“A Die” By Indy Baggins Pairing: Colin/Ryan, a hint of Greg/Wayne Rating: light NC-17 Summary: The one trip to the lake that changed everything… Author’s notes: Thanks to my beta Della, feedback is very much appreciated, and enjoy! Wayne unlocked the door, and walked in the little house expectantly. The air had a certain closeness to it, but he liked the out-doorsy look that encircled the cabin. Looking for somewhere to put his over-night bag, he stumbled. Looking under his feet, he saw a die, unthinkingly he picked it up, put it on the little living room table, and turned around to the others. “Hey guys, this looks great!” And it did. The house was small, but the room they entered in had a high ceiling, with hard wooden floor and beams. One by one they entered, all looking slightly more worn out by the long car-ride than Wayne did. First Drew, who just gave the whole thing a glance and moved on to the bathroom. Then Greg, who looked around with an appreciative eye. In the back were Ryan and Colin, Colin sporting a base-ball cap and a gentle smile, Ryan a vague air of tiredness, but his green eyes moved over the view of the forest and lake with a certain warmth in them. *** When Colin opened his eyes the next morning, he didn’t really know where he was. Thinking back, he slowly let it sink in. He was on a holiday. He didn’t need to get up if he didn’t want to. But as he saw the rising light coming through the cracks in his window, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and got up. The floor creaked softly under his bare feet as he tried to make his way outside without waking anyone. As he reached the kitchen though, he could smell the vague aroma of coffee brewing. As he came closer, he turned off the machine and poured himself a cup. The liquid was dark and heavy. ‘Ryan’. He smiled and took another cup. No one else he knew would make their coffee so dark. Or so early in the morning. Still barefooted, and juggling the steaming cups, he opened the door. The view was magnificent. There was a large lake, surrounded by trees, lit in an angelic glow by the upcoming sun. A little bit to the left he spotted Ryan, sitting on a large rock, his tall frame being outlined by the bright light as in a halo. Colin approached quietly, trying for surprise, but as he was close Ryan’s eyes fixed on his, and a smile lighted his features. “Coffee?” he heard himself ask. Ryan just moved over a bit and accepted the steaming cup, nursing it with both hands. Colin slowly sank down on the rock, feeling the tall man’s frame against him, and they sat in a comfortable silence together. ‘After twenty years there is no need for words anymore’, Colin felt himself thinking. But then he just looked around and got lost in the beauty of it all. They had sat there for a while, the sun was fully up now, when Greg appeared, showered and fully dressed. The atmosphere changed right away in one of joking and laughing. The men fell back into what was a safe camaraderie, talking about what they would do the coming day. *** A couple of hours later, Ryan was sitting on a rock again, on the other side of the lake this time. His long legs dangling, feet just reaching the water and a warm beer in his hand. When he looked behind him he could see Drew rummaging around in the backpack they brought, Wayne making himself a sandwich with a generous helping of mayonnaise, and Greg stood to their right, pressing a beer to his lips and seemingly lost in thought. ‘I feel like crap, but yet these guys can make me smile’, he thought. Turning his head to the other side, he saw Colin, applying sun block to his head. He grinned involuntarily. Colin met his eyes and smiled one of his shy smiles. Ryan had often wondered whether Colin was deep down really bothered by losing his hair. Like most things about Colin, he ended up guessing about it, and hoped he was close to the truth. Bringing his beer to his lips, he took a swing and swallowed the unpleasantly warm drink without tasting it. *** Colin was slightly panting, trying to keep up with Wayne who was almost out of sight on the trail. Looking behind him, he saw Drew wasn’t doing any better. The man’s face was a very unhealthy kind of red, and his breath sounded ragged. “I… knew… we shouldn’t have… run back to the cabin” Colin just smiled for emphasis, and gave way for Drew. He could have beaten him to it if he wanted to, but something else was worrying him. He hadn’t seen Ryan pass him by. Which was abnormal, because the man had such long legs he could outrun them all. What had started as a simple “race you back!” by Wayne, suddenly had Colin quite annoyed. For God’s sake, they weren’t children anymore. Even though they all liked to believe so. Deciding he didn’t care if he arrived last, he turned around and walked back the way they came from. He didn’t have to go very far, when he saw Ryan coming, walking fast, but in a kind of crooked gait which convinced Colin he must have hurt himself. Without thinking about it, he took to running again, and he knew his eyes emitted worry when he reached Ryan. Trying to break the moment’s tension, he joked “Hey dude, where was the day you could outrun me any time?” Ryan just offered a shaky smile, which only served to convince Colin he really was hurting. “Your back?”. He just nodded. “Ok.” When they walked back together, Colin fought the urge to support the taller man. He would have, but he knew Ryan had a certain pride to him, he wouldn’t just take help. When they reached the cabin together, he saw a glint of amusement from both Wayne and Drew, which he ignored. Greg just scanned his eyes over the two and didn’t say a thing. Colin silently thanked the man for seeming to understand. He followed Ryan back to his room, touching him for the first time as he helped him on the bed. Ryan pulled a pillow from the top, placed it under his stomach and laid down on it, hardly able to silence his sigh. He felt like crap. Total, absolute crap. His back had hurt from the long car ride yesterday, sitting on a clammy rock for hours this morning because he couldn’t sleep hadn’t really helped, and now with this little race, he had just for a second felt like a kid again, running past them all, when his back had given out on him. He cursed under his breath. “Pills?” “On the desk” He swallowed the pills, closed his eyes and just hoped for the best. He felt the shift on the mattress when Colin sat down on it, but he didn’t open his eyes again. When he felt Colin’s gentle hands on his back, he meant to thank him, but the word just got caught in his throat. *** Colin was standing in the room, torn in two. His friend was hurting, and there was nothing he could do. When he lowered himself down on the mattress, he didn’t think much of it. It was just a reflex, really. His hands touched Ryan’s back, emitting their warmth through the shirt. When he started moving his fingers gently, applying different amounts of pressure, he could feel Ryan’s body tense, but as he continued slowly relax in his touch. He could feel the layer of shirt, and something cotton under it. It was warm and slightly sweaty. Under that he could feel skin, the spine in the middle, muscles running like cords away from it. He didn’t know why he was so fascinated by all this, but he could feel the movements slowly drawing him in, as if he would touch every muscle, stroke every part of skin, the pain would be over and his friend whole again. When he looked up he realised a lot of time must have passed. The sun looked less strong already through the open window, and his own shoulders were tense and hurtful as he moved from the strange position he had been lined in. He didn’t know whether Ryan was asleep or not, but when he moved, the man didn’t respond. When he walked outside, he felt like he was waking from some strange kind of dream. He blinked his eyes a couple of times, trying to focus on the question Drew asked. “…he ok?” He struggled for a moment to find his voice. “Yeah. He will be.” *** When he arrived in the bathroom, he stared in the mirror for a good long minute. ‘That was weird.’ ‘Maybe the heat, and the exhaustion of running’, he thought, even though he knew he was making excuses. He focused on his own face. The brown eyes. The blush on his cheeks. He really did look quite flushed. For a second he felt embarrassment sting his chest, but pushed it away as fast as he could. He stripped down and walked in the shower. When he deliberately turned on the cold and let the water stream over his body, he didn’t really explain it to himself in his mind. He had taken to not thinking too deeply anymore. Especially not… about things that could have been. But weren’t. By the time he arrived back outside the door, he was feeling much better. He could feel the smile in his own voice when he came out, asking what they were going to eat that night. The others seemed somewhat relieved, and took up on his mood right away when they started lighting the barbeque, cracking jokes and gently teasing each other. *** By the time the sun set, Ryan appeared again. Drew was standing behind the grill, wearing an apron and a huge grin on his face. He looked like he was having the time of his live, flipping steaks. Greg was sitting in a garden chair, keeping up an amiable conversation with Drew about cooking. Wayne had wandered near the lake, and was trying to skip stones over the calm water. When Ryan met Colin’s eyes, he could see worry in them. He answered with what he hoped was a reassuring smile. He took a seat next to Colin, who had positioned himself close enough to Greg and Drew not to seem rude, but out of the way of the barbecue’s smoke. Right away he could feel the pain flash up again in his lower back. So maybe sitting wasn’t the best idea. “You care to go for a walk?” Colin stood up right away; he had always enjoyed walks with Ryan. It was not the actual walking that mattered, nor what they talked about. It was the fact that they would be away for a while, from everything, and just together. He knew something was wrong with Ryan, but in L.A., in between the tapings and all the rushing, it seemed as if they never got to talk any more. Not really. They went on stage together, laughed and played, and once they were off there was only small talk, and smiles that not quite reached their eyes. Somewhere along the way they stopped asking each other how they were, because the answer would be either a lie or too much of the truth to deal with. Slowly they trailed of towards Wayne. Colin waited until they were out of earshot until he spoke. “So how are you, for real?” Ryan knew Colin was concerned about his back, and so he grinned: “Less crap than before”. But something was more wrong than this. He just hadn’t had the courage to tell Colin yet. He wondered why. It’s not like he would be mad, no, quite the opposite. Colin would support him, no matter what. He knew that. Then why hadn’t he told him yet? When they walked on their conversation flowed pleasantly between them, about the lake, the weather, nothing much really. They both relaxed in each others presence, and Ryan realised he was happy to be away from the others for a while. When their conversation turned to their families, Ryan spoke up. “Col?” “Yeah?” “Pat and me?... eh…We’re getting a divorce.” “Oh…” ‘Oh… God.’ The words hit Colin right in the stomach. He came to an abrupt stop. “Ryan, God, why…” Colin never got to finish that sentence, as Ryan just slowly looked at him, guilt written over his face. So Colin took the step separating them, wrapped his arms around his friend, his thoughts racing through his mind. ‘I just hold him, but it feels like he is holding me more. It is always like this. He likes to hold more than to be held. No wonder he looked so sad this morning, alone outside. I wish he would have told me. But we are never of much words when we’re together. People must think there are, because we constantly chatter in the show. But it isn’t like that. We just understand. Usually. But this I don’t understand. I should have seen this, felt this. Why didn’t he say something before, why isn’t he crying, why.’ “I asked for it.” Colin moved back a bit, breaking their hug so he could look Ryan in the eye. But Ryan was staring of into the distance, an expression on his face Colin couldn’t read. Colin wanted to ask him so many questions, but he knew he would talk, later. They were here for a while, after all. Suddenly he felt so grateful he would be able to spend time here, with his friends, with Ryan. For once he wouldn’t be so busy, running from one project to the other. But the thought scared him too; work had been a magical solution for him to forget everything around him, to just focus on the moment and not think about his life. Looking at Ryan he realised that he really didn’t know what to say, but that it didn’t seem to matter either, because they were walking again, side by side, close to the lakeside. “Hey guys! Guys? Where are you? Steak is done!” Greg was pacing towards them, looking at them questioningly. Colin just placed his hand over Ryan’s back for a minute more, and they walked on towards the door. *** The evening found them, sitting in the more comfortable chairs they had moved from the living room to the grass outside, so Ryan could sit down. Drew and the others had taken to some heavy drinking, and were brawling loudly near the lake, daring each other to jump in the cold water. Colin felt very content just being here, in the company of his friend. They shared a bottle of red wine that stood between them. Their conversation had been light and bantering with the others, but now they were alone the tone grew more serious. “We’re getting old, Ry. I realised that today. You know, watching all of us playing like we are kids. But we aren’t anymore.” Ryan just nodded, understanding in his eyes. “I mean, God, I don’t even have time for a serious midlife crisis anymore!” Ryan would have laughed at that remark, if he hadn’t been thinking along those lines himself. He knew he was getting on what he labelled “dangerous territory”, but he was curious to know more about Colin, which was easy when he was in one of these rare moods. So he just heard himself ask “Are there things you would have done differently?” he just hoped there wasn’t a hint of longing in that question. “Many.” Colin answered right away. “And you?” he turned to look his friends in the eye. Ryan’s face turned very serious, and his voice shimmered regret, when he spoke “A few.” “Pat?” Colin still wanted to get to the bottom of this. Ryan chuckled, but he didn’t sound amused. “You mean meeting her, or leaving her?” Colin was shocked, even though he tried very hard to conceal it. He had always thought Ryan was relatively happy. Or well, at least like he and Deb. They had no love for each other. They slept in different rooms. But at least they had their son they both cared about, and that had kept them together through the last years. For a second a familiar question flashed through Colin’s mind, ‘what if he hadn’t married Deb? What if he had never met her?’ He sighed. Vaguely they could hear the sound of the others returning, Wayne screaming because they had pushed him into the water. He involuntarily smiled. “Well, at least we can still live and enjoy it right now” Ryan laughed back, without restraint this time. “Lets.” ***; When they arrived, Drew and Greg took the garden chairs and brought them closer. Wayne just went inside, mumbling something inaudible under his breath. Looking in their eyes Colin could see they weren’t as drunk as he thought they would be. Playing like children, he thought. He saw Ryan getting up slowly, going for the pills he guessed. Sometimes he wondered whether it was all still worth while. Dragging himself through every day, counting the days until there would be another taping season. Not that he really formulated it like that in his mind. It was just kind of depressing really, that his job was the only place he still laughed so hard the tears came in his eyes. But the view was beautiful, his friends chatting cheery and the wine intoxicating so soon he left his inner monologue behind and just let himself sink into the moment. He could hear their chatter going into politics, but he decided to stay out of the conversation. He knew how wound up they could get. Drew was making a huge point against a certain liberal senator, saying he would lead the states economy into damnation if he could. When Greg raised his voice Colin didn’t have a choice but to listen, and what he heard chocked him. “It is because he is gay isn’t it? You hate gay people Drew, admit it.” “That has nothing to do with it Greg and you know so.” “Oh yes it does Drew” Greg almost spat those last words in his face. “Gay people don’t have equal rights, god, they are the blacks of today’s society, being excluded from everything, I wouldn’t be surprised if they aren’t allowed to vote anymore in the next American elections!” “Greg, you are overreacting. Gays have every goddamn right they could want in this world. I mean, come on, even if they want to get married they can just fly over to Holland…” “It’s not that simple, Drew” Colin didn’t ever know he was going to say anything when all of a sudden it just left his mouth. He could feel both men looking at him questioningly, but he looked away. *** Ryan chose that exact moment to reappear, holding a fresh bottle of red wine, pouring Colin a glass before he poured one for himself. When Ryan entered the scene, he could see Colin strangely staring of into space, and hear Drew and Greg engaged in yet another discussion. His mind was only half registering what they were saying, while he opened the bottle and poured some wine. Only after he did so he realised both Drew and Greg were staring at him. Greg with a smug look in his face, as if proven something. Colin just faced the other way, but Ryan thought he could see a faint blush creeping over his cheeks. “What?” Both men just shrugged their shoulders. He decided he was too tired to ask and just lowered himself in his seat. *** When Wayne reappeared, he came carrying more beer and a glimpse in his eyes that screamed revenge. The others would have been worried, if they hadn’t been so preoccupied with their own thoughts. An half an hour and much drinking later, Wayne, who was still remarkably sober, walked inside for a moment, he closed his fingers around the die and smiled. If all went well, they were going to regret this. Clearing of the little side table, he showed them all a glimpse of the die and said “Let’s play a game.” “What? Like… truth or dare?” Greg laughed mockingly. “Something like that yes, Colin, you’re one, Greg two, Ryan three, Drew four, I’ll be five, and if it lands on six you get to choose whoever. “ “Okay… sure…” Ryan sounded cynical. Colin casted a glance in his direction. “What exactly are we playing for here? Ryan has knack for loosing bets” Ryan looked at him with a glace that said “don’t even go there”. Wayne was looking perkier with the minute and said in an up-beat voice “Well, for truths! The person who rolls the die has to tell something about themselves we don’t know about, and something they think about the other person.” “So no questions?” Drew interrupted. Colin thought he knew what Drew was scared of, but kept silent. He really didn’t care one way or the other. Ryan sighed, looking at Colin mockingly. “And no bets?” “No bets” Wayne replied Ryan seemed satisfied, and Drew was already straitening up in his chair. Greg just seemed intrigued, and spoke: “Well, start us off then Wayne.” Wayne laughed, pulled the little table closer by, and threw the die in a graceful arch, to rest on a two. “Well, the truth about me is that I’ll kick your ass for pushing me in that water!” They all kind of laughed, not really realising how truthful Wayne was trying to be here. “And Greg…” The man smiled. “Come on Wayne, hit me” Wayne held his breath, pretending something terrible was coming his way, and finally blurted out: “I really don’t like those yellow glasses man.” Greg just laughed and picked the die up. He threw with a practiced kind of move, and the die landed neatly on a six. He looked around the table. Both Colin and Ryan were leaning back into their chairs, silently conversing, not very much into the game. Wayne was skirting on his seat, and Drew looked at him with an open expression. “I choose Drew.” Deciding to stay tactful, Greg said: “Drew dear, you really don’t know anything about politics. But you’re a good cook though.” Drew looked like he expected something along those lines, and just nodded. “And the truth about yourself?” He asked “O eh… I don’t know… maybe that I miss England sometimes.” He saw Colin looking his way for a second. So he had been listening. He wondered whether he missed it too, or had just picked up on his honesty here. Colin was so perceptive sometimes. He packed it away in his brain as something to remember. Drew moved over, picked up the die and threw a shaky three. “Ryan! Time to wake up man!” “Hmm” the tall man just kind of mumbled. “The truth about Ryan is… I think he is more like Lewis than he wants to admit sometimes.” Colin, an avid watcher of the show, just kind of giggled, which owned him a mock-hurt look from Ryan. But they all knew he was just kidding. “And the truth about myself… eh… Someday I would like to get married, have kids, you know, the whole thing.” All four of the other comedians thought of a witty come-back to that statement. But none of them spoke. As the silence stretched for a couple of seconds, Drew turned around with that standard smile on his face, and handed the die to Ryan. “Your turn.” Ryan flung the die with an indifferent attitude, but as it landed on a six again a smile crept on his lips. “Colin…” the sneer in his voice was obvious, and Colin just smiled that small smile of his, knowing there was some teasing coming up, but apparently enjoying it. “Colin really enjoys playing Eugene.” They all burst out laughing, Colin the most of all, and replied “Well of course Ryan, it’s kind of fun to get into my more gentle side really.” “Plus, he gets to kiss me!” Drew added. They all smiled, and a silence fell again. Wayne picked the thread up again, saying, “So, what’s the truth about yourself Ryan?” “Eh, I’ve been taking twice as many meds as the dose on the box.” ‘Actually triple’, he added in his mind. “Yeah, but you’re twice as tall too. Kinda makes sense.” Greg smiled, but there was a small glimpse of worry in his eyes. “Colin?” Wayne interrupted. “You have to pick me now, I’m the only one left.” Colin smiled. “Sure.” “Wayne… I think you are one of the major reasons our 18 to 25 demographics have been so good.” Both Ryan and Drew smiled. “That’s why we got him man, it’s all in the looks.” “And I guess I’m happy that we’re all here, you know, together. That doesn’t happen too much anymore.” “Yeah, that’s true.” They all kind of reflected on this statement, and Greg refilled all their glasses with an undefined kind of red wine. *** The night progressed on through dares and truths, both Colin and Ryan rather successfully trying to stay out of the whole thing. As Wayne’s revenge was mostly directed towards the other two, they only had to answer an occasional question, the most exiting part being when Ryan was dared to lick Colin’s head, which he just did with a routine kind of gesture. “You know, I’ve done this so many times it isn’t even funny anymore.” Ryan commented. Colin was just passively sitting in his chair, submitting to whatever dare was coming his way. “Yeah? Is that what you do in the bedroom too?” Drew laughed. “Well Drew, it’s still more action than you get!” Greg snorted. “No, really though, what did you two do? You were in that bedroom for over an hour, don’t tell me you were counting sheep together ‘cause there’s no way I’d believe that.” Drew was starting to sound a little sluggish. Wayne, drunk now but not to the point of oblivion yet, picked up on the suggestion. “Yeah Colin, truth, what did you two do this afternoon?” Colin yawned, and pretended to fall asleep. Hoping as he was they would think it funny and forget all about him, he got the opposite effect. He really had Wayne’s attention now, and he saw Greg glimpsing his way with an expression of interested wonder written all over his face. Drew started to snore loudly in his garden chair. “Well, his back was hurting so I stayed with him ‘till he slept.” ‘Big deal’, Colin added in his mind. But he knew he was blushing. But Wayne seemed to disagree, and looked at both of them suggestively. “So what did you do?” Ryan, who had been quiet throughout the whole episode, shot to his defence. “We’re friends, Wayne, that’s what you do.” He managed to sound both defensive and grateful at the same time. Greg, who had been following