Bashed By Kalimyre Pairing: Colin/Greg Rating: Um... let's go with R Summary: After a stunning attack, Colin deals with the aftermath, and finds help from an unexpected source. Author's Notes: Okay, I actually wrote this a long time ago, but then I got involved with Riven and everything that came after it, and I never really finished editing this. I'm posting it now in response to Allie's challenge about a pairing other than Ry/Col with one member having a secret from the other. Thanks to go xfphile for the quick and complete grammar beta, and to Shark for helping me write the story in the first place with her advice and suggestions. This was one of my earlier stories---be kind. * * * **The sound of his harsh breathing echoing in his ears Shooting pains from a dozen different places on his body Curling up, begging them to stop, helpless... "Please, don't, please, stop it, stop it---"** "Stop it!" Colin Mochrie sat bolt upright in bed, ready to cry out again. He swallowed hard and tried in vain to get his breathing under control. He was safely tucked into his own bed at home, but the fear from the nightmare refused to fade. //Quit it. Just calm down. It's only a dream. You're safe. Breathe slowly; you're giving yourself a headache. And... body aches. And... what the hell? Why does everything hurt?// Colin leaned over and switched on the bedside lamp, wincing as the light hit his eyes. He was startled to discover that he was fully clothed, shoes and all. The sheets were filthy with his grimy clothes: mud, and grease, and... was that blood? Slowly, he raised trembling hands to his face, which felt strangely stiff and painful. His fingertips traced over an unfamiliar geography of cuts and bruises. Colin got shakily to his feet, sucking a quick breath through his teeth as the movement sent stabbing pains along his side. He stumbled into the bathroom and slowly moved in front of the mirror, afraid of what he might see. His own face stared back at him, marred by a nasty black eye and heavily swollen lower lip. His eyes were wide and confused, holding a kind of dazed, shell-shocked expression. Driven by a morbid curiosity, Colin lifted his shirt and examined his badly bruised torso. He felt dizzy and disoriented, unable to remember what had led to his injured condition. //What the hell is going on here? How did this happen, and why can't I seem to remember anything? My head is spinning... What's this? Feels like a big lump on the back of my head. Well, maybe that's why I can't remember much. I think I was out last night... at that bar... and---// Colin's eyes widened and he doubled over as the memories returned in a rush. He barely made it to the toilet in time to lose the meager contents of his stomach. When he was done, he slumped back against the wall, trembling in reaction and trying to push away the images flying through his mind. But they refused to leave, and Colin found himself immersed in his memories. * * * * I'm walking down the street, on my way home. I'll admit, I'm a little tipsy, but I felt like relaxing a little. What the hell right, I've got nothing better to do right now. I've been going to that bar for years, it's right around the corner from my place, which is very convenient. The alcohol and the long day have left me bone tired, and right now all I want is to get home and fall into bed. "Hey, it's that guy! The one on TV." I can't help wincing a little when I hear this, because I'm pretty sure they're talking about me. Normally, I love to meet a fan, but sometimes it can be a hassle. Like now, when I'm tired and a little drunk. I keep walking, hoping they won't chase me. "Hey! Excuse me! Aren't you that guy?" No such luck. Should've known, some people don't take hints well. The guy calling after me doesn't look like the kind who has to take hints, or anything else for that matter. He's built like a gorilla, with about the same looks and intelligence from what I can tell. I paste a smile on my face and hold out my hand, resigning myself to this delay. "Hi, I'm Colin Moc---" "I know who you are." The guy isn't smiling like most fans do, and neither is his equally big friend. I start to feel just a little nervous when he cuts me off, especially since his tone is so… knowing, somehow. Almost derisive. He exchanges a look with his sidekick and gestures toward me with one meaty hand. "That's that one guy I was telling you about. The fag." My first reaction is shock, because no one is supposed to know about that except for close friends and family. As far as the American public is concerned, I'm a happily married man. Then I realize that this thug is just making the same assumption that so many people make, and *guessing* that I'm gay. Which is correct, of course, but he has no way of knowing that. I open my mouth to give him the usual line about the wife and kid, but he doesn't give me a chance to speak. "Yeah, him and that other one, the tall guy. They're queer for each other." They laugh like this is the cleverest thing they've heard all day. Probably is. I can't help a rueful little smile at their logic. Everyone assumes I'm gay, and they're right, but everyone also assumes Ryan and I are a couple, and that's where they're so dead wrong. Ryan is probably the most devoted family man I've ever met. I love him to death, of course, but only as a friend. He does like to play up the effeminate bit on stage, though---just to keep everyone guessing. I want to tell these two just how wrong they are, but I keep my mouth shut. The way they're looking at me is making me very nervous, and I think it would be best to beat a hasty retreat. I shake my head and turn to walk away. That's when the third guy grabs me from behind. "Where d'ya think you're going, you little homo?" His voice is a hiss in my ear, and I try to pull away. He's got me in a firm grip, though, and I'm obviously not going anywhere. He exchanges a look with the two goons in front of me, and I realize they're in this together. This whole thing feels so unreal; I'm having a hard time following it. This is the kind of thing that always happens to someone else, y'know? The kind of thing you read about in the paper, but assume will never happen to you. I can see people walking by not ten feet away, but to them we just look like a few guys having a talk and nobody pays us any attention. I open my mouth to yell something but the guy holding me clamps a dirty hand over my face and I only make a muffled sound. The first two close in, and they quickly drag me into an alley. Even now, I can't seem to wrap my head around this. Only a minute ago I was walking home, and now suddenly I'm here in a dark alley with three big men who don't seem very social. I don't know if it's the alcohol or the sheer pointlessness of their actions, but I can't seem to believe this is real. "Hey fag-boy, see how you like this!" The fist to my midsection is a harsh dose of reality and the fuzzy sense of confusion evaporates. I double over, gasping for breath, and look up in time to catch a left hook right in the eye. My vision is filled with white spots for a moment, and shooting pain races through my nerve endings. Everything is happening so fast, and I can't seem to think, much less defend myself. I lift my arms in a desperate attempt to ward of the blows, only to have the third guy twist them painfully behind my back. A fist swings in from out of nowhere and hits me squarely in the mouth. The salty taste of blood fills my mouth and I spit reflexively. This is the wrong thing to do. "Little fucker spit on me! Get him!" My feet are knocked out from under me and I collapse to the filthy alley pavement, getting a pretty hard knock to the head in the process. Darkness clouds the edges of my vision and sounds suddenly get distant and faint. I can feel them kicking me, and I curl up defensively, trying to cover all my soft areas. One of them lands a hard kick to the groin and I hear myself scream in pain. The taste of blood is filling my mouth again and I can't seem to catch my breath. They're laughing, calling me names, but I don't really hear the words. Only the mocking, angry tone is clear. I want to beg them to stop but I can't speak, my throat feels like it's closing up and iron bands have clamped around my chest… I'm in too much pain to feel anything but fear and confusion, but when one of them starts tearing at my clothes, anger flares in my belly. I'm not sure what they're doing, but I struggle, trying to kick at them. I feel myself being lifted from the ground and shaken, and I'm dimly aware that someone is yelling in my face but it seems unimportant right now. All that matters is the crazy pain that is darting all over my body, refusing to settle in any one place. I try to curl up again, and twist my body in a desperate attempt to get away. I'm being held up by my shirt until the material rips and I drop heavily to the ground, hitting my head as I land. Suddenly, my mind can't process what is happening. Everything is a series of disjointed images and sensations. The taste of blood and dirt in my mouth. Someone begging for help, begging them to stop. It's my own voice, but so tainted with panic that I can barely recognize it. The sharp pain of heavy kicks landing along my ribs and back. I see flashes of light and dark, spinning crazily around as my vision gets dimmer. "Shit! Someone's coming... c'mon, lets get outta here!" Did I hear that or am I imagining things? It dawns on me that they're not kicking me anymore---it takes me a little while to notice; since my body hurts so much, the kicking wasn't making much difference. I'm still being held slightly off the ground, but then the painful grasp on my arm suddenly disappears and I'm falling again... * * * * I wake up to somebody shaking me, asking me something in a worried voice. No! Don't touch me! Leave me alone! I pull away, desperate to avoid more beatings. I don't even hear what they're saying, because it doesn't matter. All that matters is getting away from this place before something else happens to me. I'm on my feet and running before I have the chance to wonder if I can stand. "Wait! Are you all right? I'm not going to hurt you... " Lies. I know better now. Whoever that is yelling after me can't be trusted. All I can think is that I'm only around the corner from my home. It doesn't seem possible that this could happen so close to safety. It feels unfair somehow, as if those thugs were breaking some kind of rule by doing this in my neighborhood. Running, gasping for breath: my whole body aching with every movement. I'm only dimly aware of what's going on around me. People turn and stare as I go by, but I'm too dizzy and scared to care about them. My head is throbbing and I want nothing more than to lie down and let sleep take me again. I fall several times getting home, but I finally make it. There, standing at my door, trying to unlock it with trembling hands, I can't shake the feeling that those men are coming up behind me. I keep turning around in panic, expecting them to jump on me again, but the street is quiet and empty. Finally I get the lock, and I stumble into the house with a sigh of relief that sounds suspiciously like a sob. I'm so dizzy I can barely walk and making it to the bed is an ordeal. I fall onto the familiar surface, and darkness claims me once again. * * * * Colin sat curled against the bathroom wall, sobbing helplessly in reaction. He took several deep breaths, trying desperately to stop crying, because it was hurting his bruised ribs. His skin felt hot and overly sensitive, and he was very aware of the way his ruined clothes rasped against his body. He could even smell the blood and alley grease, and it threatened to make him throw up again. Wincing with every movement, he carefully removed his torn, filthy clothes and tossed them in the garbage. Even if they could be salvaged, Colin never wanted to wear them again. Still shaking, but no longer crying, he got into the shower and stood under the hot spray for a long time. The needles of water were painful against his bruised skin, but the warmth and familiar sound of the shower were soothing. As the fear and trembling dissipated, Colin felt himself getting angry. The sheer injustice of what had been done to him was both frustrating and confusing. //It's just not fair! What gives them the right to pull me off the street and beat me up? I never did anything to hurt them! Just because I'm gay... it's not like I chose to be this way. But it's who I am, and I wouldn't change it even if I could! And what business is it of theirs anyway? Stupid punks... fucking homophobic assholes is what they were. I oughta... something. Oh hell, what am I going to do? This is so frustrating... I wish I could make them pay for this, but I don't have any way of finding them again. Even if I did try and report this, I don't even remember what they looked like... everything about last night is fuzzy and confusing. Damn... // Finally turning the water off after it started to get cold, Colin screwed up his courage and took another look at himself in the mirror. To his surprise, the damage wasn't quite as bad as it had initially appeared. Once the dirt and blood had been cleaned away, the cuts and bruises seemed less striking. His body was heavily marked, but he didn't seem to have any broken bones. Luckily, the men last night had been wearing soft shoes instead of boots, or the damage would have been much worse. Bruises ran along his arms and swarmed over his ribs, and several more marred his legs. Clothes would cover most of them though, and the black eye and split lip would go down with some ice. With a little creative makeup, no one would know the difference at the taping today. Colin didn't question his instinct to keep it a secret. It was irrational and probably not very possible, but he was determined to do it anyway. Keeping everyone from finding out what had happened to him seemed to be the only way of dealing with it. His logic ran kind of like this: If no one knew about it, then it never really happened. It was just a bad dream. The ice did help a great deal, and soon Colin's face looked almost normal again. His left eye was a bit shadowed and puffy, and the cut in his lip was clearly visible, but those could be explained with some made-up story. //What the hell, I'll improvise something. It's what I do, isn't it? I'll just have to take it easy at the taping, cause I'm still pretty sore. The aspirin is helping, though, and if anyone asks I can just say I'm getting too old for this shit.