Title: A Place Where We Belong. Pairing: Ryan/Colin Rating: R Summary: Colin has a surprise guest. Disclaimer: I am not affiliated with WL, I don't own or know Ry/Col, this is purely fiction, I make no profits. Note: The "umbrella" title, A Place Where We Belong, is from an Air Supply song of the same name (don't own them, either). Listening to them reminds me of R/C. Don't ask. :) A Place Where We Belong By: Air Supply I'm just a wandering gypsy I'll sing for you tonight And when the seats are empty I'll turn and walk into my spotlight And I'll be in the place where I belong For who will tell the story Except someone like me Of tragedy and glory Of lovers as they walk so blindly And try to find a place where they belong We all must find a place where we belong Everybody knows me Everyone shows me And I'll be here when you have gone For the road to carry on We all must find a place where we belong If destiny has spoken If finally the dawn has broken We all must find a place where we belong I'm just a wandering gypsy I've sung for you tonight And now the seats are empty I'll turn and walk into my spotlight And I'll be in the place where I belong Part One: I'll Be Around They’d known each other for over twenty-five years, and Colin knew how Ryan could be. Ryan had a temperament that could be more than a little unstable. Colin knew Ryan was hysterically funny, kind and charming, but Colin also knew that Ryan had an extraordinarily quick temper, accompanied by an acid tongue and a tendency to turn his back on the other person’s side of the argument and stalk off like a petulant teenager. Ryan was lovable, sweet and loyal, but stubborn and moody with a penchant for shutting people out. They’d known each other for over twenty-five years, and sometimes Colin still had no idea what Ryan was thinking. Especially now, when he’d been trying to get in touch with the younger man for weeks with no success. It had been quite a while since the two men had seen each other. Months, which was long enough as far as Colin was concerned. Ryan was, after all, one of his best friends. They had done a Night of Improv together earlier in the year, but since then had lost contact. Being on opposite coasts hadn’t helped the situation, but Colin never expected them to go this long without at least talking on the phone. Now, on a break from his tour with Brad, Colin had toyed with the idea of getting on a plane and showing up at Ryan’s door. After thinking it through, he decided that was probably a bad idea, considering Ryan’s wife and children. So Colin waited, calling and leaving messages for Ryan every couple of days. Things had been particularly hard for Colin over the last few months. He found himself living as a bachelor again, after his absenteeism due to touring had brought some underlying marital issues to a head and he and Deb had decided separate. The house was very quiet, with Deb and Luke staying at Deb’s parents’. Colin missed Luke saying, “That was only funny the first time, dad.” Colin hadn’t been in a very joking mood lately. The irony of the current situation wasn’t funny to Colin, either. That irony was that now that he was alone in the house, his impending divorce looming closer, he had finally decided to take a break from the tour with Brad. He just didn’t feel like he could be funny, at the moment. He was frustrated with Ryan for not being there when he needed him, and stalked through the house angry every time he had to leave another answering machine message. Throughout his life, Colin had never met anyone who could make him as angry as Ryan could. While Colin’s own wife and son, or parents, could make him boiling mad, only Ryan could arouse the kind of ire in him that he felt after hanging up the phone yet again on Ryan’s answering machine. On this particular day, he had just called Ryan and opted not to leave a message, instead hanging up on Ryan’s machinated voice. Colin folded his arms across his chest and stalked to the couch, plopping down and flipping on the television, mumbling angrily. Colin was such a nurturer, such a giver; it was just in his nature. He was a strange paradox of shyness and gregariousness, humor and awkward silence. But in his heart he was a giving, caring individual. Not necessarily open or revealing about himself, but willing to do for others within reason, and willing to go above and beyond for his close friends. He was slow to anger, but tended to let his resentments fester. He knew he did this, and was slowly trying to break the bad habit. But Colin’s own personality traits made it even harder for him to understand Ryan. Not that Ryan wasn’t also a giving, caring person, but the only ongoing theme in Colin and Ryan’s fights over the years was Ryan’s recurrent selfishness. Colin had told Ryan on more than one occasion that he thought the younger man could care less about his feelings. Ryan always snorted in anger at that suggestion, but then resorted to his infamous back-turning, walking away routine. To which Colin would yell that Ryan had just proved him right. They always made up, of course. Both of them knew where they really stood with the other. They had been friends for too long, and it was a friendship that never would have lasted if they each hadn’t known how to ignore what annoyed them about the other. But now Colin was mad all over again; sitting on the couch and stewing over how selfish he thought Ryan was and wondering how he managed to put up with Ryan all these years. He tried to tell himself that he’d felt this way before, and that each time, he and Ryan had reconciled their differences. He told himself that he knew what kind of friend Ryan really was, and that if Ryan hadn’t contacted him yet, there must be a good reason. But what he said out loud, to the empty house, to the television set, was this: “If he doesn’t call me by tomorrow, I’m not talking to him again.” Colin knew he wasn’t in his normal frame of mind. Colin in his normal frame of mind wouldn’t drop a friend unless it was under very extraordinary circumstances, especially a friend of over two decades. But Colin also knew that he couldn’t sit around and go through another slow separation like the one he was going through with Deb. He didn’t have a problem equating his friendship with Ryan to his marriage to Deb. They were the two people he loved most in the world, with the exception of his son. Colin grunted, lying back onto the couch, the television still flickering, remote on his chest. He closed his eyes. Colin was dreaming that he was on tour again, only he was touring with Ryan in his dream, instead of Brad. They were onstage, doing a game of Props. Colin kept trying to make the audience laugh with his prop, but for some reason Ryan had these castanets and kept clinking them together every time Colin tried to speak. In his dream, Colin was getting angry, and the constant tapping of the castanets would not stop. Colin was glaring at Ryan, feeling the agitation build from his stomach to his jaw as he got ready to yell. Suddenly, his eyes popped open, but the noise didn’t stop. Someone was at the door. Colin groaned, shutting the television as he rose from the couch and went to open the door and end this intruding racket. He thought maybe it was Deb. He hoped that if it was her, it would be Luke, as well. Colin opened the door expecting to make eye contact. He didn’t expect to have to look up to do it. He looked up into the grinning, sparkling-eyed face of Ryan, which was the last face he expected to see. Colin almost gasped. He did gasp when Ryan grabbed his shoulders firmly and leaned in to leave a playful smack of a kiss on Colin’s cheek. “Ryan! What the hell are you doing here?” Colin hoped he didn’t sound too ungrateful, but he thought he might die of shock. Ryan didn’t fly if he could possibly help it. “You don’t fly. How the hell did you get here?” “Geez, Col! What? Is this a bad time or something? No hi how ya doing; no come on in? I travel across the country, entrusting my life to an extremely heavy piece of metal that has no business being that high up in the air without a safety net, to be greeted with this?” Colin stared. “No, I mean, come on in,” he amended, stepping to the side to allow Ryan, and Ryan’s suitcase, through the door. “But, really. I mean, I’ve been calling you forever.” “Yeah, I know. Obviously I didn’t get the last few ‘cause I was traveling. And to answer your question, of what the hell I’m doing here… I’m here to see you. I would have been here sooner, but I didn’t do the flight in one shot. I took kind of a mini-vacation along the way, staying at hotels and stuff. Sightseeing. Trying to unwind from the flights. By drinking. A lot.” Ryan laughed, his eyes sparkling even more. Colin didn’t say anything, so Ryan continued, amused by the dumbfounded look on his old friend’s face. “Listen, I really wanted to see you. I got your message about you and Deb and I thought it was worth getting on the plane to come out here. I mean, I’m really sorry to hear about Deb, Colin.” “Thanks,” was all Colin could offer, cotton-mouthed at thinking of his situation. “Also, I didn’t want to get the Ryan-is-selfish speech again,” Ryan deadpanned. “Aah,” Colin finally cracked a smile. “The underlying ulterior motive. I knew it would eventually come out.” “Hey, you’ve known me too long. So, can I come any further into your house or….” Ryan shrugged questioningly. Colin finally seemed to come alive for the first time since Ryan got there. “Sure! Oh, definitely, come in!” Colin grabbed Ryan’s jacket and suitcase and put them on the landing. “We can bring these up to the spare bedroom later. Come in and sit. You thirsty?” Ryan sat on a tall chair at the bar that ran down the center of the kitchen. He smiled as Colin went behind the counter to open the fridge. “Beer?” Ryan offered. “Sure.” Colin cracked a bottle open for his friend and poured some wine for himself before seating himself next to Ryan. The two were quiet for a short while, able to sit and enjoy silent companionship. But Ryan was having a hard time not staring at Colin, and the younger man leaned in slightly, trying to study Colin’s face. Colin finally turned his head to look at Ryan. “What are you doing? Because it’s freaking me out.” “Nothing. Nothing. Just, I wanted to see if you were, you know, OK.” “Well,” Colin began, again looking straight ahead, pushing his glass away. “Things pretty much suck, if you want to know the truth. It’s mostly my fault, too, being away as much as I’ve been. If I’d been around to work things out, maybe we could have worked things out.” “You’re around now,” Ryan said gently. Colin shrugged. “I think it’s irreconcilable, at this point.” “Oh. Why, Col?” Colin shrugged again, silent. Then he said, “Can we talk about this later?” “Sure,” Ryan replied. They got quiet again, sipping their drinks. Ryan put his hand on Colin’s shoulder briefly, and Colin half-smiled at him. “So, how long you gonna be around for?” Colin asked. Ryan grinned. “How long is it gonna take for you to tell me the rest of the story?” Colin couldn’t help but return the smile. This was the close friendship with Ryan that he’d known for so long. It was a kind of friendship that was rare between two men, and he’d never had another friendship like it. The anger of before was forgotten. “So it’ll be a while?” “Well, I guess so,” Ryan replied. “OK. Well, I’m going to go get the room ready. You can come up or stay here. Hey, I don’t have to tell you. You know this is your home, too.” Colin smiled again, sliding off the seat and heading towards the stairs. “Great,” Ryan replied. “I’ll be up to fart under your covers in a minute.” Ryan giggled as Colin rolled his eyes and went upstairs. Part two: The Beginning of a Secret Ryan had been there for a week. Colin was really enjoying having his old friend around, but he tried to let Ryan know that he didn’t have to stay. Ryan didn’t seem all that concerned with Pat and the kids, saying they’d understand. Ryan had told them where he was going to be, and they didn’t expect him back right away. Meanwhile, the two were having a great time. It had been ages since they’d spent leisure time together. They played poker, watched old movies, drank a lot of beer. They hung out, talking, making each other laugh. Colin remembered how great it was to crack Ryan up. Ryan had never forgotten how much fun it was to crack up Colin. Colin’s doe eyes would sparkle; his mouth tightening as he tried not to laugh, and then he would inevitably laugh. It was easier to get Colin to crack up one on one than it had been when they were onstage. Ryan always admired that Colin was such a professional, rarely breaking up when they were performing. After a week, the beer ran out, and so did most of the food in the house. “I need to grocery shop. Part of my new single lifestyle. You coming or staying?” Colin asked Ryan. Ryan studied Colin’s face for a minute. It was Ryan’s first instinct to crack a joke, but he didn’t. Instead, he nodded. “I’ll go with you. I don’t want to stay here by myself. And you know what? I’ll drive. We can take my rental.” “Wow. OK. This is a good deal. Agree to push the cart, and you’re in.” Ryan nodded, glad to hear Colin’s humor. Colin had been shopping with Ryan before, when their families visited each other. He found it akin to shopping with a child. Now, Colin could tell that Ryan was working extra hard to make sure Colin laughed. That made the shopping even more difficult. “Ryan. Ryan!” Colin tried to get Ryan’s attention, putting a hand on the man’s arm. Ryan turned his playful stare on Colin. “Calm down, buddy. You’re making me crazy. I’m fine. You don’t have to make me laugh every second. And anyway, I’m going to kill you if you don’t stop this attention deficit, spasmodic gorilla….routine.” The corners of Ryan’s eyes crinkled, and he pinched the bridge of his nose, shoulders hunched and shaking as he quietly cracked up. “Spasmodic gorilla?” “It’s what came to mind,” Colin defended, grabbing the cart from Ryan and continuing down the aisle. “Colin, how come we don’t improv together anymore?” Ryan asked, following the older man, running his hand along the shelf. A can thudded to the floor, and Colin’s head turned. Ryan grinned sheepishly, bending to pick up the offending object. “Sorry.” Colin returned to searching for a selected item, and shrugged. “Well, you’re across the country and we’ve both been busy with…family…and it just hasn’t been very convenient, I guess. Hey, we just did that Night of Improv thing.” “Yeah, but I mean me and you. I miss doing improv with you. Well, as much as I can miss doing improv.” “I know. I was wondering why you’d even ask. I thought you had improv burnout.” “I do. But it would be kinda cool to get back up there. Maybe for just a couple shows. You’re the only person I’d do it with.” Colin smiled to himself. “Yeah. Well, you never know. It could happen someday.” They finally checked out and got the groceries to the car, where Colin popped the trunk. Ryan was clearing out the back seat. “Hey, Ry, come here for a second,” Colin called. Ryan raised his head, smacking it on the ceiling, and cursed, drawing himself slowly out of the car. “I thought we were gonna put this stuff in the back seat,” Ryan replied, going over to Colin. “There’s no room in the trunk.” “Yeah, I can see that,” Colin said. The two men stood looking at the open trunk, which was packed end to end with a couple of full duffel bags, and a suitcase. “What is this? You finally decided to dismember the bodies?” Ryan grinned. “Nah. Just I didn’t know how long I’d be around for, so I thought I’d better be prepared.” “For what? Nuclear fallout?” “Hey. You never know, with the way the world is today,” Ryan countered. Ryan waited for Colin to ask another question, but Colin seemed to take his explanation at face value, and closed the trunk. Colin shook his head. “You’re very weird. And every time I think I know you, you get weirder.” “Keeps