Title: Love and Sex Author: Clay Pairings: Mainly Chip/Wayne and Chip/Drew, but there’s also Wayne/Drew, Ryan/Colin, Greg/Brad, and a mention of Greg/Ryan. Yes, my little Whose Line soap opera. Chip’s POV Rating/Warnings: Most chapters are R, but there is an instance of NC-17 Summary: “They had been friends who had taken to helping each other out with certain problems when they were away from their wives. Add feelings to the mix, however, and the situation would become far more complicated.” Author’s notes: This is a little AU in the fact that Greg isn’t married, Chip is but has no children. All games aside from those from episode 227 are straight out of my head. Also, this might qualify for Leatharegee’s challange: “Tell the story about the pairing of your choice entirely through the eyes of someone else,” though while I do inadvertently do that in the first chapter, the Ry/Col thing is more of a background pairing than anything else. Chapter 1 I first learned that Ryan and Colin were a couple some time during the taping of the third US season. I couldn’t tell you exactly when– either the taping wasn’t that memorable or the shock just pushed everything else from my mind. I was going back to my dressing room when I heard Ryan laugh. I paused then; that laugh sounded almost sexual, and for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why Ryan would sound like that. I hadn’t seen his wife at all during the taping, and he hadn’t mentioned anything about her showing up, so who...? I’m not proud of it, but I ended up eavesdropping, pressed flat against the wall head cocked to one side. He wasn’t talking, just laughing, until suddenly a moan rippled through the corridor. Not Ryan, but unmistakably masculine. It almost sounded like.... I risked a glimpse around the corner– --and froze. Ryan was standing maybe ten feet away, caught in Colin’s loose embrace. He was smiling against Colin’s throat, one hand trailing teasingly over the obvious tent in the other man’s pants. I couldn’t help but stare, though luckily they were too wrapped up in each other to notice my presence. As I watched, Colin jerked forward, planting his lips forcefully over Ryan’s, and oh, that was no stage kiss. He continued to press forward, pushing Ryan back until they hit the door on the other side of the hall. Colin’s dressing room, my mind supplied. Ryan fumbled with the knob, and they stumbled through, door slamming shut behind them followed by an audible click as the lock slid home. I don’t know how long I stood there, but eventually a hand dropped on my shoulder, and I looked up into Wayne’s dark eyes. “I...,” I stuttered, gesturing vaguely to where the two men had been. Wayne merely shrugged and brushed past me, disappearing into his own room. For me that’s where it began. Through Wayne’s lack of comment, lack of question, I understood that he knew and that he didn’t care. Over the course of that season’s tapings, through half-formed questions and veiled comments I discovered that I was quite possibly the last to find out, but more importantly, I learned that it was not something we talked about. I don’t think Ryan and Colin even talked about it. I began to watch them more closely after that. They acted the same as always, and if I hadn’t known better, I would have assumed they were just good friends. After what I’d seen, however, every look, every touch took on a new meaning. Like I said, that’s where it began. I became nearly obsessed with watching them. The concept of two men together was not a foreign one, but up close it was fascinating. I needed to know what the attraction was. I had never considered being with a man before, but whenever I was on the set the idea slowly crept into the foreground of my mind. I refused to kiss another man on stage, and they’re the reason why. I was a married man after all. What if I ended up kissing one of the guys and liked it? I wasn’t prepared to answer that question, and though part of me wanted to screw it all and find out, I was always held back by fear. Oh, but it was hard. Wayne in particular seemed to like kissing me on the cheek, and more than once I considered the fact that if I just turned ever so slightly, it would turn into a real kiss. I had so many questions. I thought perhaps if I just understood why they did it that I could put it out of my mind for good. But, again, it wasn’t something we talked about. Not that I didn’t try. I tried to be subtle, mentioning how much I missed my wife when I was in L.A., but nothing seemed to phase them. More often than not, everyone would agree, and Ryan sometimes went off to phone his wife when I spoke like that. Once, however, when Ryan and Colin were sitting particularly close on one of the green room’s couches, and I had brought it up, Ryan simply stared at me, not saying a word. Maybe he was finally getting the hint. I think he felt a bit guilty. He was always the first to point out his wedding ring. Odd considering how willing, even eager he was to kiss Colin on stage. Perhaps he was ashamed of the relationship. Whatever the case, attempting to figure those two out became somewhat of a hobby for me. One memory in particular stands out clearly. A few weeks before the next season’s taping was to begin, I randomly caught an episode of Whose Line on tv. It wasn’t from a taping I had participated in, so I settled down to watch. After all, I loved watching the others work just as much as I enjoyed playing with them. Song styles that night had Wayne signing in the style of a strip-o-gram, and oh God, it turned me on far more than I’d like to admit. I had the house to myself for the moment. When Wayne started to undo his belt I felt my own hand slipping across my thigh, skimming the front of my jeans over my growing erection. I had gotten as far as pulling my zipper down before I realized just what I was doing. I stilled, looking around before remembering that my wife was out shopping. That thought in itself had me straightening, yanking up my zipper and practically sitting on my hands to keep them still. It wasn’t difficult to regain some sense of self control, though I did feel a twinge of... something... deep in the pit of my stomach when Wayne dissolved into laughter at the end of the song. The man is adorable when he loses it like that. Anyway, the show progressed without incident from there. I found myself watching Ryan and Colin again. This episode was taped before I found out about them, though there was obviously something there between them. But it seemed different somehow. They came to a game of Narrate, and something clicked. I vaguely remembered hearing something about that game years ago, but couldn’t quite remember what. Then Colin said two words and everything fell into place. “...Maltese Burger...” Ah.... Colin so set himself up for what happened next. I watched Ryan’s face as Colin went on an on, describing what Ryan would have to do. Ryan knew it would have to be spectacular. In the end, just as Colin stepped back into the scene, Ryan looked rather resolved. He had come up with the perfect solution, but he wasn’t sure if he could go through with it. Ryan took one step forward, grasped Colin’s head with both hands and planted a firm kiss on his mouth. Colin sure as Hell hadn’t expected it; I’m not sure Ryan believed what he had done. When the kiss ended, I found my eyes flicking back and forth between the two, but it was impossible to decipher their thoughts; I couldn’t tell what was real and what was acting. What interested me most as I watched the show, perched on the edge of my couch in my darkened living room wasn’t the kiss, however, nor even Wayne’s dancing from earlier. It was one off hand comment, barely heard about the roaring of the crowd. “I think that was the first time I kissed you....” At that point I started to laugh. The idea was ludicrous. The kiss I had witnessed in the corridor of the studio had happened maybe a year later. There was no way this relationship was so new. I had to find out. Screw the whole ‘we’re not talking about it’ mentality that everyone adhered to. The next time I saw Ryan or Colin I was going to ask. Turned out to be Ryan. I actually hesitated in bringing it up. I’ve had Ryan’s anger directed at me before, and let me tell you it’s not fun. Curiosity won out in the end. Wayne, Ryan and I were waiting in the green room before the first taping of that season. Wayne and I were playing chess, Ryan pacing. We didn’t ask why; we didn’t have to. Colin had yet to arrive and considering that the Canadian only spent about six weeks a year in the states, it was obvious that Ryan was eager to see his best friend. I spent most of the chess game trying to figure out a way to bring it up. Colin was getting very close to being late, and I knew that time was running out. The moment Colin walked in that door, Ryan would whisk him away, wardrobe and makeup be damned. Just as Wayne declared “Check mate,” I decided that whether the words were right, I had to ask now. We were setting the pieces back into their molded Styrofoam homes when I said, as casually as possible, “I caught an episode of the show on tv the other night.” “Oh?” Wayne replied politely. Ryan didn’t reply at all; I doubt he even heard me, he was so caught up in his own thoughts. “Yeah,” I continued, louder, and turned to face Ryan, leaving Wayne to finish the clean up. “There was that game of Narrate on – the Maltese Burger one.” Ryan paused and turned to look at me, though he still didn’t speak. I could feel Wayne’s eyes on me and flicked my gaze to him briefly, noting and completely ignoring the warning look he gave me. “I was curious,” I stated, taking a step toward Ryan. “After that game you said that was the first time you kissed Colin, but that’s not possible, is it?” Ryan opened his mouth and then closed it without making a sound. His eyes narrowed dangerously. Shit. He looked like he wanted to hit me, so I tried to tone down the insinuation. “You guys have been doing improv together for what, twenty years? You really never found reason to kiss before?” It seemed to work. Some of the tension fled Ryan’s shoulders. “No,” he said. “That was the first time we kissed.” “You’re kidding me.” I spoke before I had time to think, and there was a lacing of derision under my disbelief. Ryan looked very, very angry. He crossed the distance between us and I was suddenly reminded of how very tall he was. “What are you–“ he started to say, but just then the door opened. We all looked up, startled, but it was just Colin, looking flushed, but happy. His eyes swept the room, taking in our positions: Ryan and I facing off, the tension a palpable thing, Wayne hanging back, but ready to jump in if he was needed. Colin’s smile faltered ever so slightly, but he held on to it, moving into the room with a forced sense of casualness. “Hey,” he greeted the room at large. His eyes darted to Ryan. “Sorry I’m late. What’s, um, what’s going on?” “Nothing,” Ryan said immediately and with a cheerfulness that was so fake it was painful. “Okay...,” Colin looked to Wayne and I, but apparently found no answers. He turned back to Ryan and slowly closed the distance between them as he asked, “Did you want to go... talk?” “About what?” Ryan hadn’t moved. That was obviously not the answer Colin expected. He paused, confusion written across his features. For some time he didn’t speak, just watched Ryan. Finally he took one last step forward and said, “Just... you know, catching up. It’s been a while.” “Sure,” Ryan shrugged, the tension still evident in the stiffness of the movement. He walked away to seat himself on one of the couches. “Let’s talk..” “But,” Colin began to gesture toward myself and Wayne, but stopped himself. It was far too obvious that he had anything but talking in mind. “Well we were just leaving,” Wayne cut in suddenly. He took hold of my upper arm and began steering me toward the door. The pressure of his fingers digging into my skin bordered on painful. “Don’t leave on out account,” Ryan was saying, but Wayne merely smiled at him. “No, it’s okay. I had something I wanted to talk to Chip about in private.” Throughout this transaction, Colin hadn’t moved. He stood very still in the center of the room, eyes locked on the far wall, mouth set in a grim line. As soon as we were outside, Wayne dropped my arm. I hesitated while he walked away. I wanted to eavesdrop; I was far too interested in what was going on behind that door. I didn’t, though. After only a moment my conscious kicked in along with guilt. After all, I was prying into things that were absolutely none of my business, and therefore ultimately responsible for whatever was happening between Ryan and Colin just then. I sprinted to catch up with Wayne, falling in step beside him as we slowly wandered the studio’s corridors. The place was a mad house. The taping would be starting in a little more than a half an hour, and technicians and interns flitted about paying us little mind. I eventually noticed that Wayne was leading us toward our dressing rooms. He opened the door to his own, gesturing for me to enter before coming in and closing the door behind us. I stood just inside, watching Wayne as he leaned back against the door, his eyes on the floor. It seemed to take an eternity until he looked up and met my gaze. “You shouldn’t have said that.” Something snapped inside of me. I was suddenly, irrationally angry. “Why? Why don’t we talk about Colin and Ryan? Everyone knows, so what’s the big deal?” Wayne shook his head. “They’re not ready to deal with it yet.” “Not ready?” I couldn’t help the sardonic laugh that erupted from my lips. “It’s only been, what, twenty years? When are they going to be ready?” “Two years.” I stopped, mouth hanging open, mid-rant. “What?” I was pretty sure I had understood what Wayne was saying; it just seemed so... so impossible. He was nodding slowly. “They’ve only been together for two years.” “But that’s–“ I gestured vaguely, shaking my head in disbelief. “I mean, even back in England they were too... it can’t be.” Wayne was still nodding. He was biting his lip as though caught up in thought. He knew something, but he wasn’t sure if he should tell me. Finally he sighed, one long exhale, and his shoulders seemed to slump with resignation. He opened his mouth, closed it again. His fingers tapped a rhythm on his thigh. “Ryan...” he trailed off, sucked in a deep breath. “I think he was telling the truth.” I didn’t have to ask what Wayne was referring to. “I...” The tapping grew more insistent. “I saw something that day.” His eyes slid shut. His brows were furrowed. He wanted, needed to say this, but he’d spent so long fighting the urge that the words wouldn’t come. What followed was a tale that eerily resembled my own. “It was after the taping,” Wayne said. His eyes were still closed. It was as if in not looking at me he could pretend he wasn’t breaking the rules he had set for himself so long ago. “Drew and I had been talking, so it was a little while before I got the chance to go back to my room to change. While I was walking back, I saw Colin... pacing in the hall in front of Ryan’s room. He looked kind of upset, and I was just about to ask him what was wrong when Ryan came out. “Colin stopped pacing, and they just stared at each other. I knew that I shouldn’t be there. I was standing in full view, but I felt like I was spying. They hadn’t seen me yet and I just knew that I shouldn’t be seeing this. “It was strange. They said hi to each other and kept staring. After a while Colin said something like “What happened out there doesn’t change anything, does it?” but before he could finish, Ryan cut him off with this really harsh “No,” and I just remember being really confused. I couldn’t imagine what they could be talking about. “Anyway, Colin looked even more upset, but also kind of relieved. He said something about having to go and started to leave, but then Ryan grabbed him and, um....” Wayne lifted the hand that had been tapping his thigh to rub at his temples, trying to recall more of the memory. “I can’t really remember what happened next. They kept talking without finishing their sentences. Answering like they were reading each other’s minds. Ryan.... I think he was talking about it just being part of the game and Colin kept saying “I know” over and over and then....” Here Wayne paused. His hand dropped back to his side. His eyes opened very slowly and he watched me intently. “Then Ryan said ‘This doesn’t change anything because I already loved you.’ “And I remember Colin looked really happy and really, really scared. And then they were kissing. I mean really kissing... and it was...” a ghost of a smile flitted over Wayne’s lips, and he laughed, shaking his head, “it was... this is going to sound stupid, but it was beautiful because you could tell they’d never kissed like that before. I don’t know how I could tell, but I could, and it was just amazing to watch.” Wayne stopped, and I had the distinct impression that the story was over. He still had that small smile on; his eyes were distant, lost in the memory. I wanted him to go on; I wanted every detail he had to offer, but at the same time he had told me more than I’d ever hoped to learn. For now it would have to be enough. I turned away from Wayne to cross the floor and fall onto his love seat. I supposed that it all made a sort of sense. “So,” I said, drawing Wayne out of his reverie, “that was them giving in to it?” It took a moment for him to regain the thread of conversation. Once he did, however, he chuckled, “Ah... no....” He licked his lips, throwing me a mischievous smile. Now that he’d told his story, he seemed far more relaxed. “It was,” he said slowly, “the first time they kissed, but I think – I know – there was something more... physical... going on before that.” “I see...,” I said, but I didn’t really. I mean, I understood what Wayne was saying, but it didn’t make sense. “But wouldn’t that mean that it’s been more than two years? How long as this been going on?” Wayne considered that for a moment as he traversed the room to settle on the arm of the couch and propped one leg on the seat beside him, leaning forward on his bent knee, facing me. “I guess it’s around seven. Maybe more.” “And they’re still not ready to deal with it?” “Well, it’s different now.” Wayne was watching me, all traces of humor gone. “They never meant to fall in love.” Oh. Suddenly I understood everything. Ryan and Colin had been friends – best friends – who had taken to helping each other out with certain problems when they were away from their wives. Considering how close they were, it most likely came very naturally with just a bit of initial awkwardness. Add feelings to the mix, however, and the situation would become far more complicated. I nodded to myself. There had to be a whole Hell of a lot of guilt and confusion on both their parts. I wouldn’t want to talk about it either. Still, I had more questions, first and foremost being, “How do you know all this?” Wayne shrugged. He wasn’t going to tell me. Instead he tilted his head to one side, still watching me, and asked, “Why are you so interested?” “Um....” I could feel a slow burn creeping up my cheeks. I don’t think I would have been so embarrassed over the fact that they were making me curious if the object of my fantasies wasn’t the one asking. Wayne saved me from answering. He brushed the question off with a wave of his hand. “I understand. They make me wonder, too.” Oh, God, I don’t think I’ve ever heard better words spoken. I blinked at Wayne, but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. He couldn’t be saying what I thought he was saying, could he? Even if he was, there was no way he was talking about me... right? I had to ask. Just at that moment the door flung open and we both jerked our heads up to see Dan standing in the doorway looking more than a little perturbed. “Please tell me you’ve been to wardrobe already.” I wondered just how long that conversation had taken. It couldn’t have been that long, but I could see how Dan could be frustrated that his stars weren’t waiting patiently in the green room. We both nodded, and he seemed to relax, but only for a moment. “Good. Where the Hell are Ryan and Colin?” I frowned and turned to look at Wayne, who simply shrugged at me before we both turned back to Dan. “They’re not in the green room?” Wayne asked. “No,” Dan sighed. “Nor are they in their dressing rooms. God.” He shook his head, running his fingers through his hair in exasperation before jerking a hand out to point at us. “Go to the green room and stay there. Taping starts in twenty minutes.” The moment the door slammed behind him, Wayne started to laugh. “Looks like everything is okay between them after all.” I wasn’t so sure. Sure, Ryan and Colin could be off somewhere humping like bunnies, but it was just as plausible for them to have found somewhere private to fight. I had forgotten to feel guilty during Wayne’s story, but now it came back full force. Without another word, Wayne lifted himself from the couch, crossing to the door, and only pausing when he realized I hadn’t moved. “Chip?” I nodded, picked myself up and walked toward him. His hand was on the door knob. I placed my hand over his; I found I couldn’t meet his eyes. “Can we talk about this later?” He didn’t reply at first. I could hear him breathing beside me, calm but shallow. The silk of his sleeve slid against my bare forearm. “I’ve told you everything I know.” We both ignored the fact that he was lying. After all, I think we both knew that I wasn’t alluding to Ryan and Colin. He was shooting me down. “How about...,” Wayne continued calmly. I could feel the tension in his hand beneath mine. “I’ll think about it.” I reflected as we made our way back to the green room that that had been one of the oddest conversations of my life. I never knew I could say so much without actually saying anything. I was filled with the strangest sense of anticipation. I couldn’t say if I was excited or scared of what would happen if we did get around to having that talk. Ryan and Colin were in the green room when we arrived, looking for all the world like they’d always been there, calm and unhurried. They were seated on the couch, thighs barely touching, both holding sections of a newspaper; Ryan was reading the sports while Colin did the crossword. They looked up when we entered. Our confusion at seeing them there must have shown on our faces because they almost immediately burst out laughing. Wayne was the first to shake it off. He smiled at the guys and said, “You know Dan is looking for you.” Colin just laughed harder and Ryan’s eyes twinkled mischievously. “I hope he’s furious,” was all he said. I found myself relaxing immensely, even joining in the laughter after a moment. It looked like everything was all right after all. The taping passed in a blur with only key moments sticking out in my mind. I tried not to watch Ryan and Colin so much, mostly out of respect. It wasn’t that hard to do since my attention was elsewhere. Wayne was stunning as usual. I thanked God and any other deity that may have been listening for my ability to sing. Wayne and I usually play off each other well in songs, and tonight was no exception. They were suddenly my favorite part of the show. Greatest Hits in particular is a fabulous game. Not only do I get to play with Wayne, but the game itself is a thrill. I love having to come up with songs on the spur of the moment, and I think Ryan and Colin are at their best. They’re so natural, playing off each other, feeding off each other, that you can’t help but be captivated by them, wondering what they’ll come up with next. As I said, however, this all passed me by without a second thought. So much is going on, so many thoughts and ideas running through my mind at any given moment that once it’s all said and done, it’s hard to focus on any specific incidents... most of the time. One game, however, stayed with me for quite a while. We were playing Party Quirks. Wayne was, of course, the first guest. I flung the “door” open, welcoming him in with a flourish. He smiled at me, leering almost, and mimed using a walker. All right, I thought, he’s an old man, but I knew there had to be more to it than that, so I just went along with it, pointing out the refreshments as I waited for the rest of his quirk to be revealed. I wasn’t long in waiting. As he passed by me, Wayne lifted one hand from the walker to grab my ass. Nothing big, just a quick squeeze to one cheek before he continued on, giggling in that wheezy way he does when playing an older person. I paused then, watching him with an amused grin, and the door bell rang again. Colin entered, but I couldn’t say what his quirk was, nor Ryan’s for that matter. I remember having a bit of difficulty guessing Colin even though his actual quirk eludes me. I was far too interested in watching Wayne. It was obvious as time went on that he was playing a dirty old man. He moved about the stage continuing to touch the other players suggestively while making lewd comments. I waited until last to guess him. I think I wanted him to touch me again. He did, briefly slapping my ass and then giggling as he shuffled away once more. At that point I quickly guessed Ryan before beginning to work on Colin. I wasn’t getting him quite right, and looked to Drew for a hint. Drew, however, was a little distracted. Wayne had ambled his way over to our host and was currently groping at his crotch while Drew attempted to fend him off. Just then Wayne abandoned his attempts, abandoned his walker to place two hands on either side of Drew’s face to pull him into a sloppy kiss. I saw red. It shouldn’t have affected me so. I’d seen Wayne kiss (or attempt to kiss) Drew a dozen times before, but when Wayne’s lips touched Drew’s and Drew stopped fighting, even going so far as to lean in a bit, I felt myself go cold followed immediately by a wash of burning anger. Things were different now. It had been far too strenuous to admit to myself that I just might feel something more than friendship for Wayne; I wasn’t about to let anyone else have him. The moment that thought crossed my mind I was sickened nearly to the point of being physically ill. I was straight, damn it, and this was just a game. This is exactly why I hadn’t wanted to explore these feelings; the moment I allowed myself to wonder about another man I was finding myself far too attached to the idea, and I couldn’t let that happen. Colin was chuckling beside me. Without another thought, I shouted out another guess at his quirk. I knew I was right then because Colin gave a quick nod and began to head off stage. He stopped at the World’s Worst step, though, once he realized that Drew hadn’t buzzed. No, he was still too busy. I growled unconsciously low so that the microphone wouldn’t pick it up, and then cleared my throat loudly. Drew finally pushed Wayne away, and I repeated my guess about Colin before following it up with Wayne. Both guesses were correct and the game ended there. Ryan, Drew and Wayne joked about the game afterward, but I wasn’t paying attention. I was far too intent on trying to quell the mixture of anger and nausea that still threatened to overwhelm me. A hand lighted on my shoulder, and I looked up, startled, to see Colin watching me. “You okay?” he mouthed. I nodded quickly and forced myself to smile. I could tell he wasn’t really buying it, but he didn’t press the issue. We moved on to the next game, and soon I was back into the rhythm of things, Party Quirks pushed into the back of my mind for the moment. Normally after a taping we would all spend a little time together, going out to a bar for a few drinks before heading back to the hotel. All things considered, I had no illusions that we’d be getting around to that tonight. When the taping was finished and pickups done, we headed back to our dressing rooms in relative silence. Only Colin and Ryan were talking, but though the tone of their conversation was light, they were speaking too quietly for me to make out the words. I changed into my street clothes in record time, leaving wardrobe to clean up after me as I tore off down the hall to talk to Wayne. The door to his dressing room was closed. I hesitated in knocking, my hand hovering inches from the cheap wood. More than anything I wanted to address our conversation from earlier, needed to see what could come of it. But I was scared. What if I had misread him somehow? I still had no idea if he had any interest in me; we were both married, after all. Even if he had started to find himself attracted to men it didn’t mean he was willing to risk his marriage to explore that. Screw it, I thought, finally working up the will to knock. The worst that could happen was that he would shoot me down, and things would continue as normal. Best I find out sooner rather than later. “Wayne’s not there.” My hand paused mid-knock. I turned to see Ryan moving toward me. He had yet to change out of his stage clothes, and from the direction he was coming from, I deduced that he had been pulled into a meeting, probably some producer thing, before he had the chance. I shrugged, going for nonchalance and feeling that I’d pulled it off successfully enough. “I’ll wait.” “He’s in a meeting,” Ryan replied. He smiled then and averted his eyes. I felt as though he was laughing at me, that there was some joke I wasn’t getting. I didn’t see anything remotely funny about the situation, but it didn’t matter because then Ryan was talking again. “I think he’s going to be a while.” “Nothing’s wrong, is it?” “Oh, no,” Ryan said, still smiling. “I just don’t think you should wait for him... unless you had plans?” “Not really...,” I trailed off, frowning. I wasn’t willing to discuss this with Ryan. “I take it we’re not going out tonight?” “No,” Ryan shook his head. “Tonight’s not good for me.” He thought a moment and then said, “You could come with us tomorrow night, though.” That made sense. There were three tapings that weekend, though tonight’s was the only one I would be partaking in. I was doing a couple more in the weeks that followed, however, so I’d be hanging around. I had wanted to talk to Wayne tonight, but I supposed I could wait twenty four hours if I had to. “Sure.” I smiled, nodding my thanks. Then I paused, watching Ryan. He was being really nice to me, and I had been a bit of a bastard to him. “I’m sorry about earlier.” He looked confused for only a moment and then shrugged as if to say that it was no big deal, but he looked away, refusing to meet my eyes. “Really. It’s none of my business, and–“ “Don’t worry about it,” he said, still not looking at me. Damn it. I was trying to fix things, but instead I was just making him uncomfortable. I wanted to say something encouraging, let him know that his thing with Colin, whatever it may be, didn’t bother me. He was my friend; I wanted him to know that, but I couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound stupid or patronizing. In the end I just reached out and gave his shoulder a quick squeeze, not saying anything. I was rewarded with the slightest of smiles. I was feeling much better after that, but by the time I’d made it back to the hotel, I had begun thinking about Wayne again and decided that even if I wasn’t going out with the guys tonight, I needed a drink. There was a bar in the hotel which was far too overpriced, but it would do. I stopped at my room briefly to drop off the things I had brought to the studio and check my messages. I thought that there might be some word from Wayne as absurd as that sounds. I doubt he even knew what room I was in. There wasn’t, of course, though there was a message from my wife. Nothing drastic; she just called to say the usual, that she missed me and wanted me to call her when I got in. I didn’t. The guilt I was suddenly feeling would be far too plain. I knew it would make me feel worse for not calling her, but I didn’t care just then. My need for a nice, stiff drink had just about tripled. It was close to ten by the time I made it to the bar, and the place was hopping. People of every age and description, from scantily dressed girls I would have guessed wto be too young to be there to middle aged men in suits, were seated at every available table. Even the bar itself was full. I had just about resigned myself to breaking open the mini bar when I spotted an empty chair. I looked to see who might be occupying the table and felt my face split into a wide grin. “Greg! Brad!” The two men looked up from where they appeared to be going shot for shot against each other. I realized they must be the other fourth seaters planned for the weekend. They both grinned when they saw me and began waving me over emphatically. I nodded and then motioned to the bar to indicate I wanted to get myself a drink first. I was ecstatic; I hadn’t been looking forward to drinking alone. I ordered a simple rum and coke (heavy on the rum) but as I was about to turn back to the table a strong hand slapped me on the back. Brad shuffled up beside me, grinning wildly. “Can we get another shot glass?” he called to the bartender, and then turned back to me as the glass was placed before him. “Come on! Greg and I are doing shots of tequila. That can be your chaser.” He nodded to the glass in my hand, grinning all the while. I was so very glad I’d run into them just then. I saw neither Brad nor Greg very much considering that we were never on set at the same time, but from the little time I did spend with them, I regarded them both as good friends. Brad was always hyper, which tended to affect everyone around him. Greg, on the other hand, was more down to earth, but like Brad was also very smart and very lewd and very good company. I knew hanging out with the two of them would lift my spirits. “I figured you guys would be out at the bar,” Brad was saying as we seated ourselves. He said “the bar” rather than “a bar” because we tended to frequent the same locale throughout the years, a seedy little place where very few people recognized us just a few blocks from the studio. It certainly wasn’t the most upstanding establishment. It tended to be a hang out for a bit of a rougher crowd, though they usually behaved themselves. It was shabby, but clean, and we loved it dearly. I shrugged at Brad, all of this running through my head as I watched Greg sprinkle salt along the back of his hand, taking the first sip of my rum and coke. It left a pleasant burning sensation in the pit of my stomach; there was a lot of rum in it. “No one was really up for it tonight.” Greg chuckled and lifted his shot glass in a mock toast. “Trouble in paradise?” he joked. But the look on my face wiped the smile off his. He set down his glass without drinking, both eyebrows raised. “Something did happen then? I think we need details.” “Oh, it was...” I shook my head, waving the question away, “ it was nothing.” Brad and Greg exchanged a look, and I knew they weren’t buying it. Luckily they didn’t press the issue. Instead Greg reached for my shot glass, filling it and then pushing it toward me. “I think the newcomer needs to take a shot.” If I hadn’t been so desperate to forget just about everything that had happened that day, to hide behind the numbing wash of alcohol, I may have been suspicious of Greg’s motives. As it was, I accepted the glass greedily, lacing the side of my hand with salt and grabbing a lime from a dish on the table without thought. The conversation turned lighter then, for at least a short while as we all made it our mission to get absolutely hammered, discussing things of little consequence while we focused on the tequila. By midnight, Brad and Greg (who by this time I had learned had only arrived maybe ten minutes before me) and I were all pleasantly smashed. Greg appeared most in control and was currently steering the conversation toward more personal topics. The crowd in the bar had thinned considerably, most people either having had enough or moving on to find better entertainment. So it was that I heard Greg’s next question, however low he may have asked it, quite clearly. “So...” he slurred the word slightly, toying with his empty shot glass, “what did happen at the studio today?” I groaned into my glass. I had nearly forgotten why it was that I was drinking in the first place. Now that I was remembering, however, I was more than ready to rant about it, having lost all those pesky inhibitions somewhere around my sixth shot. “It was Ryan and Colin and their stupid little fling that no one talks about.” “Oh, that,” Brad chuckled. I realized, somehow through the drunken haze, that I had never attempted to discuss this with either man sitting before me. I never really had the chance before, but taking their personalities into consideration, they had to be just as frustrated about it all as I was. “They need to, like, come out on stage or something. I’m always telling Colin that,” Brad said. “He actually talks about it to you?” I was a little stunned. I knew Colin and Brad got on well, but it didn’t seem the type of thing Colin would divulge. “Oh, no,” Brad laughed. “He just doesn’t get mad at me when I bring it up like Ryan does, so I like to tease him about it.” “You’ve got balls; I’ll admit that.” I raised my glass in salute and finished off my drink. Greg did the same with his shot and then popped a lime into his mouth, sucking noisily. He went to refill his glass, and I noticed that the bottle of tequila was nearly empty. As soon as he replaced the bottle on the table, I had my hands around it, filling up my own glass. “So how’d you guys find out?” I asked. I was searching for the salt, but in my inebriated state it took me a moment to realize Greg had it. Brad was laughing again. He did that a lot, even more so when he was drunk. I found myself laughing along with him for no reason. “I walked in on them with their hands in each others’ pants.” It looked like he was blushing, though that could have been the alcohol. “You?” “I just saw them kissing,” I replied. Oddly enough, I think I might have been jealous of Brad. By no means was I a voyeur, but to see Ryan and Colin going at it had a certain appeal. Brad nodded and we both turned to Greg expectantly. He was staring into his drink, a wry smile on his lips. He seemed to sense our gazes after moment because he suddenly said, “You want to know how I found out?” Neither of us said a word. We could sense a story coming on, and it was obvious Greg would need no prodding to tell it. Apparently he did need courage, however, because before continuing he downed his shot – no salt, no lime. He looked up then, first to Brad and then meeting my eyes. “I found out about Ryan and Colin when Ryan left me for him.” The silence at our table was so absolute it was almost amusing. Almost. When I finally found my voice, I managed a stuttering “What?” but it was drowned out by Brad’s much louder “Holy fuck. You’re shitting me, right?” At Brad’s exclamation, Greg started to laugh. For the life of me I couldn’t see what was so funny and started to say as much, but Greg quieted us both down with a wave of his hand. “Okay, it’s not actually as dramatic as all that.” He nodded to himself, staring down into his once again empty glass. “Well, you know Ryan and I met a long time ago. Back when Whose Line was still a baby. Both being Americans, we kind of gravitated to each other, and I... well, I....” It was strange to see Greg so hesitant. He toyed with his glass nervously, running one finger along the rim. “I developed a crush on him.” Greg paused here. I think he was expecting us to be disgusted, though I thought that rather absurd, especially considering our obvious acceptance of Ryan and Colin. Brad and I looked to each other. Brad was smiling, both eyebrows raised as if to say “Now isn’t this interesting.” I smiled back before returning my attention to Greg. “Go on,” I said gently. I wondered if I should mention my thing for Wayne in an effort to make this more comfortable, but it didn’t seem the right time. Greg looked up at me then, so I continued to smile. “Don’t think you can tell us that and just stop,” I said, trying to make a joke out of it. It seemed to work. Greg gave me an answering smile, and he relaxed just the tiniest bit. He gave another nod and continued, this time brave enough to meet my and Brad’s eyes as he spoke. “I didn’t tell him how I felt, but I did manage to convince him to get sexual with me – as buddies. You know, jerking each other off and eventually a blow job here and there... and then Colin showed up. “Now don’t get me wrong, I liked the guy immediately, but he was just so... clingy with Ryan, especially at first. It took him a while to get comfortable in England, and during that time, Ryan and I rarely spent any time alone. It was fucking frustrating.” Greg chuckled, shaking his head. “Add to that the fact that you’d have to be blind, deaf, and pretty stupid to not see that Colin liked Ryan the way I did. I started to feel kind of bad because I had what he wanted, even if he didn’t have the guts to say it. Every time Ryan and I left him out of what we were doing he’d get this kicked puppy look. You know the one.” I nodded, and I could see Brad doing the same out of the corner of my eye. Mind, Colin had gained quite a bit of confidence since the days Greg spoke of. I didn’t see Colin upset all that often, but I think everyone knew the look Greg was referring to. “This went on for years,” Greg was continuing, “and Ryan and I spent less and less,” he smirked, “quality time together. I was disappointed, but not really upset. After all, I knew this was nothing more than a fling. Ryan was married. With kids. But then one day something was different. Ryan was keeping his distance, and I just knew that it was over. He told me as much after the taping. I expected some excuse about his wife, but he didn’t offer any explanation. He didn’t have to. “Colin was down the hall from us when he told me, and Ryan kept looking to him. I’m not stupid.” “That must have been awkward,” Brad put in. Greg thought about that for a moment and then shrugged. “Actually it wasn’t,” he said. “I think they’re good together. I did even back then. I was happy for them.” He paused again, thinking, and then said, “Colin knows what went on between Ryan and me. I’m positive. We’ve never talked about it, though. I do like Colin. Hell, I love the guy; I think that neither of us have brought it up because we’re afraid of what it could do to our friendship.” We all sat in silence for a few minutes after that, all lost in our own thoughts. The conversation had taken somewhat of a somber turn, and I’m not sure any of us knew where to take it from there. Suddenly Greg shook himself and looked right at me. “So why are you really here?” “What?” He shrugged. “Colin and Ryan can be frustrating, but they’re certainly not enough to drive someone to drink.