// His determination to carry on as if nothing had happened was strangely comforting, and Colin felt reasonably confident as he drove to the studio. Unaware that denial is the mind's first response to trauma, he just assumed he was remarkably good at coping. He was dressed in loose fitting slacks and a long sleeved button down shirt to hide the bruises on his arms. It had been a little unnerving this morning to see how closely those bruises resembled the fists that had made them. Colin shivered and pushed the thought away, concentrating on the upcoming taping. They were always fun, and today the schedule had Ryan, Wayne, and Greg performing along with him. He had the best chemistry with Ryan, of course, but Greg was fun too. His acerbic style and wit played a fine counterpoint to Colin's non-sequiturs and elaborate facial expressions. It was also reassuring to have another gay performer on the stage, especially one as obvious as Greg. Colin smiled wryly as he pulled into the studio parking lot, thinking it was funny how everyone wrongly assumed Ryan was gay, but never seemed to notice Greg's mannerisms and suggestive behavior. //It just goes to show you, sometimes people can be blind to what's right in front of them.// Not realizing the irony of his thought, Colin concentrated on appearing normal as he walked down the hall and entered the green room. Ryan was the first one to see him, as usual, but he only nodded a greeting before returning to his conversation with Drew. Greg grinned up at Colin and patted the chair next to his own, inviting the Canadian to take a seat. "Hey, dinoman, how's things?" Greg asked with his familiar nasal tone. "Fine. Everything is fine." Colin's answer was quick and a little too emphatic. Greg gave him an odd look, his gaze lingering on the slightly bruised eye and split lip. "Col? You get in a fight or something?" The question was sarcastic, intended as a joke, but Colin froze in place, trying not to show any reaction. His deep brown eyes widened as he stared at Greg, and then he shook himself slightly and took a quick breath. //Calm down, he doesn't know anything. He was just guessing. Quit acting so damn jumpy and answer the question before he really gets suspicious.// "Nah, I just lost an argument with the doorframe in the middle of the night. Guess I should get a nightlight or something, huh?" Colin was an honest man, and he couldn't even meet Greg's eyes when he told the lie. Greg frowned and seemed about to ask another question when Keith interrupted them. He was working on the wardrobe for that day's taping and he had some ideas about Colin's shirt. "Hey, Colin, can we get you to try this one on?" Keith asked, holding up a brightly colored short sleeve shirt. Colin grabbed it reflexively, seizing on the opportunity to avoid further questions from Greg. It took him a moment to realize the short sleeves would show his arms---and therefore his bruises. "No, I'll just wear the shirt I have on, thanks." Keith frowned in consternation, since Colin was usually so easygoing and compliant. "But, uh, Colin, your shirt is almost exactly the same color as Wayne's, and if you don't change it, then it'll look---" "Then have him change his shirt! I'm wearing this one!" The room fell suddenly silent and Colin looked around nervously, realizing he had raised his voice a bit more than necessary. He stood, shoving the contested shirt back into Keith's hands, and opened his mouth to apologize, but no words came to mind and he ended up standing there like an idiot with everyone staring at him. Their curious gazes were suddenly too much to handle and Colin ducked his head, quickly walking out of the room. "What the hell was that all about?" Dan asked, staring after the retreating performer. Ryan nodded in agreement with the question, confusion and worry on his face. Greg bit his lip; he was afraid he had a good idea what was wrong. He had been the only one to see the bruises on Colin's face, and his mind immediately leapt to some pretty nasty conclusions. **You should stop thinking like that. Just because it happened to you doesn't mean it happened to Colin. He could have gotten those bruises anywhere. And the thing with the shirt... well, just because you know long sleeves hide marks, it doesn't mean he's hurt. It could be anything. Still... better ask Col what's up before anyone else gets a hold of him. If it is what I think it is, he needs to be handled gently. I just hope I'm wrong.** "Uh, let me go talk to him, okay?" Greg said, halting Ryan, who was just beginning to rise from his chair. "I don't have anything to do right now, and you're busy." Ryan nodded reluctantly and Greg gave him a reassuring smile before following in Colin's footsteps. He stood uncertainly in the hall for a moment, wondering where Colin would go. Then the obvious first choice hit him, and Greg headed for Colin's trailer. Greg knocked cautiously on the trailer door, but got no answer. He knocked again, harder, and then leaned against the door, trying to hear if Colin was inside. He was started to hear a sudden sound of glass breaking, followed by a muffled cry of pain. Greg threw the door open, only to see Colin standing in the middle of the room, water and broken glass on the floor at his feet. Greg stopped short and stared at the strange tableau, wondering just what had happened. Colin looked up at him, and Greg was startled to see tears in the soulful brown eyes. "Hey man, it's just a little glass... " Greg trailed off uncertainly, giving his friend a nervous smile. Colin shook his head, waving vaguely at the mess. The slick water glass had slipped out of his trembling hands, and a flying shard had nicked his leg when the glass shattered. It didn't even hurt anymore, really, but somehow it was just the last straw. Feeling very shaky and emotionally fragile, he gingerly stepped away from the broken glass and collapsed onto the couch. Colin buried his face in his hands and took several deep breaths, trying to calm down. Greg ran his hands through his hair, an unconscious gesture whenever he was confused or nervous. This was looking worse and worse, and he was beginning to think his suspicions were correct. He walked carefully across the glass-strewn floor and sat next to Colin, reaching out with a tentative hand. Colin flinched at the gentle touch and Greg pulled back, wincing at the obvious mistake. **Oh man... oh, shit, I really hope this isn't what I think it is. But the way he's acting, someone must have hurt him. The big question is, who? And what did they do? Because if he was raped... no! Quit thinking that. Don't assume it happened to others just because it happened to you. For all you know, he could have just gotten in a fight. Or had the crap beat out of him. Yeah, that's a big improvement. Way to be a positive thinker, Greg.** Sarcasm was so ingrained in Greg's mind that even his inner conversations were filled with it. He noticed that Colin seemed a little calmer now; at least, he was breathing more steadily and the shaking had subsided into barely perceptible trembling. "Col? You want to tell me about it?" Greg tried again with the hand, and this time Colin allowed an arm to be draped across his shoulders. The older man leaned into the touch for a moment, squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to hide from... everything. Then he pulled away with a sigh, hunching his shoulders and staring at the floor. "Nothing to talk about." Greg bit his lip because this was all so familiar. The odd tension, the raw emotions, the hesitancy about being touched and the refusal to talk about it... he'd been there. A long time ago... Greg shook himself, pushing the memories aside. This wasn't about him; it was about Colin. "It's not your fault, man. Whatever happened to you, it's not your fault. Not if you were forced." Colin looked over at him sharply, confusion written on his face. "Forced? What the hell are you talking about?" "You know what I mean. I can tell, Colin. And... I... it happened to me too, okay? That's how I know." Greg took a deep breath, clenching and unclenching his fists in a nervous rhythm. No matter how many people he told about this, it was always hard. Although, the only other people he had told were a therapist and another old friend who had died a few years back. So it wasn't like he talked about it often. Colin was staring at him, and Greg gave him a few moments to work it out. //What is Greg talking about? Does he mean he was beaten up too? But that's not what he said... he said forced. Forced to do what? And how would he know about whether it's my fault? He doesn't even know what happened. He's making some kind of assumption because of something that's happened to him. What was he forced to do? The only thing I can think of... but no, that can't be it. Not Greg---that's impossible... isn't it? The way he's looking at me... oh my God, it IS true. It has to be, it's the only thing that makes sense.// "You were... raped?" Colin said the words softly; afraid he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. He actually hoped he was wrong because if it was true, one of his closest friends was hiding a terrible secret. Greg swallowed hard and nodded, reminding himself that this was for Colin. He hadn't expected the admission to bring up so many buried emotions, and he found himself struggling to control them. The same old anger, the same shame and confusion... don't these things ever fade? He felt Colin's hand on his back and looked up into his dark eyes, seeing the worry and sympathy there. Greg felt like he had to explain further, because Colin seemed to think this was a recent event. "It happened a long time ago. Years, really. I'm way over it, I just told you so you'd know you're not alone. I've been there too, Col, and I can help you through this." Colin blinked at him in confusion for a moment before the light dawned. Greg thought HE had been raped, and that's where the bruises had come from. "No, no, no, that didn't happen to me. Some guys beat me up but they didn't... you know. They didn't do that." Colin was so intent on correcting Greg's assumption that he didn't even realize he had just spilled his little secret. Greg was giving him a rather skeptical look and Colin rushed on, trying to convince his friend that he was telling the truth. "They were homophobes, I guess; they kept calling me a fag and stuff like that, and they dragged me into this alley and kicked me for a while. But that's all it was." Greg gave him a sidelong glance before deciding that Colin was telling the truth. He had never been a good liar, and the sheer earnestness of his voice was convincing enough. Greg smiled wryly at the way Colin had phrased his denial. "Just dragged you into an alley and kicked you. Oh, is that all. You say it like it's no big deal." Colin blinked and pulled back, suddenly realizing what he had said. "Well... ah... I'm okay, really. Just, um, a few bruises; but basically okay." "Col, so far today you've thrown a hissyfit over what shirt to wear, lied to cover something that is `no big deal' and you nearly lost it over a dropped glass of water. This must be some strange new definition of `okay' that I was not previously aware of." "Well, were you okay after... after that thing happened to you?" Greg looked away, his body filled with tension. "We're not talking about me here." "Maybe we should," Colin replied, looking at him with compassion. "Besides... um, well it seems a little weird, but I feel like I could tell you about... about the attack... if you told me about yours. Like... then I wouldn't be the only one getting all upset. Does that make any sense?" Greg nodded reluctantly. It did make sense, now that he thought about it. The first time he had told this story, it was to a fellow victim, and that made it easier somehow. Colin put an arm around his shoulders and pulled him in close. Returning the gesture with an arm around Colin's waist, Greg enjoyed the embrace for a moment before taking a deep breath and starting his story. "It was years ago. I had a boyfriend at the time... Frankie. I was the only one who got to call him that, y'know? I thought that was special." Greg shook his head ruefully, remembering the naiveté of youth. "He was older than me, and even though we were only together when it was convenient for him, I practically worshipped the ground he walked on. After a while though, I got tired of being his back-up fuck, and the next time he came knocking on my door, I told him no. But he didn't want to take no for an answer." Greg's voice was getting harsh and bitter, and Colin tightened the hug, bringing his other arm around to hold the younger man more closely. Greg shot him a quick, grateful smile before continuing. "I fought, of course, but... well, I didn't win. He, ah... shit, this is hard to talk about." Greg broke off, staring at the floor. Colin stroked a reassuring hand down his back, wondering how Greg could go on after something like that. Being assaulted physically had been bad enough; Colin couldn't imagine what it must feel like to be assaulted sexually. "You don't have to tell me details. I get the idea." Greg nodded, feeling rather relieved. He had been determined to go through with the story for Colin's sake, but he really didn't want to relive all those old