Title: Always Pairing: Ry/Col Rating: PG Disclaimer: Don't own and definitely don't want this to be any more than fiction. Summary: Ryan could hardly look at Colin without smiling, never could. Author's Notes: I'm not sure why this has been sitting around in my head for days. When I first thought of it, I wanted to drag it out into a longer story, but I don't think I needed to. I'm actually kinda depressed after writing it. It wasn't supposed to end this way, Ryan thought as he sat in the cold, sterile room, motionless as others hurried around him. -- The sun was setting over the trees at the back of the estate. Ryan and Colin sat together on the deck, beers in hand, watching the last of the orange and red hues blend into the deep purple that was quickly overtaking the sky. When Pat had announced that she was taking the kids to visit her sister for the weekend, Ryan could think of nothing more than the fact that it meant a chance for him to see Colin. Perhaps it was selfish of him, but he didn't care. It had been months since they'd spent any time alone, and he found his thoughts drifting to Colin more and more with each passing day. Colin had come, as always, when Ryan called. He never questioned, he never refused, always silently agreeing and following. Over the years, they had fallen into that routine, and neither ever questioned it, it was simply the way it was. They had left dinner in the oven and settled outside in the late afternoon breeze, content to watch the dogs run in the yard and enjoy the fresh air. As the last wisp of daylight fell below the horizon, Ryan spoke, "So, Col, how is everything?" "Great." He responded, softly and rather unconvincingly. "Oh? Could'a fooled me. You've been inside your head ever since you got here. What's going on?" "Nothing, I swear, I'm fine.", he lied, aware that he'd never been able to lie to Ryan. Ryan watched Colin, taking in his words full of reluctance, hiding something. He watched how Colin's eyes darted back and forth, looking everywhere and nowhere at once, but never once looking directly at him. Against his better judgment, Ryan decided to drop it, at least for the moment. How he wished he could tell Colin how much it hurt him to see him that way. How much pain there was in his heart that his best friend, the man he loved, was hurting, and he couldn't help. But he couldn't tell him. He'd held this secret for so long now that it was a part of him. He'd been in love with Colin since nearly the beginning. At first he thought he'd wait to tell him until they became closer, then they became so close that the mere thought of trying to tell him, the thought that telling him could destroy everything, struck sheer terror in Ryan's heart. So, with that, he'd sat in silence through the years. He'd watched Colin marry Deb, and, as if to fill a void, he'd married Pat. Their lives had run as parallel as two lives could without actually joining. Ryan watched Colin, now mostly an outline against the sky, the lights of the house behind him. He could just barely make out the soft features of the older man's face. "I've missed this, you know?" he dared to venture. "Missed what?" Colin asked, although it was more out of the need to hear words than the need for the answer. Colin had always loved the sound of Ryan's voice and he enjoyed listening to him talk when it was just them, when he would take on the soft, low, beautiful baritone. "I've missed us. We never get to do this anymore. I'm glad you came." Ryan said, an obvious smile behind the words. Ryan could hardly look at Colin without smiling, never could. Colin brought out the best in him and it shone through in the form of a genuine smile, one that was rarely ever presented to anyone or anything else. Colin reached over and laid his hand on Ryan's, taking the younger man's hand in his own and squeezing it gently. A touch of reassurance that negated the need for words entirely. Ryan relished in the warmth of Colin's touch, reluctant to break the contact, but knowing that it would end eventually. Finally Colin pulled his hand back and took another swig of his beer. "We'd better go rescue dinner or it will be chinese takeout tonight." Ryan announced, standing abruptly and extending a hand to help Colin rise. They walked into the house, dogs darting between their legs in their quest for dinner. Choosing the high kitchen island in favor of the formal dining room, the two men sat, fresh beers in hand, and ate, exchanging easy banter between bites. Occassionaly Colin would 'accidentally' drop a bite to one of the waiting canine mouths below, an absolute no-no in the Stiles' house. Ryan just watched and shook his head as Colin would grin and shrug his shoulders as if to say "What?". Midway through dinner Ryan rose to get more beer, but Colin declined, saying that he had to drive. Although he hadn't formally asked, Ryan had assumed Colin would stay the night. With the news that he wasn't, Ryan's heart sank a bit. "You know, you can stay here tonight?" he tried. "I know, but I have alot to do tomorrow, besides, Deb would want me to come home." he offered, a hint of regret at the last words. "Whatever, suit yourself. So much for a Stiles-Mochrie party night." Ryan chirped, trying to hide the deflated feel to his words. "Next time, buddy, next time. I promise." The rest of dinner had been quiet, both men enjoying the dinner and the company, but seemingly lost in their own thoughts. It was one of the things Ryan treasured the most about Colin, the fact that he could sit in companionable silence for hours with him, and neither