Title: By Way of Sorrow Pairing: Ryan/Colin Rating: R Disclaimer: Not mine. Not trying to influence anyone either! :) Summary: This is inspired by the song "By Way of Sorrow". This is my first piece in awhile, and I still feel a bit off, so comments and criticism are encouraged. > By Way Of Sorrow (Julie Miller) (but in my head its being sung by Dar Williams, Lucy Kaplansky, and Richard Shindell) You've been taken by the wind You have known the kiss of sorrow Doors that would not take you in Outcast and a stranger You have come by way of sorrow You have come by way of tears But you'll reach your destiny Meant to find you all these years Meant to find you all these years You have drunk a bitter wine With none to be your comfort You who once were left behind Will be welcome at love's table You have come by way of sorrow You have come by way of tears But you'll reach your destiny Meant to find you all these years Meant to find you all these years All the nights that joy has slept Will awake to days of laughter Gone the tears that you have wept You'll dance in freedom ever after You have come by way of sorrow You've come over a stoney ground But you'll reach your destiny Meant to find you all these years Meant to find you all these years --------------------------- It had been raining all afternoon and was showing no signs of letting up any time soon. Ryan trudged through the alley, avoiding the deepest puddles but still ended up with wet socks by the time he reached the doorway. A few impatient knocks later and an overweight bald man opened the door to him. "Evening Derrick." Ryan said pleasantly as he slipped past him and out of the rain. Derrick acknowledged him with a nod of his enormous head and a slight grunt, but Ryan was unfazed. It never failed to brighten his day the moment he stepped through that door. This was his chance to shine, to be himself. It was here, a night or two a week, that he got to get up on stage and make people laugh. It was ironic really. He went through the rest of the week pretty much never being noticed, content to go about his life without leaving his footprint on society. But in here, it was different. In here, the world outside didn't exist. In here, there were no responsibilities, no one to disappoint, no father who wouldn't speak to him, no confusion, no reality. Here, amongst the writhing female bodies, Ryan felt he could hide, and shine, at the same time. That had been the final straw for his father too, that he would degrade himself to associate with strippers. He was sure that Ryan was sleeping with any one of them, and nothing he could say would dissuade him of that idea. Ryan inched his way through the club, winding though the tired, horny men who sat slumped in their seats, sipping their drinks and hungrily watching the women in front of them. Finding the bar, he slid onto a stool, only having to wait a few moments before a beer was settled in front of him. He took a sip, glancing at his watch, and then downed the rest in one big gulp. He hadn't realized how much longer it had taken him to get here on foot rather than the bicycle he normally rode. It wasn't that he needed the liquid courage to perform, but more that he enjoyed the burn in his belly, and it helped him to drown out the flesh that surrounded him. Oddly, in a way, it kept him pure. Hours later, Ryan sat at the bar, lost in drunken conversation with a strange but likable man. He'd come down from the stage, the euphoric rush of performance still loud in his ears, and slipped back onto a bar stool, taking little notice of anyone around him. He usually sat and had a few drinks until the high died down, then he'd see the manager, get his pay, and head out into the world again. "You are amazing." He was startled from his thoughts by the quiet voice next to him. He turned to find the owner of the voice, a young man with soft blonde hair and deep brown eyes, looking at him earnestly. Ryan grinned slightly in the man's direction and mumbled a thankful acknowledgement before turning back to his beer. Despite it all, Ryan had never lowered himself to actually talking to the patrons of the slimy establishment. "Seriously. I came here just to see you." The man was speaking again, the same quiet but engaging tone rolling over Ryan, slowly breaking his resolve to ignore the man. He turned again to face him, taking a moment to size him up again. He was probably as tall as Ryan, but somehow he looked softer and weaker, and despite the fact that the man probably had 30 pounds on Ryan, somehow he knew that he was not a threat. "Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it." Ryan delivered, watching the man sit quietly, seemingly thinking of the next thing to say. Finally the silence was too much and he had to break it. "I'm Ryan, by the way." "Oh, um, hi. I'm Colin." he said, accepting Ryan's outstretched hand and shaking it. And that was it. That simple introduction was all it took to open Colin up and start him talking. And strangely, Ryan enjoyed it. He was never really one for long conversations, but Colin somehow took all the effort out of it. He made it easy. Ryan felt like he'd known the man for years, a comfort level he'd never enjoyed with anyone. And he found himself telling Colin things he'd never told anyone else. He told him about his father, a good man, but so narrow minded. He'd explained how his father had stopped talking to him the day he'd come home announcing he'd dropped out of high school. But it hadn't stopped the man from expressing his distaste in Ryan's career choice, he just chose to do it by complaining to Ryan's mother right in front of him, as if he wasn't even in the room. To anyone else, Ryan would have put on a tough front and just said that his father could go to the moon for all he cared, that his approval wasn't important, but to Colin, for some reason, Ryan actually admitted how hurt he was. Something about Colin just opened Ryan up and exposed him. He'd even talked about Pat, and how he really did like her, but that something just didn't feel right about their relationship. They sat, still on their barstools, hours later, as almost all of the patrons had left the club, and the music cut off as the last woman left the stage. Ryan hadn't really noticed the time pass, but he felt an emotional exhaustion he hadn't felt in a long time. He had just told Colin his whole life, all of the pain, everything he