memories. He glanced over at the older man, wondering if he was ready to talk. "After it happened... did you try to keep it a secret?" Colin asked, looking shyly up through his eyelashes. Greg had been expecting this question. "Yeah, I did. And no, I don't know why. It doesn't seem to make much sense, does it?" Colin nodded in agreement. "I know. I mean, right now I could really use the support of my friends, but I was so determined to keep everything inside. Seems pretty stupid now." He was worrying his lower lip with his teeth, berating himself for his actions. Greg smiled in understanding and brought a hand to the back of Colin's neck. He pulled until their foreheads were touching, and they stared into each other's eyes for a long moment. "Now listen, Col, your reaction was perfectly normal. It may not be rational or logical, but we're human beings, not Vulcans, y'know?" This earned a smile from Colin, very faint, but a smile nonetheless. "The fact that you can see hiding it is a mistake is a really good thing. You're actually handling this much better than I did when it happened to me." "Really?" "Yeah, it was almost a year before I told anyone." Greg shivered a little, remembering that year. Probably the worst one of his life. Colin responded by shifting so their heads were on each other's shoulders. Greg closed his eyes and rubbed against the hollow of his friend's neck, and Colin did the same. They took a few deep breaths together before Colin pulled back slightly and spoke again. "I think... I'm ready to tell you about it. All of it." Greg nodded encouragingly and gave Colin's shoulders a quick squeeze. Shutting his eyes, Colin once again let himself get lost in the memories. "I was walking home from this bar I go to, really close to my place. These guys came out of nowhere and started saying I was gay and stuff. They pulled me into an alley, and... it didn't seem real, y'know? It was all so fast. When they started hitting me, I... it was like I was watching a movie or something. I know this stuff happens in real life, but I kept expecting someone to step in and say it was all a joke. But no one did... and they knocked me down... and they were kicking me. I think I was pleading with them to stop but I kept hitting my head and I can't remember that well. Everything was so crazy, with them yelling, and the pain, and trying to defend myself but not knowing what to do... " Colin's voice had gotten progressively shakier as he told the story, and his slim body was trembling violently. Greg held him, murmuring soothing words in his ear as they rocked together on the couch. When he realized that Colin was completely silent, Greg placed a finger under his chin and forced the older man to meet his eyes. Colin's face was pale and filled with tension, but his eyes were dry. Knowing his friend needed to release the emotional reaction before he could begin healing, Greg wondered how he could get Colin to let it go. He noticed that Colin seemed reluctant to look him in the eye, and figured that might be the key. "Colin. Look at me, buddy." When Colin shook his head, swallowing hard and looking down, Greg placed his hands on either side of his friend's face and gently forced eye contact again. Keeping their gazes locked, Greg could see Colin's control wavering. His eyes became even darker and more intense, and his lower lip began to quiver. Finally, with a choked sob, Colin collapsed into tears and buried his face against Greg's shoulder. Greg could feel his own chest getting tight as their emotionally charged conversation began to catch up with him. Dredging up the memories of his long-ago rape was always painful, and seeing his close friend go through something similar was affecting him more than he realized. His throat constricted and tears began to sting the back of his eyes. Greg fought it for a moment, blinking rapidly and taking a deep breath. Then he looked at the sobbing man in his arms, and that was the last straw. With a shrug and a shake of his head, Greg gave in and let the tears come. He thought wryly that they must make quite a picture, two grown men in their forties crying like babies in each other's arms. They stayed like that for an indeterminate amount of time, and then Greg felt Colin start pulling back. He let the older man go, but kept his arms around the trembling frame, staring into those familiar brown eyes. Colin stared right back at him, and the moment seemed to stretch out like warm taffy. Their faces only inches apart, Greg could feel Colin's breath on his cheek, see the streaks of moisture on his face, and he found himself getting inexplicably aroused. Colin's slim lips were so close, and the look in his eyes was strangely intense. They leaned together very slowly, inch by tentative inch, until they were almost touching, each feeling the other's breath on his lips. Greg closed his eyes, wondering if this was a good idea. **Oh my God, what the hell am I doing? Am I actually going to kiss Colin? I've always been a little attracted to him, but... I don't know, it just never happened between us before. He's not pulling back though... but he's just been through a lot; I shouldn't take advantage of him. He's so close... maybe one little kiss wouldn't hurt. Boy, I really hope no one walks in on this** No sooner had that thought crossed his mind than Greg heard a knock on the door. Colin heard it too, and quickly pulled away, wiping ineffectually at his tear-swollen eyes. Greg drew a shirtsleeve across his own face and swallowed hard to get his voice under control. Neither of them was really ready to stop crying yet, but it looked like they didn't have a choice. * * * Part 2 "Go wash your face with some cold water, it's all puffy," Greg whispered as he rose from the couch. Colin obediently headed for the bathroom, still sniffling. Greg scrubbed at his face once again, took a deep shuddering breath, and opened the door. He found Ryan standing there, looking concerned and impatient. "Is Col in there with you? Is he all right?" "Yeah, he's here, and he'll be fine. He's just... ah... a little tired, that's all." Greg made no move to leave the doorway and Ryan narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Greg stood his ground, knowing that if he let Ryan inside, the taller man would overwhelm Colin with questions and probably get angry as well. As he stood there locking eyes with Ryan, Greg had to admit to himself that there were other reasons for wanting to keep him out. **If Ryan gets in here and sees what a wreck Colin is, he'll take over. Which means I'll be out of the picture. It's not like I'm jealous, really... well, actually, that's exactly what it's like. I've never really been able to get as close to Colin as I'd like to be, because Ryan has always been there. But right now I know what he's going through better than Ryan ever could and I can help him. If I can just get some time alone with him, maybe... maybe something can happen.** Greg wasn't entirely sure what he wanted to happen, but it had something to do with how good it had felt to hold Colin and be held in return. He knew Colin was vulnerable right now and he didn't want to push him into anything, but still... that near kiss had to be more than just a fluke. Something had happened between them; some kind of spark that Greg wanted to explore further. Ryan moved forward, subtly trying to insinuate himself into the room. Greg wondered how long the taller man would wait before he simply pushed his way in. Luckily, he didn't have to find out, as Colin chose that moment to emerge from the bathroom. Ryan's eyes were riveted on his oldest friend immediately, carefully checking him over. Colin was pale, which made the bruises on his face stand out noticeably. "Shit, Colin, did someone hit you?" It came out more as a demand than a question, and Colin looked away nervously. Greg sighed inwardly; he knew that pressure and questioning was not the way to deal with Colin right now. Ryan meant well, of course, but he just didn't know how to gentle the story out of his friend the way Greg had. Sure enough, Colin responded to Ryan's demanding tone by falling back on his original denial. "No, um, no one hit me, I was just... ah... " Colin was saved from having to finish his excuse when Dan Patterson came up behind Ryan in the hallway. The producer glanced into the trailer curiously for a moment, wondering what was going on before shrugging it off and gesturing for the three of them to join him in the hallway. "Right, everyone, time to go on. I've been all over looking for you." Dan's clipped British accent always made him sound a bit formal and irritated, and right now he really was impatient. The show was due to start very soon, and the stars weren't even on stage yet. He ushered them toward the set, making little shooing motions with his hands. As they followed Dan and Ryan down the hallway, Greg slipped an arm around Colin's shoulders. The Canadian raised his eyes from the floor and shot Greg a quick, grateful smile, returning the gesture with an arm around his waist. Ryan glanced back at them, noticing the exchange but not sure what to make of it. ##What the hell is going on here? Something is obviously wrong with Colin, and Greg knows about it. Why are they not telling me? And since when does Colin go to Greg when he has a problem? Although... I have to admit, Col looks calmer than he did earlier. Maybe Greg's doing something right. I just hate being kept out of the loop. I'll have to watch Col really closely during the taping; he seems a bit shaky. And right after the show is over, I'm finding out what happened to him. If anyone hurt my best friend, they're going to be so sorry...## Colin was staring at the floor again, so only Greg noticed the angry set of Ryan's shoulders, and the way his hands kept curling into fists. Greg wondered if Ryan was jealous because he wasn't the one with an arm around Colin. But that was silly; everyone knew how loyal Ryan was to his wife and kids. Greg shook his head, not wanting to deal with this right now. He had enough to deal with, especially since his own emotions were still so close to the surface. Colin's arm around his waist was comforting, but it was also keeping his defenses down and Greg had a hard time concentrating on the upcoming taping. When they arrived on the set, Colin and Greg reluctantly separated, but Greg took the third chair instead of his usual fourth. Wayne was at the crafts table, and when he returned he did a double take at the seating arrangement. He opened his mouth to ask a question, but the talented young man must have seen something in Greg's expression, because he snapped it shut again and sat down in the fourth seat without a word. Greg noticed in an abstract kind of way that Wayne was wearing a different shirt. Ryan kept shooting curious, worried glances at Colin, but the older man was too busy being fussed over by the makeup people to answer any questions. They didn't say a word about the bruises, perhaps warned by the tension in the air to keep quiet. They did good work, though, and within minutes the marks were completely covered. Colin stared at the floor, refusing to meet anyone's eyes, and Ryan sighed in frustration. He was just going to have to wait. * * * The taping was going well. Colin was taking it easy, especially on the physical stuff, but his humor was almost as good as usual. Almost. The fans never knew the difference, but all the performers could sense it. A slight distraction, a little hesitation; it was hard to describe exactly, but Colin was just off tonight. Ryan was getting more and more concerned. He could see the way Greg made a point of touching Colin whenever he got a chance, and he could also see that Colin appreciated it. Ryan knew his best friend was normally resilient and independent, so to see him clearly needing reassurance was troubling. Ryan decided that if Greg could do it, so could he. During a break, he placed a hand on Colin's shoulder and nodded toward the stage, where they were setting up for a game of Helping Hands. "Looks like a messy one, huh?" he asked wryly. Colin nodded, looking at the food on the table. It appeared to be some kind of baking setup, with flour, sugar, eggs, and several other items. "You might as well roll your sleeves up now so you don't have to do it later," Ryan continued. He was surprised to feel Colin stiffen under his hand, and he watched in confusion as his oldest friend exchanged a look with Greg. Ryan had to grit his teeth to keep from demanding some answers. Damn, but he hated being left out of things, especially when they involved Colin. "I think he'll be fine. Nothing up there is really staining or anything, and besides, um... " Greg trailed off, running out of excuse. "And besides, there, ah... there isn't time!" Colin finished, sharing a relieved look with Greg. Sure enough, Drew waved at them and then broke into his return spiel, explaining the game of Helping Hands. Ryan, Colin, and Greg rose from their seats and took their places on stage. Ryan wasn't sure what to feel. He was worried about Colin, of course, but the sense of being deliberately shut out was really bothering him. He was used to being the one that knew everything---*everything*- --about Colin, and the fact that Greg knew something he didn't was really irritating. Ryan actually felt a little ashamed of his petty jealousy, but he couldn't help it. He bit his lip as Colin took up his usual position as his `hands' and Ryan put his long arms around his friend's back. Ryan could feel the tension in the shorter man, and once again wondered what the hell was going on. There wasn't time to speculate right now though, because the scene was starting. Colin did fine, responding to Ryan's cues and still managing to keep most of the sticky food off his sleeves. Everything was going well until Ryan decided to take advantage of his position. He had watched Greg giving Colin