Title: Ridiculous Rating: PG Pairing: Ryan/Colin Summary: Colin reflects on Ryan, the universe, and everything. Disclaimer: Okay, so they're real people and own themselves...this isn't meant to be offensive or to imply anything about the real Colin Mochrie and Ryan Stiles. Anything. At all. Honest. ~~ It's ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. We aren't kids anymore. His back is shot to hell, I've got bad knees. We both make loud creaking noises when we get out of bed...or off a couch...or a chair... And we still go at it like teenagers. Don't get me wrong - nothing athletic or fancy here, not anymore. This many years after the first time, the danger and creativity have kind of worn off. We're boring. Vanilla. But still utterly desperate for touch. I have never quite understood our need on that front. I know there's nothing lacking in my normal sex life - Deb's amazing, always has been. And I know there's nothing wrong with his. So why is it that every time we touch we can't stop? Why is it that when he reaches out and holds me, I never want him to let go? He says its because we're in love. Really, truly, honestly in love. But that can't be all, can it, when I know without a doubt that I'm in love with her. I've always known that. That's why I married her; no matter what people say sometimes, ours isn't a marriage of convenience. So why is Ryan more necessary to me than breathing? And that isn't exaggeration, or the ridiculousness that's made me famous. I sincerely wouldn't know quite what to do in a world that didn't have Ryan Stiles' goofy feet wandering around somewhere. We don't even talk that much. If I call, he usually doesn't call back. On the rare occassions he does, they're short conversations. It isn't that we have nothing to say - quite the contrary, when we're together we can't shut up. We just aren't any good at phone conversation, because over a phone there is no body to touch. Maybe that proves, if nothing else, that we're both distinctly male - because we can't have a conversation without touching, because a couple hours alone says more than days of unending conversation would. I dunno. I just...it's just who we are. It still doesn't resolve my dilemma. I crave his touch like an addict, counting down moments between our too-rare tours together now that Whose Line has ended, seemingly forever. I wish he weren't so damn scared of planes. I wish he didn't have to take a plane to see me. I wish...sometimes I just wish things had been different, with him and me. Not that I'd give up Deb and Luke for anything. But I feel like I missed something with Ryan that could have been so much more. Maybe that's why, when we're together, I cling to him like he's my lifeboat, kiss him like I'll never see him again. Because if I don't, I won't have chosen to miss something wonderful - I'll have never even realized the possibility existed. Possibility of what? I'm not even making sense now. It's just that sometimes, on stage or in each other's arms, he and I fall into that amazing, impossible harmony. I know his thoughts like I know my own, I can feel how much he needs. And when I feel that, realize how deep that connection goes, I get the shakes, because it's so far above the normal experience of a human being. It's the difference between being one person trapped alone in a carbon-and-water body and being a heart soaring along with the only thing that matters in the universe for company. It's solid and real for those few wondrous moments... And then it's over, the buzzer sounds or he says something to break our little crystal tie, and I'm alone in my own soul again. That's why we still cling and make love with fumbling hands and almost embarrassing speed. Because the human mind wasn't made to experience that, but it was made to long for it. So every part of parcel of both our souls cry out for the touch of the Other who makes everything right... Or maybe it's like he says - maybe I'm a drama queen and I'm really just in love with him. ~Fin.