you on your toes,” Ryan replied, shoving the grocery bags into the back seat. Colin didn’t say anything else about the bags in the trunk, but he glanced at Ryan as they drove back to the house. He’d known the man long enough to know that something was up, though what it was Colin had no idea. He wondered what Ryan was hiding from him, and why. He also thought it was strange that Ryan hadn’t called Pat in a week. “Hey, Ry?” Colin began. “You going to call Pat tonight? I wouldn’t mind saying hello. Maybe I can ask if she’s talked to Deb at all.” Ryan cleared his throat. “I wasn’t going to call tonight, Col. I think Mckenzie and Pat have something to do.” “Oh. Maybe tomorrow, then?” Ryan took his eyes from the road to glance at Colin pointedly. “Stop it, Col.” “Stop what?” Colin let his eyebrows raise in mock innocence. He saw Ryan’s jaw tighten. That Stiles temper was coming to the surface. Ryan had a very low tolerance for bullshit, and it only stretched a little for Colin because they were such good friends. Still, it could only go so far. “Stop digging. I can tell what you’re trying to do, I’m not stupid.” Colin swallowed and looked straight ahead. “I never said you were stupid, Ryan.” “Well. Stop.” “I just think it’s weird that you haven’t called Pat in a week.” “And I think it’s weird that you aren’t trying to work things out with your wife,” Ryan said in a voice that indicated the discussion was over. Colin glanced over at Ryan again, seeing the muscles in the man’s jaw working as he ground his teeth. When they got back to the house, Ryan complained of his back acting up and went to lay down in the guest bedroom, leaving Colin to put the groceries away. When he was finished, Colin went to the guest room, where the door was open. He stood looking at Ryan, who was prostrate on the bed with an arm draped over his eyes. “Ryan?” The arm lifted up. Ryan peered at him warily. “How’s your back?” “It’s alright,” Ryan replied. “I’m sorry for before. Obviously whatever’s going on with you and Pat is none of my business.” Ryan sat up, lowering his eyes. “Yeah,” he grumbled, never good with apologies. “I’m sorry too. It doesn’t matter. I would’ve told you eventually.” Colin entered the room tentatively. “Told me what? About the bodies in your trunk?” Ryan laughed hoarsely. “Nah. That would almost be easier. I would’ve eventually told you that Pat threw me out.” Part Three: Disclosing the Truth Colin’s eyes widened and he dropped heavily onto the edge of the bed. “What?” he cried dubiously. “What do you mean? What happened?” Ryan met his eyes. “She kicked me out of the house, Colin.” “I…I’m sorry, Ryan. I don’t know what to say. I mean, I had no idea you guys were having problems.” “Well, nobody did. It’s OK.” The two friends sat in silence for several minutes. “I have to tell you something,” Colin finally said. “The rest of the story that I didn’t tell you when you got here.” Ryan looked up, eyebrows raised. “Huh?” “What I didn’t tell you was the reason I haven’t been trying to work things out with Deb. The reason is because there is nothing to work out.” “I don’t get it, Col,” Ryan said. Colin laughed a little. It was a dry, nervous little giggle. “I don’t know how to tell you this, Ryan. We’ve known each other for so long. Hell, I’ve known you longer than I’ve known Deb. I think this is the first time I haven’t known what to say to you.” “Damn, Colin. What the hell is it? It can’t be that bad, right? Did you kill Deb and bury her under the floorboards? Can you hear the telltale heart right now?” Ryan’s hand had found it’s way onto Colin’s shoulder again. Colin loved it when Ryan made that gesture. It made Colin think of Ryan’s hand like an anchor, tethering him while the ocean raged all around them. “No, no,” Colin said with another nervous chuckle. “It’s just…I came out.” “Came out?” Ryan’s face was quizzical, his head tilted to the side. “Of what? Your shell? A birthday cake? The closet?” Colin stared at Ryan and watched realization slowly dawn on the younger man’s face. “Huh?” Ryan shook his head, trying to understand. “I came out. To Deb. So there’s nothing to work out. We’re getting a divorce. Because I’m gay, Ryan. I’m gay.” Ryan’s hand was still on Colin’s shoulder, resting there heavily. “Okay, Colin. So. So how long have you known? I mean, what do you mean? I mean, I didn’t know you were…” Colin shook his head, bringing his arm up to put his hand on top of Ryan’s. “Nobody knew, Ry. I’ve known for a long time, but with the difficulty I had early on in improv I knew that coming out would just be another obstacle. Then when I met Deb, I mean, I did love her. And I love Luke. Once things got settled, I got kind of comfortable in my marriage and I thought I could live this way. But I was much happier being away than I was being here, trying to come up with explanations for why I was what Deb perceived as distant. And now that I’m not doing Whose Line anymore, well, I realized I couldn’t stay on tour for the rest of my life. I had to tell the truth. I’m established now. I don’t have as much to lose as I did then, in a way. I just…I wish I didn’t have to hurt Deb and Luke in the process. I still love them both.” Ryan cleared his throat. Colin was nervous for what Ryan’s reaction might be to all of this. Deb was a friend of Ryan’s and Colin knew Ryan wouldn’t want to see her get hurt. But above that, Ryan tended to be a little homophobic. He managed to keep it pretty well under control, but Colin knew the truth. It had been pretty obvious upon Ryan meeting Richard Simmons during Whose Line. Ryan was never rude, and most of the cast and crew had no idea of his true feelings, but right after the taping, Ryan had come into Colin’s dressing room and shut the door behind him. Then he looked at Colin and said: “Eeew. Just…gross. I can’t. I feel like I have to go shower.” Colin had shaken his head, partly because of his own secret but mostly out of the same kind of exasperation for Ryan’s narrow-minded attitude that many people would have. “Oh stop, Ry,” Colin had said. “Who cares?” Ryan shrugged. “I guess. But it doesn’t skeeve you out?” “Um, no it doesn’t skeeve me out at all. Like I said, who cares?” There was an irony to Ryan’s homophobia, as he was best known for being Colin’s kissing partner on the show. The two had spent plenty of time with their lips pressed together, during which Colin always had two thoughts. One was how to control his erection and the second was how in the world Ryan could be homophobic. Now, in the guest room, Ryan’s hand still under his own on his shoulder, he waited for the man to pull his hand away. He didn’t know what Ryan’s reaction would be to this news. Ryan was still. “Well, Col, I don’t really know what to say. Congratulations doesn’t seem entirely appropriate,” Ryan grinned at Colin. Colin felt his face relax into a relieved smile. “Yeah. I guess not.” “They don’t make greeting cards for this kind of thing, you know? Congratulations on coming out to your wife and on her moving out of the house!” Ryan laughed. Colin cleared his throat a little. “I was really afraid of how you’d react to this. I’m glad you’re OK with it.” “What am I gonna do, Col? You’re my friend. I don’t care about this stuff.” “But you’ve always been, well…you’re kind of homophobic, aren’t you Ryan?” Colin inquired. Ryan offered a shrug. “I guess. Yeah. You’re right. But this is you! You’ve been my friend for over twenty years. Over twenty-five! I can’t see you differently. You’re still my friend Colin. My older, balding friend Colin,” Ryan chuckled again. “So you’re only keeping me around to further your own vanity,” Colin quipped. Ryan grinned. “Pretty much.” “So can I ask you something?” Colin paused. “What happened between you and Pat?” The smile faded from Ryan’s face and he sighed, slowly withdrawing his hand from Colin’s shoulder to intertwine it with his other hand in his lap. “I’m not sure. Things have been really bad, though, Col. You know how I am…my temper and all that…I guess…I just can’t admit that I’m wrong…sometimes. I guess I’m a little stubborn. And Pat says I don’t listen. We’ve been fighting about everything. And I mean everything. Eventually it just all came to a head, you know? She kicked me out last week. I thought, isn’t this crazy. I mean, you and I met when we both started doing comedy. I was married. You got married. We had kids. We were both on the same show. Now both our marriages are breaking up. It’s like some weird parallel existence,” Ryan looked at Colin, who nodded thoughtfully. “I guess that’s why we’re such good friends. Why you can put up with me,” Ryan laughed a little and then sighed deeply. “We understand each other because these coincidentally similar things keep happening in our lives.” Ryan was pensive. Then he sighed again. “So, anyway, I thought maybe you wouldn’t mind if I crashed here for a little while. We’d keep each other company or something. It was kinda far to travel for a place to stay, but you’re the first person I thought of. As usual.” Ryan looked at Colin again, eyes obviously seeking approval, and the two men smiled at each other. “Sure. I don’t mind,” Colin finally replied. “It’s good to see you again.” “Yeah, you too,” Ryan agreed, and the two embraced. They gave each other a firm, warm hug, and Ryan patted Colin’s back as they let go. “Can we drink now?” Ryan inquired. Colin sighed, standing up. “I thought you’d never ask!” Part Four: A New Reality So Ryan stayed. He brought in all the luggage from the trunk of his rental car. On Colin’s insistence, he returned the rental car to the company, because Colin said there was no point in him paying a hundred bucks a day when they could both just use Colin’s car. Colin’s house took on a bachelor-pad feel. There were decks of cards on the tables, empty cans and cups, stacks of recently watched DVDs on the entertainment center that had yet to be put away, and clothes strewn all over each man’s bedroom. Colin found Ryan’s presence to be incredibly comforting. This old friend who understood him so well, accepted him so easily and made him laugh and feel at ease in a way that very few people could. For years Colin had harbored feelings for Ryan that he kept a carefully guarded secret, although that was sometimes hard to do when the two spent so much time kissing and otherwise physically in contact on Whose Line. With Ryan in his home, those feelings crossed his mind again, but he tried to keep them in the back of his thoughts. He just enjoyed having Ryan around during this difficult transitional time in his life. After a few weeks, Ryan became less of a guest and more of a roommate. Colin didn’t want Ryan to leave, and Ryan didn’t seem inclined to go anywhere. They had always had an unspoken agreement that one could stay at the other’s home for as long as needed. Colin was happy to look at Ryan as a roommate, now, at least temporarily. So a comfortable companionship and easy routine developed over the weeks. One Saturday night, about a month and a half into this living arrangement, Ryan wandered down the upstairs hallway looking for Colin. “Col?” “In here!” Colin replied. Ryan found Colin in the bedroom, in front of the mirror, buttoning up his shirt. Colin turned to see Ryan hovering in the doorway. “You can come in, you know. You’re allowed.” Ryan grinned sheepishly and entered, sitting on the edge of Colin’s bed. “Whatcha doing?” “Oh,” Colin smiled proudly. “I have a date!” “A date? Like, with a guy?” Ryan asked, eyebrows lifting. “Yup. Name’s Ron.” “Ron?” “Is there an echo?” Colin chuckled. He saw Ryan’s nose crinkle. “Why are you making a face?” “I don’t know,” Ryan shrugged. “It’s just that even when you said you were gay…I just…I never pictured you actually going out with a guy.” “What am I going to be celibate for the rest of my life, now?” Colin joked. Ryan’s face scrunched up even more. “I don’t want to talk about…that, Colin.” Colin tried not to become irritated. “We don’t have to, Ry.” “Good. And anyway, so now you’re over Deb completely? You don’t feel bad anymore, you’re just ready to move on? Isn’t it a little quick?” Colin’s head cocked to one side. He approached until he was standing in front of Ryan. “Ry, I don’t have the kind of issues with Deb that really require a mourning period. I mean, of course I’m still adjusting and of course I worry about Luke now that the divorce is being finalized, but the fact is, Deb and I are very over. Very. I have to move on with my new life.” Ryan shifted uncomfortably. Colin watched Ryan’s face. He could see that Ryan was having a hard time with this. Unfortunately, he didn’t really have time to talk to Ryan about it right now. “I’m late, Ry, I gotta go, OK?” Ryan looked up. “Yeah. OK. See you later, Col.” Ryan eventually fell asleep in front of the television in the den, waking up some time very late in the night to low pitch, mumbling voices out in the front hallway. He rolled off of the couch and wandered toward the voices, one of which he recognized as Colin’s. Before either of the two men in the hall saw him, he saw them. The stranger, who he figured must be Colin’s date, Ron, had his back to Ryan. Ron stood closely in front of Colin, who had his back pressed to the wall. Colin’s arms were wrapped around the man’s waist and his fingers were playing idly with the back of the guy’s shirt. Colin’s face was flushed. Ryan saw Colin smiling at something the guy said, inaudible to Ryan. Finally, Colin glanced over the man’s shoulder and saw Ryan standing there. “Ry!” Colin exclaimed, and Ron turned suddenly towards Ryan, breaking Colin’s grip around his waist. “Oh! Hey, you’re Ryan? I’m Ron,” the man extended his hand. “Nice to meet you.” Ryan shook the guy’s hand and mumbled a similar reply. “Sorry to interrupt,” Ryan offered. “No,” Colin said, smiling. “It’s OK.” “So,” Ryan shuffled from side to side, clearly uncomfortable. “How was the date?” “Um, it was good. It was good,” Ron offered. “It was great, Ry. How was your night?” Colin asked, his voice slightly high pitched, trying to get Ryan past his awkwardness. “Great,” Ryan said. “Well,” Ron turned back to Colin. “I think I have to go. I’ll call you tomorrow, OK?” “Alright,” Colin agreed reluctantly. Ryan watched as Ron leaned in towards Colin, and the two began to kiss. He saw Colin’s hands fumbling at the back of Ron’s neck. The room was silent except for the growing sounds of breathing getting heavy between the two men. Ryan grimaced, feeling a blush spread across his face like fire; back to his ears, which he knew were red right now, as well. When Ron and Colin finally said goodnight, Colin found Ryan in the kitchen, standing in front of the open fridge, which he closed when Colin came in. “What’s up?” Colin asked. “Nothing. I guess you’re getting on with your new life, huh?” Ryan inquired. Colin wasn’t sure how to take Ryan’s bitterly toned question. “What’s the matter with you?” “Nothing!” Ryan’s voice raised just a touch. He lowered it again but there was an undertone that Colin couldn’t place. “Nothing,” he repeated. “Just, I don’t get you anymore, Col. I don’t understand this…lifestyle…or whatever.” “Ryan, I’m gay…” “I understand you’re gay! God knows you let me know it,” offered Ryan sarcastically. He wasn’t about to say it, but his mind was racing with thoughts that scared him to death. It was easier to just not acknowledge them. Colin wanted to yell, but he didn’t. He didn’t even raise his voice. “Ryan, I want to understand why you’re so upset, but I don’t get it. What’s the problem? I thought you understood me!” Ryan cleared his throat harshly. He brushed past Colin towards the stairs. “Nothing. It’s nothing; forget it. I don’t get why you would leave a great girl like Deb for some dude but it doesn’t matter anyway. I can’t talk about this now, Colin.” “No!” Colin tried to sound demanding, but even he could hear the pleading in his voice. “No, you have to talk about this right now! How can you say something like that and