little reassuring touches all evening, and thought it was time to do the same. Since they were already locked together, it was a simple matter to tighten his arms and give his best friend a strong hug. To Ryan's surprise, Colin's hands jerked up as the shorter man recoiled in pain, trying to get away. Greg saw it too, and stopped mid-sentence, lifting a hand toward Colin in concern. Ryan relaxed his arms quickly, and was amazed when Colin continued the scene as if nothing had happened. Both Ryan and Greg could see his hands trembling, and they were impressed with Colin's showmanship, continuing on that way. They finished the skit somewhat awkwardly, and all three of them were relieved when it was over and the break was called. They sat in their chairs in silence for a moment, Ryan staring at Colin, who was looking at Greg, who was looking back at him with sympathy. Finally Ryan couldn't stand it any longer and spoke up. "All right, dammit, I want to know what's going on here, and I want to know now! Are you all right, Colin? Did I hurt you or something?" Ryan's voice had started out angry, but quickly lapsed into guilty concern. Colin looked at him for a moment, considering his answer. When he saw the real worry and confusion in Ryan's eyes, he relented and decided to tell the truth. Exchanging another quick look with Greg, Colin slowly and deliberately began rolling up his sleeve. When he had enough to expose the livid purple bruises on his forearm, he mutely lifted it for Ryan's inspection. Ryan felt like someone had just punched him in the stomach. His eyes narrowed angrily, and his back stiffened. The bruises were all too clearly the result of someone grabbing the arm hard, and not letting go. He could only imagine what the rest of Colin's body must look like, considering the way he had reacted to the onstage hug a few moments earlier. Ryan gaped, trying to say something but unable to form the words. He looked helplessly at Colin and Greg, the question in his eyes. "He was gay-bashed. Last night. But he's all right, no serious injuries," Greg supplied, trying to sound calm. He was shaken by the bruises as well, though. He knew what had happened, but he hadn't actually seen the damage. The physical evidence made the whole thing seem more real, somehow. Greg was also reminded of the way his own bruises had looked after that long-ago night, and he took a deep breath, looking away briefly. "What... you... why didn't you tell me?" Ryan sputtered, unable to tear his eyes away from the ugly marks on his best friend's arm. Colin looked helplessly at Greg for a moment, and then turned back to Ryan, shrugging his shoulders. "I don't know. I just... I can't explain it. I didn't want to tell anyone." "Why the hell not? And how can you even be sure you're okay? You should see a doctor or something, and we need to tell the cops, and--- " Ryan stopped short when he realized that Colin was shaking his head violently, an alarmed expression on his face. Greg put a hand on the trembling Canadian's shoulder, and gave him an understanding look. "Ryan, he's not ready to tell people about this, okay? It's not something you can understand, so just trust me on this." Greg winced a little when he realized how patronizing he sounded, and by the look on Ryan's face, he had heard it too. Ryan gritted his teeth in irritation. ##Not no, but hell no! Does he think I'm stupid or something? There's nothing I don't understand about Colin. And now I'm just supposed to take Greg's word for it and ignore whatever's hurting my best friend? Like he's such a fucking expert. I don't think so.## Ryan glared at Greg, anger clouding his green eyes, and Greg leaned back slightly before lifting his chin in defiance. **I'm not going to let him intimidate me! Colin told me what happened of his own free will, and I can understand how he's feeling. What would Ryan know about being bashed anyways, he's not even gay! Just because he's so protective and possessive of Colin, he thinks... I don't know what he thinks. But Colin needs me right now, and I'm not letting Ryan chase me away.** Greg was still overemotional from everything that had happened recently, and he didn't realize he was getting angry with Ryan for no good reason. After all, Ryan was only trying to do what he thought was best for Colin. Greg couldn't see that right now, though; all he saw was the way Ryan's hand seemed to claim ownership with its place on the back of Colin's neck. Irrational jealousy poured through Greg's body and he glared at Ryan fiercely. Ryan saw the look and felt himself getting angry in response. He had been worried about Colin ever since that first outburst over the silly wardrobe issue. After being shut out and lied to all day, now he was being told that he couldn't understand what his best friend in the world was going through? "All right, now you listen to me," Ryan snarled, keeping his voice low but intense. Colin looked up in alarm as he heard the angry tone and realized his two closest friends looked like they were about to start a fight. He thought guiltily that it was all his fault for getting into this situation in the first place. "No, no, stop it! Ryan, Greg, please, why are you doing this?" The pleading tone of Colin's voice stopped his friends short and they looked at each other sheepishly. "Sorry, man. I was just... it's been a rough day." "That's okay, Greg. I'm just... I hate that someone hurt Colin, y'know?" Greg nodded, and Colin looked at both of them with a relieved smile. "Col? Are you going to be able to finish the taping? You've got to be in pain, if those marks on your arm are any indication." Colin nodded in answer to Ryan's question, trying for a reassuring smile but not quite making it. He didn't have time to be more convincing, as the break was over and it was time to finish the taping. Luckily, they only had about twenty minutes left. Colin wasn't sure if it was all the stress of the day or the residual effect of last night's concussion, but he was feeling very tired and a little dizzy. //I better take it easy out there. If I pass out on stage I'll never hear the end of it. Looks like I've got two mother hens now.// Colin couldn't help a little smile at the thought. It might be aggravating to be watched over all the time like a child, but it was also kind of sweet. The way Ryan and Greg handled him for the rest of the taping, Colin felt like he was made out of glass or something. The two performers made very sure to keep him away from anything overly physical, and kept touching him at every opportunity. Colin would have yelled at them to cut it out if he hadn't been feeling so tired and shaky. As it was, he appreciated the support. The moment the taping was over, Ryan, Greg, and Colin all made themselves scarce, disappearing down the hall and into Ryan's trailer. It was the closest and the biggest, so it seemed like the logical choice. Ryan carefully locked the door behind him as they entered---he had a feeling their conversation was going to be very private. Colin flopped down on the couch with a relieved sigh, closing his eyes in exhaustion. Greg and Ryan exchanged a glance, and then sat down to either side of him. They both put an arm around the sleepy comedian's shoulders, and Greg felt a flash of pride when Colin chose to rest his head on *his* shoulder and not Ryan's. He couldn't help smiling inwardly when he saw Ryan's eyes flicker with the tiniest bit of hurt. It was petty, but Greg was in no mood to be reasonable. "Col? Are you all right?" Ryan asked, seeing that Colin seemed ready to fall asleep. "Yeah... m'alright... just tired. Been a long day... and I think I got a concussion last night." "What? You didn't tell me that... maybe Ryan's right, and you should see a doctor," Greg said, looking at his friend in concern. Ryan nodded in agreement, his face lined with worry. "Nah... just wanna fall asleep for a little while... can we talk about this later? Please?" Colin was almost whimpering, and his friends gave in, falling silent as they watched him drift off. When they were sure he was out, Ryan and Greg carefully rose from the couch, laying Colin down in the process. Greg couldn't resist lightly stroking the thin blond hair along the side of Colin's head, and when he looked up, he noticed Ryan watching him with narrowed eyes. He shrugged as if to say `What?' and gestured for Ryan to follow him into the other room. They left Colin sleeping peacefully on the couch, a faint smile on his face. * * * There was a moment of awkward silence as Ryan and Greg sat down and stared at each other. Ryan was the first to break it. "So... " "So." They shared a stilted laugh, and Greg tapped his fingers restlessly on the table. He felt oddly reluctant to give up his secret. He knew Colin was willing to let Ryan know about it, but somehow telling Ryan would ruin the little conspiracy of comfort he'd had going. **What the hell is wrong with me? I have this crazy urge to keep Colin all to myself... why? I mean, admittedly it felt good to be close to him and share some things, but Ryan's not trying to steal him away from me. Is he? Wait, that doesn't even make sense. Ryan can't steal what I don't have. At least, not yet. Whoa... where did that come from? Do I want Colin? Oh shit, of all the times to develop a crush on a friend, I have to do it right now, when he's just been assaulted. Way to go, that's some excellent timing there, hero. Man... I can't think about this right now. I need some time to calm down and figure things out, but right now I have to tell Ryan what happened. I can work out how I feel about Colin... later... I hope.** Greg took a deep breath and began. "Okay, here's what happened, as far as Colin told me. He was walking home last night and some redneck assholes dragged him into an alley and started kicking the shit out of him. He said it was really fast and he couldn't defend himself." "How many were there?" Ryan interrupted. "Um... actually, I don't think he said. Two or three, I'm guessing. That's how these guys usually work." Ryan nodded and Greg continued. "Anyway, they were kicking him and yelling at him, calling him names, and I guess he got a concussion. He didn't tell me about that part before." "How did he get away? Did he make it home?" Ryan was firing off questions faster than Greg could come up with answers, and he realized that Colin hadn't really told him all that much. He was starting to feel stupid because of all he didn't know, and more than a little irritated with Ryan for making him feel that way. "I don't know. He didn't say... I was really just trying to get him to let out his, um, y'know, his emotional reaction. I wasn't that picky about the details." Greg felt a little embarrassed as he said this, because it sounded so... trite, and somehow incompetent. "So did he?" Ryan asked, glancing toward his sleeping friend as he asked the question. "Well, yeah, he... uh... he cried for a while. Which is normal, after something like this." Greg was getting defensive, but he wasn't sure why. Ryan ran a hand through his hair, feeling his frustration well up again at Greg's lack of satisfying answers. ##Well, isn't that just fucking great? First he acts like I'm some kind of idiot who can't possibly understand what Colin's going through, and then he doesn't even know what really happened. He's been trying to shut me out all day, and I'm sick of it! Colin was attacked, and Greg's so busy keeping things from me he didn't even bother to find out how badly he was hurt. Or how he got home. Or anything important! And the way he's looking at me... that smug, I know more than you do look... I need to wipe that look off his face. I need to make him see he's only hurting Colin with his attitude.## "So basically, you made him cry, and only got half the story." Greg's jaw dropped in shock and he stared at Ryan, who was giving him a look of contempt. "What the fuck... how can you even say that? You... I should... it's not like you were doing such a good job of getting information out of him!" Greg was sputtering in anger, tripping over his own words. "What do you expect me to say? It's not like I had a chance to talk to him; as soon as he got upset you went after him and made me stay put---" "Oh, yeah, I really twisted your arm on that one. You were so busy with your all-important *producers* talk... " Greg's voice was thick with sarcasm and Ryan shook his head in disbelieving anger. ##Of all the... I can't believe Greg! He acts all high and mighty, about how he knows what's `best for Colin' and then he's completely clueless about what actually happened. All his talk about how I wouldn't understand... who is he to tell me I wouldn't understand my best friend? I've been there for Colin more times than I can count, just like he's been there for me. And Greg has the nerve to waltz in and think he can just take over? No way. No fucking way.## Irrational anger and a kind of possessive jealousy were overpowering Ryan's reason. Somewhere in the back of his mind a tiny voice asked what he was doing, fighting with Greg over something so petty, but it was drowned out by his need to be in control. He was really angry with the bastards who had hurt his best friend, but they weren't here right now. Greg was. "I've had enough of you telling me the best way to take care of *my* best friend!" The possessive emphasis on the `my' was not lost on Greg, and his lips thinned to a hard line. "Now you're going to listen to me! All you've done so far is get Colin even more upset and quite possibly keep him away from necessary medical care. So next time you think about helping him---don't!" Greg felt his anger building and he looked away, trying to get himself under control. The urge to yell was strong; the urge to hit something---or someone---even stronger. **Who is he to tell me what to do? He doesn't even know what its like to be attacked like this. He's never been through this kind of thing; he's never had to deal with the prejudice against homosexuality. Ryan is so damn possessive of Colin, he just can't stand the thought of anyone else getting close. That's fucking selfish is what that is. He doesn't care about what's best for Colin, only that whatever it is, it comes from him. God forbid someone else actually becomes important in Colin's life, because then Ryan might not be in the number one slot anymore. And he just couldn't handle that. Well, fuck him, and his stupid selfish jealousy! Colin talked to me, and I was there for him, and I knew what to do! I want to be close to him, and Ryan's not going to stop me!