Pure Snow A flurry of white powder gently danced down from the heavens, covering the sleepy town in a soft, cold blanket. A pair of liquid aqua eyes, belonging to a tall, blonde man, squinted through the downy flakes as they tried focusing on the icy path ahead. “Damn sun. This glare is killing me. If I slip and hurt my back again, I swear. . .” His thoughts trailed off as a sudden gust of frigid air blew past him. Shivering, the man wrapped his coat closer to his lanky frame and let off a sigh which faded white up to the sky. “You okay Ry?” a voice asked as a hand was placed on the tall man’s shoulder. He turned to meet two chocolate brown eyes and a concerned face. The two improvisers had decided to investigate their new surroundings, having just arrived the night before, while the rest of the group opted to hang out at the hotel. It had actually been Colin’s idea to do the sightseeing and at his request Ryan hadn’t the heart to deny him. “Yeah Col, I was really looking forward to freezing to death before the show tonight.” He smiled as the second man rolled his eyes, muttering “Smartass” before turning his gaze back toward the store windows. Ryan’s gaze lingered on his best friend. While he teased him outwardly, the concern Colin always showed for others never failed to touch Ryan. Those kind brown eyes and smile filled the space in the blonde’s head, his body growing warmer at new thoughts. Thoughts of pressing the shorter man to the wall, kissing the flakes off his cheeks and crushing the Canadian’s pale lips against his own. Then his hands would... “Stop it! You can’t keep thinking like this!” he harshly scolded himself. He forced his eyes to look at something, anything other than Colin. Luckily, a group of people had just left one of the shops and was heading right for the pair. Ryan allowed himself to be jostled by the passing strangers, desperately trying to slow his racing heartbeat. Why was he finding himself more and more distracted? The feelings Ryan held for Colin had been a part of the taller man’s life for so long he was used to ignoring them, but lately they had been bubbling to the surface in lurid dreams and fantasies, even to the point of spilling out during the improv shows. Just last night Ryan had turned a scene with Colin about plumbing into a complete smut show without even realizing it. Only after the crowd had gone wild and Colin had covered his eyes with embarrassment had Ryan acknowledged his words and actions. Grinning sheepishly, he’d muttered an apology and remained intently focused on the remaining games. After the show, Ryan suffered a barrage of snide remarks from the guys before offering a joke about missing his wife and faking tiredness so he could escape to the room he and Colin were, unfortunately for Ryan, sharing. The dreams had been pretty interesting that night though. “Hey, what do you think of these?” Ryan snapped out of his reverie and faced Colin again. The crowd was gone and the Canadian had moved closer to a display window. Inside, a set of crystalline objects sat shimmering in the sunlight “Oh Col, I’m touched, but it’s not my birthday for months.” “Ha ha. I’m talking about for Deb, for Christmas.” “Oh. They’re really nice, I’m sure she’ll love them” he replied, slipping back into his ‘happy for you’ tone. The one he used whenever Colin mentioned his wife. The one he’d developed years ago and was careful to control. Despite how well the two knew each other, Colin had never realized that this voice was actually masked jealousy and pain. Sometimes Ryan couldn’t even believe how well he pulled it off, and no matter his mood Colin never seemed to notice. “Yeah, I think I’ll get them. You coming in?” Ryan shook his head. “I’m used to the cold now, no point in warming up then coming out again.” Colin nodded his agreement and entered the shop while Ryan walked a bit further ahead, still window-shopping. A clothing store caught his eye and soon the tall man was admiring a line of winter casual wear. His eyes traveled from one piece to the next before stopping on a shimmery turquoise-green sweater. “That would look so good on Col” he thought, his eyes growing dreamy. “He loves green and this would be the perfect size for his frame. I have to get it.” With this decision made, Ryan quickly entered the store, purchased the sweater and was back outside before Colin. When the Canadian did return to the street, he grinned puzzledly at Ryan. “You bought something in