Perfidy By Heather Rating: PG Pairing: Ryan/Colin Author’s Notes: This is in response to Leenys’ request for a ‘Scenario.’ The one where Ryan has been cheating and Colin finds out. As requested, this has not been beta-ed and it was written quickly. * * * “I don’t believe this,” Colin muttered, wiping a hand across his face. “How could you do this to me?” Ryan sighed and tried to put a hand on the other man’s shoulder, but Colin shook it off angrily. “Col... please, just listen. It didn’t mean anything---“ “What the hell is that supposed to mean? Of course it *meant* something! You don’t just sleep with someone else and tell me it didn’t mean anything!” “I just wanted to try it. I’ve been with you for so long... it’s been a long time since I was with a girl.” Ryan lifted his hands helplessly, giving Colin a pleading look. “I’m sorry.” “Oh, you’re sorry. Well that just makes everything better,” Colin snarled. He turned on his heel and stalked away, his shoulders tight, his hands clenched into fists at his sides. “Wait,” Ryan said, quickly running after his lover. “Please, Colin. Please? I didn’t have to tell you, you know. I’m trying to be honest here. Just hear me out before you make any decisions, okay?” Colin folded his arms impatiently, but he stopped walking away. He glared down at the floor of their living room. Outside, the bright California sunshine was just beginning to light the day, but the house was still dim. Ryan looked sadly at Colin’s back. He wanted to put his arms around the other man, but he knew Colin would just push him away again. “I want you to know that she didn’t mean anything to me. It’s just that... I wanted to try something new. I love you, Colin. I didn’t want to hurt you.” “You sure have a funny way of going about it,” Colin said bitterly. “Hooking up with some star struck little girl---“ “She wasn’t a little girl. She was twenty-two.” Colin wheeled, looking at Ryan incredulously. “Would you listen to yourself? Twenty-two? That’s half your age, Ryan! She could’ve been your daughter!” Ryan sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah, I know. But she wasn’t. She was an adult, and she recognized me, and she was pretty clearly willing to do anything I asked. She offered, and I...” “And you thought ‘why the hell not?’ Did you even think of me at all?” Colin asked, and a lot of the anger drained from his posture. His eyes were wide, and very sad. “Was it easy, Ryan? Was cheating on me easy?” Ryan bit his lip, looking away. It had been easy, actually. The girl was so clearly lost in puppy love, and she was totally willing to do anything he asked. When he made love to Colin, it was always about give and take, making sure they both enjoyed it. But with that girl, for once, it was all about him. She was just so thrilled to be with him that she didn’t care about anything else. “Colin... you don’t understand. You’ve always been with men. And don’t get me wrong, I love being with you---what I did with that girl can never compare to what I have with you. But sometimes I do miss being with women. They’re different, you know. Softer. It’s a whole different dynamic.” Colin threw his hands up in the air, shaking his head. “I don’t want to hear this! I thought... I trusted you, Ryan.” His voice trailed to a bitter whisper. “I trusted you, and I loved you.” Ryan’s eyes widened nervously. Colin was speaking in the past tense, and it was scaring the hell out of him. Why the hell did I ever tell him? Ryan thought to himself. “Colin... please. Don’t do anything hasty. I made a mistake. I was wrong. But I’ll never do it again. It’s not worth hurting you.” “And how am I supposed to believe you?” Colin asked softly. “You told me that we’d always be together, and you’d never...” “Colin... I love you,” Ryan said, unable to think of anything else to say. “Do you?” “Yes! Of course I do. That hasn’t changed. That will never change. Do you really want to throw away what we have over some stupid mistake?” Ryan asked desperately. Colin only shrugged, looking at the floor again. He was only a few feet away, but Ryan felt like there was a chasm between them. He wanted so badly to gather Colin into his arms, but he couldn’t. And it was his own damn fault. Ryan swallowed, blinking rapidly as he watched Colin think. His mind kept ticking over everything he would miss if Colin left him. The long, lazy mornings where they would lie curled together in bed, Colin’s head pillowed on his chest while they talked aimlessly. The teasing banter that they never seemed to run out of. Colin’s warm, knowing hands on his back when it was sore. The absolute trust and adoration that would shine from Colin’s big doe eyes right after they made love. Now he had betrayed that trust, and Ryan wondered if he would ever be able to earn it back. He could feel his chest tightening, and he took a deep breath, trying to ease the tension. His throat hurt, and his eyes felt dry and hot, with little stinging needles poking behind them. “Colin?” he whispered hopefully. Colin turned to face him, his eyes more liquid than usual. “Do you have any idea how much you hurt me, Ryan? Can you even fathom how this feels?” Ryan only shook his head helplessly. Colin nodded slowly, his face unreadable. “Maybe I should go find some girl who wants me just because I’m on TV. Maybe I should fuck her and then come tell you about it. Then you’ll know how it feels.” His words were harsh, but his voice stayed soft. He looked immeasurably tired. Ryan felt an immediate twist of jealousy in his stomach, and his eyes narrowed. “Please don’t do that. I... I guess I deserve it, but please don’t.” “Yeah, you deserve it. But I don’t want to be with anyone else. I want to be with you. I still love you, Ryan. I can’t seem to stop.” Ryan could feel his lower lip trembling, and he bit at it, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment and taking a deep breath. “I love you too, Colin. And I’m so sorry. I know that’s not good enough, but what else can I do? What else do you want? Tell me, and I’ll do it. Anything.” Colin sighed, wiping his eyes. He wasn’t crying exactly---it was more of a slow leak. “You can’t make up for this, Ryan. It’s not like forgetting my birthday or wrecking my car.” Ryan hunched his shoulders guiltily. He had done both those things at one time or another over the long course of their relationship. Accidentally, of course, but that didn’t make them any better. “I know,” Ryan murmured, hanging his head. He took a careful step closer to Colin, and then another, until they were only standing inches apart. Colin didn’t reach out for him, but he didn’t move away either. Ryan brought one hand up and lightly rested it on Colin’s back, pulling him in. The shorter man resisted, but it was only a token effort. He slumped against Ryan, burying his face in the other man’s shoulder and shaking. Ryan brought his arms around his lover and held him tightly. “I’m so sorry, Colin,” he whispered. “Can you ever forgive me?” For a long time, Colin didn’t answer. His arms came up and wrapped themselves around Ryan’s waist, and his chest hitched. He didn’t make any sound, but Ryan could feel his shirt getting wet. Guilt brought a bitter taste to the back of his throat. Colin finally pulled back, his eyelashes looking longer than usual, dark and spiked with tears. “I don’t know,” he said softly. “But... I can try.” Ryan kissed him gently, tentatively. He kissed Colin’s cheeks, tasting the salt, the wetness. Colin kept his eyes closed, accepting the light butterfly touches but not returning them. Even when Ryan’s lips found his own, he didn’t return the kiss. “That’s all I can ask for,” Ryan said, his voice thick. “Thank you, Colin. I love you. Always have, always will.” Colin nodded, sighing raggedly. “I know,” he murmured. “That’s why I’m going to try.” * * * Finis