** Greg stood up, slapping a hand down on the table. The loud smacking sound echoed around the small trailer, and Colin stirred, mumbling something in his sleep. Ryan and Greg exchanged an accusing look, and they both moved to Colin's side. Ryan reached out a hand to stroke along Colin's back, but Greg grabbed his wrist before he could make contact. "Don't be an idiot," Greg hissed, holding on to Ryan's wrist perhaps a little harder than necessary. "What the fuck are you talking about?" Ryan whispered, yanking his hand away. He glared at Greg, refraining from yelling only because Colin was still asleep. "He was attacked! If you touch him without warning, you're going to scare him. But of course, you wouldn't know about that. Because *you* don't understand this like I do." Greg's voice was laced with smug contempt, and Ryan gritted his teeth. "If *you* hadn't had that temper tantrum and hit the table like a little baby---" "Don't you fucking talk to me like that! If anyone's acting like a child here, it's you!" Greg's voice was rising steadily, and Colin stirred again. Both of the men standing over him were too angry to notice. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Ryan asked, his voice low and dangerous. "I mean the way you act around Colin! The way you can't stand to let anyone get closer to him than you are---you're a fucking jealous, possessive asshole!" Greg's voice rose to a shout and Colin's eyes snapped open, filled with confusion. He looked up from the couch to see his two closest friends standing over him, glaring at each other, looking furious. Then the words he had just heard made it through the haze of sleep into Colin's mind, and he gaped in disbelief. He couldn't suppress a twinge of irritation at the way they were being so petty and selfish, when he was the one who was hurt. Colin opened his mouth to speak, but never got the chance. "How dare you? You're the jealous one... I bet you wish you had half the talent he does. No wonder you've always been a fourth-seater. No wonder they keep you out of most of the games. Talentless hack!" Ryan smiled insultingly, his voice dripping with contempt. Greg recoiled, stung by the personal jab. The hurt was only fleeting, but the rage seemed to go on and on. He could hear a distant kind of roaring in his ears, and his body was actually shaking with anger. "You want to know what's really pathetic?" Greg asked, stepping forward until he was almost nose to nose with the taller man. "The way you play up the bad back thing for attention. `Oh, look at me, I've got a bad back. Oh, poor little me, come help me and fuss over me, Colin. I have to be the center of attention all the time cause I'm just a whiny little baby.'" Greg's voice had risen into a high-pitched, mocking imitation of Ryan, but now it dropped into a low, furious snarl. "That's why you're so damn possessive of Colin---he's the only one who'll put up with your shit and believe your stupid fake back problems! You don't care about him, or what he needs; all you care about is yourself! Colin would be better off without you!" Ryan's eyes widened and his mouth snapped shut. He was so angry that words failed him. Greg was standing there looking a little surprised at what he had just said, but he made no effort to soften his words with an apology. Instead, he set his jaw stubbornly and stared at Ryan, waiting for him to make the next move. The little voice in the back of Ryan's head that said this whole thing was stupid and he was blowing a friendship for no reason began to get loud and insistent, and he looked away, trying to get his anger under control. Greg noticed the movement, and used the moment of quiet to take a few deep breaths in an attempt to cool his own temper. For a few seconds, it looked like the argument might be over-- -until Colin complicated the situation by speaking up. "Stop it! Both of you! Why are you doing this?" He sounded lost and very unhappy, causing Ryan and Greg to give each other a `see what you did?' look. Then they both looked at Colin, who was sitting up on the couch and rubbing blearily at his eyes. "Well, are you happy now? You woke him up. Nice job, Greg." "Me? You're the one that was yelling!" "You were yelling first! And you did that stupid thing with the table- --" "I said stop it!" Colin broke in, staring at them in frustration. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Ryan and Greg locked gazes, each daring the other to speak. The current of angry tension between them only seemed to intensify with the silence, and Colin stood up in an effort to break the moment. Ryan immediately reached out and put a hand on his shoulder, thrusting his chin out defiantly in Greg's direction as he did so. Greg snorted and rolled his eyes, nodding in an `of course, I should've known' kind of gesture. "Get out. Right now." Ryan's voice was low and grating, his eyes flashing a warning should Greg choose to disobey. "Gladly. I'm sick of trying to talk sense into you anyway," Greg replied, injecting as much venom into his voice as possible. He turned his gaze to Colin, who was looking between his two oldest friends with an expression of frustrated confusion. "Colin. I can help you through this. I've been there. Come with me?" Greg stretched out a hand towards the Canadian, giving him a pleading, hopeful look. Colin stared at the hand, and then back at Ryan, who had tightened the grip on his shoulder. He bit his lip, trying to make a decision. //Oh, shit. How am I supposed to choose between my two best friends? I don't want to do this... why are they fighting anyway? They were both saying such terrible things to each other... right now I don't want to be around either one of them, they way they're acting. But I also don't want to be alone. They're fighting over me, that much is clear. Why the hell did I get myself in this situation in the first place? I knew I shouldn't have told anyone. Now I've driven a wedge between them. Greg's still standing there with his hand out... should I go with him? He did seem to understand before... and it felt good talking to someone who had been there. Someone who knows what it's like. But... then there was that moment when we almost kissed. What the hell was that about? I was confused, upset and shaky, but still... there was something there. Some kind of connection. I'm not sure what it is... and I don't want to deal with it right now. I have enough to deal with. And then there's Ryan. At least I know where I stand with him. He doesn't know what it's like to be attacked like this, but he'll be there for me anyway. He always has been in the past, more times than I can count. I can always depend on Ryan---I know that. And there's no weird sexual tension to deal with. He's just my best friend, who I feel safe and comfortable with. That's what I want right now, something familiar and solid. I'm still confused and scared and angry... this is all so much to cope with. And now they're fighting... why is this happening to me? I don't want to make this choice. But if I have to... Greg is just too complicated. Too many confusing emotions when I'm with him. So... Ryan it is, then. Oh God, I wish I didn't have to do this.// Colin didn't say a word. He didn't have to. A simple step back towards Ryan was the only signal that Greg needed. He stared at them for a moment: Ryan with a tiny, smug smile on his face, Colin looking miserable and guilty. Greg slowly let his hand drop as bitterness closed over his features. He nodded once in acceptance, turned on his heel, and walked out. Ryan felt a pang of guilt as the sound of the slammed door echoed around the little trailer. With the confrontation over, he began to realize how ridiculous the fight had been. Colin was staring helplessly at the floor, shaking his head in frustration. Ryan tightened his arms around the shorter man, pulling him in so Colin's back was against his front. He knew from years of experience that Colin loved to be held like this when he was feeling down. For a few seconds, they stood together, sharing a silent moment of comfort. Thus, Ryan was surprised when Colin suddenly threw his arms off and pulled away. "Col? What's wrong?" Ryan asked in confusion. Colin stared at him in disbelief. Raising his hands in a gesture of frustration, he opened and closed his mouth a few times before actually managing to speak. "I can't believe you! Both of you! Why the hell were you fighting? I get the shit kicked out of me by a bunch of thugs and the best thing you can think to do is make me choose between my two best friends? Whose bright idea was that one? And another thing---" "Whoa, wait a minute here. We didn't mean to get into a fight. It was just... " Ryan trailed off, not sure how to placate his friend. Colin had a right to be angry---he and Greg had gotten so wrapped up in their petty jealousy that they had forgotten all about him. "Just what, Ryan?" Colin's anger was fading as he took in the helpless expression on Ryan's face. "I don't know. I'm sorry Col... I don't know why we were fighting." Ryan shook his head, then flopped onto the couch, rubbing a hand across his mouth. "It's like... he didn't want to tell me what happened to you, and he kept acting like I was stupid or something, and I wouldn't understand. I was just so mad at those assholes for hurting you, and one thing led to another, and... oh, hell, I was just being a jerk, I guess." Colin stared at his oldest friend for a few moments. Ryan was either unwilling or unable to meet his eyes, and continued to stare at his hands. Colin was torn between wanting to yell some more and wanting to join Ryan on the couch. //Man... this is just too much. It's not fair. Not fair that those bastards beat me up, not fair that they got away with it, not fair that Ryan and Greg were fighting. Not fair that I had to put that look on Greg's face when I chose Ryan over him. God, he looked so... I don't know. Bad. Like a dog that got kicked, but is used to it. Like he wasn't expecting anything but rejection. Why did he have to almost kiss me anyway? That's the last thing I need right now! I don't even know what it meant... felt good though. Shit! This is not the time to be worrying about this!// Colin sighed in resignation and sank down on the couch next to Ryan. He leaned in, closing his eyes and pressing his face against the taller man's shoulder. Ryan looked at him in happy surprise for a moment before tentatively putting an arm around his shoulders. Colin accepted the embrace, but he was still irritated with Ryan. He was mad at the whole situation, really. //I feel like I'm sinking in quicksand. How did everything get so bad so fast? Yesterday I was fine, and now... those stupid homophobic redneck creeps! If not for them, none of this would have happened. Everything would be normal. Instead, my two oldest friends seem to hate each other, because of me. Greg probably thinks I never want to see him again. Ryan's mad because I didn't want to tell him what happened. And there's this whole weird tension with Greg and I... well, that's probably not an issue anymore, huh? Not after the way I stayed here instead of going with him. But damn it, what was I supposed to do? How could I make a choice like that? How could they force me to make it? It's just not fair. None of this is fair!// Colin was starting to feel like crying again. The whole situation seemed to have escalated out of his control. He wished he could somehow erase the last twenty-four hours. Memories of the attack were mixing with memories of his best friends yelling at each other, and Colin could feel his chest tightening. He swallowed hard, grimly determined to tough it out this time. Ryan's warm presence was not helping his self-control, so Colin pulled away, trying not to notice the flash of hurt that crossed Ryan's face. "I'm going to go home. I need some rest." Colin kept his voice carefully even, not meeting Ryan's eyes. He rose stiffly from the couch, unable to suppress a wince of pain as his abused body protested the movement. Ryan noticed, and his shoulders hunched slightly in sympathy. "I think you should see a doctor. You don't know how bad the damage is. You might really be hurt or something---you shouldn't take the chance." Colin shook his head. He was confused and tired and still felt on the verge of tears, and he knew for sure that a doctor's questions were one hassle he didn't need. Ryan looked up at him in concern for a moment before rising to his feet and putting a hand on Colin's arm. The light grasp was enough to check the Canadian's progress towards the door, and they stood still for a moment. "At least let me look at you. If you don't look too bad to me, then you don't have to see a doctor." Colin raised an eyebrow at Ryan's phrasing, wondering how the taller man planned to force a doctor on him if he refused. Ryan only looked at him, his eyes sad and worried. "Please, Col. Please?" Faced with such obvious concern, Colin's resistance crumbled. He was too tired and strung out to put up much of a fight anyway. Without another word, he nodded and began to remove his clothing. The shirt came off first, and Ryan sucked in a quick breath as he saw the multicolored bruises on his friend's chest. They were randomly scattered over his torso, with some particularly nasty looking ones on his sides and lower back. He was riveted to the sight, hating it but unable to look away. It was like watching a car wreck, except that his best friend was the driver. Colin stood still and allowed Ryan to examine him, his chin lifted in a stubborn show of pride. Ryan moved forward and very carefully traced a hand over the many bruises, searching for evidence of deeper injuries. He bit his lip as Colin winced in pain, and gave his friend an apologetic look. Ryan pulled back, his mind a whirl of emotions. ##Oh, Colin. Oh my God... those bastards! I wish I could get my hands on them! This is just so... it makes me sick to see him like this. And I made things worse, getting into that stupid fight with Greg. I was just so frustrated at not knowing what happened, and then the way he kept acting like I couldn't understand... but that's no excuse. It was selfish and petty and really stupid, and now don't I feel like an asshole? You bet I do. Poor Colin... why did this have to happen to him? I have to do something to make this better. At least he's not seriously hurt. Not on the outside, anyway. Who knows what something like this does to a person on the inside? Oh man... Greg, that's who. He said something about being there before. And now I've gone and wrecked that friendship, and any chance Col might have had for Greg's help. I have to talk to him. I'm still angry for the things he said to me, but I have to apologize, for Colin's sake. He doesn't need to see his friends fighting right now. I just hope I can fix this mess.