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Greg raised one hand, silencing me. “You came in here alone looking to get plastered. Don’t bother denying it. So what’s up?” I considered protesting anyway, but there was no way Greg was going to let this go. Besides, I really did want to talk about it and given Greg’s confession it didn’t seem fair to lie to him. I sighed and said, “Wayne.” After the conversation we’d just had, it wasn’t necessary to explain just what about Wayne had me wanting to drown my sorrows. Greg nodded, blowing a breath out through his teeth. He raked a hand through his hair and said, “That’s probably not a good idea.” I looked up sharply. “He’s already involved with someone.” Brad gave a barking laugh, startling us both. “Like his wife?” Greg didn’t respond, but from the look he was giving Brad, it was more than a little obvious that we were definitely not talking about his wife. “Who?” I asked, hating the note of desperation in my voice. Greg shook his head, not meeting my eyes. “It’s not really my place to say.” Well fuck. I slumped in my chair. I was right when I guessed that Wayne wasn’t talking about me earlier. No wonder he was so hesitant. Brad started laughing, condescending disbelief plain on his face. “Am I the only straight guy on this show?” I started to argue that despite my current situation, I really did consider myself straight, but Greg cut me off with, “Now that is bullshit.” Brad looked shocked for just a moment before anger took over. “Who the Hell are you to tell me what my sexuality is?” It was rare to see Brad so emotional. I know it startled me, and it looked to have affected Greg as well. He leaned back a bit before raising both hands defensively. “Look, I’m not saying you’re gay–“ “You’re going to tell me you’re straight then?” Greg shook his head. “I’m not saying that either.” “So what are you saying?” “If you’d shut the fuck up for half a second, I’ll tell you.” Brad looked more than a little affronted at this, but he kept his mouth closed. “Now,” Greg said, looking to Brad though flicking his eyes briefly to me to let me know I was still part of this conversation, “It’s rare to be one hundred percent straight. Or one hundred percent gay for that matter,” he added as an afterthought. “Almost everyone has fantasies about members of the same sex – finds themselves attracted to another guy at one point. Doesn’t mean it’s very strong or that they ever do anything about it, but it’s there. After what Chip and I just told you, I think it’s really shitty of you to act like we’re the weird ones.” Brad just stared at Greg; he seemed to have calmed considerably. “So,” Greg said in a mockingly cheerful tone, “with all the sexual stuff we do on stage, you can’t tell me that it hasn’t once crossed your mind.” “Well....” “Who is it for you?” “Who is it for me?” Brad echoed uncomprehendingly. Greg sighed. “Don’t play dumb, Sherwood. If you could experiment with one guy on the show, who would it be?” Brad didn’t answer right away. There was a tinge of pink in his cheeks, and this time I was certain it had nothing to do with the alcohol. Brad frowned, staring down at the polished walnut of the table before him and mumbled something. “Pardon?” Greg asked. I leaned forward, wanting to hear this as well. Brad flushed deeper and looked up sharply at Greg. “You. All right? Happy now?” Happy isn’t the word I would use to describe Greg at that moment, though he did look rather smug. “Quite.” With a frustrated groan, Brad pushed away from the table, nearly knocking his chair over in his desperation to get up – to get away from us. He grumbled something about having to go to bed and slapped a few bills on the table. Greg and I watched him stalk off, only stumbling slightly as he was still quite drunk. Greg heaved another sigh as he watched Brad go. He reached for the bottle of tequila, pouring himself a drink and then emptying the rest into my glass. “Should we go after him?” Greg shrugged and downed his drink. “Maybe. Probably. I’ll talk to him.” Despite the rather depressing way our little party had ended, I found myself smiling. “Talk?” I asked, barely suppressing a chuckle. Greg just rolled his eyes, but a smile was curving the corners of his mouth. His eyes drifted to the empty doorway or the bar. I wished I could read his mind. I finished my own drink quickly and reached for a lime. My stomach was starting to rebel against the copious amounts of the vile liquor. I ended up draining the juice out of one lime and then another before my queasiness subsided. I would definitely have a hangover in the morning. We paid our tab, leaving a generous tip and then walked to the elevator together in silence. The Whose Line contestants were always put up on the same floor of the hotel, so I didn’t bother to ask Greg where his stop would be; I just pushed the button for nine and stepped back. “So,” Greg said as we watched the little numbers light up at each subsequent floor, “Wayne, huh?” I shrugged. “You’d be better off just forgetting about him. He’s pretty much having an affair already.” Something clicked. I stole a look at Greg out of the corner of my eye. “It’s Drew, isn’t it?” He didn’t answer, but then, he didn’t have to. We parted at the elevator after exchanging room numbers, Greg heading left while I went right. We’d both be in L.A. for some time, and for the moment at least, we’d be calling these rooms home. I watched Greg move away from me after I’d reached my door. I wondered what the other guys were doing, thinking that they were all somewhere on this floor. I knew Colin was only a few doors down from myself, but aside from him and now Greg, I had neglected to get any information from the others. Greg’s room was down the hall and around a corner, but I wasn’t surprised to see him stop after only a few feet and knock at a door. A moment later it opened and though I couldn’t make out the words, the lilt of Brad’s voice was unmistakable. At that point I decided to give them a modicum of privacy and headed into my own room, desperate for a nice, long sleep. Chapter 2 I woke the next morning with the sun in my eyes and an absolutely splitting headache. I groaned and rolled over, pulling the blanket over my head. The ache abated to a dull thrum, but it was still too painful for me to even image going back to sleep. I considered checking the time, but that would mean having to deal with the sun again. Why didn’t I close the curtains before going to bed? Just then the phone rang and I groaned, burying deeper into the covers. Each trill was like a rail spike driving into my skull. Finally it stopped and I relaxed minutely, that is, until the phone began to ring again a few seconds later. Persistent bastard. I squirmed my hand out from beneath the covers, reaching blindly for the source of my discomfort. I felt a small sense of triumph in actually finding and lifting the receiver. I was seriously considering just hanging the phone back up, but whoever was on the other end would most likely just call back. I tugged the receiver under the blanket and placed it against my ear. “H-hello?” “Morning, Sunshine!” Oh. My. God. Not a voice I needed to hear first thing in the morning, especially when suffering from a hangover. “Jesus, Greg,” I ground out, “Can you tone it down?” “Whoops, sorry.” He laughed, short and sharp, and no quieter. I figured the best way to deal with him was to find out what in the Hell he wanted and then get rid of him. “Did you need something?” “Yes!” he barked. “Get dressed. We’re going out.” “Fuck no. I’m not going anywhere.” “Sure you are,” he laughed again and hung up. Well shit. It sounded like I was going to have a whole day of Greg regardless of whether I wanted it. I forced myself out of bed. The headache, while still there, wasn’t bothering me so much. Instead it was replaced by a strange, fuzzy feeling as if I were trying to function inside a ball of cotton. From his abrupt departure I assumed Greg would be coming over. I performed my morning rituals, using the toilet and brushing my teeth in an attempt to get the horrid taste of stale tequila out of my mouth. I knew I didn’t have time to shower, but that could wait. It was just as well since the moment I finished rinsing out my mouth there was a knock on the door. A slightly muffled cry of “Wake up, sleepy head!” reached my ears, and I moved to let Greg in. I still wasn’t ready to deal with him, but once he was inside he’d most likely stop yelling – or I’d strangle him. Thank God for small miracles, for when I opened the door, not only did Greg quiet down, but he was holding out a couple of Excedrin and one of those glasses you find in any hotel room you’ve ever stayed in filled with water. I let him in with a nod of gratitude, taking the items and downing the pills before the door had even shut. I mumbled something about needing a shower and Greg accepted that, seemingly more interested in snooping through my things. The water felt fabulous coursing down my skin; by the time I slipped back into the main room, a towel slung around my waist, I was feeling almost normal. Greg had gone through my clothes and laid out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt for me as well as undergarments. I dressed in silence. Now that my head had cleared somewhat the earlier dread I had felt at the thought of going out had disappeared, and now I was just curious as to where Greg would take me. He kept checking his watch. “So where are we going?” It had been some time since either of us had spoken and my sudden question seemed to startle Greg. He recovered quickly, throwing me a mysterious smile and simply saying, “You’ll see. We’d better hurry, though, or we’ll never get in.” I accepted this, pulling on socks and shoes as quickly as I could. We caught a cab, and I was more than a little surprised to hear Greg rattle off the address of the studio. I blinked at him. “What are we...?” Greg smiled. “We’re going to go watch today’s taping.” “Okay.... Why?” It seemed so random, and oddly enough, a bit thrilling. From the way Greg had spoken I assumed we’d be getting in with the rest of the audience rather than going back stage. It was deliciously devious, the thought that we’d be watching our coworkers without their knowledge. As we approached the already quite long line formed outside the studio, I took a moment to think that we’d have done well to disguise ourselves. Greg didn’t seemed concerned, though, and just then, walking through the lot with the sun warming my face, hands shoved in my front pockets, I found I wasn’t concerned either. We took our place at the back of the line without being noticed. The girls before us were huddled in a tight group, absorbed in conversation. Before them was an elderly couple who glanced our way, but otherwise paid us little mind. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a security guard approach us. “Do you have tickets?” “Ah...” I turned to Greg. “We don’t, do we?” “Crap.” Greg frowned. “I forgot about that.” We both turned to the guard to find her staring at us, obviously confused. “Wait...” She shook her head. “But aren’t you...?” I smiled. “Probably. Is that a problem?” “No, of course not.” She was looking more and more confused. “But what are you–“ “We came to watch the show like everyone else,” Greg cut in. “Oh.” That seemed to satisfy her. She turned, pointing a little ways away. “The stage entrance is–“ “We can’t wait in line?” Greg asked, cutting her off for the second time. The woman turned back to us, frowning. “Well...” She looked around, spotted another guard and waved him over. “Mr. Eston and Mr. Proops are here,” she told him, indicating us. He gave a succinct nod and turned to us. “The stage entrance–“ “We don’t want the stage entrance,” Greg said. His patience was wearing thin and it was showing. “Oh.” I couldn’t help it; I started to laugh. Was it really so strange for us to want to be treated like normal people? “Hey,” I said, catching everyone’s attention. “We just want to sit in the audience and watch the show.” When that didn’t convince them I decided the truth might be the best way to go. I sighed. “Look, we don’t want the other guys to know we’re here, okay? It’s sort of a surprise.” That, unfortunately, did nothing to gain their trust. I raised my hands defensively. “We’re not going to do anything weird or disruptive. We just want to watch. Why is that so odd?” It seemed nothing I could say would convince them, but after another moment they relented nonetheless, handing us tickets and moving away. The female guard kept throwing us strange looks, but I saw no evidence that either she or the male guard were going to give us away. However, that conversation did manage to attract the attention of the group of girls. A petite red head was turned toward us, mouth hanging open. I smiled at her. “Hi.” She was silent for just another second before letting out a high pitched “Oh my God!” followed by a rambling diatribe about how much she adored us. Needless to say news travels fast, and we spent the rest of the time in line signing autographs and conversing with the fans. I, for one, enjoyed these moments. I was by no means some huge celebrity, and to get the attention, however slight and far between, was always nice. Surprisingly, Greg seemed to be enjoying it as much as I was. I must admit that I didn’t know Greg exceptionally well, but from what little I did know, he didn’t seem the type to cater to simpering fan girls. On the other hand he had pretty much set himself up for this so he had to be in the mood for it. Most of the conversations revolved around the regulars of the cast: fans wanting to know awfully personal information about Wayne, Drew, Ryan and Colin. I’d accepted long ago that I wasn’t and never would be the most popular guy on Whose Line, not that I didn’t have my fair share of fans, and answered their questions as politely and honestly as I could. One of the most amusing questions came from the groups of girls before us in line. I had thought they had exhausted their curiosity some time ago when suddenly two of them broke away to approach Greg and I expectantly, waiting patiently as we signed autographs for other fans. It was the red head again, blushing nervously as she stood alongside a taller blond girl. As soon as there was a pause in the onslaught, the blond stepped forward, catching our attention. “Are Ryan and Colin a couple?” she asked without preamble, voice strong and sure. I was a little thrown at her boldness, but Greg just started laughing. “What do you think?” She stared at him, eyes boring into his in an apparent attempt to read his mind. Suddenly her shoulders slumped and she sighed. “Probably not.” “Really?” Greg asked, grinning devilishly. “Because I always thought they were.” I chuckled then. He was telling the truth, but the girl looked utterly lost, having no idea just what to believe. “You do?” she asked, sounding far less assured than only a minute ago. I felt obligated to intercede, to tell her that no, Ryan and Colin were just friends... but I couldn’t. It would be a lie. At the same time, however, I had no right to out my friends. “Oh, yeah,” Greg was saying, really getting into it. “Don’t you see the way they’re always touching each other and whispering to each other....” The girl looked more lost than ever. Suddenly I knew exactly what to say to her. “Hey,” I said, laying one hand on Greg’s shoulder to quiet him. “If they are a couple, they’ve never said anything to us.” It was perfect: allaying all suspicions while remaining absolutely true. I did feel a pang of guilt at the girl’s crestfallen expression and spoke my next words before I had a chance to think them over. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there was something they weren’t telling us, though.” The disappointment faded into speculation as the girl tried to figure out just what it was I was telling her. She gave me the smallest of smiles, and I returned it innocently, silently vowing not to say another word. The red head had hung back until now, but she suddenly seemed to regain her confidence, springing forward to ask, “Will you guys sit with us?” I shrugged and turned to Greg who simply shrugged back. “Sure,” he said. After all, we were just going in as part of the crowd. It didn’t really matter where we sat. Actually that wasn’t entirely true. We did have to make sure that we’d end up in a section that didn’t get a lot of air time or we’d definitely be spotted. Fortunately, though it was true we had waited in line for hours, we had arrived rather late in comparison, which earned us seats in what Drew so colorfully refers to as the “ignored section.” What followed was a game I like to call “Let’s Hide Our Faces from Dan’s Assistants.” They were flitting about, making people remove hats, take off or put on jackets and even switch seats for aesthetic purposes. Our section wasn’t unscathed when the onslaught was over, but it certainly took less damage than the rest. For the most part we really were being ignored. Our groups of girls had split by this time. Originally five, only three stayed with us while the other two opted to go searching for better seats. In the end it was the red head and blond to my right, Greg to my left and a third girl to his. Going inside the studio didn’t mean the fans were going to ignore us, though we all tried to keep it a bit more low key. We continued to converse with the girls and a few people in surrounding rows, answering questions about things like what went on before the show, what it was like back stage, and of course the ever popular how much of the show was really improvised. In no time Dan had come out to take questions and explain the proceedings, and then Drew and the guys came out. It felt very surreal to be on this side of the stage, to be seeing them from a fan’s perspective. I was seeing things that I never saw on stage. After all, I spent most of my time on stage staring out at what I could see of the audience beyond the bright lights or watching the other guys’ backs from my seat. Now I could see everything clearly. I found myself watching Ryan and Colin as the prerecorded opening played. They were conversing quietly, smiling. Eventually though my attention was drawn to Wayne. From what I could remember, he usually sat quietly as we waited for the show to begin, but today he was talking with Brad. I felt a sudden stab of jealousy. Maybe Wayne always talked at this time – just not with me. No, I was being stupid. I decided to push it out of my mind, and besides, seeing Wayne and Brad talk reminded me of something I had forgotten until now. “So,” I turned to Greg, “what happened last night?” Greg smiled, though he kept his eyes on the performers. “Why Mr. Eston, I’m sure I have no idea as to what you’re referring to.” I laughed softly, turning my gaze back to the stage and lowering my voice as Drew began the show’s introduction. “Now who’s bullshitting?” Greg chuckled in response. Drew was calling the first game: Let’s Make a Date. Greg’s eyes followed Brad as he took his place as the contestant. “He hit me.” “Hit you?” That came out a little louder than I’d expected in my surprise, and I quieted immediately. Wayne’s quirk had just appeared on the monitor above us, and my exclamation had luckily been drowned out in a sea of laughter. I glanced up to see that Wayne was playing Colin’s disapproving mother. I smiled, watching Wayne affect a stern female voice. I wondered what Colin’s quirk would be. For the moment Wayne’s act was fairly generic; he didn’t have anything to play off just yet. I looked back to Greg. “What did you do?” Greg shrugged. “Nothing. Honestly we just talked.” Brad was moving on to Colin. He had been eyeing Wayne curiously, and it looked as though he already pretty sure he’d figured him out. I believed that Greg had done nothing more than talk with Brad, but from what I knew of his personality, talking could be enough to get him in a lot of trouble. “It appears,” Greg continued suddenly as Colin’s quirk flashed on the monitors, “that our dear Mr. Sherwood isn’t quite ready to join the ranks of the sexually ambiguous.” “I see....” I wanted to think about this. Last night I hadn’t gotten the impression that Greg was interested in Brad in any way beyond friendship, but from the way he was talking now I wasn’t so sure. At that moment, however, I became thoroughly distracted as Colin got into his quirk. He was playing a superhero attempting to hide his alter ego. He began fairly normally, miming pushing his glasses up with two fingers and taking on the personality of a mild mannered office worker. Halfway through answering Brad’s question he suddenly stopped, cocking his head to one side as if listening for something. Giving a little placating chuckle, he excused himself to begin searching the stage. Finally he stopped and cried out in frustration, “Where’s a phone booth when you need one?” I glanced at the other guys briefly. Brad and Wayne looked lost, but Ryan, who hadn’t moved from his position facing the audience smiled just a little. He seemed to know exactly what was going on. Finally Colin crawled underneath the piano and took off his clothes, which gained quite a reaction from the audience, before pulling on what I assumed to be his superhero costume. Exiting from under the piano, he tossed off his glasses and mimed his cape blowing in the wind. He stood in a stereotypical hero pose as he scanned the audience. Inspiration hit him and he “flew” across the stage to circle around Drew’s desk, pointing and crying “You’ll never get away with this, Buzzer... Points Man!” Drew just stared at him, chuckling softly. Suddenly Colin fell to his knees and crawled under Drew’s desk. I found myself laughing along with the audience. Drew shoved his chair back, though whether to escape or just make room for Colin wasn’t clear. Either way, the shock that showed plainly on his face was priceless. Rather than actually going under Drew’s desk, however, Colin crawled behind him to the audience and pulled a girl from the front row, coercing her into crawling back to Drew’s desk with him. Once there, Colin sprang to his feet, bringing the girl with him, one arm around her waist. “You’re safe now!” I think he said to her, but honestly it was hard to hear him over the roar of the crowd and Drew’s own laughter. Colin flew her back to her seat and she gave him a quick hug and a peck on the cheek. “All in a day’s work!” he cried, one again affecting the hero pose. Something seemed to occur to him just then and he ran back under the piano to change his clothes, finally regaining his seat with the other bachelors. Brad and Wayne were still laughing, but Ryan simply smirked at Colin and said, “You forgot your glasses.” Colin’s eyes widened dramatically for a moment before he sprinted back off his stool and retrieved his imaginary glasses from where he’s thrown them somewhere up stage. It was another few moments before everyone, both on and off stage, regained enough control for the game to continue. Brad was still giggling when he addressed Ryan. “Bachelor number three....” “Hello!” Ryan replied at once, taking on a southern accent. He hunched over in his seat slightly in a pose that I’d come to recognize as him playing an older person. “Bachelor number three,” Brad began again, “if you were going to take me out on a romantic date, where would we go?” “Hmm....” Ryan leaned forward further and rubbed at his chin, thinking. His quirk appeared on the monitors: an old prospector searching for gold in the other bachelors’ pants. I think I just about went deaf for a moment there, the crowd was cheering so loud. I was amused to hear Greg cheering rather lasciviously along with them. I leaned forward expectantly. I loved doing Whose Line, but for some reason I’d never imagined watching it would be just as fun. “Well,” Ryan said once the audience had quieted. He stood and mimed plucking some tools from his belt before crossing in front of Wayne. True to his character, Wayne simply looked up at Ryan, a frown on his face. “I guess I’d take you down to the mines,” he continued and swung what I believed to be a pickaxe at Wayne’s crotch. Startled, Wayne gave a little jump, but the next instant he was back in character, crossing his legs and turning angrily to Colin. “And just look at your friends!” he shouted, giving Ryan a shove. Colin looked to Wayne quizzically, a small smile playing about his lips as he gave a shrug. Ryan eventually relented, muttering something about that mine being purged, which had the audience giggling. He moved on to Colin and I leaned forward even more; I was practically falling out of my seat. I felt the girl to my right doing the same and had to suppress a laugh. It looked like I was no better than some rabid fan girl. Ryan poked around Colin’s crotch for a bit, but righted himself quickly saying that another person had already lay claim to this one. I think I sighed, frustrated. I turned to the girl beside me, and was surprised to see her smiling at me. I suppose I was being a little too obvious, but it was fun to finally be open about this apparently forbidden relationship. I smiled back at her before returning my attention to the action. Ryan was looking rather downtrodden, not having found any gold. Suddenly he gave a cackling laugh and pointed across the stage to Drew. He practically skipped over there amidst gales of laughter, his pickaxe ready in his hands. Drew scooted back a couple inches, but then stopped, as if figuring that Ryan couldn’t do anything that bad. Ryan did his miner bit, swinging his pick down and then pausing, bending low over Drew and muttering something about cobwebs. Then he squealed, reaching down and pulling out what was apparently a hunk of gold. After examining it, though, he tossed it aside in frustration. “Fool’s gold,” he said. Drew sounded the buzzer. They’d only done one round, but it had been a long one and I was sure Brad had enough clues. He guessed them all with little trouble and the show moved on. I had a lot of fun watching the taping. The only thing I can equate it to is eating at a restaurant: you could be eating the same thing you’ve had a million times at home, but the food just tastes better when you don’t have to go through the trouble of preparing it yourself. I ended up talking a lot to both Greg and the blond girl beside me as the hours passed, joking and commenting in hushed tones. We didn’t speak of anything serious, just talked about the games and such. The blond mentioned that she thought I did a better duet with Wayne than Brad did, and though I was flattered, I didn’t really have an opinion. It’s difficult to judge something like that. I was surprised to find that watching a show was nearly as tiring as working one. I know I was considering taking a nap by the time they started the pick ups. I also think Drew might have spotted us at one point. He had come into the audience to collect people for Sound Effects. They weren’t in the same section as Greg and I, but they were on about the same level, and for just one moment Drew looked past them and met my eyes. I smiled at him and he stared back before shaking his head as though he were seeing things. Nonetheless he did glance our way a few times throughout the rest of the show. When the time came for the audience to leave Greg and I said our goodbyes to the girls, even going so far as to give them hugs. It wasn’t odd or forced; I had really enjoyed their company. We walked outside with them instead of going backstage as Greg was dying for a cigarette. “Sweet, sweet poison,” Greg purred, inhaling deeply as we moved around to the studio to the employee’s lot. We weren’t surprised to see Ryan outside, leaning against a wall as he as well enjoyed a cigarette. “Hey, sexy!” Greg called out to him, raising one hand in greeting. Ryan glanced up and smiled. He had changed out his stage clothes and was wearing a simple t-shirt and jeans. He nodded to us both. “Drew said he thought he saw you two in the audience.” “Yes,” Greg cackled, taking on the persona of a mad scientist. He spoke in some unidentifiable accent, drumming his fingers together. “The experiment is almost complete....” Ryan just shook his head, laughing. “Seriously, what are you guys doing here?” I shrugged. “We just came to watch. That’s all.” Ryan seemed to accept this far better than anyone thus far. He nodded. “Going out with us?” “That’s why we’re here,” Greg replied. Ryan nodded again, motioning toward the studio doors. “The others should be out soon. Did you two need a ride?” We spoke for a while, making arrangements. Brad, Ryan and Colin had arrived together as did Wayne and Drew, so it was decided that Greg would be traveling with Ryan’s group and I would be going with the latter. It was Greg’s decision, and I have to admit that I was a little pissed at him for it. I had decided that I was fine with the whole Drew/Wayne thing and would leave them alone. I was sure that my thing for Wayne was merely a passing fancy, and after all, I didn’t want to hurt my wife. The complications I had encountered were definitely a sign. That didn’t mean I was ready to be alone with them just yet. As Ryan had said, the others joined us shortly, and we made small talk for a bit. The smokers took the opportunity for another cigarette since the bar was non-smoking. I kept quiet through most of the conversation, opting to watch Wayne instead, who was also keeping to himself. He wouldn’t look at me; he was probably concerned that things would be uncomfortable between us. I determined then that I would have to find a time to draw him aside later that night and let him know that I was okay with remaining nothing more than friends. The short drive to the bar wasn’t as bad as I had imagined. I sat in the back with Drew driving and Wayne taking shot gun. There was little conversation, and what was said remained light. There was one uncomfortable moment when Drew joked that Greg and I had showed up at the taping to spy on them. I laughed along with him, but even to my own ears it sounded forced. After all, that was pretty much our intent. I didn’t know what Greg’s motives were, but I had gone along driven by the idea of seeing the way the others interacted when I wasn’t around, even if those thoughts had been washed away once the games had begun. I caught Wayne watching me through the mirror in his visor. His expression was carefully guarded, and I tried to smile reassuringly. He frowned back at me, and I was pretty sure it hadn’t worked. Just then Drew said something to him, laying one hand on the back of Wayne’s. Startled, Wayne jerked his hand back. Drew faltered for just a moment, but then looked at me through the rearview mirror. I think he assumed Wayne didn’t want me to know anything was going on between them. Drew smiled at me and continued the conversation, keeping his hands to himself. Once in the bar we all grabbed a table and a couple pitchers of beer. The mood remained relaxed as we talked of everything and nothing, catching up on the past year before veering off to any topic that came to mind. At one point Greg pulled Drew, Brad and Ryan into some political conversation. Ryan didn’t appear very into it; he generally stayed quiet and watched the other three talk, only putting in a comment when he was asked directly. I caught him watching Colin on and off, who had gone up to the bar for more beer and was still standing there, chatting with Wayne. The conversation at our table held little interest for me, so I excused myself, thinking this would be a good time to have that talk with Wayne. Whatever conversation Colin and Wayne were having halted when they spotted me coming toward them, and I was under the distinct impression that they had been talking about me. I didn’t let me suspicions show, simply motioned to the table and spoke to Colin. “I think Ryan is looking for an escape.” “Oh?” Colin looked over to the table and caught Ryan’s eye. “Maybe I should let him suffer a bit longer.” He grinned at Ryan and gave him a small, sarcastic wave. Ryan just rolled his eyes and continued to stare at Colin, silently begging for help. With a sigh, Colin accepted the pitchers the bartender had just laid down and smiled at us both. “Duty calls.” As he began to walk away, though, Wayne snatched at his sleeve. “We’ll come with you.” “Actually,” I put in, catching Wayne’s attention, “I wanted to talk to you.” Wayne looked at me a moment and then turned to Colin, sharing a knowledgeable look and confirming my earlier suspicions. “Please?” I said, more of a demand than a question, and Colin nodded to Wayne, his way of telling him to just go ahead. With a long-suffering sigh, Wayne let him go, watching Colin’s back before turning to face me. “Look--” he started, but I cut him off with a shake of the head. “It’s okay,” I told him, giving him a genuine smile. “I misunderstood you yesterday. I’m not looking for anything, so you don’t have to worry.” Wayne was silent for a moment, absorbing that and studying me. Finally he seemed to relax and leaned back against the bar, facing the table where the others sat and not meeting my eyes. “Misunderstood me?” I was a little thrown by this question. I was giving Wayne a way out, but instead of taking it he was throwing it back at me, and I had no idea why. Maybe I had misunderstood more than I thought. “Yes...,” I said slowly, attempting to figure out how much I wanted to say and deciding the blunt truth would be best. At this point I had nothing to lose. “When you mentioned that Ryan and Colin made you curious, I thought maybe you wanted to explore that curiosity... with me.” Wayne nodded, but said nothing. “I know now that you weren’t referring to me,” I continued. “So it’s cool. I won’t bring it up again.” “What makes you think I wasn’t talking about you?” The confusion on my face must have been clear, because when I didn’t respond Wayne looked to me and started to chuckle. “But....” I shook my head. “What about...?” I motioned to the table, meaning to indicate Drew, but trailed off, remembering that I wasn’t supposed to know of their affair. My vague admission didn’t seem to concern or surprise him, however. He just nodded, the smile fading. “Yeah....” He glanced back to the table to see the guys still fully occupied and then looked back to me. “Come on,” he said and nodded to the far side of the bar. I followed Wayne across the room and down the small hallway that housed the restrooms and public telephone. We stood there, huddled far back behind the phone, the red light of an exit sign coloring our skin. I knew I’d vowed to give up on Wayne, but standing in the darkened hallway, the music from the jukebox muted to a dull bass beat thrumming through the floorboards, all I could think was that I hoped he would kiss me. We were so close. A thin t-shirt of the deepest read stretched across the muscles of his torso. He wasn’t looking at me. Instead, he stared across the hall at a name carved into the warped wood. His arm brushed mine, skin on skin, hot and inviting, as we both settled against the wall. I couldn’t look at him either. My entire body was humming with anticipation; the desire that I had so desperately tried to ignore worked its way from the pit of my stomach out to my finger tips. I had no idea what Wayne had brought me here to tell me, but you didn’t go hide from your friends if you were planning on keeping things innocent. “I guess you know about Drew and me,” Wayne said suddenly, startling me out of my reverie. I nodded. Wayne was quiet again. His breathing was quick, shallow, his arm brushing mine with each inhale. “The truth is,” he began and then paused, swallowing and closing his eyes, “I like you, but my life is complicated right now. I love my wife, and I... I care about Drew. Very much. So I can’t....” Here Wayne lowered his head, slowly opening his eyes to stare down at the floor. “I can’t complicate things any further.” He picked up his head as I felt my cheeks color, a strange ache in my chest. He was rejecting me for the second time in as many days. Wayne as watching me now, intense and beautiful, and I couldn’t help but meet his eyes even as I felt the undeniable urge to run. “I can’t complicate things,” he said, “but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to.” Oh. My heart tripped a beat as he continued to stare into my eyes, and fuck me, I wanted to kiss him. I didn’t know what he was telling me, and frankly I didn’t care. All I knew was that his lips were mere inches from mind, and if I just leaned in a little bit.... A hand on my chest stopped me. Wayne pressed me back. His eyes had slid shut. “Don’t,” he said, just above a whisper. His lips brushed against mine when he spoke. I hadn’t realized how close I had gotten. Realizing it, knowing that I was a hair’s breadth away from kissing him and couldn’t do a damn thing about it had me frustrated beyond words. “If you kiss me,” Wayne continued, still close enough that I could taste the Amstel on his breath, “I won’t be able to stop you.” “Then don’t,” was all I said. Holding myself back was becoming physically painful. But he shook his head and moved back, putting enough space between us so that I could no longer feel the heat of his body. “I can’t.” He opened his eyes to look at me with a deep sense of sadness. “I’m teasing you, I know, and I’m sorry. I’m not trying to; I just–“ “It’s okay.” I plastered the most fake smile I’d ever worn onto my face. “I told you I wouldn’t bother you, remember? So let’s just leave it.” “I know, I just–“ And oh, I couldn’t listen to this anymore. It had only been a few minutes, but if I had to hear him tell me he wanted me with one breath and then deny me in the next one more time, I swear I was going to shoot myself. “Look,” I cut him off, “let’s just go have fun.” I was getting annoyed, and it was coming out in my tone. Wayne was still watching me sadly, so I turned and walked away without glancing back. Once back in the main room I steered immediately to the bar and ordered and downed three shots of vodka before I even considered returning to the table. I hadn’t had any intentions of getting drunk tonight, but now I could think of nothing I’d like better. I ordered another pitcher of beer, not caring if the guys had yet to finish the other two. The way I was feeling I could drink the whole thing myself. When I finally made it back to the table it seemed oddly empty, and it took me a few minutes to figure out why. Greg nodded to me in greeting before continuing the “conversation” he was currently engaged in with Drew and Brad. They appeared to be trading the dirtiest jokes they could think of. Wayne had already returned to the table and now sat beside Drew, not contributing, but chuckling along with everyone else. They were sitting conspicuously close, and I felt the stirrings of jealousy begin. To squelch it I poured a decent amount from my pitcher into the nearest empty glass and downed half of it. “Hey...,” I said suddenly, amused at the effort it took to say that one word, “where are Ryan and Colin?” The jokes halted as the others looked among themselves. Finally Greg shrugged and turned to me, smirking. “Probably fucking in the bathroom. Why?” We all cracked up instantly, though had to admit that it was most likely true. Drew, though he laughed along with the rest of us, however, looked a bit uncomfortable, and it occurred to me that he was likely Ryan’s confidante when it came to this relationship. It would explain why Wayne seemed to know so much as well. Still chuckling, Greg turned to face Brad and removed his glasses, pushing back his hair in his now familiar Colin impression. “Hey, Ryan, want to see who really has the bigger dick?” Brad giggled. It was obvious he was feeling the effects of the alcohol. He leaned forward, staring into Greg’s eyes earnestly. “You know it gets me so hot when you do your dinosaur.” Greg fluttered his eyes at Brad. “I’ll be your raptor if you’ll be my John Wayne.” We were still laughing when Ryan and Colin returned, and seeing them just sent us into another fit of hysterics. Even Drew had relaxed once he realized it was all in fun and was now laughing so hard he could barely breath, his cheeks pink, head bowed nearly to the table. Wayne was watching him fondly, but surprisingly I felt no jealousy. Drew was being far too adorable for me to feel any ill will toward him. Ryan and Colin watched us curiously, looking around the table for a hint of what the joke could be. Ryan started laughing as soon as he saw Drew, but Colin kept a straight face, asking, “What’s so funny?” We looked amongst ourselves and burst out laughing again. It was Greg who finally regained enough control to reply, “Colin, do your dinosaur for us.” Of course that didn’t help any. Brad actually fell out of his chair, and continued to giggle from his seat on the floor. My stomach had begun to ache, I was laughing so much, and it felt great. By this time Ryan and Colin figured they weren’t going to get any straight answer from us. They reseated themselves, taking up their glasses again, and helping us work on the pitchers of beer. I sighed and shook my head, still riding high on the adrenaline of laughter. “You know,” I said after taking another long drink from my glass, “we really need to have a Whose Line orgy.” “Hear, hear!” Greg raised his glass in a toast, and we clinked glasses. Colin was shaking his head, chuckling. “I think you’ve had a little too much to drink,” he said, only half joking, and laid a hand on my shoulder. Despite that it was very much the truth, I still found myself vaguely insulted. “I’m serious,” I told him. “Make that far too much to drink,” Brad laughed. “No, really.” My brain was a bit addled from the alcohol, but I knew I had a point in there somewhere. “There’s all this sexual tension floating around. We should just do something about it and get it out of our systems.” I ignored the fact that most of us were already doing something about it and nodded resolutely. “Boy has a point,” Greg commented, looking oddly impressed. “But,” Ryan said, looking distinctly uncomfortable, “we’re all straight.” I tried to hide a snort of laughter at that, and I know I caught a few smiles around the table, but it was Greg who just smirked and raised his hands defensively, saying, “Hey, a mouth on your dick is a mouth on your dick.” Colin was staring at him incredulously. “You’re not really considering it, are you? You actually think this is a good idea?” Drew was smiling, watching me. “I guess getting laid is fun no matter who it’s with.” “Isn’t that what our wives are for?” I think everyone was a little surprised to hear Wayne’s soft, serious voice break in. Greg recovered first, pouting and then sticking out his tongue. “Oh, you and your morals.” It was obviously a joke, an attempt to lighten the mood, but Wayne had taken it as a personal attack. He frowned at Greg and replied, “Well, at least one of us should have some.” Greg scoffed. “Look who’s talking.” “Okaaaay....” Brad stood suddenly, motioning for calm. “I think that officially ends the night.” No one objected, and he continued, “I, for one, want to get home before this conversation gets any weirder.” “That is a very good idea,” Ryan said, standing as well. Colin followed shortly after. “Can you guys take Chip with you?” Drew asked, eyes on Ryan, nodding to me. “I think I’m going to hang out here a little longer...” he looked to Wayne “... if that’s cool with you?” Wayne nodded, saying nothing. He was still glaring daggers at Greg. Greg shook his head and rolled his eyes. I could tell he wanted to stay at the bar as well, but it just as obvious that wouldn’t be an option tonight. “Mind if I squish into the backseat with you and Chip?” he asked Brad. “You’re more than welcome to.” Brad smiled. We paid our tab, said our goodbyes to Drew and Wayne and made our way to the parking lot. The smokers lit up the moment we stepped foot outside. Brad nudged me, pointing to them with a smirk and we ended up miming smoking ourselves. Greg caught us and laughed. Out of respect for the non smokers, Colin, Ryan, and Greg waited until they had finished their cigarettes until they got in the car. So it was that we had a few moments to converse. “So what were you really laughing about when Ryan and I came back?” Colin asked. He aimed the question to Greg, assuming that as the most outspoke of us, it would be easiest to get an answer from him. Greg obliged with a smirk. “Just joking that John Wayne was blowing a dinosaur in the bathroom.” “Ah,” Colin chuckled. Ryan laughed, too. I was sort of surprised. Any comment on their relationship was normally met with cold stares and biting retorts. It was Greg saying it, though, a man they’d both considered a friend for over ten years, so I’d be willing to bet he was allowed to get away with more. It also hinted that wherever they had actually gone, nothing sexual had been involved. Brad must have been thinking along the same lines because he asked, “So where did you two go?” Ryan just held up his cigarette in reply. Brad shook his head, smiling. “You boys and your dirty habits.” “Speaking of dirty habits,” Greg leered, facing me. “You weren’t really serious about that orgy thing?” Suddenly all eyes were on me, and I felt myself blushing. “Actually, I was.” “Ew.” Ryan scrunched up his face, chuckling, “You want to see Drew naked?” “Sure.” I shrugged, choosing to ignore the joke. “It’d be fun and... beneficial, I think. I mean, it’s hard to be inhibited around a guy once you’ve gone down on him.” “Or it could make things really awkward,” Brad