then walk away? Oh, wait, that’s right…” Colin felt the anger that only Ryan could bring out in him. “…that’s what you do.” Colin’s words were softly spoken. He’d started to get angry, but more than angry, he was getting sad. Ryan stopped on the second step. He looked at Colin. “I might leave in the morning.” “Why?” Colin cried. His voice lowered almost to a mumble. “I thought things were different with you. But they’re not. You’re still just the same.” “Yeah. I’m exactly the same, Col.” Ryan’s voice had a note of defeat, for which the reason was unclear to Colin. Ryan continued up the steps. When Colin got up the next morning, he fully expected Ryan to be gone. Ryan was gone, but all his stuff was still there. Colin thought, well, I have a good mind to take all his crap and throw it out into the street. But he didn’t. Instead, he made his bed and had some coffee. He was sitting at the kitchen table doing the day’s crossword when he heard Ryan come in. Part Five: What Are You Thinking “Hi, Colin,” came the familiar voice. Colin’s head swiveled to see Ryan standing over his shoulder. “Hey, Ry,” he replied. Ryan could hear the wariness in Colin’s voice. He sat down in the chair across from Colin. Colin didn’t look at him, instead focusing on his crossword. “What kind of animal is an aardvark?” Colin asked. “Huh? I don’t know. What kind of clue is that?” “I’m not sure. That’s the whole clue. It says ‘aardvark’. I don’t get it,” Colin returned quietly. “Me neither,” said Ryan, his smile brief and hesitant. The silence fell heavily over the room. “You need a ride to the airport or something?” Colin finally asked, his eyes flicking up for the first time to meet Ryan’s. His tone was overly casual. “Only if you want me to leave.” Colin shrugged. His eyes returned to the crossword. “Where did you go this morning?” “I just went for a walk,” Ryan began. “You know. Thinking. About stuff. About you. I’m really sorry about last night, Col. Really I am.” “It’s fine,” came the reply, but Colin’s voice was cool. “Colin, please, listen to me. I’m so incredibly sorry. I’m sorry!” Ryan pleaded. The beseeching tone in his voice made Colin lay down his pencil and look up to stare at the younger man’s face. “Colin, you know how hard it is for me to apologize. You know I never think I’m wrong,” Ryan let out a nervous little laugh. “But I was wrong. I was. And I’m sorry about it.” Colin sighed heavily. He’d been enraged at Ryan only a short time ago, but while nobody could make his blood boil like Ryan, nobody could diffuse his anger more quickly. His brow furrowed sympathetically. “It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” Ryan let out a breath of relief, his forehead going down to rest on the cool table. “Thank you,” Colin heard muffled against the wood. “Sure. I guess I’m nothing if not forgiving,” Colin added dryly. Ryan’s head came up. “You’re a saint, Col, and I’m not even kidding,” he grinned. Colin rolled his eyes, trying not to smile in return, but he couldn’t help it. “Yeah, right. But this isn’t an unconditional forgiveness, Stiles.” “What do I have to do? Polish your shoes? Buff your forehead?” Colin stifled a laugh. “The path to my good side is not lined with bald jokes, buddy! No, but seriously, listen. What was with you last night? I still don’t get how the whole thing started.” “Is that the condition? I have to explain my motivations to you?” Ryan asked. “Yup.” Colin could see Ryan fidgeting, and he knew now that he’d hit a nerve. Unfortunately, that only honed his curiosity. Besides, he thought, I don’t feel sympathy for him; he owes me an explanation. Ryan looked down, breaking eye contact. “I can’t Colin. I don’t want to talk about it.” “Come on!” Colin cried. “You don’t understand, Colin. I don’t think I can. I really don’t. Please,” Ryan begged. Colin could tell he was trying to pry into something that Ryan wasn’t ready to reveal. From experience, he knew that digging any deeper would cause Ryan to withdraw even further and, ultimately, shut him out completely. “You know what, Ry? It’s alright. Forget it. Don’t worry about it.” “Yeah?” Ryan’s stare was hopeful. “Yeah, sure.” Colin shrugged. At the end of everything, he loved Ryan too much to upset him. “So,” Colin breathed. “’Aardvark’?” Ryan’s playful grin returned. “Let’s try a different clue, OK?” ***** Colin continued to see Ron on a fairly regular basis. Colin also continued to bring Ron over to the house, confident in Ryan and sure that no other problems would arise. Ryan was true to his apology, not harassing Colin about his new relationship and, upon invitation, even joining the two men to play cards or watch movies. Poker was a particular favorite between the three. “OK, OK,” Ryan said one night, weeks after Colin and Ron’s first date. He laid his cards out on the table. “Read ‘em and weep, kids,” he proclaimed with exaggerated bravado. “Yeah, OK, well…” Colin laid his cards out, confident that this poker game was his. Ron had won the last two, and neither Colin nor Ryan wanted to believe that he could win yet again. “Well, baby, you did beat Ryan,” Ron grinned; Ryan’s face was in his hands. “But unfortunately for you…” Ron laid his cards down and Colin groaned. Ryan peeked out from between his fingers to groan, as well. “Again?” Colin cried. “How do you do this every time? You’re cheating, aren’t you?” Colin eyed Ron with playful suspicion and Ron cracked up. “You wish,” he replied. “Yeah, so do I,” Ryan added, grinning. “Excuse me.” Ryan excused himself from the table for a minute and disappeared around the corner. When Ron heard the bathroom door close, he turned to Colin. “Ryan’s really done an about-face, huh, baby?” Colin nodded, gathering up the cards and shuffling them absentmindedly. “He sure has.” “I mean, after what you told me about what happened, I just can’t believe how great he’s being. It’s almost like he’s…I don’t know…” Ron’s voice drifted off while he tried to find a word. “What?” Colin encouraged, but the other man only shook his head. Finally Ron said, “It’s almost like he’s humble…or something,” he added, shrugging. Colin pondered over that as Ryan returned to the table and Colin dealt the next hand. Ryan’s attitude about Colin and Ron had changed significantly since their argument. Colin hadn’t really been able to put his finger on exactly how Ryan was acting differently, but he knew Ryan was. Well, he thought, Ryan’s definitely been nicer. But humble? After thinking about it, and listening to Ryan’s idle conversation during the card game, Colin decided that humble wasn’t the right word. Ryan Stiles had never been humble a day in his life. He was a show-stealer, as Colin knew all too well, a show-off, a gregarious goof of a man. No, he wasn’t humble, Colin decided, but he was definitely something. Something had changed. Colin was intrigued, finding himself staring at Ryan, trying to read into this new behavior; looking into Ryan’s green eyes and finding no answers there. After Ron left for the night, Colin found Ryan sitting on the steps…just sitting there, one step down from the landing, arms dangling across his lap, as idle as Colin had ever seen him. Even Ryan’s long legs were still. Colin stared for a minute and then went to sit next to his friend. “Hey,” Colin offered, peering over at Ryan, who looked back. “Hey.” “So…why are we sitting here?” Colin asked with a half-smile. “Well, I’m sitting here to think. Why are you sitting here?” Now Colin grinned, “Because you are.” Ryan returned the grin and gently nudged Colin’s arm with his elbow. “Can I ask what you’re thinking about, or will your disclosure result in my death?” “Well, maybe not your death…but probably significant bodily injury,” Ryan joked. Colin smiled again, but didn’t repeat the question. He waited for Ryan to go on. Ryan shrugged, looking down at his lap and fidgeting his hands. “I’m not thinking about anything, really. Well, except my life or whatever.” “Oh, just that. It’s just your life, no big deal,” Colin quipped. “Nah,” Ryan continued with a slight laugh. “Not so much anymore, anyway.” “You’re depressed about Pat? Why don’t you call her?” Ryan was silent for a long minute. “I’m not, really, depressed about Pat. I wouldn’t even say I was depressed.” He shrugged. “I’m…I’m thinking about what I need to do to change things. But I haven’t decided yet.” He looked over at Colin, whose face was both concerned and confused. Ryan smiled. “I guess I’m not good at describing what I’m thinking about.” “No,” Colin shook his head. “No, you’re really not.” The conversation ended with them laughing, but with both just as puzzled, each lost in his own thoughts. Part Six: Ryan, Interrupted The Saturday after Ryan and Colin’s unresolved conversation, there was an unexpected knock at the door. Colin was out with Ron, and Ryan was sleeping on the couch. Ryan didn’t hear the knocking until it grew louder and more insistent. Ryan grumbled, his eyes finally, slowly, opening. With a yawn and a stretch he peeled himself off of the couch and staggered to the door, putting an eye to the peephole before answering the intrusive pounding. “Oh my god,” he whispered to himself, turning away from the door as though he was going to run, taking a step forward, and then turning back towards the door, knowing he had to answer it. He pulled the door open, seeing the fist still poised to knock again. When the door opened, the fist dropped. “You’re still here,” came the greeting. “Pat,” Ryan began. To his horror, he heard his own voice crack. “What are you doing here?” “Oh, Ryan. You always think you can just leave your problems behind. But you can’t run away from me. That’s not fair, baby. But…can I…” Ryan’s estranged wife gestured into the house and Ryan opened the door all the way, stepping aside to allow the petite brunette to pass him. He remembered the first time he met her. In a lot of ways, so little had changed since then. But then again, so much had that it was overwhelming. They sat at the kitchen table after Ryan had poured iced tea for them both. Ryan’s legs fidgeted under the table. He shook his head a little, as if to clear his thoughts…specifically to clear the thought he was having at that moment: I hope I can get through this conversation without crying. Ryan didn’t want to think that; he didn’t want to feel it or have the suggestion of crying in his mind. He cleared his throat. “I know I made you leave our house. I think you know that I had to do that.” Ryan nodded. He was glad that Pat was starting this off, because he hadn’t gathered a coherent sentence yet. “Maybe I made a mistake kicking you out,” she shrugged. “Because we never got a chance to talk about this. And that’s something we have to do. I…I need to know what you’re gonna do, Ryan,” Pat continued. “Where are you going to live? Are you ever coming home? I need to know what to tell the kids about their dad.” The mention of his kids, of his McKenzie, Sam, and Claire, brought a lump to Ryan’s throat that he nearly choked on. He swallowed very hard. “I know you want to run off and pretend I don’t exist or something,” Pat continued. “Maybe you think Sherman Oaks just dropped into the sea along with the rest of California, but it hasn’t, sweetie. You need to figure out what you’re doing with your life. And whether or not…” her voice broke up a little, making Ryan feel like he might die right then and there; making him hope to… “whether or not you plan on being a part of this family anymore.” On the inside, Ryan felt like he was falling. He cleared his throat again. The thing was, he thought, Pat was being so sweet. God, he thought, I can’t do this. He realized that Pat was right, and so was Colin, he liked to run away. “Pat,” Ryan began. He had to start over. “Pat…” and when he did his voice broke and tears started falling from his green eyes. She didn’t say anything, but her tears were a stream, silent and steady. “I don’t know what…to do. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. It would be the last thing I’d ever want…to hurt you. I’m so…I’m really confused and I’m…” he stopped talking. “You’re what?” Pat prodded quietly. Ryan shook his head and closed his eyes, more tears falling as they were pushed out. “I’m terrified. That I will make the wrong decision.” His eyes opened. “And by the time I figure it out, it’s gonna be too late to fix it.” Pat took a deep breath. She was about to speak. She almost jumped out of her chair, as did Ryan, when they heard the front door open. “Ry?” Colin called. “I’m back!” Pat met Ryan’s eyes and she said nothing, sipping her iced tea. Colin’s voice came down the front hallway; they could hear him approaching the kitchen. “Whose car is that in the…” he came around the corner and saw Pat. “Pat! Oh my god!” Pat stood up, smiling a closed-lipped smile, her face still tearstained, and embraced Colin. “Hi, Colin, sweetie. How are you?” “Good, good,” his voice was next to her ear. He pulled back to look into her face, glancing furtively down at Ryan, as well. Ryan was watching them. Colin could see the wetness in his eyes. He cleared his throat and stepped back from Pat. “Well. Um, I’ll let you two finish your conversation.” “That’s OK, Colin,” Pat shook her head. She put a hand on Colin’s arm. “You stay right here,” her head turned to look at Ryan. “Ryan, I’m going to go. I was planning on being in town for about a week. I’ll write down the hotel for you so we can finish this later, OK?” “OK,” Ryan agreed quietly, nodding. Pat left Ryan with the hotel information and said goodbye, leaving Ryan and Colin standing together in the front hallway, watching her leave. Ryan loped quietly into the den and sat heavily on the sofa. Colin followed him, standing next to the couch and watching Ryan, who just sat there, staring into space and saying nothing. Ryan’s left leg was fidgeting and he had a look on his face that made Colin think he might cry. Colin sat very close to Ryan on the couch, shoulder to shoulder. He put his arm around the younger man. “Ryan?” Colin’s voice was a whisper. “What happened?” Ryan shook his head, his voice came out very hoarse. “Nothing…nothing, really. It’s not over.” Colin didn’t reply. He didn’t know what to say. But Ryan continued, “I…I have to make a choice.” “What choice?” Colin asked. Ryan made a noise that sounded like a sad little laugh. He turned to meet Colin’s doe eyes with his own. “Now I have to tell you…the rest of my story,” Ryan faced forward again, sniffling. “And trust me. It’s a doozy.” “I don’t understand, Ryan.” “You know how I said Pat and I were fighting about everything? Well, that was true. And how she accused me of never listening? That’s true, too. And she did kick me out, definitely. That was true. But,” Ryan paused. His fidgety leg stopped and then started again. “I left out a big part of the story. Big. Really, really big.” Colin waited patiently. “OK.” “The thing is…” Ryan hesitated, bringing the back of his hand up to swipe across his eyes. “Col, the thing is that…there’s a reason why all of this stuff’s been happening at home. The reason is my fault, Colin. I had an affair.” Colin gasped audibly. He literally couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Ryan and Pat were the longest-married couple he knew. To him they naturally went together, RyanandPat, PatandRyan. Not that he’d never tried that same thing with ColinandRyan, RyanandColin…but that was another story. These thoughts raced through Colin’s mind. “An affair? Why? And…with who? I mean…I just never would’ve thought…” Colin stammered. Ryan shrugged. “Nobody would’ve thought this, Colin, trust me. For a long time, it was inconceivable to me that I would do something like this. But for a long time, I was happy. I’m not happy anymore.” Ryan looked into Colin’s face when he said this, and Colin didn’t think he’d ever seen more sincerity in his friend’s green eyes. “But why? I mean, why aren’t you happy?” Colin asked quietly. He never expected Ryan to be so frank with his