## Colin's voice snapped Ryan out of his reverie. "Ry? Um... my legs are pretty much the same, if not better. The damage really isn't that bad. So, if you're done, I'd like to get home." "Right. Yeah." Ryan helped Colin with his shirt, still biting at his lip. After the older man was fully dressed again, he turned to leave. Ryan stopped him with a gentle hand on his shoulder, and Colin turned back with an impatient expression on his face. "Oh, for God's sake, Ryan, what now?" Colin's voice cracked slightly as his already tenuous control got a little thinner. Ryan simply opened his arms and gave Colin a sympathetic, questioning look. The invitation was just too hard to resist, and Colin gave in, allowing himself to fall into his friend's embrace once again. The tears were a welcome release this time, instead of a burning rush, and Colin could feel the tension leaving his body. It was good to be held in his best friend's arms, but in a way he missed the excitement and mystery of being with Greg. Still, there was a lot to be said for comfort and familiarity, and Colin stayed in the sweet embrace for a long time. It wasn't until Ryan noticed his friend's knees buckling that he realized Colin was nearly asleep on his feet. Shaking his head and smiling, Ryan shepherded his sleepy friend out to his car and into the passenger seat. Colin quickly lapsed into a fitful doze, and Ryan glanced over at him often as he drove. They were heading to Ryan's house---he didn't think Colin should be alone right now. That, and he had a plan that required Colin's presence. * * * * Part 3 Ryan breathed a sigh of relief as he quietly shut the door to the guest room. Colin was sleeping peacefully, looking amazingly childlike with the covers pulled to his chin. Smiling slightly, Ryan thought it was no wonder the fans called his best friend `adorable.' Colin had partially woken when Ryan walked him out of the car and into the house, but all the emotional and physical strain had left him quiet and compliant. He had offered no resistance to being in Ryan's house---Ryan actually doubted that he had even noticed. When shown the bed, Colin had immediately climbed in, curling on his side and snuggling into the sheets. Ryan's paternal instincts had kicked in and he had gently removed Colin's shoes, and then covered him with blankets. Ryan took a moment to lean against the wall before moving down the stairs to the living room. He knew the hard part was about to begin. Ryan reached for the phone, but paused halfway there, wondering what he was going to say to Greg. He knew an apology was in order, but his own pride had been stung by Greg's comments, and he was reluctant to be the first to give in. Reminding himself that this was for Colin, Ryan gritted his teeth and dialed the familiar number. "Hello?" Greg finally answered, after several rings. Ryan thought right away that his voice sounded wrong, somehow. "Um... hi, Greg. It's... it's me, Ryan." "Oh." Well, that wasn't exactly encouraging. There was a long moment of awkward silence, and Ryan felt himself getting angry again. ##Greg could at least make a little effort here. I hope he isn't expecting me to do all the work, because he was being an asshole too! ## Ryan took a deep breath and managed to push his irritation away, with an effort. "Look, Greg... I, um, I called to say I'm sorry." Ryan had to swallow his pride hard to get those words out, but he was glad he did it. Now the ball was in Greg's court, so to speak. "Really?" Greg asked, sounding surprised and rather doubtful. "Yeah, well, you know... I was upset that Colin got hurt, and when you wouldn't tell me what happened, and then you acted like I was stupid or something---" "Wait a minute. I never said you were stupid." Greg sounded confused, but not angry. At least that was a start. "Yeah, you kept saying I wouldn't understand. Like it was over my head or something." Ryan felt resentment flare up again as he said this, and he waited impatiently for Greg's reply. "No, no, that's not what I meant. I meant you wouldn't understand because you've never been attacked like that. That's all." "Oh." It was Greg's turn to feel frustrated with Ryan's non-statement, and he wondered what that little `oh' had meant. **Man, I'm no good at this shit. Ryan said a lot of really fucked up things to me... but I guess I can see why he would be mad. When I think about it, I said some pretty stupid things too. And he did have the guts to call me first... I wonder what he wants?** "Look, Ryan... uh, I'm sorry too. I said some things that were way out of line." Greg ran his hands nervously through his hair as he waited for an answer. "Yeah... well, I guess I said some things I regret, too." Ryan allowed himself a small sigh of relief---the really tricky part was over. Although Greg's assumption that he'd never been attacked before was still irritating, the apology softened it a bit. Greg nodded in agreement, forgetting that Ryan couldn't see him over the phone. "So, how is Colin?" Greg was unable to keep the bitterness out of his voice when he asked this question. Being turned down by Colin still stung, and probably would for quite a while. "He's sleeping. He was really upset, you know. He felt bad for having to choose between us." Ryan paused, then decided to finish what he had started out to do. After all, the worst Greg could do was say no. "Actually, that's why I'm calling you. I want you to be here when he wakes up." Greg blinked in surprise as he tried to process this new twist. Ryan had been so jealous and possessive not so long ago; it was strange to hear him say something like that. Greg was still smarting from his earlier rejection and he wasn't sure he wanted to face Colin or Ryan right now. **I don't know about this. Why is Ryan doing this? He said Colin was upset that we were fighting... maybe he just wants to make up with me so he'll look good to Colin. Maybe Col regrets not going with me, and Ryan's trying to keep a hold on him somehow. Or maybe I'm just being paranoid. Shit! I hate having to second-guess someone I considered a good friend. And... what if I go over there, and Colin doesn't want to see me? What if he rejects me again? I don't know if I could handle that. Maybe that's what Ryan wants. No... he wouldn't be that mean. Would he? I just don't know anymore.** "Why do you want me there? Is this some kind of trick?" Greg's voice was bitter and suspicious, and Ryan felt himself getting mad all over again. "What is that supposed to mean? I said I want you here because Colin's upset. He hates that we're fighting, and if you came over---" "Then you would look like the nice guy that made peace with the asshole for Col's sake," Greg snapped, cutting Ryan off. "Don't think I don't see what you're doing." Ryan's jaw dropped and he shook his head in disbelief. He pulled the phone away from his ear, intending to slam it down in the cradle and hang up on Greg, but stopped just a few inches away from doing just that. The thing was, Greg might not have been that far off. Sure, Ryan wanted to mend the rift between them to make Colin happy, but wasn't there a grain of truth in the observation that making up would make him look good? Sure there was. But there was no way Ryan would admit that---not even to himself. Closing his eyes, Ryan summoned up a mental image of Colin, curled up in the bed upstairs, bruised and vulnerable. He decided to make one more try with Greg--- for Colin's sake. "Greg... just please listen for a moment, all right?" Met with silence, Ryan could only assume Greg was complying, and he continued. "I'm not trying to trick you. Colin is in really bad shape right now, and I think he needs us there for him, not fighting with each other. So if you could quit being a paranoid asshole for a few minutes and think, you'd realize we need to at least tolerate each other for a while. That's why I want you to come over. Not for me, for Colin." Greg gritted his teeth at the `paranoid asshole' remark, perhaps because it hit a little too close to home. Assuming Ryan was trying to trick him somehow was a bit paranoid, but Greg felt like he was within his rights here. After spilling his secret to Colin and crying on his shoulder, and then being rejected, a little guarded suspicion was understandable. But still... Ryan sounded sincere, and it actually felt good to know that Colin was upset over having to choose between them. **Maybe that means Col didn't want to reject me... maybe he just didn't have any other choice. I mean, Ryan IS his best friend. If he had to choose one of us... well I guess I can understand why he would pick Ryan. Still hurts, though. But if swallowing my pride and making up with Ryan would make Colin happy... well then, I'll do it. I just hope we can both keep our tempers under control.** "All right. I'll come over. For Colin, you understand. Not for you." Greg said this with the air of someone conferring a great favor, and Ryan's eyes narrowed. He was actually happy Greg couldn't see his expression over the phone, because the look on his face right now would probably start another fight. "Fine," Ryan replied through clenched teeth. "I'll see you soon." "Right. Bye." Greg and Ryan hung up with similar sighs of relief. Greg was a bit irritated that Ryan hadn't appreciated his willingness to come over. After all, he was setting himself up for another potential rejection, and only because Ryan had asked. Ryan, on the other hand, was irked by the way Greg made it so clear he was coming over for Colin's sake. Both men were still stubbornly resentful of each other, but during the time it took for Greg to drive over, the anger cooled a bit. While he waited, Ryan paced and smoked, trying to figure out the best way to make peace with Greg. He hated being on such uneasy terms with one of his oldest friends. ##This is such a fucking mess. How did we let this stupid argument get so out of hand? I guess it doesn't really matter now, anyway. I just have to find a way to fix things. Partly for Colin, sure, but for me too. Greg is a friend of mine, has been for a long time. I'd hate to lose that. Plus, it would be awkward as hell to work with him if we're still snapping at each other like this. I wish none of this stupid crap had ever happened. Man... I keep seeing those bruises all over my best friend's body. I should be angry at the bastards that did that to him, not at Greg. He was only trying to help... in his way. The way he thought was right. Just because it wasn't the way I thought was right... well I guess we both got a little unreasonable. When I think about some of the things I said to him, I want to kick myself. But he was dishing it out just as hard... I hope we can both be adult about this, for all our sakes.## * * * * Greg liked to drive. Even in the difficult L.A. traffic, he always found it therapeutic. The radio played meaningless background noise as he made his way to Ryan's house, and Greg found his mood lifting somewhat. **Maybe this is a good thing. If I get to see Colin again... I just hope he's happy to see me. And as for Ryan, well, maybe that's good too. We've known each other for a long time. It'd be a shame to throw it all away over a stupid fight. I don't even know why I got so mad at him. It was everything all at once, y'know? Talking to Colin about being attacked, and seeing those bruises on his arm, and realizing that I have feelings for one of my oldest friends... that's a lot to deal with. I sure didn't handle it very well, though. And what about this thing with Colin? I don't even know where that's going. I know where I want it to go... I think. But this isn't the time for that kind of thing. Who knows, maybe that whole weird near kiss thing was just because we were both upset and emotional. Maybe it didn't mean anything. Maybe I'm blowing this all out of proportion. He probably didn't think anything of it. Probably doesn't even remember it. But... I hope he does.