the short space of time that I was buying something?” Ryan just shrugged, trying to change the subject. “What happened to your gift?” he asked, noticing Colin was empty-handed. “They were out of stock, a new shipment’s coming tomorrow.” He paused and grinned at Ryan again. “What about you not wanting to get warm and cold again?” “What can I say, it was a ‘had-to-have’ moment” Ryan said, feeling foolish. “He must think I’m such an idiot” he chastised himself mentally as Colin, still giving him an odd smile, faced forward and the two started walking once more. “Why can’t I control myself anymore? I already have a present for him for God’s sake! What is wrong with me? Why did I have to fall in love with my best friend?” This last thought was more a pitiful cry for answers from the heavens above than anything, though Ryan knew by now none would ever come. There was nothing he could do, everyone could laugh at him if they wanted but the cruel truth remained the same: Ryan was in love with the one person who would never have him. The feeling of warmth that had surged through his blood earlier was replaced by a knot in his stomach. Perhaps it was this time of year that was affecting the tall improviser, for he had first met his friend during winter. After another night of performing at a sleazy strip club, a young Ryan and a young Colin had found themselves to be bar-mates. There was something about the extremely shy man which had appealed to Ryan, forcing him to keep talking until the slightly older Canadian had at last opened up. At first Ryan merely brushed it off as their shared interest in comedy and improv but there was no denying the lurch he felt in his stomach whenever he was rewarded with a dimpled grin or a kind look. And after the two had walked outside together that night and Ryan caught his first glimpse of his best friend beneath the winter moonlight, cheeks rosy from the cold and snowflakes caught upon his eyelashes, that he knew it was love. Sure, he was with Pat and the two of them were developing an important relationship, but for the first time the taller man had discovered that the passion he felt for his future wife would never be as strong for his passion for his best friend. Over time he tried to discern if Colin would ever return his feelings but it didn’t take too long for Ryan to recognize the heart-wrenching truth: Colin would never see Ryan as anything but a close friend. His suspicions were confirmed on the fateful day Colin met Deb, as Ryan saw his remaining hope being torn away. It was at this point in time that Ryan developed his ‘happy-for-you’ voice. “Are you coming?” Ryan once more was brought back to reality by the voice of Colin only to realize he was standing in front of the hotel. Colin, holding the door open, was peering intently at him. Feeling himself flush despite the cold, Ryan hurriedly made for the lobby. “Are you sure you’re all right?” Colin asked once they were both inside, trying to look Ryan in the eye. The taller man deftly avoided him and called for the elevator. “Yeah, just thinking. It’s been a while since I’ve been home” he lied. Colin, still looking unsure, finally nodded. “I know what you mean. I really miss them too.” The elevator arrived at this time and the two entered. Ryan was spared having to comment by the loud rock music blaring from the speakers. Finally the pair reached their room and entered, Ryan collapsing on his bed and Colin checking the phone. “One message.” He paused and after a moment rapidly dialed a number. “Hey sweetie!” Ryan buried his face in his pillow, inwardly groaning. He hated when Colin got on the phone with his wife after weeks on the road, not only was it awkward to listen too but Ryan always felt guilty for being with Colin all the time while she couldn’t. Ryan truly cared about Deb as a friend and loathed the part of himself that wished he didn’t. It would destroy them both if something happened to the other. “The mask of friendship is a heavy burden” Ryan absent-mindedly thought, not really sure where he had heard the quote before but not really caring either. Across the room Colin chuckled at something said on the other end. Ryan didn’t think he could take much more of this, especially today. He rose, mouthed ‘shower’ to Colin, and entered the bathroom. Quickly disrobing, the lanky improviser let the hot water pour over his body, melting away the snow and coldness of the day. “But it can’t wash away the coldness inside