Alter By Kalimyre Pairing: Ryan/Colin Rating: NC-17 Summary: “Okay,” Colin said, putting one hand against the wall when he swayed slightly. “This is a dream. I’m having a very weird dream. Okay.” Notes: Utter crack. I wanted to write and was looking for inspiration in the challenges on Clay’s archive, and there was one from Amara--the Colin as a girl challenge. Yeah. So I did that. Bear in mind that I’ve been through the Stargate fandoms, where ‘genderswitch’ is an actual fic category it’s done so much. Also, there is some het content here. Sort of. ~~~ Colin sat up in bed, and when he leaned forward, hair fell in his face. He froze, staring at the thick locks hanging in front of his eyes, dark brown threaded with gray. “Very funny,” he muttered, reaching up to tug at the wig... ...which accomplished nothing but hurting his scalp. Frowning, he pulled a little harder, and gave an involuntary yelp at the sting. Then he froze again. “What’s wrong with my,” he began, and then stopped, because it was perfectly obvious what was wrong with his voice. It wasn’t his voice. That was pretty much the sum of the wrongness. He brought one hand up to his throat and felt it, swallowing. There was no bob of Adam’s apple against his palm, and the skin was smooth, soft, free of stubble. “No,” he said flatly in that weird, light alto that sounded so foreign coming from his mouth. “No way,” he insisted, even when he stood up and wobbled, startled to find himself a good six inches closer to the ground and considerably lighter. Colin looked around the bedroom, but it was midmorning and Ryan had apparently already gone out. Very slowly, he looked down. His night shirt hung crookedly off his shoulders, much too big for him now, and there was a definite pair of curves on his chest that he averted his eyes from quickly. Another curve at his hips, not slim, exactly, but pleasantly rounded and the legs of his sweatpants bunched below his knees, slopping over his (tiny! Stupidly, impossibly tiny!) feet. “Okay,” Colin said, putting one hand against the wall when he swayed slightly. “This is a dream. I’m having a very weird dream. Okay.” He nodded firmly, took a deep breath, lifted his chin, and took his shirt off. He stared out the window as he lifted one hand, because looking and touching at the same time was clearly out of the question, even if this was a dream. And yeah, that felt real; it had been a while since he’d been this close to a woman, what with Ryan and all, but he definitely remembered. Heavy in his hand, soft, and he jerked his fingers away when he realized he was starting to enjoy it. Colin blinked dazedly and looked back at the bed. Maybe if he laid back down, he’d fall asleep and wake up normal? Or maybe... well, obviously, this wasn’t real. Couldn’t be. He did not just wake up as a woman. That wasn’t possible. But, as long as he was dreaming... well, a little curiosity couldn’t hurt. Walking was deeply unsettling. His thighs brushed together and there was nothing between them. He couldn’t figure out how to get his feet to go straight. His hips wanted to sway. But somehow, he made it to the bathroom and stood with his hands braced against the sink, staring down at the faucet, clumps of hair (hair! Lots of it!) dangling around his face. Then he looked in the mirror. When Ryan got back, Colin was sitting on the bed, blankets pulled up to his chin, arms wrapped around his knees, staring at the wall. He heard the front door open, heard Ryan’s footsteps, heard the clink of keys being tossed on the table. “Col?” Ryan called from the front room. “You up?” Colin said nothing. He was busy with the staring. “Colin?” Ryan’s voice came closer, in the hall now. Colin saw when he froze in the doorway out of the corner of his eye, but he didn’t look directly. “Hey, Ryan,” he said. There was a pause, and then, “Who the hell are you?” Colin almost laughed. “I’m not sure.” “How did you get in here? Where’s Colin? Did you do something to him?” Ryan came closer, and wow, when did he get so big? He’d always been tall, of course, but Colin was suddenly aware of his own fragility in comparison, his small hands and slim, vulnerable neck and Ryan looked mad. “Ryan,” Colin said evenly, finally turning to face him. “It’s me.” Ryan stared. He shook his head. He took a step back. “What? No, wait... what?” Colin shrugged. He’d made it past the confusion and the disbelief already. It didn’t matter, because this was a dream anyway. Or a hallucination. Or he was really sick and delirious. Or possibly losing his mind. Any of those options were preferable, actually. There was a hand on his shoulder, tentative, fingertips squeezing just a little too hard, and then Ryan jerked it away. “What is this?” he asked. “You’re... there’s no way.” “I know,” Colin said cheerfully. “It isn’t real. Don’t worry.” “Oh.” Ryan was quiet