answer. “Because I’m in love with someone else. And you know what’s funny? I’m not in love with the person I had an affair with. You’d think so, right? Leave it to me. I’m always ass-backwards,” Ryan gave a half-hearted smile. “So why did you have it?” Again Ryan shrugged. “If I went to a shrink, they’d probably say I was trying to fill this void of unrequited love that I have. But I think it was more of an any-port-in-a-storm kinda thing.” “What does Pat know?” “She knows I had an affair but she doesn’t know the whole love thing,” Ryan replied. “Well,” Colin began carefully. “You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, but can I ask who is the recipient of this unrequited love?” Ryan didn’t offer a direct answer, instead responding with a question. “You know how I said I had to make a choice?” “Yeah.” “Well, the choice I have to make is dependant on this person I love.” Colin nodded. “I’d think so, Ry. I mean, I guess it depends on whether they love you, too.” Ryan was silent, staring Colin in the face. “Yeah, and?” Colin asked, exasperatedly. Ryan blinked at Colin. “Well, do you?” Part Seven: This Is Real Ryan was staring at him, just staring. Ryan’s face was open, hopeful, expectant, anticipating. Colin stared back, withdrawing his arm from Ryan’s shoulder for the first time since he’d sat down. He pulled back a little bit, looking at Ryan from a slightly greater distance, just blinking at him, his head slightly cocked like a confused animal. The two men just sat there, looking, breathing. “Col?” Ryan’s voice finally broke the long silence. “Are you gonna say something? Please, say anything!” Ryan was anticipating many things. He wasn’t sure what they were, but he had a great deal of anticipation, mostly in the form of a giant knot in his stomach. What he wasn’t expecting was for Colin’s large brown eyes to fill with tears in front of him. “Colin, what’s the matter? Me loving you can’t be that bad of news!” Ryan tried to joke. “Ry…I mean…are you kidding?” Colin asked, sniffling slightly. Now it was Ryan’s turn to look stunned. “Huh? Am I kidding. Am I kidding? Are you nuts? Colin, I’m in love with you. I have spent so long carrying this around, knowing it, feeling it. Now I’m three thousand miles from my home and my kids, at the risk of losing my marriage forever and jeopardizing pretty much everything in my life. I couldn’t be more real, Col.” Colin had never known Ryan to talk this way. They’d been friends for many years, had shared many things and many conversations. Rare was the conversation in which Ryan wouldn’t joke. Even in…especially in…emotionally charged situations, Ryan was the first to crack a joke to put people at ease. It was also certainly rare to see Ryan emote like this. It happened, but it was not an everyday occurrence. Until recently, Colin thought. He realized that this entire trip had been a turning point for Ryan; that Ryan had been going through all of these unbelievable emotions. Colin could relate, because he’d been there. Colin realized that he couldn’t doubt Ryan on this, that Ryan was being sincere. As this thought dawned on Colin, his mouth began to slowly open, his jaw literally dropping while he still stared into Ryan’s face. “Oh god,” Colin whispered, voice barely audible. He wondered if he could still speak normally. Before Colin could say more, Ryan spoke again. “Col, we’ve known each other for years. You are my best friend. You know as much about me as my wife does and definitely more about me than any of my other friends. I’ve had feelings for you for a long time, Col.” Ryan looked down at his lap. “A really long time. I’m telling you I love you because I’ve spent so, so, so long denying my real feelings. Hell, I’ve been kissing you on the mouth and pretending it was nothing! I can’t do that anymore, Col!” Ryan’s voice was getting louder. Not out of anger. No, his voice was just this side of desperate. He looked at Colin again, and Colin could see his hands shaking. “I tried to forget it. I make this…thing, this big deal…out of being grossed out by two men together. But I’m done with it. I can’t pretend I don’t love you. Especially if it means I have to sit back and watch you with Ron…no offense to him. But, I can’t go for the rest of my life acting like I’m something I’m not.” It was quiet again. Ryan half-smiled. “That’s all, Col. It’s finally your turn to talk.” Colin cleared his throat. “I…I’m sorry, Ry. I literally don’t think I’ve ever been more surprised in my entire life.” “What is that, a no-I-don’t-love-you euphemism?” Ryan’s eyebrows raised. “No, no. Not at all,” Colin laughed nervously. “I’ve had feelings for you for years. I think I’ve had dreams about this conversation, you know, you telling me you loved me. Of course, in the dreams I was much more eloquent with my response.” Ryan laughed, taking Colin’s face in his hands. Ryan’s large, warm palms pressed against Colin’s cheeks, his long fingers in Colin’s fine hair. A gentle smile was on his lips. “Colin,” he began, leaning close and talking softly. “I don’t want to read between the lines, here. Do you love me? If you do, just say that you do, OK?” “I love you,” Colin replied. It was easy, the words falling from his mouth. Ryan grinned his usual grin. “Well, good. I love you, too. Now we can stop acting like this is Questions Only.” Then Ryan was leaning closer, and when Colin saw Ryan’s eyes close, he closed his eyes as well and gave himself to that moment. It was not the same as all the kisses they’d shared on the stage, it was like a first kiss. It was as though their mouths had never touched before. Ryan’s lips were slightly salty from tears that had found the way to their edges, and there was something very appealing about that to Colin…as he drew Ryan’s mouth against his own, he thought of kissing away Ryan’s tears. Beyond the initial bite of salt was the soft mellowness of Ryan’s mouth. The warm wet flesh of the younger man’s tongue prodded at Colin’s lips until they parted, and Colin welcomed Ryan’s tongue into his mouth, his own tongue pressing against it, intertwining. They took turns drawing each other’s lips between their teeth, gently nibbling, softly intruding with their tongues into the other’s mouth. When they finally pulled back from each other, their lips moist and used, Colin cleared his throat. Still, when he spoke his voice was hoarse. “I’ve been waiting for that.” Ryan smiled, his hands still cupping Colin’s face. “Believe me, I know how you feel.” Ryan dropped his hands, laying them on Colin’s thighs, and Colin placed his own hands on top of them. “So, you know what I have to do now? Talk to Pat,” Ryan said. “Wow. Way to get right back to reality. Well, that should be fun. I can tell you’re amused.” “Sure. Sure. She’ll be really happy to hear about this, you know.” Colin cocked his head a little, thinking. “Well, you said she knows about your affair. Do you think she suspects….this? Or, whatever?” Ryan shook his head. “I doubt it. I mean, I doubt anyone would think this about you and I! Two married men?” “Yeah, but that doesn’t mean much, right?” Colin raised his eyebrows. “Well,” Ryan laughed a little. “Apparently not for us, but still. No I don’t think she suspects anything like this.” Suddenly, Colin’s eyes widened. “What?” Ryan asked. Colin lowered his voice, as though they were suddenly on some covert mission, and asked, “Ryan…was your affair…was it with a man?” Ryan threw back his head and laughed. “The way you asked that…the tone…that was classic. That was great.” Ryan calmed himself. “But no. No, I didn’t. I had an affair with a woman.” “A woman?” “Yeah, you know. Those slightly shorter creatures with breasts. Women. Typically nicer, usually smells better. Surely you remember from your long gone days as a straight guy,” Ryan quipped. “Yeah,” Colin said. “I mean, I just thought you…I don’t know.” “What? Are you disappointed?” Ryan asked. Colin grinned. “Disappointed? What kind of question is that?” “I don’t know,” Ryan frowned. “Just seemed like you expected me to have had an affair with a guy.” “Well,” Colin pointed out matter-of-factly, “I thought you were gay. I mean, I didn’t before, but now that all this happened…I just figured…” Ryan was quiet. “To be honest, I don’t know if I’m gay, Col. I mean, my feelings are for you.” “But I’m a guy.” “I know!” “So you think you’re bi?” Colin asked. “I guess so. Maybe,” Ryan replied, shrugging, looking baffled and worried. Colin shook his head. “You know what? This doesn’t really matter right now.” Colin wrapped his hands around Ryan’s and squeezed. “It’s OK. Right now let’s just enjoy this time. You have enough to think about before you go visit Pat. OK?” Ryan sighed. But a smile brightened his face as he took in Colin’s eager stare. “You’re really the best, Col. Thanks.” “No problem.” Part Eight: Courage of Conviction Ryan had called Pat the very next day after he kissed Colin. He had never meant to hurt Pat. After all, he had known her as long as…longer than…he’d known Colin, and he adored her. None of this was her fault, and he didn’t feel right waiting any longer to tell her the truth. Of course, now that he was on his way to the hotel where she was staying, he was starting to rethink that theory. His stomach was in such bad knots that he thought he might have to pull Colin’s car over and throw up on the side of the road. Finally, though, Ryan made it to the hotel, where Pat met him in the lobby. “Ryan,” she called, spotting him first. He approached her where she stood by the elevators. The greeting was awkward; he leaned in as if to kiss her on the cheek or give her a hug, but she turned and pushed the “up” button on the wall. “Hi,” she offered, glancing at him. “Let’s go up so we can talk in the room, OK?” “Hi. OK,” he replied, as if in a daze. Even the brief, five floor elevator ride left Ryan with his hands over his torso. “You alright?” Pat inquired as they stepped out of the elevator. Her warm hand was on his arm. “Yeah.” Ryan’s tone of voice was unconvincing. “I’ll be fine.” I’d be better if I didn’t have to do this, he thought. What was wrong with him, anyway? Leaving his marriage at his age? To his dismay, Ryan began to panic. They were at the hotel room door, now, and Pat was swiping the room key. Ryan felt too warm, he felt sick, darkness at the periphery of his vision. “Pat,” he said weakly. She was halfway in the door, and she turned to look at him again, her body holding the door open. “God, Ryan, you look awful. Are you sure you’re alright? Come here. Come on in here,” she took his arm, her hand in the crook of his elbow. He let himself be led by her. She guided him carefully into the room and over to the bed, and behind them the door slammed shut of it’s own volition. On his back on top of the covers, Ryan peered up into Pat’s concerned face. “I’m sorry,” he said. She was sitting next to him, returning his stare with her own dark eyes, her shoulder length brown hair framing her face. “It’s alright. You always would do anything to get out of a difficult conversation,” she smiled. Ryan gave a weak smile. “You know it. Is it working?” “For now. Only because you look like shit.” “You always would say anything to get out of sex,” Ryan grinned. He was clearly joking, and Pat didn’t mind. That was one thing he’d always loved about her, she could laugh at herself. “Well, look, Ryan. I’m not going back to California yet, so we’ll have time to talk another day. I didn’t really expect you here so soon anyhow. I know you had a lot to think about,” she stopped talking for a minute. Ryan watched her face. She hadn’t taken her eyes off of him, and now he could see her mouth start to tremble at the edges. This was what he had been afraid of; he felt sick all over again. “I know you had a lot to think about…about her…and that you had to decide who you loved more…” “Pat,” Ryan pleaded. “Please don’t.” Pat sniffled, rubbing at her eyes with her fingertips. “Just tell me your decision, that’s all, Ryan. Because I can’t keep going through this.” Ryan felt like the walls were closing in on him. His brain was spinning, racing with all that had transpired. I had an affair, he thought, with a woman. Pat thinks I’m in love with this woman; this woman who I can’t even remember what her body looks like naked. I love Colin. I told Colin. Pat doesn’t know it. Colin loves me. Is this what they mean about the tangled web we weave? Ryan kneaded at his temples, his head feeling so heavy and so dizzy that he thought maybe he’d just sleep there. He briefly wondered how that would go over with Pat and also with Colin. “I…I’m not in love with her,” he heard himself say. In his head, he heard himself continue, I’m in love with Colin. But in his head he also heard the voices of his kids. He saw their faces and heard them laughing. In his head, he saw his wife’s smile return. “You’re not in love with her?” Pat asked, seemingly mystified by this development. Ryan shook his head. If I don’t speak, I’m not lying, he rationalized. “You’re not in love with her,” Pat mumbled again, to herself. She peered down at him. “What are you saying?” Ryan didn’t want to talk. He contemplated clamping his mouth shut as a protest against all of this unwanted conversation. “I guess…I mean…I want to come home,” his voice cracked. Coward, coward, coward, he berated himself. Nothing will ever fix this. Nothing. “If you let me.” Say no, say no, he thought. “We’re going to counseling,” she said. “But…OK. The kids and I want you there. So come back.” Ryan smiled weakly at her. Great, he thought, this’ll all come out in some therapist’s office. Some guy will write it up and I’ll end up in a textbook. Or a tabloid. Pat leaned down and kissed him gently on the lips. “I knew you’d do the right thing, baby,” she said. Simultaneously, Colin was having Ron over for lunch. Colin was never good at breaking up with people. Well, he thought to himself, it isn’t as though there have been many opportunities for me to be the break-upper. He was usually the break-uppee. He wasn’t sure if making the guy lunch was the right thing to do just before breaking up with him, but he figured it was the least he could do. They’d been dating over a month, and had actually been getting very close. Colin really liked the guy, and knew that Ron felt the same. If Ryan hadn’t come along, Colin knew he would’ve continued seeing Ron and he’d anticipated the relationship getting serious. So the end result was him making sandwiches on panini bread. Well, he thought, doesn’t everything begin and end over a meal? “OK,” he said, setting the plates down on the table and seating himself across from Ron. “Hope you like it.” “I’m sure I will,” Ron smiled, picking up the sandwich. They ate in comfortable silence for a minute. Colin was sure, anyway, that the silence was comfortable for Ron, but for himself he wasn’t so sure. “Ron,” Colin finally spoke up. He laid his sandwich back on the plate. “I’m not sure how to say this.” Ron put down his own sandwich, looking up at Colin. “Oh no,” he sighed, shaking his head. “I…met someone else,” Colin had told himself he wouldn’t ramble, but it was virtually inevitable. “I mean, I wasn’t looking to meet anyone, but I did. I’m not saying I don’t like you or even that I know what’s going to happen with this other person. But I feel like I owe it to myself to see. You know? Well, I didn’t want to be presumptuous because I know we haven’t been dating that long but I do really like you and I think you feel the same way. So I want to say that I don’t want to hurt you and…” “Colin!” Ron interrupted. He held up a halting hand. “Stop!” Colin stopped, waiting for Ron to say something else. “It’s OK, Colin,” Ron continued. “You don’t have to explain it to me.” “I’m sorry,” Colin offered, fidgeting. Ron shook his head. “It’s alright. Well, it’s not alright…for me, but it’s OK. Don’t worry about it. Maybe you’ll date this guy and hate him or something. If that happens, call me, OK?” Colin smiled a little. “Yeah. I