pointed out. He was looking at Greg as he spoke. “Only if feelings get involved,” Greg replied. “Otherwise it just tends to make people closer.” Ryan was nodding at this, but stopped abruptly. “It’s not like I expected anyone to agree,” I put in truthfully. The mood had turned solemn again, and we all stood in silence for a moment, each caught up in our own thoughts. I watched the smoke from Ryan’s cigarette as it curled and writhed against the backdrop of a city street. Suddenly Colin laughed. “That’d be a great one for Scenes from a Hat.” “What?” Brad smirked, “A Whose Line orgy or just our horror at seeing Drew naked?” Soon we were all laughing again, and any serious conversation was forgotten as we squeezed into the car. The drive to the hotel mostly consisted of us thinking up things we’d like to see pulled from the hat, and by the time we’d made it to the hotel and climbed in the elevator, we were discussing ways to sabotage the hat with our suggestions. Exiting the elevator, we all grasped hands in a drunken vow to do just that. It was a silly, stupid, but it was fun. We parted ways then, Brad and Greg going left and Ryan, Colin and I heading right. If anyone remembered that Ryan’s room was actually closer to Greg’s, we didn’t mention it. I went to bed feeling rather happy. Nothing would come of my attraction to Wayne, and while that wasn’t really okay, it wasn’t earth shatteringly depressing either. If I just stopped getting my hopes up about it, I’d be fine. I briefly considered calling my wife, but a glance at the clock told me it was just after one A.M. She’d be in bed by now. The light on the phone was blinking; she had called and left another message. By now she was probably very worried and starting to get a bit angry at my lack of communication, but through my alcohol induced haze that didn’t concern me. I’d make sure to call her the next day. I curled up in bed smiling. Despite the current situation, I really had a great group of friends. It was that thought that lulled me into a deep sleep. I was woken some time later by someone knocking on my door. I blinked up at the ceiling in confusion. It was still dark. What the Hell time was it? Forcing myself up, I looked to the clock: 3:12. What the Hell? The person was still knocking, soft but insistent. I wondered just how long they had been there. I found, as I got out of bed, that I was far more sober than I’d been a couple hours ago, but not enough so that I was yet feeling the repercussions of a night of drinking. The light from the hall was bright, and it took a moment for my eyes to adjust as I looked through the peephole. Wayne stared back, amusingly distorted, biting his lip. His hand was raised to knock yet again, but at the last moment he let it drop. Then he had moved away, out of my limited line of sight, assuming I was out for the night. Quickly I threw the door open and poked my head out, searching for him. I was still very tired, but my concern more than overwhelmed any lethargy. A person didn’t risk the anger of their friends by waking them up at some ungodly hour without a good reason. By the time I found Wayne he had swung back to face me, alerted by the sound of the door opening. We stood staring at each other for a few seconds, neither speaking. Wayne looked lost. The skin around his eyes was puffy, the edges rimmed with red; he had been crying. “What happened?” My voice was thick with sleep. My tongue tasted like sour beer. Wayne opened his mouth and then closed it, shaking his head. “Can I come in?” Like his knock, his voice was soft but bordered on demanding. “Yeah,” I replied, moving back to make room for him. “Of course. Come in.” As he brushed past me I caught an unmistakable whiff of alcohol. It appeared that he had started drinking in earnest only after the others had left. As the door swung shut, I reached a hand out to turn on the lights, but Wayne placed his hand over mind, stopping me. “Leave them off.” My heart beat quickened. He wasn’t taking his hand off mine. His fingertips slid over my knuckles and across the back of my hand to ghost over the hairs along my wrist. I gave an involuntary shiver. He startle to chuckle then; I could feel it rumbling in his chest as he took hold of my other wrist and pressed me against the door, his chest leaning on mine. The smell of alcohol was even stronger now, but it was mixed with the sweet scent of Wayne’s cologne and a light, earthy scent that was distinctly his. “Wayne?” I whispered. He was leaning in closer now. His breath skimmed along my chin with each rise and fall of his chest. “Are you drunk?” “A little,” he admitted, still chuckling. His lips found the sensitive spot at the hinge of my jaw. I stifled a gasp as he started to kiss and lick his way down my throat. “Wait.” It took all of my strength to push him away. He felt so good in my arms: warm, pliant, and ever so willing, but this was wrong. He was drunk and obviously upset. To do anything with him now would be taking advantage. “Think about this,” I told him. “What are you doing?” He hesitated only slightly, and then smiled, the white of his teeth just visible in the darkness. “I’m complicating things.” Then he kissed me. Chapter 3 Wayne’s lips were impossibly soft. His tongue was in my mouth, searching for mine, kissing me like a starving man and I was his feast. It was exciting and incredibly erotic. I couldn’t ever remember sharing a kiss like that with my wife; Hell, I don’t think I could have recalled her name if I wanted to. As it was, she was the farthest thing from my mind. Wayne finally pulled back, leaving us both gasping for air. He took hold of my hands, and under the light of the moon steered me toward the bed, when common sense suddenly rushed back to me. “Wait. Wayne, we can’t. “Why not?” He sounded incredibly impatient. “You... you’re....” I was finding it incredibly hard to think. I had let Wayne push me down on the bed and lay there, staring up at him, watching as Wayne’s hands found the elastic of my boxers and began working their way inside. “You’re not thinking straight. You’re drunk.” “Not that drunk,” he replied, giving up my boxers for the moment to unbutton his own slacks. He undid them with relative ease, saying, “You want me to take a sobriety test?” I didn’t need any further proof. Sure, I was thinking with my dick, but anyone who could remember the word sobriety, much less pronounce it, had to be at least moderately sober. Wayne stripped down to his briefs, and I couldn’t take my eyes off the obvious bulge stretching the cotton. I could feel myself growing hard at the sight. It was strange; I’d never found myself becoming aroused because of another man before. Wayne is absolutely gorgeous, though, so while I wasn’t sure if it was the sight of him or just the thought of getting off that had me hard, I wasn’t surprised at the fact. Wayne must have realized that any inhibitions I had expressed were long forgotten. He smiled at me, slow and sexy, hooking his thumbs under the waist of his underwear and carefully tugging them down. His erection sprang free, and it was all I could do to keep from licking my lips. Now I was the one getting impatient. I just about ripped off my t-shirt and had just got a hold on my boxers when Wayne stopped me. He lay his hands over mine and practically purred, “Let me.” I wasn’t about to object. He worked my boxers down with exaggerated care, pulling them all the way down my legs before flinging them aside. To be completely honest, I still had my reservations. I had questions I needed answered, first and foremost being “What about Drew,” but I couldn’t make myself ask. Wayne was settling himself over me, lying down so that we touched from shoulder to groin. His stomach grazed mine and I gave a little jump at the contact. I could feel him; his erection brushed mine, deliciously teasing. Wayne was searching for my lips again and I met him halfway, propping myself up on my elbows and grinding my hips up against his. I couldn’t remember wanting anything more than I wanted him at that moment. “Fuck,” Wayne breathed, pulling back so that our lips barely touched. He pushed down against me, returning the pressure with a frenetic passion. I groaned and slid my hands around his waist to clutch desperately at his hips. It felt so good, but it wasn’t enough, not even close. I must have said something along those line because Wayne started to laugh. He lifted himself up and I moaned at the loss of contact. “Shh.” He placed on finger on my lips, running the other hand down my chest, trailing his fingertips down my sternum. He leaned down to rain kisses along the same path, pausing at my navel to lavish it with attention. I was going slowly crazy; he was touching me but avoiding the one part of my body that needed it the most. I think I actually started to beg then, my voice coming out in a choked whisper. Wayne was laughing again; his chest dropped low enough for me to feel the vibration along my shaft. I jerked my hips up, sliding against the heat of his skin, searching for friction. He hummed his approval and moved away to take me in one hand, squeezing gently. The other hand held my hips down, maintaining control as he began to stroke me in a rhythm I could only describe as maddeningly slow. My breathing came out as a shallow pant, the sound harsh in the otherwise silent room. I sucked in a breath and looked down the length of my body to watch Wayne in the moonlight. He was watching me right back, eyes alight. The contrast of his skin against mine was odd, exotic. When he caught me looking at him, he grinned wildly and bent down to take my erection in his mouth, maintaining eye contact all the while. I nearly came from the sight. My back arched painfully off the bed as that wet, impossibly hot mouth engulfed the head, sliding down my length, tongue playing along the sensitive flesh. I had to shut my eyes to regain some modicum of control or I certainly would have lost it. He was laughing again; he couldn’t seem to stop, and the vibration was pure Heaven on my sensitive flesh. I began to mutter incoherently, saying anything and everything that came to mind in an unintelligible whisper. His grip tightened on my hips; he sucked his way up my erection, from root to tip in a way that told me he’d done this before. The idea of him going down on another man, on Drew, in fact, was both very hot and very disturbing. I wondered, briefly, just what had happened tonight that led Wayne showing up at my door, but then his tongue was trailing up the underside of my shaft, and I lost the ability to think. He continued his ministrations, giving me the best damn blowjob I’ve ever had, and the fact that it was Wayne giving it to me just made it that much more delectable. Soon, too soon, I was at the brink, tumbling over with a strangled cry, Wayne never releasing me, even as I pulsed between his lips, emptying myself into that inviting mouth. Wayne finally let me go as I began to soften. He crawled back up my length of his body; I could feel his erection as it slid against my skin thrumming a rhythm to match his heartbeat. It brushed my leg and settled alongside my hip as Wayne fit himself to me, capturing my lips in a bruising kiss. I could taste myself on him, not unpleasantly, and pondered the difference between the taste of a man and the taste of a woman. They were similar, but distinctly different in an undefinable way. Wayne had us pressed tightly together. He trailed his lips from my mouth to my neck, dipping to nibble at the skin there before moving to whisper in my ear, “I want to be inside you.” I tensed ever so slightly at his words. A blowjob I could do, but this.... I wasn’t sure I was ready for this. It was my first time with a man ever, and I was nervous enough without having to consider the line this would cross. “Won’t it... won’t it hurt?” “Only if I do it wrong.” He sounded calm and unhurried, smiling against the shell of my ear. His hands traveled up my side and over my chest, ghosting over my nipples before making the journey back down. His fingertips danced along the juncture between torso and thigh for a moment before sliding around to grasp my ass. He caressed me in light, teasing motions while working his way between my thighs. The tension was slowly draining from my body, leaving me limp, but practically humming with excitement. I was still scared, but he seemed so confident that I had no choice but to trust him absolutely. Besides, I had wanted this - Wayne - for so long now. He whispered to me in a long, steady rush of words, saying nothing in particular, but soothing me all the same. This was Wayne; he wouldn’t hurt me. And it didn’t hurt. Oh, it was uncomfortable, so much so that I had to wonder what the appeal was, but Wayne certainly seemed to be enjoying himself, and watching him gave me more than enough pleasure, that is, until he drove particularly deep within my body, hitting something - my prostate, my addled mind supplied - that had me gasping with need. Right then I decided that I could definitely get used to this. He continued to thrust into me, fingers digging into my hips, head thrown back, lost in the sensations. I angled myself so that he was continually brushing my prostate. I was loving the feel of him within me; while I was still too spent to get hard again, it felt absolutely incredible. I had time to wonder what my wife would think if I brought up the desire to be sodomized before Wayne was tensing, giving one last thrust and finding his release with a long, throaty groan, and all thoughts of my wife fled with alarming speed. Wayne pulled out to slide back up my body, kissing me lethargically. His skin shone with a light sheen of sweat. My lips left his to travel across his brow. His skin tasted salty sweet, and I lamented not having tasted other parts of his anatomy. If I had my say, however, I’d certainly be getting a chance. For the moment I was far too exhausted to do much more than comply as he turned me, fitting his front against my back and burying his nose against my neck as we both drifted off to sleep. I awoke later than day with the late morning sun in my eyes. I lay on my back; there was a body snug against my side, and for the briefest moment I thought it was my wife, until I realized that the arm slung across my chest was far too dark and very masculine. Thoughts of the night before came rushing back: the bar, my confession along with Wayne’s and then later in the hotel room and what had transpired. I allowed myself a lazy smile and trailed one hand over the back of Wayne’s arm. He began to stir. I was afraid for a moment, as he was beginning to wake and his eyes met mine, wide and lost, that it had all been a mistake. Wayne had been drunk after all. But as he registered exactly where he was and who he was with, a slow smile crept along his full lips followed by a contented sigh. “Morning,” I ventured. Wayne gave a little grunt and sat up to stretch. “Good morning,” he replied, stifling a yawn. I remained laid out on the bed, content to watch the play of muscles in his back. Wayne turned around and looked down at me, smiling. “Enjoy yourself last night?” “Immensely,” I purred, earning a chuckle from Wayne. The sheets smelled of sex and sweat, and without thinking I asked, “Up for an encore?” Wayne was still smiling, but now it didn’t quite reach his eyes. There was something going on in his head that he wasn’t letting me in on. Suddenly he gave a start, his eyes darting to the window. “Shit What time is it?” “Um....” I frowned and we both looked to the bedside clock in unison: 11:12. “Sh– I’m late.” Wayne sprang from the bed, beginning a frantic search for his clothes. Today’s taping wasn’t due to start for another couple of hours, but there was make up and wardrobe to deal with as well as going over the day’s lineup. As Wayne scooped up his shirt and slacks my mind began to work. I doubted that the taping was what had initially caused Wayne’s pause. I took that and worked backwards, ending up with, “You and Drew had a fight, didn’t you?” Wayne hesitated, his back to me, hands stilled on the fastenings of his slacks. “Drew’s an asshole.” I nodded. Realization hit me like a punch to the stomach. “So this,” I said, arms swinging wide to encompass nothing in particular, “was just for revenge?” “No!” Wayne spun to face me, eyes wide, but he seemed to calm , almost fold in on himself as he continued, “... not entirely.” “I see.” But I didn’t, not really. I still had no idea what last night meant to him, what I meant to him, and how that compared to his relationship with Drew, or God, his wife even. I was angry, but it was weak, unfocused, and fading quickly. How could I be mad when I still didn’t know how I felt about Wayne? I didn’t know if I was looking for sex or something more, and it didn’t feel right to judge him. “Look,” Wayne began. He settled on the bed beside me and caught my chin in his palm, forcing me to meet his eyes. “I told you last night that my life is complicated. This was fun – a lot of fun. Beyond that....” I nodded, stopping him before he could say any more. “Don’t worry,” I assured him and was surprised to find that I really meant it. “It’s all right.” “So this is enough?” The relief in his voice stirred up the strangest emotions in me. I was glad that the situation hadn’t turned awkward; it felt oddly natural to be sitting there beside him naked and positive that I could go on stage with him an not be swayed by what had transpired. At the same time I also knew that whatever happened next, I wasn’t yet ready to forget last night. “It is,” I told him. There were two words left unspoken, though I felt them clearly: for now. “Cool.” He grinned, confident once more, and began to turn away. I lay a hand on his still bare shoulder to stop him. “You know,” I said, a devilish smile lighting up my face, “you really ought to take a shower before you go.” Catching and returning the grin, Wayne settled back, propping himself up on his hands. “Should I now?” “Oh, yeah,” I nodded, attempting to look serious and failing miserably. “And since your room is so far away, you can use mine.” “I could...” he mused, not even trying to hide his amusement, “but only on one condition.” He leaned forward, his cheek, rough with stubble, skimming mine, to whisper in my ear, “Join me?” Now I was the one laughing. My hand shot out of its own accord, trailing down his pecs, fluttering over his nipples to trace the muscles of his abdomen. “I’d love to.” As it turned out, Wayne ended up very late, but I was beyond caring. After he’d gone and I was getting dressed, I could think of little more than the fact that I’d enjoyed having him in me just as much as I’d enjoyed being in him. It was nearing one in the afternoon by the time I emerged from my room. I don’t think I’d have left at all had my stomach not been protesting so vigorously, reminding me that I’d barely eaten anything the day before - just a snack while Greg and I had waited in line, and the alcohol of course. I was waiting at the elevator, considering what I might be in the mood for when a door opened a little ways down the Hall to reveal Brad. He spotted me and gave a little wave, running to catch up as I entered the elevator. We said our hellos and simply stared at each other, each considering the other as the numbers counted down to the first floor. I don’t know what it was, but something about him struck me as odd. Suddenly, it hit me. “You had sex ” I was only vaguely startled to realize that we had spoken in unison, and were now standing, each pointing at the other. “How could you tell?” I asked at the same moment he said, “Is it that obvious?” We both started to laugh, then. I should have been more worried, but I was still high from this morning’s activities. If Brad could tell that something had happened, though, and he wasn’t even looking for it, then there was no way I’d be able to conceal the truth from someone who’d actually expect it. But at that moment I really couldn’t care less. We were still laughing as we reached the lobby. Brad steered us into the hotel’s restaurant where we ordered overpriced deli sandwiches. I sipped my glass of ice water as I studied Brad. All of his uncertainties of the past 24 hours seemed to have melted away. “Greg finally convince you to give in?” I asked. Brad just smiled. “It was actually the other way around.” He grinned down at the table, blushing adorably. “He dropped me off at my room last night and went to his. After a few minutes I just said ‘Fuck it, what could it hurt,’ and went after him. What about you? Don’t think I didn’t notice you and Wayne disappearing at the bar last night.” The smile faded from my lips. Now that I was away from Wayne and thinking clearly guilt began to creep along the edges of my mind. “Yeah. He came over last night.” Brad caught my mood, watching me curiously. “Greg said he was with someone, didn’t he.” It wasn’t a question. I nodded. “Drew.” “Oh.” He frowned. “But you two still–“ “Yeah.” “Ah.” And there it was: my biggest concern. No matter how much fun I’d had with Wayne, no matter how much I still wanted him, I knew that I had already betrayed Drew. I wasn’t as close to him as some of the other guys, but he was one of the most decent men I’d ever had the pleasure to know, and the thought that I had willfully hurt him was enough to make me never want to so much as look at Wayne again. “What are you going to do?” I shook my head and spoke the truth. “I have absolutely no idea.” Brad nodded, heaving a weighty sigh. “Think Wayne will tell him?” I shrugged. “They’re fighting apparently.” “So it was just a fling then?” “Probably.” It was said without emotion. By now I was too drained to even consider being jealous. I didn’t want to think about Wayne or Drew right now, so I turned the conversation around. “What about you and Greg?” Brad was quiet a moment. He took a bite of his sandwich, chewing thoughtfully. “It was fun,” he sad, eyes locked on some middle distance as he continued to think. “I wouldn’t mind doing it again, but I still prefer women.” We lapsed into silence again, just eating and thinking. Suddenly Brad perked up, shooting me a curious look. “Are you going to tell your wife?” Good question. I stare at Brad a bit blankly. “I hadn’t thought about that.” A small, mirthless smile graced his lips. “That can’t be a good sign.” “No, I guess not. You know,” I said, though it was more as if I was merely thinking aloud, “I haven’t called her once since I got here. I can’t even remember the last time we had sex.” “Things are that good?” Brad chuckled. I shrugged, dutifully ignoring his sarcasm. “I haven’t really been thinking about it. I’ve been... occupied.” Brad had to make a joke about that, something about our very own Jamaican Love God, which I forced myself to laugh at, but my jovial mood from earlier was all but gone. We parted ways soon after. Brad wanted me to go out with him, but I certainly wasn’t feeling up to it. It had struck me over lunch that my marriage was falling apart. I couldn’t believe that fact had eluded me until now, even with Wayne, Ryan and Colin occupying my every thought. What disturbed me the most was how little I actually cared. It was as if I wanted to leave her, but I couldn’t think of any reason to stay together. Maybe if I could just hear her voice I would remember how much I loved her. Once back in my room I headed straight to the phone, dialing the number with an odd sense of calm. With each ring of the phone that went unanswered, however, I grew more and more nervous. What if I unintentionally said something that indicated I had been unfaithful? It was true I was feeling rather indifferent toward my marriage at the moment, but I wasn’t about to destroy it. Someone finally picked up after the fourth ring, but it wasn’t my wife. An unfamiliar and very masculine voice laughed into the receiver before saying, “Hello?” It threw me for just a moment. “I’m sorry,” I replied, “I must have...,” but I trailed off as I heard a second voice in the background, a voice I did recognize. “Is Patty there?” “Oh, sure,” the man replied. There was a moment of quiet where I imagined he had placed his hand over the receiver before he came back, asking, “Whom may I say is calling?” “Her husband.” To that I received no reply. Moments later my wife’s voice greeted me sounding flushed, breathless. “Chip, darling, how are you? I called Friday night, but–“ “Who answered the phone?” “Bob? Oh, he’s just – I work with him. I told you he’d be coming over, remember?” “No.” Actually I did remember her saying something along those lines, but I was angry. No matter who this man was, he had no right to be treating my home, and possibly other things, as his own. My words came out sharp, clipped, but this didn’t seem to faze her. “Oh, well I did. I’m positive.” There was a long moment of silence as neither of us spoke. I was attempting to decipher whether the situation was as innocent as Patty was making it out to be. Even if it was, I still had a severe problem with this... this Bob answering my phone as if he belonged there. If it wasn’t, well, I was just as guilty as she, but at the moment that didn’t matter. “So...,” Patty said after nearly a minute had passed. “Why are you calling?” “Is it odd for me to want to talk to my wife?” I think my anger was getting to her. She soundly mildly annoyed as she replied, “Considering how distant you’ve been lately, yes, I think it is.” “I haven’t been distant ” “Like Hell you haven’t. You barely speak to me anymore. We never do anything together. Not to mention the fact that it took you two days to call me back.” “Well excuse me for having to work.” She sighed heavily and there was another pause in the conversation. When she came back, it was much more quietly. “Look, honey, I’m sorry. I’m just a little stressed right now. Why don’t you give me a call Wednesday night? I have to get back to this project.” “Fine.” She hesitated once again before saying. “Goodbye. I love you.” “I love you, too.” I hung up the phone with a distinctively hollow feeling in the pit of my stomach. Strangely enough, it had nothing to do with our conversation and the concept that my wife could be cheating on me. No, I was feeling empty because when I told her that I loved her, I no longer knew if it was true. I spent the rest of the afternoon lounging in my hotel room. Brad called me a few hours later to see if I would be going out with the guys that night, but I decided against it. I wasn’t exactly in a partying mood, and I certainly wasn’t up for pretending. Around eleven, however, I got restless. I had done little more than hang around and watch tv, so while I was feeling quite lethargic by that time, I was also filled with far too much pent up energy to sleep any time soon. I considered joining the guys at the bar, but it was late, and they’d most likely be heading off to bed themselves soon. So I walked. I had no destination in mind as I left the hotel; I merely traveled block after block in an attempt to tire myself out. I traveled the distance lost in my own thoughts, so lost, in fact, that I was quite surprised to see that despite my intentions, I had ended up at the bar anyway. It was a Sunday night, so the crowd was relatively thin; I could easily spot Ryan and Drew’s cars in the parking lot. I had half a mind to turn around and go home, but I had been walking for some time; it had to be at least two miles from the hotel to the bar. Deciding against better judgement, I convinced myself that I was merely going in for a drink. Despite the lack of patrons, it still took me a while to find the guys once inside. They had tucked themselves away in a dark corner. Colin and Wayne seemed to be caught up in pleasant conversation while at the other end of the table, Brad and Greg conversed, practically lying on the table, chins propped up on folded arms. Drew and Ryan were nowhere to be seen. I pushed that from my mind for the moment and headed toward the bathroom, the needs of my bladder far outweighing my thirst. I just needed to take a piss, but some odd instinct made me choose a stall over a urinal. Moments later I was glad I did. The bathroom door opened and I could hear two sets of heavy, shuffling footsteps. There was a thud, as if one of the men had run into something and then a giggle. I recognized the voice immediately. “You are so drunk,” Drew’s voice echoed ever so slightly, startlingly loud in the otherwise silent restroom. I could hear Ryan chuckle in response before replying, “Yeah. I am.” “I don’t think I can aim,” Drew said. There was the sound of a zipper being slid down and some more shuffling as well as another thud. “Don’t expect me to help you.” “I don’t want your hand on my dick ” “Thank God.” Ryan’s speech was coming out slightly muddled; it was strange to hear. Though he came out to the bar with us more often than not, it was rare for him to get thoroughly sloshed; he often chose to be the designated driver. Apparently not tonight. The ring of urine hitting porcelain was the next sound to reach my ears. Conversation paused as they both took a moment to relieve themselves. I simply stayed in the stall and studied the lewd messages carved into the peeling turquoise paint. I had finished my business, but I wanted to hear more. I wasn’t proud of it, but it didn’t change the fact. I knew Ryan and Drew were close; I was curious about what they revealed to each other when they thought they were alone. “So...” Drew said over the sound of the sinks once they had both finished. “How are you doing?” “Good, I guess.” Ryan sounded dubious, and I didn’t blame him. There had been something in Drew’s voice that reeked of unasked questions. “You?” “I had a question, actually.” There was a long pause where neither one spoke, but I knew, I just knew that there was some sort of silent conversation going on. I’d never wanted X-ray vision more than I did at that moment. Finally Ryan said, “Drew? Something wrong?” “No. Well... maybe....” “What? What is it?” “Well....” The water shut off and was replaced by the rustling of paper towels. “Is Colin ever... weird around you?’ “What do you mean by weird?” “Does he ever get... I don’t... guilty, I guess, when he remembers that he’s married?” “Oh.” Ryan was quiet a moment, but then he began to laugh. “No, actually. But Colin has issues. I think defying Deb is sort of thrilling for him. Not that he doesn’t love her,” Ryan added hastily. “He adores her, it’s just... it’s a strange situation.” “Hmph.” Drew paused, most likely not knowing what to do with that. I know I didn’t. “Well, what about you?” “Do I ever feel guilty? Yeah. All the time.” Ryan heaved a deep sigh. “I love Pat, and I love Colin, and I have no idea which one is stronger.” I felt a tremor of excitement at these words. It was the first time I had ever heard Ryan acknowledge his affair. “Why are you asking?” Ryan was continuing. “What happened?” “Nothing, I don’t think,” Drew replied. “It’s just a feeling. Things are weird. I mean, we did get into a fight last night....” Silence descended upon the bathroom again, and I imagined that Ryan had been asking Drew a silent question as the next thing Drew said was, “He thought my backing up Chip’s orgy thing was my way of saying I wanted to see other people. I took his wife comment personally. It was just a misunderstanding, and–“ “Was it?” “What?” “Well,” I could hear the smirk in Ryan’s answer. “I know I wouldn’t be, um, what’s the word... condoning an orgy if I was completely happy with my relationship.” “All I said was that getting laid is fun ” “But you were looking at Chip when you said it.” “But I – not the point The point is that we talked and everything’s fine, but he’s still acting strange. Like... like he has something on his mind. Plus, he wasn’t in his room when I went to get him this morning. And he was an hour late to the studio, and–“ “And his excuse was that he slept in,” Ryan cut in with a burst of clarity. “Exactly,” Drew sighed. “But either that’s a lie or he did sleep in, but not in his bed.” “He might just not have been answering the door.” “Wayne and I have keys to each others’ rooms.” “Oh.” There was another long moment of silence. I could feel my heart beating painfully in my chest. It was oddly loud, and I swore they’d be able to hear it, as irrational as that thought was. “Yeah, but....” Ryan sounded quite lost now. “Wayne wouldn’t do that to you.” I could almost see Drew shrug as he replied, “He is cheating on his wife.” “And I’m cheating on mine, but just with one guy.” “That’s different. You two are different.” “How so?” Drew laughed and replied as though it were the most obvious thing in the world. “You’re in love.” Ryan didn’t seem to have a reply to that. It was quiet again, and a vein of tension appeared to have wound it’s way through the air, choking the life out of the conversation. Finally Ryan sighed again. I could hear a whisper of cloth and the slow, unsteady footfalls foretelling their imminent departure. “Come on,” he said, “Let’s go get smashed.” “I thought we were drunk already.” “Not drunk enough if we can talk like this.” There was a certain fondness in Ryan’s voice as he talked to Drew, and a definite need to cheer the other man up. Even with my heart still pounding from all that I’d heard, it still made me smile. “Now let’s get back to the party before they think we’ve run off together.” Drew just laughed. The conversation continued, moving on to more mundane subjects before the closing of the door cut them off. I stayed in the stall for another moment, just thinking. Would Drew be able to tell that it was me Wayne cheated on him with? I may be an improver, and actor to some extent, but I had no illusions that I was that good. Shit. Getting a drink was out of the question. If Brad could read me at a glance, then Ryan, who had more experience, would be able to see right through any lies. Now the most pressing issue was getting out of the bar without being seen. The group was back in a corner, I reminded myself as I exited the stall to wash my hands. If I just stayed away it might work. I slipped out of the bathroom and into the main room as casually as possible, heading toward the exit without daring to glance at the guys’ table. My hand touched the door knob. I was home free. Just then the door swung out of reach as someone opened it from the other side. I looked up, and I think my heart stopped for just a moment. “Chip?” “Colin.” He smelled heavily of smoke and faintly of beer. It was obvious he had been out for a cigarette, but wherever Colin went, one usually found Ryan. My gaze flickered over Colin’s shoulders, but it wasn’t Ryan I found, but Greg. When it became clear that they were alone I almost relaxed. Almost. “Are you joining us?” Colin asked. “I...” I slapped on the most genuine smile I could muster. “I was going to, but I think I’m just going to head back to the hotel. I’m... tired.” “Tired?” Greg said, quirking an eyebrow. “You seem kind of nervous, actually. Something wrong?” “Not... no.” “Uh huh.” Greg was outright smirking now. Colin looked at me quizzically before turning to Greg. “If he doesn’t want to talk about it, don’t force him.” Thank you God for Colin Mochrie. I smiled at him gratefully. “It’s just this thing with my wife. It’s nothing.” He smiled back warmly, but obviously unconvinced. Nonetheless he stepped aside, pulling Greg with him so I could pass. The night air was blessedly cool compared to the bar, and I stood for a moment, drinking it in. I had gotten out without giving anything away. Well, almost. But still it could have been far worse. I felt more guilty than ever when it came to Drew, though. As I made my way back to the hotel and into my room it I was all I could think about. I still wanted Wayne, but I really didn’t want to lose Drew’s friendship. Besides, this thing with Wayne really was just a fling, albeit a very fun, very intense fling. I seriously doubted I had a future with him. With that thought in mind I fell into a restless sleep. The next day was Monday, and I had nothing in particular to do. In years past I would spend the weekends in L.A. during tapings, but the weeks at home. I had already decided weeks ago, however, that this year would be different. The extra days at the hotel had to come out of my own pocket, but I didn’t care. I wanted to spend more time with the guys, and had very little desire to be with my wife. At that time Ryan still had his home in L.A., so he and Colin tended to spend the weekdays there. I honestly had no idea what the others did. I ended up sleeping in. The sun coaxed me into awareness, a soft, warm caress rather than a harsh reminder of day. I puttered around my room for a while, flipping through channels on the tv and then getting dressed when I found nothing more interesting than Jerry Springer. The day was so inviting that many of my concerns seemed petty and insignificant. I actually felt rather good and decided that to capitalize on that I was going to dress the part. I ended up in a shimmering coral button down and black slacks along with black leather boots that had the slightest hint of a heel. I wanted to play with my friends, so I dialed first Brad’s and then Greg’s room, but neither answered. I considered calling Wayne, but figured that wouldn’t be the best idea at the moment. I finally left my room feeling slightly less enthusiastic, though I refused to let it ruin the day. There was a McDonalds two block from the hotel. I ended up walking there to get take out. I’d take it to a park or the beach or, Hell, even a bench at a bus stop. I didn’t care. I wanted to be outside, though, somewhere I could just sit in the sun and people watch. The walk to the restaurant was pleasant and by the time I got there I had regained the bounce in my step. The line at the drive through was fairly long, as were the lines inside at the counter. I stood just outside the door, considering going somewhere else when a little porche next in line caught my eye. It looked familiar, but no... it couldn’t be. Just then the driver poked his head out the window and gave me a frantic wave. “Chip! Hello?” I couldn’t help but smile bemusedly for a moment before making my way over. “Drew?” “Get in ” Drew gave me such a bright, genuine smile that my guilt nearly stopped me in my tracks. I pushed it out of my mind, however, and ducked through the passenger’s side door. Drew was dressed incredibly casually in a t-shirt, jeans, and well worn sneakers. He looked very out of place seated in the expensive car, but at the same time rather comforting. Normal. “So where are you off to all dressed up?” “Me? Oh, well... I was just going to get lunch and go to the park, I think.” Drew laughed. “Dressed like that?” I gave him an almost manic grin. “Sure.” Maybe I was a little overdressed considering my makeshift plans, but that just amused me. Drew was shaking his head, still chuckling. “Want some company?” “I’d love some company.” I’m not sure why I said that. All things considered, dealing with Drew couldn’t help my mood, but at the same time it didn’t feel that way. There’s just something about him; he exudes such energy that it’s nearly impossible to not want him around. He gave a little mock cheer and pulled the car up to the speaker. We ordered far too much food and Drew refused to let me pay for any of it. There was another pang of guilt at this, but it was quicky washed away flying down the highway with the windows down and Led Zepplin blaring from the speakers. I had no idea where Drew was taking us, but it didn’t matter. It was an adventure – something Drew was quite good at – and his exuberance was infectious. We ended up in the suburbs quite close to my home, actually, at a luscious park that seemed to have no business being in California. I wondered at how Drew knew of this place when even I didn’t, but didn’t I dwell on it. Like I said, Drew was the type of person you equated with adventures. I would have been more shocked had he not known the perfect place to go. It had taken nearly an hour to get here, however, so our food was long cold by the time we settled under an expansive bigleaf maple tree to eat. We didn’t really care; it was all part of the fun. The fries we ended up throwing to the birds, but the burgers were still decent. Sunlight dotted the grass within the shadow of the canopy. The blades were so soft and green that I just knew I had to feel them beneath my bare feet. Just as I was reaching down to pull off one boot, I suddenly became self conscious. I looked over to Drew, worried he would think me silly, but he was actually doing the same thing. We caught each others’ eyes and smiled before returning to our endeavors with gusto. The laughter of children sounded in the distance. A couple jogged past us, barely sparing us a glance as we wandered in small circles, content to feel the grass between our toes. We didn’t speak to each other and the moment felt almost ritualistic. I imagined the grime that had accumulated from my few days spent in the city melting away, flowing down into the earth and leaving me feeling clean. Fresh. Still barefoot, Drew suddenly turned to the tree, latching onto a lower branch and pulling himself up with surprising agility. The bark crackled beneath his feet; it must have been at least mildly uncomfortable if not outright painful, but Drew didn’t seem to care. He was grinning broadly, hauling himself higher and higher until he was nearly lost in the branches. I stood beneath him, peering up into the canopy. When Drew was about 15 feet up he suddenly stopped, lifting his face to the sky and spreading his arms wide. He teetered for just a moment, but managed to regain his balance, laughing all the while. I felt my heart skip a beat at the sight. Drew was no spring chicken – none of us were; he could get seriously hurt if he fell. “Are you all right?” I called up to him. “Hell yeah ” He yelled back. He glanced down to me, grinning like and idiot, and I couldn’t help but laugh back. I couldn’t hold on to my fears when he looked so carefree. “Come on up ” Still laughing, I just shook my head. “Come on What, are you afraid to get dirty?” “No ” Okay, maybe I was a little, but I wasn’t about to let him know that. Drew raised his eyebrows, smirking down at me. “Oh, then you’re just chicken then?” I aimed a mock frown at him. Now it was personal. “You want me to come up?” I challanged. “Already said I did. Or are you hard of hearing?” Shaking my head, I reached for the lowest branch. It had been some time since I’d last climbed a tree, but my body remembered exactly what to do. I pulled myself onto the branch, leaning over so my center of balance shifted enough for me to swing one leg over. Once I was in a sitting position it was an easy task to climb the remaining distance. Soon I was nearly level with Drew. I smiled at him and then turned to look out over the park. Across the field families were (illegally, mind you) feeding ducks in a small, man made pool. Past that there was a playground with numerous swings, slides, and child sized obstacle courses. “It’s great up here,” I mused. Drew nodded. I turned back to see him smiling into the distance. “Now what?” Drew looked down, swaying slightly. While still giddy, he seemed reluctant to begin the climb down. I caught his hesitation and laughed. “Now who’s scared?” “Scared my ass,” he chuckled and began to worm his way around the trunk looking for foot holds. I quickly shimmied back down the tree and out of his way. Just as I hit the ground, Drew called down, “Want to play on the swings?” It was exactly what I wanted to do, but I was tired from the short climb. I tried not to look too obvious as I wiped away the dirt and rust colored bark that spattered my slacks. “I don’t know...” Feeling too old for this?” he joked, dropping down beside me. I was, but I couldn’t admit to it, not when his tone was so challenging. Still, I tried to get out of it, saying, “Aren’t you scared we’ll look a little ridiculous?” “Scared?” he barked back, resting his hands on his hip in a pose that reminded me disturbingly of Peter Pan. “Nothing scares me ” I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Then lead the way.” We started toward the playground after pulling on our shoes. Drew set a leisurely pace at first, showing that he was more winded than he was letting on. We were both over 40 after all. Just as we reached the pond, however, Drew threw me a look and shouted, “Race you!” before taking off. I had just barely caught my breath, but I sprinted after him anyway. I was younger and far more fit, and I’d be damned if I was going to let him beat me. We skidded to a halt just before the swings, sliding in the sand. Parents and children alike stopped to stare at us: two grown men shoving each other around like boys, both laughing so hard we could barely breath. I thought I saw a glimmer of recognition as a few of them stared at Drew, but we were left alone, though most likely out of confusion rather than respect. We were giggling between huge, gulping breaths as we settled ourselves onto two of the larger swings. It took us a few moments to recover enough to start swinging, and even then we barely left the ground, pushing ourselves in slow, small arcs. We stayed that way for some time, each lost in his own thoughts. A light breeze cooled my skin, though the sun still bore down on us happily. I wondered whether I’d get sunburn. Minutes passed, and we became uninteresting. Children resumed their play around us; mothers went back to their chatting. “So,” Drew said, startling me back to the present. “How are you doing, anyway?” The question took me by surprise. Our conversations up to this point had been light and inconsequential, but Drew’s tone had suddenly become quite serious. “I’m fine.” He nodded, still swinging, not looking at me. “Greg said you were having problems at home.” Ah. So that was it. I silently cursed Greg and his big mouth, but remained outwardly calm. “Oh... that’s... it’s nothing.” “If it’s nothing then why don’t you tell me about it?” I wanted to, but it didn’t seem fair considering the pain I was causing Drew. Even if he didn’t know it was me. I turned to look at him, and the concern on his face was so genuine that I found the words leaving my lips before I had a chance to stop them. “I think my wife may be cheating on me.” Drew was nodding again, heels dug into the sand to slow himself down until he was merely swaying on the swing. “I know how you feel.” I nodded. “I know you do.” “You do?” “Yeah, I–“ I looked up and caught Drew’s shocked gaze. Shit. Looks like Greg’s not the only one who doesn’t know how to keep his mouth shut. I felt my cheeks begin to burn and averted my gaze. “I kind of overheard you talking to Ryan last night.” “Oh.” It came out quiet and devoid of emotion. “I didn’t mean to,” I hurried on, “I was in the bathroom and you guys came in and–“ “No, it’s cool.” Drew cut me off with a very fake smile. I looked to him and saw the unasked question in his eyes. “Yeah,” I nodded. “It’s cool.” He visibly relaxed, sagging back into the swing, fists loosening on the supporting chains, relieved that I was okay with his choice in lovers. I felt the need to reassure him further, but it was hard to do without revealing my own interest in Wayne. Finally I just shrugged and said, “I think we’re all a little....” But I couldn’t finish, not because I didn’t want to admit to finding other men attractive, but because I didn’t want to make that proclamation about the other guys. I knew Brad, at least, wouldn’t appreciate it. Drew seemed to understand anyway, smiling enigmatically, most likely wondering what, or rather who, in particular I was referring to. “You too?” he asked. It was an honest question. After all, I was always reluctant to get intimate on stage. “Me too.” He looked rather intrigued, and I was beginning to get uncomfortable. If we continued along this line of conversation, I was sure to say something I’d regret. But Drew seemed to pick up on the feeling as well. He gave a little push and began to swing once again. “So why do you think your wife is cheating on you?” I shrugged. “I don’t really have any evidence. It’s mostly just a feeling. I’m going to call her on Wednesday, though. Maybe I’ll feel better by then.” “Why not until Wednesday?” “She’s busy. She has this project due tomorrow and she’s working on it tonight.” “A solo project?” “No....” I glanced at Drew out of the corner of my eye, starting to see where he was going with this. “She’s working with this guy....” “I see...” Drew smirked, and I could see a plan formulating. “So he’ll be there tonight?” “Most likely.” “Well, then,” Drew came to an abrupt halt and jumped off the swing. He came to stand before me and reached a hand out to help me up. “Why don’t we say hi?” Chapter 4 Despite Drew’s enthusiasm, we didn’t leave the park straight away. It would be hours until my wife arrived home, and besides, he still had to convince me. We ended up back under the maple tree, arguing. “I still don’t see what you hope to achieve,” I said for what seemed like the millionth time in just under an hour. Drew sighed. We were leaning on opposite sides of the trunk facing away from each other, so I couldn’t read his body language, but even an idiot would have been able to hear the frustration in his voice. “I told you: we’re going to catch her in the act.” “But what if there’s nothing to catch? What if I’m just being stupid and paranoid? She’ll think I don’t trust her.” “But you don’t,” Drew reasoned with me. “But she doesn’t need to know that.” Drew sighed again, and it was followed by a thump; in his aggravation, Drew had knocked the back of his head against the tree. I could hear him muttering curses under his breath and stifled a smile. “If two people are in a relationship and there’s a lack of trust, it’s obvious. She already knows. Besides,” he continued when I didn’t respond, “why do you want to be with a woman you don’t trust?” “You don’t trust Wayne,” I pointed out. “Don’t change the subject,” he shot back. Oddly enough, it sounded as though he were smiling. He was right, though. I was trying to divert the conversation; I wasn’t ready to answer that question. From what I knew of Drew, however, I had no choice. “I love her.” “So?” “So? ” I cried, twisting around the trunk to look at Drew. He had done the same. We locked eyes, and I continued to rant, “What do you mean, ‘So?’ I take it you’ve never been in love before. And marriage – marriage is sacred....” I was quickly losing steam. I had already broken my vows, so to continue was nothing short of ludicrous. It didn’t help, the way Drew was smirking at me, either. “If you’d let me interrupt for just a moment,” Drew said, “you never said you were in love with your wife. You said you loved her. There’s a big difference. But who cares? That’s not the point. The point is that loving someone, or even being in love with someone, is not enough to hold a relationship together. You need trust. You need common bonds. You need conviction.” I broke his gaze and turned back to once again lean against the tree. “I can’t believe I’m getting relationship advice from you.” “Hey I’m with someone ” “Drew,” I laughed, “you’re having an affair with a married man who’s cheating on you.” “Well, yeah, but I still know what I’m talking about.” The hurt rang clearly in each word. “Shit.” The guilt was creeping back. Here Drew was, only trying to help me and I had to go and flaunt my tryst with Wayne. “Look, man, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” “No, it’s cool. It’s true.” Damn it. Damnitdamnitdamnit. I sprang to my feet and circled around the tree to come face to face with Drew. He stared up at me, looking quite surprised. I hesitated for just a moment and then dropped to my knees and enveloped him in a tight hug. “You’re too nice,” I said with absolute conviction. “You don’t deserve this.” His arms came up around me hesitantly. “Chip?” he asked, voice low, concerned. “Are you okay? I’m really not that upset.” I shook my head, but couldn’t seem to make myself speak. I was overreacting, at least from his point of view, but I couldn’t pull away. I think I needed this – needed to know that, for now, at least, things were good between us. “Hey....” His arms tightened around me imperceptibly. “We can talk about it later if you want. For now let’s take care of your problem.” “Yeah, okay.” I pulled back, flushed with embarrassment and unable to meet his worried gaze. We both got to our feet and started for the car without speaking. When we had almost reached it, Drew asked, “Is there something else going on that you’re not telling me?” “There is,” I admitted before I could stop myself, “but I really don’t want to talk about it.” He nodded in understanding. Other than my giving the occasional direction, we made the drive in silence. We wanted to get to my house around eight that evening, so we actually had a couple hours to kill. Conversation was the last thing I wanted to partake in, so I suggested a movie. Drew chose some low brow comedy that, while funny, left very little impression. All in all, it wasn’t a bad way to spend the evening. We pulled up to my house at a quarter to nine. Drew hopped out of the car immediately, but I was a bit more reluctant. My wife’s car was parked in the driveway alongside an unfamiliar black Sedan. Part of me was dying to see what was going on inside, but mostly I was just scared. Whatever happened tonight, I had the feeling that it would change everything. I’m not sure I was ready for that. Noting my hesitation, Drew came around the car to open my door. He ushered me out with a false sense of bravado, going into a deep bow and swinging one arm out. I didn’t want to leave the safety of the car, but I did anyway. Drew followed me to the door where I paused yet again. With a sigh that bordered on disgusted, Drew pushed past me to open the door himself. “Wait ” I shot one hand out, catching his wrist just as the door swung in. “Shouldn’t we knock?” “Knock?” he scoffed. “It’s your house ” “Yeah, but–“ “But what?” Drew took his hand off the knob to face me properly. “You want to give them a chance to get decent?” I cringed at that. His words had struck me like a physical blow. In actuality, I think that’s exactly what I wanted. Like I said, I wasn’t ready for this. I wanted to run, to get back in Drew’s car and head straight back to the hotel and forget I’d ever agreed to this. I think Drew knew it as well because the next moment had him taking hold of my hand and practically dragging me inside. Most of the lights were off, save the kitchen and upstairs hall, both of which we could see from the foyer. The darkness, along with an unnatural quiet that seemed to permeate each room left me feeling like we were trespassing; any second a ghoul or a stern-faced old man with a shotgun would come round the corner, screaming at the top of his lungs. I considered calling out to my wife, but I was sure Drew would smack me for even thinking it and stayed quiet. We made a quick circuit of the downstairs, not speaking except for Drew giving me a whispered compliment on the decor. It was his first time in my home. The ground floor was empty, and we ended up back in the foyer facing the staircase that lead to the second floor. I felt a sinking feeling in my gut. There was a small computer room on the second floor, but it mostly housed bedrooms and the master bathroom. This wasn’t looking good. But along with that sudden sense of dread, I felt an overwhelming surge of confidence. As it became more and more obvious that my suspicions were being confirmed, anger replaced hesitation. I may not have been ready to change my life, but that wasn’t going to stop me from plunging in head first. I took the lead as we headed upstairs, Drew practically tiptoeing behind me. I turned right as we hit the landing, instinctively heading for the master bedroom. The door was shut tight. I had the urge to put my ear to the door, but held it in check. I think even I was tiptoeing now, and I knew I was holding my breath. I lay one hand on the door knob to my bedroom, alert, almost excited. The brass was cold against my sweaty palm. I couldn’t hear anything; the house still had that surreal, empty feeling. Finally, sucking in a deep breath, I threw the door open– –only to find an empty room. “Huh,” Drew said. He was so close behind me that I could feel his breath on my cheek. I could do little more than stare into the room uncomprehendingly. I had been so sure. Coming back to my senses, I commented dumbly, “They’re not here.” “Yeah,” Drew replied. “I noticed that.” We stood there for a minute and then Drew shrugged. “Maybe they went out?” “Both of their cars are in the driveway,” I pointed out, “They have to be here somewhere.” “Maybe they–“ Drew started to say, but I swung around, slapping one hand over his mouth. He started, eyes narrowing, but I paid him no mind. I was too busy listening, eyes skipping from door to door down the hallway. “There Did you hear that?” It was muffled, but I distinctly heard what could only be described as a squeal. There were two more bedrooms, a bathroom, and the computer room. Oddly enough, I could swear the sound was coming from that last one. “I heard it,” Drew said, pushing my hand from his mouth and meeting my eyes. He moved back against the wall, allowing me to pass him. All his energy from earlier had faded; he looked to me now with obvious concern, perhaps regretting that he’d pushed me into coming here. I didn’t hold it against him, though. I attempted to give Drew a reassuring smile, but I’m afraid ti came out as more of a grimace. Giving up, I crossed the hall to the computer room door, swinging it open without hesitation. I froze. Whatever I had been preparing myself for, this was not it. My wife sat in the rolling chair we used when seated at the computer, completely naked, head thrown back, knuckles white as she clutched at the armrests. Someone was kneeling between her legs, head buried between her thighs. It wasn’t Bob. Not unless he’d gotten a sex change since yesterday. From what I could tell from my vantage point, my wife was cheating on me with a rather busty and undeniably female brunette. With a nice ass. I could only stare as I tried to wrap my brain around this. They were still going at it, and as I watched, my wife let out another one of those squeals, puttering off into a breathy sigh. They had yet to notice us, that is, until Drew practically shouted, “Holy shit ” The amusement in his voice was plain, and I suddenly wanted to kick him. My wife, Patty’s, eyes opened immediately and locked with mine. She looked absolutely mortified. Her lover jerked back, falling back on her ass. “Chip ” Patty squeaked, desperately trying to cover herself with her hands. “Patty,” I replied, my voice calm, even. “What are you doing here?” She was practically yelling now. Drew was outright laughing. “I think the better question is what are you doing?” Patty finally noticed his presence. She turned a very deep shade of red, hand scrounging around on the floor for something, anything to throw at him. She finally came up with a shiny black heeled shoe and lobbed it erratically. Drew and I dived out of the way, watching it bounce off the wall as she screamed, “Get out Get out of here ” Anger was overtaking me yet again, shoving aside the shock. “Come on, Drew,” I said, turning and giving him a rather harsh shove back into the hallway. I followed, slamming the door behind me. I had every right to be mad at her, but at the same time, no right at all. The juxtaposition was just confusing and only added fuel to my anger. “Chip, wait ” Patty called out to me as I stepped foot on the staircase, still herding Drew. I paused, but didn’t turn around. “I didn’t mean for you to go.” “I can’t be here right now.” My voice was low, but in the otherwise silent hallway I had no doubt that she heard me. “I can’t deal with this now. I can’t even look at you.” I started down again, blocking out any further protests. Drew had reached the first floor and stood at the bottom of the steps, watching, waiting patiently for me to join him. There was no trace of amusement in his wide, blue eyes now. Only pity. And I hated him for that. I was disgusted with myself. I felt used, betrayed, like a five dollar whore thrown out on the street. I wasn’t in the mood for sympathy. I just wanted to curl up in a dark corner with a bottle of Jack Daniels and wallow in self-loathing. I brushed past Drew and out of the house without another word. We didn’t speak as Drew unlocked the Porche and we slid inside. Out of habit, I automatically buckled my seatbelt, but then turned to stare out the window. I wasn’t looking at anything in particular; more it was my way of telling Drew that I needed to be left alone, not that it worked. “Hey, man,” he said, reaching out a hand to me, but pulling it back at the last moment. “I’m so sorry.” We were still in the driveway, the car idling mindlessly in the background. I half expected my wife to come out, to make another attempt at stopping me, but there was no sign of her. “Are you okay?” “Do I fucking look okay?” It came out far harsher than I had intended, growled into the car window, but I had no intention of apologizing. “Yeah. Sorry. Stupid question.” Drew sighed. His fingers tapped a rhythm on the steering wheel. “Look, let’s get out of here... go back to the hotel....” “Fine.” Drew shifted the car into reverse and began to back out of the driveway. He paused once we were on the street, however. “Um... I need directions back to the highway.” “I don’t care.” Drew heaved another sigh, this one out of obvious aggravation. “If you want to get back, then you need to help me.” “Just leave me alone.” “Then stop being such a fucking prick and give me directions!” It was the first time I had ever heard Drew raise his voice. I whipped my head around to stare at him, startled speechless. I think it startled him a little as well. He was looking back at me, eyes wide, breathing quick and shallow. “I’m sorry,” he said. He closed his eyes, turning back to face front. “Can I please have directions?” I nodded numbly. “You don’t have to apologize. I.... You’re trying to help, and I’m taking out my anger on you, and–“ Drew shook his head and cut me off with, ‘No, it’s cool. Just tell me where to go.” Once we made it to the highway, we lapsed back into silence. Strangely, it felt rather companionable. The day’s events had left me drained, slumped bonelessly into the car seat. I was dozing on and off, but grateful for Drew’s presence. Most of his attention was focused on the road, though he continued to randomly flip through radio stations the entire drive. On one level it was quite annoying, especially considering that I was trying to sleep, but it was also comforting. It was so normal, like he was coming back from a day at the beach and his biggest concern in the whole world was avoiding listening to the Backstreet Boys. The sun had set some time ago. The sky was an inky black as we set out from my house, but the closer we got to the city, the lighter the horizon grew, like a perpetual half-light covering L.A. I found myself smiling at my reflection in the window. Los Angeles was OZ, but I had left my ruby slippers back in Kansas. I could never go home again. My smile faded, and I closed my eyes again, slipping back into unconsciousness. I jolted awake when Drew turned the car off. We were in the parking garage beneath our hotel. The yellowish-green overhead lights threw Drew’s profile into sharp relief. We stayed in the car for a moment, Drew staring forward, lost in thought as I yawned and stretched. My back was killing me; the Porche was a nice car but not the ideal place for a nap. Drew still wasn’t moving by the time I’d fully awakened, so I made myself ask, “Now what?” If he was surprised to hear me speak, it didn’t show in his demeanor. He shrugged. “Thanks for...” I turned away to stare out the windshield, tracing the grooves of the concrete wall beyond with my eyes as I searched for the right words. “... for today. For everything. It was.... fun.” While that may not have been entirely true, all things considered, I’d had a better day than I would have imagined. Drew chuckled, shaking his head. “You sound like we’re on a date.” I laughed along with him. “Hey, a stroll through the park, a movie... all we need is a goodnight kiss.” “Yeah.” We turned back to each other at the same moment, and our eyes locked. Some irrational part of me wondered just what it would be like to kiss Drew. He had nice lips. The next moment I was blushing, my ears burning as I thanked God for the dim lighting. It had grown extremely uncomfortable in the car. Drew opened his mouth to speak, but his words came out muffled and scratchy. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Feeling better?” “Yeah. I’m sorry I was such a dick earlier.” Drew shrugged it off, smiling. “You had reason.” There was another lull in the conversations where we both fidgeted nervously. I was reminded that while today had been fun, I really didn’t know Drew very well. Nevertheless, it still felt odd that we couldn’t think of a thing to say. “Hey,” Drew said suddenly with a burst of inspiration. “Let’s go up to my room. We can order room service and watch tv. You know, relax.” I was all for it, but once we’d reached Drew’s room (which was actually more of a suite) we realized just how late it was and Drew opted to raid his dinette for beer rather than order actual food. There wasn’t much on at eleven o’clock on a Monday night, however. We eventually settled on some B movie on the sci-fi channel, ripping on everything from the bad acting to the even worse special effects. We had turned to the film when it was already half over, and had absolutely no idea what was going on, but that just made it all the more fun. By the time the credits were rolling, squashed to the side to make room for a Stargate commercial, my eyelids were drooping. Drew and I had worked our way through one six pack and were nearly finished a second, so I was feeling warm, safe, and pleasantly buzzed, curled up on one half of Drew’s king sized bed. The credits faded away to be replaced by an old episode of The Twilight Zone. I rarely caught the show, but I tended to like what I saw of it. I was far too tired to pay attention tonight, though, and found my mind wandering. Drew had slipped off the bed and was wiggling out of his jeans. It seemed like a good idea. Pants were stupid. Stripped down to a t-shirt and boxers, Drew crawled back into bed, scrounging around the mess we had made of the covers for the remote. He muted the tv. I watched Rod Sterling give the premise for the episode. It was creepy, watching him talking without hearing him. I knew he was warning the audience of something disturbing if not downright terrifying, and in my sleepy haze, it worried me just a little that I would have to finish the night without his prophetic advice. “I think it’s time for bed,” Drew said after a moment, stifling a yawn. That was an absolutely fabulous idea. “Yeah....” I snuggled further into the covers. Drew laughed. “Not going back to your room?” “Too far,” I objected. In truth, I was just down the hall and around the corner, but I couldn’t imagine myself making the trip as tired as I was. Drew was still laughing, but he nodded. “You can stay here if you want.” I made some indistinct happy noises in the back of my throat and made a half-assed effort to pull off my button down shirt. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Drew stiffen slightly just before I lifted the material over my head, but I paid it little mind as I was currently working on getting rid of my slacks. Wearing nothing but the briefs I had donned that morning, I wormed back under the covers. Drew stayed in bed another moment and then got up to switch off the light. He had pulled closed the curtains some time ago, so once they were off, it left the room in compete darkness. I could hear Drew stumbling across the room as he attempted to locate the bed. It sagged a little under his weight before I felt him shifting around; his bare calf brushed mine. I must have giggled or something then because Drew asked, “What’s so funny?” “This,” I said, still chuckling. “I did not imagine the day ending up like this when I woke up this morning.” “Yeah...,” Drew mused and then chuckled himself. “It is kind of weird, isn’t it?” “The whole day was weird,” I replied. Drew said nothing. I found my thoughts drifting over the events of the day, ending with, “Did you want to talk about Wayne?” “Not now,” Drew said immediately. “I’m too tired.” Despite his response, I had questions of my own. This might be my only chance to ask them. “Do you love him?” Drew was a long time in answering, so long, in fact, that I figured he was either ignoring me or had fallen asleep. When he did speak, it was soft, hesitant. “I... I’m not sure how to answer that. I do... but, then I love all my friends. Am I in love with him? I don’t know. I care about him. A lot. More than a friend, I guess, but... it’s... I’m.... Wayne is married. I want to get married. I want to have kids, so no matter how I feel about him, it can’t last.” “Did you ever think about adopting kids?” “Of course, but.... I don’t know. Just the thought that I’ll never be with a woman again scares me. I’m not homophobic,” he chuckled, “obviously, but I don’t know if I want to be labeled as gay. Does that make sense?” “Yeah.” I nodded in the dark, thinking to myself, fully aware that he couldn’t see me. I think that was part of my problem: I was starting to get comfortable with the idea of getting sexual with another guy, but to be thought of as gay still bothered me. Coming back to the present, I considered Drew’s words and then asked, “So if you don’t see a future with Wayne, then why are you with him?” “Well....” Drew blew out a long breath. “It’s like... it’s like Ryan and Colin. You know they’ll never leave their wives, but they can’t not be together. It’s just the way things are.” “Yeah....” I was nodding again. I suppose it was like what Greg had said that first night: there was so much sexual tension floating around that it would be more of a shock if nothing ever developed from it. “But now he’s cheating on you.” “Probably. Yeah.” “And you’re okay with that?” “Of course not It sucks. It hurts. I mean, I know he’s married, but this... I thought....” Drew groaned, and his next words were muffled, as though he’d covered his face with his hands. “This is going to make me sound like such a girl, but I thought we had something special.” “Yeah, you do sound like a girl,” I chuckled, trying to make light of the situation. Possibly more for my benefit than his; that old familiar guilt was creeping back. Drew whipped his pillow from under his head and smacked me with it. I laughed, but the next instant he was sighing deeply. Okay. Joking time was over. “Well, what are you going to do?” “I don’t know. I guess that depends on Wayne.” “Do you want to stay with him?” Drew sighed. “I want... I want to go to bed. Can we talk about this later?” He sounded frustrated and just a little put off. I supposed I could understand that. I was dragging the information out of him, making him talk about something that could only be painful. “Yeah. Um... goodnight.” “Night.” The bed shifted as he rolled onto his side, facing away from me. Soon he was snoring softly, but I was a long time from finding my own rest. It felt like I had just fallen asleep when I was awoken by the sound of arguing. I opened my eyes briefly. I had rolled onto my back some time in the night and could only see the blank white canvas that was the ceiling. I tried to look around without moving too much. Near the foot of the bed, just to the right, Drew stood in the doorway that connected the bedroom to the rest of his suite. He was speaking to someone out of my line of sight. While they were obviously fighting, their words were being kept to just above a whisper and I couldn’t make them out. Suddenly Drew turned to look my way. I slammed my eyes shut and forced myself to relax. He must have thought I was still asleep because he dared to raise his voice just the tiniest bit. “This really isn’t a good time.” “What? Why?” I recognized Wayne voice immediately. The only thing I could think was “Oh shit.” It repeated in my mind, a useless mantra. After all, if I was fighting with my boyfriend and went to see him just to find another man in bed, I’d sure as Hell think something was up. Belatedly, I realized that Drew must have been thinking along the same lines, because he wasn’t just standing in the doorway – he was blocking it. “It’s just... I’m not dressed, and I’m not awake, and I don’t want to argue right now.” “I just want to know where you were last night. Why won’t you tell me?” “I did. I went to the park.” Wayne sounded incredulous. “Ten at night and you were at the park?” “Well....” For the life of me I couldn’t figure out why Drew wasn’t telling Wayne the truth. Last night had been nothing if not innocent. It didn’t make sense. “Is there someone in there?” Shit. I had the insane urge to hide under covers, but that was stupid – nothing had happened. “No. Well, yes, but it’s not what you think.” “Oh? And why don’t you tell me what it is, exactly, that I think?” “Look... he... we... he wasn’t feeling well, so we came back here and we were tired, and–“ “He? He who?” There was a bit of shuffling. Wayne was trying to see into the room. I immediately turned away from the door. I didn’t want him to see my face. “Chip?” “Yes, Chip–“ “What did you do?” “Nothing ” Drew was almost practically shouting now. “I’m trying to tell you that we went to the park and we got to talking, and–“ “What did he tell you?” “–he told me that he was having.... wait. What? He thought his wife was being unfaithful.... What did you think I was going to say?” “Never mind. You know what? This is a bad time. I’m going to go.” “No. No no nononono. Hold up. You can’t just leave. What did you think I was going to say?” It was so strange to hear Wayne and Drew arguing. I felt like a child, my parents fighting in the next room as my world fell apart around me. I wanted to bury my head under the pillow and forget this was happening. “Not now, Drew.” Wayne sighed, paused. “We’re going to wake him up.” “Then we’ll shut the door,” Drew replied and did just that. I could hear the conversation continue, but their voices were lowered and I could no longer make out the words. I decided then that I was going to get the Hell out of there. I was far too deep into this – Jesus, I was practically the cause of this argument, and I had no desire to deal with Drew when it was all over, or worse, get pulled into the fight myself. Luckily, Drew’s suite had two doors that led to the hallway: one in the living room and one in the bedroom. I dressed and made a hasty exit. I considered leaving Drew a note, but that seemed far too reminiscent of a one night stand. It was the last impression I wanted to leave. Tuesday and Wednesday passed in somewhat of a blur. Miraculously I saw neither Wayne nor Drew over the course of those two days. In fact, I didn’t see much of anyone. I randomly ran into Brad once on the elevator, but he was busy and I was tired, so very few words were even exchanged. Much of Tuesday was spent talking to my wife. After leaving Drew’s room I headed for my own. I had no less than five messages from Patty ranging from angry to tearful, and even though I knew she would be at work at the time, I called back and left a message of my own. The phone rang a few times while I stayed holed up, flipping through the channels and drinking water from the tap because I had no appetite. I ignored the calls, however, as they were most likely Drew or Wayne calling; it was far too early for my wife to be home. I tried her again around seven, and this time I got her. Less than twenty four hours had passed since we’d last seen each other, but tempers seemed to have cooled considerably on both sides. The conversation was calm, almost business-like. She asked if I wanted to try and work things out. I said “No” without even thinking, and she seemed okay with that. The word divorce was never spoken, though it was heavily implied. We discussed who would get what, and it was decided that she would keep anything that didn’t hold a personal significance for me, including the house and ninety percent of the furnishings. None of it seemed important. Somewhere in there I admitted that I had cheated on her as well. She didn’t appear to be surprised, and even went as far as to guess that it had been with a man. I didn’t contradict her, but I refused to give her any further information. She promised to get in contact with our lawyer, and I was content to let her handle most of the details. Someone would find me later that week so I could read through the papers and give them my signature. The conversation ended shortly thereafter. Out of habit I almost said “I love you” just as I was about to hang up the phone, but stopped myself just in time. She sensed the words, though, because with a mirthless chuckle she said, “I love you, too, Chip,” and I was left listening to dead air. It certainly wasn’t the best conversation of my life, but it left me with a bewildered sense of freedom. I spent most of Wednesday trying to figure out what I was going to do now. I knew I needed to find somewhere to live, and I didn’t have a lot of time. I would be in L.A. for just over a week, and after that I’d have nowhere to go. I considered asking one of the guys if I could crash at their place, but I didn’t want to impose. I’d probably end up in a cheap motel for a while. Once the conversation with my wife was over I didn’t really think about her much. I was far too busy considering my own future. Other than the housing situation, I had to wonder when I would be dating again. Mind, I wasn’t quite ready to jump back into a relationship, but to have something going on with another guy – with Wayne specifically – was looking very appealing. And it would be safe. There was no chance that Wayne would be looking for something long term. Of course there was my old friend guilt to contend with. I wasn’t about to destroy Wayne and Drew’s relationship, not after all Drew had done for me. It was that complication that haunted me throughout Wednesday and into Thursday. That is, until something more interesting came up. I was venturing out of my room for the first time in over twenty four hours late Thursday morning dressed in jeans and an old t-shirt when I ran into Kathy Greenwood in the lobby. She had checked in barely an hour before. She, Brad and I would be the fourth seaters for the upcoming weekend. We chatted amicably over an early lunch, talking of trivial things. I didn’t know Kathy very well; I had no desire to discuss my current situation with her. Still, the conversation was pleasant enough and I found myself very much enjoying her company. As we parted ways (she was going out and I was thinking going back to my room) something very interesting came up. I had given her a quick hug, saying, “So I guess I’ll see you around?” “Sure,” she nodded. Something occurred to her then. Her eyes widened comically. “Oh. Just so you know – I won’t be able to make it tonight. Tell the others if I don’t see them?” “Tonight?” “You know. The party?” I think the confusion on my face was clear because she looked absolutely mortified. The next moment it was gone, to be replaced by a bright smile. “Oh, ah, nothing. Never mind. See you.” She gave a short wave and turned away quickly, but there was no way I was letting her go. “Hold on one minute.” I ran after her, scooting around to block her exit. “What party?” “No party,” she replied in that obviously false cheerful tone. “I was just... um....” I simply raised my eyebrows at her, waiting for the truth. “No, really... I... ah, crap.” She sighed, and with a grimace, met my eyes. “Drew’s having a party tonight at Ryan’s house. I ran into him when I was checking in, and he invited me. He said everyone was going to be there, but if you don’t know about it yet....” “Oh.” “But that doesn’t make any sense ” she continued hastily. “I mean, he’d have no reason not to invite you. I’m sure it’s just... he forgot... or....” If you asked me, Drew had every reason not to invite me. I had to wonder just what was said between him and Wayne after I’d left. I plastered a smile on my lips and replied, “I’m sure you’re right. Yeah. I should go. I’ll see you later.” I could see it in her eyes; she was afraid she’d made a huge mistake mentioning the party to me, but I had no intention of getting her in trouble. I wasn’t about to crash a party when I was obviously not wanted. I turned and walked to the elevators without glancing back. I was far too sure that she was looking at me with pity. I was going to get enough of that when everyone learned of the divorce; I didn’t need it to start now. Of course now, I reflected during the short ride to the ninth floor, I had even more on my mind. I’d been doing nothing but thinking for days and I was damn sick of it. It would have been nice to go to a party and just not think for a few hours. The bell dinged, signaling my arrival as the elevator gave a slow lurch. The doors slid open and I found myself facing Brad. “Hey ” he cried, grinning broadly at the sight of me. Well, I thought, at least one person is still happy to see me. I squashed the thought before it had time to fully surface, however, rippling with mild disgust. Hadn’t I just been thinking that I wasn’t ready for the pity parade to begin just yet? “Hey, Brad,” I greeted him with the most genuine smile I could muster. “Long time no see,” he only half joked, slapping me on the back as we passed each other. He settled into the elevator and spun around. “See you tonight?” I mumbled some neutral response, and Brad frowned. “You are coming, right?” I just shrugged, my smile fading. “I don’t know.” Just then the elevator dinged impatiently. It gave a hiccup and the doors kicked into gear, wanting to close. I turned to go back to my room, but a scuffle behind me gave me pause. Brad had thrown himself forward and was now trapped by the doors, squirming between the metal slabs before the elevator realized he was there and released him. He stumbled into the hallway and up to me, red-faced and panting. “What do you mean you don’t know?” His concern for me was obvious and incredibly touching, bringing back my smile full force. I found myself laughing at the picture he made. “I wasn’t invited, but it’s fine.” “Not invited? Of course you were ” “No,” I insisted, still smiling. After all, the party seemed rather trivial when facing Brad – a friend, and a damn good one at that. “No one’s mentioned it.” “We’ll see about that ” he huffed. The next moment he had grabbed my hand and was tugging me forcefully down the hall. “No, wait, Brad– it’s okay Really ” “No, it’s not.” I fought against him, but Brad was stronger than I and managed to pull me down the hall to Drew’s door. With one hand still clamped around mine, he lifted the other to knock on the door. A few moments passed and I began to fidget. I had it in my head that not only did Drew not want to see me, but he’d be downright angry with me. I was seriously considering employing all my strength and making a run for it when the door opened. Drew stood in the doorway blinking sleepily. He looked much the way he had the last time I had seen him, dressed in boxers and a t-shirt. He smiled when he saw us. “Hi Brad, Chip. Something wrong?” Brad took the offensive, stepping forward to prod Drew with one forefinger and dropping my hand. “Did you invite Chip to the party?” Drew blinked at him. “What?” “Chip thinks he wasn’t invited.” Drew turned to me thoughtfully. The smile had fled from his lips, but now it came back, bright and mischievous. “Of course I invited him. Maybe if he’d actually answer his phone once in a while....” I had to blush at that. It was true that I hadn’t taken any calls since Monday; I hadn’t even thought about it. “I left you, like, half a dozen messages,” Drew continued, “but you seem to want to take up life as a hermit.” “Yeah.” I had to grin back at him. “I guess I have been kind of out of it.” “See ” Brad crossed his arms smugly, aiming a smirk my way. “What did I tell you?” He nodded to himself, and then something seemed to occur to him. “Shit Now I’m really late. I have to go.” He turned to bolt, but paused and looked back to me. “So I’ll see you tonight? Both of you?” We nodded, and he smiled before taking off. “So...” Drew said after we’d watched Brad disappear around the corner. “Didn’t think you were invited?” I couldn’t meet his eyes. “I thought you might be angry at me.” Drew didn’t respond right away. When he did, it was in a much softer tone. “Why would I be mad?” “I don’t know. I....” “Because you had sex with Wayne?” I think I just about shit myself. I spun to face Drew, shocked beyond words, fear a cold, hard thing in the pit of my stomach. “How...?” “How did I know? I didn’t, but I guess I do now.” We stared at each other for a second and then Drew laughed. “No, I’m fucking with you; I knew.” He was smiling at me and I had no idea what was going on. “Wayne fessed up the other day, but I knew before then. It wasn’t that hard to figure out.” Drew nodded to himself, leaning against the door jam as he settled in to tell me a story. “Wayne’s not the type for a one night stand, so I assumed it was someone he knew. Since it happened just a few days ago, it had to be one of us. Colin and Ryan are out of the question, so it would have to be either you, Greg, or Brad. Greg is so not Wayne’s type; I counted him out immediately. And then Greg told us that he’d started something with Brad, so that only left you.” “So...” I frowned, thinking, trying to figure out the time line. “Then you knew on Monday? We spent the whole day together and you never said anything.” Drew shrugged. “We were dealing with your problem that day.” I couldn’t wrap my mind around that one. “But why would you do that for me after what I did to you?” It took Drew a moment to mull that over. Eventually he shrugged. “I don’t know. We were having fun. And you seemed so upset that it didn’t feel right to be mad at you.” It was nearly incomprehensible, the selflessness of that statement. People weren’t that nice. I wanted to give him another hug, but I couldn’t imagine Drew wanting me to touch him just then. “So yeah,” Drew straightened up. He smiled at me, though it looked almost strained. “You’re coming tonight, right?” “I... yeah... I guess.... You... you’re okay with this?” “No.” The barest hint of a frown crossed his lips before the smile was back. “I mean, well, it’s complicated. We’re not talking about it” “Well... don’t we kind of have to?” Drew sighed. “Probably, but not now. I don’t want to think about it. Let’s just have this party and have fun, okay?” I nodded and let him go back to his room, even though I still felt uneasy. This party seemed like an even worse idea than when I thought I hadn’t been invited. I’d try to have fun, but I couldn’t imagine relaxing enough to really let loose, not when I’d be dealing with Drew and Wayne all night. If they’d made up, they’d most likely be all over each other, and I wasn’t sure I could deal with that. After all, despite everything that had transpired, I still wanted Wayne. But Drew had forgiven me once. I wasn’t about to push my luck. Well, I’d try not to. The next couple of hours passed torturously slowly. A little after six, Greg came over. We’d be taking his rental car over to Ryan’s house together. They’d told me to pack a few things as we would all be drinking heavily and therefore spending the night. They also hinted that I might want to take a pair of swim trunks, though I didn’t actually bring a pair with me. Ryan had an awesome pool, though, and even if swimming and drinking wasn’t the smartest idea, it sure as Hell wasn’t going to stop us. My house was vaguely in the same direction as Ryan’s, however, so the guys offered to make a stop. I had yet to tell them about my marriage problems and had absolutely no idea how to get out of it without making the night more awkward than it was already bound to be. Eventually, and completely against my better judgement, I conceded. Less than twenty minutes later we were pulling out of the hotel’s garage. The drive over was pleasant enough. Brad and Greg were in high spirits, though