for a long time, and then he sat on the edge of the bed, his legs seeming to fold helplessly beneath him. “Colin? Really?” “Really,” Colin agreed, sighing. “I woke up like this.” He looked at Ryan and touched his own face, tracing the smooth, delicate arch of his cheekbone and it was almost familiar. Almost him. “Do you recognize me?” “I... sort of,” Ryan said, tilting his head to one side. “The eyes, mostly.” He smiled a little. “The hair threw me.” “Shut up,” Colin said, and tossed a pillow at him. Ryan caught it easily. “You throw like a girl.” Colin groaned, rolling his eyes. “Funny.” Ryan shrugged. He scooted a little closer on the bed, peering at the blanket draped form of Colin’s body. “So, are you... is it all over?” Colin raised one eyebrow. “Excuse me?” “You know.” Ryan snuck a hand under the blankets, his fingers wrapping around Colin’s ankle and slowly sliding upward. “You feel different. Sort of... curvier.” Colin kicked him with his free foot. “Knock it off. I don’t believe you--something completely insane happens to me and this is what you think about?” “Come on,” Ryan said. “You said yourself it isn’t real. We’re having a dream. Why not play with it a little?” “We are having a dream?” Colin asked icily. “This is what you dream about, me as a woman?” Ryan hesitated. “No?” he tried, offering a smile. “Maybe it’s your dream.” Colin glared at him. “Right. Because this is what I’ve always wanted.” Ryan winced a little at the hard tone, although Colin couldn’t quite pull off the low growl he wanted. Still, the higher voice was sharper, more brittle; he could get a kind of ice queen thing going and oh god, he did not just think that. “You’ve never been curious?” Ryan cajoled, seeming to sense him weakening. “Not even a little?” Colin thought about how he’d looked in the mirror; like himself, only not. Narrow chin, a gentler angle to his jaw, fuller lips, slimmer nose. Still dimpled and brown eyed, still going gray, but the hair tumbling to his shoulders made him look so much younger, and his eyes seemed even bigger in the context of the smaller face. He was pretty. And no, he’d never had the urge to cross dress or wear make up in his life, but... okay, yeah, he could admit to being just a little excited. “Maybe,” he muttered, and Ryan grinned. “Let me see,” he said, tugging on the blanket. “No!” Colin protested, but he didn’t hold on very hard when Ryan pulled the blanket out of his hands. He was still wearing only his sweatpants, nothing on top, and he fought the urge to cover his... well, chest, because the term his breasts made his brain hurt. “Damn,” Ryan said, low and keen. “Not bad.” “Yeah, I can tell you’re barely interested,” Colin shot back, and he tucked two fingers beneath Ryan’s chin, closing his mouth for him. Ryan blinked and met his eyes again with visible effort. “Can I?” he asked, and Colin didn’t pretend he didn’t know what it meant. “If you must,” he sighed, making a show of reluctance, and it wasn’t like he’d never felt Ryan’s hands on him before, but this was... well, different. Ryan’s hands were bigger (but they’re not, his mind whispered traitorously, you’re just smaller) and Colin’s chest was hairless and soft, and he could feel the rasp of Ryan’s rougher skin, the light scrape of his fingernails, the warm pads of his fingers. Ryan was gentle, and apparently hormones were different in this body as well because Colin actually felt his throat tighten, his eyes prickling with some form of gratitude and sweeping warmth. That Ryan would accept this so easily, still touch him with such care and wanting, that Ryan loved him anyway. It’s not real, you idiot, he thought fiercely at himself. Quit being such a... Except girl was what he wanted to end that with, but really, he had an excuse now, didn’t he? What with actually being one and all. “Okay, stop,” Colin said, knocking Ryan’s hand away and curling in on himself. “This is just too weird.” “Why?” Ryan protested. “I thought it was nice.” “It was! That’s why it’s weird!” Colin scowled and wrapped the blanket more firmly around himself and wow, those hormones were really taking him for a ride. It suddenly occurred to him that he was about the right age to be menopausal and oh damn, that sucked the fun right out of the whole being-a-woman idea. “Col...” Ryan slid up beside him and pulled him close, wrapping his arms around Colin and it was so different, being small and light like this. Rationally, Colin understood that he was still fairly tall and slightly chubby, just as he’d been as a man, but there was still a much bigger difference between his size and Ryan’s and he felt completely enveloped, helpless. And that should really not be as appealing as it was. “You’re not giving me time to freak out properly here,” Colin grumbled, and Ryan smiled at him, his eyes twinkling, and he was being charming, damn