definitely will. Thanks for…” Colin’s voice trailed, he wasn’t sure how to finish his statement. “It’s fine. I really like you, Colin, and I would never want to see you unhappy.” Colin chuckled. “God, you’re really making this harder. Can’t you be a jerk about it?” Ron grinned. “No way! And make you feel like you’re doing the right thing? Forget it.” “Wow, your sense of humor reminds me of…” Ryan’s, Colin thought. “…my ex-wife’s.” “Well that explains a lot,” Ron quipped. He stood up, and Colin followed. Their sandwiches remained only partially eaten. “I think I’m just going to go, OK?” “Alright,” Colin agreed quietly. He walked Ron to the door, where the two hugged briefly. “I don’t want you to think I’m taking this too easy,” Ron said. “but I just want to end on good terms, in case you look back and realize your mistake.” He smiled. Colin smiled back. “I know.” After Ron left, Colin walked through the empty downstairs. He collected the plates and threw out the uneaten sandwiches, waiting for Ryan to come home. I’m waiting for Ryan to come home, he thought. Home. He never thought that Ryan coming back to him and Ryan coming home would be one and the same. Ryan was on his way. He was on the freeway, heading back towards Colin’s. He wasn’t really feeling any better than before, but now for a whole different reason. Having moved her flight up with the news that Ryan would be going back with her, Pat would be arriving at Colin’s to pick up Ryan and his stuff the day after tomorrow. Ryan hadn’t had the guts to tell her the truth. Now what was he going to tell Colin? Ryan’s brain felt like it was on overdrive. How is it, he thought, that I end up with one awful secret after another? Part Nine: Don't Let Me Hear His Heartbeat They were curled up together. Actually, they were spooning. Ryan’s taller frame was settled behind Colin, his chin barely touching the top of Colin’s head. The rest of their bodies were perfectly matched. Colin’s back against Ryan’s chest and stomach; his butt pressed against Ryan’s groin; his legs mimicking the curve of Ryan’s. They were perfectly warm and perfectly synchronized, breathing like one person. The two were on the couch, and Colin was grateful for the width of the comfortable sofa. Without it’s generosity, he would’ve fallen off the edge by now. Well no, he thought to himself, I wouldn’t have, because Ryan’s holding me. He put his hand on top of Ryan’s and pressed the younger man’s palm into the shirt-covered, insistently soft bulge of his stomach. He smiled to himself. Behind him, Ryan’s head came up, peering over to see Colin’s face. “What?” Colin asked. Ryan grinned. “I just had a feeling you were smiling, and I wanted to see it.” At this, Colin’s grin grew wider. “God, you can really be a sap, can’t you?” Ryan’s head went back down, his voice growling playfully. “Shut up.” It had been about two hours since Ryan arrived home from his conversation with Pat at the hotel. Like the intentions he had of being honest with Pat, he had also had intentions of explaining the situation to Colin. He figured he would tell Colin that he just had to get things straightened out with his family and then he’d be back. Right, he thought in the car on the way there, that’s what I’ll say. It’ll only take a little while for me to be able to explain all of this to Pat, and then I’ll come back. But when Ryan had returned to Colin, and the older man had been standing in the front hallway, waiting to greet him, all Ryan wanted to do was forget that he was in big trouble, that he was lying to everyone who he loved the most, and get lost in Colin’s embrace. So that’s what he did. Ryan let himself be held by Colin, resting his cheek on the top of Colin’s head, smoothing his hands up and down Colin’s back and giving himself the liberty of running his palms over Colin’s buttocks. He forgot that he was duplicitous, forgot that he was a coward, and pressed his lips all up and down Colin’s face and neck. Colin’s doe eyed face was upturned, his mouth waiting to pull Ryan’s against it. Ryan let his lips find their way to Colin’s and immediately plundered the man’s mouth with his tongue. Colin had held Ryan’s face in his hands, his fingers running up through Ryan’s hair in a massaging movement that had Ryan’s skin in goosebumps. Ryan had felt Colin’s warmth pressed from his stomach to his knees, and he felt the influence of that in his groin. He could feel an obstinate hardening and straining and he heard the sounds of his own moans filling the room. He could feel that Colin was also just as aroused, and he smiled against the man’s mouth, his hand sliding between them to make Colin moan as well. They hadn’t made love. It was a whispered suggestion, throaty and needy, in Ryan’s ear, but Ryan had whispered back to Colin… “Let’s wait…let’s wait till tonight, baby, I want it to be…right…” I want it to be right? Ryan had led Colin to the couch, where he’d drawn the older man down into their current position. He wanted desperately to make love to Colin, and his words sounded funny even in his own head, but he thought that maybe, maybe, if he could avoid it somehow that him leaving would be easier. Maybe Colin wouldn’t hate him so much if he didn’t make love to him. So on the couch they laid together, Ryan’s arousal quelled by his guilt, Colin’s taking longer to dissipate, especially with thoughts of the upcoming night. Ryan knew he wouldn’t be able to avoid making love to Colin. Now that he’d told Colin as much…and besides, he didn’t want to avoid it, he was in love with Colin, and had waited years to show him exactly how much. I’m really screwed, Ryan thought. He was sure that, in the end, Colin would hate him forever. But somehow holding the other man close felt like it could block out the rest of the world, or slow time down to the point that the next couple of days would never come; Pat would never arrive. When the night arrived and Ryan let himself be led to Colin’s bedroom, his dick was too hard to even think of the pain he would cause Colin in the future. When they were naked in Colin’s bed and for the first time, Colin’s warm, supple hands were touching his bare skin, he was so crazy with desire and affection and love that he almost felt dizzy. He let himself forget everything when he stared at Colin’s naked form before him, then lowering his head to wrap his mouth around Colin’s hardness. Colin, too, reveled in the love he was finally receiving from this man…Ryan, who he had for years and years dreamed of making love to. He almost couldn’t believe it was really happening, until Ryan’s cock was inside of him, probing him gently at first only to thrust harder and harder, caressing his prostate over and over until both of them were driven to the point of exploding. Colin almost couldn’t believe it until Ryan’s long, firm and naked form was lying sweaty on top of his own. He dug his fingers into Ryan’s hair, the younger man’s head on his chest, and folded his legs across Ryan’s buttocks. Ryan let himself be warm and comforted with the older man’s hands on his head, his body both between and under Colin’s legs. He sighed into Colin’s chest, reaching up to intertwine his fingers behind the man’s head. Ryan was so content and drowsy that nothing seemed real, and he was grateful for that, his eyes almost closed. “I love you, Colin,” he murmured. “I love you, too, Ryan,” Colin replied. He chuckled. “Maybe more now than I did before.” Ryan laughed sleepily, his eyes closed now. “I know what you mean.” “Ryan, I’m so happy,” Colin volunteered. Ryan’s eyes opened and he lifted his head to peer up at Colin. “Me too,” he replied. “Really? You really are happy?” The hopeful tone in Colin’s voice was so overwhelming that it was both poignant and almost a little funny to Ryan, who chuckled. “What’s wrong with you? Of course I am!” Colin smiled sheepishly. “I dunno. I just expected that maybe you’d have some regrets. You know, after ending your marriage for me. I’m glad you don’t, though.” Ryan studied Colin’s face for a minute before lowering his head again. Sometimes it seemed so much like Colin could read his mind that he would temporarily forget that it was impossible. He tried to close his eyes, but now he couldn’t. He hoped he wasn’t tensing up, because he felt like he was, anxiety flooding his brain all over again. “I don’t have any regrets, Col. Not even a little,” he finally said. Colin stroked his hair. “I know.” Soon, Colin’s breathing evened out beneath him and he let his head rise and fall with the lulling motion of Colin’s chest. Ryan hoped that the movement would help him drift off to sleep, but it didn’t. Instead, he lay awake, wanting to get up but afraid that he might wake Colin, whose legs were still wrapped around him. So he stayed still, his brain swirling with the same thoughts that he knew would plague him all day tomorrow, as well. He became aware of the beating of Colin’s heart beneath his ear. He listened to the steady cadence, wishing in vain for that to hypnotize him into slumber. Ryan suddenly thought about an earlier conversation that had taken place between them: “I don’t know how to tell you this, Ryan. We’ve known each other for so long. Hell, I’ve known you longer than I’ve known Deb. I think this is the first time I haven’t known what to say to you.” “Damn, Colin. What the hell is it? It can’t be that bad, right? Did you kill Deb and bury her under the floorboards? Can you hear the telltale heart right now?” The telltale heart, Ryan thought. Oh god, he rolled his eyes in the darkness. I’m losing it. But no, I’m not losing it; this is my telltale heart. This is all I can hear, like some kind of bizarre karma coming back to get me. I’m a coward and when Pat gets here, I’m going to break the heart of the best friend I’ve ever had. The person I’m supposed to be in love with. Ryan sat up suddenly. Colin’s hands slid from his head and dropped onto the bed, his legs doing the same. Ryan knelt between Colin’s legs for a minute. The older man was still sleeping. Thank god, Ryan thought, rubbing his forehead. He climbed gingerly off the bed. Colin’s voice emerged sleepily from the darkness as Ryan tried to make a silent exit from the bedroom. “Where’d you go?” Don’t let my voice crack, Ryan pleaded in his head. “I’m…thirsty. I’ll be right back.” “Oh. Mmkay.” After stalling as long as he could drinking water in the bathroom, Ryan returned to the bed where Colin had rolled over, his back to the younger man. Ryan could hear Colin’s gentle, even breathing. Ryan thought about leaving right then. He thought maybe if he took off while Colin wasn’t aware, it would ease this whole thing. But no, he knew he couldn’t do that. That would only make it worse. Maybe he’d tell Colin tomorrow. It wasn’t too late to tell him before Pat got there. Ryan sighed. Colin curled up tighter in the bed. “You comin’ back?” came the hoarse inquiry. “Yeah,” Ryan replied, climbing back into the bed with Colin. He sighed again and did the only thing he knew he wanted to do right then. He crawled up behind Colin and curled against him, wrapping his arm around Colin’s waist and feeling the man wriggle back until their bodies were pressed together as they’d been that afternoon on the couch. Ryan let his chin rest on the top of Colin’s head, starting to feel at ease as he had before. The future was a dark expanse of angry ocean, and Colin was a strong and reliable seawall, protecting him. Now unable to hear the other man’s heartbeat, Ryan finally drifted off to sleep. Part Ten: All Good Things... They were still in bed. Colin had only the tiniest bit of awareness of passing time. He had glanced at the clock once and it had said 11:44am. Who knew how long ago that was. Colin was holding Ryan. For the whole night, Ryan had been holding him, spooning him, one long, warm arm draped over his shoulder and fingers playing with his chest hair. This morning, he had awoken and rolled Ryan over so they were facing the other way, and now he was holding Ryan. He’d scooted up so that his head was even with Ryan’s head. He liked the smell of Ryan’s hair and kept his face pressed into it, sometimes kissing the nape of Ryan’s neck. He found that he liked to hold Ryan, to feel like the protector. Ryan had largely played the role of leader in their relationship, when the situation called for it. Ryan had done things for Colin, huge things, that had positively impacted his career, his life. There had been more than one occasion when Ryan had gone to bat for Colin; really put himself out there to do a favor for his friend. But every so often, something would happen and Colin would be reminded that he was slightly older and that he had something to offer to Ryan. He liked it when those situations arose, and he was enjoying this moment right now, with Ryan calm and pliant in his arms. Colin suddenly thought of the Drunk Mother hoedown. Colin rarely remembered things he did onstage, but he recalled this because it was part of a larger memory. He remembered helping Ryan in the dressing room after that particular Whose Line taping when Chip had jumped on and subsequently injured Ryan’s back. Poor Ryan, Colin recalled, who had been in such agony that he’d actually been sweating. Colin had gotten Ryan out of his shirt and shoes and settled the man on the leather couch in the dressing room to stretch out his back for a while before they had to leave. Colin remembered how protective he’d felt. It had been just a reminder to him, then, of a love he could never hope to have reciprocated. But now it had been. He gave Ryan a squeeze and the man finally stirred, grumbling quietly and rolling over onto his back. Ryan’s head turned to look at Colin. “Hey.” “Hi,” Colin replied. “How long have you been up?” Ryan asked. “I have no idea. Last time I looked at the clock, it was before noon.” Ryan looked around until he spotted the clock, and then he laughed. “It’s one thirty! I can’t believe I slept this late.” Colin smiled. “I didn’t want to wake you up.” “Thanks. I don’t even want to get out of bed.” “Me neither,” Colin agreed. They were quiet for a minute, and Ryan leaned in and kissed Colin on the lips. “So. What’ve you been doing all this time?” Colin shrugged. “Nothing. Thinking. Hey, remember that time Chip jumped on your back?” Ryan laughed, rolling his eyes. “Yeah, how could I forget? And Drew…’faster, faster, you fool, you fool’…I wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill them both. God. My back hurts just thinking about that. Why are we talking about it?” “I don’t know. I was just thinking about things that happened, that’s all.” “Oh. And Chip riding my back like a bronco came to mind first?” “Of course!” Colin grinned. “Col?” “Yeah?” Ryan looked uncomfortable, his face starting to scrunch up into a grimace. “What is it?” Colin asked. “The thing is, I’ve never had a conversation like this with a…guy before. So I don’t know if it’s a weird thing to ask. But you know what we did last night?” Colin stifled a laugh. “Yeah, I know.” “Have you ever…done that before?” Ryan spit the last part out very quickly. “Yeah. Yes, I have. Not for a while, but I have done it. The first time I did, I was a teenager. Then, I didn’t do it again for a long time. But you know what? I had a couple of affairs, too, during my marriage. Only my affairs were with men. So, yes, I have done that several times,” Colin explained. Ryan was wide eyed. “Oh,” was all he said. Colin realized that he was dealing with this man who really was confused about and unfamiliar with his feelings. It brought out the nurturing side of him. He rolled onto his stomach, in the process rolling closer to Ryan, and propped himself up on one elbow, putting his other hand on Ryan’s chest. He looked down into Ryan’s eyes, absentmindedly rolling the man’s chest hair between his fingers. “What about you, Ryan?” Colin asked. “What about me?” Ryan raised his eyebrows innocently. “Ryan, come on. This is me you’re talking to. I’m asking if