the whole conversation took a deep breath and asked the question that had been on his mind for a long time now. “Are you? ... Just friends?” They both answered this time, with a “Yeah” that somehow, through the late hour and all the drinking, seemed to lack conviction. But Greg saw the sadness, and as Colin had perceived earlier this afternoon, he did understand. The moment seemed to drag out, as nobody talked after that, just kind of reflected, the silence only being disturbed by the occasional snore from Drew. Greg got up with some difficulty, and prodded Wayne. “Let’s get him into bed, shall we?” While Wayne poked Drew until he woke up and led him off, he could see Ryan turn his gaze to Colin. Vaguely he wondered, but he was tired too. The ground seemed to do this strange game where gravity would pull all of a sudden, and he found himself stumbling. Luckily Greg steadied him, and he smiled. This night had turned out differently than he had imagined, none of them really doing anything outrageous, and he felt disappointed somehow. It took him a few seconds to realize Greg’s hand was still on his arm. He turned his head, trying to understand what exactly the man was saying here, when Greg removed his hand and showed him the die hidden underneath it. Greg whispered, the alcohol heavy and warm on his breath: “Care to play on?” Wayne felt a pang of excitement run through his body. “Yeah…” *** Colin saw Greg and Wayne worry about Drew, and decided he wasn’t really needed. He leaned back in his chair, letting the cool breeze steal over his face, closing his eyes for a bit. He knew Ryan was still there though, he could feel it. Neither of them spoke, but he knew Ryan was thinking, just like he was. He was pretty sure Ryan wasn’t drunk either. Something had been bothering Ryan from the moment they came here, maybe even before, and Colin hated not exactly knowing what it was. Sure, he had told him in a few words about Pat. But that wasn’t all of it, and he knew it. But when Ryan did speak, it wasn’t exactly what he had expected. “Colin?” Colin opened his eyes and looked at his friend. He could tell he was ready to talk now. “You remember when you just met me? All those years ago? What I was running from back then?” “Eh” Colin searched through his mind, turning the time back for over twenty years. The goofy young Ryan, who looked like a scarecrow with a perm, appeared before his minds eye. He smiled, but he knew he wasn’t supposed to answer. “I was running, because if I would stay, the place would slowly make me become like them. I would be just one other guy who wakes up in his forties, realising he has nothing left to live for. And I look in the mirror Colin, every morning. And all I see is the empty face of some guy in his forties looking back at me. And I ask myself, was this it? And I mean, I was good at it! I made money, lots of money, I had a lovely wife and kids. God Colin, I have everything that normal guy would have dreamed of. But it isn’t enough. Pat and me married because we would be good together. And we were. And now? I have this great carrier to stand on, more then I could ever dream back then, and I feel like I accomplished nothing. I just got lucky, that’s all. But I never loved, Colin, not for real.” Colin drew in a deep breath. He could feel Ryan looking at him, searching. For an answer? An agreement? For once Colin didn’t know. And for once he didn’t meet his friends eye’s when he knew he should have. “Col…” And for a second Colin feared what he possibly would say if he would open his mouth now. What truths his eyes would spill upon Ryan if he only would look up. And he felt compelled to. He wanted to. He wanted to lean over, hug Ryan, talk, anything. But he didn’t. Instead he got up, out of his chair, and moved towards the open door. “Remember the night before my wedding?” Ryan’s voice was so quiet Colin could easily pretend he hadn’t heard it. But he couldn’t. He turned around and looked Ryan in the eye. For just a split second. “I do.” His voice broke. He turned around. “Goodnight Ryan” disappeared somewhere around the door. *** “Remember the night before my wedding?” As Colin slid under the sheets and turned in his bed, he could see that night before him again. It had been a evening like this one, full of drinking and friends but different, there was still possibility back then, still choice. *** ---Ryan was sitting on the doorstep, a bottle in his hand, his shoulders slumped. “Ryan?” He looked up at me. Tears glistering in his eyes. I had never seen him cry before. “Ryan? What’s wrong man?” “I don’t want do it Colin, I don’t want to marry her.” “Ryan… you’re drunk.” “Just sleep about it, ok, in the morning you will see what a great woman she is, and it will be alright.” There fell a long pause. Right when I was afraid he would argue with me, I broke the silence. “Now, let me help you upstairs.” And right before he closed his eyes that night, he looked at me. And what I saw in his there still scares the shit out of me when I think about it. “You don’t understand.” You said. But god knows I did. The next day you got married, and we both smiled. For real we did. I held Deb, my own wife in my arms, and we pretended that everything was all right. I managed years of pretending everything was all right. Forget about that night. That one look. And how different my life could have been because of it.--- *** When Colin awoke he knew there was a reason for it. He couldn’t have slept long, as there wasn’t any light yet coming from his window. When he got up and his bare feet touched the wooden floor he shivered. It was cold, it was the middle of the night. Why was he up? He must have forgotten to close the door when he came in, as it stood open a bit, showing a strip of the hallway floor. He curiously squinted his eyes when he saw a little object on that floor. As in a dream, he took the two steps to the doorpost and vaguely saw in the dim light the black die. It was turned to a six. “Choose” came in his mind. He smiled. Without knowing why, he reached out his hand and put the die in his pocket. He didn’t stop to wonder why the little object felt warm to his touch. *** Ryan ---I saw him look away from me. And for a moment, a single moment I swear I saw sadness in his eyes. Fear, love, care, all at once. And then it was gone, and he got up. I spoke softly on purpose “Remember the night before my wedding?” This was the question I hadn’t asked in ages. I don’t know if he would really. Remember, I mean. But then his shoulders stiffened, he froze and he turned around. He looked me in the eye and I saw so much turmoil in it, it took my breath away. And it allowed me to hope. That night, was the one night I’ve ever came close to telling him. To telling him I loved him. And he knew it too, that’s why he walked away then. Just like he will tonight. He said “I do.” My heart jumped. And then he walked away. God. I went to bed, forgot to take some pills, couldn’t sleep, had a vague plan of going outside again when I ended up in front of his room. Don’t know why. I don’t know much lately. I know I stood before his door, and wished the piece of wood away with all my might. I know when I touched the knob it felt cold in my hand, and when I turned it it didn’t make a sound at all. I know that when I saw him, I gasped. Because then I realized what I did know. What I had known all along. What I wanted to do. But what I couldn’t. And I started backing away from the door, until my sore back was clenched against the wall, the cold seeping through my shirt unto my shoulders, and I let myself slide against it, until I was sitting on the floor, holding my knees. And that’s when I saw it. On the middle of the floor. The die. ‘Somebody must have dropped it’, I thought. And I took it in my fingers, clenched my fist around it until my knuckles where white and I could feel the wooden edges cutting in my hand palm. And then I closed my eyes and decided. As I threw it, and it rolled on the wooden floor, it made a sound, and when it stopped rolling, I thought the whole world would hold it’s breath. And then I got up, stiffly, and walked over to it. I could peek into Colin’s room and see his face. And then the die at my feet. A six. Choose. I turned around, my heart beating like I had done something terrible. I didn’t try to be quiet anymore, but just took big strides towards the door.--- *** Colin crossed the kitchen floor and opened the backdoor. There was a breeze outside, almost tickling his face. It was still dark, but somehow there was more light than there had been before. He could see the silvery, almost full moon to the left. The lake was an immense surface of blackness. There was mist in between the trees. He shivered again. He didn’t care what his mind was saying, or whether he was dreaming or going crazy or anything really, he just knew he had to be here. Then he stepped into the grass, the wetness clinging to his feet, and he closed the door behind him with a dry click resonating in the open air. God it was quiet. He could hear his own breathing. And when he walked the steps that separated him from the rock and saw Ryan sitting on it, he felt the knots in his stomach untie. This was Ryan. Whatever there was, he would listen. “Hi.” Ryan looked at him like he was a ghost, an apparition. Colin felt like he had to explain himself. ‘Normal people don’t meet in the middle of the night on rocks’, flashed through his mind. “Couldn’t sleep.” Ryan seemed relieved. “Me neither.” His voice sounded low, and throaty. Colin wondered whether the man had slept at all. Where they had leaned together, almost a day before this, there was a space dividing them now. A conscious space, breathing and moving like some fiend separating them. Colin could feel the words he wanted to speak lying heavy on his tongue, and suddenly he felt immensely tired. How many times had he pushed thoughts out of his head lately? How many times had he walked away on conversations? He got an overwhelming sense of ending. He knew if he didn’t speak now it would never come up again. And so he spoke. “I do remember. Your wedding night.” He left a long pause after that. This was up to Ryan. He knew the other man was gathering his thoughts. He knew he would hear now what he had meant to say, just hours before. Ryan closed his eyes for a second more and then spoke up. “That’s when I realised... I saw my live like I already lived it. Wife, house, carrier, kids. But I chose it anyway. And now I’ve lived it and I whish I would have chosen differently. But I can’t go back, now can I? I can’t change anything at all.” “You can change it now.” Colin’s comment came out as a whisper. But he knew Ryan had heard it; “Can I Colin? Can I for real?” Ryan looked him in the eyes. The familiar pain in them took Colin’s breath away. Colin moved his fingers. Then his entire hand. It felt like the world had stopped spinning, like he himself had to fight gravity and all around it to do this one thing. But he wanted to. This was the most important thing he would ever do in his life, in this moment he felt sure of it. His hand floated up, and touched the side of Ryan’s face. First one finger, a split second later all five of them. He hardly touched him, just, felt. And Ryan turned his face into the touch, and his eyelids fluttered shut for a moment, and when they opened they looked right at Colin. And it took all he had not to look away. But he didn’t. Running was over. *** The upcoming sun started casting a glow over the lake, chasing away the strings of mist that were still hovering over the water into the greyish pine trees, and lighting up the dark surface until it shone with a blinding brilliance. Colin and Ryan, leaned together on a large rock, right by the lake, looked each other in the eyes. And what they saw there was a mirror of everything they felt. Years of not saying everything. Years of pain, and love. Shared, but not totally. And years of friendship underneath, connecting them. No matter what. *** Colin ---And then he touched me. His hand, it shook, I could see it. I could see a whisper of fear flash through his eyes. And then his hand slid over my arm. It felt both thrilling and burning at the same time. The little hairs on my arm stood up and I remembered I had been cold. And then his lips were on mine. It felt so incredibly soft, questioning, he hardly moved at all, just leaned into the touch. And then I could taste him, I could feel him all over my body and I felt my emotions twirling, all my feelings centring on that one point, where his tongue touched mine and I shivered into the grey mist of that early morning.--- **** Softly they broke apart, and Ryan’s eyes looked over the lake. Searchingly. Suddenly, a rush of birds flew over in a gust of wind and sound, only to make the silence more heavy and sacred once it returned. When Ryan looked back at Colin, he was lighted by the upcoming sun, so much love in his eyes it made Colin feel like that gaze would burn him, if he came too close. He smiled, shyly, and Ryan chuckled. And Colin hugged him even tighter, he felt like he wanted to hold him forever, crush him almost. Like every movement was an indication of what he felt, a subtle declaration of love and desire, and he had only one chance to show it. More certain now, Colin leaned in again and captured Ryan’s lips in a soft kiss that soon grew hard and wanting. Their tongues met and their teeth clashed, which made them both half-smile before they tried again, somewhat more careful but still passionate. Their kiss was far from perfect but it left both of them breathless from the sheer force behind it. They had wanted this for too long, and now they were finally doing it Colin could feel his actions slowly spiralling out of control, but he was too far gone to even care, registering every touch of Ryan, his taste and feel, and the realisation that this was actually happening made him shiver in their kiss. In an attempt to get even closer, he brought his leg in between Ryan’s, and when their bodies met, they both froze. Colin could feel Ryan’s arousal clearly against his thy, his own pressed between them just a little to the side. He was breathing rapidly. He knew he only had to turn a little bit, and they would meet like this. And he felt a warmth rush through him, he knew he blushed heavily but he didn’t care. “Ry?” he whispered in the taller man’s ear. His voice sounded overly harsh in the silence. Ryan stayed put for a second and then let a space come between them. When his eyes locked with Colin’s again they showed desire this time. And fear. Colin knew the same thing must be showing in his own eyes, and he tried not to hide it when he slowly put out his hand and moved it to lie over the cotton grey fabric of Ryan’s trousers. Ryan gasped inaudibly and leaned just the slightest bit into the touch. He didn’t answer, but took his own hand from where it had been resting on Colin’s lower back and hovered it in between them for a second, to settle on the edge of Colin’s trousers, against his warm stomach. The hand felt cold and Colin moved back a little at the sensation. It did nothing to temper his arousal though, the other way around really. When Ryan’s’ gentle fingers slowly lifted up the waistband and travelled lower, leaving a burning cold trail of sensation from his lower stomach to his thigh, and then to the middle, Colin thought he was going to loose it from the tension alone. Quickly he moved his own shaking hand inside the grey cotton trousers and closed his fingers around Ryan’s arousal. It felt incredibly warm, and firm to his touch. Vaguely he reminisced on the idea this was the first time he had held another man’s penis, when he could feel Ryan’s thumb softly trace over the head of his own and his breath came out in a hitch. He felt a rush of adrenaline floating through him, and he staggered a step closer to Ryan, so they were leaning into each other. Colin moved his fingers over Ryan’s arousal with a deliberate slowness, he wanted to feel every part, remember every bit of this, so he could seal it up in his memory. When he came to the bottom of the shaft his fingers questioned further and softly travelled around Ryan’s balls, and squeezed them gently. Somewhere on the burning edge of his mind he could hear Ryan grunt at the sensation, and it made him loose it even more. But what Ryan’s hand was doing, it was stroking, swirling, luring him onto heights he could not remember ever feeling, he could feel his breath hitch and he rested his head against Ryan’s shoulder, biting his lip to hold on just a little longer, trying to focus on what he was doing to Ryan. But he couldn’t, and all he could hear was the soft noise Ryan made, which almost teared him up inside. And when Ryan’s lips touched his cheek, in the softest of butterfly kisses, and softly moaned “Colin!” he came, shaking, Ryan just a few seconds later. But he kept his hand there, they kept leaning into each other, wishing the moment would never go away. Slowly, the silence returned to the lake. A few minutes later, they were both still shivering in a combination of the cold and the nerves that slowly were leaving their bodies. Ryan was the first to move, moving his hands to Colin’s back and pulling him in a hug. Colin complied silently, and it was only then that he could feel he was crying. *** They kept standing there, at the silent lake shore, until Colin felt like he had held Ryan throughout the sunrise, throughout the night. It was the most incredible feeling, and he felt a warm smile on his lips. This was real. Real. Finally Ryan spoke. “Are you cold?” His voice sounded alien in the silence. Colin just smiled. Slowly they walked back over the wet grass, opened the door, and it was when they were back in the kitchen that Colin realised he never wore any shoes. His feet were wet and had pieces of grass sticking to them. He left wet marks on the wooden floor as he walked. Ryan looked just as dazed as Colin felt, to say the least. His hair was tussled; Colin didn’t remember brushing his fingers through it, but he was sure he must have. His cheeks were a bright red, his lips looked swollen and his eyes glazed over. His clothes were rumpled and his hand, the one that was laced with Colin’s, felt cold. Colin kept on holding it though, even when they found themselves walking towards Ryan’s room. *** In Ryan’s bathroom, Colin quickly pulled off his pants and shirt, and walked into the shower. He let his body sag against the shower wall and the hot water stream over his shoulders. Ryan had insisted he should go first. He didn’t argue. Didn’t know what to argue really. ‘O Ryan, could you please come in here?’ Right. His feet felt numb. His hands were still shaking. He waited for when the immensity of what had just happened would hit him, but it didn’t. He felt elated. A strange kind of fire in his stomach, a smile on his face. ‘Wow’ he thought. ‘Wow’. When he looked in the mirror he could see his own face. The brown eyes. The blush on his cheeks. He looked flushed and cold at the same time. Ryan had given him a pair of dark blue pants. They were too long, but he put them on anyway. They felt strangely comforting against his bare skin. There was a soft knock on the half-opened door and in the mirror he could see Ryan walk up to him. He dared to smile. Ryan put his hand on the other man’s shoulder and Colin closed his eyes for a second at the touch. Then he realised they were still cold. He turned around, and held them in his own hands, against his chest. Ryan swallowed. Colin held his gaze. “You’re cold.” Colin noticed he felt shy and he looked down. “Yeah” Ryan looked at him with an unreadable expression. Not an unpleasant one though, thought Colin. Not at all. “You should…” Ryan nodded. “Yeah.” Hesitatingly he took away his hands, but kept on looking at Colin. Colin lingered for a moment more, and then he walked out the bathroom, to sit on the bed. Leaving the door half-open. As he sat there, he heard Ryan turn on the shower. There was steam coming through the door, floating into the room. Colin looked at his hands. When he noticed the clock it blinked in screaming red the digital numbers 06:03. At some level he was surprised there still was time, that it hadn’t been eradicated all together when their lips met somewhere between night and morning. At another he knew there would be time after this. Life. The light was already coming clearer through the window, leaving the room in a shimmery dark. Ryan didn’t shower long, and came out just dressed in pants, like Colin. His blonde hair was wet, still dripping. Colin shyly followed the path of one of those drops with his eyes, from Ryan’s neck to his shoulders over his back until it travelled out of sight. Only then did he raise his eyes. Ryan looked warmer now. And tired. Colin held out his arms, and Ryan answered his gesture in one big stride. Ryan had no words to explain how much this had affected him. He had wanted to feel Colin for years, wanted to hold him, to love him. And when he had it had been so amazing, so deep, so twirlingly much he had to fight not to start sobbing. And now Colin was touching him again, his hands so gentle. And he felt tired, so tired. Although he wanted to stay awake and touch Colin back more than anything. Deep down, he felt safe and warm and … home for the first time in years. Slowly he relaxed on the bed, and with one last look at Colin, closed his eyes. *** Heavy bright white clouds were dancing in the sky, blown by the wind into different shapes, their play casting deep shadows on the forestry land they looked down on. But an occasional spot of sunlight did manage to flirt its way in between them, and one ray of light in particular, met a lovely sight that late morning. The sunlight fell through the glass window and the half-closed curtains, passed the red-numbered digital clock, to momentarily light up the face of a tall man, spread out on the bed. One that squinted his eyes against the light, and unconsciously raised his hand to block it, only to be met with another hand, one that laced its fingers with his. The tall man’s eyes fluttered for a second, and then opened to show an emerald hue of green. The first thing Ryan realised was that Colin’s brown eyes were looking at him. Sparkling. With an intriguing mixture of mischief, worry, and evident fear. Ryan felt a huge smile come over his lips. And Colin smiled back, tentatively at first, but then touched Ryan’s face and in a slow eternal sun-lit moment leaned in for a morning kiss, when a knock on the door made them both pretty much jump to the ceiling. They froze in position, their eyes locked. Embarrassment was in there, some humour too. At some point in their lives they would look back on this and think it was funny. That point was not now though. Ryan raised his voice cautionantly. “Who’s there?” A rather unenthusiastic voice answered: “Wayne. Drew says you better get your but out here because he wants to go fishing by the lake.” Ryan managed to keep his voice steady and even sounding uninterested. “Yeah-I’ll be there in a few” He could feel that Colin was silencing his giggles in the edge of the white bedcover, and he couldn’t help but laugh too. This was just sooo… cliché. Still smiling, Colin spoke up: “You know, if you want me to I can escape through the window…” Ryan followed “…and I can throw you your clothes…” “And I can say I was out…” “Practicing for…” “An improbable mission?” Colin said with a crooked smile on his face. Ryan cracked up, and hunched over in the bed. Colin kept a strait face though, and pretended to consider it. Then he took on an expression of mock hurt. “Just bad that my back is kind of… sore.” Ryan feigned disappointment too, and said: “And yeah, we really need an audience, you know, for the throwing clothes thing to work.” “Yeah so maybe…” “Another time?” they both added at the same time. Colin got up, and walked towards the door. His voice was serious now. “Another time?” Ryan nodded. And smiled shyly. “Yeah.” Colin smiled and opened the door, not caring if anyone would notice. *** About half an hour later they were all walking along the lake shore, packed like they were going for at least a week’s trip, and all dressed in long pants and rain jackets this time, as the weather had changed considerably. Drew was up front, holding a map where he looked at from time to time. Greg walked alongside of him, giving pointers and demanding to look at the map too, even though they all knew he didn’t know the first thing about woods navigation. There was a famous fishing spot of Drew’s where he absolutely had to go to. Why today none of them knew, but both Ryan and Colin had been rather eager to agree when it had seemed that nobody seemed to question the fact they had both slept so late. Wayne