far less touchy-feely than I had expected. It struck me as odd, all things considered. So much so that I found myself asking about it just as we turned into my neighborhood. “So... how are you guys doing?” “Fine.” They replied in unison and then glanced at each other and burst out laughing. “No,” I ratified, “I mean... you know... relationship wise.” There was another shared look and then Brad turned around in his seat to look at me. “There is no relationship.” “But–“ “It’s just sex,” Greg clarified. He was looking at me in the rearview mirror. “I know, but... shouldn’t you...” “Shouldn’t we what?” Greg had lifted an eyebrow. He continued to glance between me and the road, looking thoroughly amused. “Well, you’re having sex ” I cried, lifting my arms in frustration. “Shouldn’t you act like it?” They looked at each other again. Brad frowned. “I think he wants to see us make out.” Greg nodded, the picture of seriousness. “A voyeur.” He had pulled the car into the driveway and parked it. “I’m serious.” They smiled and both turned to meet my eyes. “Calm down, dude,” Greg laughed. “What Brad and I have going on... it’s like the whole ‘friends with benefits’ thing. We like it that way. It’s never going to be something more.” Brad nodded his agreement. “It’s not like we’re boyfriends or anything like that.” The idea alone made him giggle. I still wasn’t getting it; it seemed far too impersonal. But then, wasn’t it what I was hoping for with Wayne: sex with no commitment? I had thought so... I could never have anything more with him... so why did it bother me so much? “Go,” Greg said suddenly, startling me. He nodded toward the house. “Get your stuff so we can get going.” I approached the front door with more than a little apprehension. My wife’s car was in the driveway, but it was alone. My hand hovered over the knob for a moment. Just as I had worked up the courage to go inside, the door swung open on its own. Patty stood just inside, looking at me expectantly. She looked rather fetching in jeans and an untucked button down, the top few buttons undone to reveal just a hint of cleavage. “Chip.” She nodded to me, face devoid of any emotion. “Hi.” We stood there awkwardly for a moment where her eyes skipped past me to glance at the car. “What are you doing here?” “Why?” I asked, feeling irrationally angry, “Going on a date?” Her demeanor darkened for just a moment and then she smiled. “That’s funny. I was thinking that you came here to flaunt your boy-toy, actually.” I smiled back, weak, but genuine. Here we were, both automatically thinking the worst of each other. “What happened?” Though the question wasn’t exactly clear, she seemed to know what I was asking. “I honestly don’t know.” She moved aside then and I passed her to head inside. I automatically went up the steps, going to the bedroom, and she followed. “Sometimes people just... they just don’t work,” she commented. “Maybe we did at first, but–“ “Yeah.” I nodded, glancing back at her as I crossed the threshold into what used to be our bedroom. She still looked good to me, but I found I really didn’t want her – not the way I used to. My anger from a few days ago and faded into almost nothing. While this exchange was far from comfortable, it held the distinct feeling of being right, like this was how things were meant to me. I turned away to search my bureau, and we lapsed into silence. I could feel her eyes on me. “I’m just here to get my swimsuit,” I said once the quiet had become oppressive. “We’re goingn over to Ryan’s house.” “Mm.” “So... How is... she?” “Christy is fine,” Patty replied, putting a slight emphasis on the name. “She’s a little embarrassed, of course, but not really upset. I think she’s kind of happy about this. I think I am, too.” I looked up at her then, having just found my shorts. I considered her words and then smiled. “You know, I think I am, too.” She smiled back and suddenly things weren’t so uncomfortable. “So are you seeing anyone?” I shook my head. “Not really. How long have you and Christy been together?” She took a moment to work it out. “I think it’s been six months now.” She thought a little more, her smile turning wistful. “I’m thinking about asking her to move in.” I considered asking Patty if she loved Christy, but the fact that just thinking of her brought a smile to her lips told me all I needed to know. I stood to go, telling Patty that the guys would be waiting for me. She followed me down the steps to the front door, showing me out. After I’d stepped outside, we stood, just staring at each other. “I’ll come and get my stuff once the tapings are over,” I told her. She just nodded. “All right.” I glanced back to the car to see Greg and Brad waiting impatiently. “I’m going to go now. I’ll see you later.” “Chip? Wait.” Patty stumbled through the doorway to pull me into a tight hug which I returned immediately. We stayed that way for a moment, hanging on to each other, trying to convey all the things we didn’t know how to say in words. Finally, she pulled back and lay a soft kiss on my lips. “Good luck,” she whispered. “Go be happy.” I grinned at her. “Christy is one lucky woman. Don’t let her forget it.” I was feeling far brighter climbing into the car than when I’d left it. Brad was looking at me curiously. “Is everything okay?” “Yeah,” I said, smiling, watching Patty as Greg backed into the street. “Everything’s fine.” They knew there was something I wasn’t telling them, but neither Brad nor Greg pressed the issue. I was immensely glad that we’d made the stop at my house. Not only did it give me the sense of closure that I’d needed, but it also put another aspect of my life into surprising perspective. “So you’re not in a relationship,” I said, picking up our conversation from earlier as we approached the on ramp to the 405, “but how would you feel if the other cheated on you?” “Well,” Brad argued, “since we’re not in a relationship, there really can’t be any cheating.” “So you’re saying that you wouldn’t be upset if you found out Greg and I were having sex?” Brad laughed. “You mean after getting over how ludicrous that would be?” “Greg and Ryan then.” Brad frowned and then glanced at Greg, milling it over. “I wouldn’t be upset, no.... I’d be pissed, maybe, but mostly concerned about Ryan and Colin.” I supposed I could understand that, but still it didn’t feel like a strong enough reaction. “You wouldn’t be jealous?” “No,” Brad answered immediately and with absolute certainty. “But, see, I’d need that.” Greg laughed, flicking his eyes to me briefly. “You’d need to be jealous?” “Yes ” I cried and then clarified, “I couldn’t just have sex with someone I didn’t want all to myself.” “You had sex with Wayne,” Brad pointed out. Despite the fact that I hadn’t mentioned the affair to Greg, I wasn’t surprised at his lack of reaction. After all, if Brad hadn’t already mentioned it to Greg, then I assumed he’d heard it from Ryan who would have gotten it from Drew. “Exactly,” was all I said. Brad looked confused for a moment, and then his eyes lit up with clarity. “Oh.” He glanced at Greg and then back to me. “That’s not good.” “Actually, it is.” I smiled then, most likely just confusing Brad further. “It means I’m going to let him go.” That statement didn’t seem to relieve anyone. Brad looked to Greg again, most likely wondering if I was as okay as I sounded, which, of course, I wasn’t. This was an abrupt and rather disappointing end to my crush on Wayne, but it was for the best. I had the rest of my life to live, and I certainly wasn’t going to dwell on something that could never be. “Come on, guys,” I insisted. “Tonight’s supposed to be about relaxing, having fun. Let’s do that. Let’s party.” Chapter 5 We pulled up to Ryan’s house at a quarter to eight. From the amount of cars in the drive it looked like we were the last to arrive. The conversation hadn’t quite gotten lighter since our relationship talk, but we stuck to safer subjects. Nonetheless, we were in high spirits as we exited the car, all wondering just what Drew would have in store for us. Despite the fact that this little shindig was taking place at Ryan’s house, I was pretty sure he had little to nothing to do with it. He, like most of the guys in our group, was more inclined to spend nights away from our wives home alone or possibly sharing drinks and conversation with a few close friends. Drew, however, was different. Looking back on that night, I think we got off easy. That’s not to say that we were prepared for what happened or that it didn’t leave us just the tiniest bit scarred – just that it could have been far, far worse. The house was eerily quiet as we approached the front door. I know I, at least, expected loud music, nothing that shook the windows, mind you, but something more than the absolute silence we were met with. I think the quiet had Brad and Greg a little worried as well; we all shared a look before Greg reached out tentatively to ring the bell. Before he had the chance, however, the door swung inward to reveal an excessively peppy Drew. He was practically bouncing with excitement. “Come in!” he cried, pulling the door open further and swinging one arm out wide, inviting us inside. We were instructed to head into the living room before Drew disappeared into another room. Brad and I looked to each other; neither of us had ever been in Ryan’s house before, but Greg seemed to know his way around. He took the lead, crossing a sitting and dining room before entering the spacious living room. Colin, Ryan and Wayne were already seated on a long couch that sat snug against one wall and curved halfway around another. A low table held a few half empty beer bottles, surrounded by the couch and two armchairs. There was no television in this room; the layout seemed more appropriate for casual conversation and the entertainment of guests. One wall was nearly all windows along with a sliding glass door that looked out on Ryan’s backyard with its play set and lighted pool. A vaulted ceiling ended in clear plated skylights that showed the oncoming sunset and just a hint of stars. The room was decorated in subtle earth tones and felt incredibly Ryan to me. The other three looked up as we entered, suddenly halting their conversation as greetings were exchanged. Just as they resumed their seats and us newcomers were taking ours, Drew came bounding back into the room with more chilled beers. He waited until we all had taken a few sips before beginning. “Now that we’re all here,” he said, a mischievous smile on his lips, seated crossed-legged on the floor in front of Wayne, “what do you want to do?” Greg laughed. “Does it really matter? I’m sure you have plans for us.” “Of course,” Drew replied, still smiling enigmatically, “but I want to hear what you guys are looking to do.” “And what if I said I wanted you all out of my house?” Ryan asked with a smirk. “You don’t count,” Drew laughed. Ryan looked affronted, but that just made Drew laugh harder. “Anyone else?” “That pool’s looking mighty good right now,” Brad spoke up, nodding toward the sliding doors. It was true that the night was uncomfortably warm, though I was content to spend the evening sitting in Ryan’s air conditioned den. The other guys seemed to be in agreement with Brad, however, as I saw many of them nod. “Good!” Drew clapped his hands happily. He scooped up the remaining beer bottles and cans and jumped to his feet. “That’s exactly what I was thinking.” The seven of us had spent years sharing dressing rooms with each other, and for that and other reasons were all comfortably familiar with each others’ bodies. Most of us opted to change right there in the living room, but Drew and Colin, being a little more shy about their bodies, ran off to other rooms to don their swim suits. Soon we were all changed and milling about the deck sipping warming beer. Now that we were back outside in the summer heat, I had to admit that the pool was looking like a great idea. Brad, ever the exuberant one, downed his beer before dropping the bottle onto the patio and making a flying leap into the water. Those of us standing too close to the edge, myself included, found out just how cold the pool was. Water splashed up, dowsing both Colin and I head to toe. We laughed, backpedaling. I was more the type to get settled into a pool slowly, working my way in inch by inch, but there was no point now. Colin seemed to be thinking along the same lines. He raised his eyebrows, smiling at me and nodding toward the pool. I grinned in agreement, and in unison we ran back to the edge of the pool and jumped in. And, oh, but it was cold, but at the same time it felt so, so good. I surfaced, sill smiling, and looked around. Colin was working his way back to the shallow end of the pool, caught between having a conversation with Ryan, who was still hanging back, and fighting off Brad, who had begun a splashing war. Greg and Wayne were seated with Ryan at a table sipping their beers unhurriedly. Drew was nowhere to be seen. For a moment I forgot about wondering where Drew was as I looked over Wayne. It was very dark outside. The only light came from bulbs situated around the perimeter of the pool and those shining through the glass doors to the living room. I was sure that Ryan had other outdoor lighting, but in our haste had neglected to turn them on. The effect left those still on deck half in shadow. A golden-blue light skimmed Wayne’s dark skin and glinted off his teeth as he laughed at Brad’s antics. He looked angelic and for the life of me I couldn’t remember why I wanted to let him go. The next instant the moment was shattered by an earsplitting cry of “Cannonball!” I spun just in time to see Drew leap off the diving board at the far end of the pool. He hit the water, sending waves all the way to the shallow end. Brad let out a war cry of his own and began hopping toward Drew. Within seconds the battle had begun. Drew and Brad were splashing each other like children, every so often darting forward to attempt to dunk the other under water. Colin and I had moved to the side, content to just watch, but it was not to be. Moments later Ryan and Greg slipped into the pool to either side of us. “Come on.” Ryan lay a hand on Colin’s back, urging him forward. “You and I are on Drew’s team.” It was very obvious that Colin wanted nothing to do with this. Unfortunately he wasn’t getting out of it. “But,” he pointed out, “that’s three to one against Brad.” “Which is why Chip and I will be on his team,” Greg retorted, taking me by the arm and dragging me further into the pool. I wanted as much to do with this impromptu war as Colin, but Hell, it did look like fun.... “Let’s do it.” I grinned to Colin, dashing all his hopes of getting back up, and dove forward, sliding through the water to resurface mere feet from Drew. Brad was taking up all his attention so it was an easy feat to sneak up behind him. I put both hands on his shoulders and yanked, pulling him back into the water coughing and sputtering. I let up quickly, and Drew spun on me, laughing. “You bitch!” He cried and practically leapt forward, scrabbling for my shoulders. We struggled to dunk each other, laughing and cursing. After a moment I felt arms loop around my waist. Ryan was tugging me away from Drew, but then Greg came up behind him, tossing water in his eyes. Colin retorted by splashing Greg and shoving his way between them to shield Ryan from any further onslaught. He’d forgotten about Brad, however, who had sneaked up on Ryan’s other side to attack. It was an all out war, and eventually we ended up forgetting just which side we were on, splashing anyone and everyone within reach. Early on in the fight Ryan turned on Colin, and now they were locked in their own personal battle. Somewhere around the same time Wayne had jumped in wielding two water pistols. He quickly tossed one to Drew and together they took on everyone. Brad, Greg, and I had been a team until Brad “accidentally” splashed Greg. Soon after they were fighting and it wasn’t long after that Wayne and Drew turned on each other as well. Left alone, I waded to the shallow end of the pool and sat on the steps to watch the others. Everyone who had paired off was a couple (even if Greg and Brad would vehemently deny it), and seeing the affection each person showed for their partner left me feeling strangely out of the loop. At a glance you could tell that Colin and Ryan were in love, and from the way they were looking at each other, I’d say that Drew and Wayne weren’t far off either. Even Greg and Brad seemed to share an affection that went beyond friendship. I never considered myself needy, but seeing them all left me missing the tenderness I’d had with my wife when we’d first gotten together. It left me wanting... wanting Wayne. As strong as it was, however, I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that it was purely physical and would ultimately leave me unsatisfied. Oddly enough I found my attention drifting to Drew, remembering the day we’d spent together. He had mentioned wanting more than Wayne could offer. It looked like we had something in common. Actually, it looked like we had a lot in common. I’d had quite a bit of fun with him that day even with everything that had happened. It seemed that Drew had forgiven Wayne his infidelity, and I knew he had forgiven me. I wondered if Drew and I could stay friends. Maybe be more. That last thought took me completely by surprise, and I pushed it away immediately. I refused to let my thing for Wayne translate into a liking of men in general. Besides, this was Drew for God’s sake. Even if we did have a lot in common and had a lot of fun together and both didn’t mind relationships with men.... No. Continuing down this path wasn’t helping me. It was Drew, I told myself. No matter what he still wanted to get married and have children. I had as much a chance with him as I did with Wayne. Still.... I let my eyes drift over his form. He was still playing with Wayne, oblivious to my observations. Sure, he was a bigger guy, though he had been losing a little weight recently. He certainly wasn’t unattractive, though – quite the opposite. Damn it! I nearly smacked myself. I wasn’t going to think about that. I determinedly turned away then, standing and leaving the pool to get another beer. Alcohol wasn’t going to help my inhibitions, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. As I sipped my beer I continued to watch the guys. Brad and Wayne had now teamed up against Drew and Greg. Suddenly Drew called a halt and the four began yelling at Ryan and Colin, both sides trying to get the two men to join their team. It took a little bit to get their attention; Colin had Ryan had stopped fighting some time ago and were off in the corner of a pool, playfully splashing each other as they talked in hushed tones. They staunchly refused to join back in and actually got out of the pool when the others persisted. Drew and Greg followed them along the perimeter, splashing and teasing, but Ryan and Colin just danced out of way. Ryan threw a few choice words and a rude gesture their way before they made it to the table where I was seated. Those still in the pool quickly forgot our presence and the war continued in earnest. Ryan sat next to me, grabbing a beer for both himself and Colin. They were picking up the conversation that had been interrupted in the pool, something about camping in southern Canada. I had no interest and wasn’t invited to join in, so I turned my attention back to Wayne and Drew. I refused to let myself think about what I was doing, or think at all, really. I just observed, watching the way the water glinted off Wayne’s chest, enjoying the sound of Drew’s laughter without considering just why I was doing it. “How do you deal with wanting someone’s who’s already taken?” I hadn’t meant to ask that. The words had slipped out before I had a chance to stop them. Dead silence descended over the table, and I glanced up to see Ryan and Colin staring at me. Ryan looked highly suspicious. I imagined he was wondering if I was asking about he and Colin or about Wayne. I’m not sure I was talking about any of them. It was Colin, however, who answered. “It’s difficult,” he said earnestly. Ryan spun on him, but Colin was dutifully ignoring him to meet my eyes. “Did you know Deb was married when I met her? I didn’t think I stood a chance, so I didn’t even try. Well, we did flirt,” he amended, “but everyone flirted with everyone else on stage. It’s part of the game. It was hard to tell the difference between acting and reality.” He glanced ever so briefly to Ryan then before looking back to me. “Even if the flirting continued off stage. But Deb....” Colin trailed off, smiling, lost in a memory. “She’s not exactly subtle... and she gets what she wants.” “But how do you deal with it?” I persisted. “A lot of guilt.” Colin sighed, his smile faltering. “And a lot of justifying that guilt with the knowledge that you’re in love... that you never really had a choice.” He was stills faithfully not looking at Ryan, but he grazed his fingers over the back of Ryan’s hand. I wondered if we were still talking about his wife. “But it doesn’t make it right,” Ryan countered. He wasn’t looking at either Colin or me, but instead staring out across the lawn. I followed his gaze and found myself looking at the brightly colored playground set up for Ryan’s kids, muted, but clearly visible now that our eyes had adjusted to the dim light. “That’s true.” Colin was looking at the play set as well now. “And it’s hard knowing that someone is going to get hurt.” He pulled his hand back, but suddenly Ryan darted out to wrap his fingers around Colin’s, holding on tightly. “Love is stupid,” he said bluntly. He had turned to face Colin, attempting to communicate something without words. “Someone always gets hurt. You can’t help it, so don’t beat yourself up over it.” I had the distinct impression that the only person Ryan was trying to convince was himself. “Just....” Ryan paused. He swallowed, his adams apple bobbing up and down, and turned back to me. “If you hurt Drew I’ll kill you.” I think I actually flinched. His words had been calm, but resolute and absolutely serious. It took me a moment to find my voice before I answered honestly, “I wasn’t planning on it.” “Good.” He nodded, just once, and gave Colin’s hand a final squeeze before dropping it. “Ready to go inside?” We all looked up, startled. Ryan had been lifting his beer, but nearly dropped in at the sound of Drew’s voice. After the seriousness of our conversation his jovial tone seemed very out of place. Drew, Brad, Greg and Wayne were all leaving the pool, heading for the pile of towels placed on a deck chair. The tension in the air dissipated quickly. As I’ve said before, Drew’s moods were infectious and this time was no exception. Drew continued to ramble as we all toweled off and made our way inside. He was instructing us to get dressed in what we’d be wearing for bed, saying that we wouldn’t be going out for the rest of the night. He also implied that the fun was just beginning and that the more we had to drink, the easier the night would be. His little speech left me worried but nonetheless quite excited. It was hard not to be when surrounded by my friends all laughing and playing. Colin and Drew ran off to change while the rest of us dressed in the living room. The attire for the evening consisted mostly of t-shirts and boxers with the occasional pair of flannel pants. Drew returned and he and Ryan went to the kitchen for snacks and more beer. Drew made sure we were all settled and each had a drink before the games commenced. Colin, Ryan and I were seated on the couch, Wayne and Greg in armchairs and Drew and Brad on the carpet, all in a rough circle. “We’re going to play a game.” Drew told us. There was a nod of general acceptance. I imagined he had something childish in mind like Spin the Bottle, but even if we were a group of grown men, those types of games never really lost their appeal. I, for one, was quite looking forward to finding out everyone’s dirty little secrets. “I was thinking,” Drew continued, “about ‘Truth or Dare’ or ‘I Never.’” “Never Have I Ever,” Ryan corrected him. Drew stuck out his tongue. “If I’m playing, it’s ‘I Never,’ so there.” He looked around the circle. “What do you guys think?” “Truth or Dare,” Greg declared. “We’re already drinking, so we might as well play the riskier one.” “Or we could play a game that wasn’t made for teenaged girls,” Ryan offered with a smirk, but despite his protest, it was obvious that he was looking forward to playing. “Need I remind you that you don’t count?” Drew countered. Ryan flipped him off, still smirking. “Brad!” Drew cried, pointing to him. “What do you want to play?” Brad smiled. “Truth or Dare sounds fun.” “Good. Wayne.” Wayne just shrugged. Out of all of us he appeared the most reluctant. “Either is fine.” “Truth or Dare it is,” Drew laughed. “Chip?” I thought for a moment. “I agree with Greg: the riskier the better.” “And Colin?” Colin blinked, smiling shyly. “Truth or Dare is fine.” “Then it’s decided. Everyone finish up your beers and get another one and then we’ll start.” We all obliged without protest. By now we were used to taking orders from Drew because of Whose Line. No one even considered contradicting him. Once new beers were passed around, Drew settled back, leaning against the side of Wayne’s chair and watching us, sipping from his bottle thoughtfully. His gaze drifted lazily around the room, pausing at each man briefly before moving on. “Ryan...” he said at last, training his gaze on him. “Truth or dare?” “Dare,” Ryan replied immediately. “Dare...” Drew repeated. “Hm... okay.... I dare you to... make up a hoedown right now about....” “Weak,” Greg snorted, drowning out Ryan’s groan. Drew frowned, but before he could reply, Brad jumped in to back up Greg. “That’s no fun.” “We’re still in the warming up phase,” Drew pointed out. “The big guns will come out once we’ve had a little more to drink. Besides,” he continued, turning back to Ryan, “we have to build up to the risque part or it’s not as fun.” There were no more protests, and Drew grinned smugly. “Right. Make up a hoedown about Wayne.” As unexciting as the suggestion was, we all turned to Ryan expectantly, finding amusement in the fact that he seemed so absolutely stumped. He’d done hoedowns about his friends in the past, but had always resorted to well played jokes. Wayne, however, had no aspects that were easily made fun of, and Ryan didn’t know him well enough to draw on past experience. He furrowed his brows, closing his eyes to block us out as he thought. After a couple minutes his eyes slid open and he stared at the ground, rubbing his temples as he began to sing. “Wayne is more talented than any guy I know. When it comes to song or dance he really puts on a show. Now he’s not my type so don’t get me wrong, But I have to admit he looks good in a thong.” As he finished the last line, Ryan looked up at us, smiling. Quite a few of us had broken out into applause, and everyone was laughing. I glanced over to Wayne to see him blushing appreciatively. Drew in particular looked quite pleased with himself, and with good reason. Despite the initial reaction to the dare, I thought it was perfect: a great icebreaker. It was simple, fun and had everyone relaxed. Fueled by how well his dare had gone, Ryan clapped his hands, rubbing his palms together in imitation of a comic villain as he looked around the circle. It was his turn now. “Greg,” he decided at last. “Truth or dare?” “Truth,” Greg said, straightening his back and meeting Ryan’s eyes. “Bring it on.” It was obvious Ryan was expecting a dare. He frowned, eyes narrowing as he thought. “Have...” he started but trailed off as if second guessing himself. He remained quiet another moment and then shook his head, deciding to ask anyway. “Have you ever been in love?” “Of course,” Greg replied immediately. He was smiling, gaze still locked with Ryan’s, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. “With who?” Ryan asked. “That’s a separate question,” Brad argued, but Greg ignored him. He continued to stare at Ryan, that strange smile playing about his lips. “You.” The silence that followed was so absolute it was almost funny, but no one was laughing. I met Brad’s eyes across the room. Out of everyone we seemed to be the only ones not surprised by this news. Both Wayne and Ryan looked shocked, Colin exceedingly uncomfortable, Drew skeptical. “You’re kidding,” Drew said. “No,” Greg replied matter-of-factly. He shrugged and took another sip of his beer. “It was a long time ago. I don’t feel that way anymore.” That last statement worked to drain at least some of the tension from the room, but still the mood had lowered considerably. “Brad, truth or dare?” Greg asked, knowing he had to move on now or risk ruining the evening. “Dare,” Brad replied. “Ah...” Greg looked around the room. He leaned forward to snatch an empty beer can off the table and offered it to Brad. “Crush this against your forehead.” Brad took up the challenge with gusto. It was good thinking on both their parts. The dare (and Brad’s subsequent pain) had us all laughing again in the space of a heart beat, and soon we had nearly forgotten the awkwardness from just a moment ago. The game moved quickly from there. For a while everyone chose dare, not wanting to chance the game getting too personal. In fact, we went a full two rounds before it came up again. It was my turn to ask, having just drank beer from Colin’s mouth – gross, but nevertheless quite amusing. It was Ryan’s idea, and I was hoping to get back at him. There was an unspoken rule that you couldn’t ask the person who just asked you, however, because you ran the risk of going back and forth between two people and excluding the rest of the group. Daring Ryan was out of the question, so I decided to dare someone else and just find a way to include him. “Drew,” I smiled, already formulating an idea. “Truth or dare?” Drew smiled right back at me. “Truth.” Damn. I had no idea what I was going to ask. I racked my brain, trying to come up with something that would be interesting without delving into the realm of uncomfortable. I decided to go with something about getting drunk. It was one of those stock subjects that usually had a very boring, and therefore safe, answer. “What was the stupidest thing you ever did while drunk?” ... was what I meant to ask. My subconscious must have been working overtime, because what I actually asked was, “Wanna have a threesome?” Drew’s eyes widened comically. I could hear Greg chortling somewhere to my right. “With you?” Drew asked, staring at me in shock. Though the words hadn’t been spoken, I was sure they were implied by my tone of voice. After all, that was exactly what I had been asking. I’m positive I was turning an alarming shade of red; I could feel a slow burn creeping up my cheeks. “Maybe I should rephrase that,” I offered. “I think you’d better,” Ryan laughed. I considered asking if he’d want a threesome in general, but that wouldn’t get me anywhere. All guys wanted to be in a threesome. Now that I’d asked the question I had to find out if, yes, Drew wanted to do it with me. I just had to be subtle about it. “Who...” I started slowly, still considering my phrasing, “among this group would you consider having a threesome with? Oh, and Wayne doesn’t count.” “Why don’t I count?” Wayne asked, using the same falsely insulted tone he affected when asking something like “Why I gotta do the African chant?” Greg snorted. “Because we’re not stupid.” “I think it’s implied that you’re already a part,” Colin offered, quietly, though obviously amused. I was afraid that this question might go the way of “Have you ever been in love?” and make everyone tense and quiet, but either Drew and Wayne were comfortable enough in their affair that they didn’t mind it being public knowledge or we’d all had enough to drink that they no longer cared because everyone was smiling, relaxed, and while there was a tension in the air, it was only because we were all so curious about Drew’s response. Drew looked around, considering everyone. He stopped on Ryan for a bit, but shook his head and moved on. In the end he smiled and said, “Colin is a good kisser....” “Damn straight,” Ryan chuckled, lifting his beer in a mock toast. “But...” and now Drew’s smile grew wider. “I think I’ll have to go with you, Chip.” “Really?” I honestly couldn’t believe it. “Why?” “Nope!” Drew laughed, his eyes glinting playfully. “That’s a different question and I don’t have to answer. Wayne,” he said, still smiling at me, “truth or dare?” “Dare,” Wayne replied. “Great,” Drew laughed. “Let’s put Colin’s kissing skills to the test. I want you to make out with him. With tongue. This will be no stage kiss.” Wayne laughed, shaking his head. “Why not?” As one the group turned to look at Colin. He wore the slightest smile and was blushing adorably. Ryan elbowed him playfully. “Go on. Make me jealous.” Colin shot him a reproachful look, but the next moment he was smiling brightly, warming up to the challenge. I merely sat in shock by what was, for all intents and purposes, an open admission of his relationship from Ryan. Perhaps it was just the alcohol that had him so relaxed, but I didn’t think so. I think he was just about ready to deal with it. The thought had me smiling as I watched Wayne cross the room seductively to Colin. If Ryan could find the strength to be open about this affair to his friends, it would make his life so much easier. It was also touching that he seemed to trust us all with the information; it spoke volumes about our friendships. Wayne squished himself onto the couch between Colin and the armrest, but then threw both legs over Colin’s lap and slung his arms around Colin’s neck. Colin was blushing again. Wayne raised his eyebrows. “Well?” Colin put his hands on Wayne’s shoulders, but seemed far too embarrassed to go any further. Noting his reluctance, Wayne leaned forward and kissed him. It started out innocently enough, just lips pressed against lips. Colin seemed to be having a hard time keeping a straight face. “I don’t see any tongue....” Brad called out in a sing-song voice. Wayne and Colin looked at each other, still kissing, obviously trying to communicate with each other. It was Wayne who first slid his eyes shut and opened his mouth. Colin followed soon afterward, and then they were really making out. Greg started laughing again and Brad let out a catcall. I even started to chuckle myself; Colin and Wayne made for a very odd looking couple. I flicked my gaze over to Ryan to see him laughing as well. Apparently he was secure enough in his relationship that he didn’t take the dare as anything more than the joke it was meant to be. I turned my attention to Drew and was more than a little shocked to find he was the only one not laughing. He wasn’t even smiling, just watching Wayne and Colin thoughtfully, and I found myself wondering just what his motives were. Drew must have felt my eyes on him because he suddenly looked to me, that same thoughtful expression still on his face. I offered him a smile, but he didn’t return it. Colin and Wayne broke apart after another few seconds to a smattering of applause and yet more catcalls. Colin was blushing again. Ryan swept him into a tight backwards hug, and chuckling, lay a kiss on his cheek. No one paid the action any mind, but I think Ryan was a little startled by his unthinking open display of affection. He blinked owlishly for a moment and then smiled, realizing that no one cared, before giving Colin a final squeeze and letting him go. That dare seemed to be our cue to finally move on to something more risque. The fear of choosing truth had abated, but we still tended to stick to dares. Now that we were all a bit buzzed I think we just wanted to see how far we would go. Once Wayne was back in his seat he asked Brad, who chose dare. Brad did his dare with relative ease (finishing off everyone’s beers) before daring Greg to exchange boxers with Colin. We all expressed our disgust over that suggestion, but with a shrug and a grin Greg did it anyway, tugging down his shorts with a flourish and handing them over to Colin. Colin was a little more reluctant. If I thought he was blushing before, it was nothing compared to the deep shade of red he was now displaying. Ryan leaned over to whisper something in his ear, and with a very deep sigh, Colin gave in. It was now Greg’s turn to ask. He chose Colin, who in turn chose truth. He was then instructed to tell us all - in detail - about his first sexual experience with another man. No names were mentioned, but from the situation he described and Ryan’s subsequent blush, it became quite clear just who it had been with. When he was finished, Colin directed his next question to Brad. It was obvious he was seeking revenge for the boxer thing, and both Drew and Brad protested, saying that Brad has just had a turn moments ago. Ryan and Greg jumped to Colin’s defense, and in the end it was allowed. Brad chose dare, and with the most evil smile I’d ever seen on the man, Colin ordered him to lick beer from Drew’s toes. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything more amusing in my life. Brad crawled back to his seat on the rug when he was done looking very much like he wanted to vomit. By this point he’d had quite a bit more to drink than anyone else. He was swaying where he sat. “Maybe we should stop now,” Wayne offered. He was looking at Brad, obviously concerned, but Drew, Ryan and Greg all protested that the night was still young. “But Brad....” Wayne trailed off, gesturing vaguely in his direction. “Brad,” Brad said sloppily, “is fine. Or will be once I get the taste of toes out of my mouth.” “Maybe you should stick to water for the rest of the night,” I said. Brad didn’t like that idea in the slightest, but both Wayne and I insisted, and soon he relented. Ryan got up to get him a glass from the kitchen. By the time he had returned, Brad was more than ready to continue the game. “Chip,” Brad slurred, my name coming out more like Sshhhiiiip,” and took the proffered glass of water with a frown. “Truth or dare?” Brad was very not happy with me now, so choosing truth was out of the question. Dare probably wouldn’t leave me any better off, but at least I wouldn’t end up spilling any secrets. It took me a full minute before I answered. “Dare, I guess.” “Good.” Brad grinned, and I nearly kicked myself; he had something planned, and from the look on his face it was going to be bad. “You want a threesome? You got it. I want to see a three way kiss between you, Drew and Wayne.” Shit. My eyes shot to the other two. They were both staring at me speculatively, possibly wondering if I was going to try and back out of it, but I had no intentions of doing so. I never even considered it. I don’t think any of us ever considered not doing our dares. It was one of those things that came from doing improv: you were never allowed to say no. I shrugged as I got up to cross the room where Drew sat on the floor by the foot of Wayne’s chair. I was going for nonchalance, and though I think I pulled it off, I couldn’t seem to make myself smile. Drew and Wayne both stood as I approached them. Wayne seemed rather tense, his body straight and unnaturally still. Drew was just barely more relaxed. We all stood in a vague little triangle, just looking at each other. Suddenly Drew smiled. “You know,” he said, starting to chuckle, “I’ve heard of people doing three way kisses, but how the Hell do you do it?” Wayne and I looked to each other, and it was obvious that neither of us had any idea. Soon we were all laughing, not just Drew, Wayne and I, but everyone. “Well, Brad?” I prompted. “How are we supposed to do this?” Brad shrugged, smirking. “Improvise.” “Oh, ha ha.” Drew stuck out his tongue at Brad. Our little trio turned back to face each other, and as we all considered the mechanics of what we were supposed to be doing, the mood once again grew serious. Everything I thought of just left me with images of bumped noses that didn’t feel even vaguely erotic. I was just considering backing out when Colin saved me by saying, “Can he just kiss one and then the other?” Brad frowned. “Please?” I asked. I was a little ashamed that it sounded more like a plea. “Oh, fine.” Brad shrugged. “Just get on with it.” I turned back to Drew and Wayne feeling ultimately more confident. Now the only question was who to kiss first. I decided on Wayne. I’d kissed him before, so he’d be the better choice to ease me into this dare. I slid my hands up Wayne’s arms, using the slightest pressure to invite him closer. I could feel Drew’s eyes on us, but I didn’t dare look to him for fear of losing my nerve. Instead I closed my eyes and pressed my lips against Wayne’s. He tasted just like I remembered, right down to the overwhelming bitterness of alcohol. I breathed him in, remembering a night that seemed a lifetime ago. He still held that earthy scent that was uniquely his, but it was half hidden by chlorine and a cologne I didn’t recognize. His hands were firm and confident as he slid them around to grasp the material that covered my back. For a moment I forgot where we were. I forgot everything but Wayne, his scent, taste, the feel of his tongue in my mouth, his fingers wrapped up in my t-shirt. Someone cleared his throat, and though it sounded far away, it was enough to bring me back. Ever so gently I pulled away from Wayne. He had closed his eyes as well, but they opened now to reveal dark irises. He stared into my eyes, his own filled with a very familiar lust. “Should we continue or do you two want a room?” It was Drew who had spoken, and though he was smiling, he sounded anything but amused. “Oh, you’ll get your turn,” I leered to Drew. I think it was a combination of alcohol and kissing Wayne, but I was feeling very cocky. I was suddenly, irrationally mad at Wayne for being callous enough to cheat on Drew, to hurt him, even though it was just as much my fault. Maybe that was why I was just then so looking forward to making it up to him. I turned away from Wayne, practically forgetting his existence right then and there, and stalked the two steps that would have me toe to toe with Drew. Perhaps there was something in my eyes that startled him, because just as I reached Drew he took a step back. I had no choice but to continue advancing, but with each step forward, Drew took one step back. He ended up bumping into the plate glass door. I reached out to lay a hand on the glass to either side of him, trapping him. A distant part of my mind could hear the other guys laughing at the sight we made, but I ignored them. I was far too caught up in this moment. It all seemed pivotal somehow. Drew and I were the two most reluctant to kiss another man on stage. I thought it incredibly poignant that we were now forced to kiss each other. “Ready?” I whispered, smiling into Drew’s wide eyes. He didn’t answer, just licked his lips and continued to stare. I leaned in closer, and now our lips were less than an inch apart. I was assaulted yet again by the scent of chorine as well as that mysterious cologne I’d smelled on Wayne. I wasn’t surprised; in fact, I was actually a little turned on by the thought that Drew and Wayne had obviously been up to something before the party, and now here I was jumping into the mix. Drew’s breathing was picking up now. His chest brushed mine with each inhale. I lifted one hand from the door to trace the line of his jaw, brushing my fingers over his skin, down his neck to toy with the collar of his t-shirt. Drew shuddered under my hand; I could feel his breath catch in his throat. I was pretty much flush against him now, and we were so close that we were breathing the same air. I kissed him. As soon as our lips touched, his hands fluttered up to grasp my shoulders, but they didn’t stay there. They traveled up to caress my cheeks before dipping down to splay against my chest, traveling lower to settle on my hips. The kiss deepened of its own accord. I found myself tasting him, my tongue sliding over his lips, darting in and out of his mouth. I sucked his lower lip before nibbling it playfully. I felt