you’ve ever been with a man before last night.” Ryan cleared his throat, breaking eye contact and fidgeting uncomfortably. “Once.” Colin waited for him to continue, but that was all he offered, and Colin didn’t press for more details. Instead, he leaned down and began to kiss Ryan’s neck, lining the man’s throat with kisses until he reached Ryan’s jawline. He began to kiss Ryan all along the jaw. Ryan dipped his head, then, and his mouth found Colin’s. Ryan began to kiss Colin in a needy, hungry way. His kisses were deeper and more sensual than they had been even last night. Ryan’s hands found their way down Colin’s body to his ass, where they anchored themselves as he rolled over, rolling Colin over in the process until he was on top of Colin. Colin groaned as Ryan’s fingertips dug into his flesh. It was almost painful, and again Ryan was the leader. It briefly crossed Colin’s mind how Ryan could almost always turn a situation, onstage or off, into one in which he was most comfortable, or at least into one where it seemed that he was in control. Ryan was straddling Colin, now, and leaning down to push his tongue into Colin’s mouth. His long fingers wound around Colin’s wrists and pressed them to the bed. Colin was moaning beneath him. Ryan was vaguely aware that tomorrow was the day that Pat would come. He was trying to put that thought out of his mind. He wanted to make love to Colin. He wasn’t trying to be aggressive with Colin, but today he just wanted to feel some semblance of control. He didn’t want to talk about anything, he just wanted to feel something certain, something physical and real. Colin was bucking slightly underneath him, moaning and hard, and Ryan let go of one wrist. His free hand covered Colin’s mouth lightly. His lips blew warm breath against Colin’s ear. “Ssshh,” Ryan whispered, the warm wet air from his mouth making Colin shudder visibly. “I love you. I want to make love to you right now. OK?” Colin said nothing. His breath was hot on Ryan’s hand as his head nodded. “OK. OK,” Ryan’s whispers continued hypnotically, segueing into him nibbling on Colin’s earlobe. The hand over Colin’s mouth fumbled until it again grabbed Colin’s other wrist, and Ryan’s head moved over Colin’s chest to lower over a nipple. Ryan took the nipple between his teeth, alternately sucking it gently into his mouth and then biting it carefully. Then he moved to the other nipple, doing the same thing, Colin groaning and thrusting underneath him. “Ryan…” Colin breathed before repeating the name several times. Ryan lifted his head, grinning. “Ssshh,” he replied. He leaned down to cover Colin’s mouth with his own. This kiss would begin at Colin’s lips, and then move down his body, until finally Ryan would have to let go of Colin’s wrists and have his hands free to do other things. **** It was early in the evening. When they’d finally gotten out of bed, it had been almost four. They had showered and eaten, and now it was almost seven. Colin was on the couch doing the crossword. Ryan was next to him, absentmindedly flipping through television channels. Ryan sighed and Colin looked up. “What’s the matter?” Ryan glanced over at Colin. “Nothing,” he shook his head. “Today was a great day wasn’t it?” Colin grinned. “Yeah, it was.” “I just wish it wasn’t over, you know?” “It’s OK, Ryan,” Colin said comfortingly. He could tell Ryan was wistful, but he didn’t know why. “We’ll have other days like today. What’s with you?” Ryan shrugged. “Nothing. Just relaxing, I guess. Makes me think.” “Yeah, well, don’t. It’s annoying,” Colin quipped, his eyes sparkling as he suppressed a laugh. “Oh, shut up, Colin,” Ryan’s own eyes grew playful. They began to laugh and joke around. Again Pat became a kind of unreal entity at the back of Ryan’s mind. He didn’t really think about tomorrow again until they got back into bed, and he again lay awake for hours hoping to delay the dawn. Part Eleven: Hard to Walk Away Ryan had really meant to talk to Colin before Pat arrived at 10:30 that morning. Somehow, though, while he’d been deciding what to say, the morning had gotten away from him in a similar fashion to the last day and a half. Now he was in the kitchen, listening to the clock ticking away the sixty seconds that was 10:30. Maybe Pat wouldn’t show up. Ryan’s leg shook incessantly, his hands fidgeted on the table. He watched Colin pouring coffee. His own coffee had been sitting in front of him for almost an hour and was now cold and still untouched. “Hey, Col?” Ryan began. “Yeah?” There was a knock at the door. Colin turned. “I’ll get it.” “Wait…” Ryan said, standing up from his chair. Colin stopped, cocking his head and smiling. “Ryan, I have to get the door,” Colin replied. He walked past Ryan and disappeared into the front hallway. Ryan slumped back down into his seat, defeated, sighing. He heard the voices drift from the hall. “Pat? Hi! What’s going on?” Colin, so unsuspecting. Ryan put his face in his hands. “Hey, Colin! Listen, thanks so much for letting Ryan stay here. I’m sorry I have to rush him out the door so early today, but we have to get the plane. It leaves at noon and you know all the security…” Pat, explaining. Ryan stood up, knees weaker than water. “Huh?” Came Colin’s baffled response. Ryan rounded the corner, looking down the hallway to see Colin’s head cocked to the side again, confused. Colin turned, his eyes meeting Ryan’s. Pat stepped over the threshold. “Hi, sweetie. You all set?” She smiled. Ryan opened his mouth, and no sound came out. Not a squeak or a whisper. He tried to swallow, and found that his mouth was completely dry. He wondered if he was going to choke. “Where are you going?” Colin’s voice was strained, a little high pitched. “Oh, Ryan, how could you forget to tell Colin we were leaving today?” Pat admonished him. Ryan just stood there, mute. Pat’s hand was on Colin’s arm and Colin turned to her. “I’m sorry, Colin. He just has a lot on his mind. We weren’t going to leave until next week, but I moved the flight up. I should have called you myself. Listen, I didn’t know I was going to take you by surprise like this. I’ll go wait in the car, OK? Hey, it’s a rental so I might as well get my money’s worth. Just send Ryan out when you’re ready. Make sure he gets there, alright?” Pat smiled, leaning in to kiss Colin on the cheek before turning and going out to the car. Ryan’s Adam’s Apple bobbed repeatedly in his throat as he swallowed over and over, trying to work up enough moisture so that he could speak. Colin was staring at him, a look on his face that Ryan had never seen before and would have happily agreed to never have to see again. He couldn’t have described the look, except to say that it was one of such profound pain that there was no real description. “Colin…” Finally Ryan had a voice again. He moved towards Colin. “I…when I went to the hotel…I went there to break up with Pat. I went to the hotel and I…I knew what I had to do…and I just…I froze up, Colin. I wanted to break it off but I just couldn’t do it…I mean, we’ve been married for so long…Col…it’s hard to just walk away. And…and my kids, you know? My kids. I mean, I…I need to see my kids, Col. I…I’m just still…I’m still confused and I need…I think I need some time to settle things on that end first. I’m not saying…I’m not saying I’m not in love with you. It’s just that I…haven’t told Pat.” Ryan was barely a foot from Colin now, looking down into the man’s eyes. He waited for Colin to speak, but the other man was silent. “Please say something. You not saying anything is so much worse,” Ryan’s voice was cracking. Colin was too busy to talk. He was too busy telling himself that this was not happening. Colin was busy telling himself that Ryan wasn’t leaving him. He was telling himself that he wasn’t going to break down and cry in front of Ryan. After finally having what he’d wanted to have for so long with the person he’d most wanted to have it with…having it taken away seemed beyond cruel. With chagrin Colin felt the stinging of tears filling up his eyes. He began to blink rapidly, trying to hold them back, but they filled up his eyes so fast that he couldn’t keep them from falling. Ryan moved to hug him. Colin was then able to speak. “Don’t!” Colin protested. He dodged Ryan’s arms, taking a step back. He was against the wall. “Are you really leaving?” Ryan nodded. “Yeah. I have to leave.” Colin just looked at Ryan standing there in front of him. He felt an irrational rage at Ryan for being dry-eyed. He wanted to yell, but his voice had somehow been reduced to a waver. “Are you coming back? Just tell me yes or no.” Ryan was shifting his weight from foot to foot. “I can’t tell you yes or no. I want to come back, Colin. It’s not that I want to leave. I just…I have to. You don’t understand.” “Oh, you’re right about that. I don’t understand. I just wish…I wish you would’ve told me two days ago.” “I wanted to tell you.” “This would almost be a little better if I didn’t feel so stupid, Ryan. Everything else aside.” “I know,” Ryan whispered. “I know I shouldn’t have made…I know I shouldn’t have led you on…but I meant it when I called it making love.” Colin swiped his fingers across his eyes. It was like Ryan didn’t know any better. Colin wished that was enough to make this forgivable. But he wasn’t so sure, because he’d been there. He’d been the confessor, having to tell Deb things that he didn’t want to tell her. He had a kid, too. He’d still done it. “I’m sorry,” Ryan’s voice pleaded. “I’m much more sorry than you could possibly be, Ryan,” Colin replied. “What happened to not being able to live a lie? I thought you were done pretending.” His whole face felt hot. He could feel a shuddering deep inside of him, his diaphragm starting to contract in the beginnings of hysteria. He was going to lose it. He knew he was going to sob, and he didn’t want Ryan to be there. Ryan with his cold comfort. “Colin, I’m so in love with you…I know you don’t believe that right now…and I don’t want to lie anymore but I just have to for a little while. Then when I get back to California…you know, on my own turf, I can talk to Pat about all this.” Colin shook his head. “If you need Pat to come in and help you get your stuff together, that’s fine. I can’t finish this conversation right now.” Colin moved to go around Ryan and Ryan tried to block him, reaching for Colin’s shoulders. “Please! Please, Colin, tell me we’re still friends…please give me a chance to do this…” Ryan was begging, his eyes filling with tears. Colin ducked away from his grasp and moved past him towards the stairs. **** It took little time before the house was quiet. Colin couldn’t believe that Ryan had actually left. Then he felt even more stupid for thinking that Ryan would suddenly turn around and declare his love for Colin and tell Pat that he wasn’t going with her. Ryan had called to him through his closed bedroom door, but Colin hadn’t answered. Maybe he should’ve, but he just couldn’t at the time. He was irrationally angry at Ryan for bringing Pat back into the house to help him get all of his things together. He had told Ryan to do as much, but he was still mad at him for doing it, and he was mad that he had to hear such conversations as Pat asking: “Where did Colin go?” Then Ryan replying, “He hasn’t been feeling well, so he went to lay down. He said he was sorry for not seeing us off. We shouldn’t bother him.” Colin wandered through the house, picking things up randomly, acting like he was cleaning, but he really didn’t care. He was berating himself for not figuring that this would happen. Ryan had been so confused about his feelings, and that had been so obvious. Colin knew he never should have counted on Ryan being around for very long. But he’d somehow had these fantasies of Ryan actually staying, talking about his feelings to Colin, of the two of them working things out together. Isn’t that what people did who loved each other? Colin alternated between devastated and enraged. He thought, well, this all comes back to Ryan’s selfishness. He remembered what he’d been mad at Ryan for before Ryan had shown up at his house. He was being selfish, as usual, Colin thought, and nothing’s changed since then. He remembered his thought from yesterday about how Ryan could turn most situations to his advantage. God, he’s so manipulative, Colin thought, shaking his head. Something caught Colin’s eye as he wandered aimlessly into the guest bedroom. He approached the dresser, where this shiny object glistened. Ryan’s wedding band. Colin picked it up. In the haste of his exit, Ryan had left it. Why would he take it off? Colin wondered. Then he shrugged. Probably to shower or something mundane like that. Colin turned the ring around between his fingers. It had the date of Ryan’s anniversary inscribed on the inner part of the band. Colin grimaced at the ring as he made his way down the hall. I should just throw this in the garbage, he thought. I should toss it and then pretend I’d never even seen it. Colin thought about what the band represented. He held it over the garbage pail in the bathroom. This is how quickly something so important can just be thrown away, he thought. But he didn’t throw it away. He turned it over and over between his fingers, watching it shine. Ryan’s fingers were long and thin, and his wedding band didn’t fit on Colin’s ring finger, but it slid easily onto his pinkie. Colin looked at the ring against his skin. For as much time and love as this ring represents, Colin thought, a ring exactly like this could represent Ryan’s friendship with me. He felt tears coming to his eyes all over again as he wandered into his room and flopped down onto the unmade bed. Much to his chagrin, Colin began to berate himself for getting so upset about the whole thing. I can’t compete with all those years of marriage, he thought. Besides, how long ago did he say he loved me? A couple of days ago. Big deal. Still, he thought, Ryan made love to me. Colin shook his head again, glancing down at the ring and wondering whether Ryan even realized what he’d done. Most of Colin’s rage had dissipated. Even without Ryan there to diffuse his anger, Colin still had a hard time maintaining ire towards the man. Now, he was just sad and puzzled, wearing a symbol of love that didn’t even belong to him. Part Twelve: Because I Don't Know How to Feel Aaahh, California, Ryan thought to himself as the plane descended amongst the palm trees onto the runway. Ryan liked Sherman Oaks. He’d hated Los Angeles, and would never have wanted to bring up his kids there, but he enjoyed where he was living now. He loved his house, his huge piano shaped pool, the pictures of his kids all around; his kids…in the flesh…running around and wreaking havoc all over the place. Claire was getting so big now he couldn’t believe it. He’d look in the mirror and see himself getting older, but when he was with the kids he always felt like a giant kid himself. Thinking about going home had always filled him with a feeling of happy anticipation. Now, looking out the little porthole that was the airplane’s window, it filled him with a feeling of dread. Maybe it’s the Dramamine; maybe it’s the vodka I had during the flight mixing with the Dramamine, he thought. But no, he decided, that’s not it. He turned to Pat, sitting in the middle seat. She’d spent most of the flight chatting it up with the lady next to her on the aisle, but now she’d been looking out the window as they landed and when he turned he caught her eye. “Want me to hold your hand for the landing?” she said quietly, smiling. “No thanks,” he smiled back. “What are you thinking?” she asked him. He shrugged, turning back towards the window. “I hope we don’t hit a palm tree.” Her smaller, smooth hand wrapping itself around his own made him look at her again. “I’m glad you came back,” she told him. Ryan couldn’t do anything but give her a smile. He called it his “hoedown smile”, one he saved for occasions where he was less than