Title: Just Tonight Author: Lorena Pairing: Ry/Col Rating: R Summary: This is a continuation of one line in my fic "Coulda Woulda Shoulda" - the one about the week before Colin's wedding. They're totally independent, too, but I like this as a companion to that. I guess this could also be construed as a response to the "Lust" part of the Seven Deadly Sins Challenge. ~~ I eschewed the traditional strippers-and-tequila bachelor adventure for a quieter, more intimate affair, where my friends and I just sat around and watched a hockey game. Ryan had volunteered his apartment, which is where we found ourselves relaxing with a few beers exactly a week before my wedding. Around three AM, everyone had cleared out with last-minute congratulations, leaving me alone on Ryan's couch, feet resting comfortably on his lap while he surfs through thirty different infomercial programs. We're both warm and content. And then suddenly he's looking at me, deadly serious, fumbling to light a cigarette. I sit up, a sinking feeling in my stomach telling me what he wants to say. "Col," he starts, breathing out a long drag. "I -" "Shh..." I say firmly. "If this is what I think, it requires something stronger than beer." He blinks, then stubs out his cigarette and stands, rummaging in the kitchen. "There's a bottle of Scotch here somewhere. I meant to open it tonight...or maybe after the reception..." I feel myself shaking at the word, realizing what it means. Shit. I'm getting married. To my vindication, his hands shake too as he pours two glasses. He watches patiently while I drink half of mine, and waits while it burns a vibrant path down my throat. "Colin. I...I wanted to tell you this. Because, you know, you should hear it. Everybody should, right? I mean..." "Just say it." "I'm in love with you." It's exactly what I had known he would say, exactly what I had been afraid of. "Ryan..." "I don't expect anything, Colin. I'm just telling you that, well, you know, you're loved. A lot." His hands aren't shaking anymore, and he hasn't touched his Scotch. His eyes are burning into mine, living green pain. "You deserve to be told." I can't find anything to say, any response to make. He's perfect in the half-light, and suddenly I'm tired of being good, tired of making all the right decisions and being responsible. I tilt my head back and finish off the Scotch, feeling oddly resolved. He just watches me, that shattered look still in his eyes, and waits. I kiss him. His lips are warm and open, his surrender absolute joy. I could kiss him forever; the woman I'm marrying fades away into the distance, and all that's left is the feel of him, the taste of him, more intoxicating than any of the alcohol I've just consumed. "Just tonight," I tell him earnestly, hoping he understands. "Tonight, Ryan." He nods eagerly, then takes control of the kiss, and by extension me, in a way I never expected. Not unpleasant, I discover quickly - it's all too easy to let go. His arms are warm and strong around me, pushing me down into the cushions of the couch. I feel a strange fluttering in my stomach as he pins my arms at my sides. Christ but he's beautiful like this, possessive, passionate. "Colin," he murmurs into my neck, licking a trail down to my collarbone, pausing only long enough to pull my shirt over my head. "God, Col, so fucking perfect." I shiver as he nips lightly at my shoulder, and whisper, "Too many goddamn clothes, Ry." His snort of laughter is muffled in my chest, but he stands and pulls me to my feet after him. "You sure you're okay with this, Col?" He sounds sincere, concerned. It would be too easy to fall in love with this soft voice, these bright eyes, this rough touch. I won't let myself fall, and for a second I reconsider what we're doing here. Just for a second though, until his elegant fingers brush against my cheek gently - there's absolute acceptance in his eyes. "It's okay, Col. I'll sleep on the couch." "Hell no," I snarl, grabbing his hand and heading for the bedroom. His tenderness has opened something in me I can't control - and I can't push him away at this moment any more than I can just stop breathing. His smile is radiant, and he follows me into the bedroom. I flick the switch on as we stumble into the room, and we both freeze for a moment - somehow, under the harsh lighting this feels more real than it did in the flickering TV light. "Ry?" I whisper, gulping in air. "What are we doing?" He steps closer, bending so our foreheads are touching. "Just tonight, Col." And suddenly it's easy. I tug my shirt over my head, watching him turn the lights back off as I start to unbutton my pants. "Here," he murmurs, sliding to his knees in front of me. "Let me do that." His big hands hold my hips still as he carefully unzips my jeans with his teeth. I'm shuddering, bucking under his hold until he finally reaches through the gap in my boxers to pull my dick to his mouth. He doesn't hesitate, swallowing hard all at once, and I'm lost completely. Before I have time to really enjoy it, though, he's leaning back, looking up at me. I can barely make out his expression in the filtered moonlight that's trickling in through the sheer curtains, but his voice is clear. "I want you to fuck me, Colin." I'm still aching with desire, and it takes a few seconds for that to penetrate - pardon the pun. When it does I jerk him to his feet and kiss him hard to cover how badly I'm shaking. What follows is an epic ten-minute search for something to use as lube and a follow-up search when the Jergen's doesn't quite cut it. Vaseline, it turns out, works pretty well, even though it leaves a sticky residue all over my hands. It isn't perfect or glamorous like the movies say it should be. There's no music, no fireworks. It's awkward and fumbling and fun, with Ryan's eyes laughing up at me the whole time, giggling and blushing like a couple of sixteen-year-olds as we learn each other for the first and only time. It's over way too fast, but the sun is rising outside and I'm lying here, inside the curved spoon of Ryan's length. I don't want to get up or face the day. I want to bury myself in him again, without the mistakes this time. I want to kiss him for the rest of my life. It terrifies me. He terrifies me. So I leave. It's almost too easy to do. Slide out from under his arm, pull my pants on quickly. Don't look back now, Colin, don't look back. Walk out the bedroom door quietly, careful not to wake him. Find my shirt draped across the arm of the couch, pull it on. Don't look back at the bedroom. Grab my keys off the coffee table where they're lodged between six empty beer bottles and Ryan's still-full glass of Scotch. Shut the door behind me, and don't think about what just happened. Don't think. It was just the night. Just once, that's all. It was for him, not for me. I didn't really enjoy it that much. It was for him. I'm going to marry Deb; I'm going to be happy with her. It's all bullshit, but I force myself to swallow it as I drive. "Stop thinking, you idiot," I snarl at myself. "It's over." It's over and I'm getting married and I'm not upset. I'm not upset, I chant to myself as tears stream down my face and I just keep driving, away from Ryan and how much I want him. It's over like it never happened. That's the key - like it never happened. Red light, and as I ease to a stop I shove Ryan out of my thoughts. It was just once. Just...just last night. ~Finis. Sorry if the end felt really jumbled, but that was the feeling I was going for, Colin being really disjointed and freaked out and trying really hard not to fall apart. Not sure it worked like I meant it to, but whatever.