquor. “Goes straight to your blood.” She offered the bottle with raised eyebrows, and Ryan knew that he shouldn’t, but he held his glass out anyway. They clinked glasses and swallowed, both cringing as the liquor hit their throats. Ryan was a beer drinker, and Deb mostly enjoyed wine, so tequila was a bit vile for either of their palettes. The burning subsided and Ryan coughed into his fist. “Good stuff,” Deb said with only a slight slur. She refilled her glass yet again, but left it sitting on the table before her. Ryan watched her. She was staring down at the table, eyes glazed, though he doubted it had anything to do with the alcohol. “Deb?” “Mm?” She didn’t look up. “Why are we here?” “Drinking,” she said quietly. “But... don’t you hate me?” The question seemed to honestly confuse her. Deb met Ryan’s eyes, frowning. It took her a moment to respond, reaching across the table to lay her hand on his as she did. “This isn’t your fault, honey,” she said, giving his fingers a brief squeeze. “Colin and I... this has been a long time coming.” Ryan allowed himself a small smile, thinking the words applied so well to his own situation. “I think I understand that.” She smiled back, a sad acknowledgment, and then drew away, sitting back and taking up her glass once more, rolling it between her hands, the golden liquid shimmering in the dull light. Even now she was far more collected than Ryan would have expected, and he actually felt a surge of anger at Colin for putting her through the last few days. “Do you hate him?” She was still smiling down at her drink. “I could never.” She sighed and then threw back her head, downing the tequila in one swallow. “I’m angry,” she said once she’d replaced the glass on the table top, “but that won’t last. I think... for now... I want to try and be his friend.” Ryan grinned. “You two were good together.” Deb actually laughed. “Hell, we were great together.” She licked her lips, reached for the bottle, hesitating just inches from it. “But that’s over now.” Her hand dropped to the table, eyes on Ryan’s. “Time to move on. The question is: what are you going to do?” Ryan’s face darkened. “I have a family.” Deb snorted, shaking her head derisively. She picked the bottle up and refilled both their glasses. “That’s your decision?” “It is.” “Life is too short for regrets, darling. You have a once in a lifetime opportunity here. Don’t blow it.” Ryan couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going through her mind. “I’m not... I can’t give up my wife,” he said incredulously. “You think I’m giving up Colin?” Deb scoffed, gesturing at him with her glass, tequila sloshing over the sides. “If there’s one good thing that came out of this marriage... well, it would be Luke,” she said with a smile, “but if there were two, that second would be that I’ve made the best friend I will ever have.” She lifted the glass to her lips but didn’t drink. “A friend I’m not happy with right now,” she said softly. “But give me time. And if you don’t take him...” Her eyes lifted to Ryan’s and she downed her drink. “... I will find a way to get him back.” This conversation was bordering on insane. Ryan shook his head, unable to keep from grinning at her. “Wait. Do you want me to have an affair with Colin just so I’ll leave him and then you can pick up the pieces?” “Maybe.” Deb smirked and reached for the bottle yet again. Her fingers closed around the neck and the smile faltered. “I just want him to be happy.” Pat was sullen as they stepped back on land. Ryan had tried to cheer her up, tried to keep a smile on his face, but it kept fading. He would drift away, imagining Colin. He could see his face, they joy in his eyes as they’d played hide and seek, the lust illuminated by the moon when they’d lain together on the beach, naked and wet, the sorrow, the anger of their last goodbye. He’d gone to Colin’s cabin just as they were docking, but it had been empty. And Colin was right; this was no big deal. They would see each other in three weeks. Nothing had changed. If only he could convince himself of that. Well, if he couldn’t do that, then he could forget. Ryan walked side by side with his wife, one foot in front of the other. Just get to the information desk and phone a taxi. Get on the plane. Go home. See the kids. Ryan smiled. “I miss the kids,” he mused aloud. Pat smiled for the first time since stepping foot off the boat. “Me too.” She lay a hand on his arm and squeezed gently. “We’ll see them soon.” Just the thought of his children had Ryan almost forgetting the agony of the past twenty four hours, past twenty four years. He could see them in his mind’s eyes, their eyes lighting up at the sight of their parents, happy to see them home