walked behind Greg and Drew, but just as his voice had given away, he wasn’t his energetic self. He faced the ground while walking and occasionally kicked at the rocks and branches on the path. He seemed distracted, angry even. Colin, who had been waking alongside Ryan the whole time, not saying much but stealing glances every once and a while, sped up to walk next to him. “Hi” “Hey Colin.” “What’s wrong?” Colin had a twisting feeling in his stomach it had something to do with him and Ryan. Had Wayne heard anything? Was he upset? “Nothing’” the young man looked at the grey pebble-spread ground. Colin took a deep breath. “Wayne, I think I know what this is about and…” “We were drunk man! Just…” his voice faltered. “Huh?” Colin was quite sure he couldn’t follow anymore. But Wayne, now he had started, was in no hurry to stop. “I mean, what am I going to tell her when I come home? Hi honey…” Wayne was cut of by Drew yelling: “We’re here!” He turned to Colin. “You won’t tell, will you?” “Promise me you won’t...” Colin felt confused at the whole thing, but as it would seem to give Wayne some peace of mind, agreed anyway. “O eh yeah... I won’t say anything.” “Thank you man” Wayne gave him a grateful pat on the shoulder and walked on. Colin stayed, casting a confused glance towards Ryan, who caught up with him. “What was that all about?” “Honestly, I have no idea.” The lake looked different up here, as if it was the same person but with a different temper. There were more rocks, a harsher kind of ground, and the water softly danced around them, forming little waves in the wind. The forest closed in along the waterline, leaving only a small space to walk, and it gave the whole area a much more claustrophobic feeling. Drew felt rather strange today. Not only was he hung-over from yesterday, he could sense something had changed, that had little to do with him. And he was dying to find out. He laughed cheerfully trying to explain the subtle moves of catching a fish to Wayne, who seemed to be rather content just to be his pupil for the day. Greg methodically refused to fish, and claimed he was here just for the good company. Ryan hesitated for a second, but then refused as well, putting his back as the major reason. He started moving the pack able chairs they had brought a bit further away from the water, and handed one to Greg wordlessly. Greg bended over the backpack and pulled a flask out of it, took two plastic cups and poured the black coffee, leaving some damp to rise up to the grey sky. “Looks like it’s just going to be me and you then, Ryan” Greg added. But Ryan sat down and accepted the bright-colored cup indifferently, his gaze hypnotically drawn to Colin, who was standing just by the waterline. Contrary to Ryan, Colin did enjoy fishing and threw out his line with a practiced kind of move. His hands weren’t shaking anymore. Which was… good. He hadn’t really slept lying so close to Ryan, just dozed. And watched the other man sleep. God what was he beautiful. And he had remembered one night, years ago, when Luke was still a baby. They had been up all night trying to silence the child, and finally his son had fallen asleep in Ryan’s arms. Colin remembered looking at him then too. There were less lines in his face then. But the same softness. The thing that had moved him were his hands. Always his hands. He has those long, gentle fingers. The hands of an artist really. A painter, a poet. Not a comedian. How they held a child, how they pulled him in a hug. And ran over his back for a lingering second, lower than maybe they had to be. Even then he had been hopelessly in love with the man. In love… he ran the words through his mind. It didn’t sound so… wrong anymore. So sinful. He even felt a small tickle at the bottom of his stomach, spreading over his entire body when he though about it. In love. In love… But then he remembered the image of Ryan again. And saw the baby in his arms. Luke… Colin closed his eyes painfully thinking about his son. There was a way back, and he knew it. He and Ryan could always forget about this, burry it on the pile of thoughts and feelings and touches that they felt they had to forget. But he didn’t want to. Not this time. And he doubted Ryan would want to either. This was real. More real than it ever had felt before. And he was scared, o so scared. A million questions were rummaging through his mind, but he accepted them. This was it. They had only one life. Only so many years left. His thoughts were broken by Wayne, who was cheering loudly because he had caught the first fish of the day. Drew patted him on the back, but in a careful sort of way. Colin caught a glimpse of Greg’s eyes going their way, and then he met Ryan’s gaze. He smiled softly, feeling the green eyes fill him up with warmth. Ryan leaned back in his foldable chair and smiled to himself. He felt content watching Colin like this, with a kind of knowing between the two of them. He did so for a while, until he felt Greg’s eyes on him. The man slowly took off his glasses, and started cleaning them with a handkerchief he magically seemed to have taken along, more out of habit than anything else. Looking down, he brought up his hand and massaged it over his eyes, sighing. Ryan decided conversation would be the best thing to do. He did like Greg. They had been very close in the first years in England. They had just kind of drifted apart after that really. “Hang-over from yesterday?” Greg chuckled cynically. “Not nearly enough, if you know what I mean.” Ryan let his gaze wander over the waterline again, and took a drink from the plastic cup in his hand. He let his voice turn serious. “Do I know what you mean?” Greg sighed. “It’s Wayne.” “We… well, it’s not like we slept together or anything!” Ryan tried very hard not to choke on his coffee. Suddenly, this conversation had become much more interesting. He stared at Greg with a combination of chock and interest. For a second he wondered what exactly had been in that wine yesterday, but he pushed it away before any trace of humor would show on his face. “I mean, we did sleep together, as in the same bed, but nothing really happened… Not sex anyway… And then he wakes up this morning, and freaks out! Talking about what he is going to tell his wife, but nothing…” Greg stopped, a slight hitch to his voice. Ryan thought about how much better Colin was with this kind of conversation, and looked his way longingly. “Well… eh… Maybe you should just talk to him, you know. Maybe he thinks stuff happened that didn’t.” “Yeah right, talk. You’ve been watching too much Oprah Ryan, ‘cause this is not just something we talk about and it’s all solved. I mean, the man was terrified waking up next to me. What does that say about our friendship, huh?” Drew noted Greg and Ryan deep in conversation behind him, and both Colin and Wayne throwing them glances, trying to figure out what it was about. He looked several times from the people next to him, to the ones in the chairs and back. ‘What goes on in the Whose Line soap-opera…’ he thought to himself, and chuckled. Finally he shrugged and turned his eyes back to his fishing line. He hadn’t caught anything yet. And he wanted to make that special dish tonight… he didn’t sneak a case of white wine in the car for nothing… An hour later, both Ryan and Greg had wandered out in the forest, returning with some relatively dry firewood. Ryan lighted the fire, while Greg took out the can of soup and clumsily tried to position it on top of it, nearly spilling it all on Ryan, who laughed, but didn’t offer to help. “You were never a boy scout, were you Greg?” “Actually, I was, but they tied me up to trees and called me “the pooper”. Still have nightmares from it.” Greg’s tone was slightly cynical, like always. Sometimes Ryan wondered when the man was being truthful and when not. About thirty minutes later, they had the soup relatively heated up. Greg yelled over to the three by the water: “O men, we have prepared your provisions!” Drew put down his fishing line, put his hands in his sides and walked over, commanding Greg with a smile: “Well, feed me then, wench.” Ryan laughed. “Ah, nothing like being out in nature to get into stereotypes.” Colin walked over too and closed his hands around the cup handed to him with a grateful smile directed at Ryan. He looked tired, with dark lines under his eyes, but more relaxed too. Drew went into a story of “Last time I was here, I caught a three foot…” which led the others into a long run of making fun of Drew, who so far had caught only one small fish, when Ryan interrupted. “Drew, whose place is this actually?” “Oh just a buddy of mine, why?” “Because I haven’t seen a house or fence around here anywhere. He doesn’t own the whole thing, does he?” “Oh no, I don’t think so, it’s just a wildlife resort or something.” As the conversation went on Ryan couldn’t help but wonder. They hadn’t seen anybody out here. At all. He knew Drew had some wealthy friends, but this was kind of over the top. Plus, the cabin wasn’t really that fancy. He stacked it in his mind as something to ask him about later. Both Wayne and Drew got up again and threw their lines out, but Colin stayed, standing next to Ryan, with the cup in his hand, nipping from his soup every once in a while. They both watched the fishing in a gentle silence. Ryan felt like hugging the man next to him, even though he knew Greg would think it was weird. A few moments passed, and neither of them spoke. Finally, Ryan moved one step, threw his arm around Colin’s shoulders and held him against his body in a sideways hug. Colin rested his head on his shoulder for a second and closed his eyes. They had so much to talk about. To Ryan’s amazement, Greg didn’t say a word, he even looked the other way, suddenly interested in the fishing. Ryan cocked his head and grazed his lips over the side of Colin’s face for a second. It felt so good. He knew no one had seen him, but he still felt his heart race in his chest. Colin blushed a little bit, and smiled shyly at him. Ryan suddenly felt like he wanted to take the man by the arm, push him against a tree, start kissing him wildly, maybe even unzip his pants and… He blinked a couple of times to lose the visual. Wow. Colin seemed to feel some of his distress, as he gave him a strange look. “I guess I better go back eh?” “Yeah, without you we’ll be eating crackers tonight.” His heart really wasn’t in that comment, and Colin knew it. Suddenly Ryan felt tired of all those people around them, all the tension, al the worrying. If they could only be alone for a while, talk, try to understand what they were doing here. Well, what were they doing! He didn’t even really know himself. And he doubted Colin did. He felt teared up inside, the laughing and touching and loving with Colin was amazing beyond words, hell, he was even smiling goofily happy right now… but he wanted to know how real this was going to be. “Colin… we have to talk about this tonight.” He knew his voice sounded serious. Colin nodded. “I know.” And suddenly he didn’t care at all anymore and he grabbed Colin and pulled him in a quick, deep kiss. He felt the heat rush trough his veins, Colin open his lips and his tongue sweep inside, his hands on Colin’s lower back, grazing lower to cup his ass… The next thing he realised was that Greg was coughing. He let go of Colin reluctantly, who looked at him with a glittering in his eyes. Greg walked up, and looked between the two of them, a grin on his face. He was about to speak, but Colin spoke, drawing on his years of stage experience to sound totally composed “Well, I’ll better go back then, thank you Ryan, Greg.” With a little nod he left, greeting Drew and Wayne as he came closer, who were totally oblivious of what had just happened. Ryan walked back to the chairs, instantly followed by an amazed Greg, and poured himself an by now half-cold cup of coffee before sitting down. “Ryan!” Greg’s voice held a strange pitch between amusement and wonder. “O-shut up Greg!” Ryan said, before chuckling himself. More than an hour later Drew decided they had caught enough, and they packed all the stuff back up. Greg, even though very intrigued, had taken Ryan’s order and hadn’t asked anything at all. There was just no way they were still doing this for laughs… was there? He doubted. With those two, you just never knew. But this seemed kind of over the top, and surely they were both enjoying it… But his attention got focused elsewhere as Drew and Wayne walked up to him, talking amiably to each other, even occasionally touching to stress a point. Once they had everything they needed, Drew started them on their way, still talking and laughing easily to Wayne. Greg followed those two with a rather sour face, and Colin deliberately walked last in the small file, right behind a smiling Ryan. As soon as they were under the cover of the trees he walked faster and slid his cold hand in Ryan’s. Their fingers laced together and so they walked back to the cabin, their shoulders bumping every once in a while. *** In the late afternoon the weather worsened, sending sudden gusts of wind their way, ruffling the trees. They were back inside their little cabin, Drew standing right in front of it, cooking today’s catch on the hot coals, wrapped in tin foil. The wind caught on the aroma, and he yelled to Ryan, who came out from the kitchen. “Almost done!” Colin heard the remark inside the cabin, took the white plates out of the cupboard and started setting the large wooden table. In the corner of the room Wayne finished tying up the last of the fish lines they had brought, and then noted to Colin that they might have some candles around. As the back door opened again, Drew appeared, carrying a plate of fish and a current of air in the room, ruffling up the pages of Greg’s book who was reading in one of the comfortable chairs. “Ryan coming?” Colin asked. “Yeah, he’s just taking care of the fire before it starts to storm out there.” “You think it will?” Greg’s voice came from behind the sofa. “Yeah-just a summer storm though.” While Colin finished setting the table, Wayne rummaged through the wooden closets along the wall, finally appearing with some large white candles and a smile of victory on his face. Ryan stepped in a second later, closing the door with a bang against the upcoming wind. His hair was ruffled, his cheeks were tinged with a hint of red and his eyes were positively radiant. “The wind is getting pretty bad!” He announced and somehow he made it sound like it was the best news he had heard in a while. Colin smiled, remembering Ryan’s fondness of storms. He had once told him a story of how, as a little boy, he used to sneak out of the house and climb a hill to watch the thunder and lightning pass by. But both Wayne and Greg started looking slightly uneasy, casting occasional glances at the window as if it would unexpectedly burst in to flame. Drew noticed. “Hey-we’ll be fine man!” he said, patting Greg on the shoulder. Greg tried for cynicism but there was still a hitch to his voice. “Drew, we’re in the freaking middle of nowhere, with no phone line and nothing but freaking water and trees out here, and now it’s going to storm?” His tone went up a notch. “That’s it-next year we’re going to Hawaii!” Drew’s face fell a little bit. Ryan pulled out the hard wooden chair across the table from Colin and sat down, stretching his long legs before him. “Greg, stop complaining and have your diner!” he muttered. “Yes MOM.” Greg replied and then stuck out his tongue at Ryan. Ryan ignored him, instead reading the label of the wine with an appreciative smile. “Wow Drew, you really went out on this one.” “Yeah well, we only live once.” Drew actually looked embarrassed while opening the wine and pouring them all a glass. “So, to what do we toast?” Greg asked, in a somewhat apologetic tone. He knew how Drew liked this place. Even though the man had never said so, it was obvious in the way he had talked about this, even months before they came. “To only living once.” Ryan surprised them all by the soft note in his voice and raised his glass. Colin took up his own glass and reached over the table to click Ryan’s. “To only living once.” Their eyes met, and they stared at each other for a long warm moment. “To only living once” they heard Wayne and Greg mumble next to them. “And to great friends!” Drew added with a smile, raising his glass. And in that exact moment they heard the rumbling of thunder coming through the valley. Both Greg and Wayne twitched a little bit, their eyes meeting over the table for the first time that day. Drew pretended he hadn’t heard. He put down his glass and started serving the fish with a determined look on his face. They were going to enjoy this, whether they wanted to or not. …And actually, they did… Even though the thunder and lightning occasionally flashed through the cabin, it wasn’t very close yet and Drew got a certain satisfaction out of teasing both Wayne and Greg with their unease, which brought the two of them together in defence. Ryan and Colin were enjoying themselves too, but in a slightly different way. The wine was good and Colin could feel the buzz slowly sinking over his body. During the meal, Ryan had taken his shoe off, and had slowly started moving his foot over Colin’s leg, which had Colin turning into a lovely shade of red. ---He’s not serious-Is he? Oh but he looks at me with that look, the one I saw in the bathroom last night. He is enjoying this. He is running his foot up my leg, almost touching… ok, that was definitely touching! Oh dem that’s very… eh… Am I drunk? I must be, because there is no way this would be happening, just no way Ryan would… Would he? Oh no, my head is twirling. And other parts are… well… Oh I’d better do something. Tell him to stop? Well, it does feel… Wait, are we even … dating? Dating? Ryan? No I’m not.--- “Colin?” “Huh?” The foot suddenly stopped in the middle of a lovely stroking action, that Colin had been enjoying particularly a lot. And he was about to voice a protest when he realised that Drew was looking at him speculatively. “Eh?” “Are you done?” Drew’s tone was slightly irritated. “With what?” Colin looked around the table. “Eating?” Drew looked at him like we was wondering whether or not to worry. Colin looked over his half-finished plate. “Oh eh yeah.” But, in a sudden flash of improvising he added, “Ryan and I can take the plates.” And got up. Ryan followed suit and started collecting everything, taking a few trips to the kitchen area and back while Colin piled it all in the sink. Ryan was feeling a little guilty. What if Colin didn’t like the little act he just pulled? What if he was freaked out even? But he didn’t seem to be. They were just sitting there, and Colin had looked so beautiful, his lips full and red when he sipped on his wine glass and smiled, but he couldn’t touch him, and so his alcohol intoxicated mind had come up with the plan to play some footy. And it had been nice, he could even swear he felt a response, plus, seeing Colin jitter around in his seat alone was worth it. But then he saw a gleam of mischief in Colin’s eye and the man proposed to clear the table. Ryan had hurriedly pushed of his other shoe and walked on his socks to the kitchen area. Colin looked snug putting the plates in the sink and as soon as Ryan came back with the last of them, he took them over, turned on the water and pushed Ryan against the counter, just out of view of the others. “What exactly were you doing?” his breath was warm against Ryan’s ear and he shuddered. “Eh…” Somehow Ryan just knew he would be able to respond to this much clearer if Colin wasn’t leaning in to him like that. “Didn’t you like it?” ---Way to go Ryan. Maybe now you scared him off for the rest of your life.--- But Colin looked at him with sparkling eyes and breathed “I did” in his ear. And then, in the space of a second he pushed forward, and licked the edge of Ryan’s’ ear. Licked. The next thing Ryan knew Colin was walking towards the table again, and he was left standing with his back pressed against the counter, panting. It took him about a minute to get back to reality, his mind playing out great scenario’s involving Colin, Colin’s tongue, and possibly other body parts as well. But when he did focus again, he noticed that the thunderstorm outside had gotten much closer, sending a flash of light and a corresponding rumble over the house at least every minute, and in the silence that separated them the sound of the wind in the trees was audible. He smiled and took a few strides towards the table, grabbing his coat along the way. Colin was sitting down again and listening to the others talk. He could feel himself blush a little bit, his heart kind of speeding. He could hardly believe he had just done that to Ryan. He, the shy Canadian Colin, had just made an explicit move on his best friend. And left him gasping for breath at the kitchen counter, he thought smugly. Then Ryan reappeared, putting on his jacket and walking toward the back door, and Colin felt his heart drop. But the tall man turned around, looked straight at Colin and asked: “You want to go outside?” Colin smiled, got up, grabbed his jacket and joined Ryan by the door. “Yeah.” His hand was on the knob, ready to turn it and escape with Ryan, when Greg intervened. “Ryan, just a thought, but you might want to put your shoes on first.” Ryan looked at his feet, didn’t even blink, and went to retrieve his shoes from under the table, looking like he had it all under control. Colin on the other hand, grinned sheepishly. Wayne managed to sound both amused and concerned as he noted: “And you do realise it’s storming out there?”