Title: Breathe Me Pairing: Ryan/Colin Rating: G/PG Disclaimer: I don't own crap! Summary: Song Fic based on "Breathe Me" by Sia. Darkness and solitude don't always breed peace and serenity. Breathe Me - Sia Help, I have done it again I have been here many times before Hurt myself again today And the worst part is there's no one else to blame Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me, I am small and needy Warm me up and breathe me Ouch, I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found Yeah, I think I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me, I am small and needy Warm me up and breathe me Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me, I am small and needy Warm me up and breathe me -- Colin awoke in the dark room. It was cool and quiet around him, but a loud storm raged in his head. It was the same storm he'd been fighting for weeks now, all the voices telling him the truth, the truth the others were too weak to say. It had been months since he'd had work. Months since Whose Line had been canceled. And all those months had been taking their toll. It had been okay in the beginning. Whose Line had ended, but he was set financially and he had never really had trouble finding work, or at least something to fill his time. But the weeks went by, audition after audition, always rejected. Too old, too bald, too tall......it was always something. As time passed he found that he was going to fewer and fewer auditions, coming up with cheap excuses to justify it to himself, and also found that he was seeing fewer and fewer people in his life. Although he'd never been an extrovert, he'd usually made a point to at least keep up with his friends by phone, but no longer. Now he was content to stay at home, often not even stepping outside for days at a time. And then it happened. One night, after the sun went down, Colin didn't turn on a lamp. It seemed like nothing at first....sitting in the dark, enjoying the solitude and serenity of it.....he felt a peace he had been missing for awhile......so it only seemed natural to leave the shades drawn the next morning, shunning the light. But, as Colin was finding out, darkness and solitude had effects on man....and they weren't all good. Left alone with his thoughts, all the insecurities he'd managed to damp down for 40 odd years were bubbling to the top. He knew he wasn't funny, his mind left little room for argument when it came to that fact. What he was quickly learning, though, was that all the people he'd considered friends really weren't. They were simply people who tolerated him and coddled him, aware that he was nowhere near the caliber they demanded, but too polite to tell him. Why else wouldn't they have called on him by now? He certainly wasn't worthy of their friendship either. What did he have to offer them? He was a lost, broken man, and all he could do was sit in the dark and wait for it all to end. Colin's spiral into madness continued. Occasionally his thoughts drifted to Ryan. These were his only bright spots, remembering everything they'd shared over 20 years. Ryan and Colin had been connected by some unreal force, the force that pulled them together in the beginning and the force that allowed them to create magic together. He had fallen in love with Ryan long ago. The man was easy to love too. Warm, kind, always giving. They'd actually made a go of it too. Once, for a very short while, they'd tried taking their relationship to the next level. But, as it tends to do, life got in the way, and after only a few months, they ended things, opting instead for the deep friendship they'd nurtured for years. Thoughts of those magical months brought a faint smile to Colin's lips. But, as madness would have it, those few moments of peaceful thoughts were always followed by the worst of the storm. He would snap, suddenly realizing that not only did he not deserve to have those thoughts, but he would tell himself that Ryan had never loved him. He'd merely put up with him. He supposed that Ryan had enjoyed the sex initially, but had lost interest and that's how it'd ended. The friendship was never real. It was just a polite acceptance of someone, deciding it was easier to tolerate them than to figure out how to get rid of them. These thoughts were the only times where the screams of the inner storm broke out and shattered the silence of the house. -- Be my friend Hold me, wrap me up Unfold me, I am small and needy Warm me up and breathe me -- Colin awoke with a scream......Ryan's name on his lips. "Please Ryan, Please save me. Please. I need you." The tears were flowing freely. He so rarely cried anymore, but now he couldn't stop them. Wailing until he had nothing left, his eyes fell shut and he returned to sleep. -- Ryan had enjoyed his time off. In the months since Whose Line had been canceled, he had vacationed, remodeled his kitchen, read more books than he could count, and taken to late afternoon walks to watch the sun set. He hadn't been working, but it hadn't really mattered. He was pretty burnt out. It's hard