and safe. He couldn’t wait to scoop Claire into his arms again, to sit down and play video games with Sam or have a nice long talk with Mac as she went on and on about anything and everything that had happened while he was away. It had him suddenly giddy, and he grinned at Pat and said, “Let’s race.” She just smiled. “Sure, hon.” “Really?” “No, not really.” She shook her head, still grinning. “There are people here. We’ll run into someone, and besides, we’re not kids anymore.” “Colin would race.” The words slipped out before Ryan even realized he was thinking them. Pat scowled and turned away, facing front as they continued to walk. “I’m not Colin.” Ryan watched her. She seemed far away and he wondered if she was remembering all the things she’d come across over the past week. “I think you’ve been away from the stage too long,” she said quietly. Maybe that was true. Not too long ago he’d been burnt out on improv. He couldn’t wait to get home and stay home, hide away, let life calm down, but that didn’t last. He’d funded the Upfront Theatre and that had held him over, but even the club wasn’t enough these days. It wasn’t that he wanted to be in the public’s eye, far from it, but he missed his friends, Greg, Brad, Drew and of course Colin. He would get Colin at least. They could play, keep him sane. And he’d married Pat for a reason. He could go home to her every night, had been for the last 16 years. She would be enough. She had to be. “Just one race?” He was almost begging, but this was important. “Ryan...” “Come on!” He didn’t wait for an answer, didn’t expect one but took off anyway, praying that she would be right there behind him. He didn’t dare turn to look, just ran, suitcase thumping heavily against his thigh, causing him to stumble and swerve through the mass of people. He bumped into more than one person but never even paused to apologize, even at the yelp of pain when his suitcase jammed into a woman’s side. He dropped the case just inches from the information booth, throwing up both hands to rebound soundly off the desk. He heaved deep, erratic breaths, aiming a wild grin at the girl behind the desk, amused, no, thrilled at her wide eyes and down turned lips. “Ryan?” It came out on a laugh, and Ryan could only chuckle in return. He was still panting, cheeks flushed when he turned to his right and met Colin’s eyes. Colin looked to have been waiting patiently for his turn. He was smiling, and that made Ryan want to grab him and race some more, chase each other through the port until their legs gave out, and all they could do was collapse in exhaustion. “I didn’t expect to see you here.” Colin laughed, taking in Ryan’s near giddiness, feeling it rubbing off on himself in an instant. “Well, you know... taxi...” He waved his hand indistinctly. The clerk and her current clients were starting to lose interest. “Going to the airport?” “Yes.” “Wanna share?” Something in Colin’s gaze grew dark. He glanced over Ryan’s shoulder. “Where’s Pat?” “Oh.” Ryan finally dared a look back, but she was nowhere in sight. “We were racing.” “Looks like you lost her.” “Yeah...” Ryan licked his lips and turned back. Colin was still smiling at him, distant, off somehow. “Well, she, um... She didn’t want....” Colin watched him, listening dutifully. His adams apple bobbed as he swallowed, his eyes behind his glasses were dark and unreadable. His lips parted very slightly, soft pink against his skin. “Fuck. Col, let’s do it.” “Do...?” Colin blinked at him, brow furrowing in confusion for just a moment before realization dawned on his face. “No, Ryan,” he said. His eyes slid over to the people still half listening and then swallowed thickly, voice lowering to a near whisper. “God, no, we talked about this. I... You can’t. I can't.” “No, you don’t understand.” His hands darted out to grasp at Colin’s forearms, and Colin dropped his suitcase in surprise. He tried to extricate himself, but Ryan wasn’t letting go. He moved in close to say, “Deb. She told me... she...” But Colin was frowning now, shaking his head, not understanding, and Ryan had no words to make him understand, so he gave up and spoke the truth. “I’ve made my choice.” Hope sprung, small but insistent in Colin’s eyes, squashed almost immediately by doubt. “You don’t mean that.” And Ryan actually laughed. “You know,” he said, leaning in further until the tip of his nose bumped Colin’s cheek, “despite popular theory, you can’t read my mind.” Colin sucked in quick, uneven breaths, let out soft exhales that ghosted over Ryan’s mouth. “Please, Ryan,” he said. “Don’t do this.” Ryan just grinned wider, teeth flashing, an off balance chuckle wavering his voice. “I have to.” Ryan had no idea who moved first, but