would question the other afterwards. It was in those times that Ryan sometimes felt that he could feel what Colin was thinking. They'd known each other for so long that it was impossible to hide outward emotions, but in those times of silence Ryan sometimes found that he couldn't hide his inward emotions either. Once, briefly, he'd thought that he could feel Colin's love towards him, not the platonic public love that he so readily displayed, but a true romantic love that transcended everything. And that one time, he feared, Colin had felt him too, as he'd quickly stood and excused himself, the moment gone upon his return. As they ate, Ryan's thoughts continually drifted to Colin, thinking of everything they'd shared, and how much more they could have. Could.....if only they dared. He tortured himself with this so many times over the years, everytime thinking that the next time it would hurt less, only to be crushed with reality time and time again, the pain building and ebbing, so close to the surface, but never close enough that he couldn't hide it. As it always did when they were together, time went far too quickly. Before they knew it, it was nearly midnight. Colin glanced at his watch and stood with a bit of resignation. "I'd better get going." "Don't. Stay. Come on. Deb will understand." Ryan begged, a little drunkenly. "I can't, I just can't." Ryan rose and followed Colin to the door, intending to walk him out, but when Colin pulled the door open, Ryan reached out and pulled Colin into a tight hug. He could feel Colin's breath against his neck as the older man sank into the embrace, a feeling that fueled Ryan to cling even tighter. Colin wondered slightly at the display, as Ryan was not an outwardly emotional person, but chose not to dissect it, instead allowing himself to enjoy the feel of the other man's body pressed to his. There was desperation in Ryan's limbs, clinging tightly to Colin, but the warmth of his body calmed and soothed Ryan, and finally he pulled back. "I'll miss you. Be safe." he said, looking into Colin's deep brown eyes. And then Colin turned and headed to his car, calling "I'll miss you too, Ry." over his shoulder as he left. -- Ryan couldn't exactly remember how he'd gotten to the couch, or how long he'd been there, when he was woken from his sleep by the phone. He stumbled to find it, picking it up finally, just before the machine kicked in. The dogs, sprawled across the other couches, lazily lifted their heads to regard the intrusive noise and their master's response to it. "Hello, Mr. Stiles?" a woman's voice on the other end questioned. "Uh, yes.....who is this?" Ryan asked, suddenly angry at the disturbance. "There's been an accident, Mr. Stiles. Mr. Mochrie was hit by a drunk driver tonight. He's at the hospital and he's been asking for you." Ryan barely heard the end of the sentence before he dropped the receiver onto the counter. His mind registered only two things.....an accident and he's asking for you.........that meant he was alive. His best friend, the man he loved, was still alive. Before he was even aware of it, he was behind the wheel of his truck and headed for the hospital. The clock registered 3:06 and the streets were thankfully quiet and barren, and he had sobered immediately upon hearing the word 'accident', so he made remarkable time in getting to the hospital. He pulled into the emergency lot, absently noticing the vast number of cars for the hour. Somewhere in the back of his mind he thought of how horrible it was to have something terrible happen in the middle of the night. He raced to the front desk, barking at the receptionist for information. He was led back through a heavy set of doors to the emergency ward. Ryan passed open curtained areas with children and elderly, some with obvious injuries, others mysteriously unwell. Somewhere, in another part of the ward, a child cried shrilly. They led him back to the trauma area, where he was shown to Colin's room. The doctor started to explain something, but Ryan didn't give him time to answer, bursting through the door and leaving the doctor behind. As he entered the room he was shocked to see Colin, looking more pale than ever, with a large white bandage over his head. His eyes were closed and he was silent, the only noise coming from the beeps and whirs of the machines and monitors in the room. "Col? I'm here buddy, I'm here." Ryan cried, tentatively, reaching out to take one of Colin's hands in his own. "Ry?" came the low, hoarse gravely response from the broken man in the bed. "You came." "Of course I came. Oh Colin, oh God." he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut trying to stop the tears, but losing the battle. A hot, salty tear slipped down his face as the emotion welling up inside became too much for him. "I'm sorry Ry. I didn't mean to bother you, but I......needed you." "I'm here now. It'll be okay." "I'm scared Ry." "Oh God, Col, I'm scared too. Colin, oh man........Colin." Ryan struggled. "Colin, I love you. I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember. You mean the world to me, you are my soul mate.......and God, I love you so much. Don't leave me........" And with that, Ryan succumbed to the lump that was sitting in his throat and he let out a painful, low-pitched sob. He looked up finally, as he felt Colin's grip tighten on his hand. "I know, Ry." he whispered. "I have always loved you and I always will. I love you Ryan." A lone tear slipped down Colin's cheek as the monitors sounded in their final alarm. It wasn't supposed to end this way. ~fin (12/5/05)~