. “Ryan likes storms.” Colin stated from by the door, soon joined by Ryan who put an arm over his shoulder and opened the door. “We’ll call the cops if you aren’t back in an hour!” they heard Drew shout before the door fell shut again and the wind banged in their faces. Ryan released his hold on Colin’s shoulder, and spoke near his ear: “Race ya!” They ran to the lake, shouting exited phrases at each other, which mostly got lost in the wind but it didn’t matter, they both felt the rush of excitement drilling through their bodies, like a small electric charge building up in the air. On some unspoken agreement, they both headed toward the rock, which stood out like a dark ship in the middle of a dancing sea of movement. Once they reached it, Colin leaned against it, but Ryan stopped him, walking behind him and pulling him close. “You win.” He said, his voice heavy under the wind. Colin just laughed and felt for Ryan’s hand, bringing it up and lightly kissing it before entwining their fingers. The view over the lake was magnificent, the dark water gushing up to the shore in small waves. The trees were whispering, their leaves and branches swaying in the wind. It was rapidly growing dark, enormous clouds like vague shapes speeding overhead. Then Ryan spun Colin around, so they were standing face to face again, and he let his hands cup Colin’s face, who looked at him adoringly. He then leaned in, so close that he could feel their breath collide in the rushes of wind, and he let his lips touch Colin’s in a long, thrilling kiss that when they finally separated, both were gasping for breath. At that exact moment the sky flashed brightly, lighting up their faces in a strange imitation of total daylight, and the rumble that followed only a couple seconds later seemed to split the earth. Colin, who was rarely afraid of any thunderstorm, grabbed Ryan’s hand and squeezed it quite hard. “Eh, Ryan? “It’s getting quite close and…” Before Ryan had a chance to reply another flash of lightning danced over the lake, lighting the trees in a vague blue halo before the sky and the ground together seemed to rumble with the sound itself. This caused Colin to involuntarily duck, pulling Ryan with him. Looking at the clouds overhead, Ryan was caught of guard, stumbled and fell on Colin, effectively crushing him between the rock and his own bodyweight. “Ow!” “Are you okay?” Ryan’s worrying eyes were lit by another flash of lightning, and the soft kiss he gave Colin was to an rumbling undertone of thunder. Colin couldn’t help but smile at the idea they could kiss each other now. “Yeah, just...” And he extended his hand, pulling Ryan closer, into an almost-kiss when everything went incredibly silent for a second. Ryan grabbed his hand and pulled. The sky turned incredibly bright. Colin fought the urge to close his eyes. They ran over the grass. Time seemed to stand still. Suddenly Colin physically felt the sound falling over him, through him. He wanted to scream but it was as if there was no sound he could produce anymore. His feet were still running and his ears pounded in a strange monotone sound. The next thing he knew they were back at the door, Ryan opened it and as soon as they stepped inside he felt strong arms squeezing the both of them together. He saw Drew, trying to look mad, but his trembling hands gave him away. The lights were out and the only thing surrounding the room in a vague light were the candles. Despite the gathering storm outside the cabin, the moment Ryan closed the door there fell an eerie silence, only broken by the sound of breathing. They were all waiting for the next flash, but when it came it was still a surprise, lighting up their terrified faces. Wayne was clamping Greg’s arm somewhere near the sofa, Drew was still holding Colin, and Ryan put his arms around both of them. The thunder shook the cabin, and when right after it there fell a gaping silence, Colin honestly thought he had lost his hearing until he could hear large drops of water starting assaulting the window, faster and faster until the outside world looked like nothing more than a blur of movement through that very window. It took a while for all of them to realise they were still alive, and a bit more to see the way they were standing. Ryan unwrapped his arms first, still tightly holding on to Colin though. Then Wayne and Greg shuffled from behind the sofa, Greg straightening his clothes, and Wayne silently hugging all of them in turn. When he came close to him, Colin could see the tears in his eyes. Ryan spoke up, his voice strangely resonating through their heads. “Well that was…” “Don’t even dare to say fun or I’ll kick your ass.” Greg’s voice sounded more shaken than anything else, leaving that comment to come out in an incredibly grateful tone. But Drew was holing his hands in fists and yelled: “Don’t you ever do that again!” “Either of you!” He looked both at Colin and Ryan with such a determination in his eyes that even Ryan looked at the floor and mumbled something that sounded like an apology. It was only when they all walked over to sit down on the couches that Colin felt how badly he was trembling. His legs felt like they could stop functioning any time now, and he shivered, even though it was quite warm inside. Ryan sat down and put his arm around Colin, who snuggled closer and closed his eyes, forcing his body to relax. Through the rain they could still hear the occasional thunder, but it seemed much further away. Ryan said, softly, but he knew the other could still hear him: “I’m sorry Col, I didn’t know…” “It’s ok.” Colin looked up. A small smile travelled across his lips. Ryan noted the look in his eyes and mentally prepared for the worst. “Actually, it was kind of fun…” *** Large white candles were standing on the small living room table. Their light casting shimmery shadows over the wooden floor and walls. The rain was still thrumming on the windows, but the thunder had reduced to a vague sound that every once in a while reminded them of what had happened before. Strange how candle light could make them all seem so… soft; as if it erased all the creases and grooves made by worries and life. The simple light seemed to have washed over their faces, leaving only gentle smiles and half-asked questions. Wayne was talking to Greg in soft murmuring tones, saying he had been scared, and Greg, for once, did not seem so cynical trying to hide behind his words. There even was a flicker of warmth in his eyes as he placed a hand on Wayne’s arm. Sitting in the chair to the left of them was Drew. He had a wine-induced blush on his face and seemed even peaceful as he looked out of the window; his eyes following the path of some individual drop, chasing from the top of the window to the bottom in erratic spurts. He was remembering. Times there had been other friends, cheaper wine. More fun maybe, although not really. ‘The strange thing about getting older is that you never get those young days back’, he thought, and he missed them. Those days that were long gone, the days of possibilities, when he still could have been someone different, but looking around the candle-lit room he felt a certain contentedness fall over him. He knew that somewhere along the road he must have taken a right turn to deserve this… these people. Drew caught Colin’s gaze and smiled. The Canadian had his legs pulled up on the sofa, and his side loosely touched Ryan’s frame. His hands were aimlessly tracing patterns on the heavy fabric of the sofa. They were having a conversation, but none of them would later remember what it had been about. There were five transparent glasses standing on that living room table, the candles illuminating the white wine inside. Occasionally a hand reached out for the owner’s glass of wine, the fingertips touching the glass, slightly surprised at how warm it had gotten so close to the candles. Whenever Ryan’s hand reached out for his glass, it never ceased to accidentally touch some part of Colin on it’s way to the table. A stroke of his shirt, a light trace of his leg. One time Ryan’s fingers grazed the side of Colin’s head, and Ryan found himself wishing he could kiss the man next to him. He held a slight smile on his face, leaning all the way back in the sofa, his one leg on top of his other and his fingers tracing the glass’s rim. Even though he brought the wine up to his mouth to touch with his lips repeatedly, he did not drink much. He did not want to be drunk. Not tonight. Not with a warm Colin next to him. A Colin with sparkling eyes. And a doubting conscience. Colin felt a tight knot of anticipation slowly settle in his stomach. His mind was asking questions his heart would have had preferred to leave unanswered. Were they going to… have sex? It had been so long ago he hardly remembered what it felt like and when he and Ryan… this morning… it had felt nothing like he had remembered feeling. Ever. Ryan… even his name alone left his mind spinning. This was Ryan, his very best friend. Goofy Ryan, tall Ryan, in the spotlight Ryan, cursing Ryan, stand-up comedian Ryan, family Ryan, hundreds of fragments danced through his mind, only to settle on one image. Ryan that I kissed. Ryan whose lips I can still feel on mine. Ryan who is sitting next to me, the heat radiating from his body. He looked up only to see Ryan look right back at him, the candle light reflecting little bright stars in his eyes. Sometime later Drew spoke up. “Guys, I think I’m going to call it a night.” “Yeah, good idea.” Ryan spoke, exchanging an almost unnoticeable look with Colin. Colin jumped out of the coach, just a little enthusiastically, and spoke: “I think I’m going to bed too.” Greg lifted an eyebrow at that, but didn’t speak. “You think we can use the electricity now?” Wayne asked. “Yes, I guess so” Drew got up from his chair, a dreamy look still etched on his face. “Nah, we’ll just take a candle.” Ryan added, and picked one of the white candles from the table, cradling it comfortably warm in his hand. Colin passed him by, his body slightly rubbing Ryan’s while passing and took one too, the white shape lighting up his hand to a warm red color. They all murmured their goodnights, and Drew wandered on to his room past Colin and Ryan who were walking side by side through the hallway, leaving the two others to one candle and gently flowing conversation in the living room. Wayne turned his eyes to Greg, now that there was no one else around. “Look, I’m sorry man, I didn’t mean to freak out like that, it’s just…” Greg smiled, tried for his usual cynical composure, but found that it somehow had gotten out of the door when it concerned Wayne. Finally he swallowed, and went with the first reasonable thing that came up in his mind. “So, have you been raised Catholic or what?” *** Colin placed his candle on the nightstand, and so did Ryan. The room looked different in this light, older and warmer; much like a place they had always known of in the back of their minds, and in dreams. Ryan lowered himself onto bed, the mattress bending slightly as he sat down. He extended his hand to Colin, who entwined his fingers with the other man’s gratefully. Ryan had been thinking about what to say exactly all day, and in the end the truth came out astonishingly easy. “I’m in love with you Colin.” Colin felt a rush of amazement run through him. He could hardly believe Ryan was saying this, even though somewhere at the back of his mind he knew it was true. And he could hear himself asking excitedly, “Really?” Ryan actually laughed, a warm, short chuckle. “Yeah, really.” He gave a short pull on the other mans hand and Colin came to sit next to him. “I’ve been for… well, maybe ever since we met. Do you remember?” Colin looked across the room, his eyes distant with recollection. “Yes, it was in that one bar...” The memory of some evening so long ago came to him, as clear as if he was there again. He had walked in, not completely knowing what to look for, or what he was doing. But then, through the crowd he had seen Ryan, and for some unpredictable reason he had felt his heart speed up. Ryan then said “And I was looking across the room and I thought, well, who’s he? And then you smiled and I know you would be important, somehow. I just knew.” Colin nodded. He had felt it too. It had been as if all light in the room had centred around Ryan, that one tall man in the middle, and all others were just mere passer-by’s, while Ryan, he saw him, he was real. “And then we were friends and God Colin, when you met Deb… I was trying to find out what you felt for me, so I introduced you to her. Guess that one fired back on me huh?” Colin startled. “I didn’t…” He had met Deb, and it had seemed like the best, like the thing to do. His family had been terribly enthusiastic, everyone had been really. But it was the fact that Ryan had introduced her to him that had made it real. It was that fact that had made him buy a ring and give it to her, after years of waiting, waiting for nothing, waiting for everything that never seemed to come. He had wanted to do what other people did, live on happily ever after. And ignore himself in the process. Ryan shook his head, sadness rimming his eyes. “It’s ok.” He had wanted to speak up. But he had always known, more than Colin did, what it would ruin for both of them. The chance at being normal maybe. Whatever that might mean. And so he cherished their friendship, and let Colin get married. No matter how much it hurt. He married Pat in the same year. A wry smile reached his lips. “I could have told you so many times, but you knew, didn’t you? You’ve always known.” “I…” Colin’s voice faltered. “I did. I knew.” He mentally cursed himself. How long had he really known? Tucked it away at the back of his mind? “I was scared. Well, terrified is kinda more like it. I … I don’t know…” “It’s ok Colin.” Ryan pulled the other man close, until Colin’s head rested on his shoulder. Colin had closed his eyes and enjoyed the feeling of Ryan so close. He could feel him breathing, the movement lifting and lowering his head almost unperceivable. He spoke up from somewhere around Ryan’s neck area, his voice sounding muffled. “Ryan, what’s different now?” He lifted his head and sat up. “Why are we telling each other this now?” Ryan sighed. This was exactly what he had been thinking about for the last … weeks. The reason why he hadn’t been able to sleep, and why he was up on rocks in the early misty morning. “I guess… this feels like the last shot. Like if there’s one choice I still have left to make in life, this is the one.” Colin slowly nodded. “It does for me too.” “So will we take it?” Hope was in Ryan’s eyes, but he kept it an open question. He was willing to accept everything Colin could give him. Even if it would stay at these couple days, it would still count as one of the most amazing parts of his life. Colin looked him in the eye. “I want to.” “Will you?” he insisted. This had to be real. “Yes.” Colin never realised how decided he was until that yes left his mouth, but he was. He wanted Ryan; craved for him, for his touch, for his love. More than he had ever done so for anyone else’s. He wanted to be with him, claim him as his, no matter what the consequences would be. “Really?” Ryan’s voice sounded uncharacteristically small. Now it was Colin’s time to laugh. “Well, you didn’t think I was going to turn you down now did you?” At this Ryan placed his hands around Colin’s head, and leaned in. When their lips met they both released a breath they didn’t realise they had been holding. Their kiss soon became passionate, and Ryan felt his hands roaming over Colin’s warm back, until they halted at the sides for a moment, crept under the dark blue shirt and pulled the oppressing fabric up. He only broke their contact to see Colin’s chest, the light of the candle playing out the little hairs. Ryan let his hand trace over them, marvelling at their softness. But Colin looked away. He knew how he looked, and Ryan was… well, Ryan. In Colin’s humble opinion an incredibly hot man. Big feet; sexy in his own kind of goofy way; even gorgeous, the way he looked right now, with his lips red and swollen and his face so flushed. And his best friend. The man who had seen him at his worst possible times. And still loved him. Suddenly Colin felt serious. “I love you Ryan.” He wasn’t just flirting and Ryan knew it. He swallowed. Somehow he wanted this very moment to say everything he had ever felt for Colin at once and ‘I love you’ wasn’t even the start of it. I was so much deeper, more real. Ryan captured Colin’s hands with his own and placed a kiss on each palm, tracing the little lines with his lips. Colin closed his eyes at the feeling. Then Ryan looked at him and moved their combined hands to rest right over his own heart. Colin looked him in the eyes and they sat impeccably still for one long moment. They didn’t need to speak. They both knew and felt it too. When they met in a kiss again it was incredibly slow, savouring every moment, remembering the trace of each other’s lips, the flash of heat at the touch of a tongue, the murmur at a vague nip on a lower lip. Slowly their kiss grew more intimate, and Colin felt himself roll on the bed, Ryan pinned under him. They continued to kiss, but he could feel that Ryan’s breathing had sped up, and he made a little noise in the back of his throat. It might have been his name, but Colin wasn’t sure. He knew he wanted to hear it again though. Near his thigh he could feel exactly how excited Ryan was, and he managed to make him moan as he moved right on top of him. When Colin broke their kiss and moved his hands to unbutton Ryan’s shirt, the tall man opened his eyes and looked at him. Colin had seen the same look before. He recognised it now as passion, heavy, dark passion and he felt a rush of excitement knowing that it was him doing that to Ryan. He knew Ryan had a temper and he had always suspected that came out in bed as dominance, but now it was his turn. He felt almost giddy at the feeling and the slow trusting Ryan had begun didn’t do anything to temper his arousal. Suddenly he stopped fumbling with the buttons, gave Ryan a long look and ripped the shirt open, the buttons skirting over the floor. Ryan looked surprised, but intrigued at the same time. Colin’s hands started tracing over Ryan’s chest as soon as it was exposed. He decided to take his time and let his tongue tease around a nipple, until he closed his lips around it and gently bit it. “Colin!” The gasp Ryan had given him was totally worth it. He had always secretly enjoyed cracking Ryan up, breaking the tall man’s composure, and now he had found a whole new way to do so. Remembering what his licking of Ryan’s ear had done to the man before, in the kitchen, he moved up again and let his tongue trace the line of his ear, keeping it light, flickering… Suddenly Ryan’s grip on his hips became strong, and the man breathed in Colin’s ear, his tone dangerously low: “Colin… you’re teasing me.” Before he knew what was happening, those long legs wrapped around him, and spun him around on the bed. Ryan straddled him, and when their erections met, Colin couldn’t help but moan. Ryan let his fingers trace over the man’s nipples, delighted when it caused him to gasp for breath, and moved his weight back, only to replace his touch on Colin’s pants with his hands. Hands that were rapidly undoing the zipper. A second later Ryan put his hands under the waistband and pulled, leaving Colin totally naked on the large white bed, the candle light shimmering over him. As Ryan hurried to get his own pants off, that sight left him nearly undone. He had dreamt about Colin, fantasised about him for so many years. And now he was lying there, naked and aroused. Ryan felt his body tremble as he came closer again, his legs kind of weak. He was going to make this count. Slowly he lowered himself on Colin, head near his legs, and without warning started tracing his tongue over the man’s thighs, finally taking Colin in his mouth, sucking gently. Colin’s response was a perfect high-pitched “oh”, which would have made him laugh any other time, but not now. He knew Colin was close already, and he let his hand move over the man’s thigh and stomach, revelling in it’s softness. Knowing Colin was near, shifting on the bed and moaning, he let his hand cup his balls gently, sucking as hard as he could when he came. When Ryan finished, Colin was one intangible mess draped on the white sheets, his body seemingly glowing in a combination of the light and happiness. Ryan moved up next to him, taking in the view as he went. His own body was eagerly pulsating for relief, and he wrapped his legs around Colin. Colin, still kind of dazed, gladly took the hint and took Ryan in his hand. He wanted to move down, but Ryan stopped him, muttering something of “wanting to feel you…” and in a few delicious strokes from Colin he could feel the familiar white heat settle behind his eyes and move through his body. The final stroke was his undoing and the white light rushed trough his body as he came. When he came down from their love-making he dimly felt Colin hold him a little tighter, wrapping his arms around him in a cocoon of warmth. Though neither of them wanted to, the day had been a whirlwind of emotions and slowly they could feel themselves drift to sleep. One of the candles still flickered a little bit, while the other went out, causing a little string of smoke to rise to the ceiling. The other candle dimmed a few moments later and when it went out as well their wax ran together, so they could no longer see where the one candle had started and the other had begun. *** Thinking how many times in your life you have woken up, can you remember one perfectly? Precisely everything that had happened, from one second to the next? Every sensation, movement, smell and sound? Colin could... Waking up this particular morning in the little cabin, out in the woods next to a misty lake. with a rain that had fallen and made the entire world shine anew, this moment was one moment in time he would remember for the rest of his life… but Colin didn’t know this yet. Neither did Colin know that Greg was already awake, and had started brewing coffee. Or that Drew was turning in his bed, still somewhere between sleep and waking. Or that Wayne, a couple rooms over, was brushing his teeth right now, spitting the water in the sink, and started humming a jazz song while stepping into a pair of black pants. None of this mattered to Colin yet, as he slowly felt himself float up and out of the deep mist of sleep. The first sensation he had was one of warmth, general relaxation, but also a creepy crawly pleasant kind of feeling that started around his stomach and crawled all the way up his spine, vaguely tugging at the edges of awareness, reminding him that something had happened. Something extraordinary, something exciting. The next thing he felt was the crisp, clean, cotton feel of the sheet draped over his naked body, allowing a slight breeze to touch him. But he wasn’t cold, quite the opposite. He felt warm and radiant… cradled. He moved his foot a little and when the sole brushed against another foot he wasn’t completely surprised. The creepy crawly feeling expanded to thrill his entire body when he realised that he was being held. A large frame was touching every inch of his naked back; arms were wrapped around him; and most of all he could feel the body next to him breathing evenly, in and out, the warm breath moving over his neck. In the very next moment he knew this was Ryan, and the knowledge washed over him like a wave of warm water. More conscious of his movement now, he turned his head on his pillow so that he could feel that warm breath pass over his face and see Ryan out of the corner of his eye. There were pearly drops of rain still on the window, and the whole outside world was wet and radiant with life, and yet the sun seemed to make a special effort today as it crossed through the room to shine it’s spotted light brightly on Ryan’s face. Colin almost wanted to sigh at the physical feeling of having Ryan so close; so close he could see the small lines in his face and feel his hot soft body there and then he instantly decided he was not leaving this bed for at least another hour. ‘Not even if Drew comes in, dressed in nothing but a leopard skin and starts jumping on our bed, singing an African chant,’ he thought; which made him cock an eyebrow at amazement his own thoughts. ‘There really was something about improv that messed with your mind after a while,’ he concluded. And then he let his mind wander on the subject Ryan again. Ryan, with the golden blond hair, where, lying so close, Colin could see a few grey ones now. Somehow, though, that made the man even more endearing. He tried to imagine Ryan old, with grey hair, a shuffling gait and that one old voice he always uses. He then wondered if they would be waking up next to each other then too, with pain in their joints and a sore back but still with the same love in their eyes. Although he had never really thought of those images before, they seemed less unrealistic today, as if it really could be them forever. Together to the end. …And then his mind turned a more wicked way, involving him doing to Ryan what Ryan had done to him last night… and the memory made him blush slightly. He bit his lip trying not to laugh, or feel ashamed or, maybe, something in between. He hadn’t realised Ryan was even awake until the man’s deep voice startled him to no end. “And what are you thinking about?” Ryan had a radiant, ‘just waken up’ look on his face with a gentle smile of love. He could see how surprised Colin was and it made him even enjoy it more. “You were thinking wicked thoughts, Colin.” His voice was playful and teasing, only a little trace of sleep left. Colin felt even more of a blush creep over his cheeks. Really, he was too old for blushing. He probably was too old for some of the things he had just been imagining either, but that hadn’t stopped him. “Eh,” and out of lack of a good reply he did what he did on stage too, he placed his hands around Ryan’s face and kissed him. Their morning kiss was very lazy, neither of their bodies seemed to have totally woken up yet, but none the less it was sweet and somewhere along the way Ryan came to lie over Colin, their bare bodies touching. Colin could feel he was trembling a little bit when they broke apart. Also his bladder was uncomfortably starting to protest his idea of staying in bed so long, especially when being crushed by another, quite heavy body. “Eh Ryan?” “Yes?” “I have to pee.” Ryan looked like he was going to laugh. “You’re serious?” “Yes…” Ryan took on a pensive expression, but something in his eyes reminded Colin of the look he got on stage sometimes, the one that said ‘let’s play’. He could feel a smile spread over his face already. Then Ryan spoke, seemingly serious: “So that means that if I keep you down you will start begging and squirming under me?” Colin had to think on that one. “Well, yes, but also that…” and he moved his hands to Ryan’s sides “I will tickle you if you don’t let me go!” and in an instant his hands were all over Ryan and he got the tall man jumping up from the bed, pulling the covers with him and rolling to the other side, gasping for breath. “Oh-that’s just not fair!” Ryan yelled as Colin ran for the bathroom door. “All is fair in love and war!” sounded from behind the door. When Colin re-appeared Ryan was half-sitting on the bed again, a pillow loosely in his hand. “And which exactly is this?” “Huh?” Colin’s mind replayed the last thing he had said. “Looove…” Ryan smiled wickedly and moved closer to Colin, “Or war!” He pulled out the pillow and started a full-blown pillow fight and tickle attack on Colin, who let himself rather willingly be pulled on the bed and pinned under a happy and very naked Ryan. Still gasping for breath from