to be funny when you feel like you've done it all before. He'd seen Drew a few times, gone to lunch with Greg once, but strangely, he hadn't heard from Colin. He hadn't tried to call either. Occasionally the thought had crossed his mind, but he'd always figured he'd do it later. But lately, the thoughts were occurring more and more frequently. He awoke in a cold sweat......Colin's name on his lips. He couldn't remember the dream, just the cold feeling that was burrowing in the pit of his stomach as he lay there in the dark. "Breathe me"......the words echoed through his mind. Ryan took a deep breath, pushed the words back, and closed his eyes, blocking all thoughts except for returning to sleep. His mind drifted easily, and he found himself thinking back to a time when everything was right. Years ago, Colin had admitted his true feelings, professed his love, and the two of them had easily fallen into a romantic relationship. Maybe too easily. Things were wonderful, but it just hadn't worked. Funny, Ryan couldn't even remember why they'd ended it. He remembered fondly, the feel of Colin's arms around him in bed, holding him, wrapping him up. God he missed that. -- The days went by, blending into each other, no one holding anything more than another. Colin no longer knew whether it was day or night. He ate, occasionally, but he'd definitely lost weight. He rarely allowed himself to think of Ryan anymore, knowing that what brief pleasure he might experience would lead to more pain than he could possibly handle. Even the empty numbness was better than the pain. As he drifted off, he saw Ryan, lying naked in his arms, sighing contentedly and murmuring sweet words of love. And just as suddenly as the vision had appeared, it was ripped away, tearing a hole deeper into his soul than he thought possible. "Ryannnnnnnnnnnnnnn", he moaned. This was it. He'd hit bottom. It was over. Colin rose from the bed and headed to the bathroom, pausing only to pick up the object that sat on the dresser. He turned on the bath, watched it fill, then stepped back, dropped his pants to the tile and slid into the bath. -- Ouch, I have lost myself again Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found Yeah, I think I might break Lost myself again and I feel unsafe -- Ryan awoke with a start.......Colin's name on his lips yet again. But this time he remembered the dream. He saw Colin lying in the tub, ghostly pale skin against the backdrop of the red water. As he sprung from the bed, Ryan realized he was crying. It took only a few moments before he was in his car, speeding off towards Colin's. He screamed and cried, trying to bite back the overwhelming fear that ebbed in his mind. He didn't even see the street in front of him, seeing only Colin's pale face, expressionless, surrounded by the dark fluid. He pushed the accelerator further to the floor and prayed for the first time in 30 years. -- The storm was finally quiet. Everything was calm and peaceful as Colin lay back into the water. He knew this was the right thing to do, the world didn't need him anymore. He closed his eyes, laid his right hand on the rim of the tub, palm up, and reached across with his left hand. Suddenly a pair of arms encircled his body and the blade dropped to the tile, it's sound lost in the desperate scream coming from Ryan's mouth. "Noooooooooooooooo" "Stop, oh dear God Colin. I love you, don't leave me." -- Colin looked so small and needy in Ryan's arms. He had arrived just in time, preventing the unthinkable, but he was left with a broken, lost soul, shaking in his embrace. Ryan didn't know what to do, didn't know what to say, only knew that he was never going to let go of him again. Time passed, it may have been an hour or only a few minutes, but finally Colin spoke. "Why are you here?" "Because you needed me." "You shouldn't have come. I'm tired of being a burden." Colin's face was pale and empty. "A burden? Colin, I love you more than I ever imagined possible. I have never thought of you as a burden. You are my life. I would be lost without you. I need you." Tears streamed down Ryan's cheeks. Colin lifted his eye's slightly, still not quite meeting Ryan's gaze. "You need....me?" "More than you will ever know." Ryan tightened his embrace, and then pulled back a bit. Colin's face registered fear at the loss of contact and his gaze returned to the floor. Ryan reached out, taking Colin's face in his hands and he leaned forward, kissing him softly, but rapidly deepening the kiss. At first, Colin couldn't return the kiss, his mind telling him it wasn't real, but as Ryan's lips pressed harder and harder to his, the love and passion overwhelmed him and he kissed back. Ryan's kiss continued with a mix of desperation, passion, love, and pain. The kiss erased everything. Eventually their lips parted, only separating enough to breathe. They stared into each other's eyes, breathed each other's breath, and realized the future. A future with a clean slate, with the only certainty being that Colin needed Ryan and Ryan needed Colin. fin (10/13/05)