suddenly he was kissing Colin, and Colin was kissing him right back. Colin’s hands were in his hair, gripping his skull tight, holding him down so that Ryan couldn’t have been able to pull back even had he wanted to. Not that Ryan noticed. He was too busy fisting his hands in the back of Colin’s shirt, yanking him forward until they were crushed together. It was mindless desperation, hard, cruel passion, vented desire. Colin eventually loosened his grip, but Ryan still didn’t let up. He only pulled back enough to speak, mouth still resting against Colin’s. “I love you,” he said. Colin nodded wordlessly, eyes closed, throat working hypnotically. His lips were dark from the force of the kiss, and without a thought, Ryan lifted a hand to trace them with one fingertip. So much was at stake here. He was going to ruin his life for this man, but he could see no other option. He had said that he’d made his choice, but he wasn’t sure he had ever had a choice to begin with. “I’m going to tell Pat.” Colin opened his eyes. He studied Ryan, pupils tripping back and forth as he looked into his eyes, and then Colin’s gaze slid away, focusing on something just over Ryan’s shoulder. His hands fell to his sides. He tensed very slightly, but when he spoke, his voice remained calm. “I think she already knows.” Those words should have had Ryan cursing a blue streak, but on the contrary, he had never felt more collected in his life. He finally untangled himself from Colin, took a step back, and turned to face his wife. Tears shone brightly in her eyes, though her cheeks remained dry. Her lips were parted, breathing loud and ragged. Her eyes skipped from Ryan to Colin and then back to her husband, and she nodded. The slight movement seemed to break the fragile tension holding her together, and a tear slid down her cheek. Instinct had Ryan wanting, needing to go to her, hug her tight and tell her everything was going to be okay, but he could feel the heat of Colin’s body on his back, still so close, and stayed put. “I’m sorry,” Ryan said. “You’re sorry?” Pat laughed, weak and wet with tears. Her eyes squeezed shut, head falling back. “Oh, God... Oh my God...” Her head fell forward, and she buried her face in her hands, mumbling to herself through her fingers. “What... now what? What do I do? What am I supposed to do?” She was talking to herself, shutting Ryan out, but even still, Ryan knew he had to go to her. Colin was still so unsure, though, fine tremors through his body brushed his chest against Ryan’s back. Ryan spun on him, taking Colin’s cheeks between his palms, laying a quick kiss to his lips and ignoring Pat’s sudden sob to focus on the man before him. “I want you,” he said before drawing back to go to his wife. “Pat...” She was glaring at the ground now, knuckles going from pink to white as she gripped the handles of her suitcases and hoisted them up. She didn’t answer, didn’t even look up. “Pat...” Ryan said again, coming to stand before her and laying a hand on her shoulder. “...honey...” “Don’t touch me!” She screamed, jerking back and meeting his eyes. He’d never seen her look like that before, so full of pain and fury. “Don’t...” Her voice broke, fresh tears welling in her eyes. “Just don’t.” She let out a shuddering breath and then turned, walking away with stiff, jerky movements. Ryan watched as the crowd swallowed her. He could go after her. He should go after her, but he knew it would do no good. She needed time. There was a sharp sting behind his eyes, and Ryan knew he needed time, too. “You shouldn’t have done that.” Colin was right behind him again, not touching him, voice soft, strained. “No,” Ryan agreed. “I should have done it a long time ago.” There was a tickle at his elbow, and Ryan knew that Colin was there, toying with his sleeve, probably not even thinking about it, needing to touch even now, especially now. “Ryan?” Ryan turned to him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he recognized that they’d gained quite an audience, but he didn’t care. It was all he could do not to cry himself, and when he met Colin’s eyes, found the war of emotion, love and pain and hope and still so much disbelief, it only got harder. “Can I go home with you?” It sounded stupid in his head and even worse aloud. Colin didn’t call him on it, though, didn’t even think it. He searched Ryan’s eyes. “Yes. Of course.” And suddenly it was too hard to stand there alone. Ryan flung himself into Colin’s arms, squeezing him tightly. Colin slowly twined his arms around Ryan, hugging him back. “Now what?” Colin whispered into Ryan’s neck, echoing Pat’s words, but this time Ryan had an answer. “Now,” he said, drawing back, loving the fact that Colin kept him in a loose