you” a cruel voice taunted from inside. “You want him, you’d do anything to get him, even take him away from the ones he loved most-“ ”No!” he mentally screamed at the first voice, his wet hands gripping the sides of the stall. “I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t hurt him-“ ”-it’s all about what YOU want, and YOU want HIM-“ ”-I WOULDN’T HURT HIM-“ ”-you already lie to him on a regular basis, just think how much you’d lie if it would help you get him-“ ”Nooo” Ryan moaned, sliding down till he was sitting on the floor of the shower, his head in his hands. “Make it stop, go away” He reached up and shut the water off, then vaguely wondered why he still felt hot moisture near his eyes. It took him another moment to realize it was his own tears. “Why are you the only one I can’t be with?” His breath was heavy as he desperately tried to keep from sobbing, knowing he’d die if Colin ever discovered what was happening. While it wasn’t too uncommon for Ryan to break down from time to time, he’d never done it while so close to his best friend before. “Just stop, just stop right now” he whispered, eyes tightly closed and palms flat against the slippery bathroom tile while he tried to get a grip on his emotions. It took a while but eventually the pain subsided, like it always did, and shakily the lanky man rose to his feet and smothered his face in a towel. Once convinced the evidence of his ‘episode’ (as he bitterly referred to them) was gone, the improviser faced the mirror and saw a tired, red-eyed shell of a man looking back. “The fans would love to see this” he thought, remembering the show they had tonight. “Col too, I bet he’d love to be with a complete zombie.” Steadying himself, Ryan dressed and, with one final reassuring breath, walked back into the bedroom. Colin, who’d been lying on the bed, jumped up and for a second Ryan was terrified thinking he’d been heard. But the shorter man merely walked by him toward the bathroom “A shower sounded like a good idea” he called as the door closed. After waiting a few minutes, when he was sure Colin wasn’t coming out, Ryan went to his bag and reached for the very bottom. After a few seconds of struggling he’d found what he wanted and pulled out a wrinkled picture. Ryan flopped upon his bed again and allowed his aqua-green eyes to observe the memory. A familiar young Canadian improviser smiled up at him, his arm around a younger Ryan. Once more the tall man’s heart fluttered as he took solace in the photo, taken right before his heart had been crushed. It was one of the only times he could remember being truly happy. He sighed, knowing it was foolish and torturous trying to live in the past, wishing to return to a time long gone. “But you’ve always been a fool” the same nasty voice whispered in the back of the blonde’s mind. “Shut up!” Ryan’s large hands clenched, as if he meant to do physical battle, but for once the voice obeyed and said nothing else. From the bathroom the sound of the flowing water halted and Ryan jumped. Quickly he flew to the bag where he crammed his treasure back to the bottom, then flung himself on the bed and flipped on the TV. By the time Colin reappeared, the blonde man was chuckling and relaxed, leaving not a clue to his true emotions. A flurry of white powder gently danced down from the heavens, covering the sleepy town in a soft, cold blanket. A pair of liquid aqua eyes, belonging to a tall, blonde man, squinted through the downy flakes as they tried focusing on the icy path ahead. “Damn sun. This glare is killing me. If I slip . . . Colin will catch me.” Ryan snuck a glance at his best friend, who was walking beside him and looking around as he tried to get his bearings. Last night’s show had been another killer for Ryan. He and Col had done ‘Moving People’ and the audience members had seen fit to leave them hugging for most of the scene. Ryan had played ‘annoyed’, as he does so well, but secretly he never wanted the game to end. Being in Colin’s arms was the most wonderful feeling, so warm and natural, as if the two were designed to fit together. Ryan cast his eyes upon the ground, searching for an icy patch. A few yards ahead one appeared and Ryan held his breath as they drew closer and closer. “It’s only ten steps away. Six steps. Three steps. One step.” Ryan lifted his foot and froze. “What am I doing? This is ridiculous. I could seriously hurt myself or Colin! God, I’m so stupid.” He stepped over the ice