Title: Letting Go Author: Cae Pairings: Colin/Ryan (past), Ryan/Greg (implied) Rating: PG Summary: Told from Ryan's POV. This probably, barely fits the biography, but it jumped into my head as soon as I saw the prompt and wouldn't leave. Disclaimer: Making no money or presumptions. Tis fiction, pure and simple. Warnings: Angsteroo and AU. Probably complete and utter bollocks too. As i've mentioned before, angst isn't really my forte. This place has become so familiar to me, probably more so than my own home. Yet there's nothing really to it. A ratty old bar, peeling wallpaper, a peculiar and, as yet, unidentifiable, smell in the bathroom. I love it though. I love it because it means I’ll be seeing him again. The old guy behind the bar grants me his usual suspicious glare as he serves me and I make my way to our usual table. I place his beer opposite mine, knowing he'll be here soon. Always the same time, always the same place, always the same day. And, as usual, my stomach twists itself into a tense knot; half believing he won't show this time. I close my eyes and lean back against the booth-seat, I won't take my first sip until he's here. I sometimes think, in my darker moments, that it's a seriously fucking unhealthy way to live. I only meet up with him once a year and I spend the rest of my crapped up existence waiting for it. Waiting for our time. He's here. I smile my relief, but I don't open my eyes yet. "Hey Col" I whisper. "And how did you know it was me?" He chuckles, seating himself opposite me. "I'd know your scent anywhere" I sigh. "It always makes me hungry." "Like bacon frying?" "Like opium." "Ah! I give you the munchies" he winks. "You always did." "I guess we never had a problem there, huh." "No" I smile. He leans back into his seat, crossing his legs and resting his clasped hands comfortably on his knee. I know what's coming. "You've lost weight" he mutters, frowning at me like a mother scolding her child. I can almost feel his gaze poking me sharply in my ribs. "Maybe I just grew taller." "I don't think it's physically possible for you to grow taller" he smirks. "Maybe I'm lying then." "Well, that would explain your nose." "Fuck you" I laugh, "Or do you want me to start on your shiny baldness?" He simply smiles softly at me, a sight that never fails to take my breath away. "How have you been?" I sigh heavily. "Ah, you know." "No, that's why I’m asking." "Working, thinking about you" I reply honestly. "Ryan..." It's his turn to sigh now. It makes him uncomfortable when I tell him how much I miss him. Yet he still asks, knowing what I’m going to say. He stills meets me here every year, knowing what I’m going to say. Time for my 'surprise' I guess. "I met someone" I blurt out, before I lose my nerve. His eyebrows rise at that. Small satisfaction mixes with the concrete dread in my stomach. After all these years, I can still surprise him. "Well...." He can't mask the slight disappointment in his voice and that makes me angry. Angry at him, anger at the guilt I feel. "Well you told me I should move on!" I point out, accusingly. "You told me that I was missing out! You told me..." "That I can't move on until you do." "I don't see why I have to go first, seeing as you're the one who left." "Ryan, I didn't...." "I know." It's a conversation I don't want to have. My throat hurts just thinking about it. "Okay" he concedes. "So, what's his name? What's he like?" "His name's Greg, you'd like him. He's funny, smart, cute...." And here it comes, like a fucking tidal wave. All I can do is stand on the shore and wait for it to engulf me. "Ry, please don't. You can't keep doing this." His soft, concerned voice doesn't help to stem the flow; it just opens the floodgates wider. The all too familiar pain grips my chest and I wonder again why the Hell I keep doing this to myself. "I miss you" I whisper, the painful constriction in my throat won't allow anything more. "It won't stop, no matter how hard I try. I miss the way you smile, the way you touch me, the way you smell in the morning. So warm..." "Oh God Ry! This has to stop." "I know. I know." "Maybe....maybe now you've met someone...maybe now we should stop. Make this our last get-together." The thought of never seeing him again hits me like a punch to the gut and I can't bear it. "No! No, I can't...I need this Col. It's all I have." "It's not Ry. Not now." "How can you be so damn sure?" "You smiled when you said his name." That threw me a little. I hadn't noticed. "Are you in love with him?" "I don't know." "I think you are" he smiles. "It doesn't mean I need you any less." "It means that you have to let me go." I hate the part of me that know he's right. It's an enemy in my body, trying to deny me what I want. "I can't. Not yet. I'm sorry." His soft sigh dances across my face as he leans in and brushes his cool lips briefly against mine. His scent overwhelms me for a moment and my heart breaks again at the knowledge that this is all I will ever get from him now. "I'll see you next year" I whisper "Okay" he replies sadly. "I know I'm hurting us both Col and I'm sorry." "I know." "I love you." "I love you too Ryan." Even after all these years, I expect to see him sitting there when I open my eyes, but all I see is the empty space that he occupied in my head. I down my beer, leaving his to remain untouched. "I'll see you next year love" I whisper again, before making my way out of the bar and back into my life. Maybe it'll change, but these moments are still the only things that make it bearable.