** Greg realized to his chagrin that his stomach was actually fluttering nervously in anticipation of seeing Colin again. Shaking his head and laughing at himself, Greg pulled up in front of Ryan's house. As he walked up to the front door, he alternated between running a hand through his hair and twisting his fingers together anxiously. Taking one last deep breath, Greg knocked gently. Ryan's head jerked up as he heard the knock. He had been sitting on the couch, picking restlessly at the cushion and lost in his thoughts. When he opened the door, he and Greg stared at each other for a long moment. Wordlessly, Ryan stepped aside and gestured for the younger man to enter. Ryan closed the door and stood facing it for a moment, trying to come up with the right thing to say. Nothing came to mind and he slowly turned, meeting Greg's gaze once again. Their faces held very similar expressions: rather uncomfortable measuring looks. "So," Greg said, breaking the silence. "So." Ryan smiled ruefully as he realized they'd just repeated the same exchange that had started their last conversation. "Let's not have *that* talk again, okay?" Greg asked, also referring to their earlier argument. Ryan nodded, and they managed to share a weak smile for a few seconds. Ryan sank onto the couch and gestured for the shorter man to take a seat. Greg chose an armchair that was, not coincidentally, the farthest seat away from where Ryan was sitting. The awkward silence went on for a little while longer, before Greg decided to be the bigger man and start. "Look, Ryan... I know we both lost our tempers before. D'you think we could just sort of forget about that whole stupid fight and move on?" "I think that sounds like a pretty good idea. I don't even know why we were fighting," Ryan replied, shrugging to show his confusion over the whole thing. Greg nodded in agreement, and the two men grinned nervously at each other. Greg was toying with the idea of telling Ryan about his possible feelings for Colin. **Maybe he could ask Col about it, casual like. That is, if he'd be willing to do something like that. I know we just said that we were going to forget about the whole fight, but there's still a lot of tension between us. I feel like it'll only take him saying one wrong thing for me to get mad again. He probably feels the same way, too. I get the sense it's going to take a long time for us to really get back to normal. If I did tell him about Colin, what would I say anyway? I'm not even sure how I feel about him yet. No, better to wait. Maybe I'll tell Ryan eventually, when I've got things a little more figured out. Right now, things are just too uneasy between us to deal with such a loaded subject. I mean, if I thought he got jealous and possessive before, wait till he hears that I've got a crush on his best friend! That is, if I do. Which I don't know yet. Shit, I hate being confused like this.** Ryan watched while Greg seemed to think something over. He was content to let the quiet reign for a while. Still feeling on edge from everything that had happened that day, Ryan was a bit worried about the wrong thing being said and setting off the whole stupid argument again. He shifted uncomfortably and reached into his shirt pocket for yet another cigarette. The empty pack reminded him that he had smoked the last of them while waiting for Greg to arrive. Biting his lip, Ryan dropped his hand back into his lap and wondered if he should say something. ##Well, this is fucking awkward, isn't it. I hope we can get past this whole tension thing pretty soon, or it's going to be hell working with Greg. Maybe we should go check on Colin or something. At least that would be something to do. Or maybe we should try to figure out why we started fighting in the first place. No... that's a good way to mess things up again right there. Cause if I start thinking about why I got so mad, I'm just going to lose my temper all over again. Greg was right before, when he said we should just forget it. Which leaves me with nothing to talk about. Great.## "So... how is Col doing?" Greg asked, saving Ryan from coming up with some kind of inane small talk. "He's all right, I guess. I got a good look at him after... um, after you left." Ryan swallowed slightly as he realized just how close he had come to making some disparaging comment about kicking Greg out of his trailer. "What kind of good look?" Greg sounded suspicious and a little jealous, and Ryan felt irritation threatening to rise up again. He bit back a sharp retort and took another deep breath. To tell the truth, the deep breaths weren't doing a whole hell of a lot, but Ryan kept trying anyway. "I could tell he was in pain. So I said if he wouldn't go to a doctor, he should at least let me check him out. He took his shirt off so I could see the damage." Gritting his teeth at the memory of what those assholes had done to his friend, Ryan gave Greg a grim look. Greg nodded in acceptance, trying to ignore the pang of jealousy that went through him at the thought of someone else getting to see Colin without a shirt. Especially when that someone else was Ryan. It was getting harder and harder to convince himself that his feelings for Colin might not be real. "Was it bad? Is he really okay?" Greg asked worriedly. "Well, I'm no doctor, but I didn't see anything that looked... y'know, like he needed to go to the hospital or anything." Greg seemed to accept this answer, and Ryan felt a touch of vindication. At least Greg wasn't questioning his intelligence anymore. "Those bastards really did a number on him, though," Ryan continued, anger darkening his green eyes. Greg narrowed his own eyes in agreement, wishing he could get his hands on whoever did this to Colin. Something about the shy, sweet-natured Canadian sparked his protective instincts, and Greg could tell Ryan felt the same way. Once again, anger ran high between the two men, but this time it was directed at a deserving target instead of at each other. As he looked back over the way he had been acting, Greg started to feel really foolish. Now, sitting there in Ryan's living room and seeing his wide protective streak for Colin, Greg realized why they had both gotten so angry over such a silly argument. They were both really mad at the situation Colin was in, and the unfairness of it all. Greg shook his head ruefully, suddenly seeing things in a new light. **Oh man, I've been such an asshole about this. I should've told Ryan right away, instead of trying to keep him out of things. I accused him of being jealous, when it was really me who wanted to keep Colin all to myself. And all those things I said to him... about his back and stuff... God, I'm such an idiot. I can't believe we let things get so out of hand. Ryan's one of my best friends, for crying out loud, and I nearly blew it over some piddly little shit. I've had enough of this ridiculous tension. It was a stupid fight, and it's time to put it behind us once and for all.** "Ryan. Listen, I'm really sorry. I said some really fucked up things, man." Greg was shaking his head, looking at Ryan with apologetic eyes. Ryan smiled slightly, relieved at the change in Greg's attitude. "Yeah, well, you weren't the only one. I was out of line too---" "But I was worse. That thing I said about you faking the back problems for attention... shit, Ryan, I know that's not true. I can't believe I said something so stupid. I'm really sorry." Greg paused, then laughed depreciatingly. "Wow, I keep saying that, don't I?" "You don't need to, either," Ryan replied. "I mean, after I called you a talentless hack... oh, man, I was being *such* an asshole." Ryan looked up at Greg to see him smiling and nodding slightly, and he laughed a little. "Don't disagree with me all at once there, Greg." Grinning in return, Greg shrugged and said, "I'll start disagreeing with you when you get something wrong, okay?" "Smartass." "You'll notice that I'm still not disagreeing." They both broke into laughter, and the last of the tension in the room dissipated like smoke. Ryan leaned back and patted the couch cushion next to him in invitation. Greg rolled his eyes and snorted, but his scoffing attitude didn't stop him from joining Ryan on the couch. They stared at each other for a moment with relieved, goofy looks on their faces. "Oh shit, I get the feeling I know what's coming. We're going to hug now, aren't we?" Greg asked this question with the same tone he might use to ask, `You're going to shove sharp sticks under my fingernails now, aren't you?' Ryan grinned his patented evil grin and nodded, breaking into giggles at the beleaguered expression on Greg's face. Throwing up his hands in an exaggerated gesture of surrender, Greg allowed Ryan to hug him, and smiled happily as he returned the embrace. They stayed like that for a little while before pulling apart again, and Greg couldn't help but compare this hug to the one he had shared with Colin earlier that day. The two were very different, and affected him in very different ways. It was no good trying to deny it---he was attracted to Colin. With Ryan, it was just friendship, with Colin, it was... more. **If I think about it, I can still feel Colin's arms around me. The way he felt, and sounded, and even his scent... I've hugged Col before, but I never really noticed him like that. I don't know if it was the closeness of talking about those things, or just that the time was right, or what. Have I ever felt attracted to him before? I'm not sure... although sometimes I did feel jealous when one of the other guys would kiss him. Seems like everybody's kissed Colin on the show at least once. Well, when it comes down to it, I've kissed him too. But it was a stage kiss, close-mouthed and chaste, just for laughs. Now why would I think of it that way? Because I wanted it to be more? I just don't know, but I sure am glad things are okay with Ryan again. If we were still fighting, I would never be able to get close to Col. He's just too loyal to Ryan---which is a good thing, I guess. That's one of the things I like about Colin, actually. He's loyal, and sweet, and funny, and nice to people even when he's down, and... oh, shit, I sound like a teenage girl with a fucking crush or something.** "Seriously, Greg, I really am sorry," Ryan said, breaking Greg's chain of thought. "Would you quit saying that? That's supposed to be my line," Greg replied, with laughter in his voice but real feeling in his eyes. "Oh, sorry." Ryan blinked as he realized what he had just said and they both got to giggling again. The emotional strain of dealing with Colin's attack and their own tempers had left them feeling rather giddy, and the giggling didn't seem likely to end anytime soon. Ryan slung a casual arm around Greg's shoulders, and they leaned back together, both smiling happily. Suddenly, they heard a hoarse shout from upstairs, followed by a muffled crash. Ryan and Greg stared at each other for a moment, wide- eyed, and then Ryan led the way up the stairs to where Colin was supposed to be sleeping. Greg followed, and they burst through the guest room door together. The room was lit by the fading sunlight coming through the windows and sliding across the empty, tousled bed. The blankets were half on and half off the side of the bed, and as Ryan and Greg watched, they finished slipping off and landed on the floor next to Colin. Exchanging a quick glance of concern and confusion, Ryan and Greg moved to Colin's side. He was sitting in an awkward position, still tangled in the sheets. Trembling hands covered his face and he was rocking slightly, breathing in rapid near-sobs. When Greg and Ryan each laid a tentative hand on his shoulders, Colin looked up. His mouth worked as he tried to come up with something to say, and he lifted his hands in a gesture of helplessness. "I fell off the bed," Colin said, as if that would explain everything. He seemed rather dazed and disoriented, and the two men standing over him carefully helped him up. Colin sat on the edge of the mattress and looked back and forth between Ryan and Greg with an expression of confusion, but said nothing. "Um... why did you fall, buddy?" Ryan asked gently. "Had a dream. Um... nightmare, really. When I woke up, I guess I was moving, cause I got tangled up and fell. Oops?" Colin offered the last word with a nervous giggle, in a transparent effort to shrug the whole thing off. Greg and Ryan exchanged another concerned look, and then took up positions on either side of Colin. They both put an arm around the still-trembling Canadian, being careful not to hurt him. Ryan gently stroked his back while Greg pulled the balding head to his shoulder and murmured soothing, nonsensical things in his ear. Surrounded by such warm support, Colin's shaking quickly subsided, and he took a few ragged breaths before lapsing into calmer respiration. Lifting his head, Colin looked at Greg quizzically. He then shifted his gaze to Ryan, then back to Greg, a clear question written on his face. Ryan answered it by putting a hand on Greg's shoulder, and Greg grinned at him, slinging an arm around the taller man's slim waist. Colin's jaw dropped slightly and his dark eyes filled with confusion. //What the fuck? I mean, what the fuck? Weren't they just yelling at each other the last time I saw them? How long have I been sleeping, a week or something? Oh man... my head really hurts. So does my everything else, now that I think of it. I am *definitely* getting too old for this shit. And what's with the goofy grin those two are giving each other? Looks like they're actually enjoying confusing the hell out of me. Feels good to see them smiling at each other again, though. Feels even better to be sitting here with them. God, that was a nasty nightmare. I can't believe that I fell off the bed, though... if I didn't feel stupid before, I sure do now. Nah, fuck that, I'm too tired to worry about feeling stupid. I'm with my two best friends, and they're giving me all the attention I can handle. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts.// Colin shifted slightly, leaning into Greg and dropping his head tiredly on the younger man's shoulder again. Greg grinned widely at the gesture of trust, and he looked up to see Ryan watching him curiously. There was no sign of the jealousy that had so recently occupied those green eyes; instead, Ryan felt only interested speculation. ##Well, well... I wonder what that's all about. Greg sure seems to like it, and so does Colin. Is there something going on between them that I don't know about? Nah, Col would've told me if there was. Wait... if I remember right, when Colin fell asleep in my trailer earlier, Greg was playing with his hair. I thought it was a little weird at the time, but I got... distracted, and forgot about it. I'm going to have to ask him about that later, I think. This could get interesting.## They stayed perched on the edge of the bed for a little while longer as Colin soaked up the friendly support, but eventually he seemed to shake himself awake and stood up. Greg and Ryan followed suit and they all looked at each other for a second, before all speaking at once. "I should---" "Maybe---" "I think---" They all stopped and grinned at each other, then Greg and Ryan gestured for Colin to go first. He snorted in disbelief, wondering when they were going to stop treating him like a delicate child. His amusement and exasperation with their mother-hen attitudes didn't stop him from enjoying it, though. "Well, I was going to say, I feel like shit. Maybe I could get a little Tylenol, and a hot shower?" Ryan nodded in acquiescence and stepped out, presumably in search of some Tylenol. Greg stared at Colin for a long moment, wondering just how he could be of assistance with the shower. Colin noticed his speculative gaze and a tiny smile played around the corners of his mouth as he looked at Greg through his eyelashes. The expression was deliberately flirty, and Greg couldn't seem to look away. His mind was busily conjuring up images of Colin in the shower-- -naked and wet, with the water running through his sparse chest hair and along the smooth muscular thighs, his skin flushed from the hot water, eyes closed and head thrown back as he stood under the spray--- it was suddenly too warm in the room and Greg sucked in a quick breath, trying to cool down. Colin couldn't suppress a grin at the look on Greg's face. He wasn't sure what Greg was thinking---hell, he wasn't even sure what *he* was thinking---but the feeling in the room was exciting and very interesting, and Colin wanted to explore it further. He opened his mouth slightly and widened his eyes just to see what Greg's reaction would be, and was gratified to see the flush that crept into the younger man's face. Greg's feet took a step towards Colin without his permission, and he looked at them in surprise for a moment before jerking his gaze back up to the smiling Canadian. They were close enough to reach out and touch each other, and Greg could feel his traitorous hands getting ready to do just that. Colin's dark bedroom eyes seemed to grow large and luminous, and he leaned forward slightly. Both men jumped in surprise when Ryan spoke from the doorway. "Uh... guys? I've got that Tylenol for you, Col... " Ryan trailed off uncertainly, taking in the strange scene. Greg was looking down sheepishly, standing close to Colin and sneaking occasional, involuntary glimpses of him, in between rather guilty looks in Ryan's direction. He felt like a kid who had been caught jerking off, and he was glad the dim lighting in the room didn't show his burning face. Colin was looking distracted as well; he had that shifty-eyed deer in the headlights look that he did so well. He kept shooting confused, speculative glances in Greg's direction, and a slight smile graced his lips. The moment stretched out into several moments before Ryan got uncomfortable and stepped into the room, breaking the current of sexual tension running between Colin and Greg. He handed the bottle of painkillers to Colin, who reached out and took them in a reflexive gesture, not really looking at them. Ryan put a hand on his best friend's shoulder and shook him gently, trying to get his attention. "Hello, earth to Colin, come in Colin. You going to get that shower or what?" Ryan kept his voice soft, without its usual edge. Ever since he had seen those nasty bruises on Colin's body, he had been treating the man with kid gloves, and he didn't plan to stop anytime soon. "Right, yeah," Colin replied, seeming to wake up. He looked at Greg again, and added in a lower voice, "The shower. Yeah. Sounds good to me." Greg giggled nervously and shot Colin a look of confused disbelief, wondering just what was being suggested here. Ryan looked between the two of them like a spectator at a tennis match until Colin turned and headed for the bathroom, Tylenol in hand. Greg stared after him until he was out of sight, and then turned to see Ryan staring at him with raised eyebrows and a slight smile. "What?" Greg asked, completely failing to sound innocent. Ryan snorted laughter and shook his head, grinning widely. "I think you know damn well what, Greg. What was that all about?" "What was what all about?" Greg asked, trying to dodge the question. Ryan simply looked at him, clearly not buying it. Sighing in resignation, Greg plopped down on the bed and bit his lip, trying to figure out how to explain something to Ryan that he didn't even understand himself. Ryan looked at him for a moment before taking pity on the obviously confused man and sitting next to him, throwing an arm around his shoulders. Greg looked up and smiled appreciatively for a moment, thinking again how glad he was to not be fighting with Ryan anymore. "Okay," Greg began, staring at his hands, "here's the thing. I don't really know what's going on with me and Colin. It might be nothing. It's just that lately, when I look at him..." Greg trailed off, lifting his arms in a gesture of helplessness. "Come on, Greg, even I could see what was going on in here. How can you not notice something like that?" Ryan was smirking---he loved to tease. Greg looked up sharply at Ryan's question, wondering just what Ryan thought he had seen. **What *was* going on in here? I don't really know... all I know is Colin was looking at me and the only thing I could see was those big, dark eyes of his. That, and his body... and his smile... and oh man, I've got it so bad. Ryan's right, it's pretty fucking obvious how I feel, isn't it? But how does Colin feel? He did seem to be deliberately teasing me, but maybe that was in my head. The way I want him, anything he does would turn me on. But isn't this kind of sudden? I never felt this way about him before... did I?** "Look, Ryan, I don't want you to tell Colin about this." "Tell him what? That you've got a crush on him? Awww... " Ryan grinned widely at the look on Greg's face, and nudged him gently with a shoulder to show he was only kidding. "I mean it, he doesn't need to know right now. It's terrible timing, right after the attack and everything. Plus, I don't know how he feels about me." Greg was frowning at his hands again, remembering the way Colin had rejected him earlier. He knew that Colin really hadn't had much choice, and rationally he understood the decision, but it still hurt. Ryan shook his head, chuckling at the picture of sarcastic, cynical Greg acting like a lovesick puppy. Curiously, Ryan asked, "Just how long have you felt this way?" Shrugging, Greg shook his head slightly and answered, "I don't really know. Looking back, I guess I've been attracted to him for a while. It just took this whole gay-bashing thing to bring it into focus for me." Neither of the men sitting on the bed noticed the bathroom door opening, allowing a few tendrils of steam to escape. Colin's head poked out of the doorway as he looked at Ryan and Greg. Their backs were to him, and he stood there, still wet from the shower and clad only in one of Ryan's leopard-print towels. "But you've felt this way for a long time?" Ryan prompted, when Greg seemed to run out of words. "Yeah," Greg answered, nodding. "I think I have. I know it always made me jealous when he would kiss someone else... especially you," he added, looking sheepishly at Ryan. "Why?" Ryan asked, blinking in confusion. "I guess... he's always been so close to you. I just wished he was that close to me." Greg looked at Ryan openly, showing a rare vulnerability. "Of all my friends, Colin's probably the one I value the most. He's just such a good person, y'know? He really cares about other people. It's a quality I wish I had." Listening from the doorway, Colin felt a soft smile come to his lips as Greg's words hit home. He'd felt the sexual tension, and it was certainly fun and exciting to play with, but apparently it went beyond that. Greg seemed to have feelings for him that were more than just physical attraction. This added a whole new dimension to things, and Colin swallowed, wondering if he was ready for this. //Wow... didn't see this one coming. Greg's always been so independent and tough; I never really thought he would be interested in me. Although... he's always the one to stand up for me when it seems necessary. I remember that time we were doing a live stage act and that heckler got out of hand. Greg really tore him up, because he was going after me. I didn't think much of it at the time, but maybe... maybe there was something behind it. I don't know how I feel about Greg, but there's no denying that he's attractive. There's a real spark between us... if Ryan hadn't walked into the room with the Tylenol when he did, I'm not sure what would have happened. And I want to explore that spark... but something deeper than sexual attraction? I just don't know. It would be fun to find out, though!// Ryan was nodding in agreement with Greg's assessment---he admired Colin's genuine sweetness and compassion as well. But he wasn't attracted to Colin physically, and that was the area he was curious about. "Sure, Greg, I love Col too, we all do, but you're the only one who turns into a puddle when he looks at you." Greg lightly smacked the taller man's chest, giving him a dirty look, which only made Ryan's grin even wider. "I don't turn into a puddle!" At Ryan's skeptical look, Greg dropped his eyes and shrugged, finally admitting, "Well, okay, maybe a little bit." Greg smiled as a particularly sweet memory came back to him. "You remember the time Colin kissed me on the Whose Line set?" Ryan nodded, smirking, and Greg continued. "I think that was when the sexual attraction really started. Before that it was just friendship and admiration, but after that kiss... I know it was just for a game, but it felt really good to me. Since then, I've wanted more, I just didn't realize it." Colin decided he'd heard enough. Despite feeling a little guilty for eavesdropping, he couldn't suppress a smile at Greg's admission. He had enjoyed the kiss too, and he'd always been curious as to how Greg felt about it. Colin had kissed just about everyone on the Whose Line cast at one point or another, but he wasn't into women and most of the men were straight. Greg was the only one with... potential. Stepping into their line of sight, Colin smiled at Ryan and Greg, who stared at him with identical expressions of surprise. Then, as he watched, Greg's face reddened considerably and his eyes widened, taking in the view. Colin stood still, feeling a bit self-conscious but figuring he owed Greg for eavesdropping, and let him look. Greg felt like his eyes were glazing over. Most of Colin's body was exposed, with only that brightly colored towel around his waist. Water still ran in rivulets down his chest and legs, and his hair was darkly moist, sticking up adorably. Clashing with the smooth pink of his flushed skin were the many dark bruises, which Greg was seeing for the first time. The sight made him wince in sympathy, and he rose to his feet, taking a step toward Colin in an instinctive attempt to help him. Colin only smiled that little half-smile of his, and Greg realized that his help wasn't needed. Colin was resilient, and he was going to be just fine. The sight of those painful-looking bruises still tweaked Greg's protective tendencies though, and he raised his hands as if to touch Colin, then stopped with his fingertips hovering uncertainly over the damp skin. They stood perfectly still like that, Colin in a towel, arms at his sides and a soft smile on his face, Greg with his hands still outstretched but not touching, until Ryan broke the silence with a pointed clearing of his throat. Greg dropped his hands and looked uncertainly at Colin, who was still smiling as he rolled his eyes in Ryan's direction. Ryan snorted in exasperation and said, "Would you two just kiss already and get it over with? The sexual tension is driving me crazy." Greg's eyes widened as Colin grinned and stepped forward, putting his arms assertively around the younger man's waist. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment, until Ryan sighed impatiently, and then Colin placed a gentle hand on the back of Greg's neck, and pulled him in until their lips touched. Greg kept his eyes open, afraid if he closed them he would wake up in bed and find it had all been a dream. Over Colin's bare shoulder, he could see Ryan get up and move to the doorway, tossing the two of them an amused look. "Awwww, aren't you two just the cutest thing!" Ryan said in his saccharine sweet Carol Channing voice. Greg was looking at Ryan and was startled when Colin took the kiss to the next level, lightly tracing his tongue along Greg's lower lip. Opening his mouth to allow the probing tongue better access, he pulled Colin's body close against his own. Greg caught Ryan's smirking gaze and calmly lifted one hand from Colin's ass long enough to give the taller man the famous one-finger salute, and then he sighed happily, and finally closed his eyes. * * * Finis November 3 to November 27, 2003 And that's all she wrote. *grins* Like I said at the beginning, this is one of my earlier stories, and except for the able grammar- oriented assistance of xfphile, it's largely unbetaed. So, if it's bad, blame me and not my lovely beta readers. Feedback is always appreciated, and thanks for reading. Heather