Drew’s lips curve into a smile, and then he was returning the attack, grazing his tongue over my teeth, battling with my own. I think we both forgot we had an audience; I know I did. Kissing Drew wasn’t anything like kissing Wayne. The mechanics were all the same, but there was something fundamentally different about it all. Where Wayne was confident and sensual, Drew was shy and playful, though with a little coaxing he was kissing me back with vigor. I pulled away when I could no longer catch my breath. It pleased me to see that Drew was no better off. His cheeks were flushed, breathing in rapid pants. We stood for a moment, smiling at each other. “Drew? Chip? Helloooo?” Reality came crashing back, and we both turned to see the other five guys staring at us in amusement. I had no idea how long they’d been calling us, but from the looks on their faces it had been quite some time. We returned to out seats. I couldn’t help the blush that crept up my cheeks; I had been far too into that. I think that much was obvious, but Greg felt the need to point it out. “Enjoy yourself?” he asked, not bothering to try and hide his laughter. Colin jumped to my defense. “Drew is a good kisser,” he said, mirroring Drew’s earlier phrasing, and I smiled, once again grateful for his existence. “Something I never hope to find out,” Ryan remarked. “No offense, Drew.” “Oh, believe me, none taken.” Drew’s cheeks were still flushed, but he sounded normal enough. The game continued for a short time, but I had a hard time paying attention. I was too lost in my own thoughts. I was certainly still feeling Wayne, but at the same time I knew I wouldn’t mind kissing Drew again. My feelings about Wayne didn’t phase me; I knew it was mostly lust and would pass in time. Drew was another story. I had no idea what I wanted from him, just that lust had very little to do with it. I mean, yeah, I found him attractive, but he’s not really the type of guy one lusts after. I knew that if I ever did start something with Drew that it would be much more than a one night stand, and that thought really unsettled me. Once the game ended, most of us were ready for bed. The next day was Friday, and many of us had to do a taping. Tomorrow’s fourth seater was Kathy, followed by Brad on Saturday and then me. Sleeping arrangements were made with Ryan and Colin in the master bedroom and Greg and Brad in the guest room. Ryan had a pull out couch in the den that two more of us could use, but that left one of us in Mackenzie’s room. I wasn’t about to split up Drew and Wayne, so I volunteered. I fell asleep that night staring at her collection of stuffed animals. In the darkness they looked foreboding. I imagined that they came alive at night when everyone else was asleep. I ended up dreaming about it. I dreamt that as I was sleeping, the bears and monkeys and dinosaurs jumped off their shelves to play cards at the foot of my bed. They were playing strip poker and were pulling out bits of their fur after each round. Needless to say, it was a little disturbing. About halfway through the game a shining plush panther left the group to crawl into bed beside me. “Chip,” he whispered, baring sharp teeth, hot breath washing over my face. “Wake up.” I started awake to find myself staring into deep brown eyes. It was dark, the only light the moon shining through the window. Wayne was smiling at me; he looked amused, and I didn’t blame him. I must have made quite the sight curled up beneath Mackenzie’s pink lacy duvet. “Wayne?” I asked, blinking the sleep from my eyes. “What are you doing here? What time is it?” “It’s around three,” Wayne replied. He worked his way onto the small bed. I scooted back to allow him room. “As to what I’m doing here...” he practically purred. One hand slid across the covers and dipped beneath, finding the collar of my t-shirt. A certain part of me was certainly responding to his insinuation, but I forced myself to do the thinking with my head. “We really shouldn’t.” Despite my efforts, that came out far less assured than I’d hoped. “Why?” Wayne was still toying with my t-shirt, running his fingers along the collar, and then leaving it to trace his fingers up and down the column of my neck. I knew what little resolve I was clinging to would soon dissolve if he didn’t stop, but I didn’t have the will to stop him. “Drew,” I replied simply. “Not to mention the fact that we’re in a little girl’s bed. Ryan would kill us.” “We don’t have to stay here,” Wayne protested. He was shuffling so that our bodies were pressed together, his front in full contact with my side. “There’s always the pool....” That did it. I was officially thinking with my dick. “That’s true.” I smiled at Wayne, and he returned the grin, teeth flashing in the dull light. I leaned in for a kiss, and Wayne complied. Our hands were everywhere, sliding around backs and stomachs, fluttering teasingly over collarbones, clutching desperately at material that suddenly seemed so unnecessary. I could feel Wayne growing hard, pressed against my thigh. I wasn’t sure if we were going to make it to the pool after all. Just then I pulled back to catch my breath and froze. In breathing in I caught just the faintest hint of Drew’s cologne, and it brought me back to my senses. Wayne had bent his head down to trail hot kisses down my neck, but I pushed him away, saying, “Wait. Stop.” “What’s wrong?” Wayne mumbled into my shoulder. I wanted to take my conscious and shove it deep into the closet. He felt so good, still rubbing small circles over my stomach, breath warm on my skin, but I couldn’t. Guilt overrode passion, and I sighed heavily. “We can’t do this to Drew.” The last time I had tried to dissuade him in this manner, Wayne had been too angry to care, but now it was different. He and Drew weren’t fighting. There was no excuse. Wayne was staring at me, and I felt I could read his mind. After all, he must have been going through the same thing I was: cock versus heart. Eyes still locked with mine he replied, “Drew and I never said we were exclusive.” I wanted to take that explanation and run with it, but my damned conscious wouldn’t let me. “Was Drew there for that conversation or did you decide that on your own?” Wayne frowned. “What?” I sighed and turned away, staring out the window at the crescent moon that hung low in the sky. “Let me put it this way: how would you feel if Drew had sex with someone else?” Wayne was quiet for a moment. I looked back at him to see that he had his eyes closed, still frowning. “I see your point.” “I like Drew,” I continued, “and it kills me that I hurt him once. I don’t want to do it again.” Wayne’s eyes shot open. “Neither do I!” he protested. A small, sexy smile flitted over his lips. “It’s just that I’ve been curious about you for so long that I don’t think one night is enough.” I laughed. “You don’t know how much I wish I could take you up on that... I just can’t.” “No, it’s all right.” Wayne continued to smile at me, and then sighed and rolled onto his back. We were both quiet for some time, staring at the ceiling, each just thinking. It was a tense kind of quiet. I could tell there was something Wayne wanted to say; I was just waiting for him to find the words. “The thing about Drew and I,” he said at last, “is that it’s not permanent. We’ve talked about it. I love him. I do. I really, really do, but I’m married. And that has to come first.” He started to laugh then, low and bitter. “I’m showing real loyalty to her now, aren’t I?” I shrugged. I don’t know if he expected an answer, but I couldn’t think of anything to say. “I shouldn’t have let myself get into this thing with Drew, but it was one of those things you just don’t have control over. All I can do is try not to get too attached.” “And that’s where I come in, “ I put in with a sudden burst of clarity. “You’re trying to distance yourself.” Wayne nodded. “I should break it off. I’ve been thinking about it, but I haven’t been able to. I haven’t even come close. Part of it is that I don’t want to hurt him, but more than that I really just don’t want to go through with it. I don’t want to leave him. I like what I have with Drew. I’m not ready to give it up just yet, but....” he trailed off and didn’t continue. For a few moments the only sound was the chirping of crickets in the distance. I felt myself dozing. After all, it had only been a few hours since we’d gone to bed. I shook myself awake. Wayne still wasn’t talking so I prompted him. “But?” “Well...” Wayne shifted to look at me. “I get the feeling that you like him.” “Of course I do.” “No, I mean you like him,” he said, emphasizing the word like a kid in middle school would. Oh. I wasn’t sure how to answer that and said as much. “I don’t know. I’m not sure myself.” “It’s just...” Wayne bit his lip. His eyes were gleaming; I could see a plan formulating “If you do... if you and he hooked up, it’d be perfect.” I had to laugh at that. “Perfect?” “Yeah.” Wayne sat up. He was getting excited now. “It would solve everything. I could break up with him, and he wouldn’t be so hurt. And if you and he were together, I’d be much less inclined to cheat on Mandie. What do you think?” “I think Drew is in love with you, not me.” “I’m not so sure about that.” Wayne was smiling at me in a way that said “I know something you don’t.” “What do you mean?” Wayne opened his mouth, but whatever he knew I never found out, because just then the door opened. Chapter 6 Drew stood in the doorway illuminated by the moon. A range of emotions flashed across his face in the matter of a few seconds: shock to anger to sadness to something I couldn’t quite identify, all ending up with him looking rather resigned. “I thought I’d find you here.” Wayne and I were staring at him, immobile. We couldn’t seem to make ourselves do or say anything. With a deep sigh, Drew turned to go. “Wait ” Wayne called out, leaping off the bed. “It’s not what you think.” It was cliched, true, but cliches are cliches for a reason. Drew spun around to face him, and I could see the anger back in his eyes. “So you didn’t come here to fuck Chip?” “No– well, okay... it’s exactly what you think.” Wayne was facing away from me, but I could hear the smile in his voice as he attempted the rather lame joke. “But nothing happened,” he hurried on, “and nothing was going to.” “Yeah right,” Drew huffed and took off down the hall. Wayne started after him immediately. He disappeared from view, but was back a second later, poking his head through the door to tell me, “We’ll talk about this later.” I nodded. “Yeah. Fine. Just go ” More than anything, at that moment I just wanted Drew to be okay. I needed to know we weren’t going to hurt him again. I was upstairs, and Drew and Wayne had been sleeping on the first floor, so after Wayne pounded down the stairs, I couldn’t hear any more of the conversation. I did hear the front door open and close a few times and wondered what that meant, but despite my curiosity I found myself dozing again. Before I knew it, I was asleep. I had no more dreams that night. I awoke with the late morning sun in my eyes and blinked drowsily up at the ceiling, noting with some amusement the stickers of unicorns and rainbows that dotted the ceiling. It was a few minutes before the extent of last night’s happenings came rushing back: Wayne, our talk, and then Drew bursting in. I sat up immediately. I had to find out what had happened. A note on the bedside table caught my eye as I sprang out of bed. It was in Ryan’s handwriting and addressed to me. It said that he, Colin, Drew and Wayne had already left for the studio, and that I should make myself at home. There was food in the fridge, and I was welcome to it and to stay as long as I liked. That answered one question at least: Drew had stayed the night. With so many comings and goings I hadn’t known what to think, but apparently Wayne had convinced him to stay. This put me quite at ease. Now that I was more relaxed, I took my time leaving the bedroom. In the light of day, the collection of stuffed animals seemed far less foreboding. I remembered my insane little dream, feeling foolish. I dressed slowly, and just as I was finishing up, someone called my name. I slung my overnight back over my shoulder and made my way to the stairs. Brad was waiting at the bottom. “You finally up?” The buttery scent of pancakes was wafting up the stairs. I smiled at Brad and nodded. “Good. We made breakfast. Come join us.” “Breakfast?” I heard Greg call from the kitchen. “More like lunch. It’s almost noon.” “The first meal of the day is always breakfast, “ Brad countered as I followed him into the kitchen. Greg was seated at the island, knife and fork already in hand. A second and third plate were set out as well, so Brad and I each took up a stool and dug in. I found I was far hungrier than I had imagined. I hadn’t had much to eat at the party, so my last meal had been nearly 24 hours prior. Even if that was the reason, the pancakes were still damn good. “Anyone have any plans for the day?” Brad suddenly asked around a mouthful of dough and syrup. Greg shrugged. He pushed the remains of his breakfast around his plate, obviously full. “I was thinking about doing some shopping.” Brad frowned. “That’s boring. We should go bowling or something.” “I’m up for anything... as long as it involves avoiding Drew and Wayne,” I put in. That got a reaction. I knew it would. That’s what I was going for after all. I was aching to discuss last night’s revelations, and since Brad and Greg had already played confidante to my problems at the beginning, they seemed like a perfect choice now. Greg lifted an eyebrow. “Oh? I take it something happened after lights out?” I nodded. I had finished my pancakes and was eyeing Greg’s leftovers greedily. He passed them over and I accepted them while considering where to begin. “Wayne came to see me last night,” I said eventually, “to, well... you know. But we didn’t. Actually, we got to talking and he wants me to hook up with Drew.” “Well, that’s...” Brad frowned. “That’s weird.” “Mm.” Greg nodded slowly. He was watching me with narrowed eyes. “Why would he want that?” I didn’t fault the guys for their confusion. If I hadn’t been so wrapped up in the situation myself, I wouldn’t have understood it either. “What it comes down to,” I said slowly, trying to recall the conversation, “is that he wants to break it off with Drew but doesn’t want Drew to get hurt.” “So he wants to pawn him off on you?” Brad asked incredulously. “It’s not like that,” I protested. “I think I might, ah, kind of like Drew... like that. And for some reason Wayne thinks Drew might feel the same way, but I don’t see it.” Greg smirked. “The plot thickens. Interesting.” He leaned forward, chin propped up in one palm. “So why are you telling us?” “Because....” Why was I telling them? “Because I don’t know if we should go through with it. And if we do, then how? It all seems so devious.” “The best plans usually are,” Greg replied, still smiling. He straightened then, suddenly becoming business-like. “So, do you like Drew?” “I don’t know ” I pushed my plate away, exasperated and suddenly no longer hungry. “We have fun together... and I liked kissing him... I... is that enough?” “Well you’re not going to know until you give it a try,” Brad pointed out. “But what if it doesn’t work out?” Greg sighed, watching me curiously. “That’s the hard part. The real question is: is it worth the risk?” That was what it came down to, and I had no idea how to answer. After all, this thing with Drew could be a passing fancy. Not to mention the fact that I was pretty much on the rebound, and if I did hook up with Drew, he would be, too. It wasn’t the best of circumstances to begin a relationship. “I have no idea.” Greg nodded. “Think about it. If you decided you want to go for it, we’ll back you up.” “Actually,” Brad said, “I’m leaving on Monday, so I won’t be of much help. But,” he smiled, “if there’s anything I can do while I’m here, I’d be happy to help.” “Right.” Greg jumped to his feet. “Enough of this. Let’s go bowling.” So we did. The three of us left Ryan’s house soon after breakfast, making sure to clean up before we did. We spent the rest of the day just hanging out and having fun. After bowling we returned to Greg’s room at the hotel to watch an absolutely horrid comedy, and while I definitely enjoyed myself, I often found myself thinking that I’d rather be with Drew – not that I didn’t like hanging with Brad and Greg. I think I just missed him. I missed the sound of his laughter and the way a whole room lit up when he smiled. That’s it,” I cried suddenly, startling Brad and Greg. “What’s it?” Brad asked. He looked from me to the television and back again. “Not the movie. I’ve made a decision. I want to go through with it. I want to seduce Drew.” Greg smirked at me. “You got it. Have a plan?” “No... but I’ll think of something. Tomorrow night after the taping I’ll talk to Wayne and we’ll work it out together.” When the next morning dawned, I was feeling absolutely fantastic. Everything seemed to be falling into place, and besides, I got to go play with my friends today. I caught a cab to the studio, but the passing scenery barely registered. I was deep in thought throughout the ride as well as makeup and wardrobe, running on autopilot. I was the first to arrive in the green room, but I was far too hyped up to just sit still and wait. I paced the room from end to end, still thinking. I wanted to try a relationship with Drew; that much I knew. A large part of me figured the best way to go about it was to just ask him out. It was straightforward, and if he rejected me, he rejected me and we could all go on with our lives as if nothing had happened. As nice as that scenario was, it had one major flaw: Wayne. If Drew was still with Wayne, he’d reject me solely on the basis that he wouldn’t want to cheat. To solve that problem, Wayne should just break up with Drew, but Wayne wasn’t about to do that if he thought it would hurt Drew, and besides, Drew would really be rebounding then. He might still reject me, and if he didn’t, he’s still be thinking about Wayne. No, the only plausible option was to get him interested in me while he was still with Wayne. It was the only way I could be sure of his feelings. According to Wayne, Drew already liked me, so I just had to get him to act on it. Unfortunately, I had no idea how to do that. Just then the green room door swung open. I paused in my pacing and broke into a huge grin. “Hey, Drew.” Drew smiled in return. “Chip. Have you seen Wayne?” “No, not yet.” Drew was nodding slowly. He was looking straight at me, but something in his gaze told me he was a million miles away. “So... did Wayne... did you two work everything out?” I asked. Drew didn’t appear to hear me, however. He was staring a point on my right shoulder and worrying his lower lip. “Drew?” When he still didn’t answer, I moved toward him, laying a hand on his shoulder. He gave a start, his eyes finally clearing. “Hey is everything okay?” “What? Oh yeah. I’m fine. Just can’t find Wayne.” “Then everything’s cool, right? You know we didn’t do anything the other night?” “I know,” Drew replied, but I got the feeling he was drifting again. Despite his protests, he seemed awfully distracted. I felt the urge to make him laugh, make him smile, but nothing was coming to me. I had the distinct impression that any joke would fall on deaf ears anyway. Perhaps it was better to help him work through whatever had him so bothered. “Seriously, Drew, if something’s bothering you, you can tell me. I’m your friend. It’s what I’m here for.” Drew looked at me – really looked at me, as though seeing me for the first time since entering the room. “I’m sorry.” He offered me a small smile. “There’s really nothing wrong. It’s just... Wayne and I were in my office and he got a call from his wife. He left to talk to her, and I haven’t seen him since. I’m sure I’m just overreacting, but I’m still worried. It’s nothing, I’m sure.” “If something was wrong, you’d be the first person Wayne would tell,” I assured him. Drew smiled, and it warmed me to think that I was making him feel better. “Hey, do you want to do something this week?” I asked on impulse, “Just you and me? We don’t hang out enough, and I had a lot of fun the other day.” Drew was still smiling at me, but I could tell there was something going on in his head. He blinked, tilting his head to one side, considering me. “Yeah. That’d be cool. Let’s do something. Right now I’m going to go look for Wayne again, though. Let me know if you see him, okay?” I promised to do just that and continued to smile as Drew left the room. The moment he was gone, however, I dropped the facade. I didn’t stand a chance with him. He was obviously too hung up on Wayne to see me as anything but a friend. Needless to say, most of the energy drained from me with this realization. I fell onto one of the couches bonelessly, too sullen to stand much less pace. Soon after Ryan and Colin joined me. I tried to perk up, and though they didn’t say anything, I’m sure they could tell something was wrong. We chatted for a short while, and then Ryan and Colin took to their normal routine of splitting up the newspaper. Only ten minutes before the taping was set to begin Drew came back in, followed by Wayne. I was surprised to see that Drew looked even worse then when he’d left me, but I was even more surprised to see that Wayne looked just the opposite. He was ecstatic; in fact, he was literally bouncing. The oddity of the situation didn’t escape Ryan or Colin either. They set down their papers and exchanged a glance before turning their attention to the newcomers. “What’s up?” Ryan asked, but the casualness of his tone didn’t hide the sudden tension behind the words. Drew looked to Wayne. “Wayne has an announcement to make. Wayne?” Wayne, still bouncing excitedly, nodded, grinning from ear to ear. “It’s Mandie,” he told us, referring to his wife, “She’s pregnant!” “Oh, wow,” Colin smiled. “Congratulations!” Ryan jump out of his seat to give Wayne a hug. The tension had fled the room in a matter of seconds. Colin stood as well to shake Wayne’s hand, and even I had to clap him on the back. Wayne was just so happy, as well he should be; it was fantastic news. He started talking very quickly to both Ryan and Colin, the other fathers. They were eager to tell him all the great things about parenthood, to share stories of their own children. Having nothing to input myself, I hung back and listened. Perhaps it was because I didn’t have children of my own yet, but I seemed to be the only one to consider how this news was affecting Drew. Like me, he was standing a little ways off from the group, watching them. I couldn’t read his expression. He must have sensed my eyes on him because he turned to me then, offering me a small smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. I didn’t doubt that Drew was happy for Wayne, but he also had to consider what this would do to their relationship. Even if he knew the arrangement wasn’t permanent, such an abrupt end to the affair would certainly be unwelcome. I moved to Drew’s side, laying a comforting hand on his back. “You okay?” I whispered. “Yeah,” Drew shrugged. “Why wouldn’t I be?” I could list half a dozen reasons straight off the top of my head, but Drew was giving me a look that told me if I even named one he’d kill me. If he wanted to pretend, that was fine by me. Suddenly a stage hand poked his head into the room. “Time to go,” he told us. So it was that when we got on stage, Ryan, Colin and Wayne were all quite giddy. If Drew was a little less enthusiastic than usual, no one noticed or at least had the tact not to point it out. I found the other guys’ enthusiasm intoxicating, however, and once introductions were finished and the first game was called, I was bounding on stage with the rest of them. Tonight’s first game was Let’s Make a Date. I was playing the bachelorette as usual. I watched the guys faces as Drew explained the game. Wayne was still looking ecstatic, so it was hard to tell if he got an easy quirk or not. Colin, however, heaved a very heavy sigh when he read his card. I chuckled along with the audience at the sight of him. Anything that caused a fellow contestant consternation had to be fun. Ryan was smiling at his card, though. I couldn’t tell if it was sarcastic or from true amusement. Drew told us to go, so I did. “Hello bachelors ” I called out, affecting a valley girl tone. They all replied rather normally. No clues there. “Bachelor number one... I, like, love movies. If you were gonna take me to a movie, what would we see?” “What would we see....” Wayne mused. “Something romantic... like Lassie. You could be my doggy, baby...” He licked his lips sensually before beginning to bark. “Excuse me?” “Well, I don’t know, baby, with all that pretty hair you could be a collie.” “Okay....” I said slowly. I had to admit I was completely lost on this one. I was leaning toward some kind of dog lover, but that seemed a bit risque for ABC. “Bachelor number two,” I moved on quickly, “I like to read the newspaper. You know, for the comics. What’s your favorite section of the newspaper?” Colin was nodding along as I spoke, doing... something. He seemed to be putting on gloves and a shirt... or possibly a vest before rubbing his hands together as if preparing himself. “Well,” he said, getting up from his stool and circling Wayne. The crowd burst into laughter as his quirk was revealed. “Sometimes I read the obituaries to see if any of my coworkers – oh ” He stopped suddenly and dropped to his knees, cocking his head as if listening for something. He was on the side of Wayne’s stool, head practically in his lap. The crowd loved that. “We’ve got a live one ” he shouted, and the next instant his hands were at Wayne’s crotch, miming undoing his pants and then fiddling around. The audience was dying, and even I was having a hard time keeping a straight face. Wayne, keeping in character I’d assume, just smirked at Colin and said, “When the moonlight shines off your head, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.” Colin glared at him for a moment and then got to his feet. “Never mind,” he said. “It’s a dud.” He returned to his seat among gales of laughter. I think I had some idea of what he was doing, but I wasn’t ready to hazard a guess just yet. I decided to move on to Ryan. “Bachelor number three....” Ryan simply nodded in response. He was staring at Colin, which wasn’t unusual. Ryan and Colin often watched each other in this game. No, what was unusual was the absolute adoration on Ryan’s face. I had to pause. I assumed it was just the quirk that had him looking that way, but with those two you could never tell. “Bachelor number three,” I said again, just as the audience started laughing. The laughter was followed by quite a few catcalls and a bit of clapping and I figured they’d just been shown Ryan’s quirk, and from their reaction, I was positive that it somehow involved Colin... and it was going to be good. I think Colin was thinking along the same lines because he seemed to brace himself as Ryan continued to stare at him. “Number three,” I said yet again, and Ryan started, finally turning away to face the camera. “Yes?” he breathed. “My perfect man is tall and dark and handsome. What do you like in a lover?” “A lover...” Ryan mused, smiling and shooting Colin another glance. Colin frowned, leaning away ever so subtly, and the crowd cheered. “Well, I like my man to– I mean woman, of course, to be strong...” he closed his eyes, grinning lasciviously. “Strong, with a broad, hairy chest and eyes that you could just drown in.” He opened his eyes slowly, still smiling and turned completely in his seat so that he was facing Colin. Colin was leaning even further away, returning Ryan’s stare fearfully. He seemed a bit lost, and I assumed his quirk didn’t prepare him to deal with such a reaction. “And bald,” Ryan purred. “He – she has to be bald.” I quirked an eyebrow at the camera. “You like bald women with hairy chests?” I asked. “Women. Right. Yes,” Ryan replied. He looked Colin over with a smirk before turning back to face the audience. “Right....” I said, stifling a laugh. “I’m not sure I’m your type.” I mimed flipping a lock of hair over my shoulder. “Bachelor number one...” Wayne nodded in response, smiling sensually at the camera. “Yes, ma petite chien?” I didn’t know what that meant, but a few people in the audience laughed, as well as Colin, and I got the impression that it wasn’t very flattering. I frowned. “I don’t really like foreign stuff.” Wayne’s eyes widened dramatically. “Forgive me ” he cried, leaping from his stool to land on his knees, hands raised as if begging. “I should be catering to your stupidity. If we go out, I’ll take you to one of those dumb chick flicks and then to get a burger and fries.” “Uh....” I pulled a face, trying to appear as disgusted as possible. “I’m on a diet.” “Ah, girl,” Wayne was smiling now, shaking his head as he climbed back on his stool. “You don’t have to do that. I like fat chicks.” “Excuse me?” It was getting hard to stay disgusted. I still had no idea what Wayne was doing, but it was amusing as Hell. “Bachelor number two,” I hurried on. Colin was quickly getting back in character, looking from side to side with a worried expression. “If you could be any dessert, what would your topping be?” “This is no time for questions ” Colin cried. He jumped off his stool and knelt down next to Ryan’s. Similar to Wayne, he dove straight for the crotch, working furiously, face drawn into a scowl. Ryan gave a low moan and I let my gaze wander to his face. He had his head thrown back, eyes shut and an expression of over-exaggerated arousal. Even Colin was having a hard time keeping a straight face. “Crap ” Colin shouted suddenly. “She’s gonna blow!” He made to stand, but halfway through the moment ended up flinging himself backwards to the sound of an explosion. He stumbled and fell face forward onto the carpet. He didn’t move. Amidst the laughter I could hear one voice loud and clear. I looked up to see Drew half bent over his desk, cheeks red as he giggled. It was great to see him enjoying himself, especially considering the kind of day he was having. My attention was drawn back to the game as Ryan dropped off his stool, crawling on hands and knees toward Colin’s prone body. “Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead,” he was muttering to himself. He managed to flip Colin over and lay his head on his chest, obviously looking for a heartbeat. “He’s alive!” Ryan shouted, smiling brightly and straightening. “He needs CPR!” And with that, he lowered his head– –right over Colin’s crotch. The crowd loved it; Drew was practically in tears, he was laughing so hard. Colin sat up immediately, his cheeks going pink with amused embarrassment. Ryan, however, just looked relieved. He stopped his “CPR” to wrap Colin in a tight hug, and then pulled back to cradle his cheeks between his palms and gave him a rather enthusiastic stage kiss. Drew was so far gone that it took him a few tries before he was able to hit the buzzer. “Okay, Chip,” he said between giggles as Colin and Ryan reclaimed their seats. “You want to take a guess?” “Sure....” I leaned back to look at Wayne, cracking my knuckles. Wayne stared back, smirking slightly. “Wayne is... a smooth talking Frenchman who accidentally insults people?” “Yeah, okay; close enough.” “Colin,” I moved on immediately, as he was the one person I was sure of, “is a member of the bomb squad diffusing bombs in people’s pants.” “Yes!” Drew cried, grinning broadly. “And Ryan?” “Ryan...” I smiled at him, and Ryan smiled right back, looking as though he were fighting the urge to laugh. “...is...” I thought a moment. I had an obvious answer on the tip of my tongue, but it had to be more complicated than that. Not able to come up with anything more, I shrugged and guessed, “in love with Colin?” “That’s right,” Drew smirked, “but what’s his quirk?” Everyone laughed at that, but the five of us on stage for a completely different reason. Drew shook his head, smiling and telling me that I was correct again and then waving us back to our seats. I was still smiling as I sat down. Ryan’s quirk had obviously been set up to cater to the fans, but I doubted it really tried his acting skills. “Actually,” Drew continued once we were all seated at the back of the stage, “it says ‘trying to hide the fact that he’s desperately in love with Colin,’ but I didn’t see much hiding going on.” Ryan had been taking a sip of water, but now he put his glass down to wrap one arm around Colin’s shoulders. “Oh, there’s no denying our love,” he said to Drew. Drew just laughed, shaking his head and the crowd sounded their approval. “Moving on quickly!” Drew said, shuddering. “The next game is Duet!” The taping progressed rather uneventfully from there. About halfway through, however, during a game of Improbably Mission, I happened to look out into the crowd. I had been preoccupied with playing and watching the games before this, but my attention was starting to wander. It’s not easy to see out into the audience, what with the stage lights in your eyes, but I happened to be looking in exactly the right spot when I noticed two peopled waving at me. They looked familiar, but I had to squint before I could tell exactly who it was. Greg and Brad sat halfway up the ‘ignored section,’ smiling down at me. I waved back, shaking my head amusedly and wondering just how often Greg found his way into the audience when not on stage. I had never noticed him before now, so this was possibly a new thing. Maybe he didn’t have a reason to watch before now. Last time it had been to keep an eye on Brad, but now I suspected he was researching for our plan. I didn’t point them out to the other guys. After all, it wouldn’t help Greg if his subjects suspected something. Soon it was time to do a few Drew Games. Wayne sat out from a Hoedown about clowns, and then I did as the others played Props. The next game it was Colin’s turn to sit out. We all stood in a vague line on stage as Drew went through all the coming back from commercial nonsense. We were playing Foreign Film Dub with Ryan translating for Drew and Wayne translating for me. Drew called out to the audience for a language and we ended up getting Russian. When he asked for the title of the movie, however, I distinctly heard Brad shout “Monster in My Pants!” I think some of the other guys might have recognized his voice as well, because both Colin and Wayne turned to look curiously into the crowd. Drew didn’t pick up on it, though, and that was the title he chose. Drew started out speaking gibberish as he mimed undressing to the audience’s delight. “Finally we’re alone,” Ryan translated. “Let me just get out of this duck costume and then we can play Monopoly.” Drew nodded along with the translation and winked at me suggestively. It was my turn now, and I replied in my best imitation of Russian, sidling up to Drew seductively and running my fingertips down the length of his arm before putting both hands at my belt, as though preparing to remove my pants. “If it’s up to me, we’ll be doing a lot more than playing Monopoly,” Wayne said. I went as far as actually undoing my belt to whoops and catcalls from the audience as Wayne spoke. Drew spun away from me, lifting a hand to his head in distress, voice a desperate cry. He turned back and took my hands, looking earnestly into my eyes. I knew he was just playing, and yet my heart skipped a beat as we stared into each others’ eyes. Unbidden, memories of our kiss flashed through my mind. I found my gaze drifting to his lips as Ryan began his translation. “But can’t you see our love can never be? The world will never accept our relationship, and it’s far too cold to get naked.” Drew pulled away again, but I reached out for him, holding his arms as I spoke determinedly. “Don’t let them rule our lives,” Wayne argued for me. “And before you make a decision, I must show you what’s in my pants.” Both Drew and I had to stifle a laugh at that. There was a good chance this was never going to get to air if we continued in this direction, but I didn’t care. In fact I was counting on it. Very few in the audience were laughing now, but we didn’t let that deter us. Even if the scene wasn’t as funny as they’d hoped, it seemed to have captured their attention, and I know I was too caught up in what might happen to stop. Drew went off on a long tirade, clutching at my shoulders in return, talking quickly, insistently. He must have gone on for a full minute, but Ryan’s translation was simply, “Oh? Let me see.” I nodded and stepped back out of Drew’s grasp, hands returning to my pants. In one quick, decisive gesture, I mimed pulling them down. I looked down and shrieked. “There’s a monster in my pants!” Wayne yelled. Drew back stepped, horror plainly written across his face, but after only a few steps he paused, his eyes widening. He came forward again, a slow smile spreading across his lips as he began to speak. “And what a monster it is,” Ryan translated. “What say you let me tame it?” The audience was laughing again, but I wasn’t. Drew had placed his hands at my waist as Ryan spoke, pulling me against him. I was finding it hard to breath as I looked into Drew’s eyes mere inches from my own. I tried my best to continue the game, but my “Russian” came out just above a whisper, barely loud enough for the microphone to pick up. I think Drew could tell my reaction wasn’t part of the game. He was watching me quite seriously, a speculative look on his face. Wayne translated, saying exactly what was on my mind. “I think I love you.” My shock at hearing my thoughts spoken aloud must have shone on my face, because I saw a sudden realization dawn on Drew’s. He smiled ever so slightly and leaned in to kiss me. I met him halfway. He was probably going for a stage kiss, but I sure as Hell wasn’t. I had forgotten the audience, forgotten the other guys. My hands slid up Drew’s arms and across his shoulders to cup the back of his neck as his arms tightened around my waist. In no time we were kissing the way we had the other night, all passion and no thought. Distantly I heard Colin sound the buzzer to end the game, but Drew wasn’t pulling away, and there was no way I was going to be the one to stop this. It was Dan’s shout of “That’s enough!” that finally seemed to bring Drew back to his senses. He leaned back, breaking the kiss, cheeks flush and eyes glassy. It took him a moment to gather his with about him before he turned to the camera to give his little “We’ll be right back” spiel, but Dan stopped him almost immediately. “Don’t bother,” he said, sounding a bit peeved. “We’re not using that.” Luckily we were nearing the end of the taping. We did another Drew game, another where they had me sit out, and then the pickups and we were done. I went immediately back to my dressing room as soon as we were finished. I was too lost in my own thoughts to even pretend to talk to any of the guys, and I really didn’t think I could face Drew just then. Once inside, I just stood there, breathing hard, leaning back against the door. I wanted to bang my head on it. Fuck me. I was falling for Drew. I suppose it shouldn’t have come as such a shock, but I don’t think I really grasped the depths of my feelings until I’d heard Wayne speak them aloud. I reasoned that it could just be a crush, but even that was more than I wanted to feel. Either way, Drew was still in love with Wayne; I was screwed. A knock on the door wrenched me from my little pity party, and with a very deep sigh I asked, “Who is it?” “Wayne!” came the enthusiastic reply. Before I’d even had the chance to move, Wayne was pushing the door open, and I had to scoot out of the way to avoid being hit. Wayne didn’t seem to notice. He was bouncing again. He grabbed me into a quick, tight hug, and then pulled back, holding me out at arms length and smiling brilliantly. “That was awesome!” he exclaimed. “Now get your ass all prettied up. We’ve got plans to make.” “Yeah, about that–“ Wayne scoffed, cutting me off. “Don’t tell me you want to back out? I saw that kiss. This is so happening.” “Yeah, but–“ “No! No buts!” Wayne spun me around, giving me a playful shove. “Now get dressed. We’re going to the bar with Greg and Brad.” I had actually started to heed Wayne’s orders, but now I paused, throwing him a confused look. “You know they’re here?” “Of course I know,” Wayne laughed. “If you hadn’t run off so quickly, you would have seen them come on stage after the taping. Everyone knows they’re here.” I started to get dressed. I could feel Wayne’s eyes on me. “They told me they were going to help with the plan as well.” There was a degrading sort of amusement in his tone. I turned to him sheepishly as I buttoned up my shirt. “It’s okay that I told them, isn’t it?” He watched me for a moment with a lopsided smirk before it breached into a huge grin. “Hell, yeah. The more the merrier. Now hurry up.” Now it was my turn to smile. “What about you? You still have to get changed.” “That I do.” He nodded once, and then retreated to the door, but just as he was leaving he stopped and turned back to me. “No more talk about backing out, okay?” I sighed. “Okay.” To be honest, I still didn’t see how this was going to work, but it was obvious that nothing I said would dissuade Wayne. It was all he could talk about on the way to the bar, and Greg and Brad weren’t helping any. The three discussed one hair-brained scheme after another, everything from setting us up on a “blind date” to locking us in a broom closet together smeared with tuna fish oil. We arrived at the bar before the rest of our group, and the conversation continued at a small table in the corner over a pitcher of beer. Try as I might, I just couldn’t contribute. Hell, I was having a hard time even paying attention. To Wayne, Greg and Brad this seemed little more than a game, but it was my heart they were playing with, trying to set up a relationship that I certainly wasn’t prepared to deal with and wasn’t even sure I wanted. I had only been with one mad before, but that was just a fling, just sex. With Drew it would be different, so much more. I had no idea how to go about it. While the other guys were engrossed in figuring out my life for me, I kept my eyes on the door. So it was that I was the first to see Drew when he finally came in. Colin entered first, and immediately began looking around for us. Ryan followed, half turned and speaking to someone behind him. That someone, of course, was Drew. He walked in, smiling as he responded to Ryan. He was dressed in a short sleeved, midnight blue button down, untucked over stylishly faded jeans. The dim lights glinted off the highlights in his hair and made it shimmer. As the three approached our table, the other guys finally noticed them and called out a greeting. Drew looked up, and I smiled at him, but Drew didn’t even look my way. He had automatically searched out Wayne, and when sitting down, took a seat next to him without thinking. I tried not to let it hurt; this was exactly what I thought would happen, but Wayne had been so giddy that I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. Without a word I stood and left the table. I could hear Wayne calling after me, but I ignored him. I sat down at the bar and ordered a bottle of tequila. It was a horrid drink, consumed solely to get absolutely plastered, and by my third shot I was well on my way. Suddenly there was a presence on my left, but I didn’t bother looking up. With the size of the shadow he was casting, it could on be one person. “Want some company?” Ryan asked. I just shrugged. I was feeling toasty enough not to order him away immediately, but I wasn’t about to invite him into my problems either. Ryan stayed. In fact, he asked the bartender for another shot glass and helped himself to my tequila. We sat in silence for a couple minutes, just taking shots before he spoke again. “So what’s up?” I shrugged again. “Did you know I’m getting a divorce?” I could see him nod out of the corner of my eye. “Drew mentioned it, yeah. Are you okay?” “With that? Yes. I’m actually kind of happy about it.” “Then why did