it. That was sneaky and underhanded and way, way too effective. “We could skip the freaking out and go straight to the wild sex,” Ryan suggested, and Colin blushed. He covered his face in both hands and continued to blame the hormones. Had to be. There was no way he was falling for that gravelly, inviting voice so easily. Although, really, he had a bit of a history with not being able to resist Ryan. That was pretty much how he’d ended up in this bed in the first place. “This is insane,” Colin muttered, but his grip relaxed on the blanket and Ryan pulled it out of his hands, uncovering him. Then there were gentle hands on him, wide palms and long fingers and Ryan was so much stronger than him now. Uncurling him, pulling until he was reclined against Ryan’s chest, cradled, like holding him up was absolutely effortless and Colin closed his eyes and went with it. “Hmm,” Ryan said, a contented sound, almost a purr. He kissed Colin’s neck, a faint hint of stubble that tingled against soft, sensitive skin, and he knew all the right places, everything that Colin loved. His earlobe, the curve where his neck met his shoulder, the little dip in the center of his collarbone. Then lower, down the center of his chest and over and Colin caught his breath, arching his back and pushing up into Ryan’s mouth. He could feel heat cascade down his skin in a wave, centering between his legs and that was so different, not the familiar focused ache but something wide and diffuse, like every part of him was connected to every other part, sending sensation racing and sparking across his body. A strange pulling feeling low in his belly, like something twisting, but so sweet, and moisture slipping between his thighs and Ryan was moving way too slow. “Ryan,” he ground out, and his voice startled him all over again, rough and husky and still undeniably female. Ryan looked up, eyes heavy-lidded and dark, mouth wet, and Colin grabbed his face in both hands and kissed him, lost in the eager rush of it. “Come on,” he said when he pulled back for breath. “Quit teasing.” A slow, smug smile spilled across Ryan’s face, his eyes glittering. “You liked that, huh?” “I’d like it more if you kept doing it,” Colin said pointedly. “Only, you know. Lower.” Ryan’s eyes widened and he nodded eagerly, scooting down the bed. Colin felt his legs pushed apart roughly, Ryan’s hands strong on his thighs, fingers digging in and he got a thrill of fear because it was one thing to talk big and quite another to actually lay back and... and give it up and it wasn’t like Ryan would ever force him but he could now. He really could. Then Ryan’s mouth was on him and he forgot why he was worrying. Ryan was good. Colin liked oral sex as much as the next guy, and Ryan had always been great at giving head, so he didn’t know why this should surprise him but it did. It was different, all so different, the scrape of Ryan’s chin against his thighs and the softness of his mouth and he felt laid open, vulnerable and safe all at once. “Ryan,” he said, his voice embarrassingly breathy and high and oh, that was an honest to god squeal and he could feel Ryan smile and speed up. The pleasure was familiar, but the way it spread across him wasn’t, not in the hard bursts he was accustomed to but lush waves, thrumming through his belly and hardening his nipples and he could feel his fingertips tingling, his breathing an echoing rasp in his ears. He squirmed away from Ryan’s mouth, oversensitive, and Ryan came back up the bed and kissed him, a taste he’d almost forgotten. “Mmm,” Colin said lazily, and there was post coital sleepiness, but not a heavy, irresistible blanket like he was used to. He felt limp and relaxed, but also energized. He could do it again, he thought. He wanted to do it again. “Mmm,” Ryan echoed, kissing him again. “Nice to see I haven’t lost my touch.” Colin grinned up at him and shifted until he could feel Ryan, hard against his thigh. “We’ll see,” he said. “We’re not done yet.” Ryan met his eyes, stroking two fingertips down his cheek, so gentle. “You sure?” Colin nodded and reached down, feeling the familiar weight of Ryan in his palm. Although of course his hand was smaller now, so Ryan felt bigger, hot and alive against his fingers, Ryan’s eyes fluttering shut and his throat bobbing as he swallowed. Ryan wrapped strong hands around Colin’s hips, steering him into place, and then pushed forward slowly and Colin bit his lip and held very still. It occurred to him that he might be a virgin in this body, in which case Ryan was definitely not the person to start slowly with, but then the sting eased and he could feel himself relaxing, Ryan gliding in. “Oh,” Ryan panted into the hollow of Colin’s neck, his shoulders hunched and his arms trembling, holding him up. “Colin, that’s... oh...” Colin smiled and ran his hands over Ryan’s