laughing, and trying to wrestle his way to being on top, but enjoying the fight rather too much, Colin had never looked so delicious to Ryan. He pinned the man’s arms above his head, and pulled him in for a deep, breathtaking kiss. *** A few minutes later Colin slipped out of the room, closing the wooden door in a soft thud behind him. He had a bright smile on his face that somehow refused to go away. His reminiscing on why exactly he was smiling caused him to almost completely miss Greg, who was standing in the hallway with a rather smug expression on his face. “Well good morning Colin!” It took Colin’s best improvising skills not to laugh at the man’s gleeful expression. Instead he kept a straight face, and said with a smile, “Well, good morning to you too Greg!” The man seemed slightly taken aback and Colin took advantage of that to pass him by quickly. He headed towards his room, wondering what exactly Greg had heard, why had had been standing there in the first place, and whether his room’s door was open, revealing an unslept on bed. He had left Ryan rather hurriedly, and he felt the absence sorely tugging at him, but he knew they had to, as they didn’t want their friends to find out just yet… and yet with Greg around, he sincerely doubted they could keep this a secret for long. When Colin absent-mindedly walked into the bathroom he caught a look of his own face in the mirror. The familiar brown eyes looked back at him, but they seemed to have a certain radiance in them today. His lips looked like they had been kissed. He smiled slightly at his reflection in the mirror, and wondered if they really would notice something... Without thinking about it, he chose his pair of worn out jeans today. He knew Ryan liked them. He had just done shaving when there was a knock on the wooden door. He opened it, not surprised to see it was Ryan, but very pleasantly surprised when it was a freshly showered Ryan that was carefully closing the door and pulled him in a soft kiss, tasting of mint toothpaste. Colin felt slightly giddy. “Hi Ryan, nice of you to come over.” “Yeah, well, you left your pants.” Ryan answered with apparent humour, showing the grey sweat pants in his hands that Colin had worn when they had met on the rock. Colin couldn’t believe that was just a day ago. It seemed like another lifetime almost. He took the pants, vaguely wondering at the feeling of something square in one of the pockets when Ryan’s lips met his again and his mind stopped registering anything but that. When they broke apart, Ryan spoke, “Plus, Wayne and Greg are making pancakes, and they wanted me to get you.” Colin moulded his face in mock-amazement “You mean they can cook?” Ryan laughed “Well, they didn’t say it was edible.” *** They arrived to the rather comical sight of a deadly-serious looking Greg behind the furnace, trying to flip the pancakes in the pan with an expert kind of twist of the hand. Both Wayne and Drew were sitting at the table already, Wayne squirting liberal amounts of syrup over his pile of pancakes, and Drew, still in his pyjama’s, poured black coffee into a “I heart NY” cup he had found somewhere. When they took their seats, side by side this time, a bright smiling Wayne got up and piled two pancakes on each their plates, saying, “They’re good!” Drew handed the coffee to Ryan who poured for both him and Colin. They ate in companionable silence for a while, with Wayne and Greg bantering back and forth from the furnace to the table. Ryan was somehow relieved those two had gotten over their argument; he really didn’t like the idea of having to intervene in their private lives. He had been wondering how Wayne and Greg had ended up in bed together in the first place. He mentally added it to his things to laugh and wonder about later. Right now, however, the image of Colin eating pancakes was more alluring. He felt himself smiling broadly to the man next to him. He had noticed that there was actual sunshine outside and he felt a thrill of excitement at the coming day. This one would be great no matter what. *** After breakfast, Drew disappeared to get dressed, and they all volunteered to take care of the amazing pile of dishes in the corner, to which Greg referred to as the “fortress of dirt”. While Colin and Ryan peeked out the window together and commented on the sun, Greg sighed audibly and started to pile the dishes in the sink. Wayne, however, looked inside one of the low wooden closets for a moment and came back with a museum piece of a record player and a large dusty box full or records piled in his arms, excitedly telling them all about how he had found it last night. Colin, always a fan of old records, went to inspect the box, while Ryan went to search the cupboards for a towel, creatively cursing when he bumped his head against a certain bad-placed wooden shelf. It didn’t really temper his mood though, he had enjoyed waking up with Colin more than he ever thought he would. The thing was that it wasn’t just the love, or the passion, it was all the laughing beneath that made it so special. While Greg ran the water, Wayne put an undefined record on and a seventies soul sound filled the room. Right away he got up and started singing along with it like he was the singer’s long lost brother, only to get ripped out of his concentration when Greg threw a towel to his face and yelled “Dry, Elvis!” Colin reminisced from behind the record player that performing wasn’t really a job for Wayne as it was a way of life, when the man started drying plates while swinging his hips, putting them in the cupboard with a different little disco move for each plate. Wayne’s enthusiasm was infectious though, and soon he could feel himself moving to the music, even Ryan who was scrubbing the plates, his hands in the warm soapy water, started humming along. The pile of dishes disappeared quickly and half an hour later all of them, including a dressed Drew, were packed and walking through the door onto the still damp grass. Almost as if to mock the memory of last night’s storm, the sun was shining brightly and there was a slight breeze; even the lake seemed calm, with occasional soft wave rippling it’s surface. Something seemed out of place though, and when Ryan looked around he realised that several of the trees close to the cabin had lost some of their large branches and were lying on the grass. He swallowed, and felt guilt settle in his stomach. ‘If those would have fallen right when Colin and I were running here...’ Ryan blindly reached for Colin’s hand, who gave it to him and silently hugged him sideways. They whispered something, but Drew was standing too far away to catch the words. Greg seemed to have an idea though, as he looked at the two intensely. Drew looked back from Greg to the two men so close together in the middle of the grass. He felt curiosity stir through his body. Something was going on here… and Greg seemed to know what it was. Wayne had wandered near the forest and yelled back at them “Come on!” Ryan pulled Colin close for one more moment as they headed towards the trees, letting his hand lean on the man’s lower back. Drew felt himself walk slowly behind them on purpose, allowing Greg to catch up with him. “So Greg… care to fill me in on what’s going on between Ryan and Colin?” Greg smirked and this time fully succeeded in keeping his tone sarcastic. “Oh, just the usual, them going at it like rabbits while their wives are away.” Drew felt annoyed. There was never any use in trying to get a straight answer from Greg. “Come on, I’m serious!” Greg corked an eyebrow. “So am I,” and then he sped up, jogged until he met up with Wayne; knowing that Drew was looking dazed and confused somewhere behind him and finding a certain pride in it. Now, he would admit that he himself had been greatly intrigued by that kiss he had seen Ryan and Colin share, but as Ryan had asked, he hadn’t told anyone or mentioned it again. It was just… he could hardly explain it. There was this small curious feeling that told him this was right; that whatever those two were up to, it would be his privilege to even witness it… and when he had seen Colin leave Ryan’s room in the morning, well… there were only so many things they could have been doing together. Suddenly Ryan came walking next to him. “So you and Wayne?” Ryan didn’t even bother to ask the entire question. Greg smiled. ‘Count on Ryan to have it all said in as few words as possible’, he thought. And Wayne… “Yeah, we got plastered again last night and somewhere along the road realised it was more fun to be friends.” Ryan just nodded. A silence fell over them both, but neither perceived it to be awkward. Ryan knew very well Greg that wanted to ask about Colin, but he didn’t offer any information, so they walked on until Drew took the lead again. Seeing Ryan walk over to Greg, Colin walked alone, but he didn’t mind. His mind wandered, processing the trees and the flowers; the lovely sunlight and how it would look if he were to push Ryan to the forest floor, here and now, and rip of his shirt and… When his mind supplied the word for this state as “being in love” he simply let it wash over him, and smiled brightly. When Wayne started to talk to him he paid it very little attention, his eyes drawn to Ryan, and how the tall man was moving before him. However, his attention was soon diverted when he heard Wayne’s question. “Colin? What were you guys doing this morning?” Wayne sounded amused, intrigued, and almost slightly afraid of what he might answer. “Huh?” Colin felt his heart stop and tried to send a telepathic message to Ryan, for him to turn around and help him out, but it didn’t work and as the seconds slipped by Colin realised he was supposed to answer here. He decided to buy some time. “Why do you ask?” “Because I could hear your laughing coming from Ryan’s room.” Wayne sounded outright curious now and looked at Colin with an increasingly terrified expression. Colin realised the truth was in his advantage here. “Oh, eh, well, we were having a pillow fight…” “You did?” Wayne’s voice squeaked up a notch. “You’re kidding.” Colin looked at his feet, feeling a blush creep over his cheeks “Eh, no actually… we really…” However, before he could continue Wayne was bending over almost double to suppress his giggles. “Oh Colin, your face… you and Ryan… a pillow fight?” was al that came out of him for the next whole minute. Greg and Ryan, surprised by the laughter, turned around. Colin sent a hopeless look to Ryan. Wayne was still catching his breath, looking in between Colin and Ryan and uttering “Pillow fight!” which sent him into a fit of giggles again. Greg’s voice was low, and was meant only for Ryan’s ears “So, that’s what they call it these days huh?” Ryan felt a cold tingle run over his spine and thought of a rather chilling reply, but when he looked into Greg’s eyes he could only find a genuine smile there. He glanced back at Colin, who had realised something passed between the other two, but not what. He gave him a reassuring smile and then looked back at Drew, who had been advanced so far they could hardly make him out any more. “Hey Drew, wait up man!” *** By the time the sun sat high in the sky they had made it to a little meadow, where they stopped for lunch. It was located higher up than the lake, and it provided an exquisite view of the many trees and the rolling hills in the distance. Greg had even been considerate enough to bring a large blanket in his backpack which they spread on the grass before sitting. Opening his backpack even more, it revealed several Tupperware boxes with the leftovers from the day before in them. Drew found it all rather amusing and noted, waving his hands in a feminine way. “Djeesh Greg, sure you’re not related to Martha Stewart?” Greg took the comment with his usual flare and answered “Djeesh Drew, sure you’re not related to the stick that’s up your ass?” Both Ryan and Wayne grinned at that one. Drew smiled too, not even feeling reproachful. Colin had been getting the cans of lukewarm beer out and then passed them around. They had their meal chattering nonsensically about the show, possible games they could make up or ways they could trick Dan into playing some time. Afterwards Colin found himself lying down on the blanket, Ryan on one side, Wayne on the other. He looked up at the bright white clouds forming various shapes overhead and the light was so bright it almost hurt his eyes. He could see Ryan in the corner of his eye, his vision screwed up by the sun into little black dots but that didn’t matter, he could see Ryan, and he looked so relaxed and happy. He was sprawled out on the sheet with his legs bended and his arms under his head. Colin knew that probably wasn’t too great for his back but he didn’t have the heart to comment on it. Ryan saw Colin looking at him and smiled back lazily. The sun was shining brightly and Colin could feel himself close his eyes, relishing in its warmth on his face. When he put his hand down on his left side, he found it almost touched Ryan’s. Almost. He scooted this fingers a little bit to the side, and he could feel Ryan do the same. Their fingers just barely brushed, but it made such a difference. With his eyes still closed, Colin felt anchored somehow. He relaxed and let his mind wander. Looking back on the past days, it almost seemed like a dream; a very pleasant, long and warm dream that had made an amazing and incredible difference. And after a while the heat of the sun grew stronger on his face and he wished he’d taken some sun block along. He slowly got up. Wayne had taken off his shirt and was lying on his stomach next to Colin, chewing on a piece of grass thoughtfully. Drew was nursing another beer near his lips. Wayne saw Colin moving, and opted “You know we could go swimming now.” “What? In the lake?” Greg sounded sceptical from somewhere next to Drew. “Yeah sure.” Wayne seemed convinced. “Wasn’t it like freezing when we pushed you in? And with last night’s rain…” Greg made an annoyed hand movement. He didn’t even know why he was fighting this. He sighed. “Sure, sounds fun, why not.” Wayne gave him a bright smile, and Greg found himself resenting the man for a second. Why did Wayne always have to be so good-humored? He realised that, even when they were among friends, they still played parts, responded how they thought others would want them to. They always expected him to be the derisive one, cynical. In the end he found himself wondering whether that was really who he was; or who he had become. “I’ll go with.” Drew smiled, drowning his beer in one last gulp. “Ok then!” Wayne jumped up. “Ryan, you’re coming too, right?” Ryan groaned and turned around on the sheet. “I don’t swim.” Drew and Wayne spoke at the same time “Oh c’mon!” Ryan made a sour face but caved in anyway and folded his long legs under him to rise stiffly. “Oh I guess…” He extended his hand to Colin who pulled him up fluently. Actually, swimming did sound like fun. *** Their walk back down to the lake was pleasant, with a soft breeze ruffling the leaves on the trees. It was hard to believe that only yesterday it had been storming so hard that they had had to run for cover. As soon as they got from beneath the shadowy canopy of the trees the sun shone down hard on their heads again. Colin found himself wiping his sweat away and whishing he hadn’t worn these long jeans, but on the other hand, Ryan had been eyeing him with a rather appreciative expression all day, which made the uncomfortable hotness more than worth it. When they got back to the lake, it was glimmering in the sunlight, little waves dancing to the shore. Wayne stripped right away, throwing his clothes wherever they would land and ran in, screaming and splashing. Drew had followed as if he were a man with a mission, and as soon as he had caught up with Wayne he dove under the waterline and pulled at the man’s legs. Wayne’s screech radiated over the water, causing the three men still at the shore to laugh. “You think we should steal their clothes?” Ryan laughed. Colin looked at him in mock-horror. “No! Then they’d run around naked!” Greg had spread the blanket on the ground again, and sat down on it listlessly. Colin wanted to ask what was wrong, but something in Greg’s eyes told him to just leave him be. “So aren’t you guys gonna swim?” Greg asked. Ryan shrugged and took a seat next to Greg, flopping his long legs before him. “Never liked it.” Colin hesitated. He knew Ryan really wasn’t fond of swimming, but then he eyed the water and made a silent bet with himself that he could make Ryan come in too. He faced the water and kicked off his shoes, then slowly pulled his t-shirt over his head, and it was only when he reached the zipper of his jeans that he looked back at Ryan, who was staring at him with an unaltered shine of adoration in his eyes. Ryan truly was enjoying the sight. When Colin put his hand on that zipper, and slowly pulled down, he could feel his entire body tense. ‘Oh and I bet he wore those jeans on purpose too…’ When Colin shed his jeans, he threw them on the blanket, almost daring Ryan to pick them up. He then he turned around and walked over to the waterline. He couldn’t help but feel Ryan’s eyes on his back and he blushed a bit. Wicked thoughts… Colin stepped into the lake, the water rippling around his feet. It wasn’t very cold, but the deeper his legs walked the colder the water seemed to get. As soon as he was up to his stomach he was gasping. Deciding that the short pain was the best, he plunged in, and started swimming in a steady stroke. His original plan had been to swim up to where Drew and Wayne still were water-fighting, but he felt himself just drift near the shoreline, sure that no matter how hard he had been complaining before, Ryan would follow. He knew he had been right when he could see Ryan walking into the water cautiously. He wore dark green boxer shorts, Colin noted. They looked good on his body. Strange how incredibly lean and tall he looked in the sunlight like that. Ryan kept on walking deeper, keeping actual swimming for the back-up plan only to be used in dire desperation, or when the ground fell from under his feet. Colin swam up to him, smiled and then tried to grab his hand under water, but Ryan was faster as he wrapped his arms around Colin in an improvised water-hug and whispered, his voice low and throaty, “You can’t just take your pants off like that and leave, you know.” Colin smiled. “I know.” By then Wayne and Drew had spotted them and they swam over, Drew in a surprisingly fast breaststroke. “Hey- look who joined us, Ryan the I-won’t-swim-in-your-pool-even-if-it-cost-half-a-million-bucks guy.” Drew teased. Wayne looked over to the shore. “Greg isn’t coming?” Ryan just glared back at Drew and answered Wayne. “Nah, he said he’d rather kick some rocks, hit some trees, that kind of thing.” There was something in Ryan’s tone that told Colin, banter or not, that it was close to the truth. “Well, I’ll race ya to that rock!” Drew offered. Ryan and Colin looked over to what rock he meant and their eyes met for a split second. From where they were, the cabin and the rocks in front of it near the shoreline were clearly visible. “Deal!” Wayne replied and started swimming, so fast that Drew was a couple lengths behind to begin with, but they all knew he wouldn’t let Drew lose by much. As soon as they were out of splashing-distance, Colin let his hands touch Ryan again, which was a surprisingly erotic sensation, them both being nearly naked and under water. While his hands roamed over Ryan’s chest he asked, “So you talked to Greg?” “Yeah!” Ryan sighed, just as Colin traced his finger over one of his stiff nipples. “And what did he say?” He asked before he put a lingering kiss in Ryan’s neck. “Huh.” Ryan answered, biting his lip, willing himself not to be too aroused. They were in the middle of a lake for god sakes. A cold lake. With water. Fish. Algae. God knows what else. His brain kept on trying to take over, but on the other hand it felt so.. good. “Maybe… we should splash or something.” “Splash?” Colin felt his brain slowly melt away as he went to kiss Ryan’s nipple, just above the water line. “Yeah.” Ryan felt himself getting more and more aroused, no matter how cold the water was. Colin’s hands were moving in an interesting way and he didn’t really want him to stop. He tried to focus on what he was trying to say, the reasons why slowly evaporating in his mind. “You know… so it looks like we’re fighting” Colin sighed. “Hmm…” Ryan was so beautiful like this, the bright sunlight shining on his shoulders, his hair wet and little drops of water tracing over his chest… He knew they shouldn’t be doing this. He absolutely knew, but then he whispered into Ryan’s ear, “Ok, you splash” and with that he pulled down Ryan’s boxers and wrapped his hand around his erection. Ryan grunted at the touch. And he actually did splash a little. Then the sound of Wayne calling them rolling over the lake’s bight surface reached his ears. “You okay?” It sounded faded but they could make out the words anyway. “Everything’s fine!” Colin yelled back. Wayne seemed satisfied with the answer and disappeared out of sight, but Drew started swimming back their way. Ryan was glad Colin answered because for once he was sure his had voice left him. They looked at each other with a mix of disappointment and humor. Apparently making out in a lake hadn’t been the best idea. Colin put Ryan’s boxers back in their original state, but kept his hand in the area anyway. Drew swam up to them slowly. When he reached hem he was still out of breath, but with a gleam in his eye. Apparently, he had beat Wayne, but his voice was still held a trace of worry when he asked, “Ryan, man are you okay? I know you don’t like to swim and when I saw you clutching Colin like that…” “Oh Eh” Ryan scraped his throat, and purposely moulded his voice to sound not-so-convincing when he answered, “Yeah, I’m fine.” But it hadn’t escaped Drew’s attention that he was still holding on to Colin’s arm, and he opened his mouth to say something, only to be interrupted by Colin who quickly suggested to go back to the shore. They did, and by the time they got there Ryan was very glad of the cold water, as it had helped considerably to calm down certain regions of his body. Greg was nowhere to be seen. They put their clothes back on, taking the blanket along and giving it to Wayne who was sitting on the grass in front of the cabin. As they walked inside and into the corridor, Drew kept up a conversation, walking past Ryan’s door, still talking to Colin on the way to his room, apparently oblivious to the other two’s silent conversation going on. Ryan looked at Colin, making the universal hand gesture that meant “come here”, turning his eyes in annoyance to Drew, but the rest of his appearance speaking of mischievousness, even a seductive glint in his eyes. Colin looked back at Drew, realised they were past Ryan’s room, leaving Ryan near the door of it, and mouthed “window” before courteously answering Drew and disappearing around the corner. Ryan was left standing near his door, baffled. Was he sure Colin had meant “window”? And then he remembered the banter they had shared about climbing through the window before. Quickly he stepped inside and closed his door. In a few steps he walked over to the large window next to his bed, pulled the shades away and tried to open it. He had to push it quite hard but then all of a sudden it gave in and shoved to the side. Ryan then stood there, watching it. He honestly had never suspected Colin to have such an… adventurous look on these things, but then again, he remembered the time they had gone swimming in a fountain in Vegas and almost had gotten arrested for it. Or that time they were at some comedy show in England and Colin had been asked to wear a kilt. Right before going on stage he had told him that he wasn’t wearing anything under it, causing Ryan to crack up every time they made eye contact for the rest of the evening. O God, how long was that ago? Ten years? Oh he had loved Colin so deeply, even back then. Feeling whole every time they were together, and emptied, cracked somehow when he had to return home again. Suddenly he felt a spurt of sympathy for Pat. She had looked relieved when he had told her it was over. Had she known? He honestly didn’t know. It was scary how many years they had spent together, and how much of a stranger she was to him in the end. Then he thought of what he had told Colin, just a couple days before, about how he had been running, all his life. How he was just another guy in his forties, looking at his own empty face in the mirror every morning and asking himself, ‘Was this it?’