you leave the party to drink yourself into a stupor?” I just shook my head. “Not much in a party mood.” “I see.” Ryan reached for the bottle again, pouring himself another drink. He downed the shot and then leaned forward, staring at the wall of alcohol behind the bar. “Let’s play a game,” he said, staunchly not looking at me, even though he’d certainly gained my attention. “I’ll tell you a secret and then you tell me one.” “Oh, no,” I shook my head and even started to get up; I may have been tipsy, but I sure as Hell wasn’t stupid. My tongue was loose and I was liable to say just about anything. He dropped a hand on my shoulder, though, keeping me in place. “It’ll be fun,” he assured me, staring into my eyes now. “Look, I’ll start. I’m in love with Colin.” “Well duh.” I’m sure I could have come up with something more intelligent had I cared enough to. “Everyone knows that.” “But I’ve never said it before. Now you go.” “Fine.” If he wanted to play that way, I would just give it right back. “I had sex with Wayne.” Ryan frowned. “That doesn’t count. New one.” “Doesn’t count?” I laughed. “Why not?” “I knew that already.” “And I knew how you felt about Colin.” Ryan sighed, but he smiled at me sheepishly as he realized he’d fallen into his own trap. It was obvious he was looking to find out something in particular, and I was just about to ask what it was when Ryan spoke again. “Well, here’s something you don’t know.” He breathed in deeply, averting his eyes at the same time to stare a hole in the floor. It seemed to take quite a bit of courage for him to say what he said next. “I’m thinking about leaving Pat for Colin.” He wasn’t lying when he’d said I hadn’t known that. I hadn’t even suspected. “Does Colin know?” Ryan shook his head. He still couldn’t meet my eyes. “No. I haven’t said anything to anyone. I’m not sure I could actually go through with it... it’s just a thought.” He sat for a moment, just breathing. “Every time we’re together,” he continued, almost to himself now, “I spend so much time dreading the moment it’ll end. And I love Pat. I do. I just don’t want to be apart from him anymore.” There was nothing I could say to that, so for a few minutes neither of us spoke. He didn’t have to tell me that, though, and the fact that he trusted me enough to do so really touched me. I had turned away, staring into my empty shot glass, but now I turned back and said, “What is it you want to know?” Ryan blinked at me as though just remembering why he came over in the first place. “How do you feel about Drew?” Well that wasn’t too bad. Unfortunately, it was a question I was still asking myself. “I don’t know. I like him.” Ryan shook his head and smiled. “Yeah, I like Drew, too, but it doesn’t mean I’m going to make out with the guy in front of a television audience. Seriously, what’s going on?” “I don’t know,” I said again with absolute honesty. “He’s nice, he’s attractive, he’s funny, he’s a pretty good kisser... if he was a girl, I’d ask him out in a second. But he’s not. He’s a guy. He’s Drew.” Ryan nodded. “I get that. It took me forever to act on how I felt for Colin, to even admit to it. But I didn’t have anyone I could talk to about it, and now I just regret taking so long to figure it all out.” He turned away then to look out across the bar to where most of our friends still sat in the far corner. I followed his gaze and watched Colin as he laughed at something Wayne had just said. As we watched, Colin looked up and caught Ryan’s eyes. His cheeks were rosy from the alcohol, face happy and open. I could see the love in his eyes as he shared a smile with his lover. I wanted that. I searched the table for Drew and finally found him, head bowed, deep in conversation with Greg. “Greg told me about your plan,” Ryan said suddenly. “I want to help, but only if you’re serious.” Drew was taking a sip of beer. Greg said something, and Drew smirked at him, his eyes alight with amusement. I thought about what Ryan said about taking so long to come to terms with his feelings and knew that I couldn’t wait ten years to figure it out for myself. Maybe a relationship wouldn’t work, and I was just setting myself up for failure, but I had to find out. “I am,” I told him. “Well then it’s settled,” Ryan declared, standing and clapping me on the back. “Let’s go get you a man.” We stood and started towards the others, but before we’d gotten very far, Ryan caught Colin’s eyes again and nodded him over. We were nearly to the table when he met us. Ryan leaned toward him under the guise of handing him the half empty tequila bottle and whispered, “Think you could get rid of Drew for ten minutes?” Colin nodded. “I’ll do my best.” He took the bottle from Ryan and went straight to his task. It amazed me. Colin hadn’t questioned Ryan about the request, hadn’t even hesitated. He most likely knew what we were up to, but still, the trust they shared wasn’t something you often saw. I really hoped things would work out for them. I have no idea what Colin said to Drew, but it successfully got him up and away from the table. Ryan and I took their vacated seats. The conversations already going on continued for a minute or so until we were all sure that Colin and Drew were out of ear shot, but then, as one, Brad, Greg and Wayne turned their attentions to us. “Let’s make this quick,” Ryan said. “I don’t know how long Colin will be able to distract Drew. Any ideas?” “I still think we should lock them in a room together,” Brad put in immediately. “Cliched, but it has potential,” Ryan replied. “Anyone else?” The conversation went on around me as though I weren’t even there, a fact which amused me more than anything. The whole situation was very surreal: having a group of your friends try and set you up with another man. It was like a scene out of some bad sitcom, but I was certainly grateful for them. I doubt I would have been able to go through with it without their support. They came to a conclusion rather quickly, but I as I was busy in my own head, I hadn’t managed to catch their final decision. Just was I was turning to ask Ryan, however, Drew and Colin returned. We went back to the hotel soon after, and I somehow ended up in a car with Drew, so I never got a chance to find out just what the plan was or even when it was going to be executed. It was nearing midnight by the time we made it back to the ninth floor, and for most of us it was well past our bedtimes. Ryan and Colin in particular seemed to be almost sleep walking as they stumbled their way to Colin’s room. Even I was yawning when I opened my door. It seemed just yesterday that I could stay up until three a.m. partying and then be up at 8 o’clock, ready to work or go to class. I sure as Hell didn’t consider myself old, but still, a three hour taping and then hours of drinking and the emotional turmoil of the day had really taken its toll on me. My thoughts found themselves wandering to Wayne and Drew. Out of all of us, Wayne seemed to be the only one not tuckered out. Then again, he was the youngest. I did a little quick calculating and realized that there was a 14 year age difference between Drew and Wayne. Funny how it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Back in highschool anything more than a year meant you were worlds apart. I was still wondering about that when there was a knock at the door. I didn’t think much of it; it was probably just one of the guys coming over to let me in on the plan. “I’ll be right there!” I called out and quickly finished dressing for bed before jogging over to the door. When I opened it, however, I found the very last person I’d have expected. He stood there, looking almost nervous, hands fidgeting at his waist. It took him a moment to meet my eyes, and when he did I found his unreadable. “Can I come in?” I nodded, stepping back. “Sure, Drew. What’s up?” Chapter 7 Drew stepped past me into the room. I motioned for him to take a seat on the bed, but he simply shook his head. “I’m not staying long,” he said. He was looking around the room, his eyes everywhere but on me. From his actions, I’d say he was nervous, but when he spoke he sounded calm, relaxed. “I’ve been thinking about what you said this morning. About hanging out. Did you still want to?” He seemed fixated on my lamp. “Brad’s leaving on Monday. Greg’s going home until Friday, and Colin and Ryan will be at Ryan’s house, so it’ll just be you and me at the hotel.” “And Wayne,” I pointed out as gently as I could. “Actually, Wayne’s going to see his wife.” Drew still sounded nonchalant, but he had to be hurting. Maybe he was a better actor than he got credit for. I considered his offer. Part of me hoped it was more than the friendly invitation it appeared; after all, he seemed to be trying quite hard to say that the only reason he wanted to spend time with be was because there wasn’t anyone else. A larger part of me, however, was still trying not to get my hopes up. In the end I decided that even if Drew was thinking on a completely platonic level, I would definitely take him up on it. We did have fun together, and he was a friend. I was sure I’d enjoy myself. “Sure. What did you want to do?” Drew looked up, meeting my eyes for the first time since coming in my room. He smiled, and all his nervousness seemed to melt away. “I don’t know. A movie; maybe bowling. Something fun.” “Cool.” I grinned back at him. “Yeah.” We stood there, just smiling at each other for a moment. My eyes dropped to his lips, remembering how they felt against mine. They looked so soft and pink in the warm hotel room lighting. I found myself taking an involuntary step toward him, and suddenly Drew coughed and kicked into action, skirting around me toward the door. “I guess I’ll let you go to bed now,” he threw over his shoulder. “Right. Yeah. Bye.” I tried not to let my disappointment show in my voice. Then he was gone and I was once again left alone with my thoughts. Most of the next two days passed in a bit of a blur. Almost everyone was busy with a taping on Sunday, so I spent the day alone, apartment hunting. I rented a car and drove out to the suburbs, just cruising around and looking for places to rent. By the time the sun had begun to set, I hadn’t made any decisions, though I’d found a couple of nice places and filled out a few applications. Hopefully I’d have a place to stay by last taping the next weekend. Monday morning was spent at home packing. I left early and so was surprised to find Greg in the lobby. From what Drew had said, he would be going home for the week, but it was still far too early for him to be up on a day off. I was on my way over to say hi when I realized he wasn’t alone. He stood, just to the side of the elevators, back against the wall down a corridor that lead to parts of the hotel unknown. Across the hall from him, half hidden by a large potted ficus, was Brad. They were speaking too low for me to make out the words, but from the looks on their faces I could tell this was serious. Greg was standing very still, arms crossed, leaning against the wall in a forced show of casualness, nodding as Brad spoke. Brad was worrying his lower lip, eyes everywhere but on the man before him. The conversation fizzled out, leaving them standing there. Finally, with a long sigh blown out through his teeth, Brad pushed off from the wall. He gave Greg a nod and started off. But the next instant, Greg had followed, jogging around to come face to face with him. They stood that way for a fraction of a second, and then Greg jerked forward, engulfing Brad in a tight hug. I could see Brad’s weary smile; there was a light in his eyes, and I dared to think that maybe they, too, had been caught up in the war between love and sex. After a moment Greg pulled back. From my angle, I couldn’t see his face, but I could still see Brad’s. He was grinning broadly now, almost laughing. He said something, short and sharp, and then pulled Greg into a quick, fierce kiss. It was the first real intimate act I had seen between the two, and despite the fact that I had known already, it still left me feeling odd. It was like the first time you see one of your friends light a cigarette: you may know that they smoke already, but knowing it and seeing it are worlds apart. I turned and left them then, feeling that I had intruded on something personal. Still, as I climbed in my rental car and headed for my former home, I couldn’t help but smile. For all Greg’s talk of “friends with benefits” and the like, he was no better off than the rest of us. I packed all my worldy possessions, thankful that my wife was at work. Even though we were on relatively good terms, I imagined her being there as I boxed up our lives together would be rather uncomfortable. When I was satisfied that I hadn’t forgotten anything, I took the boxes and suitcases and put them in my car. The car, however, was staying at the house until the end of the week. Two weeks at a hotel was expensive enough without adding parking to the bill. I managed to finish before my wife returned home, so I left her a note to tell her what I’d done and that I would be back later on to pick everything up. I left her all the furnishings as well as anything we’d bought jointly, though I certainly wouldn’t decline anything she offered me. I wasn’t looking forward to having to rebuy everything, but I wasn’t concerned about that now. Now I just wanted to get the majority of my work done and get the Hell out of there. Once I was on the road I decided to take my time getting back to the hotel. I had been eager to leave my home, but I wasn’t going back for anything or anyone in particular. I ended up stopping for Chinese food in anticipation of a relaxing evening in front of the tv. When I arrived back at my room, however, the first thing I noticed was that I had a message. It was Drew asking me to call him to cement plans. As I dialed, I couldn’t help but think back to last Monday when Drew had invited me back to his room in an effort to make me feel better after the ordeal with my wife. Though it had only been a week, it seemed much longer. So much had changed in such a short time. Drew picked up on the second ring. “Hello?” “Hey, it’s me,” I greeted, assuming he’d recognize my voice. I wasn’t disappointed. “Chip! Hey.” I could hear the smile in his voice. “I was thinking we could do something tomorrow. What do you think?” I opened my mouth to reply, but suddenly my gaze fell on one of my still unopened cartons of Chinese food. Hell, I thought, why wait for tomorrow? “That sounds good. In fact, I just bought way too much Chinese food. Why don’t you come over and help me with it while we talk?” “Chinese, huh?” Drew mused. He was still smiling, and I knew it was no contest. “I’ll be right over.” Ten minutes later we were perched on my bed eating lo mein straight out of the container with plastic forks. The conversation started out light as we discussed the pros and cons of how we wanted to spend the next day. We decided on playing pool and maybe going out for lunch. Anything further would be figured out when the time came. When plans were complete there was a lull in the conversation. Under normal circumstances we would have had lots to say, but all I could think of was my divorce and Drew’s impending breakup. Neither topic made for a very relaxing time. Then again, they were things that needed to be addressed if we wanted to move forward. Drew must have been thinking along the same lines because we both asked in unison, “How are you?” The laughter that followed was short lived. I sobered up quickly and replied, “I’m good.” “Really, I am,” I insisted when Drew just looked at me skeptically. “The more I think about it, the more I realize that I’ve just been waiting for this to happen. And,” I said, meeting his eyes earnestly, “I think I’m ready to move on.” Drew still said nothing. He watched me curiously as if he had something to say, but couldn’t find the words. “How are you doing?” I asked, repeating my earlier question. Drew shrugged, turning away and smiling gently. “I’m all right, I guess. Maybe I’ve been waiting for this as well, but that doesn’t mean I was ready for it.” I nodded, but said nothing, waiting for him to continue. “He always said that in the end he would choose his wife, but I guess I never really believed him. I never even let myself think about that. I guess I was in denial.” He heaved a deep sigh, settling back against the headboard, a carton of fried rice settled in his lap. I was seated next to him, both of us facing the television set even though it was off. “And now there’s a baby,” Drew said after a moment of silence. “It really is over between us.” There was a kind of emotionlessness in the way he spoke, as if he couldn’t quite figure out how to feel. “How long were you together?” I found myself asking. Drew furrowed his brow. “A little over a year. Not that long, I guess.” “Long enough.” He nodded, still staring at the blank television screen. There was another few minutes of contemplative silence as we both got lost in our own thoughts. We began eating again for lack of anything better to do. Though we remained quiet, it wasn’t uncomfortable. There was too much going on in both our heads to really think about the absence of words. I, for one, was back to thinking about how hopeless this whole situation was. Here I was trying to start a relationship with this guy, and all we could talk about was his ex, though I admitted that it couldn’t really be helped. We finished eating soon after, and I figured we’d part for the night, but as I cleaned up, Drew stayed put. I could feel his gaze on me, watching me as I moved about the room. Just as I was dumping the empty cartons in the trash he asked, “Do you have any beer?” It actually took me by surprise. What with the way the conversation had been going, I’d assumed he’d rather be alone. “No, I don’t.” “Well I do,” Drew said, climbing to his feet. “I’ll go get it.” And without another word he was gone. I was left staring after him for a minute, I was so startled by the abrupt decision. In fact, I had barely moved by the time there was a knock on the door announcing his return. Drew wasn’t lying when he’d said he had beer. He came back with two six packs and was already snapping a can from its plastic holster as I opened the door. So we drank. I didn’t trust myself to initiate conversation; I was still too caught up in our previous talk to think of anything light hearted to say. Mostly I found myself listening as Drew flipped through the channels, looking for something, anything of interest on tv, commenting on the crap he came across. Amusingly enough, the first time he stopped for any length was for an old rerun of Friends. We watched for a few minutes before Drew revealed that he actually thought it was a pretty good program and was just sick of The Drew Carey Show being compared to it. This, of course, led to a colorfully worded tirade on all the bad reviews he’d received over the years. I listened intently, not having much to input. It was fun to watch him rant. He’d regained a bit of the enthusiasm that talking about Wayne had drained from him. More than an hour passed as he resumed channel surfing. The alcohol began to take affect and soon I was matching him insult for insult on each bad television show to worse movie. We had just finished snickering over a Star Trek episode when Drew suddenly got quiet. He was staring at the tv, a small smile on his lips, hand paused on the remote. I was cracking open yet another beer, but hesitated then, turning to watch him curiously. When he didn’t move, I followed his gaze to the tv, only to find myself still looking at Drew. I couldn’t help but smile when I realized what we were watching. “Sooo,” I drawled, “when are Lewis and Oswald going to hook up?” Drew just snorted in response, shaking his head. He was still captivated by the television, and I didn’t blame him. Even now I still found it strange to see myself on tv. “I hate to break it to you, but Lewis and Oswald are straight.” “Uh huh. Sure they are.” “Besides,” Drew continued, still smiling at his reflection, “if I was going to hook Lewis up with any guy, it’d have to be Eugene.” Maybe it was just my inebriated state, but that sounded like an absolutely fabulous idea. “Yeah You should do that ” I laughed. Drew shook his head, but laughed along with me. “That would just confuse the fans.” I opened my mouth to protest, but Drew was continuing. “And even if it didn’t, Bruce and ABC would never go for it. Besides,” he added, frowning slightly, “giving Colin a bigger role would require him coming back to L.A. long term, and no one, not even Ryan could convince him to do that.” That line of thought threatened to pull the conversation back into serious territory, so Drew quickly changed the subject. “I bet I could get him to do another episode, though. One where he spent the whole time hitting on Lewis.” “If you don’t bring it up, I will.” “Oh, I’ll ask him.” “You’d better.” There must have been a note of challenge in my voice because Drew turned to me with a look that said very clearly, “Bring it on.” “Oh? You gonna make me?” I smirked and leaned forward so that our faces were mere inches apart. “Yes,” I whispered confidently. “Yes, I am.” Drew stared straight back, smiling as he played along. “And just how are you going to do that?” Something was happening here; I could feel it. It was as if we were gravitating toward each other, and though I knew I should try to stop it, I couldn’t bring myself to do so. “Well,” I whispered and was surprised to hear how soft it came out. I was still smirking, but it was weak, unfocused. My heartbeat thrummed in the back of my throat. He was so close that I could feel the warm wash of his breath over my lips with every exhale. I was quickly losing track of where the conversation had been headed. “Well what?” There was something about his voice that told me he had forgotten as well. No. I yanked back suddenly, throwing on the most plastic smile I’d ever worn in all my life. Drew was blinking at me, but instead of the confusion I’d expected to see on his face, I found him to be watching me intensely, thoughtfully. He knew exactly what was on my mind. He didn’t look disturbed or upset, and I think that just furthered my resolution. He had gone from talking about Wayne to flirting with me after only a few beers. As much as I’d wanted to continue, I just couldn’t, not when it was so obvious he was using me to forget. “Well, I think that’s enough for tonight.” I said around my smile. “Like Hell it is.” I had begun to pull away, but then Drew clamped one hand around my wrist, holding me still. I could only stare at him, my pulse tripping a rhythm at the base of my throat that made it hard to swallow. Drew was leaning toward me again. He shifted so that he was on his side, head still propped up at an awkward angle against the head board. “Drew?” I breathed. “What were you going to say?” I think he could read the confusion in my eyes because he continued, even as he moved closer, the heat of his body pressed against my side. “How are you going to make me?” he clarified. I wanted to think he was still playing, but there was no denying the tension in his gaze. He was very, very serious. I couldn’t play along anymore. I shook my head, at a complete loss for words. The hold on my wrist loosened, and Drew slid his fingertips up the length of my arm to toy with the fabric at the collar of my t-shirt. I tilted my head, arching my neck to give him better access without thinking. His breath came out in quiet, rapid pants. He stared at the column of my throat, seemingly fascinated by it. His hand left my collar to trace a line from collarbone to jaw and then up along the shell of my ear before threading fingers through the hair at the back of my head. His touch was insanely gentle. All I could think as Drew moved one leg over mine so that he was practically on top of me was how unlike him it all seemed. I’d always imagined Drew to be more demanding in bed, not to mention overwhelmingly straight. Even with the events of the past week, I was having a hard time reconciling the Drew I thought I knew to the one currently pressing his erection against my thigh. “Wait.” It took more resolve than I thought I’d had, but I managed to extricate myself from beneath Drew, rolling away to sit up. “What are we doing?” Drew chuckled. “Isn’t that obvious?” “No, I mean yeah, but we can’t. You’re drunk. You’re not thinking clearly.” “Not that drunk,” Drew argued. Taking into consideration that amount of alcohol he’d imbibed verus his size, I was sure he was telling the truth. His words, however, dragged up a memory of Wayne saying the same thing to me not so long ago. “You’re upset,” I said. “You don’t really want this.” Drew frowned, considering me with an otherwise unreadable expression. A minute passed, and neither of us said a word. Finally Drew sat up, turning away to swing his legs over the side of the bed. “Maybe you’re right,” he said after another moment, not looking at me. “I guess I’ll go.” I watched him get up and head to the door. Just as he reached for the knob, I called out, “Are we still on for tomorrow?” Drew paused, hand hovering just over the shining brass knob. His shoulders lifted in a half-hearted shrug. “If you want.” He still wasn’t looking at me. I had turned him down twice in the space of ten minutes, so it was no wonder he was acting the way he was. I scrambled off the bed and nearly ran over to him. Whatever else happened, Drew was my friend, and I couldn’t let him leave like this. But at the same time, I had no idea what to say. I slowed as I approached him. “Drew?” It came out soft, almost pleading, which was certainly not the way I’d intended it. Drew spun at the sound of his name, however, head snapping up. He looked almost angry. “Thing are... weird right now,” I offered, pleased to see the confrontational look melt from Drew’s face. “You’re hurting. I don’t think you know what you want.” “And you do?” he asked. I blinked. “I didn’t mean–“ “For that matter,” Drew continued, cutting me off with a shake of the head, “do you even know what you want?” Each question had been firm, but not angry, not a challenge of any kind. What I normally would have perceived as an insult, I was seeing as a genuine question. “Yeah,” I said, sounding far more confident that I felt. “I do.” “I see.” Drew was frowning again. I got the distinct impression that wasn’t the answer he was looking for, that there was more to his question than I had picked up on. “You need a friend right now,” I told him. It was true. It was for the best. It didn’t matter that pushing him away had just about been the hardest thing I’d ever done. It was the right thing to do... but then why did it feel so wrong? Drew nodded. He wasn’t quite frowning now, but he looked far from happy. We watched each other from a distance, each trying to figure out what the other was thinking. Finally Drew sighed, shoulders slumping, and turned back to the door. He had it half open, the bright fluorescent hall lights spilling into my room, when he paused and said, “Chip?” “Yeah?” “I...” Drew started, but then hesitated and shook his head. “Nothing. Goodnight.” “Goodnight, Drew.” The following afternoon had me waiting impatiently by the phone. I had spent most of the morning just lounging around my hotel room channel surfing and dining on cold Chinese food. By 2 p.m. Drew still hadn’t gotten in contact with me. I waited by the phone, fighting the feeling that I was being stood up, worrying that last night’s damage was too great to repair. At 2:36 I decided to screw it all and just give him a call. The phone rang for a full five minutes without an answer. It looked like I’d be spending the day alone after all. Just then came a knock on the door. I lay the receiver back into its cradle, staring at the door suspiciously. I would not get my hopes up. “Who is it?” There was a moment of silence and then, “It’s Drew. Did you still want to go out?” A wide smile spread across my lips. I opened the door to see Drew standing just outside, wearing a festive, Colin caliber button down and an uncertain smile. “Hey,” I greeted him. I was grinning like an idiot, but I didn’t care, especially when he returned the smile, all hints of awkwardness and uncertainty falling away in less than a heartbeat. “Hey,” he replied in turn. We looked at each other for a minute, neither speaking. It wasn’t uncomfortable; it was more relieved, thankful that we could go on as if last night hadn’t happened. There was more to it than that, a warmth I could see in Drew’s eyes that had me feeling lightheaded, but I wasn’t about to let myself dwell on that. “So,” Drew cleared his throat. “Ready to go?” We actually went to the same bar we frequented on taping nights. They had a few pool tables in a back room that Drew and some of the other guys played at every so often. I never joined in. I love pool, but I’m not very good, and while I was all for making an ass out of myself in front of hundreds of complete strangers, off stage was a different matter. But for some reason, now that it was just Drew and I, none of that seemed to matter. It was early yet, and the bar had only a few patrons aside from ourselves. We ordered a pitcher of beer and claimed a table. We started out with a simple game of 8 Ball, by the end of which it was obvious I had no idea what I was doing. Oh, I knew the rules, but that didn’t stop Drew from absolutely slaughtering me. “No wonder you never play with us,” Drew joked as I reracked the balls. I just shrugged, smiling. I was trying to think up any sort of witty retort, but embarrassment had frozen my vocal chords. “Here,” Drew said, softer now, once I had finished. “Why don’t you break? I’ll watch and see if I can’t help.” I did as I was told, scattering the balls across the table. None went in the pockets, so I stepped back for Drew to take his turn. Drew was staring at the table thoughtfully. “No,” he said, “keep going. I just want to watch.” “Okay.” I nodded, eyeing the table myself before lining up my first shot. “Oh,” Drew said as something occurred to him, “and tell me what you’re trying to do, too.” I thought that was obvious, but obliged, saying, “Four ball, corner pocket.” It was a straight shot, and I got it in with ease. The cue ball ricocheted, rolling softly into the center of the table. If I was going to play this game by myself, then I had a lot of options but decided to stick with solids anyway. The one ball was slightly to the right of a side pocket, so I went for that, saying as much. I hit the cue ball hard, and it slammed into the one ball, but instead of sending it into the pocket, it went in the complete opposite direction. The cue ball spun away, bouncing off the far side of the table and coming to rest amidst three other balls. It would be nearly impossible to hit. “No, no, no,” Drew said suddenly, startling me. I looked up at him, frowning. “First of all,” he said, pointing at where the one ball had stopped, “you need to think about where you want to hit the object ball. You wanted it to go left, so you should have hit it on the right. You smacked it dead center, so of course it wasn’t going to go where you wanted it. Second,” he said, swinging his hand over to the buried white ball, “you have to hit the cue ball properly. Where you hit it doesn’t only affect how it hits the other balls, but it also effects where it ends up.” He smiled, dropping his arm. “You screwed yourself.” “Gee, thanks,” I muttered sarcastically, but I was secretly pleased to see Drew so animated. “Let me show you,” he was continuing. He lifted the cue ball to put it into a better position, and pointed down the table. “Tell me how you’d get the 6 ball in the corner there.” My initial response was that I’d hit it as hard as I could and hope for the best, but I held my tongue and actually tried to think. “Hit it on the left?” “Correct.” Drew smiled at me. “But not too far to the left or you’ll send it sideways. Now where do you hit the cue ball?” I honestly had no idea and said as much. Drew, now in full on teacher mode, didn’t get frustrated. Rather he came up behind me, placing one hand on my shoulder and pointing out where I would hit in and how hard. He went on to say where the ball would end up, but I had long ago stopped listening. I could feel Drew’s arm pressed against my back. My own arm was settled against his front as he stood, half turned beside me. I found my gaze drawn to his lips, watching him form words without hearing them. The gentle scent of his cologne washed over me. I could sense that he was wrapping up his explanation and forced myself to pay attention. “... it’s all about mathematics.” I smiled. “Then I’m surprised you have any idea what you’re doing.” I was going for humor, but my voice came out far softer than I had intended. Drew smirked. “Fuck you,” he said good-naturedly, giving me a little shove with the hand that wasn’t still resting on my shoulder. “Just try it.” Needless to say, my game play had barely improved. Drew still didn’t get even the slightest bit aggravated. We went through each ball, Drew telling me what to do. I was trying my best to pay attention, but most of what he was saying went way over my head. Part of the problem was that I kept getting distracted. More often than not he would be right there beside me, guiding me, trying to make me see what he saw, but I kept finding my gaze drifting to Drew, his eyes, his mouth, the subtle flutters of his hand as he spoke. I knew I was falling for him, and I was tired of having to reject him. A large part of me wanted to throw him down on the pool table and take him then and there, despite the public forum. I just might have had I not been equally as positive that Drew was still hung up on Wayne. After the lesson ended we played a few more racks. Drew was still slaughtering me, but that didn’t matter. It was fun, and I just loved spending time with him. “Now what?” Drew asked as we stepped out to parking lot. I was too busy blinking the sun out of my eyes to answer. After the dim lighting of the bar, it seemed unnaturally bright outside. The late afternoon sun glared off buildings and soaked into the blacktop. It was exceedingly uncomfortable, and one thing came to mind immediately. “Shade.” “Shade?” Drew blinked at me uncomprehendingly. I hadn’t realized I had spoken aloud, but now I was glad I had. “Yes, shade.” I turned to Drew and smiled. “I know the perfect place to go.” As we stared at each other, a wry smile lit up Drew’s face while he pondered my words, wondering just what I had in mind. After a moment he swept one arm out in the direction of the car, urging me forward. “Well, then, where to?” “Oh, no,” I said. “It’s a surprise. I’ll drive.” Drew gave a barking laugh, stopping in his tracks. I stopped as well and came around to face him. He was holding his keys in one hand, his smile now one of challenge. “If you think I’m letting you drive the Porche...” “Then what?” I prompted, crossing my arms over my chest. We faced off for what must have been a full minute. Drew continued to clutch his keys as though afraid I would snatch them away, and I found my grin growing wider. There was no way I was going to budge on this. Drew eventually realized that as well. His eyes narrowed curiously, still unable to figure out my plan. “Then I guess you’re right,” he said suddenly, tossing me his keys. I had to dart forward to catch them. He continued to smirk as he strode past me, turning and walking backwards, hands stuffed in his pockets. “But this better be good.” We drove for the most part in silence, just enjoying each other’s presence. I was starting to worry that Drew would think me silly and sentimental once he realized where I was taking us. I left the city and turned onto the highway. I could feel Drew’s eyes on me and smiled at him innocently. I could tell he was getting more and more curious as we drove on, and after the build up in the parking lot, I didn’t blame him. I just hoped it wouldn’t be too much of a disappointment. We were nearly there when Drew figured it out. He suddenly started to chuckle, shaking his head in amusement. I glanced over to him briefly, trying to figure out what was going on in his head. I couldn’t, but he was smiling, and that, at least, had to be a good sign. I pulled into the small parking lot and shut off the engine, waiting for Drew to speak. It took him a moment, but he finally said, “We didn’t bring a picnic.” I smiled at the joke, but couldn’t meet his eyes. I was still too worried. Instead I stared out across the field before us, out over the park and the tree we had climbed just over a week ago. “If you think this is stupid, then we can go somewhere else.” While I spoke, Drew had actually unbuckled his seat belt and started to open the door. Now he paused. I could feel his eyes on me. “Why would I think it’s stupid?” “I don’t know.” I shrugged helplessly. I had finally regained the courage to look at Drew and did so now. “It’s a park.” “Yeah, but it’s our park.” I think my jaw actually dropped; I had been thinking the exact same thing. I tried to cover my surprise by saying, “Now who’s being sentimental?” Drew lifted an eyebrow. “I never called you sentimental.” Oh. Right. I could feel my cheeks burn as I replied, “In my head you did.” Drew laughed. “Talking to yourself? Not a good sign.” He chuckled for another moment and then lifted one arm, nudging me gently with his elbow. ‘Come on. Race you to the tree.” We were in a park, and trees were abundant, but I didn’t have to ask which one he was referring to. “You know you don’t have a chance,” I called to him as I exited the car, slamming my door behind me and throwing him the keys. Drew smirked. “It’ll do you good to win at least one thing today.” That did it. I took off at a run, leaving Drew behind in a matter of seconds. I could feel the sun on my face, but now, away from the city, it felt different: warm, inviting. Maybe it was something about this park, but I felt like a kid again. Or maybe it was Drew. I practically rammed into the tree, hitting it hard with both hands and recoiling slightly. I spun around to watch Drew. He had given up about halfway through the field and now stood, leaning forward, hands on his knees. He caught my eyes and stuck out tongue. I was breathing heavily myself but walked back to Drew anyway. Together we wandered over to the tree and plopped down, leaning against the trunk, side by side. For a while we just talked, flowing from topic to topic with ease. It started light, discussing our plans for the rest of the summer and other trivial things, but quickly moved to deeper conversation. Vacation speculations reminded me of childhood getaways, and soon we were trading stories of our youth as the sun fled west over the horizon, and dark clouds rolled in, obscuring what would otherwise have been a beautiful California sunset. Just as Drew was finishing up a tale from his time in the Marines, the first raindrops started to fall. It was sudden and practically a downpour, the drops large and heavy, obscuring us from the rest of the world like white noise. In the distance I could see families racing to their cars, desperate to escape the onslaught, but Drew and I remained safe and relatively dry beneath the canopy of our tree. With the rain came a drastic drop in temperature. I found myself shivering in my thin t-shirt despite the fact that it was late July. Almost unconsciously I was leaning toward Drew, searching for warmth, only to find him doing the same. Our shoulders bumped, and we stayed like that, just barely touching, neither speaking. “I’m not as upset as you seem to think.” It had been a few minutes since either of us had last spoken, and the break in silence startled me. I turned to Drew curiously. I had no idea what he was talking about. He glanced to me, a quick, darting, sidelong look, before returning his gaze to the rain. “About Wayne, I mean.” I frowned, my mood darkening immediately. “I thought we were going out as friends.” “We are,” Drew hurried to assure me, “but I think you should hear this.” “Well I don’t want to.” It was a childish thing to say and came out far more angry than I had intended, but I didn’t care. It was one thing to hide my feelings from Drew but another completely to have to keep pushing him away. Our friendship came first, and I wasn’t about to jeopardize it for what could only be a fling. I shifted away from Drew and climbed to my feet, but didn’t go any further. “Maybe we should just go.” “Chip,” Drew said. I could hear him getting to his feet as well and took a step away from him. “Hear me out, will you?” “No.” I spun on him and was surprised to find that he was only a foot away. Shocked, I took a few steps back, out from under the canopy and straight into the downpour. I didn’t let that bother me. “I really don’t want to talk about this.” “Please?” He was practically begging now. There was a twinge in my chest, short but painful. He looked so... so sad... but I couldn’t do this. “No,” I said again. He was advancing on me now, so I continued to back step. I was walking in the rain, but that didn’t matter; I had gotten soaked the moment I stepped out from under the tree. “You don’t know what’s going on!” Drew called to me. He had stopped just short of the end of the canopy even though I continued to walk away. I could barely hear him over the sound of the rain. “You might think you do, but you don’t ” I shook my head. The rain was so thick that I wasn’t sure he could see the gesture. “Please,” I said, throwing the word right back at him, “can’t we just be friends?” It was getting hard to see Drew through the rain and rapidly encroaching darkness. He was just a blue and orange blur darting back and forth beneath the tree, combating the urge to stay dry with the need to go after me. Eventually the latter won and he darted out, his sneakers making wet slurping noises every time they left the grass. “Chip!” he yelled, but I was already turning away from him, walking toward the car with purpose. “Chip Wait Stop ” I kept telling myself that if I could just get to the car then this conversation would be over, as irrational as that was. I think Drew felt it, too, though, because soon he was right beside me, matching me step for step. “Just let me tell you one thing,” he pleaded. I quickened my pace, and Drew did the same, sliding once in the mud before regaining his footing enough to race up, overtaking me. He stopped just feet in front of me and reached out to take hold of my arms, keeping me in place. “Let go of me, Drew.” My voice was just above a whisper, but he was so close that even the rain couldn’t drown out my words. Drew ignored the request; his grip on my arms tightened, his words coming out softly, quickly. “Yes, we can be friends and only friends if that’s what you really want, but I need to tell you this first. That argument. The one Wayne and I had that first night in the bar – do you remember what I told Ryan about it?” “I remember that Wayne said you were being an asshole, which is exactly what you’re doing now.” “I know and I’m sorry, but–“ “No,” I begged, wrenching away from him. “I like what we have, Drew. I’m not going to risk it for–“ But then Drew placed his lips over mine, cutting me off. His lips were soft, cold and wet with rain. There was something sinfully delicious about being kissed by another man in public, even if there was no one around to see. It wasn’t like kissing on stage; that could always be explained away with a laugh. This was different. Better. Perfect. This all went through my head in a matter of seconds as the rain poured down around us. And then I was pushing Drew away. “No,” I said, one last time. I really was whispering now; I didn’t trust myself to speak any louder or say any more for fear of telling Drew how I really felt. I couldn’t. Too much was at stake. “You can’t tell me you don’t want this.” He was right; I couldn’t, so I didn’t say anything at all. Drew took my silence like an insult. Through the haze of the rain I could see his cheeks coloring. He stepped back, and though we were only a few feet apart, it felt like miles. I hated it, but it looked like I was finally getting through to him. “Come on,” he said, voice level and devoid of emotion. “I’ll take you home.” Chapter 8 When Drew said he would take me home he was actually referring to the hotel. I reflected on how quickly a place could become “home” as we drove back. Right now L.A. was where my friends were and the only place I wanted to be; home was quite a fitting description. I had plenty of time to think about it since neither Drew nor I said one word the entire ride home. Even after we parked and found our way to the elevator, we still didn’t speak. I contemplated during the ride up to the ninth floor that maybe I should have just had sex with Drew the other night when he’d offered. Perhaps then it would have been out of his system by now and we could go on like normal. I would have been crushed, but at least we wouldn’t be standing here in awkward silence, our newly formed friendship laying shattered in a puddle in the park. When we stepped out into the hallway we just stood facing each other for a few moments, neither knowing what to say. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore. “Look, Drew–“ “Chip, I–“ We had both started at the same time. Drew chuckled and I smiled in return. Suddenly this was far less awkward. “You go first,” I insisted. Drew nodded. The smile fell from his lips. “I just wanted to say that I’m sorry. I ruined things today. I really didn’t mean to, and... and I’m sorry.” Maybe this friendship wasn’t as broken as I thought it was; if we were both willing to work at it, then there would still be a chance. “Can we just forget the park ever happened?” I asked. “I still really want to be your friend. Let’s not let something stupid get in the way.” Drew frowned, and for a moment I thought he was going to object, but then he smiled ever so slightly. “Sure,” he said. Damn it. I was getting exactly what I wanted yet again, and it was killing me. I had to stop thinking this way, but every time Drew agreed to be “just friends,” I felt a more and more powerful twinge of disappointment. Common sense can really be a bitch. “Great,” I said, trying very hard to sound like I meant it. I nodded for lack of anything better to do. “Good. I guess I’ll see you on Saturday then?” “Right. Sure.” It was my last Whose Line taping for the year. There would be more in October, but I wasn’t to be a guest at those. It hit me then that it would most likely be the last time I saw Drew until the following summer. The thought left me feeling very empty. “Goodnight, Drew.” He gave me one last lingering, thoughtful look, and then nodded and turned to go. I watched him retreat down the hallway feeling more miserable than I could ever remember in my life. “What the Hell are you doing?” It was eight o’clock Saturday morning and I was seated across from Colin in the hotel’s restaurant, a chuck of waffle poised inches from my mouth. “Excuse me?” Colin just gave me a long-suffering look and took a sip from his mug of coffee. He had come to collect me a half hour prior, asking to have breakfast with me. I had wondered at that as well as the lack of Ryan, but now things were falling into place. Once he’d replaced the cup on its saucer, Colin leaned forward, elbows on the table as he searched my eyes. I could see concern and a certain amount of derision in his gaze. “Ryan wants to kill you, you know.” I heaved a sigh, a wry smile tilting my mouth as I lifted my glass of orange juice to my lips. “No, I didn’t know that,” I said once I’d swallowed. I was going for a sardonic sort of nonchalance, but the fear his words had provoked in me was undeniable. Getting Ryan mad at you was never a good idea. “Well, he does,” Colin asserted. He was still watching me curiously. “I thought you liked Drew.” Oh. Suddenly it all made sense. I could hear Ryan’s words from the party echoing through my head as clearly as though he were at the table with us now. ”...if you hurt Drew I'll kill you...”] If Drew had spoken to Ryan since Tuesday about what had transpired between us, then it would certainly look like I was toying with him. Even if Ryan was a goof on stage, he had a protective streak a mile wide when it came to his friends. If I were him, I’d want to kill me, too. “I do like Drew,” I told Colin. “I....” And now I could feel myself blushing. “I think I love him... but that’s exactly why I’ve been pushing him away!” When I had started speaking, Colin had gotten a happy, almost dreamy look about him, but sobered up as I finished. “That doesn’t make any sense.” “Think of it this way,” I said. “If you liked Ryan, but all he wanted was a fling, would you act on it?” Colin frowned, shaking his head. “Drew isn’t looking for a fling.” “What else could he be looking for? He’s still hung up on Wayne.” Colin sighed, exasperated. “If Drew was still ‘hung up’ on Wayne, then why did I have to listen to him go on and on about you to Ryan for two hours last night?” To be honest I had no idea; I was still unwilling to look past my own assumptions. Instead I smiled and answered, “So you’re just upset that Drew was taking up time that you would rather have spent making love to Ryan?” Colin’s eyes widened dramatically, and he sat up straight. For a moment I was sure that he was going to clam up; I could even see him just getting up and storming off, but instead he smiled, blushing embarrassingly. “No,” he chuckled. “I just want to know why we’re going through the trouble of getting you two together if you’re just going to sabotage it.” Colin leaned forward again, gazing at me earnestly. “Why are you fighting this?” “Well, Wayne–“ Colin gave a violent shake of the head. “Forget Wayne. Stop lying to me and tell me what’s really bothering you.” That last statement left me feeling very indignant. I opened my mouth, ready to argue that Wayne really was the problem, to even go so far as to tell Colin that he could take his insinuations and shove em’, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. It was true that Drew’s feelings for Wayne caused me a decent amount of hesitation, but it was not the be all and end all. I would gladly have pushed Wayne from my mind and gone for Drew whole-heartedly if not for one thing. “I’m not gay.” Colin just stared at me, understanding dawning in his deep brown eyes. “I see,” he said after a moment. I expected him to say more, but instead he just picked up his fork and continued to eat. Silence descended over our little table, and I had no choice but to continue with my breakfast as well. Not another word was spoken until the plates had been cleared away and our drinks were refreshed. Colin had begun to watch me again, both hands wrapped around his steaming mug. “Do you think I’m gay?” he asked suddenly. I wasn’t about to answer that. I had seen the aggravation deciding another’s sexuality could cause. “Because I don’t,” Colin continued when it was obvious I wasn’t going to speak. “Ryan is the only man I’ve ever been attracted to.” He was silent a moment, staring down into his cup with an unreadable expression. “Maybe that does make me gay. Or bisexual. Whatever. All I know is that I love him, and even if the whole world found out and shunned me for it, it wouldn’t matter because I’d still have Ryan.” He looked up at me then, quite serious. “Love has nothing to do with gender. It’s about finding someone who completes you.” “But what about sex?” I argued. “Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you want to see them naked.” “Of course not,” Colin agreed, “but when you love some... when you’re in love with them, then the anatomy doesn’t matter. It’s attractive to you because it’s part of their body. You want to make love because you want to give them pleasure. You want to be with them in every way possible.” It was the raw emotion in his voice that struck me speechless. I didn’t have to be a mind reader to know every word was spoken with Ryan in mind. “Don’t let labels dictate how you live your life,” he was continuing. “I did, and now I only see Ryan a couple months out of the year. I wouldn’t give Luke up for anything in the world,” he hurried to add, “but if I knew at twenty what I know now....” He let that sentence hang unfinished between us. For a few minutes we sat in silence. I had to digest everything he’d told me. He was right. I was being stupid. It didn’t matter than Drew and I were both newly single or that until now a real relationship with another man was the last thing I had wanted. If Drew and I were meant to be then we would find a way to make it work. There was only one problem. “Today’s my last day here,” I said. “Tomorrow I’m moving into my new apartment.” Rather than discourage Colin, my words seemed to please him. He grinned mischievously. “Everything is already taken care of. You just have to say the word.” “What?” I asked, grinning in confusion. Colin didn’t reply. He just lifted his eyebrows in question, still smiling that mysterious smile. “Well?” he prompted. This was it. I had to make the decision that could very well change the rest of my life. It was no contest. “Let’s do it.” Soon after we were making our way to the studio, just Colin and I. I assumed Ryan knew what was going on and had found his own way. Try as I did, I couldn’t get Colin to divulge any of their plan. The only thing he told me was to go on as if everything was normal. And to follow my feelings. When we arrived we were both hustled off to makeup and wardrobe. I didn’t see Colin again until shortly before the taping, and by then he had found Ryan and the two were caught up in deep conversation. There could have been an earthquake going on and it wouldn’t have fazed them. Instead I found myself talking to Wayne. He was still riding so high on Mandie’s pregnancy that I didn’t have the heart to bring up the Drew situation. Drew himself came into the green room only moments before we were to go on stage. I briefly considered pulling him aside to tell him how I felt, no games, just the truth, but the timing didn’t feel right. Even if it had, I had no idea how I would go about it, and besides, Ryan had sprung to his feet at the sight of him, gathering up Drew and leading him away before I had the chance to think it over. He did catch my eye, giving me a distant smile which I returned with warmth. After our latest discussion it would take something huge to convince him I wanted a relationship. Just moments later we were all on stage and the games had begun. From Colin’s words in the car I assumed they were going to try something during the taping, but over an hour went by and things played on as usual. Every once in a while I would steal a glance at Colin and Ryan out of the corner of my eye. Between each game they remained locked in discussion, huddled close, head bowed together, whispering frantically. Neither Drew nor Wayne seemed to pick up on it, though. I was starting to think it was all in my head when Scenes From a Hat was called. We all jumped to our feet with our usual amount of enthusiasm. I took my place next to Wayne, across the stage from Ryan and Colin. If the rest of us were enthusiastic, then Colin was downright glowing. He stood there, bouncing on the balls of his feet, all nerves and giddiness. His demeanor struck me as odd, and I felt a nudging in the back of my mind. There was something about this that seemed vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t wrap my brain around it long enough to remember. Then Drew was announcing the first suggestion, and we all looked to him expectantly. “If Ryan Stiles ruled the world.” All else left my mind as I focused on the game. Ryan came out and did something, but I paid it little mind, still trying to come up with something myself. Ryan went back among gales of laughter, and I stepped out. I stood, staring up at something over my head. I gave a little frown and jumped up, reaching out one hand to try and grasp something above me. Finally I gave a sigh and looked over to Wayne. “Could you give me a hand up? The doorknob is too high.” It was a play on Ryan’s height that the audience ate up. I went back to my place, and Colin came out, made a joke about Ryan’s shoes, and then we moved on. Drew sifted through the hat and pulled out the next slip of paper. “World’s worst documentary.” Colin immediately jumped back out and pretty much repeated his last bit about Ryan’s shoes. After that we all came out and did something; it was an easy one, but nothing matched Colin’s in the audience’s mind. The next suggestion was “Things you never want to hear your mother say,” and that marked the end of the innocent suggestions. It was another easy one where we all could have come up with at least half a dozen scenarios easily. I had gone out for two myself, and then watched on the sidelines, letting everyone else have a chance. As I watched, I found my gaze once again drawn to Colin. He was still bouncing ever so slightly, but rather than from enthusiasm, it now looked like he was growing impatient. He was waiting for something. I was positive. Then Drew called the next suggestion and something clicked. “If Drew had been slower on the buzzer during the Ravenous Boa Constrictor incident.” Drew’s eyes widened as he read the suggestion, a broad smile on his lips. His eyes shot up to Ryan and Colin eagerly. I think every eye on the set was on them. Wayne and I didn’t even bother to think of anything for it; this was their territory. Ryan gave a shake of the head and his eyes, oddly enough, went out into the audience. He must have found what he was looking for because he gave a sardonic little grin before stepping down from the Party Quirks step, latching onto Colin’s sleeve as he did so. I didn’t want to miss this, but my curiosity got the better of me. I quickly looked out in the audience myself, exactly where Ryan had looked. I can’t say I was surprised to meet Greg’s eyes. I remembered something then: a drunken vow made in the wee hours of the morning. They didn’t. Apparently they did if that exchange was any indication. As implausible as the idea of sabotaging the hat was, it certainly wasn’t impossible. If I had to guess, I’s have to say this was Greg’s suggestion. He had been there originally, but apparently it hadn’t been enough. I suddenly felt intoxicated as I swung my gaze back to the action on stage. I couldn’t wait to see what else they had planned. Ryan and Colin came to the center of the stage now. They looked lost for only a moment, wondering just where to begin. Then Colin looked to Ryan, smiling sweetly, and Ryan laughed. He could barely keep a straight face as he stuck his tongue out, waggling it seductively in a fair approximation of how he had done in that game of Let’s Make a Date years ago. Colin was giggling, too, but he nonetheless put on a convincing show of being very turned on. I doubt it was that hard. The female portion of the audience was going wild. There couldn’t have been many at all who had been there for the original game, and to see it live now must have been a thrill. Ryan was still doing the tongue thing, but the longer he did it, the harder it was for him to keep a straight face. Just when I thought he was going to break, Colin shot forward, placing both hands on either side of Ryan’s face, and kissed him. The force of it nearly knocked Ryan off his feet, but he pressed back against Colin, regaining his balance just in time. It was only a stage kiss, but it lasted longer than any I’d yet to witness. When they finally parted, the cheers were just about deafening. Drew hit the buzzer, but for a moment neither Colin nor Ryan moved. They just stood, grinning at each other. Drew pressed the buzzer twice more before they finally took the hint and left the stage. They played it off as part of the game, but I, for one, wasn’t buying it. The laughter died down and we all looked to Drew. Now that I knew the game was rigged, I felt a shiver of apprehension work its way under my skin. What if this was part of what the guys had planned to get Drew and me together? Sure, I had decided to go through with it, but not in front of an audience. I ended up sitting out the next suggestion (what really goes on backstage) sine I was too worried over what else might come up. Luckily I wasn’t needed. Wayne ended up going on stage, motioning for Colin to come with him. Not one to be outdone, Wayne pulled Colin into a kiss despite the other man’s reluctance. Suddenly Ryan bounded on stage and a “fight” ensued. After that Ryan came back out to do something that made fun of Drew and then we moved on. By this time I was wondering if Drew had picked up on the fact that something was amiss. There were far too many sexual suggestions, and most of them revolved around us. Normally there would be at least one topical suggestion, and quite a few that didn’t result in a big enough laugh to get on air, but not today. Drew called the next suggestion, however, and my concerns took a sudden, gut wrenching U-turn. “Confessions you always wanted to make to the other Whose Line cast members.” This was it. I met Colin’s eyes across the stage, my own wide with fear. He had finally stopped bouncing, only to grin innocently. That was what he had been waiting for. Fortunately Ryan had given him a little nudge, and they were descending the stage, giving me time to think. Unfortunately not one thought popped into my head. Instead I watched Ryan and Colin. Their bit was simple but funny. Once on the stage proper Ryan had mimed pulling off his hair as he told Colin, “You’re right. It is a toupee.” They were leaving the stage now, and I was still standing off to the side. I couldn’t do it. Not now. Not like this. I felt a sharp jab at my ribs and looked up, startled, to find myself caught in Wayne’s intense stare. “Go ahead,” he whispered to me. I shook my head. “I can’t.” He frowned. No one was going out and Drew looked like he was going to move on. With an exasperated groan, Wayne lay both hands on my back and pushed – hard. I went stumbling onto the stage gracelessly. Once I had regained my footing, my gaze shot immediately to Drew. He looked incredibly perplexed. His hand hovered over the hat, a yellow slip of paper between his fingers as he looked from me to Wayne and back again. Finally he let the paper fall and looked to me expectantly. When I had first staggered onto the stage, it had been accompanied by a good amount of laughter, but silence was quickly descending as I merely stood staring at Drew. The fact that I had been forced out there had not gone unnoticed, and now everyone wanted to know why. Had I not been so nervous, I’m sure I could have come up with something no problem, but as it was, all I could do was stare at Drew, the words I didn’t want to say to him playing through my mind like a mantra. I heaved a very deep sigh and closed my eyes, trying to regain at least a little composure. “Drew,” I said as I slowly opened my eyes. I took two long strides forward, bringing me to the edge of his desk. Drew had the strangest expression on his face, as if trying to prepare himself for a joke at his expense, but at the same time knowing that whatever I was about to say was deadly serious. I placed both hands on the desk and leaned forward, not because I wanted to whisper or hide my words from the audience, but because he had to know that this was no game. “I’m in love with you.” And before he had a chance to consider that, before I’d even let myself think, I leaned down and kissed him. It was soft, chaste, but it was no stage kiss. Ever if there was no tongue, just lips pressed against lips, it was so real that not even a casual observer could have mistaken it for just a joke. I pulled back after only a few seconds to watch Drew curiously. His eyes fluttered open. He was staring at me, blinking slowly, and then he lifted his hand– – and pushed the buzzer. I had no choice but to return to my place next to Wayne. That was it. We’d always joked about being “buzzed out” before, but now that it had actually happened, no one on was laughing. That one simple gesture had me feeling more like I wanted to cry. Wayne placed a hand on my back to let me know he was there, but I shrugged him off. I didn’t want pity. I could hear the murmur of the crowd as Drew tried to continue the game. There had been a smattering of laughter, but for the most part they just seemed confused, almost indignant. I looked across the stage to Ryan and Colin. They were both frowning at Drew. Ryan in particular looked like he wanted to march right over to the desk and have a few words with him, but he didn’t. We were professionals, after all, so when the next suggestion was called we all wiped our faces clean of any negative emotion and continued with the game. I couldn’t meet Drew’s eyes for the rest of the taping, but at the same time I couldn’t keep my eyes off him. I knew that in time things would go back to normal despite this rejection. It would be uncomfortable for a while, but we had yet to go past the point of no return. We would be okay... but it still hurt. I daresay I deserved it what with all I’d put him through. The mood lightened considerably as we went from game to game. I watched as Drew giggled over Ryan’s antics and as he struggled to come up with a decent hoedown. Part of me wished I had just kept my mouth shut, but a larger part of me was glad I had gone through with it. Even if it didn’t work out the way I’d hoped, I’d faced up to my fears. I wasn’t running from them any more. I had more or less come out in front of hundreds of strangers, quite possibly thousands more if that little scene ever made it to air. Time continued to tick by, and the world kept turning, and I would be okay. So it was that I wasn’t nearly as miserable as I’d expected to be by the time the taping was over. Ryan and Colin ran off to talk to Greg the second the cameras were off, leaving Wayne and I to head back to the dressing rooms by ourselves. Wayne was shooting me sidelong glances as we made our way down the hall. Just when I couldn’t take it anymore he asked, “Hey, are you okay?” It took me a moment to answer that, and when I did, I was smiling, bright and genuine. “Yeah. I am.” “You know, I wouldn’t give up on him yet if I were you.” I shrugged, but didn’t reply. Even if I accepted my fate, it was all still too fresh in my mind to keep up a happy demeanor for long. Wayne slung one arm around my shoulders and gave me a brief, sideways hug. “Really. Don’t give up. It took me forever to get him to come around, and I think he cares more about you than he ever did about me.” “I don’t know.” “So depressing,” Wayne said with a smile. He gave me one last squeeze and then drew away, moving off to his own dressing room as we had just arrived at mine. He unlocked his door, a few down from my own, and then turned to me again. “Are you going out with us tonight?” “I don’t think so. I have packing to do.” Wayne nodded, but I doubt he believed the excuse. “Well, don’t run off right after you’ve changed,” Wayne said. “I want to talk to you.” I knew that he would just make another attempt at comforting me or possibly even try to get me and go out with the guys anyway, neither of which I wanted to deal with, but I decided I’d stay anyway. There were things I wanted to tell him, too. I needed to thank him for the past couple of weeks. Even if they had been rough at times, they were still two of the best, not to mention eye opening, weeks of my life. But once I’d changed and gathered up my belongings, Wayne was nowhere to be found. He wasn’t in his dressing room, so I went off to see if either Ryan or Colin knew his whereabouts... but they seemed to have disappeared as well. It took me almost ten minutes, scrounging about the studio, and I was just about to give up when I ran across them. Ryan, Colin, Wayne and Greg formed a little group half way down a hallway in the depths of the studio. They were all talking animatedly and looked to be having quite a good time just standing there. I felt bad about breaking up the party, but I really did want to talk to Wayne. “Hey,” I called, raising my hand in greeting once I’d gotten their attention. They looked startled at first, but then identical wolfish grins adorned each other their faces one by one. I had begun to walk toward them but stopped, wary of the picture they made. “We were just going to come get you,” Wayne said as he advanced toward me. Something strange was going on here, but I couldn’t tell exactly what. Wayne finally got to me and wrapped one hand around my forearm. “Why don’t you join us?” “Actually, I wanted to talk to you alone,” I protested, though I gave very little resistance as he steered me further down the hall toward the group. I could hear a pounding. I thought it was all in my head, but the closer we got to the others, the louder it grew. No one else seemed to hear it, or perhaps they were just ignoring it. Either way, the oddness of the situation was starting to get to me. I paused, still half a dozen feet from where the other three stood. At my hesitation, Colin stepped forward to take my other arm. Something was definitely wrong, but I felt no fear. These guys were my friends; they wouldn’t hurt me, right? With just the slightest amount of force, Colin and Wayne had me moving forward again. I looked curiously to Ryan and Greg, and that’s when I noticed it. Ryan was standing in the dead center of the hall, arms crossed, still wearing that disturbing smile. Greg, however, was leaning against the wall – no, wait, not the wall – against a door that I hadn’t seen before. The pounding was louder than ever and... was someone yelling? “Guys...” I said slowly, careful to keep a smile on my face. “Where’s Drew?” “Oh, he’s around,” Greg replied. “Why? Did you want to talk to him?” I shook my head vigorously, but the gesture went utterly and completely ignored. The others were talking amongst themselves now as though I weren’t even there. I could vaguely make out the words, but my entire being was focused on that plain grey door, and the little plaque beside it that read “Janitor’s Closet,” so I had no idea who was speaking. “Do you think he wants to talk to Drew?” “I think so, don’t you?” “Oh, yeah. Colin?” “Definitely. We should let him talk to Drew.” “Why don’t we let him talk to Drew, then. Greg?” “My pleasure.” And before I even knew what was happening, Greg had stepped away from the door. He flung it open, and Colin and Wayne shoved me inside. I caught a fleeting glimpse of Drew’s wide, startled eyes before the door slammed shut behind me and everything went black. In the back of my mind I registered the sound of a key turning in a lock and a bolt sliding home, but I was far more interested in the warm body I had collided with, the one that was currently pressed against me in the very confined space. For just a moment everything was still. I had put my hands up instinctively to break my fall, and now they were resting on Drew’s chest. I could feel the rapid beating of his heart beneath my palms. And then Drew started yelling. He shoved me to one side and resumed his attack on the door. “Greg! Ryan! Let us the Hell out of here! Now!” I could hear the others talking, their voices muffled. “Hey, Greg, do you hear something?” That was Ryan. “No, I don’t believe I do.” “It’s probably just rats,” Colin put in. Suddenly Wayne piped up. “Hey, who wants to go out for a drink?” There was a chorus of enthusiastic agreement and then the slowly fading sound of footsteps as they retreated down the hall. Drew continued to pound on the door, the deep thumping resonating throughout the closet each time his fist made contact with the thick wood. I wasn’t any happier about this than he was, but I could see it wouldn’t get us anywhere. More likely it would result in Drew hurting himself and prolonging our captivity. “Drew,” I said, laying one hand on his shoulder, and then louder when he showed no sign that he had heard me. “Drew! Stop it! They’re gone.” He continued to hit the door for a few moments and then suddenly stopped. His shoulders slumped beneath my hand as he let out an audible breath. “Shit.” My eyes were adjusting to the darkness, but as the only source of light was the thin band beneath the door, I could still only make out the vaguest outline of my surroundings. Shelves stood just behind me filled with light bulbs and Windex. Drew was leaning against the door now, his head pillowed on one upraised arm. “Drew?” I said very quietly. “I’m sorry.” “Sorry?” He turned to me slightly, but I couldn’t make out his expression. I doubt he could see much of me either. “You don’t have anything to be sorry about. It was those jackasses that locked us in here.” “Yeah, but...” Here I hesitated, unsure of how much I wanted to confess. After a moment I decided that I might as well go for it, spill it all; I didn’t have anything left to lose. “They were doing it for me.” Drew laughed in disbelief. “You asked to be locked in a closet?” “Well, no, but... damn it... Drew... I meant what I said on stage today.” Drew was quiet for a very long time. He was still half turned toward me, not moving. In the silence that followed, I could hear my own harsh breathing. It was disturbing. I just wished he would say something, anything. I could deal with rejection; Hell, I was expecting it. I no longer cared. I just wanted all the God damned games to end. I was sick and fucking tired of the confusion and the guilt. One way or the other this needed to end now. “Drew? Are you listening to me?” He still said nothing, just remained as he was, frozen. “Drew! God damn it, Drew, I’m in love with you!” Without thinking I had reached for him, gripping his shoulders and spinning him toward me. My heart was pounding in my ears, blocking out all else. Up close I could finally make out Drew’s face. His lips were drawn in a tight, thin line; the whites of his wide eyes gleamed as he trembled beneath my hands. Startled, I let go of him. I had expected indifference or sorrow, but certainly not this. The pounding in my ears abated ever so slightly, and I could just make out the shallow pants issuing from Drew’s parted lips. He was either very scared or very, very angry. “Drew?” I said for the millionth time, quiet now, questioning. “Stop it.” It came out low, gravely, as if from the mouth of a stranger. “What–“ I started, but Drew cut me off immediately. He practically screamed, “Stop it!” I stepped back, instinctively wanting to protect myself, to get away, and I ended up bumping into the shelf, sending light bulbs in all directions. They shattered against the walls and at my feet, tinkling in eerily melodic waves. None of this registered until much, much later, however. I was too focused on Drew, on his lips pulled back into an ugly snarl, his fists clenched at his sides. “Stop it,” he said one last time. Now his voice was cold, deadly. I suppressed a shiver, overtaken by the loathing and the promise of pain the words delivered. “Just shut up, Chip. I don’t want to hear it.” “I....” What the Hell do you say to that? Apparently nothing if the way Drew’s eyes narrowed at that one word was any indication, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. “It’s true,” I told him. “I love you.” And now Drew was laughing, bitter and beautiful. “Why are you doing this?” There was something going on that I was completely unaware of. “What am I doing?” “Don’t fuck with me,” Drew snarled. “You know how I feel, so why are you playing with me like this.” What? This wasn’t making any sense. “I’m not playing, Drew. It’s true. I swear.” “That’s bullshit!” Drew yelled. “All week you’ve been pushing me away and now you suddenly love me? I don’t buy it, so just stop.” His voice had grown steadily quieter as he spoke, so that it was now just above a whisper. “Please. Just leave me alone.” Oh. Oh, God. I knew my actions had been confusing, but I’d also assumed that today’s confessions had cleared things up. It’d only made it worse. But hadn’t he been playing with me, too? I know Colin had argued otherwise, but there was still Wayne... wasn’t there? I may have been using him for an excuse not face up to my own fears, but that didn’t mean Drew wasn’t still rebounding. The only way to fix this was to tell the truth. All of it. “Yeah, I was fucking with you,” I told Drew. The sorrowful look he had obtained snapped away as quickly as it had come. He was glaring at me with sheer hatred. “I was teasing you, kissing you, wanting you, and then pushing you away.” Drew opened his mouth, and I could imagine the tirade of curses he would bestow upon me, but before he could utter a word, I placed two fingers over his mouth, silencing him. “And I’m sorry.” He still looked very angry, so I continued. “I wasn’t thinking about how I was making you feel because I was too scared to admit what I felt. I’m in love with you, and I’m having a hard time accepting that. And, of course, there’s Wayne.” I was silent a moment, collecting my thoughts, trying to figure out a way to make Drew understand, make him believe me, but I never got the chance. Drew’s hand flew up, knocking mine from where it still rested against his mouth. “You idiot,” he snarled, taking one step forward so that we were toe to toe. He got right in my face, so close, in fact, that our noses actually bumped. “There is no Wayne. That’s over.” “But you–“ “But nothing. I tried to explain this before, but you wouldn’t let me. Well, you’re not getting out of it now.” Drew took a deep breath. His eyes were still wide, hard but more intense that angry. “Do you remember that conversation you overheard in the bathroom? I said that Wayne was angry because he thought I wanted you, and I also said that it was all a misunderstanding.” He paused, searching my eyes. “Well I lied.” Drew was breathing very heavily now and looked down, no longer able to meet my eyes. I could taste his breath, delightfully minty from far too many Altoids. “When I came into Mackenzie’s room the night of the party,” he continued, “I wasn’t looking for Wayne. I was looking for you. I love Wayne, but even before we got together, when Wayne was still pushing me to just forget everything else and see what it would be like, there was someone else on my mind. I don’t want to say that I used him, because that’s not it at all. If things had been different, I would have spent the rest of my life with him. But they’re not. He helped me to figure a lot of things out, though, and gave me the desire to go for what I really want.” Drew looked at me then, so beautiful and earnest in the half light. His gaze was open, but demanding. “So now you know,” he said in a harsh whisper. “There’s no Wayne. There’s nothing in your way. What are you going to do?” And I couldn’t take it anymore. Even as the question was leaving his lips, I was closing the distance between us, gathering him in my arms. He was pliant, willing beneath my palms, leaning into me as our lips touched. By now we had already kissed a half a dozen times, but it was as though it was the first time. I could kiss him without reservations, without thoughts of Wayne looming over us or the fear I had been so irrationally clinging to. It was the first time I wasn’t going to push him away. I think he realized this the same time I did because as soon as the thought crossed my mind, Drew purred deep in his throat. He used his weight to press me back, turning us so that I bumped into the cold concrete that was the wall of the closet. The difference between the near freezing rock at my back and the searing heat of Drew on my front was incredibly erotic. His hands had been cradling my neck, but now they moved, slithering down my sides to tug at the hem of my t-shirt. Soon his cool, soft fingers were tickling my stomach. I moaned in response, breaking out of the kiss to whisper, “I love you.” “I love you,” he returned, smiling against my lips. “I have for a long time.” And then we were kissing again and I couldn’t believe there was ever a time I didn’t know I wanted him. We were all hands and thoughtless passion, each exploring every inch of the other’s body as though we’d never again have the chance. For some reason an image of Drew high up in the maple tree that first day in the park flashed through my mind. I could see him clearly, eyes alight, barefoot and wistful as he looked out over the surrounding fields. I think that was the exact moment I had fallen in love with him; I just didn’t know it then. I stopped my exploration of his body to wrap Drew in a tight hug, kissing him with a renewed vigor. Light suddenly filled the tiny room, blinding us after the near blackness. Drew pulled back and we both turned toward the door, blinking owlishly as we waited for our sight to adjust. Ryan, Colin, Greg and Wayne were all crowded into the doorway grinning like fools. I had the presence of mind to blush when I realized that Drew and I were still tightly wrapped around each other. “I was going to ask if you two wanted to come out,” Ryan said, “but if you’re busy...” I could see Drew smirking out of the corner of my eye. He squeezed me affectionately and laughed. “Asshole.” Five Months Later Winter in Vancouver was a frigid, horrid affair. It was maybe a thirty second walk from our rental car parked in the driveway to the front door, but even bundled in the thick, bright red coat I’d borrowed for the trip, I was still shivering when we reached the stoop. “Ring the bell,” Drew said, setting down his suitcase and adjusting his hold on the cardboard box he carried under one arm. It was filled with bottles of beer we had picked up at a liquor store between here and the airport. I had scoffed at the plebeian gesture, but Drew had merely shrugged off my complaint with a simple, “At least it’s not fruitcake.” Still, I had at least convinced him we needed a bottle of champagne to go along with it; after all, the occasion called for nothing less. “You ring it,” I shot back, burying my hands deeper in my pockets to accentuate my argument. “If I take my hands out I’m going to get frost bite.” Drew laughed and shook his head, but reached around me to press the doorbell anyway. “You southerners can’t take the cold,” he chuckled. “And you northerners are too dumb to live where it’s warm,” I replied with a smirk. We stared at each other for a minute, both grinning challengingly. Drew was the first to break the silence. “Did you need me to warm you up?” he asked. He lifted one gloved hand to trail up the length of my coat, stopping to play with the zipper at my throat. “Open that before we get inside and I’ll kill you.” But the threat was weakened considerably by the obvious desire in my voice. “Did you two want to come in or were you just going to have sex in the snow?” Drew and I turned in unison to see Colin standing in the open doorway. He had his arms crossed over his chest, which was covered in a thick, light blue sweater that looked very comfortable, but more importantly, very warm. “Let me in,” I nearly begged. Colin moved out of the way just in time; I barreled past him, practically running to get into the luxurious warmth of the entry way. In no time Colin had taken our coats and luggage, thanking us for the alcohol and assuring us that he would take care of it. Then he pointed us in the direction of the living room and the rest of the party. We were two of the last to arrive, if not the last. I spotted Brad, Greg and Jeff conversing by the fireplace. Ryan was busy talking to some of his and Colin’s friends from Second City. As soon as he noticed us, Ryan waved Drew over. I watched Drew cross the room with a smile on my lips. It was four days after Christmas, and we all had converged for a combination housewarming/New Years party. There were only maybe a dozen of us now, but that number would double at least on the 31st. For now, it was just a very small group of close friends celebrating the beginning of Colin and Ryan’s lives together. Ryan had once told me that he was thinking about leaving his wife for Colin, but I don’t think he ever planned on going through with it. Not, that is, until she happened to come to the studio unannounced maybe two months ago, only to discover her husband naked and sweaty over top his best friend before a taping. The infidelity made the divorce and still waging custody battle a living nightmare, but now was not the time to dwell on that. Ryan and Colin had just barely finished moving into their new home and were eager to forget about real life for a while and just enjoy the company of their friends. “Hey, stranger.” A hand on my shoulder pulled me from my reverie. I looked up into Wayne’s dark, smiling eyes. Just over his shoulder I could see Mandie perched on the arm of the couch talking with Colin. At six months pregnant she was just barely showing, and she looked absolutely radiant. “Hey yourself,” I greeted Wayne, pulling him into a half hug. It was quick, but heartfelt. “How are you?” “I’m great,” he replied. He seemed to be glowing just as much as his wife. I couldn’t wait to see how thrilled he was once the baby was actually born. “How about you?” It was a simple question, but absolutely layered with meaning. He threw a look past me to where Drew and Ryan were still talking. I followed his gaze, my smile widening. I couldn’t even remember frowning in the past five months. “Good,” I said. I was still watching Drew. Even now I was still enamored with everything about him from the way his eyes lit up when he smiled to the way every movement was succinct, meaningful. I turned back to Wayne. “Really, really good.” “I’m glad.” I could hear the sincerity in his voice, see it in his eyes. Suddenly he stepped back, arms swinging wide. “Isn’t this great?” he called, loud enough to get everyone’s attention. He looked around, catching Colin and Ryan’s eyes in particular. “Isn’t this just how things should be?” There was a general murmur of agreement from the group at large. I looked around to see every last person grinning from ear to ear. Colin and Ryan were gazing at each other across the room, looking so happy that it was infectious. “Now that everyone’s here, we should really get the party started,” Greg shouted, standing. “Everyone grab some booze and let’s get plastered!” There was an answering laugh at his words, but it really did sound like a good idea. Colin, ever the gracious host, soon had every last guest (save Mandie) with a bottle of beer or a glass of wine in hand. Light jazz spilled forth from the speakers just loud enough to add to the ambiance without obstructing conversation. I caught up to Drew in the kitchen as he was cracking open a beer. “This is perfect, isn’t it?” I didn’t specify exactly what I was talking about, but I found I rarely had to when it came to Drew. “It is,” he agreed. In unison, we turned to look at Ryan and Colin through the wide doorway. They were standing off to the side of the party, leaning against one wall, deep in conversation, twin smiles on their lips. Just the sight of them left me feeling insanely giddy. I lifted a hand out to Drew, and he took it without hesitation, entwining our fingers. I gave the slightest tug and he came to me, pressing his lips to mine in a chaste kiss. He tastes like beer and Altoids, a taste I had come to associate with him, and I loved it. We smiled at each other for just a moment, and then he nodded toward the living room. “Come on.” Hand in hand we went out to join our friends. “A toast!” Drew cried, raising his bottle of beer. Conversation paused as one by one, each person mimicked him. I held my own glass aloft, watching Ryan and Colin. Ryan had wrapped one arm around Colin’s waist, and they stood there, holding their drinks high as they waited for Drew to continue. Everything about this was inspirational, from the ease of that one gesture to the fact that they could express such affection in front of their friends without fear of scorn or ridicule. I thought back to only six months ago and was amazed at all that had come to pass. “To love,” Drew said. Sure, it was sappy, but not one person was laughing. We all knew what it had taken for Ryan and Colin to come this far. “To love,” we all echoed. We drank deeply, cheering when Ryan and Colin shared a kiss in its wake. I met Drew’s eyes over the rim of my wine glass. Here, surrounded by my dearest friends, warm and safe while snow drifted down from the heavens outside I knew that I was exactly where I belonged. End 07/31/05 - 10/02/05