patch and kept walking, Colin never having noticed any hesitation. They reached the store from yesterday and Colin entered as Ryan once again opted to remain outside. Thoroughly disgusted with himself, Ryan leaned against the side of the building, his head hung in shame. “Why am I such an idiot?” he thought miserably. The familiar stinging sensation alerted Ryan to the fact he was crying and he desperately tried to dry his eyes with his gloved hands. “I’m so pathetic, I hate this-“ ”Hey Ry, I got them, they’re real beau . . . Ryan? What’s the matter, what’s wrong?” Saying every curse he could mentally, the taller man turned from his companion and harshly scrubbed his face. “It’s nothing Col, this wind was just stinging my eyes . . .” “Well, then turn around and let me see you.” Ryan felt that familiar grip on his shoulders and allowed himself to be turned. He almost didn’t regret crying if he got to see Colin look at him with those concerned eyes, full of warmth and love. “Are you sure it was just the cold that . . .” He broke off, looking unsure of how to continue. “Well, add that to all this time on the road with little sleep and so much performing and I’m sure my natural defenses are a little weakened” he said calmly, cracking a grin. But for the first time, Ryan gave his performance hoping Colin would see through it, hoping he would realize Ryan was being falsely brave about something and demand he talk to him. But Colin searched his face before sighing and letting go. “I guess you’re right. You have been moaning and rolling around in your sleep a lot.” “I-I have?” Ryan asked, nervous about this new information. “Uh huh. I can’t make out most what you’re saying but it doesn’t seem like you’re getting the rest you need. I’ve been meaning to say something to you about it” “Well, thanks buddy. Knowing you’re looking out for me is gonna help me sleep like a baby tonight.” Colin just gave him one of his looks, shook his head and smiled. “Thanks for mocking my concern, ya jerk.” Ryan stuck out his tongue at him. “Fine, if you’re gonna be like that I won’t give you your present.” Colin made like he was going to leave. “Present?” Ryan reached out and wrapped his arms around Colin’s middle. “I think I’ll be needing to have that before I can let you go.” “Fine, it’s yours, just get off me!” Colin reached into the pocket of his long coat and thrust a wrapped package over his shoulder before Ryan promptly released his prisoner. He ripped off the packaging to find a leather bound book and upon opening it saw only empty pages. “It’s a journal” Colin told him. “I know you must have a lot on your mind and sometimes it’s hard to sort everything out without writing it all down first. You can, you know, make lists of things to do, write angry letters to people you hate that you’d never send, whatever.” “Oh, Col, I don’t know what to say. Thank you so much.” Ryan smiled at his best friend, truly touched. “Hey, it’s our anniversary” Colin said with a smile. Ryan narrowed his eyes in confusion. “What?” “You know, of when we first met. It was snowy and I realized I’d found the best friend I’d ever have” Colin said shyly, his dimpled cheeks tinting pink. Ryan’s heart leaped from his chest and he threw himself at the Canadian. “You’re the best friend anyone would be lucky to have, and I know that’s true!” he said from their bone-crushing hug. After realizing they needed to breathe the two best friends released each other and smiled. “Besides, “Colin said, looking innocently at the ground, “if you start writing your thoughts in it, I won’t have to hear you shout ‘I love you so much, come to me, more, more’ in your sleep again.” Ryan froze, all the blood draining from his face.” “Wha-wha” he croaked. “You heard wha . . .” Colin looked up at him, a look of surprise bewitching his features. “I was just kidding, Ry, I didn’t really think you were . . . ” Ryan continued staring at him, unable to respond. Colin suddenly got an impish gleam in his chocolate eyes. “So, who’s it been lately, Carol Channing or Drew Carey? Come on, you can tell me.” This snapped Ryan back to reality as his face grew intensely red. He shot daggers at Colin. “You’re dead.” That was all it took for Colin to run down the sidewalk as fast as he could, shopping bag swinging wildly at his side. Ryan took off too, his new journal clutched tightly in his hand. He knew even if Colin avoided him for the rest of the day, he would definitely pay tonight at the show.