embrace, especially when he still looked so uncertain,”life goes on.” He moved to place a soft kiss on Colin’s lips. “I want mine to go on with you... if you’ll still have me.” Colin smiled and hugged Ryan tighter, any trace of doubt fading away. It softened the pain of Pat’s sudden departure, and Ryan knew then that he would never see anything as beautiful as Colin’s smile for the rest of his life. It still hurt, and a part of him wanted to curl up and sleep just so he didn’t have to think about it any longer, but that part was getting smaller, shrinking more with every second that Colin smiled at him. “Do you still want me?” Ryan asked, and he found he was smiling himself now. Colin laughed quietly. He ran one hand along Ryan’s jaw, coaxing him down, tilting his own face up to meet Ryan’s lips. “Always.” *** “Well it’s about time,” Greg said, folding his arms over his chest and snorting softly. He smiled, looking between Ryan and Colin. The others were grinning at them similarly, huddled around the small couch Ryan and Colin sat on in the green room. Ryan’s hand tightened around Colin’s. “I just thought you guys should know.” “So are you two, like, boyfriends now...?” Chip asked from the back of the group. Ryan looked to Colin, and Colin grinned. He turned to Chip and took it upon himself to say, “We’re friends.” Jeff laughed. “I think you have a twisted idea of what makes a friend.” That had them all laughing, all except Ryan and Colin. They just smiled. Brad took up a seat in an armchair facing the couch, watching Colin curiously. “You’re not going to want to do all your games together now, are you?” “Oh, Hell no!” Ryan laughed. He was toying with Colin’s fingers. “We’ll do enough of that at home. Definitely want to mix it up.” “So... you’re living together?” Colin and Ryan looked to each other again. “We will be,” Ryan said, slowly pulling his gaze away to look around at the others. He picked up Colin’s hand and laid it in his lap, thumb rubbing small circles over the soft skin of his palm. “We’re working on it.” Eventually conversation moved to different topics once it became obvious that Ryan and Colin were still the same men the group had always known. It was Jeff that realized the time, jokingly demanding that they get to the dressing room to don their microphones and get backstage. Colin lingered as everyone left, and Ryan waited for him, watching him. When they were alone, Colin asked, “Are you okay?” Ryan smiled and stood. “Are you ever going to stop asking me that?” “I’m not the one who was kicked out of his house.” Possibly not the best thing to say, but Ryan just continued to smile down at him and extended one hand. “I’m fine,” he insisted as Colin let himself be pulled to his feet, “but I’d be more fine if you actually believed that.” “I do,” Colin said as Ryan pulled him close. He ran his fingers up Ryan’s chest, stopping to pick at a loose thread sticking out of the top button. “But I’m allowed to worry about you.” Ryan shrugged, sifting his fingers through Colin’s hair and then smoothing it back. “At least my kids are talking to me.” Colin’s smile dropped. “Point.” “Oh no, no, I didn’t mean it like that.” “No, it’s okay. I know.” Colin hurriedly smiled again and lifted his arms to wrap around Ryan’s neck, staring up into his eyes. Ryan grinned back, hugging Colin tight to him, brushing his nose against Colin’s. “We fucked up, didn’t we?” “Yes.” Colin grinned wider. “But I’m glad.” “We should have done this such a long time ago.” “No regrets.” Colin pecked Ryan on the lips, laughing and pulling away when Ryan tried to deepen the kiss. “Not right now. We have a show to do.” Ryan nodded, trying very hard to hide a wicked smile. Colin just shook his head. “Ryan...” “You know,” Ryan said, closing the distance between them, still fighting to keep a straight face, “I do like the idea of you being all hot and bothered throughout the show...” “Do you now?” “Mm...” “Well then you’d better kiss me.” “I don’t know...” Ryan flashed a cheeky grin and dropped a kiss on the tip of Colin’s nose. “Maybe I should make you wait.” “Fuck that,” Colin growled. “I’ve been waiting for twenty five years.” “Language,” Ryan admonished, or tried to rather, but Colin lunged forward halfway through the word to capture Ryan’s lips in a searing kiss, driving his tongue into Ryan’s mouth, pushing them back until Ryan bumped into the wall. A moment later he pulled back, grinning, flushed and licking his lips. “Now who’s hot and bothered?” He laughed, skipping out of reach when Ryan made to pull him back. “You’re going to pay for that.” Colin smiled, eyes shining in the fluorescent lights. He paused long enough to let himself be caught. “I look forward to it.” End