. He had said that he had never loved, not for real, but that wasn’t true. He had loved, for years and years, only had had never been able to show it, and now when he could, he felt like a child again, like he lived all over again, like it had all been worthwhile somehow… He was ripped out of his reverie when there was a quick knock on the window, causing him to jump. *** Colin was nervous. He had come up with the whole window plan in the spur of the moment, not even sure if Ryan’s opened far enough. He wasn’t entirely sure what Ryan was thinking about all of this either. The touching in the lake certainly had been… adventurous. He just couldn’t help himself. He had longed for Ryan for so many years, and now he finally could touch him he wanted to make the most out of it. He just hoped Ryan didn’t think he was too crazy. Still, in all those years of being on stage together, he knew Ryan had a tendency to follow in his crazy plans. He closed his door, took a change of clothes, and pushed the window open. It was rather small, but low enough to the ground so he could get out without harming any delicate parts. With a grunt he landed on the grass. Suddenly he remembered why this was a teenager’s type of thing, one needed a certain bend ability for this. When he realised he had to pass Wayne’s window, he sneaked by, feeling slightly silly. He briefly wondered whether his midlife crisis had finally kicked in, but then he reached Ryan’s window, saw that it was already opened, and quickly knocked two times. When Ryan’s face appeared Colin had only a moments time to smile, and mumble “Hi”, before he was pulled into a desperate kiss, Ryan’s arms wrapping around him and holding him through the window, his mouth hard and emotional on his. His tongue was demanding entrance and Colin let him, taking in all of Ryan’s force and even holding on a little longer before they broke apart. “Ryan…” he felt his voice falter him at the emotion he saw in the other man’s yes. He wanted to ask a million questions, but at the same time realised he didn’t have to, he felt the same thing. They looked at each other for a long moment. Then Ryan smiled. “Come in?” *** As soon as he saw the lean, pale form that was Ryan walk over to the glimmering water, Greg had gotten up from the blanket. He didn’t know where he was going, but he knew that he had to get away. Throughout the entire trip, he had felt as if his nerves had been stretched further and further; and now he had to be alone and figure out what was causing all this, or he would snap. Oh he had seen the looks of adoration Ryan and Colin had been sharing all day; he had seen it build for months and years already, and he had understood. He had been the one who put his hand on Ryan’s shoulder when he had been hurting because Colin wasn’t there. He had been the one who saw Colin play with his son and had recognised the sorrow mirroring in his eyes at the same time. He had understood because this was a sorrow that ran deep in him too, even though he doubted anyone knew. He had spent years of his life building a defence. He hid behind words as other hid behind fists and he knew he had created a great guard. Huge fortified walls surrounded his feelings, and made him the cynical one, the one nobody could figure out. Now, with seeing Ryan and Colin kiss; being in love, he assumed; those feelings had hit him razor-sharp, so hard he was taking ragged breaths, kicking away the little stones that edged the waterline. ‘You’re not gay.’ He said it over and over in his mind, like a mantra. He didn’t know where he had picked up on the word all of a sudden, he wasn’t even sure he had ever pronounced it in relation to himself really, but now it felt as if he was being repeatedly called so by unmovable forces, the sun shining down on him as to mock his dark mood. ‘You’re not gay, you like women!’ He kicked at a rock near the waterline, so hard he bruised his toes, but he didn’t feel it. ‘Fuck!’ His fist hit the brown bark of a pine tree, hard enough to make the young tree shake, and violently tearing open his knuckles. The brown bark of the tree got marred with a few maroon stains. ‘If you’re not gay, then why....’ He sagged down against the tree, unconsciously cradling his bleeding hand with the other. ‘Do you feel like this?’ Oh, he’d always liked Wayne. Found him attractive, sure. The man was so open, so loyal, so friendly; so unlike Greg himself; and when they had played that little game with the die… he had just wanted to figure out how far he could go. He hadn’t been prepared for what he would feel though. He closed his eyes at the memory. He had put his hand on Wayne’s arm; so warm and vibrant with life that arm had felt. Wayne had turned his head, and had eyed Greg questioningly. Greg had then lifted his hand and had shown the die hidden under it. He had whispered heavily, “Care to play on?” And Wayne had looked both shocked, and intrigued. Then he had answered a “Yeah…” that had made the hairs in the back of Greg’s neck rise. And Greg had never been prepared for the rush of excitement that Wayne’s answer had shot through his body and it had left his hands shaking. He also had not been prepared for the warmth that had settled in his chest every time he had looked at Wayne. Neither had he been prepared for the bolt of lightning that had shot trough him when they were at Wayne’s door; where instead of opening it Wayne had turned and had pressed hot lips against his; his tongue darting over Greg’s, making Greg jump and wrap his arms around Wayne; leaving the die to fall on the floor unnoticed. He remembered tasting the hard liquor in that kiss, almost inhaled it, and along with that the taste of Wayne, all that made him so good and vibrant, and he had wanted to hold on to it; to never let go. Wayne had then broken their kiss, had opened the door and had staggered into the room, swaying heavily. He then had stumbled onto the bed, commented on how the room was spinning and how nice Greg was, and had promptly fallen asleep. Greg hadn’t explained to himself how he had felt when he had taken a hold of Wayne’s shoes, and had put a blanket over the sleeping form; or why he had kicked off his own shoes, and had moved to lie on the bed next to Wayne, holding him tightly. In that one night, he had thought of a lot of things. Eventually, he had fallen asleep, only to be woken up by a scream of terror by Wayne. He hadn’t been entirely sure what Wayne had remembered, as he kept on repeating ‘nothing happened right?’ ‘Nothing happened,’ but he didn’t know what Wayne was so terrified of either. …And so he had felt the tentative band of friendship that already existed between the two of them dissolve, only to be somewhat repaired again by their mutual fear of that storm, and the easy conversation that flowed forth from it. He knew what was crushing him, and he knew there was nothing to do but be there, be a friend to Wayne, and then he thought of those age-old walls blocking his feelings and decided to let them go, slowly. He managed to smile a bit and curse characteristically when he noted the thrumming pain in his right hand and the blood that went along with it, welling up from the knuckles and slowly painting bright red lines over his pale skin. He got up again, inexplicably feeling better than he had before. *** On the farther side of the lake, on the backside of the cabin that all of them shared, the sun was shining brightly too, and there it fell on two men sharing a passionate kiss over the edge of a window. When they broke apart both smiled warmly, and the one suggested the other came in. It took a considerable effort for Colin to bend his leg in a way where his entire body could fit next to it, so that he could crawl over the window post; still holding the clothes he brought; but once inside and in Ryan’s embrace he decided it had all been totally worthwhile. He kissed Ryan again, softly this time, just joining his lips with Ryan’s in a soft stroke and whispered “Hi”. But Ryan wrapped his hands behind Colin’s neck and pulled him in deeper, softly moaning when their tongues met. He could feel the heat from the lake slowly return, and when his hand cupped Colin’s behind he realised they were both still wearing wet clothes. Thinking he had let Colin take the lead far too often now, Ryan took a step forward and pressed him against the wall, which caused Colin to whimper appreciatively in their kiss. Ryan pulled back to look into Colin’s eyes, using his entire body to keep him exactly where he wanted as his hands undid the button of Colin’s pants, and traced lightly over the edge of exposed skin. Colin gasped and bit his lip, willing himself not to be too aroused, but the whole lake adventure had tested his nerves enough as it was and he felt himself grow hard in an instant when Ryan’s hand traced over him like that. He leaned in for another kiss, his hands hovering near Ryan’s shirt to pull it off, but Ryan stilled him, and used his arms to pin him against the wall. Ryan had a mind to ravish Colin right there and then, but he remembered the erotic feel of water against his skin and whispered in Colin’s ear “I think we should take a shower”. Colin simply nodded and followed Ryan into the bathroom, who immediately walked over to the shower and turned on the water lightly. He did not touch the light switch, which left a shimmering light coming from the still opened bedroom window. Remembering how much fun it had been at the lakeshore, Colin pushed Ryan back when he tried to open his pants further, and just faced him, eyes intent. Slowly he pulled his own shirt over his head, and tossed it to the side, where it landed in a small blue heap on the white tiled bathroom floor. He waited for Ryan to do the same, but sighed none the less when he saw Ryan’s lean chest appear from under his shirt. Slowly he brought his hand down to the zipper of his jeans, and pulled it, only to have his hand stilled by Ryan. There was a gleam in Ryan’s eyes and a slight shiver in his voice when he spoke “I wanted to do that.” Colin, affected by the depth of Ryan’s tone pulled away his hand and let him do so. Ryan let his hands roam and took surprisingly much care in opening Colin’s pants, one tooth of the zipper at a time, easing the jeans to Colin’s knees, and letting him step out of it, before he even touched Colin’s boxers. Their heavy fabric was still damp from the water of the lake, and Ryan let his fingers travel under them first, feeling the soft and damp skin of Colin’s thigh before lowering the dark fabric as well. Then he sat down on his knees, kept on tracing light circles with the tips of his fingers over Colin’s thigh and slowly moved towards Colin’s groin, deliberately raising the tension. Colin gasped as his naked back met with the cold tiles of the bathroom wall, causing him to break out in goose bumps all over, and when just a moment later Ryan replaced his hand with the hot touch of his lips, and the swirling motion of his tongue, he bit down on his lip and breathed out heavily. Ryan placed butterfly kisses all over the still damp skin of Colin thighs and lower stomach, until he took pity on Colin’s cries and took his erection in his mouth. Colin gasped at the exquisite feeling, and when he looked at Ryan, the mere sight made made him come to the edge. Struggling for control, he touched Ryan’s shoulder and motioned him back to his feet. It was only then that Colin realised the water in the shower was running and a vague mist had started to circle the bathroom. He quickly zipped open Ryan’s pants and pulled away the dark green boxers, strangely touched as he saw how aroused Ryan was as well. Holding Ryan’s hand, Colin stepped into the shower, the hot water tracing over his cold back making him shiver involuntarily, but before he knew it he was in Ryan’s embrace again, the water running over and between them. They stayed that way for a moment, and then Ryan pulled him in an open-mouthed kiss, which tasted of water, and vaguely of himself. Colin was aware of the water falling on his shoulders and travelling over his entire body as he looked at Ryan so close beside him, the drops of water raining all over his body as well, and he got the insane urge to follow one of those drops with his tongue, all over Ryan’s body. Slowly he caught one drop between his lips, near Ryan’s collarbone, and followed it down with chaste kisses until he reached a dark nipple, which he took in his mouth and sucked gently. Ryan made a soft cry, and threw his head back, giving Colin great access to put open-mouthed kisses on his neck and chest. Ryan’s hands had made their way over to Colin’s back and were travelling in strange patters over Colin’s body, exploring, mapping out every curve and bend. Holding on to Ryan’s legs, Colin sat down on his knees, and he suddenly realised he had never done this before. Ryan looked at him with open eyes, showing a complete mix of adoration, love and desire. Colin knew that whatever he would do, Ryan would probably enjoy it, but he didn’t want to go for just liking, he wanted to make Ryan gasp, and succeeded so when he took his erection in his mouth and started gently licking the top, trying to copy the moves with his tongue that Ryan had performed on him before. As he went on, he licked and sucked and kissed as much as he could, repeating an action whenever he heard a noise from Ryan. After a while, Ryan started buckling his hips, in a slowly building rhythm, his hands grabbing Colin’s shoulders hard enough to leave marks, and he repeated Colin’s name, over and over again until he came in one last cry. Colin slowly tried to get up, but with the loss of support Ryan let himself slide against the shower wall until he was sitting at the bottom, and pulled Colin with him on his arms, until Colin came to straddle him. Together they took up the entire bottom of the shower, leaving Ryan’s legs to be positioned rather awkwardly, but he seemed too far gone to care; a the look of utter contentedness in his eyes. Their eyes locked and Ryan smiled. Without releasing Colin’s gaze, he moved his hand over to Colin’s erection and started stroking it, harder and harder until Colin came with a strangled cry; the water washing over them. Slowly Colin let himself lean forward, until his forehead touched Ryan’s. They stayed that way for a long time, until they both realised just how uncomfortable their position was, and then moved to stand up again. Colin realised that they both were shivering now, and turned the water up to a full-blown rain, which landed warmly on their shoulders. They washed each other with the soap, marvelling at the feel of each other’s skin, and pausing to kiss just one more time. When they got out they both just wrapped a towel around their waist, and wet or not, curled down on the bed together. *** Colin held on to Ryan for a long time, who soon was breathing deeply in and out, on the edge of sleep. But Colin wasn’t sleeping though, his body was relaxed and tired, but his thoughts were running freely through his head, and he looked at the still opened window. Slowly he got up, put a slight kiss on the side of Ryan’s head, who remained asleep, and pulled on his clothes. The sun fell intensely on his face when he climbed out the window, and this time he managed to land on the grass without much difficulty. He didn’t really want to be seen or be forced into another’s company, so he walked into the woods from the backside of the cabin with a vague notion to appear near the shore of the lake from the other side. He walked slowly, enjoying the warmth of the sun on his body and the faint afterglow of his and Ryan’s adventure in the shower. He guessed it was about four in the afternoon. His thoughts were on Ryan, as they always were. He felt a huge smile anchor on his face when he thought about what they had just done, and the mental vision of Ryan sprawled out on the bed with nothing but a towel on made him almost want to turn back, but he didn’t; Ryan needed some rest. Looking back, he knew that Ryan must have had a very hard time in the weeks before they came here. And he cursed himself for not being there, but somewhere he did understand it was a decision Ryan had had to make alone. Ryan was divorcing Pat. Colin hadn’t really allowed himself to think on that subject too much yet, just as he had been avoiding to think about his own family at home. What was he going to do? He knew he could divorce Deb, but… did he really want to? His body, still warm and pliant with the memories of making love, hummed a radiant ‘yes’. He had never felt like this before, so in love, so at home with a person, but this was here and now. They were on a holiday. What would happen when they got back in L.A., very soon now? When they were back on stage together? What would the future be for him and Ryan? He was torn out of his thoughts when he saw a figure walking, further in the trees. He immediately recognised the person by his clothes as being Greg, and walked up to him. “Hey!” Greg turned around listlessly, making an effort to hide his blooded hand but not really succeeding. Worry instantly wrapped itself around Colin’s mind when he took in Greg’s composure; his shoulders were down, his eyes sad and one hand was clutching the other bloodied one. For a second Colin thought ‘this must be what he looks like when he’s not pretending’ and the next he took a step forward and wrapped his arms around Greg in a silent, tentative hug. He could feel Greg tremble under his embrace, but knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t cry. After a few moments had passed, Greg let go and sagged to the ground, Colin sitting down next to him. Colin wanted to ask what was wrong but he didn’t, he instead he focused his eyes on Greg’s hand, that one he was still holding and had traces of blood on it. “What happened?” Greg managed a very unconvincing laugh “I hit a tree.” Colin tried to decide between being showing that he was concerned or pretending to be amused. Greg added, with the ghost of a real smile now, “Guess that wasn’t such a good idea, huh?” Colin, seeing that the man obviously wanted cheering up, said “Well, what does the tree look like?” Greg smiled again but it did nothing to conceal the trouble in his eyes. Colin felt increasingly worried. Thinking back, he wasn’t even sure if he had ever seen Greg upset. Ever. He hesitated about asking questions though, somehow feeling that Greg would talk if he wanted to. Moments passed, where nothing was heard other than the whispers of the wind blowing the leaves on the trees. Colin shifted positions, vaguely wondering if he had pulled a muscle in the shower. He laced his fingers together and apart again, silently waiting. Suddenly Greg looked at him with open eyes, both a question and the determination to ask it evidently formed in his mind. “Colin, are you and Ryan sleeping together?” Colin felt his mind go blank, only his heartbeat remained, fast and heavy in his throat. He tore his gaze away from Greg’s eyes and looked at the leaves-spread and grassy ground. He knew he was going to have to answer this and part of him actually wanted to. “We’re…” he swallowed. Then he looked back up at Greg, and answered in a clear voice, “Yeah.” Greg avoided his gaze and spoke to his own hands when he said, his voice revealing little, “Yes, I figured.” Colin felt his stomach make a strange flipping motion, and thought ‘this is where is starts, the pain, all the reasons why we shouldn’t have done this.’ However, at the same time there was a resolve in his mind, no matter what, he would not let go of Ryan again. Ever. The depth of that feeling rushed trough his body, and he knew he was willing to risk losing everything over this, over Ryan. The hugeness of what he had just decided hit him full-force, and he felt himself begin to shake. Suddenly, all of the things he had feared about his love for Ryan were real, and right there, but he knew he could stand them too. He had chosen. Suddenly Greg leaned over and wrapped Colin in a bone-crushing hug. Colin could feel the tremor of Greg’s voice when he spoke “I’m happy for you guys.” And as fast as it had come, Greg let go again, this time looking into Colin’s eyes and his voice trembling when he said “really.” Colin let go of a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. He sensed the clear truth in Greg’s words, and suddenly felt incredibly grateful of the man. “I’m glad you know.” They smiled goofily at each other for a moment, when Colin got up, extended his hand to pull Greg up and said, “You know, I think we have some bandages in the cabin.” They walked back together, not saying very much but knowing clearly for the first time ever, what kind of friend they had in each other. *** When they reached the cabin they saw Wayne, spread out on the bright-colored blanket, dressed in nothing but his tight black underwear, and his eyes closed. Greg passed by, trying not to look at Wayne. Colin saw the look of hurt on Greg’s face but misinterpreted it as pain, and forced him straight to the kitchen, to look after his hand. Greg held it under the cold water, while Colin looked for the bandages in one of the many closets. Colin had been reaching into the cupboard when all of a sudden two hands covered his eyes, and he tensed at the sudden blindness, but when a tall body pressed itself against his back and a husky voice asked “guess who?” an accompanying smile rose over Colin’s face. He spun around, and smiled at Ryan, who still looked rather sleepy, with his hair ruffled and a delightful blush on his face. His mind was half-set on kissing Ryan, but Colin was suddenly conscious of the fact that Greg was in the room too, and he looked up to see the man glancing at them. Colin looked back from Greg to Ryan, and decided to leave them behind to talk. So he smiled sweetly at Ryan, nodded at Greg, hoped for the best and walked out the door, absent-mindedly going in Wayne’s direction and sitting down on the edge of the blanket. He noted the tube of sun crème lying next to Wayne, and took it in his hand. “You mind if I use some of this?” Wayne had turned from lying on his back to lying on his stomach while they had been inside, and answered, his voice sounding muffled by his arms, “No, go ahead;” They sat that way for a while, Colin smearing some of the white stuff over his arms, wondering if he would be sunburned. Then his eyes fell on Wayne again. A question formed in his mind and he smiled at the strangeness of it. He asked timidly “Wayne? Are you… tanning?” Wayne lifted up his head and a big grin split face. “Yes…” “And eh…” Colin felt slightly tentative about this. “Does it work?” This time Wayne laughed out full. “Yes, it does.” He got up on his knees and moved the line of his underpants, showing the slightly lighter skin beneath. Greg chose that exact moment to appear out of the cabin, eyed Colin holding the tube of sun lotion, and Wayne exposing his behind, and raised one eyebrow very suggestively. “Colin, what exactly are you doing to Wayne, and can I do it too?” Ryan, coming out the door behind Greg, had heard the comment, shared an amused, but still slightly careful look with Greg and said in a pretend jealous tone “Yes Colin, explain to me, what were you doing to Wayne?” Colin looked at the tube in his hand, thinking of what to say. Wayne readjusted his shorts, turned around to Colin and the second they looked each other in the eye they burst out laughing, soon followed by both Greg and Ryan. At the noise, Drew came out of the cabin, a book in his hand, eyed the four men suspiciously and asked an oblivious “What?” which served only to make them laugh even harder, and had eventually Drew cracking up too because they all looked so darn silly. When the laughing died down, it led into a group-conversation about what they were going to eat that night. Ryan walked over to Colin, wordlessly entwining their fingers and whispered into his ear: “Love you.” Colin smiled back with glimmering eyes and let his head rest on Ryan’s shoulder for a moment. Whatever would happen, their last night in the cabin would be a special one. *** The light of day changed into evening almost imperceptibly this time; the setting sun painting the trees and water in a warm light, only to slowly evaporate into strokes of red and purple in the evening sky. The warmth of the day stayed with the earth just a bit longer, before the dew of evening and the first pale trace of stars became visible in the sky. Wayne, Drew and Greg were seated in the garden chairs right before the cabin, each lost to their own thoughts. Drew had his bare feet propped up on the end of an empty chair, and was looking up at the sky. Suddenly he sighed and said, “Man, I can’t believe we’re going back tomorrow already.” Wayne had his legs up in his own chair so he was hugging his knees. He had gotten on a shirt and sweatpants, and looked amazingly young when he said “Yeah, it’s so easy to get used to all this.” “Yep, back to the healthy smog and noise of L.A.” Greg added. “Oh c’mon,” Drew smiled, “you thrive on traffic jams and cell phones, you’d go crazy living out here.” Greg glanced at his bandaged hand and sighed “Yes, I probably would.” “But you liked it out here though, right Greg?” Wayne asked, sounding unusually sensitive. Greg frowned and answered with his usual flair, “Why, sure I did, did you?” Wayne smiled briefly. “Yeah.” Then he followed Drew’s example and looked up to the pale form of the moon becoming visible among the indigo of the setting sun. “It’s beautiful, the sky.” Drew smiled. “Yeah, it’s gorgeous out here.” To himself he wondered if he never took the time at home to look at the stars, or if they just weren’t visible from his brightly lit home. A silence fell, and they all saw the sky turn darker, the pale stars slowly lighting up like pearls on blue velvet. They looked up when they heard warm laughter coming from the opened kitchen window, and the mumbling sound of voices of a cooking Colin and Ryan. Drew yelled, “Hey, are you guys almost done in there?” Colin’s voice answered. “Yeah, we’re almost done, you can come in if you want to.” Drew put on his shoes and walked in right away. Greg was about to follow him in, when he briefly felt the touch of a hand on his arm and saw Wayne’s gaze drawn to his wounded hand. “Greg.” It was a statement, not a question. “I…” Greg could see the apologetic gleam in Wayne’s eyes and inwardly cringed. So that was what it was going to be? An apology? He let his own unbandaged hand rest on Wayne’s bare arm, the movement apparently stilling Wayne’s strain of thought. “Let’s just eat, ok?” Wayne nodded. “Okay.” When they walked in the doorway, Greg’s hand travelled up to slide over Wayne’s back, and to rest in the hollow of his neck for a split second, before he broke away and closed his eyes for a moment. ‘Don’t long for what you can’t have’, he thought. ‘Just don’t.’ *** Colin had enjoyed cooking with Ryan more than he had thought possible, and vaguely wondered why they had never really done so before. Then the vision of both of their wives, frilling around in the kitchen and waving them out of there came to his mind. Also, the fact that being chased out of the kitchen had often led to walks in the garden together had been a major preference back then. He remembered how much he had cherished those walks, remembering every casual touch from Ryan as if it had been a kiss, every word as if it had been a declaration of love. He wondered if they had meant so much to Ryan too. Looking at Ryan, Colin couldn’t believe the sense of detail he seemed to have in preparing food, adding just a tiny bit more spices, or sorting the plates so that the food looked the best. He had always thought Ryan worked well with details, fixing things with the mere touch of his hands. Ryan saw Colin looking at him, proclaimed “Done!” and gave two of the plates to Colin, to carry them to the table where Drew and Greg were sitting already, being amused by Wayne trying to uncork the wine. When Ryan had woken up this afternoon he had been disappointed at the absence of Colin. He knew by the cold space next to him that he must have been gone for a while, and he had felt a little embarrassed for falling asleep in the middle of the day. As soon as he moved his body though, he had felt the familiar pain in his back flare up again. Apparently, their adventure in the shower hadn’t been too good on his body, even though that was not exactly how he would have described it… He knew he had a goofy grin on his face while he popped a pain pill into his mouth and thought back on what they had done quite passionately before. Part of him had really felt like hugging Colin to pieces, right there and then, and so he had moved into the hall and had followed the trace of Colin’s voice into the kitchen. He blinked a couple of times when he realised he was being called. “Hmm what?” “Ryan, are you coming?” Colin was calling him from over at the table. He looked around to notice that all the plates were set at the table already, and that all of them were seated, besides Wayne who was pouring the red wine. He grinned sheepishly and walked over to sit at the empty chair next to Colin. Colin smiled at him and mouthed, ‘You were daydreaming.’ He didn’t have the heart to deny it and accepted the full glass of wine Wayne handed him with an indulgent smile. Drew asked, “Hey-what are we toasting to today?” Greg grinned, and said in a pretend concerned tone “Are you kidding Drew? Last time we toasted to anything we had a major thunderstorm over our heads!” Drew rolled his eyes. “Oh, come on, it’s not like that’s going to happen again.” “No, but there are still earthquakes…” Greg started counting down on his fingers “…hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, forest fires, …” “Rats…” Colin added. “Rats?” Ryan gave him an bemused look. “Well, there could be rats.” Wayne shot to Colin’s defence. “Yes, rats.” Greg added. “Flesh-eating ants, killer-bees, spontaneous human combustion…” Drew punched him on the arm “Oh, you prissy city-boy.” Greg smirked back, “No Drew, you don’t understand, this toast has the power to unleash a disaster of biblical proportions if we aren’t careful.” Ryan grinned when he said “Greg?” “Yes?” “Shut up and eat.” “Yeah!” Drew added. “Let’s all toast to that!” Colin was smiling too, Greg behaving like this made him almost forget the state he had seen him in earlier. Then he opted “I suppose we could toast to our last night.” On cue they all raised their glasses, and, following Colin’s example, said “To our last night!” The food tasted excellent, and their conversation was entertaining enough, but yet Wayne felt increasingly uneasy and he excused himself as soon as he was done. As he opened the door and walked outside, some birds flew up from the trees at the sound of him approaching and he shivered. He walked over to the lake, and extended his hand to the ground to pick up some rocks. Listlessly he threw them in the water, watching them disappear with little dull noises, and the wrinkles in the water growing bigger and bigger, until they dissolved. He thought of his wife. They hadn’t been married too long, and he sorely missed her. The touch of her hands, the sound of her laughter when he did something funny. He liked the guys too, but even though they probably never meant to, there was always a certain distance between him and them. He was so much younger, more active… just different; but he did appreciate their friendship, maybe more so than he had ever realised before they went on this trip. He had never thought about how close those lines between friendship and something more really ran, until he had kissed Greg. Oh he had been very drunk, but drunken memories have the nasty habit of coming back to you in a way that you know what you did, but not exactly how much of it. He knew he had woken up in the arms of a sleeping Greg though. His first reaction had been one of ice-cold terror. All he could think of were the vows he had pledged to his wife, and to have broken them, with a man… he had screamed, and had tried to convince himself that nothing had happened. After all, it was not like he hadn’t kissed a man before. On the show. Never for real though. Never traced his tongue over another man’s lips, or made him moan like that. Never woken up in the arms of one either. Greg had seemed… well, he didn’t now. Annoyed? Upset? Exhilarated for all he knew… the man never showed anything. Only today Wayne had been sure he had seen a gleam of sadness in Greg’s eyes, and that was what had upset him. Oh, there was no use to dwell on this really. Tomorrow he would go back to his wife, kiss her and never think of this again, but there was still tonight and the moment he had seen Greg’s look, he had wanted to apologise. Greg had shrugged it off, but that didn’t mean he couldn’t try again… Wayne felt his heart turn a little, Greg was, under all the cynical remarks, a good friend to have, and he would hate to hurt him. Then he threw away a last stone, and turned around to the cabin. As he drew closer he could hear they had gotten the old record player out again, and were playing a jazz song that vaguely reminded him of his granddad’s house, and of having diner there on Sunday noon, after church. He shook his head and opened the door with flourish, exclaiming, “You guys are dancin’ without me?” “Well, not exactly dancing;” Drew replied from by the sink, his hands disappearing in the soapy water to scrub one of the white plates, and a towel flung over his shoulder. Colin and Ryan were over at the record player and looking through the dusty box with records together; both were smiling as they read the titles aloud to each other, with comments on which artist had sung that particular song and which year it was from. Wayne got a momentary vision of ‘…Ryan and Colin are two commercial pitch-men, who are trying to sell a CD-set…’ and smiled. “You need help Drew?” Wayne asked. Drew waved a soapy hand. “Nah.” So he went over to sit on the sofa next to Greg, who wordlessly poured and handed him another glass of red wine. He accepted it gratefully and turned his eye back to Ryan and Colin. They were standing so close their shoulders actually touched, and he realised they had yet to acknowledge his presence. He knew they would never purposely ignore him, it was more like when they were off into their own little world like this, no part of reality mattered any more. He thought to himself he had never envied their friendship, because he knew they must miss each other like hell when they weren’t together, which was most of the year. Suddenly Ryan looked up and said “Hey Wayne, what music did you want to dance to?” Wayne shrugged and bounced to his feet again, happily ruffling through the box. Ryan sat down in one of the large, comfortable chairs, and flipped his long legs up. As soon as Drew finished the dishes he joined them too, and together with Wayne he chose some seventies rock-and-roll that they sung to together. After a couple songs they went over to disco-music, where Drew and Wayne got majorly funky at, at a certain point even Colin joined in. It had the three of them pointing to the sky and back down again in a rapid rhythm, leaving Ryan and Greg to look at each other and silently shake their heads in bemusement. A couple songs later, Colin gave up and it was just Wayne showing off his break-dance moves, with Drew trying to copy them very poorly, to the enormous amusement of the men on the sofa. “You know, I’m not sure if they should call that stayin’ alive.” Greg said, with a slight slur in his voice. Ryan looked at him and cocked an eyebrow, “Greg, you’re getting drunk.” Greg nodded and poured himself another glass, “That’s the plan.” Ryan looked over at Colin questioningly, and Colin nodded at him almost unnoticed. Ryan relented. He said, “Okay, if you want to have a major hangover in the morning, be my guest!” and he patted Greg on the shoulder. When Greg had talked to him before about knowing about Colin and him, and wishing them all the best, Ryan had been pleasantly surprised. Greg could be an amazing jackass, but he had his good moments too, and Ryan felt like he somehow owed him something. If that something meant putting up with a splitting-headache Greg in the morning, he would be more than willing to do it. When Drew and Wayne stopped dancing and sat down they all got lost into a conversation about some of the places they had done live-shows together, retelling old stories with the same vigour as if it just happened. Slowly the evening slipped through their fingers, as it was growing later the music growing slower and the past seemingly closer by. “And then he says, ‘I’m not wearing anything under this,’ and he steps on stage!” Ryan was retelling the by now famous story of Colin in a kilt, and it had both Drew, and Wayne who was hearing it for the first time, in stitches. “So any time he did anything at all, I just couldn’t help but laugh” Ryan added. “Plus, he kept on making those weird faces all through the evening…” “Well it was windy!” Colin replied, which served to make them all laugh harder. When the laughter died down Drew went into an elaborate story of something that happened when he was still doing stand-up, and Ryan found himself looking over to Colin, feeling the tangible warmth in the looks that they shared. He smiled inwardly. He had seen Colin’s hand flutter over the “Frank Sinatra” record when they were looking through the records before, only to leave it for a more up-beat artist, and it had given him an idea. Ryan went to the bathroom unnoticed, and when he came back he took the Sinatra record out of the box and put it on. Colin didn’t respond right away, he was saying something to Drew, but as soon as Sinatra’s voice resonated through the room he looked up, to see Ryan with an outstretched hand come up to him. “Colin, can I have this dance?” Colin felt the blood rush up to his cheeks, but as he looked into Ryan’s eyes he knew he couldn’t say no, so he laid his own hand in Ryan’s outstretched one, put his wineglass into Drew’s hand, and got to his feet. Ryan pulled him close right away, his hand travelling over Colin’s back in slight traces of warmth, and their feet moving in union easily. The moment Colin stepped that little bit closer, and let his body lean into Ryan’s, he knew he was lost. They fitted so easily together, so perfectly, that it made him wonder how he ever could have tried to match his rhythm with someone else’s, when there already was someone dancing right along with his? Colin felt a flutter of excitement when Ryan let his hand sink to cup his buttocks, and move them just that tiny bit closer. The others could have been wolf-hauling for all he cared, all he knew was that he was being led around by Ryan, to the rhythm of a love song. Ryan had been listening though, and when the last notes of the song were played he stopped their movement and broke away from Colin, smiling at the adoration he saw in his eyes. When they went back to sit down he could feel his legs were trembling. So he hadn’t been that confident about this at all. While he had expected comments from the others, they didn’t say a word, which in a way was even worse. Wayne had been nipping from his glass and continued to do so when they sat down again and the next song started up, breaking the silence to a certain extent. Ryan knew that Greg had about reached his limit of drunkenness when he saw how his eyes seemed to focus on nothing anymore, and he was about to propose to put him to bed when Wayne did so. Wayne got up, said goodnight and then briefly hugged first Ryan, then Colin and lastly Drew. If he seemed emotional, Ryan didn’t see it, but it did strike him as strange. Then Wayne pulled Greg out of his chair, and, supporting him from the side, hauled him off to his room. Colin looked at the backs of the two of them leave and felt a flutter of fear, about what Drew would say now they were alone with him, break trough the warmth he still felt for what Ryan had just done. Drew spoke up as soon as the other two were out of hearing distance “So Ryan, how’s the wife?” If Ryan was upset by that question, he didn’t show it. He explained in a very neutral tone that they were getting a divorce. Colin felt sorry that he wasn’t sharing the sofa with Ryan as they had done the other day, because it would have meant they could have sat closer together. Now all he could do was look at Ryan, and hope it would help. Drew seemed actually startled by that answer, and let some of the coldness fall from his voice when he said he was sorry for him. Then he turned to Colin and asked, “And Colin, are you leaving Deb?” Colin looked at his feet when he mumbled “Eh, we haven’t figured that out yet.” Drew was about to say something, but then Colin looked up, broke him off and said “But yes, I am. For Ryan.” Only then he dared to lift his eyes up at Ryan, who looked at him with utter disbelief in his eyes, and then strode across the room so fast it only gave Colin time to get up halfway before he was being pulled into a fierce hug, the power of it alone pressing the air from his lunges. He could feel Ryan shaking so strong it moved him too, and when they let go he could see unshed tears in Ryan’s eyes before he pulled him in a hug again. Ryan had felt as if he had been walking a fine line with that dance, and now with Drew facing them, he had been sure to regret it. He knew as an absolute truth that he loved Colin, in fact, he had been falling in love with him more deeply ever since they had met. He had wanted, longed and felt for years. And he had made the decision to leave his wife, because he did not, and never would, love her as he did Colin. And now, even though Colin had said that he loved him back, some doom-seeking part of Ryan’s brain had kept on plaguing him with the vision of Colin going back to his wife after this trip was over, and asking him to forget all about this. The moment Drew had asked that question of Colin he had felt a wave of terror fall over him at the thought of hearing aloud what he had been only suspecting. Then when Colin said what he said… He couldn’t explain it, but in that one moment he felt as if the earth shook under his feet and he realised that he had never felt so sure of something in his life. Drew coughed and was looking at them with large eyes. Slowly they broke apart, but went to sit next to each other in the sofa, holding hands. “So eh… you guys are eh…” Drew seemed honestly upset, to say the least. His eyes kept on flicking from Ryan to Colin and back, only to rest on their joined hands, and expression of puzzlement evident in his eyes. Colin spoke, his voice gentle. “We love each other, Drew.” “Yes well I can see that.” Then he bit his lip, got up and said “Well, I should be getting to bed now.” He turned his back, and started to walk away. “Drew.” That was Ryan, his voice heavy. Drew knew from experience not to contradict Ryan when he spoke in such a tone. Then he realised that Ryan only used that tone when it concerned somebody doing wrong to Colin, or his children. The people he loved. Somehow those people had never included Pat though. Drew mentally cursed himself for not seeing this coming, as it had been evident for years. He had just never thought they would actually do something about it… or leave their wives for that matter. He turned around and looked at the two of them. These people were some of his best friends, and yet he had never really befriended one without the other. It was always ‘RyanandColin’, even when Ryan was on the set and Colin was a country away, there always seemed to be a connection between the two. He slowly nodded, and then spoke, “I guess this was a meant-to-be kind of thing huh?” When neither of them responded, he added, “I think so.” Then he smiled at them and left the room. *** Colin and Ryan were left on the couch, stunned. Colin could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, and when he took another drink from his wineglass he could see his hand shaking. Ryan’s presence next to him was calming though, and they leaned together for a couple moments more, before Ryan got up and Colin followed him without thought. They turned off the lights, leaving the room in a complete darkness, and walked on to Ryan’s room. *** Drew closed the door to his room behind him, carefully, and leaned against it. He suddenly felt alone. Ever since his childhood, he had felt as if loneliness only touched others, but it inhabited him. He had never been married, never in any long-time relationship. He hadn’t lied when he had said at that stupid die-game that he wanted to get married and have children, even if only to chase away the loneliness, the emptiness of his home when he came back to it at night, or the even greater emptiness of bringing someone back to it that he would later only remember as a collection of touches and limbs… no name, no feeling. He had felt anger at Colin and Ryan. Anger at them for having everything he hadn’t, and then being able to throw it away for some love that was apparently even bigger. He hit his pillow in defeat. *** Wayne had gotten Greg into his room without much trouble, the man seemed to be looking forward to passing out. He had spread a blanket over Greg carefully, and had looked at him while he fell asleep. He was about to leave when all of a sudden Greg’s eyes opened, and looked around the room erratically. “Wayne?” he mumbled. Wayne had felt somehow touched by the fact that Greg, even when incredibly drunk, still seemed to know it was him. He walked over to the bed, put his hand on Greg’s head, and he spoke in reassuring tones “Hey, I’m here man, go to sleep.” Greg mumbled and brought his hand up to hold Wayne’s. “You goin’ away?” Wayne swallowed. “No, I can stay a while.” He sat down on the bed, holding Greg’s hand, and watched how his breathing slowly evened out. When he was sure he was asleep he let the hand go and traced his finger over Greg’s face softly. “Goodnight Greg,” he whispered, and he closed the door behind him with a soft thud. *** When Ryan turned around to Colin, to talk to him, thank him and then hold him, Colin prodded his arm and asked “Ry?” “Yes?” “Let’s not get serious right now, okay? I want to have fun on our last night here. And let me rub your back, ‘cause I know it’s hurting.” Ryan smiled. Colin was right, there was an incredible amount of emotions and future to sort through, but this was also their last night in the cabin, their last chance to just be together, without having responsibilities and real life to think about. He pulled Colin into a quick, playful kiss. “All right.” A few minutes later, Ryan was lying on his stomach on the bed, while Colin’s hands were rubbing the pain from his back, and he let the events of the day run trough his head, from waking up with Colin this morning to what had happened just now. He turned to Colin and said: “You know, this is one of those days we are going to remember forever.” Colin looked back at him and joked. “You mean us swimming in the lake, Greg beating himself to pieces on a tree or the terror we just went through with talking to Drew?” Ryan smiled and made an encircling hand movement. “All of it.” Colin thought for a moment and then commented, “Well, I would say this whole trip has been rather memorable.” Ryan smiled “Yeah,” and then pulled Colin on top of him for a kiss. “Very memorable.” *** As the lights in the cabin went out, the pale moon rose clearly over the lake outside, the wind whispering warm secrets in the late summer night and the first falling leaves outside a vague reminder of the coming of fall. As Wayne walked through the hallway, he replayed the conversation he had had with Colin about his and Ryan’s so called pillow fight. He would never doubt Colin’s honesty, but he was sure that he didn’t know the whole truth either. He had seen the dance Ryan and Colin had just shared, saw them hold on to each other, slip into their own little world so easily and with an expression of pure happiness and belonging, that the realisation that there was more between them than friendship had hit him. For once, he didn’t feel like waiting around until someone told him the truth. Almost at his own room now, he turned around decisively and headed towards Colin’s. He didn’t explain to himself what he would possibly gain with finding out, but he felt like he just had to. Once at Colin’s room, he stared at the door, trying to imagine a sleeping Colin behind it, and what he would say if he would wake him, but a part of him just knew it wouldn’t be true. He could feel his heart beat heavily in his chest when he extended his hand to lie on the cold doorknob. Slowly he turned it around, and the door opened with a creaking noise. Inside he could see the white light of the moon shine on Colin’s unslept on bed. With a few steps, he walked inside the room, being compelled to check if Colin really wasn’t there, but he wasn’t. Strangely he didn’t feel like he was intruding, more as if Colin’s room was welcoming him as a visitor and invited him to think. Slowly he lowered himself down on the bed to look at the bright moon and stars through the window. After a while he let his body fall back, feeling the tension in his gradually back leave him. He couldn’t believe this was really true. So Colin and Ryan were together, right now, sleeping, or at least, he hoped they were sleeping; any other image was still too disturbing; in Ryan’s bed. At the thought of them together, he felt a deep ache tug at his chest, one that he couldn’t explain. He pulled the pants that were flung on the bed aside and started folding them automatically, thinking of Colin with a smile. The man was so shy. People who just watched him didn’t know this, but Wayne had worked with him long enough to know that with Colin, on stage, everything was possible, but once off it he lost most of his fearlessness. His hands stilled and he realised he was absent-mindedly fingering the little object that was left lying on the bed. The die. He took it in his hand, feeling the little edges thrill the skin of his hand palm, and vaguely wondered how Colin could have gotten it. Then he remembered the moment in his and Greg’s kiss, where Greg had let go of the die, and had used both of his hands to hold him against the door. Wayne shivered at the memory, feeling his hot lips part over his again, and in the dark evening it seemed like the mere recollection was enough to warm him, and caress him. He closed his eyes and sighed. Holding the die tightly, he got up from the bed so quickly that he momentarily saw black and white dots before his eyes. Sending a silent ‘thank you’ to Colin, he walked back out of the room and closed the door carefully, so it wouldn’t open during the night. Then his feet started walking over to Greg’s room, every step he set feeling like a milestone, accentuated by the pulsing of the die in his hand. His mind was racing. ‘What are you doing? What on earth do you plan to do? You have a wife you know.’ Somehow, though, it wasn’t hard to put all those thoughts aside as he walked on and on, the hallway seemingly stretching on for miles, but once he arrived in front of Greg’s door, he realised only moments had passed. He knew he hadn’t closed the door completely; maybe even then realising he would return; and as he put his hand against the dark wood, it swayed open easily. Greg didn’t wake, Wayne hadn’t expected him to, but was incredibly grateful none the less, because if he would have he would have been sure to turn away. Careful not to make much noise, he kicked of his shoes and pulled of his socks. He stared at Greg for a couple more seconds, not sure what to do. Then he opened his hand, moving one finger at a time, until the die was visible on his palm in the barely lighted room. Turning his hand around, he laid the die on the nightstand, and closed his eyes for a second. Conscious of Greg’s heavy breathing, and the fact that he would need a lot more courage before Greg ever woke up, Wayne climbed onto the bed. He spread the blanket over both of them, and turned to his side so he could wrap his arms around Greg’s back. Greg snuggled back into the embrace with a soft sigh, maybe remembering the touch of someone else, or lost in an alcohol-induced dream, Wayne didn’t know. Slowly Wayne closed his eyes, his entire body trembling. ‘It was not because I had never woken up with a man before, that I would be wrong to want to do so once’, he thought before he tightened his embrace and let his body revel in the feel of Greg against him. *** Colin and Ryan were sprawled all over the bed, Colin on top of Ryan, their soft kiss stretching on with an increasing passion. When they broke away Colin commented “You know, I’m sorry I couldn’t bring my camera.” Ryan, being pressed back into the mattress by Colin’s weight and enjoying every second of it, was slowly processing the possible meanings of Colin’s comment. “Huh?” Colin hit Ryan’s arm playfully. “Nothing kinky, you moron!” Ryan chuckled. “Well…” “You know, for the lake and all. It would be nice to have… something.” Ryan saw the longing in Colin’s eyes and felt it too. He didn’t want to go back to their real world and leave all this to be a memory either. He looked into Colin’s eyes, realising he would never tire of it. He ran his fingertips across the skin of Colin’s cheek and revelled in the feeling. When he put his lips to Colin’s it was very chaste, and almost reverent. It was strange, how he had seen so much that would have been considered as beautiful in his life, but when he looked down at Colin, his eyes brown and glowing; his lips red because his kissed them and making such a lovely contrast with his white skin; Ryan felt like he was looking at something that could never be encompassed by anything he had ever seen. Colin ran his hand over Ryan’s cheek. “You make me shy when you look at me like that.” Ryan smiled, he knew Colin wasn’t lying; he really did get shy when he looked at him like that. ‘He has no idea how beautiful he is’, he thought. He felt the slowly becoming familiar warmth of love flood him, and anticipation at the prospect of their night together. He moved his hands under Colin’s shirt to trace the line of his stomach and higher up, until his flat palm fell over one of Colin’s nipples, and Colin moved to take his shirt off completely. Ryan turned over to Colin and moved to put ticklish kisses over his stomach and chest, which made Colin giggle. Suddenly Colin’s face grew pensive and he asked “Hey, what was it that Greg gave you after diner? He winked at me afterwards.” Ryan thought back on it with an embarrassed flush on his face. “Eh…” Then he sat up and reached in his pocket, giving the object to Colin without looking at him. It had been after diner, Wayne had left to go outside, and Ryan and Greg had stood up to clean the plates when Greg had cornered Ryan in the kitchen with a smile on his face; that had reminded Ryan of a kid up to no good; and had pressed something small in Ryan’s hand, with the note “You and Colin have fun tonight, ok?” Greg had been gone before he could reply, and he had unfolded his fingers with a sense of foreboding, shaking his head in amazement at Greg’s gut for giving him them this. He had then put it away in his pocket as soon as he saw Drew gazing over at him. Colin was looking at it, studying it, turning it towards the light so he could read the small letters. “It’s…” Ryan looked away “Yeah.” Suddenly Colin started laughing, so hard that it shook up the bed, and Ryan, finally looking at Colin, couldn’t help but grin too. “Just when you think you’ve seen it all from that guy…” When the laughter died down, Colin looked at the small tube of lube in his hand and back up at Ryan, the question evident in his eyes. Ryan bit his lip. He couldn’t say that he hadn’t thought about it. As the years went by, his fantasies about Colin had grown to include this part of sex too. Even though he had never been with a man, he had read and heard enough to know it was supposed to be amazing, but he had never really thought that Colin would propose to do so. He felt the heat rush to his head, among other places, when he tried to imagine them doing just that. He swallowed and looked Colin in the eyes. Colin smiled wickedly “You’re blushing!” Ryan poked him on the arm “No I’m not.” Colin looked triumphant “Yes you were, you were blushing!” Ryan stuck out his tongue and made it move rapidly from side to side, making Colin laugh shortly, before Ryan rolled on top of him and broke off the laughter with a deep, passionate kiss. Their conversation before had made him kind of jittery, and he was sure Colin could feel it as they moved together in their kiss, tongues wrestling together, and as soon as the broke apart he moved down to tantalise Colin’s nipples, with the full purpose to make him moan if at all possible. Colin arched from the bed and back again, forcing his hands to stay relatively still as he let Ryan take the lead. He had felt the shift in Ryan’s behaviour, and had understood it too. He had made out for himself that if Ryan wanted to have him, he could, and he knew Ryan was debating the question in his mind right now. His thoughts were interrupted as he could feel the trace of Ryan’s teeth on one nipple, sending a jolt of electric through his body, leaving him to whimper something incoherently. He tried to reach out for Ryan’s pants but his hands failed somewhere along the way, and ran over his back instead. He still wasn’t used to how incredible this felt, a mere touch of Ryan having the power to set him aflame. They kissed once more, hard and hungrily, Colin could feel Ryan’s erection through their pants, and moaned softly at the feeling. At that Ryan moved back and unbuttoned Colin’s pants, putting his fingers under the elastic of his underwear and pulling it down too. Colin suddenly felt exposed, and when Ryan moved to open his own trousers, Colin stilled him and opened the button himself, pressing Ryan down so he fell back on the side of the bed; trying to get up himself along the way, pulling off his underwear completely now. If he hadn’t have been so aroused he would have laughed at the struggle for power they brought to the bed. He had to admit that it was one of the most exiting things he had ever felt. Ryan was strong and could pin him down if he wanted to, but on the other hand he knew he could do just the same to him. As Colin saw Ryan lying there, he knew that Ryan was just as nervous as he was, maybe even more so; their years of knowing each other making it hard to hide anything. Colin straddled Ryan, tried to ignore Ryan’s erection ever so delicately brushing against his own bare thigh, and moved for Ryan’s chest, determined to make him enjoy this before he got all stressed again. He knew he had succeeded when he saw Ryan close his eyes and fall back to the mattress, giving him access to kiss and tease all over his body. Later Colin put a gentle kiss on Ryan’s mouth, which he accepted softly, letting Colin sink into him and drift away. When they looked each other in the eyes Colin realised that love was not enough to explain what he was feeling right now. It was worship, the recognising and touching of one soul with another, and he realised that he wanted nothing else than to have Ryan in him, connecting them for ever. He grabbed the little tube that was still lying on one of the pillows, and handed it to Ryan and looked him in the eyes. Ryan shivered. The image of Colin on top of him, offering, asking him with just a look was so powerful, he could feel his breath fall away. His hands were shaking when Colin turned around and pulled him over to cover him. Colin took his one hand, and placed a kiss on it, right at the palm. Then he guided it down over his erection, where Ryan lingered for a second, and then further down to where he wanted him. Colin was nervous, but incredibly aroused too. It was such a forbidden thing to do, something he would vaguely fantasise about but never admit to, and now he would actually feel… Ryan put some of the lube on his finger and circled it around. He waited a few moments until he gathered his courage, put one finger close to the entrance and with a final look at Colin pushed it further. Colin gasped for a second but then seemed to be all right. When he added a second finger, Colin pushed down on them, and he could feel them go much deeper. But he could also feel that Colin was tense; the muscles of his thighs were quivering, and so he moved down and concentrated on tracing his tongue over Colin’s arousal, slowly, with a bit of nipping and when he came at the top he flicked his tongue over it, making Colin gasp. Then he moved over farther, and tried to take in as much as he could, all the while moving his fingers around slightly, stretching the passage. When he added a third finger it went in easier than the first two. He was so focused on keeping Colin gasping and moving under his hands that he almost missed it when Colin whispered “now.” Colin had been shocked at the foreign feeling of what Ryan did, but as soon as he relaxed he let the amazing sensations take over, and he secretly cursed himself for never trying this before. ‘God this feels… amazing… wow… God, Ryan… I should tell him…’ “Now!” Ryan looked up, took the lube again and put some over his erection, and then asked, worry evident in his eyes, “Are you sure?” Colin nodded. “Yes!” Ryan slowly moved forward, so focused on the movement that he hardly registered how amazing it felt until he stopped for a second, giving Colin chance to adjust, and he could hear his own voice whispering hoarsely “Are you all right?” He could see Colin wasn’t very comfortable, but he was nodding decisively anyway, so Ryan moved again, until suddenly he could feel Colin tense. He was ready to pull back, when Colin flushed and breathed “Do that again!” and so he did, causing Colin to jump up again, and when he finally let go some of the tension of his body, the exquisite hot and tight feeling hit him, the silver knowing of what he was doing moving right through him. He gasped, his mind forming incoherent thoughts, and his mouth pouring them out, all focusing around Colin and how perfect he was. Colin held out his hand and he moved it over Ryan’s, lacing their fingers while they moved together in a steady pace that somehow came natural. Ryan looked into Colin’s eyes and saw so many things there he could almost cry. He remembered Colin when they first met, all their firsts and laughs and sorrow and it all came together in one image, the one he saw right now. He knew he was very close to coming and whispered “love you”, before he got lost in the feelings washing over him in increasingly rushing waves, faster and faster until he felt he would no longer be able to keep up, and they exploded in a crash of white behind his eyes. Colin felt the hotness of Ryan’s release, how he moved inside of him one more time, and without much build-up his orgasm hit him, pushing him over the edge in an instant and leaving him gasping for air. When Colin came back to earth, Ryan was still lying over him, but slowly moved to his side, and pulled the blanket over both of them, holding Colin gently. Ryan whispered “Are you okay?” putting a kiss to the side of Colin’s head. It was only when Colin looked up he realised they had both tears in their eyes, and he moved to hold Ryan in his arms. Ryan swallowed and whispered somewhere around Colin’s shoulder “It’s real isn’t it?” Colin’s eyes followed a tear trace it’s way from Ryan’s eye over his cheek, and down. He looked up at Ryan and held him as tightly as he could, feeling his embrace being returned with the same intensity. “Yeah, it’s real.” He whispered. “Real.” Just moments later, they fell asleep together, a mess of tangled limbs and twenty years of smiles and tears collected under a blanket. *** It took Drew a long time to fall asleep that night, and when he did, it was filled with dreams and he woke often. Near the morning he was sure he had heard something, and he had a half-formed plan in his head to go yell at Ryan and Colin to keep it down when he realised that was Greg’s room. A vague question hit his tired mind for a second, but he fell asleep again soon after, half-formed images of him and children some day playing around in his dreams. *** When Colin opened his eyes this time he knew instantly where he was and what had happened. He was still lying in Ryan’s arms, and he wondered why he had woken. By closing his eyes again and concentrating on all he could feel, he tried to force his mind back to sleep. He could feel the soft in and outtake of Ryan’s breath move over his face, feel the warm limbs so close and totally trusting touching his and he felt his heart being squeezed to pieces when he thought about how much he loved Ryan. There wasn’t any sunshine in the room yet, so Colin guessed it was still early morning, to see the clock he would have to turn, and that would certainly wake Ryan. He felt a strange kind of energy start to prickle over the edges of his skin, and he realised he wouldn’t be able to sleep anymore. They had closed the window last night, and the room was hot and stuffy. He suddenly felt an incredible desire to go swimming, to submerge his body in that cold and open water, realising that he hadn’t sneaked out to go swim before morning in years. Slowly he disentangled himself from Ryan, whose breathing changed in the disturbance, and as soon as Colin had left the bed he wrapped his arms around himself but didn’t wake up. Colin found a pair of boxers on the ground, and not caring whether they were Ryan’s or his, he put them on. He opened the door, smiled at the vague light falling in the hall and closed it as soft as he could not to wake anybody. In his own room he grabbed an extra pair of sweatpants, a shirt and a towel, and he walked outside, only pausing in the kitchen for an instant, wondering whether to put on some coffee, but then deciding against it as he would probably be back largely before Ryan ever would wake up. Once outside he could see that the sun was climbing over the misty hills in the distance already, making the water of the lake glitter in the morning light. The air was cold, and he wondered if it really had been such a good idea to swim, but he walked on towards the rocks by the shore anyway, leaving his clothes behind and dipping his bare foot in the water testingly. Strangely, the coldness of the air made the water seem somewhat less cold, although it was still awfully so. He doubted even more, what if he would get a heart attack in the middle of the lake when there was nobody to see him? After all he hadn’t done this since he was a kid. But then he knew that if he didn’t do it now he would certainly be too old the next time around, and so he stepped into the lake, taking a sharp intake of breath as the cold water came to the point of his groin. This time he moved very slowly, taking in the feeling of the rocky bottom under his feet, the upcoming sun in his eyes and the general quiet of the environment. When his feet let go of the bottom, and he let his body float up, he remember why exactly this had felt so perfect when he was younger. It was so incredibly quiet all around, like this he felt he was alone and free. He swam to the middle of the lake in a fast stroke, enjoying the feeling of the cold water against his body and the silence of it all. With every stroke he made, he could hear the water slosh around him, and the movement echo over the open surface of the lake. When he got tired he drifted on his back and let his body float to the surface, closing his eyes and feeling nothing but the water he was submerged in. He understood why he has liked this so much when he was young, he had been so shy, he had used these things to escape when the world became too much. For a second he wondered if he was escaping now, but then a large smile broke his face. He had stopped running away like this, because he had met Ryan, and in him he had found a person who would escape right along with him; when not literally it was in imagination, in jokes and improvising, the places where Colin knew he was safe, because when he stumbled, Ryan would catch him. He knew that in Ryan he had found more than what he could have ever hoped to find, a best friend, a lover, and most of all someone who understood him, someone who not only touched his body but also his soul, and made him laugh his ass off along the way. With that last thought, he laughed. He also realised he was getting really cold and moved again, the way back to the shore somehow seeming longer and more tiring than what he had imagined. *** When Ryan woke up he was vaguely disappointed Colin wasn’t there anymore, but also had a very clear idea of where he might be, which put him into action immediately. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, made his way over to the kitchen, put on coffee and walked back to get dressed while the coffee was making small prattling noises in the kitchen. Just a couple minutes later he opened up the door, juggling two cups of coffee in his hand, and saw Colin as a grey spot sitting on a rock near the lake, lighted by the still shy morning sun. He walked closer, not sure of Colin had heard him or not, but when he came close Colin’s eyes focused on him and a shy smile broke his face, his eyes taking in Ryan and the next thing he knew he was holding a cold body next to his, kissing deeply. As soon as they broke apart Ryan put the mugs down on the rock, took off his sweatshirt and pulled it over Colin’s head, who looked at him so openly he couldn’t manage anything else but to take in his eyes. Colin hadn’t realised how cold he was until he pulled on that sweatshirt, the sleeves too long for him, but it held Ryan’s warmth and smell, and as it floated around his body he closed his eyes. Ryan handed him the mug and he wrapped his fingers around it, feeling its warmth seeping through. Then he could feel Ryan move to stand behind him, and wrap his arms around his shoulders. He let himself fall back in the warmth and the feeling of being surrounded by Ryan. “You went swimming?” he could feel Ryan’s voice vibrating against him more than actually hear the words. He nodded against his shoulder. After a few moments of silence Ryan commented “I hate it, alone. It’s like stepping into nothing.” Colin nodded again, but he didn’t answer. He was marking this moment so it would remain perfect in his memory forever, everything from the feeling of a warm Ryan breathing behind him to the air touching his face, to the sun slowly gaining in warmth. Recognizing now that he had said goodbye to the lake, he turned around, smiled and said “You’re weird Ryan.” Ryan laughed. “And you’re cold.” “Yeah” Colin nodded, and pressed Ryan against the rock, and rubbed the tip of his own cold nose against Ryan’s, which made him laugh. Then he took his hand in his and tugged. “Let’s go inside.” They walked back to the cabin holding hands and laughing with meaningless jokes, but mainly with being together. Inside the door they met Drew, surrounded by the smell of scrambled eggs and bacon. He looked up from behind the stove and gave them a broad smile. “Thought I’d make us breakfast before we leave.” “Oh, and I yelled in the hallway for the other two, they’ll be here soon.” Ryan offered to help, while Colin went to take a hot shower and get dressed. While Ryan cracked the eggs, Drew shifted them around on the pan, saying very little until he asked, “You sleep well?” Ryan had to breathe back a blush ‘Djeesh what does he expect?’, but when he looked back at Drew he realised he was being teased. “I slept very well, thank you Drew. And you?” Drew took on a pensive expression, and then leaned in, a juicy gossip story evident on his face. “Well, I could have sworn I heard…” “Good morning!” Both Drew and Ryan turned around apprehensively. It was Greg, walking, practically bouncing through the kitchen. Other than it being Greg, it was an extremely cheerful Greg, who popped an aspirin into a large glass of water with a smile, and went to sit down, relaxed happiness etched on his face. “Eh” Ryan and Drew looked at each other questioningly for a second. Then Drew spoke up carefully “Did you sleep well Greg?” “Great!” he answered right away, gulped down the water and changed the subject very subtly to “Ryan, did you sleep well?” Ryan realised there was going to be a blush on his face for the rest of the day now, but deciding he didn’t care, he said “We slept great actually.” As an afterthought he added “Thanks.” This caused Greg to look even smugger and Drew to turn interested looks at the both of them, only to be distracted once he realised there was smoke coming from the stove. He took the pan and put it under the water, cursing vividly. Ryan took out a bottle and asked “ketchup?” Right then Wayne popped his head around the corner and went to sit down, a secret evident in his eyes. Drew was about to grill him too when Colin arrived and they could finally eat. The breakfast went by in a blurry of teasing and repeating some of the stories they would be telling once they were back home, a certain sting underlining it all. It took them longer to get everything together than was planned, but nobody commented on it. Drew realised that none of them really wanted to leave just yet. But they didn’t have a choice, as soon as they got back in L.A. they would have tapings and meetings, contracts and duties. When they were finally all packed, Wayne made sure he was the last one in the cabin, and he took the die out of his pocket, placing it back on the coffee table. Looking at that die, he realised that they were all slightly different people that they were when they walked in that door, just a couple days before. “Goodbye”, he whispered when he closed the wooden door behind him and locked it. Once outside he looked over the lake one last time, Ryan and Colin were standing close to the shore, side to side, their fingers entwined. They were looking at each other, lost in their own world, and his heart skipped a beat at the intensity of it. Then his eyes fell on Greg and he felt his breath catch. ‘Some choices are worth making’, he thought when they all got into the car and they drove away over the dirt road, little rocks skipping away under the tires, and the lake shimmering in the distance, slowly disappearing between the trees. The end