enthused. She didn’t know that. She smiled back. *** The towncar dropped them off at the house after a harrowing ride from the airport. Ryan sighed as he carried his bags over the threshold, Pat directly in front of him. He wasn’t sure whether he’d been more scared on the flight or during the drive. It was a weekday, and McKenzie and Sam were in school. Pat’s parents were there, watching Claire. They hurried to greet Pat and Ryan. Ryan wasn’t particularly enthused about them being there, knowing they had probably heard every detail of what was going on from Pat, but his face lit up at the sight of his little girl in Mrs. McDonald’s arms. Not quite two years old, Claire had the sandy hair and green eyes of her father. She looked more like McKenzie than Sam, who had his mother’s hair and eyes. Ryan immediately dropped his bags and extended his arms. “Claire bear!” Ryan smiled, taking his baby from her grandmother. “Ryan,” Mrs. McDonald greeted, less than enthusiastically kissing Ryan on the cheek. “Hey, Mrs. In-Law,” he tried to joke. She returned his grin with raised eyebrows. “Ryan, glad you made it back safely,” Mr. McDonald bellowed, patting Ryan on the back. Ryan bounced Claire in his arms. “Thanks,” he mumbled to Pat’s father. “Pat?” Ryan turned in a complete circle, looking desperately for his wife. “I think I saw her go upstairs,” Mrs. McDonald offered. “Oh.” Ryan was making his way towards the kitchen, dismayed that his in-laws were following him rather than taking a hint. “So,” he sat at the table, putting the baby on his knee and bouncing her gently. “how long will you be staying?” “Why?” Mrs. McDonald asked at the same time as her husband said: “Not long.” She glared at him. Ryan suppressed a grin. “Oh?” Mr. McDonald shrugged at his wife. “We’re leaving today. We were only here to watch the kids. We’re not going to stay and….” He waved his hands around. “…interfere. Although, we do know what’s going on, just so you’re aware.” The white haired man looked down at Ryan with a hint of smugness. “Yeah, I’m aware,” Ryan murmured. Mrs. McDonald made a little “hmph” noise in her throat. Ryan wanted to throttle her, and was glad to see Pat appear in the archway to the kitchen. “Mom and dad? Everything OK?” “Yes, sweetie, everything’s fine,” Mrs. McDonald turned towards Pat. Mr. McDonald did the same. “Everything’s great, honey. We’re going to head out, now, though. You have things under control here, right?” Pat nodded. “Of course. Thank you so much for watching the kids.” “It was our pleasure,” Mr. McDonald replied. “As always.” He turned and reached out his arms towards Ryan. “Can I say goodbye to my granddaughter?” Ryan handed Claire over. As Pat disappeared with her parents and the baby, everyone saying their goodbyes by the front door, Ryan sat in the kitchen, drained. He rested his elbows on the table and put his face in his hands. He was thinking about calling Colin when Pat came back in to the kitchen. She took a seat across from him, the baby in her arms. “The kids’ll be home soon,” she offered. He felt himself doing the “hoedown smile” again. Not because he didn’t want to see McKenzie and Sam, but because he didn’t want to be there. Again he thought about Colin. “Cool. I missed the hell out of those two.” “I know,” Pat replied. She smiled vaguely. “More than you missed the hell out of me.” Ryan was almost startled at this statement. His eyebrows shot up. “Huh? What are you talking about?” “Oh, come on, Ryan. Why don’t you just say you’d rather be with that woman. It’s obvious you don’t want to be here with me.” Her voice was even and calm, but as cool and certain as new snow. “Pat,” he began. “Ryan!” she interrupted. “Come on! What is going on with you? Listen, I love you, and I know you love your kids, but since you got in the car at Colin’s house you’ve been…somewhere else! What’s it going to take for you to be honest with me?” “Pat, listen, I love you,” Ryan said. “You have to believe me. I know I’m acting funny but it’s just…this whole thing…I just need a day or so to readjust. OK? Please?” He could tell she was weighing his words. She stood up, handing Claire to him. “I believe you love me,” she said, smiling that lightweight smile at him again. “But I know you’re still hiding something. You better think about what you’re doing.” She left the room and Ryan heard her go back upstairs. He sat there in the kitchen, listening to Claire babble in baby talk, listening to the clock ticking. *** Ryan knew when McKenzie and Sam were home by the noise level in the house. He was upstairs, putting Claire down for a nap, and Pat was downstairs. He heard the clamor and scuffle of the kids coming into the house even all the way up in his and Pat’s room where the crib was. “How do you sleep around here?” he whispered to the baby. He shut the bedroom door and made his way downstairs. “Dad!” McKenzie and Sam were ecstatic at seeing their father again. Pat had told them that he’d been away working. “How was work?” McKenzie asked, after all the initial hugging and giggling had subsided. They had dragged him to the couch and were seated on either side of him. McKenzie was holding his hand. “It was great,” Ryan replied. He remembered when these two were born. Now, with both of them over ten years old, they were the big brother and sister to the baby. This is what I love about being here, he thought. But again, that thought was followed by a thought of Colin. He hadn’t lied when he told Pat he loved her. He loved her, but he couldn’t deny the fact that he was IN LOVE with his best friend of nearly three decades, Colin. *** After dinner, after all the excitement of reuniting had died down, Ryan was on the couch. Claire was upstairs in her crib, Pat was in the kitchen reading the paper, and Ryan was there with McKenzie and Sam on either side of him again, watching a DVD. “Oh…look, look, this is the best part,” McKenzie pointed at the screen. “Shut up, I can’t hear!” Sam ordered. “C’mon,” Ryan intervened. “I just got home. No fighting till tomorrow, OK? Watch.” They were watching E.T., a favorite of all of theirs for years. It was almost a family tradition to watch this movie. Ryan and Pat had introduced the kids to the classic when they were very little, and since then they watched it all the time. So frequently, in fact, that they knew almost all the lines. The kids were in their pajamas. They had changed after dinner and started the movie right away, so when it was over they would go right to bed. The movie was about three quarters of the way finished, and E.T. was in the hospital, supposedly dead, Elliot standing over him, wrapped in the white blanket, saying a teary goodbye. The kids were saying the words with the movie, and insisted that Ryan do the same. Elliot was crying. “You must be dead, because I don’t know how to feel. I can’t feel anything anymore.” Ryan heard the words come up from his throat and suddenly, so unexpectedly that he almost gasped, he felt tears spring to his eyes. Not enough to cry, just a sheen of salty tears enough to redden and sting the surface of his eyes. Quickly, he blinked them away, swallowing. But it was too late to ignore the stab of emotion he’d felt. He couldn’t stay here, without Colin. Because when it came down to it, he would spend the rest of his life with deadened emotions. Without Colin, he wouldn’t feel love to its full capacity. Ryan excused himself from the couch. “But dad, you’re gonna miss the end!” Sam cried. “I’ll be back for the spaceship, OK?” Ryan promised. He took the steps two at a time and closed the door in the office upstairs. Ryan picked up the phone and dialed Colin’s number as fast as he could. *** Colin was on the phone with Ron. He fully intended to have Ron as his rebound. Sure, he knew it was wrong, and he knew that Ron was a nice guy, but he’d decided that he wouldn’t sit around and pine for Ryan. In fact, he had just made a date with Ron for the following weekend when the call waiting beeped. Since the phone call was coming to a close anyway, Colin said goodbye to Ron and answered the other call. “Hello?” “Col?” “Ryan?” “Hi,” Ryan’s voice was very low. “I can’t really talk but I had to call you.” “You know what time it is here?” “Um, late?” Ryan guessed. “Why? Did I wake you?” “Well,” Colin said sheepishly. “No. It’s not that late. I was on the phone with Ron.” Ryan was silent for a minute. “Oh.” “Well, you’re not coming back, are you?” Colin was verging on accusatory. “Listen, Col, this is all wrong. I don’t want to be here. I love my kids and…I even love Pat, but…” “Is that what you called to tell me? That you love Pat?” Colin interrupted. “No! No, listen to me. I love them, but I don’t want to be here. I want to be there with you! Please just give me a little bit of time. OK? I know the way we left things this morning wasn’t good…” “Wasn’t good? Are you trying for the understatement of the year award?” “Please, Col. I’m begging you. Forget Ron. Listen, I love you, Colin. You have to believe me. Everything I feel here…it’s like…it’s not real.” “Huh?” “You ever see E.T.?” Colin sighed. “Of course. But I have no idea what you’re talking about, Ryan.” “Nevermind. I have to go, OK? But please, just think about me and you…” Colin laughed a little. “That’s what I have been thinking about! What else do you think I’ve been doing? But you left today, Ryan. You made this…choice. Now I’m supposed to sit around waiting while you get the guts to be honest with yourself?” “I know it’s a lot to ask,” Ryan said hoarsely. “It’s a lot to ask,” Colin agreed. “I have to go. I’m sorry,” Ryan sighed, reluctant to hang up. “Goodnight, Ryan,” Colin offered, hanging up before Ryan could reply. Part Thirteen: Strange Days Colin had a date with Ron tonight. It had been days since Ryan had left, days since Ryan had called. After the phone call that first night, Colin had been distraught all over again. He’d wondered why he’d called Ron so soon, he thought maybe he was doing the wrong thing, that maybe he should at least give Ryan a little time. But over the next few days, when he didn’t hear from Ryan again, he decided that no, he couldn’t sit there and wait for him. He put it in the back of his mind as a little blip in the radar that turned out to be nothing. It was a fling, he thought. Even though my friendship with Ryan won’t ever be the same, he pondered to himself, but I’m not thinking about that right now. After the first night, he’d taken Ryan’s wedding ring off, and the next day he dropped it in a padded envelope with a short note: ”You’ll be needing this. Colin” As he’d put it in the mailbox, he knew that there was no telling when he’d speak to Ryan again and certainly no way of knowing if and when he’d see him. As sad and disappointed as he was, Colin knew he had to move on. In the back of his mind, though, he added to that: “I have to move on…until further notice”. But, at any rate, here he was, in front of the mirror in his room, getting ready for his date with Ron. He flashed back to the first date he’d had with Ron, when Ryan was still here. He half expected to hear Ryan calling him from the hall. He half expected that Ron would come over and the three of them would play cards. Or maybe Ron wouldn’t come over at all. “Stop it, Mochrie,” Colin muttered to himself, eyeing his reflection critically. Ron was nearly the same height as Ryan. When Colin answered the door that evening, letting Ron into the house with a peck on the lips, he slowly realized just how much Ron reminded him of Ryan. Colin tried to shake the thoughts. It was disappointing to him to realize that what he was doing was replacing Ryan with a facsimile that was nowhere close to the original. Ron had green eyes, too. His hair was darker than Ryan’s but his sense of humor was nearly the same. His body was not as lanky as Ryan’s, but his hands felt similar when he placed them on Colin’s shoulders. Colin was pouring drinks. “Where do you want to go for dinner?” he asked. Ron shrugged. “What do you feel like?” Colin turned, holding the drinks. “You know? I’m not that hungry.” Ron looked vaguely disappointed. “What ever happened to the other guy you were seeing?” Colin set the drinks down and joined Ron at the table, sipping slowly. “Nothing. It just wasn’t working out. You know how it is.” Ron chuckled. “Yeah. Well, I’m glad you called me. I really wanted to take you out tonight, but if you’re not hungry we can watch a movie or something.” “That would be better, if you don’t mind,” Colin nodded, smiling what he hoped was a realistic smile. They watched Being John Malkovich, as Colin had it in his DVD collection. “Gotta love Spike Jonze,” Ron murmured about halfway through the movie, when the two of them were chuckling over something weird that was going on. “Yeah,” Colin replied, trying not to notice that Ron’s arm had crept across his shoulders. They were seated closely on the couch. Too closely, Colin now thought. He wished it was Ryan. But no, he resolved, I’m going to just let whatever happens happen with this guy. He’s a nice guy and he really likes me, and I’m not holding out for Ryan. Fucking Ryan. Fuck him. Suddenly, Colin turned to Ron, leaning into the man’s side, letting Ron pull him closer. Colin’s face was upturned, and Ron was leaning down. Colin felt Ron’s lips against his own, tongue pushing his lips apart. He thrust his tongue into Ron’s mouth, finding an energy and strength that he hadn’t had for days; climbing onto the other man’s lap, straddling him. The heels of Colin’s hands pressed against Ron’s clavicles, his fingers squeezing Ron’s shoulders. Colin kissed roughly, trying to bite Ron’s lower lip. “Mmmm…” Ron muttered, grabbing Colin’s shoulders as well, then sliding his hands down the man’s front to undo his belt. Colin felt the waistband of his pants loosen, heard the swishing sound as his belt was yanked free. Ron’s eager fingers were undoing his button, and Colin heard the metallic scrape of his fly being opened. Ron’s hands were warm on his bare skin, in his open pants, making him hard. Colin scooted forward, his belly pressed against Ron’s, until he could feel Ron’s hardness against him. Then Ron grabbed him, hoisting him off of his lap and onto the couch. Colin was on his back and Ron was over him, his body bearing down on Colin’s. Ron was kissing him, returning the bites that Colin had given him just before. Colin’s eyes were closed. He wasn’t thinking about Ron. He was thinking about the last time he’d had sex with Ryan. He was thinking about Ryan’s fingers wrapped around his wrists, Ryan taking control, Ryan over him, hot wet tongue and sinewy naked body. Colin was at least as strong as Ryan. In the right situations, because of Ryan’s bad back, he was stronger. He could pick Ryan up but Ryan couldn’t lift him. Colin didn’t want to think about Ryan anymore. He opened his eyes. Ron was kissing his neck. “Let’s go upstairs,” Colin muttered. “Yeah?” Ron questioned, lifting his head to look down at Colin. Colin’s lust was like inertia. His body had stopped but the feeling still rushed through him, turning his voice to gravel. “You don’t want to?” Ron laughed hoarsely. “Sure. But I do really like you Colin.” Colin lifted a hand, placing his palm on Ron’s cheek. “I like you, too.” Ron smiled. He climbed off of Colin and Colin stood up, taking Ron’s hand and leading him towards the steps. Now this guy’s me, Colin thought, and I’m Ryan. *** Ryan got the padded envelope. It had arrived earlier that afternoon, the same day that would turn into the night of Colin’s date. Pat had actually gotten the mail, coming in and calling to Ryan that he had a package from Colin. Ryan had felt his heart jump at that announcement, excusing himself from the floor where he’d been playing Uno Attack with Mac and Sam and heading into the kitchen to get his mail. The days that had passed since he’d talked to Colin had been strange. Ryan hadn’t really talked about anything of any consequence with Pat, and it was taking a toll on