was hiding from on the stage, and now, somewhere under the veil of alcohol, he was shocked to realize that a tear was rolling down his cheek as he admitted that he'd never really had a real relationship before. He tried to chuckle and dismiss it, reaching for his face to paw it away, when suddenly Colin's thumb was on his cheek, gently wiping the tear. He blinked at Colin, eyes darting from his outstretched hand up to his own eyes, and then back to his hand. He could still see the glisten of the shed tear, his tear, on Colin's thumb. His eyes met the other man's showing surprise and a little fear. "I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry." Colin mumbled as he rose from the stool and hurried for the door. Ryan sat, his jaw dropped open slightly, eyes wide as he watched the man rush away. As the door slipped shut behind him, Ryan reached up and gently touched his cheek, his fingers touching the same skin that still burned from the other man's touch. ----------- Colin tossed and turned, kicking the sheets away and leaving himself exposed to the brisk air in the old apartment. He tried to think of something, anything, that would make him forget what he'd just done, but nothing came. He had just fallen in love, and ruined it, all in one evening. He'd found this amazing, funny, and sweet, but broken man, and he'd just added to it, added to Ryan's pain and hurt, and all he could do in the end was run away and hope that they could both forget it. But he knew he couldn't. He knew that his life had changed, that he wanted to take Ryan and take away all of his hurt, be his rock. He wanted to save him. He lay alone in the dark, cold room, and cried himself to sleep. _____________ Ryan kept reaching up and running his fingertips across the spot on his cheek. He swore that if he looked in a mirror, there'd actually be a burn there, but of course, there wasn't. He'd never felt anything like Colin's touch. Sweet, hot, loving, compassionate.......all in one brief moment. He'd been stunned, unable to speak, unable to stop Colin from running out the door, out of his life. The next few days were like living in a cloud for Ryan. He couldn't remember when he woke up or when he went to bed, or really, anything he did in between. He spent his nights lying alone in the dark, thinking of Colin, wondering what he had done to offend him. Colin was the first person he'd ever met who made him feel accepted, even loved. In those brief hours in the club, he had opened up his life more to Colin than he had ever done to anyone else. He'd never left himself so naked and exposed before, never trusted anyone so implicitly. But Colin threw it all away and Ryan couldn't help but assume he'd done something wrong to drive him away. He'd fallen in love that night, and again, as always, he was hurt. He lay alone, in the dark, cold room, his large hand sliding over his erect cock roughly, Colin's name on his lips as he reached release, tears streaming down his cheeks. ----------- Ryan ran down the alleyway, dodging the fat rain drops that fell with increasing frequency from the early evening sky. He slipped into the shelter of the doorway to the club, leaning back against the wall for a cigarette. Inhaling deeply, he closed his eyes, blocking out the world for as long as he could. Finally he tossed the butt to the ground, took a deep breath, and opened the door. He hadn't been back in the club since that night, so many weeks ago, the night he'd met Colin. He'd like to say that he'd forgotten about that night, that he still didn't feel the burn of the other man's touch, didn't feel that ache of being rejected yet again. He'd like to say that he hadn't been thinking of Colin every moment that had passed since that night. He'd like to say that, but it would all be a lie. He was consumed with thoughts of him. He had stopped eating, started smoking incessantly, and had even stopped seeing Pat altogether. What was left was a hollow shell of the man who had graced the stage just a few weeks before. ---------- Colin hid in the back of the club, lost in the shadows, nursing a watered down drink. He'd debated for days about whether to come or not, finally deciding that he just needed to see the man's face for one night. One last glimpse to last him a lifetime. At last Colin's desires were answered as Ryan trudged onto the stage. He sat back, excited to catch the glimmer that had first lit up his heart, but he was shocked and saddened to see instead the dead eyes that slowly scanned the crowd before glazing over as he began his monologue. Colin's breath caught as his heart screamed for him to go to Ryan, to help him, to save him. And before he knew what he was doing, his feet had carried him several steps forward, out of the shadows and into the harsh, cheap light of the club. He froze as he caught Ryan's eyes with his. He watched the emptiness change to pain, anguish enough that it propelled Colin forward a few more steps, and then slowly to pleading. It was the pleading look that stopped Colin in his tracks again, and he swallowed hard, suddenly completely sure of what he needed to do. Ryan needed him. Colin ran to the stage, grabbed Ryan by the hand, and drug him down and out the door, the sound Derrick yelling at them both the last thing he heard before the door slammed behind them. ---------- "Shhhhh. Don't say anything." Colin stammered quickly, knowing that if he stopped to think for even a moment, he'd be unable to continue. He'd stopped even trying to read Ryan's eyes, happy that the larger, and obviously stronger man was still with him at this point. "I just need you to listen. I need you to hear. I haven't stopped thinking about you for even a moment since that night. I'm so sorry if I scared you. I'm so sorry if I was, if I am wrong, but the I fell in love with the man I met that night. I fell in love with you Ryan. And you need to be loved. You need someone to lift your sorrows and carry the weight for awhile. I think I was meant to find you that night, it was your destiny too. I love you Ryan." And finally he stopped, took a breath, and looked into Ryan's eyes. Pools of green rimmed with tears, uncertainty, and a hint of love. "It's going to be okay now." Colin whispered, leaning in to kiss Ryan softly before putting his arm around the taller man and walking together down the alley, leaving Ryan's past behind and leading him into his future. fin 6/4/06