back, feeling proprietary and smug. He liked doing that to Ryan, making him broken and eager. Ryan began to move, thrusting so carefully, obviously struggling to hold himself back and Colin was grateful but it didn’t hurt anymore so he whispered in Ryan’s ear, “Come on. Come on, go for it.” Ryan grunted low in his throat and changed his angle, lifting Colin’s hips and okay, now he understood why women liked this. It wasn’t quite as good as Ryan’s mouth but there was something about feeling so swept up, surrounded and filled by Ryan and it was both like and unlike bottoming. Ryan kissed his neck, biting him a little, a fumbling scrape of teeth and he could tell Ryan was close. He was shaking, breathing hard, gasping with each inhale. “Yeah,” Ryan ground out, twisting a little and oh that was something different, that was sparking heat and a powerful twisting tug in his belly and his skin prickling into goose bumps. Ryan’s hands came down on his chest, rough, grasping, his mouth on Colin’s nipples with the slight pinch of teeth and the scrape of his jaw and Colin dug his fingernails into Ryan’s back and thrashed against the pillow, his hair falling across his face. Ryan sped up, his breathing catching into a gasping groan that Colin knew very well and then he thrust in as deep as he could and froze, holding Colin there. Then he flopped down on the mattress, remembering at the last second to shove himself to one side so he wouldn’t rest all his weight on Colin. He lay still, face buried in the blankets, back slick with sweat and heaving up and down with each breath. Colin kissed his shoulder, closing his eyes against the sudden sting and he wasn’t normally one for crying after sex but he understood it now, how the rush of it could leave someone unguarded and overwhelmed. Ryan turned to him and wrapped his arms around Colin, drawing him close, and the sleepy, tender kisses were another familiar thing. “Love you, Col,” he murmured, his eyes dazed and sated, his heart beginning to slow where their chests were pressed together. “Love you too,” Colin said, and even in the strange new voice, it sounded right. Falling asleep on Ryan’s chest was familiar too, and Colin found he could ignore the extra padding on his own chest and concentrate on Ryan’s hand on his back, stroking him absently, as if Ryan needed the feeling of his skin to soothe himself to sleep. ~~~ When Colin woke up, the first thing he did was bring a hand to his head, and he sighed when he felt the short, trimmed hair on the sides and nothing on top. He carefully rolled away from Ryan without waking him and shuffled to the bathroom, pleased to find all his equipment was back in place and working normally. He glanced at himself in the mirror and smiled a little wistfully. “Nice while it lasted,” he muttered to his reflection. Not that he would have wanted to stay that way, of course. But still, it had been fun; a chance to try something different and new. He shrugged and went back in the bedroom, sliding into bed with Ryan and snuggling close. Ryan’s breathing caught and he sat up quickly, looking down at Colin, squinting in the dim moonlight coming through the window. “Col?” “Who else would it be?” Colin replied. Ryan shook his head and said nothing, one hand reaching out to brush over Colin’s body, his face and his shoulders, his flat, hairy chest and narrow, bony hips. He brought his hand back up then, cupping Colin’s face, a thumb brushing over his cheekbone. It felt the same as ever, Ryan’s strong hands against his evening stubble, and for a moment Colin missed the softness, the contrast, but not for long. This was what he’d fallen in love with; this was his life, and he wouldn’t trade it for anything. “What?” Colin asked, tilting his head to the side curiously, leaning into Ryan’s palm. Ryan shrugged. “Just... nothing. Weird dream, I guess.” Colin blinked once, deliberately, and pressed a kiss to the inside of Ryan’s wrist. “Yeah,” he said. “Think I had one myself.” “Yeah,” Ryan echoed. He smoothed his fingertips over Colin’s hair, tucking a little behind his ear, although it was really too short to need tucking. “What was yours about?” he asked. Colin took Ryan’s hand and pressed their palms together, gauging the difference. Ryan’s fingers were longer, but not by that much; his own hand was thick-fingered, solid, not at all delicate. “Don’t remember,” he said, shrugging. “Oh,” Ryan said. “Me either.” He wrapped his fingers around Colin’s and brought their joined hands to his mouth, kissing Colin’s knuckles. Then he lay back down and Colin curled against him automatically, nuzzling Ryan’s neck and laughing softly when he squirmed. “Night,” he mumbled, already sleepy again. “Night,” Ryan said. “Love you.” Colin smiled and kissed his shoulder, grateful for what he had. “Yeah,” he said. “I know.” ~~~ Fin March 24, 2006