him. He wanted to call Colin, but he knew he’d run out of excuses. He knew he had nothing to say that could make up for what he did. The time was running out for him to make some kind of admission. He knew he had to confess, to be honest with someone about this, to be honest with himself. Pat was warming up to him again, coming up behind him and encircling his waist with her arms. Ryan would feel her breasts against his back and it did nothing for him. He knew he was putting her emotions in detriment again. Ryan slid a finger under the flap of the envelope, severing the glue from the paper and opening the brown padded package. Pat had gone down to the basement to move laundry from the washer to the dryer. Ryan’s hand rummaged inside the envelope, and his fingers brushed something hard and cold. He pulled it out. His wedding ring. He peeled the piece of tape off of the ring and read the note that was attached to it. “You’ll be needing this. Colin” It wasn’t what Ryan had been expecting. He swallowed, staring at the ring. He put the ring and the note on the counter and laced his fingers together, eyeing the slightly pale spot on his finger where the ring usually was. Pat hadn’t yet noticed its absence. Ryan remembered taking it off at Colin’s house, before he headed to the hotel to talk to Pat. He’d removed it because he’d known he didn’t want to wear it anymore. It was the symbol of a love that wasn’t what it was pretending to be and when he’d taken the ring off, he’d almost felt courageous. He’d grinned, placing it on the dresser in the guest bedroom. Even after he’d returned from the hotel, defeated, feeling like a coward, he hadn’t put the ring back on. He hadn’t wanted to. He didn’t want to now. Ryan heard Pat’s footsteps ascending the basement stairs. She came into the kitchen. “What’d Colin send you, sweetie?” She was smiling, curious. Ryan looked down at the ring again and felt his heart begin to beat faster. He met Pat’s eyes. “We have to talk.” Ryan was relieved to hear his voice emerge strong and unwavering. Part Fourteen: The Place Where You Belong Ryan was scared to death of flying. He tried to avoid it if at all possible. Now, as the gate attendant was calling passengers to board, row by row, Ryan tried not to think about the flying he’d done recently to and from Colin’s. The way he figured it, since this was his third flight in a relatively short period of time, there was a fairly even chance that this would be the plane that would crash. Ryan felt himself starting to sweat. He put the thought out of his head. The attendant was checking his boarding pass. “Enjoy your flight, sir,” she smiled. He stared at her. “Right.” She looked baffled as he made his way past her and on to the plane, pill under his tongue. Ryan buckled his seatbelt quickly, fingers shaking, before the plane even began to taxi down the runway. The only way he could stand to fly was if he could take something, and preferably have an in-flight drink on top of that. He couldn’t wait until the pill that had dissolved in his mouth a few seconds ago began to take effect. On the way to Colin’s the first time, he’d had to have a flight attendant at his side practically the whole time. On his way back to California, he’d had his pills and he’d had Pat. Now, he was on his way to Colin’s again, and he was alone. Normally, Ryan would have gotten off the plane by this time. The flight attendants were doing their in-case-of-an-emergency speech. The only reason Ryan didn’t get up and leave was because of the destination to which this plane was taking him. Besides, he thought to himself, listening to the massive jet engines and feeling them hum, there’s no way I’m backing out now. He’d finally told Pat the truth, admitted to her that the affair with the woman had nothing to do with this. He’d told her that he was in love with Colin. He’d told her that he didn’t think there was any way he’d be able to stay in Sherman Oaks, pretending everything was fine, when in reality he just didn’t feel that way anymore. Now, Ryan knew he’d be mired in divorce proceedings and custody issues for who knew how long into the future. The separation hadn’t gone horribly. Pat and Ryan had been as close of friends as Ryan and Colin for just as long. They agreed to try and make this as easy as possible for themselves and for the benefit of their kids. But when Ryan pressed his wedding ring into the palm of Pat’s hand, and looked into her eyes, he knew that he was going to have to take responsibility for the pain and upheaval he was causing this woman. It wasn’t going to be easy. No, he thought as the plane climbed into the air, there is no backing out. But if he hadn’t been so afraid as the plane lifted towards cruising altitude, he would have smiled to himself. He was happy not to be backing out. He was no longer a coward, and now he was going back to Colin, with whom he was in love. *** Colin didn’t know that Ryan was on a plane. Colin was in bed with Ron. It had been four days since his date with Ron, since they had slept together in Colin’s bed for the first time, since Ryan had received the padded envelope in the mail. It had been a week and a half since he’d spoken to Ryan. Colin was in bed with Ron for the third time in five days, and for the first time, he wasn’t thinking about Ryan. Colin’s head was resting on Ron’s chest. Ron’s breathing was steady and comforting, his breath hitting the top of Colin’s head. Ron’s arms were wrapped around Colin and Colin’s hand was on Ron’s belly, feeling it rise and fall. Colin felt Ron’s lips against the top of his head. He smiled. “Hey,” Colin said. “Hey, sweetie,” Ron replied. Colin could hear the smile in the other man’s voice. “So what do you want to do today?” Colin felt the movement as Ron shrugged gently. “I don’t know. There’s a couple movies out that I might want to see. What do you think?” “Sure. Maybe. We can check out the listings.” “Mmkay. Sounds good,” Ron replied. “Hey, listen, Col. I have to ask you something.” “OK…” “What do you think about…” Ron hesitated. Colin lifted his head. “What?” “Well, I really like you, Colin.” Colin smiled. “I like you, too. Even though you’re acting bizarre.” Ron laughed quietly. “Well, the thing is that right before you told me you had met someone else, well, I met someone else. And we’ve been seeing each other. The thing is, I like him, also. So. I wanted to make sure it was alright for you if I was seeing someone else…at the same time.” Colin stared. “I…I guess so.” Now Colin was thinking about Ryan. He put his head back down on Ron’s chest, which was suddenly uncomfortable. He rolled over to his own side of the bed, rolling away from Ron and pulling the blanket over him. “Oh, Colin, I knew this would happen. Listen, we haven’t been dating for that long. I mean, even with our previous dates it’s only been a little over a month. I really like you, Colin,” Ron’s voice was so sympathetic. “I know this doesn’t seem like a big deal,” Colin replied. “It’s not a big deal. But…can you just leave me alone for a little while?” “Come on, Colin,” Ron’s voice was a little bit impatient this time. “You don’t understand, Ron. I can’t explain it right now, OK? Please. Just leave me alone for a while.” Colin allowed some of his own annoyance to seep into his tone this time. He felt he had a right to be annoyed. He was tired of being treated in a way that made him feel like the second choice. Ron hesitated before finally rolling out of the bed. Colin watched him pull his clothes on. “Can I call you later?” Ron asked, his voice low. Colin nodded. Ron leaned down and pecked Colin on the mouth. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m sorry if I…” “It’s fine. It’s not you, OK? Call me later if you want,” Colin said. Ron nodded. Then he left. Colin listened to Ron descending the stairs and heard the front door a minute later as it closed. When Colin was a kid, he’d never wanted to cry in front of his parents, or anybody else. If he had to cry, he would run to his room, leap into his bed, pull the covers completely over himself, and bury his face in a pillow so nobody would know he was crying. He thought about the day that Ryan had left. He had done the same thing, his mouth jammed into a pillow as he heard Ryan say to Pat, “Colin’s not feeling well. We shouldn’t bother him.” He thought of that now and it bothered him. He thought for a minute he might cry now, but he didn’t. He couldn’t. He was beyond tears. *** Ryan had his eyes squeezed shut. His knuckles were completely white, his face was pale; he felt lightheaded. The plane was descending. Ryan would sometimes think of hoedowns during landing or taking off. It was the only time he even remotely enjoyed a hoedown, because the tune and the rhyme were strangely soothing to him, if only a little bit. He tried to come up with one in his head now: “Oooh, I am on an airplane/ It’s landing on the ground/ At least I can be happy that we haven’t crashed right down/ Can’t wait till this is over/ And I am on dry land/ Maybe next time I’ll let the flight attendant hold my hand….attendant hold my haaand.” Ryan berated himself silently. I used to be so much better at that, he thought. But he felt a slight jarring as the wheels of the plane hit the tarmac, and he opened his eyes, silently thanking whatever higher power had gotten him through another flight. Ryan thanked the same higher power when his luggage came through the baggage area and he was able to grab the bags and make his way out of the airport. He hadn’t brought as much luggage this time as he had the first. He knew he’d have to return to California over the course of the divorce proceedings and would be able to gradually get the rest of his things then. In the back of his mind, Ryan also knew that there was the possibility that Colin might reject him this time. Maybe Colin had hit it off again with Ron. Ryan tried not to think about that. He was almost afraid that his bad karma would come back to get him, but he told himself he didn’t believe in that stuff. Ryan hailed a cab and directed the driver to Colin’s address. *** Colin rolled over in bed, his heavy eyelids slowly opening. He felt groggy and he felt disoriented. His eyes were bleary and he had no idea what time it was. He glanced at the clock. He’d fallen asleep a few hours ago. Then he glanced at the phone, where the indicator light was blinking; someone had called. Colin rolled away from the blinking light and shut his eyes, letting his head sink back down into the pillow. The phone call could have been anyone. But chances were it was either Ron or Ryan, and Colin didn’t particularly care to talk to either of them. He fell easily back to sleep, exhausted from sheer emotion. *** Ryan was banging on the door. The cab had driven away, so now, if nobody answered the door at Colin’s house, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Ryan banged on the door again, closed fisted. “Come on, Colin,” he muttered to himself. “You can’t hate me that much.” Still, no answer. “Shit!” Ryan exclaimed quietly, looking around. He wondered how bad it would look to the neighbors if he broke in through a downstairs window. He sighed, staring at the doorknob, and then shrugged. Might as well try it, he thought. He reached out and twisted the doorknob, and it actually turned. The door was unlocked. Ryan grinned, stepping inside with his bags and shutting the door behind him. “Colin?” he called. “Col? You home?” Colin barely moved in the bed upstairs, unaware that anyone was in the house, unaware that Ron had failed to lock the door when he’d left earlier. Colin heard his name in his dream, but he didn’t even roll over, he was deeply asleep. Ryan called out to Colin again, his bags lying in the front hallway as he searched the downstairs for his friend. Still, there was no answer. Ryan wondered why the door was unlocked but Colin appeared not to be at home. Then he wondered why, if Colin was home, the man wasn’t answering him. “I’m not playing, Col,” he called out, heading up the steps. Ryan wandered into Colin’s bedroom, not really expecting to find him at all. He thought that Colin had probably gone out and just neglected to lock the door by mistake. Ryan stopped short when he saw the sleeping figure in the bed. “Col?” he said softly. “Colin?” The sleeping man murmured incoherently, but didn’t move. Ryan sat gingerly on the bed, putting a hand on Colin’s shoulder. Colin was on his side, facing away from Ryan. Ryan gave Colin a gentle shake. “Colin. Wake up. It’s me. Wake up, Col,” Ryan spoke soothingly. “Go ‘way, Ron.” Colin muttered. Ryan couldn’t help but grin. “It’s not Ron,” he said in a normal tone of voice. At the clear sound of a voice, so close, Colin started, rolling over quickly. His eyes flew open as he realized he wasn’t dreaming. He stifled a yell. He didn’t really believe his eyes when he found himself looking up into Ryan’s face. Then Ryan’s hands were on his shoulders and Ryan’s voice was again in his ears. “I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean to scare you,” Ryan was smiling. “I knocked and I called your name a bunch of times. Someone left the door unlocked.” “Ryan?” Colin couldn’t manage to say anything else just then. “I’m sorry, Col. I didn’t mean…” Ryan started to repeat himself. Colin interrupted, shaking his head. “No, no. I heard you. I mean, how did you…what happened? Is everything OK?” Ryan nodded. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” Ryan had taken his hands from Colin’s shoulders and was intertwining his fingers in his lap, his leg bouncing. Colin looked at Ryan’s hands. No wedding band. He looked back up into Ryan’s face, not knowing what to ask, just waiting for Ryan to talk. “Colin. I am so sorry for acting like such a jackass about this whole thing. I broke up with Pat. I mean, I finally told her the truth. I told her that I’m in love with you and that I can’t stay with her anymore,” Ryan alternated between making eye contact with Colin and staring down at his lap. “I…I know you’re seeing Ron. I didn’t really expect you to wait for me to come back. I know it was a lot to ask. You didn’t even know I was coming. But I do love you, Col. So…So…” Ryan shrugged. He wasn’t sure how to finish his sentence. For the first time, he truly believed that Colin might turn him away. Not because he couldn’t forgive him, but because he’d fallen for Ron instead. Colin cleared his throat. “I…I can’t believe you’re here. I mean I really can’t believe it. You flew. Again! But, um, anyway, Ron and I…well, we’re not serious.” “You’re not?” “Nah,” Colin shook his head, lowering his eyes. Ryan’s fingers were under his chin, lifting it. “You can tell me,” he said. “I know I can.” They were both quiet. “So. You broke up with Pat?” Colin asked. “Yeah,” Ryan held his hands up. “No wedding ring. See?” Colin nodded, not saying anything. “I’m so in love with you, Col,” Ryan said hoarsely. “Is it too late now?” “No. No. It’s not too late, Ryan. I’m still in love with you, you goof,” Colin cracked a smile, his doe eyes shining. Ryan let out a huge sigh of relief, a smile gracing his face, green eyes twinkling. He reached for Colin, and Colin reached back, the two embracing warmly. “I’m so glad you said that!” Ryan said, his voice next to Colin’s ear. “I’m glad you came back,” Colin laughed. When they separated, Ryan asked, “So you’re not mad that I was a total asshole?” “Not anymore,” Colin said, shrugging. “I know how hard it is. Parallel lives, remember?” Ryan leaned down to kiss Colin. When his lips met Colin’s lips, he couldn’t believe he’d taken so long to get to this point. He took Colin’s face in his hands, unwilling to ever break the kiss they were sharing. He felt like no matter what else happened, it could work out because he would be with Colin, which was exactly where he belonged. If destiny has spoken If finally the dawn has broken We all must find a place where we belong—Air Supply, A Place Where We Belong The End.